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Did you ever lose a friend?
Of course you did. I don't mean because they died, although I've done that too...come back next Tuesday to read about that. But for some reason, someone you loved dearly is no longer a part of your life. It happens to all of us. It's life. It's hard to accept. Sometimes, you cling to it longer than you want to, longer than you should. You lay awake at night, wondering just what the hell went wrong along the way. How something that was so important to you is gone, probably forever. Because you can never really get it back, you know. Once the tie is broken the first time, any reattachment is always going to be in flux. It will always be unsure, the feelings will always be tentative. We can never go back. Only forward. Take the steps with me, if you like.
I had two dear friends who are also friends themselves. One friendship was broken by me, the other...just broken. Why? I have no idea. The first one was with someone who was hard to handle at times. Unpredictable. Wouldn't always keep in touch. Stretched the truth beyond a reasonable doubt. Spent money recklessly and could be incredibly selfish. But somewhere inside him was a person who would give when you needed it, who would stand up and support you. Part of me always knew he was a liar...could recognize his lies a mile away. Watched him lie to others, over and over. Trusted him anyway. But the day he told a lie about me was the last day I spoke to him. He crossed the line, and I'll never let him back over it. I might have, in the beginning. If he'd called. Apologized when he knew I'd found him out. Nothing. Silence. I'm letting it go, at last. Closing the door. Locking it. And walking away, without looking back.
The second is a recent loss, all the more painful because I don't understand. He moved away and hasn't contacted me since, though he's been in constant contact with our mutual friends. Someone mentioned him two days ago and then said, "That's right, you guys don't talk anymore." Well, I guess she's right. We don't. But I don't know why. We talked, the day before he left. We were supposed to see each other the next weekend but a friend of mine screwed up the plans and I ended up not being able to. And that was it. I don't know where he is. I don't have his phone number. I could get it, but these things are signs to me, and I am far from stupid. Or blind. And this one hurts worse than the first, because I always thought we were directing kindred spirits. He was the person who understood my analysis. His opinion mattered. But I'll kiss my fingers and wave goodbye, sadly. Cherishing the memories. Hurting more for the lack of closure, for a ending of a friendship with no true end is perhaps the cruelest of all. And to this, too, I will say goodbye. With a full heart. Last year, when he thought we were losing touch, he wrote me an email telling me he was afraid we were growing apart and he didn't want that to happen. Things change. People change. And you move on.
I'll move on.
My life is far from empty of friends. I have a much loved best friend. We have our ups and downs, too, but if she needed me, I'd drive an hour in the snow at three am to get to her. And I know she'd do the same for me. I have a circle of friends I met thanks to the internet, and someday, we'll do something wonderful together. I have friends at home, and friends far away. I'm lucky. Truly. Blessed.
But the friends you have don't make you miss the ones you lose any less.
But you still have to say goodbye. Close the door.
And so it ends. Not with a bang, but with a whimper?
~Mel~
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