Disclaimer: Star Trek: The Next Generation and all its characters belong to Paramount Pictures; no infringement of copyright is intended. The story however belongs to me. Perchance to Live by Hester, jetcindx@gmx.net Finally, the interrogations were over. They had been questioned again and again about the disastrous crashlanding the Enterprise had suffered, and about everything that had happened before. It had taken days until the investigating specialists were convinced that the crew of the Federation's flagship had indeed been unable to prevent the catastrophe from happening. Luckily, there had been few casualties, but the Enterprise herself was beyond repair. All of the crewmembers were granted a two-month holiday, after which they would be assigned new posts. Most of the senior officers chose to spend the off-duty time with their families or friends on different planets. Deanna Troi had, with some reluctance, decided to visit her mother on Betazed. She had gladly accepted Worf's offer to accompany her, and she had accepted his offer to spend some time with Worf's parents on Earth. Geordi LaForge and Data were on their way to a science conference on newly developed warp drive enhancements, where they would be meeting some of Geordi's old friends from his academy days. Will Riker had decided to go fishing in Alaska and to rediscover the playgrounds of his youth. Also headed towards Earth were Captain Jean-Luc Picard and Doctor Beverly Crusher. They were having breakfast in Picard's cabin aboard the USS Farragut. Few personal things were on display in Picard's small but comfortable guest quarters, most of his belongings having been destroyed in the crash. But despite the traumatic events they had all been through, the captain and the doctor had not seen any reason to discontinue their habitual breakfast together. It rather seemed to have become more important to them, providing continuity in their otherwise disrupted everyday routine. Picard took a sip of tea and looked at Crusher. "I wonder how Marie will greet me," he said, his uneasiness clearly audible in his voice. "I should have been there for the funeral." "She knew you wouldn't be able to arrive there on time," Crusher assured him. "And by now she should have heard what happened to the Enterprise." "I sent her a message myself and explained what happened. I also told her that I would be on my way to Earth as soon as the interrogations were over." He sighed heavily. "It's just that... I just don't know... if..." His voice trailed off. Leaning over, Crusher gently laid her hand on Picard's arm. "You feel guilty because you weren't there and now you wonder if she'll forgive you?" Hesitatingly, he nodded. "What could you have done that you won't be able to do now? Marie still needs your support. Besides, didn't you always tell me that Marie accepted your way of life, and encouraged Rene to follow in your footsteps?" "Only when Robert couldn't hear her," Picard admitted, a tiny smile forming on his lips. "Rene was just like me at that age, always dreaming about being among the stars. But unlike mine, his dream will not come true." He stared at his plate without really seeing it, images of the past, of himself, his brother and his nephew rising up in his mind. Then, with a mental shrug that took some considerable effort, he pulled himself back to the present. "So, Beverly," he asked in a light tone "what are your plans for our forced holiday?" The doctor looked pensive for a moment. "I don't really know. I thought I might visit some friends in San Francisco and Oklahoma, but I haven't decided anything yet. I don't think I'll be able to see Wesley, since he's out traveling the Galaxy. I haven't even been able to talk to him since the crash." She was sad, but at the same time very proud. The life Wesley was leading now was extraordinary, but, still, she would have preferred seeing him more often. Picard suddenly realized that he was relieved that she did not have any definite plans yet. An idea started forming in his mind as he gently took her hand. "Beverly, would you... if you don't know where to go... would you come with me?" Surprised, Crusher looked up. She was startled even more by the almost pleading look in his eyes. He hurried on. "There is enough room, the house is quite big. Marie would be delighted to meet you; she's always told me to bring you along. She likes to have the house filled with people, completely unlike Robert who prefers --" He hesitated, but just for a second. "preferred his solitude." Looking at her openly, Picard added in a low voice, "Besides, I think I might need a friend." Crusher had not been expecting anything like this. She was tempted to refuse; after all she did not want to intrude on a family in mourning. But what she had heard about Picard's sister-in-law over the years convinced her that Marie would greet her with open arms. "All right," she finally said, and was rewarded with a broad, relieved smile on the captain's face. "I always wanted to see your family's vineyard anyway." "You'll love it," he promised. And smiling at each other, they went back to their breakfast. * * * Three days later, Jean-Luc Picard and Beverly Crusher materialized directly in front of the main house on the Picard Estate. Marie, the widow of Picard's elder brother, appeared in the doorway and approached to greet them. "Welcome home," she said, quietly embracing her brother-in-law. Then she turned to Crusher. A warm smile spread on her face as she extended a hand. "And welcome to you, too. I'm very glad to finally meet you, after hearing so much about you." Out of the corner of her eye, Crusher saw Picard blush faintly. Marie beckoned to the door. "Come on in and make yourselves at home. I've prepared two rooms for you upstairs, and by the time you have unpacked and refreshed yourself, dinner will be ready." * * * The three of them spent a relaxed evening in front of the fireplace, talking about Picard's and Crusher's work and the crash of the Enterprise. Gradually, the conversation shifted to the vineyard, and Marie told them about how she was reorganizing all the work to keep the traditional family business alive and prospering. Picard began to feel a little uneasy. He was not sure whether he should offer his help in overseeing the work. After all, the estate partly belonged to him and he had always taken pride in the renowned Picard wines. But Marie had already gone on talking about Robert and Rene, only the slightest catch audible in her voice. Picard joined her, supplying stories from Robert's and his own childhood, making the two women laugh. They stayed together until very late at night. Crusher finally left the two Picards alone, feeling that they needed some privacy to talk about Robert's and Rene's deaths. She knew Picard craved to know exactly what had happened, and though Marie did not seem to mind her being there, she felt that it would be better if they could first discuss the matter among themselves before sharing it with somebody who was not part of the family. It was well past midnight, but still Crusher could not sleep. After tossing and turning in her bed for an hour, she decided to get a glass of milk from the kitchen. Coming down the stairs, she could hear the two others still talking. Crusher tiptoed over to the kitchen, trying to make as little noise as possible in order not to disturb them. And then she suddenly heard it. She was not sure at first, so she cautiously moved closer to the living room doors. Her ears had not betrayed her: Jean-Luc was crying. It was something he had only very seldomly allowed himself on the ship, and only when he was sure that nobody except her would know about it. Crusher smiled. So he was finally coming to terms with his brother's and nephew's deaths. She had been right to leave them alone. They would talk about the family some more, cry some more and finally be exhausted but also glad about having spoken with each other openly. Crusher went back up to her room, still smiling. There would still be plenty of time during the following days for her to learn more about the Picard family. * * * Three days later, Crusher and Picard were strolling in the vineyard, relishing the warm rays of the sun and the sweet scent of the ripening grapes. It was evening, an hour after dinner, and the sun already started to set, bathing their surroundings in a soft, golden light. They did not talk for a long time; they did not have to. Companionable silence existed between them as each contemplated separate thoughts. The day after their arrival, they had visited the little village's graveyard, and Picard had said his good-byes to his brother and nephew. He had not tried to hide his emotions and cried openly at the gravesite, Crusher always close to provide help and support when needed. And he did need her. She had held him when he cried out his grief, finally letting go of all the emotional restraints which he had imposed on himself in order to be able to hold up the calm, stoic facade as captain of the Enterprise. Now that the burden of command had been taken from him --at least for a while-- he allowed himself to open up completely and to confront his feelings, trying to find a way to deal with them. Again they had stayed up late that night, remembering lost friends and dead relatives. Inevitably, the subject had touched on the death of Jack Crusher and how they both had suffered when it had happened. For the first time in all those years, they had been able to talk about it without the usual trace of awkwardness lying in the air. Crusher was startled out of her thoughts when Picard suddenly halted in front of a low barn. "This was my favourite place as a child," he said, his voice low. "I used to come here whenever I wanted to be alone. The roof had a crack, so I could lie down and look at the sky. Sometimes I even came here at night, studying the stars and dreaming about what it would be like to be among them. Robert never understood what it was that fascinated me so much, but sometimes he came here as well, just to keep me company." A small smile accompanied the fond memories. "I wonder if the crack is still there." He opened the door and stepped inside the barn. Crusher followed, her eyes slowly adjusting to the darkness. The sun had almost completely disappeared beneath the horizon by now, and although it was still fairly light outside, the interior of the barn was quite dark. Crusher followed close behind Picard who was heading towards the rear of the building. The ladder which led to the upper floor was still in place, and he tested its strength by heavily stomping on the first step. The wood proved quite sturdy, so he motioned for Crusher to take the lead. Carefully she climbed the steps to the top floor and then held onto the top of the ladder as Picard made his way upstairs. "By God, it's still there!" he exclaimed upon reaching the top and looking around. Roughly in the middle of the room, Crusher could see a narrow beacon of light filtering through the roof. She followed Picard, who was excited like a child, and let him lead her to the spot where the sky was visible. She felt almost solemn looking at the small patch of dark blue where, one by one, tiny stars made their appearance. Softly, she touched Picard's arm and he turned, startled. "Would you like to stay for a little while?" He nodded and, without saying a word, lay down on the floor, his face turned up at the stars. Crusher followed suit, and for a long time they said nothing. Then she could hear his voice, almost a whisper, through the darkness. "I wonder if he came here, too." She knew he was talking about Rene. "I'm sure he did," she said, feeling for Picard's hand and pressing it reassuringly. Involuntarily, she shivered, but tried not to let him feel it. He noticed nonetheless and sat up, a look of concern crossing his face. "Are you cold?" "Just a little bit," she lied, not wanting to force him to return to the house before he was ready. He was not buying it, though, and got to his feet, helping her up as well. "I wouldn't want you to freeze up here," he said as he was leading her back to the ladder. "Maybe we could come back another day, and bring a blanket and something to eat." Crusher nodded as they left the barn and turned towards the house. "I'd like that." Then she noticed that he was not following her. She turned around. He stood there, the last traces of light reflecting in his eyes and making them shine. Or was he crying? She could not tell for sure and stepped closer. Quickly, he wiped at his eyes. "Thank you." His voice was hoarse as he took her hands and held them. "Thank you for coming here with me and helping me through this. And most of all, thank you for sharing this with me." His head indicated the direction of the barn. "You don't have to thank me for that," Crusher whispered, her voice sounding soft and sweet in the darkness. "That's what I came here for." Impulsively, he pulled her closer and hugged her. Crusher was startled, but did not pull back. They stood like that for a long time, holding each other close, sharing their warmth and strength. Finally, reluctantly, Picard released her and they went back to the house. They did not talk anymore until they reached the house and parted to retire to their separate rooms. The feelings between them still lay unresolved, but somehow they both felt that they should just let things take their course and see where it would lead them. Still, both of them lay awake for some time, thinking about life, love and each other, and what could happen before the end of their leave. * * * The next morning at breakfast, Crusher and Picard discussed their plans for the day. "We could go down to the village for a couple of hours, do some shopping and relax in a café," Crusher suggested. "There's also a very interesting museum which we could visit," Picard supplied. "It's not big, but it shows the history of the village in every available detail." He smiled. "Actually, it was this museum which laid the foundation for my interest in archeology. I used to go there at least once every month, more often twice or even three times." Marie spoke up. "Why don't you wait until next week-end to go into the village? There'll be a fair with lots of different activities going on." "What do you think?" Picard looked at Crusher questioningly. "I think I'd like to see the fair," she responded honestly. "I imagine that it is going to be quite a representation of original French life-style, and that should be very interesting." "It's the fair on the week-end then," Picard decided, and was rewarded with a warm smile from Crusher. "That still leaves us with the old question: What do we do today?" "You could take the horses and follow the trail up the valley," Marie suggested. "Robert once told me that you boys had a special place to go to up there." "That's a marvellous idea," Picard exclaimed. "I haven't been there in years, and I've always wondered if it changed at all." "I'm quite sure it didn't," Marie assured him. "Around here, things don't change that much. We value our traditions and try to keep things simple. That's one of the reasons why Robert refused to adopt more modern vintage methods and insisted on doing everything the old-fashioned way." Picard's enthusiasm was suddenly halted when a new thought occurred to him. "I really shouldn't be so selfish. There must be a lot of work to do around the vineyard." He looked at Crusher apologetically. "Beverly, I hope you'll understand. Marie shouldn't have to do everything alone. I think I had better stay home today and help her." Before Crusher could open her mouth to respond, Marie already waved Picard off. "That's really not necessary, Jean-Luc. I have enough people to help me, you don't need to worry. Everything is taken care of." Picard started to protest. "Surely you don't expect me to just sit around and do nothing. There must be something I can do to help you." "Really, Jean-Luc, I can handle it. You are here to relax, so go and enjoy yourself." Picard grew impatient. He felt reproached by Marie's refusal to accept his offer. After all, the estate partly belonged to him, so he supposed he had the right to contribute his share in the family business, whether Marie wanted it or not. Just why did she not understand his point of view? "I think I am quite capable of deciding how I want to spend my time," he said, his tone more sarcastic than he had intended it to be. But now there was no turning back. "Why are you trying to keep me away from the vineyard? Someone has to take over Robert's work, and you can't do that alone." Stunned, Marie looked at him. Her first impulse was to snap at him, something along the lines of You never cared much about the business before, so you don't have to start now, but she knew this was not true. He did care, he just was not born to be a farmer, like Robert had been. Now that his brother was dead, he probably thought it his responsibility, as the only remaining son of his father, to take up the role as head of the family and see to it that the Picard vineyard would still grow and prosper. Thoughtfully, she looked at him and finally spoke, her voice calm and controlled but still betraying the sympathy she felt for him. "Jean-Luc, Robert is dead. Nothing will bring him back, much as I wished there was something I could do about it. He was carrying on the family tradition, taking care of the vineyard just as your father had done. I know that you're trying to do the same thing now, trying to fulfill your father's wish in taking Robert's place. But just imagine what would have happened had he not died. Robert would have run the business for another twenty, thirty, maybe even more years. Then he would have retired and left it to someone younger to take care of everything. He would have made sure that the name 'Picard' would not be forgotten among gourmets, even though he would not be pulling the strings behind it anymore. You would still have been traveling the stars, coming to visit us every now and then, feeling that everything was managed as best became your father's heritage." She looked at Picard with such intensity that he could not say a word. "And that's exactly what I'm doing now, keeping everything together as long as I'm still able to work. "Face it, Jean-Luc, if you started helping me now, how would I know how long I could really count on you? You want to fulfill what you think is your responsibility, but how long before you would inevitably be drawn back to the stars?" He did not answer, so Marie went on. "Robert knew he wouldn't always be there, so he picked a couple of fine people to support him, and now they help me in dealing with everything." She smiled warmly. "I promise you I'll keep the vineyard as long as possible; it's become as much a part of my life as it was of Robert's. And if I can't hold up anymore, I'll still do nothing without your consent. Robert wouldn't have, either. But he knew it wouldn't go on forever." "But Rene would have --" "Rene would have entered Starfleet Academy as soon as he was old enough, even if it meant acting against his father's wishes. I know that, you know that, and Robert knew it as well. "Jean-Luc, if you want to stay, you're very welcome to do so. But please, consider carefully if that's really what you want to do." With that, Marie got up and left the room, leaving a stunned and confused Picard behind her. * * * They talked little during the ride, and when they finally stopped at a small river winding its way through the valley, Picard still had not commented on Marie's words. Crusher contemplated how to touch on the subject, but since he did not really seem to acknowledge her mere presence, she finally gave up and instead started to prepare the picnic they had brought with them in a saddlebag. She chose a nearby rock as their table, and after unpacking and arranging everything, looked for Picard. He was sitting at the edge of the river, bare feet dangling idly in the water. Rather than calling for him, Crusher walked over and stood behind him, her hands gingerly touching his shoulders. "How about a little snack?" she asked lightly, hoping to pull him out of his reverie. She heard him say something, but it was not loud enough for her to hear. She bent down closer to him. "What did you say?" "She was right, you know." Slowly Picard turned to her, for the first time realizing that she had been there the whole time. Crusher sat down beside him, waiting for him to continue. "Marie was right in everything she said. I really wanted to stay, fulfill the responsibilities which I thought were mine and try to replace Robert as best I could. I thought that was what she expected from me as well." He shook his head in astonishment. "It never occurred to me that she might have a completely different view of the situation." A few moments passed in silence. Then he looked at her directly. "What shall I do, Beverly? Marie's given me the complete liberty of choice, and I don't know what to do." "You can do anything you want," Crusher replied, reassuringly patting his back. She was surprised when he took her hand and started caressing it gently. "Really anything?" he asked, his tone of voice changing, becoming softer. Crusher suddenly had the impression that he was asking far more than his words conveyed. He looked in her eyes, and she felt her heart melt. His gaze was so intense, so full of unvoiced feelings, that Crusher lost every thought of rationality. All she could think of were those hazel eyes, looking directly into her soul and searching for the answer to his unspoken question. She tried to force herself to respond, but all she could manage was an almost imperceptible nod as the last barriers of resolve crumbled within her. The next thing she knew was being enveloped in a tight embrace and Picard's lips were upon hers. She had half expected this to happen, but was nonetheless startled by his sudden outburst of passion. The surprise faded quickly, replaced by a growing feeling of warmth inside her, and when she kissed him back he clasped her even more tightly against his chest. The intensity of their kisses grew rapidly and their trembling hands started exploring each other's bodies. Suddenly Picard pulled back and looked at her with an expression that made her heart jump, so much love and tenderness lay in his eyes. "Are you sure this is what you want?" His voice was low, barely above a whisper, almost choked with suppressed desire. Beverly returned the question, a sweet smile playing on her lips, love and anticipation shining in her eyes. "Is it what you want?" And when he nodded, unable to speak, she pulled him down to her again, ending all further conversation. It was long before they remembered their picnic. * * * Once again the sun was setting and one by one, stars appeared in the dark blue sky. Picard and Crusher were watching the approach of night through the crack in the barn roof again, cuddled up against one another on a blanket they had brought along. They had also brought some food which remained untouched in the basket. Four weeks had passed since their picnic at the river, and it still sent a shiver of pleasure down Beverly's spine every time Jean-Luc kissed her. At first they had tried to keep their relationship a secret from Marie, but she had found out soon enough, surprising them one morning as they were kissing in the kitchen. The lovers had turned a bright red then, but Marie had not seemed the least bit embarassed. "I already started wondering how long it would take you to get there," she had said, a peculiar smile on her face that somehow had reminded Crusher of Guinan. Beverly was reminded of where she was when Picard ran a hand down over her arm, softly stroking her skin. He propped himself up on one elbow and studied her closely. "Do you know how much I love you?" he asked, his finger tracing the outline of her mouth. She softly kissed his fingertips, then pulled herself up to kiss his lips. "Probably as much as I love you," she said, settling back down comfortably in his embrace. "Beverly, I need to talk to you about something." The seriousness in his voice startled her. She tried to sit up, but he would not let her. "I received a communiqué from Starfleet Command this morning. They're offering me command of the Olympia, an Ambassador class vessel that will leave spacedock in three weeks for her maiden voyage. It's quite a small ship, compared to the Enterprise, and it's not nearly as important, but since I had made it clear to them after the crash that I would on no account accept a desk-job, they said this was the best they could offer me at the moment." Beverly felt herself grow cold, although he was still holding her tight. "Are you going to accept it?" "I made a few inquiries, and it really seems to be a good offer. Yet I didn't want to decide anything without talking to you first." He paused, studying her face. Beverly felt the tears rising up in her eyes, and it took a considerable effort to will them back down. Trying to keep her voice as steady as possible, she finally said, "If it really is such a good offer, maybe you should take it." "But you wouldn't like it." "I wouldn't like it at all if you went away and left me behind," she blurted out, tears clouding her eyes again. "Not after what we've had these past weeks." "I don't want to leave you, either," he assured her, hugging her close. Then, almost as an afterthought, he added, "By the way, they're still looking for a ship's doctor as well. You wouldn't happen to be interested in that position, would you?" She stared at him, disbelief and astonishment mixing in her expression as she tried to fully grasp that last bit of information he had given her. When the full meaning of the words finally sank in, a smile started spreading across her face. "I guess I can take that as a yes," he observed, trying to maintain a straight face. "Damn sure you can," she retorted. "And don't you ever think you can get rid of me that easily." He started to protest, but his words were cut short by her mouth covering his. He yielded willingly, and in the kiss they shared lay the promise of a lifetime. THE END avid readers since October 5, 2000 Back to my list of stories. ************^^^^^^^^^^^^************ © 1995-2000 by Hester