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Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager and all its characters belong to Paramount Pictures; no infringement of copyright is intended. The story however belongs to me.
One Wish
The most recent one had been taken only two weeks before, showing her and Tom Paris at the pool table at Sandrine's, fighting for victory in their latest pool contest. Paris had yet to beat her, but this was the closest match they'd ever had. She would have to pay more attention in the future, since Paris seemed to have learned a few new very sophisticated shots. A different picture caught her attention. Her parents looked up at her from out of a silver frame, smiling lightly. It was actually an arranged picture, put together from database files, but no less dear to her than all the others. The only photo Janeway had taken along on their supposedly short voyage had been the one she kept on her desk, the one of Mark. It had seemed sentimental at the time to take it along at all, like she couldn't even be without him for three weeks, but after the ship's relocation to the Delta Quadrant she had been infinitely grateful to have at least this small reminder of home. She had made the picture of her parents one night when homesickness had been threatening to overwhelm her and she needed some more familiar faces to look at. She lightly ran a finger along the picture's frame. "I miss you all," she whispered, blinking against the tears that started to blur her vision. She looked up and out at the stars, trying to find the calm they so often gave her. This time, it took longer than usual until she regained her equilibrium and a small, sad smile returned to her face. After another moment, she looked back down at the picture in front of her. Janeway's gaze shifted, moving on again. This one was almost half a year old now, having been taken at Chakotay's birthday party. It had been Harry Kim's idea to take a photo of all the senior officers, and after some objections by B'Elanna Torres and Tuvok they had finally assembled in front of the holodeck scenery. Even the doctor had conceded to take part and was wearing his usual look of assumed arrogance. Janeway chuckled. The doctor had come a long way during their time in the Delta Quadrant and was now a valued and respected member of the crew, just like everyone else. Even if by some chance a new doctor would join them on their mission, she didn't think she would want to see the Emergency Medical Hologram replaced. Not after all the things he had gone through with them. Another person in the picture caught Janeway's attention, and she had to smile. It was Chakotay, the birthday 'boy', wearing a silly hat Paris had insisted on giving to him, and an amused smile that betrayed his gentle nature. Janeway was standing next to him in the photo, and she remembered how he had put his arm around her back when Harry had asked them all to move closer together. Chakotay had done the same to Torres, who had been on his other side, but still Janeway had felt strangely excited at his touch, even though it had lasted only a few moments. Later, the two of them had sat apart from the rest of the party, talking and laughing. The strange feeling had come back to her then, and after a while their conversation had ceased, words being replaced by looks and, finally, a light squeeze of the hand before they got up and rejoined the party. Things had never been the same since then. The looks had grown longer, the occasional, seemingly accidental touches had become more frequent. Still neither of them spoke. Then, four months later, he had surprised her in the holodeck one night. It had been the third anniversary of their arrival in the Delta Quadrant, and Janeway had been feeling especially lonely and vulnerable that night. Chakotay knew how she felt, understood her without her having to say a single word. He took her in his arms and held her, trying to chase away the bleak thoughts and fears that threatened to overwhelm her. That night, they had talked. Talked about her life and his, their childhoods, families, friends, careers. Talked about past missions and hopes for the future. Talked about everything but what they slowly felt developing between them. When there were no safe topics left to talk about, Chakotay had walked her back to her quarters. They had said goodnight and he had turned to leave when she suddenly felt the urge to thank him for what he had done, show him that she cared just as much as he did. She had kissed him. It had just been a short, light kiss, very chaste and suggesting nothing more than friendship and gratitude. Nonetheless it had startled them both. Janeway had fled to the safety of her quarters, but she had not been able to sleep. Too many new and unsettling thoughts had been spinning around in her head, preventing her from getting any rest. At last she had given in and had walked the short way to Chakotay's door. He had answered the chime immediately, and from his looks she could see that he was just as restless as she. After a few moments, she had started talking again, this time about herself - and about Mark. Mark whom she had loved for years. Mark who was probably still waiting for her. Mark to whom she still felt an obligation. Mark who had no way of knowing whether she was alive or dead and whether she would ever return. Chakotay understood. He did not push her. He told her he cared for her and that he was willing to help her any way possible, but he also said she would have to let go of Mark if she ever really wanted to escape her loneliness. She told him she wasn't ready to do that. That had been six weeks ago. Six weeks in which Janeway had lain awake for more than one night, trying to decide which path to take. She knew her chances of ever seeing Mark again were slim at best, but she couldn't yet bring herself to take the final step away from him. Janeway's eyes moved to the picture of Mark and Bear, taken shortly before the Voyager's departure. Her eyes filled with tears. If only she could tell him she was alive! A flash of light suddenly blinded her. When her vision cleared, she looked straight into Q's mocking face. "Getting sentimental over a few old pictures, are we?" he sneered, carelessly picking up the photos and dismissing them one after the other. "Q! What on Earth are you doing here?" "Is that a way to greet an old friend? I merely wanted to drop by and see how you were doing." "I don't believe you," Janeway stated flatly. She was rapidly getting annoyed at the entity for disturbing her and snatched her beloved pictures out of his hands. "Either say what you want or leave." "All right, all right." Q put up his hands in defense, regarding her through half-closed eyes. "I see you are in a particularly bad mood today, so I'll come straight to the point. I want to fulfill you a wish." He leaned back, stretching out in the air as if lounging on a couch. "You what?" Janeway stared at him in utter astonishment, certain she must have misunderstood. Q nodded gravely. "I knew this would come as a surprise, but I am entirely sincere. Let's call it an early birthday present." Janeway was still suspicious. "Where's the catch?" "Really, you insult me. Doesn't it ever occur to you puny humans that even I can be nice every once in a while?" He straightened, looking straight into her eyes. When he spoke again, his voice lacked the usual sarcastic undercurrent, surprising Janeway even more than he had so far. "There is no catch. Just one restriction: I cannot send Voyager home. You alone may go, if you wish, but the rest of the crew will have to stay here." He spread his arms wide. "Other than that, your wish is my command." Janeway regarded him thoughtfully. He appeared sincere, but could she trust him? If she decided she could, what should she wish for? She closed her eyes. A thousand possibilities ran through her mind. Q waited patiently, which in itself already was a small miracle. After several minutes, Janeway reopened her eyes and regarded the entity steadily. She had made her decision. ***** A large house stood in the middle of a beautiful garden, surrounded by several apple and cherry trees. Kathryn Janeway slowly turned and took in all of her surroundings, the green fields, the sloping hills in the distance. Tears threatened to fall. She was home. After a long moment, she turned back towards the house. She hesitated before knocking; somehow it felt foolish to knock at the door to her own house, but she didn't want to startle Mark by simply appearing in the house. She heard steps approaching the door and nervously bit her lip. The door opened. He looked just as she remembered him. His eyes sparkled and his mouth held a smile to welcome whoever it was who had come calling on him. Just a few faint lines around his mouth told her that the past three years had been painful for him as well. His smile died on his lips the moment he saw her. They stared at each other, he mute with the shock of seeing her so unexpectedly, she overwhelmed by finally being with him again. "Kathryn," he finally stammered, reaching out a hand to confirm that she was real. "I- I thought you were dead." The words hit her like a blow. So he had given her up, had given up hope. She knew she should have been prepared, but his words stung her heart and numbed her thoughts. She did not know what to say, her mind was totally blank. At last Mark recovered enough to pull her inside the house. He closed the door and led her into the living room. She looked around slowly, noticing a few changes he had made, but most of all noticing the absence of a certain living being. "Where's Bear?" "At Susann's house. I just came back from a two-months trip, and she had offered to take Bear for the time that I was gone. I wanted to go round and pick her up later tonight." Janeway nodded. Susann was an old friend, she had always taken care of Bear when Janeway and Mark had to be away at the same time. Still, she had so much looked forward to seeing her dog again, to bury her face in the thick hairs and feel the muscular body, that the disappointment hit her hard. Mark stood awkwardly in the doorway, noting the disappointment in her face. "Can I get you anything? Tea, coffee?" She lifted her eyes and looked at him again, an uncertain smile forming on her face. "How about a hug?" He nodded and slowly advanced towards her. Then, with a sudden motion, he swept her up in his arms and pressed her close to his body, taking her breath away. Burying his face in her hair, he whispered, "My god, Kathryn, I never thought I'd see you again. Is it true?" All she could do was nod, tears choking her voice. Mark's words reached her as if through a haze. "Three years I've waited for you to return. Every night I'd look up at the stars and say to myself: 'Tomorrow. Tomorrow she'll come home.' But you never came. Everyone told me it was futile, that the Voyager had most likely been destroyed. But I kept hoping. In vain. After three years of waiting I finally forced myself to face the fact that you wouldn't come back. It was hard, but I got through it. I started to go out, started to live again. And slowly, very slowly, it didn't hurt just as much anymore to think of you, didn't hurt any more to see Bear. I had accepted your death. But now you're here!" Kathryn finally found her voice again. She drew back just enough to look into his eyes and spoke in low, even tones. "Mark, I'm not here to stay." "What do you mean?" He was confused. Fate had given her back to him and now she was speaking of leaving again? Janeway carefully disentangled herself from his embrace and led him over to the couch. When they sat down he put his arms around her again and pulled her close. She did not resist; it felt far too good to experience his love and strength again. Until now she had not realized just how much she missed this kind of close contact with someone. Thoughts of Chakotay entered her mind, but she chased them away. This was not the time to think of him; she was with Mark now, and she had to decide what to tell him. Slowly, reluctantly, Janeway began to speak. She told of Q, and the offer he had made her. Mark was familiar with the entity's reputation; the Enterprise's encounters with the alien were common knowledge to everyone affiliated with Starfleet. When she spoke about the choices Q had given her, Mark interrupted her. "You said he offered to return you to Earth. You obviously accepted, yet you say are not here to stay." "No." Janeway sighed inwardly. This was the hard part, and she wasn't sure whether Mark would understand her decision. She could only hope that he loved her enough to let her go- again. "The thought of returning home, of returning to you, was compelling, and I almost accepted. But then I thought of my crew, of all the people aboard Voyager who just have one wish: to get home, just like I wished. Throughout all the difficulties we have faced so far in the Delta Quadrant, that has been the only constant in our lives, the one thing that drives us day after day after day. If I were to leave now and leave them behind, I would betray all the hopes and trust they've placed in me. I just couldn't do it." Unconsciously she snuggled closer into Mark's embrace and he hugged her, all the while nodding absently as he mulled her words over in his head. For Kathryn Janeway, the well-being of her crew had always come first, overruling all other professional and personal concerns. He had learned that the very first day he had met her, and had supported her in every way possible since then. More than once had she canceled one of their dates due to ship's business. It was her absolute loyalty to her crew which made her such an excellent and well-respected captain, and Mark was proud to play an important part in her life, even though they couldn't spend as much time together as he would have liked. He knew that only with him she ever truly let her guard down and allowed herself to lean back and enjoy the simple pleasures like watching the sunset or swim in a mountain stream. They always tried to make those few special hours together as memorable as possible, because far too soon she would be gone again. It would have been uncharacteristic for her to act selfishly under any circumstances, and he could see why she would not leave Voyager to her fate. The ship and her crew needed her, and Mark knew she needed to see them safe as well. "I understand," he said. Janeway looked up at him and her eyes filled with tears. "I'm sorry if I caused you pain." He lifted his hand and lightly stroked her cheek, gently wiping away the droplets that started to roll down her face. "I'm grateful to know that you're alive and well. How long can you stay?" "A few hours. I came back to... to say good-bye." She dropped her eyes when she said those words, afraid to see what they did might do to him, but Mark lifted her chin, kissed her, and simply said, "I know." Those words, so simple yet so important, finally caused her to break down. The excitement of the previous hour had taken it's toll, and the fact that just this once the ship and her crew where beyond her influence gave her the freedom to succumb to her emotions. Mark held her and comforted her, allowing her to draw on his strength. Gradually Janeway regained her composure and began to talk, slowly at first, faster and with more and more fire as the time went on. She told of Voyager's adventures in the Delta Quadrant and of all the new races they had met so far. She also described the integration of the Maquis crew and how they had solved the problems that had arisen from that step. Chakotay was mentioned, just as Tuvok, Torres, Neelix, and all the other people whom Janeway was happy to call friends and not just colleagues. There was something in the way she described her first officer that made Mark suspect that there was more between them than she would tell, but he did not ask. It had taken him three years to accept that she would not be coming back to him, and he did not wish for her to experience the same pain he had felt for any longer than necessary. If she had indeed found someone to ease her loneliness, he was happy for her. At some point he asked her whether she was hungry, and she confessed she was. They moved over to the kitchen and started preparing dinner together, just as they had done whenever they had found the time in the past. Mark excused himself for a minute while Janeway was busy rummaging through the cupboards. He went to his communications terminal and called Susann to ask her to bring over Bear. Susann was surprised but accepted his explanation of being too fatigued from his long trip to come and get the dog himself. He did not mention Janeway's appearance; Starfleet gossip would get word of that soon enough, and he didn't want to have her hunted down and pumped for information in the short time she was home. The doorbell rang just as they were about to sit down to eat. Janeway raised her eyebrows inquiringly, but Mark only smiled and motioned for her to stay where she was while he went to answer the door. She strained her ears to catch a part of the conversation but it was to no avail. Finally she resigned and let her gaze fall out of the window and on the familiar scenery. Janeway's heart ached at the thought of leaving again shortly, probably never to return. At the same time she was grateful for the opportunity Q had given her, the chance to say a final good-bye to the place and the man she had loved. Not having been able to do that had been her greatest regret when she had given the command to destroy the Caretaker's array, and she knew that many of her crew would give anything to have the same opportunity she had been given. A lonely tear rolled down her face and she quickly turned away from the window, determined to get a grip on herself before Mark returned. She heard the front door close and quickly wiped at her eyes. She was just about to ask who it was when something big and dark came charging through the door and leapt in her direction. Janeway was too startled to react; only when the dark mass reached her and nearly knocked her over with shear joy did she comprehend what was happening. "Bear!" she exclaimed, fresh tears springing to her eyes as she fiercely hugged her beloved animal. The dog licked her face and madly danced around her as soon as she let go. Janeway looked up and saw Mark standing in the doorway, a huge grin on his face. "Thank you," she whispered, burying her face in the animal's thick fur to hide the tears that were streaming down her face. He walked over and knelt down beside her, enveloping both her and the dog in a warm embrace. "I knew you wouldn't be able to find peace without having seen her," he said quietly. "It was the least I could do." Janeway only nodded, her voice still choked from tears. He knew her so well. She almost wished she could stay, but she quickly banished that thought from her mind. Voyager needed her, and she also needed Voyager. The ship was her world now, and she had to look forward. Eventually, things calmed down and Janeway and Mark sat down to dinner, with Bear happily settling at Janeway's feet. This time, Mark did the talking, bringing her up to date on the most relevant news of the past three years. Soon, however, the conversation ceased; all the important things had been said, and they both knew that Janeway's time on back on Earth was almost up. After dinner, they went outside and stood bathed in the last rays of the setting sun. She asked him to contact Starfleet to let them know of Voyager's whereabouts and to inform the crew's families of what had become of their husbands and wives, daughters and sons. He promised he would do it first thing the next morning. Then they stood silent, looking at each other. He finally broke the spell by stepping closer and pulling her into his arms, embracing her for one last time. "You take care of yourself, you hear?" he told her, trying to mask the concern in his voice. She nodded and kissed him on the cheek, saying a silent 'thank you' for his support and understanding. "You know me. I'll be fine." He smiled. She then bent down to Bear, indulging one more time in the animal's declaration of affection. At last she tore herself away and walked a few steps up the driveway, then turned around to look back at Mark and Bear, who were watching her from the door step of their house. "I'm ready, Q," she said in a loud voice, certain that the entity was hanging around close by, waiting for her to signal him. An instant later, she felt a sensation similar to a transporter beam, tingling every nerve from head to toe. "Good-bye," she whispered as her vision started to blur and the image of home faded, to be replaced by the familiar sight of her quarters on Voyager. With a heavy sigh, Janeway looked around, expecting to see Q making himself at home in her cabin once again. To her surprise, he was nowhere to be seen. It appeared that for once he had the tact to know when he was not wanted. "Thank you," she whispered, still wondering what had induced the alien to grant her this wish but grateful nonetheless. Her only answer was a slight breeze of air, causing the photos that still lay spread out on her table to float to the ground. She picked them up with a smile and placed them in a drawer, then firmly closed it. There had been enough retrospection; it was time to move on. ***** When Janeway entered the bridge the next morning, everyone noticed at once that her smile was far more cheerful than it had been in the past couple of days, and that her step seemed just the slightest bit lighter. When she had checked the chronometer after her return to the ship, she had discovered that Q had sent her back without any loss of time. To Voyager's logs, it would appear as if she had never been gone. She knew she would have to tell the crew eventually, tell them that their relatives had been informed of their fate and they could stop worrying, but for the moment she just enjoyed being back among the people who had become her 'family' over the past three years. With any luck, they would become even closer as time went on. Chakotay eyed her with a smile when she took her seat next to him. "You look like you had a wonderful dream last night, Captain," he remarked. Sparkling eyes turned on him. "Indeed I did," she said brightly, trying not to laugh out loud at his amused look. Her smile deepened as she added cryptically, "it gave me a whole new outlook on the future." "Really? Maybe you'd like to tell us about it. There's nothing like the tale of a wild dream to liven up a dull day in the Delta Quadrant," Chakotay teased, but he had not missed the hint of seriousness in her last statement. "All in good time, Commander." She reached out and gave his arm an affectionate squeeze before turning her attention to the viewscreen. Voyager was once again 'home'. The end.
© 1995-2000 by Hester
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avid readers since October 5, 2000
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