Warning No.1: Paramount owns the universe, I own this story. It's that simple.
Warning No.2: This story is P/C and nothing else, basically filling in some missing scenes from "Attached". Anybody who didn't like the episode probably should not read it.
More Than Just Friends
by Hester
She left him sitting close to the fire and lay down a little distance away, turning her back to him. She was trying desperately to block her thoughts to him, so that he would not notice how she really felt.
Only moments before, Jean-Luc Picard had confessed having loved her from the moment they first met. He had also said that when they started serving aboard the Enterprise together, he discovered he did not have those feelings anymore. Beverly had read his thoughts and knew that what he said was true, but there was also something else, something that he did not want to tell her and had tried to block from her. He fell in love with me all over again. How could I not have noticed, both times? And why didn't he tell me? They were friends, very close friends, but she had had no idea what was really going on inside of him.
She heard him lay down behind her and his close presence made her nervous. She had to think of something else, something 'safe'. Wesley's image appeared before her eyes, and she eagerly seized the opportunity. It had been more than a year since she had last seen him and at times she still missed him terribly. Beverly's thoughts drifted back through time, centering on their first years on the Enterprise. Wesley had still been a boy when they came aboard at Farpoint Station, but he had matured so much over the years. Happy memories mingled with sad ones.
Picard was only too aware of what Beverly was doing. He noticed how she carefully screened out memories connected with Jack and even himself, concentrating fully on her son. She even seemed oblivious to any perceptions from outside, at least as far as he could tell after some gentle probing.
He was glad. Exciting as it was to be able to read each other's thoughts, right now he preferred keeping his to himself. Wesley's picture swept over him, and he listened. Everything was easier than dealing with his feelings. Soon, he was lulled to sleep.
Only when his soft snoring assured Beverly that Picard had really gone to sleep, did she dare to let down her guard. She did not know how long he had been asleep already, her concentration had been so complete that she had not received any of his thoughts anymore. No she was finally able to relax and hope for some sleep herself.
Beverly shifted, trying to find a more comfortable position. Wesley appeared in her mind again, and it took her a moment to realize that this time he had not been called by her own imagination. Jean-Luc was dreaming.
Beverly smiled. She was not really tired, so she decided to listen to the random images her sleeping companion projected. After all, he listened to my thoughts the whole time, so I might as well take advantage of his dreams. The scene changed, now taking in more of the Enterprise crew, Worf, Deanna, Data. Oh, Jean-Luc, even in your sleep you are still the captain. Can't you ever forget the ship? It took her a while to recognize the occasion; they were obviously having a party in Ten-Forward, but only when his gaze swept the room and settled on a group of people still in costume did she realize that it had been on the first night of her latest drama production. The performance had been a total success, and so had the party afterwards.
Suddenly, the captain was dancing with her. As far as she could remember, they hadn't danced on that particular night, but this was a dream, wasn't it? Anything could happen. As if to prove that last thought, the scene changed again. The holodeck or a 'real' scenery, she couldn't tell. It didn't matter. They were walking down a path in a forest, holding hands. Holding hands? Beverly started. Where's this going? But already they were back on the Enterprise, dancing once again, this time at Keiko and Miles O'Brien's wedding. Other dances followed, some remembered, some created by the dream, but it was always the two of them, always close. Close enough to kiss several times, but just when it seemed like it might actually happen, the image was gone, replaced by the next. Beverly was getting frustrated. Can't you even kiss me in your dreams?
Once again the scenery changed, and Beverly found herself in the captain's ready room, telling him about the Tsiolkovsky virus. She remembered it all too well. If it hadn't been for Picard's surprise and self-control, she might well have succeeded in seducing him right there. The virus had certainly tried its best to help her.
Beverly watched and listened, expecting the image to fade at any moment. This time, however, it didn't happen. She held her breath in surprise as her dream-generated double managed to kiss the captain before he had a chance to get to the door. What followed surprised her even more, as they proceeded to make love right there in the ready room. Jean-Luc, I wonder if you'll remember any of this tomorrow?
She lay awake for a long time, still listening to his dreams and trying to decide what she would do with this new knowledge. Morning already dawned when she finally fell asleep.
Beverly pushed him, and he found himself on the Kes side of the border, watching in horror as the force field closed behind him. The Prytt were fast coming towards Beverly, and when they grabbed her, he could hear her voice in his head.
Jean-Luc, I love you. Jack's shadow never stood between us.
There was only one reply he could think of. I love you, too.
He blew out the candles and stared into nothingness. Her voice echoed in his mind. Perhaps we should be afraid. Afraid of what? Of getting too close?
He slowly walked about the cabin, picking up their glasses and clearing the table. He did not know what he had expected from her; actually, he had not expected anything at all. He had been hoping, yes, hoping that what had passed between them on the planet would lead to something more. From the look in her eyes, he had thought that that was what she wanted as well. If only they'd still had the implants, so he would have known what she was thinking. But this—
He straightened. She had left. There was no use dwelling on it any longer. He should probably best forget all about it.
The door chime sounded.
"Come." Surprise registered on his face at the sight of his visitor.
Beverly hesitantly stopped in the doorway. "May I come in?"
"Of course. Computer, lights up." Instantly, the cabin was brightly illuminated, chasing away all reminders of candlelight atmosphere. He did not want her to think that he had been hoping against hope for her to return, although that was exactly what he had been doing. If she hadn't come back, he probably would have followed her.
"Jean-Luc, we need to talk."
"Yes, I think we do. I'm glad you came back."
"I wasn't sure if... I didn't want to end the evening like this." She settled on the couch, reclaiming the place she had vacated only minutes before. "I feel like I owe you an explanation."
"You don't owe me anything." He went over to the viewport, studying the stars for several moments. Then he turned back to face her. "Still, I admit that I am puzzled by your actions. Down on the planet, you— we both admitted that there was something more than friendship between us. Yet now, you say we should be afraid to explore those feelings. Why, Beverly?"
She took a deep breath. "I suppose you remember Nella Daren?"
The blow caught him unexpected. It had been almost a year since Lieutenant Commander Daren had left the Enterprise, and to be reminded of her now was something he had not anticipated. Nonetheless, he plunged ahead. "Beverly, this is different."
"Different? I don't think it's that much different. She was an officer under your command. Well, so am I. She was a head of department with whom you were working closely together. So am I. She had to go down into a dangerous situation in order to do her job, and so do I, over and over again. She had to leave because you could not stand sending her into such situations anymore." Despair crept into her voice. "If I get involved with you now, will you be sending me away in a couple of weeks as well, because you can't stand seeing me in danger?"
He did not answer.
She looked at him, her eyes almost pleading. "Jean-Luc, we've been such close friends. I don't want to lose you."
"I don't want to lose you, either." He did not know what to say. Could she be right?
Then he remembered the message he had received from her on Kesprytt, when everything had seemed lost. I love you. Jack's shadow never stood between us. What about Nella's shadow? Shouldn't there be a way to overcome that as well?
For a long time, neither of them spoke; both hoping for the other to break the silence first.
Finally, he walked over to the couch, settling a little distance away from her. "Do you remember Dr. Reyga?"
"The Ferengi scientist who invented the metaphasic shielding? Of course I remember him; his invention almost cost me my career." She obviously did not like to think back to that time.
"Yes, and it could have cost you your life as well. You did not know for sure that his shield would work when you took that shuttle into the sun's corona. You took an unnecessary risk, and almost got yourself killed."
"It was the only way to prove his theory, and I knew it would work."
"Still, you know you should not have done it. Beverly, over the years there have been several instances when you put yourself in the line of fire and nobody could hold you back. At some point I realized that no matter how hard I try, I cannot always protect you —or anybody else, for that matter— because there will always be circumstances that are beyond my control, be they natural forces or just the fact that someone cannot or will not listen to my orders."
She was about to protest, but he went on without giving her the chance to speak. "When Nella was presumed dead, I grieved for her, but I knew that the decision to have her stay on the planet had been right. My first priority always has to be to Starfleet and to the Enterprise, and if this affects the people I love, I'll have to deal with it. Being a captain isn't always easy, but that's part of the job.
"When she was found alive and returned to the ship, I did not know what to do, how to act towards her. I wasn't sure whether she blamed me, and although she never said so, I think she probably did. It was actually her who suggested a transfer, and I did not stop her. Had she stayed, maybe things would have worked out differently. But I was a coward; it was easier to let her go than to think about how far I would go to protect her.
"However, the thought what I could have done differently came back to haunt me. I tried to decide what I would do if the same situation happened again." He reached for her hand. "Beverly, I've thought about this a lot. All I can say is that I'd act the same way again."
Her voice was almost a whisper. "I know. We all knew the risks when we joined Starfleet, and I'd never expect you to neglect the safety of the crew just to save me. Still, it's hard to separate professional from personal sometimes, and I'm just not sure if it would work." She tried to smile, but the uncertainty was plain in her voice.
"Beverly, we'll never find out if we don't try." He moved closer, letting go of her hand to gingerly brush back a strand of red hair, trailing his finger down the side of her face. His voice was hoarse, but full of determination. "I love you. You said you love me as well, and I'm asking you to give us a chance." He smiled slightly. "I promise you that I won't send you away if it doesn't work out, and we would still be friends. All I ask is that we explore the possibilities."
She looked into his eyes and found them filled with an intensity that almost made her tremble. She was surprised to discover what an effect his close proximity suddenly had on her; she had never quite realized it before. The temptation to forget all about her fears was great, and she had to look away to avoid being swept away by her emotions.
He did not rush her. If she needed more time to think he had to accept that; but he would not let her go without an answer. His hands grasped hers again, his thumbs lightly moving over them in gentle strokes, trying to reassure her of the sincerity of his feelings. Her eyes dropped to regard his movements. For years she had longed for him to do just that, hold her and caress her, kiss her and love her. It would be so easy to give in now. Still she hesitated.
It was a long moment of silence before she met his gaze again, which seemed even deeper than before. He was still waiting, hope and fear of what she might say mingling and reflecting in his eyes. Give it a chance, a voice inside her whispered, tugging at the part of her that wanted so much to be in his arms. There never would be any guaranties and she knew he would never consciously hurt her. Tossing all her fears aside, she leaned over and kissed him.
He was surprised at her sudden action and almost pulled back. At first he feared that this was just another good-bye kiss, before she would yet again try to escape. But the kiss lengthened, and she still did not show any intention of leaving. His hands gently encircled her waist, pulling her closer. Linking her hands behind his neck, she closed the remaining distance between them, erasing the last of his doubts.
He could only hope that they would never be 'just friends' again.
The End
avid readers since January 4, 1998
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© 1996 by Hester