Getting Home
by Jennifer Ferris
Author's Note: You'll notice that Janeway's mother is not named Gretchen. With all due respect to Jeri Taylor, I don't agree with all the elements in her book. This is not the Mosaic Janeway. This is also not in my usual J/C universe; a corollary, perhaps? One ficton away?
Please keep my disclaimer (Paramount owns the toys, etc.) and name attached if you share. Comments and crit welcomed by kevas@aol.com.
~*~
She steadied herself on the transporter platform, dizzy for a moment, then turned to face the man who was approaching her from the console. He was tall, slender, with sandy thinning hair and a smile in his eyes. "Whoa," he said, reaching to take her hand. "Give yourself a minute. We're used to it but I know it can feel a little strange."
"Thank you," she said uncertainly. "I'm Deborah--"
"--Janeway," he smiled. "I was on the horn when your message came in. I couldn't resist being the one to bring you aboard. Anyway, you wouldn't have had to tell me. The resemblance is unmistakable. You must be the Captain's...sister."
She laughed, just a little. "Um...permission to come aboard?"
"Perfect. Welcome, ma'am. I'm Tom Paris. Pilot. It's a pleasure to meet you."
She smiled at him. "For me too. Pilot?" Small talk. She'd just got here. She probably shouldn't shake him and shout, where is my daughter?
"Yeah. You could say I'm the one who brought us back." He grinned again, at a private joke she thought.
"She could," a woman's voice said from the doorway. "But you better not, not if you know what's good for you." Deborah turned to see a woman and child coming through the doorway. The woman was slender, with unruly dark hair and unusual ridges on her high forehead. Part Klingon. Deborah had no idea who she was. She didn't remember that there'd been any Klingons on board the Voyager when it had been lost. All those years ago, wondering who had been with her daughter when she...died. She'd never dreamed the truth.
And now, fifteen long years later, an eternity, here she was. On her daughter's ship, surrounded by strangers. Where was Kathryn?
"Hey, Be, I brought us back through the wormhole, didn't I?" Paris asked.
"Be quiet, Tom," the woman shushed him, studying Deborah intently. Her half-smile was hesitant. "Mrs. Janeway?"
Deborah shook herself sharply. "Yes."
"I'm B'Elanna Torres. Chief Engineer. You're looking a little pale, maybe we should find you someplace to sit down." Torres turned to the pilot. "Does the captain--"
"Um, I don't think so," Paris shook his head. He turned to the older woman. "Your message just came through a little while ago. I happened to be on the bridge when we got the compic. We've had so many--the computer just stacks 'em up till somebody gets a chance to sort through 'em all."
"I can imagine," Deborah said. "We're all a little...overwhelmed. It's like a dream come true." She moved with him toward the door.
"Yeah." Paris grinned. "Well. Come on, let's get you a cup of coffee and sit down. I'll call the captain and let her know she's got company."
They walked into a small room, recreation area maybe, dining room maybe. She took the seat he offered but shook her head at him. "I don't drink coffee."
Paris turned wide eyes on her. "You're kidding. I just assumed she got it from you."
They were trying to put her at ease, Deborah thought. "I can tell you know my daughter. She was sneaking coffee from the kitchen when she was 12."
"Sneaking--" He choked off his laughter and turned as Torres and the boy from the transporter room caught up with them.
The boy walked over and tugged impatiently at Paris' arm. "Dad." He was maybe ten years old, Deborah decided, watching them both. Her hand caught at her throat. A child. Children.
Paris tousled the boy's hair for a minute. "Yeah, boychik?"
"Don't call him that," Torres growled at him.
Paris grinned. "He doesn't mind."
"Tom--" the engineer looked up warningly. "We've been through this before."
"Okay, okay, B'Elanna," Paris held up his hands in mock surrender. "So. Paul," he said pointedly to the boy. "What's up?"
"Well," the boy shrugged, "Me and Paka were going to try out that sim on the holodeck, but mom said we couldn't unless it was okay with you."
"Ah." Paris inexplicably glanced back at Deborah Janeway. "Well, that's right. Where's Paka, anyway?"
"He's right here," a new voice said. Deborah watched as more strangers came into the room. A young boy dashed away from the big man who had spoken and ran to whisper in Paul's ear.
"Paka." If the boy was small, it was partly just in contrast. The man was solid, broad-shouldered, his hair softened with gray. Tall, dark...very goodlooking. Deborah smiled to herself at the cliche. She could barely keep her impatience in check and her mind was fluttering with irrelevancies.
The officer shook his head at...Paka? Strange name. "This is not the time." He looked over at Janeway for the first time. Some expression she couldn't decipher stirred in his dark eyes. He glanced down, reaching out to summon the boy, and walked slowly over to Deborah. Paka looked up at the man, then curiously at Janeway.
For the first time she really looked at the child. He wasn't as young as she'd first thought. For the first time, she took in his slight size, intelligent expression and sensitive smile, his deep blue eyes...she put a hand to her mouth. Carefully, she sat back in her chair, trying not to stare. "My name's Deborah," she said quietly to him.
"Hi," the boy said uncertainly. His eyes were very alert. "I'm Paka. Kolopak," he said proudly. "Should I know you?"
"No," Janeway shook her head. "Not yet." She brought her eyes back to the man standing beside Paka.
He wore a uniform, but that told her nothing. Everyone here had a uniform, except the children. It had been fifteen years. Her thoughts were whirling. The tall man smiled faintly at her. "Please. Let me get you some tea. You're Kathryn's mother." It was not a question. The boy shot a stare at her, his eyes widening, but said nothing.
"Yes," Deborah smiled faintly, with pride. "And I think she still doesn't know I'm here."
He shook his head in exasperation. "It's been a little crazy around here. Excuse me." He touched the insignia on his chest. "Chakotay to Janeway."
"Janeway here." Deborah gasped a little as she heard her daughter's voice. After all this time...she shook her head slowly, blinking tears away.
"Kathryn. There's someone here you need to see," Chakotay was saying. As he spoke, he dialed a cup of tea on a replicator and brought it over to Deborah. He touched her shoulder briefly, in reassurance somehow.
"Who--wait a minute, what is it, Carey--" The captain's voice faded away as she dealt with one of the thousand interruptions that had been plaguing the whole staff for the past week. "--all right, I'll--Listen, Chakotay, where are you?" Her voice was abrupt.
"Mess Two."
"I'll be there in a few minutes. There's about ten things going on here at once, hold the fort, would you? Janeway out." The connection was broken. Chakotay pulled out a chair across from Deborah and sat down at the table, studying her. "She won't be long." After a moment he turned to the boy. "Kolopak."
The boy nodded once, eyes wide. His father only used his full name when it was serious. Chakotay reached over to touch his cheek. "Go get your sister and bring her back here. We've got some things to talk about."
Paka would normally have been full of a thousand questions, but something about Chakotay's demeanor quieted him. He nodded again.
"Then scoot. Find your sister. She's probably still at school."
"Okay." The boy left the room quickly, looking back once. Chakotay winked at him.
Deborah watched the whole scene in silence, tears gone. The big man turned back to her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. I'm Chakotay."
"Deborah Janeway."
He nodded. "I've seen your holo many times."
Janeway was still preoccupied. "Of course there would be children..." she looked quietly at Chakotay. "That boy..."
He smiled, almost shyly, at her. She wondered at that, but her head was swimming so much she didn't stop to consider. "Paka."
Her eyes were full again. "He...his eyes. He looks like..." her voice caught.
"Yes." His face was full of warmth now. "He's Kathryn's son."
"Oh..." The tears spilled over now but Deborah's smile was happy. "Oh. Her son." Her mind was full of irrelevancies again. "His name, what does it mean?"
Chakotay took a visible breath. "It was...my father's name."
Her eyes widened. "Oh my," she shook her head, helplessly. "It's...a good thing I'm sitting down," she whispered.
He smiled sympathetically. "It's a bit much, isn't it."
"You can't...you can't imagine. We thought--we all thought--I've had a week to get used to the idea. A week since we learned the ship was back. I got to DS9 days ago. I've been waiting." She got hold of herself visibly. "We all thought you were dead."
"I know. There was no way to let anyone know. We've been trying for a long time to get here. We got lucky. We thought it would be much longer. We thought it would be a lifetime."
"It was." Her voice was still a whisper. She cleared her throat. "It truly was." She leaned back in her chair, looking intently at the stranger who was the father of her daughter's children. Who was her daughter's lover, husband, what? She didn't know. Time to sort that all out later. Her eyes looked him up and down, wondering about his tattoo, examining him, the strong shoulders, the abundant gray in his short hair, the lines of fatigue in his face. A fragment of memory from the old news stories came back to her. The tattoo. He was... Maquis? But that would mean...
He bore her scrutiny patiently. Finally he grinned. He had dimples. "Should I stand up for inspection?"
Deborah colored. "I'm sorry. I'm just--"
"Chakotay?" The deep, unmistakable voice of Kathryn Janeway. "Who am I supposed to see? I swear, if I weren't so glad to be back all this damned fuss would--"
For just an instant she didn't see who was sitting opposite Chakotay. He rose slowly, hand out to her. "Kath...." His voice warned her and she stopped. "Who--" and turned to see who he was with.
The captain of the Voyager froze, eyes wide with shock, hand over her mouth. "Mom?"
Deborah was out of her chair and standing before her daughter before she even realized she had moved. "Katie, oh, Katie."
"Oh god, oh my god," Kathryn gathered up her mother in her arms. She was speechless for a moment, words stopped in her throat. Then a wonderful smile broke out on her face. "How did you get here? We didn't expect to see anyone until we got back to spacedock, I didn't know--oh this is so wonderful, oh Mother," as tears slipped down her cheeks.
Deborah reached up slightly, holding her daughter as if she'd never let go. "Sssh, baby. Let me, it's all right, oh let me see you," she kissed Kathryn, stroking her hair. "Oh, baby."
Sniffling, Kathryn pulled back, put her hand on her mother's cheek. "Good god. I just never expected..."
Deborah smiled. "I knew who to ask. I've been waiting at DS9. Ever since the news got out."
"I should have known. Oh, mom. You don't know how wonderful it is to see you."
Deborah was regaining her composure. "Please. I don't know?"
"Sorry. It's just...now, it's real. We're really home." Kathryn looked up at Chakotay, tears still in her eyes. "We're home."
"Yes." He smiled at the captain and touched her cheek briefly.
Deborah watched them together, the love visible on their faces. With a start Kathryn turned back to her. "Good god," she said again. "Have you met?"
Chakotay smiled at Deborah. "Yes."
Deborah raised an eyebrow. "I also saw...Paka."
"Then you...ah. Where are they?" Turning back to Chakotay.
"I sent Paka to get her."
"Could you--I think we need a little time first."
This time his smile was for both of them. "Tell you what. I'll go head them off and drop them off with Sam for an hour or two. She won't mind. They can help her mind the babies for a while."
Kathryn started to nod, stopped. "Damn. There's O'Brien and those men from Bupers and-- They're meeting me on the bridge in...uh, five minutes ago."
Deborah could see the amusement in Chakotay's eyes. "Captain. I think you could be excused this time. I'll take the bridge."
Kathryn hesitated. "You know nothing's resolved with them yet. It'll be a hornet's nest. You shouldn't have to even talk to them."
His eyes were dancing. "Kathryn."
She looked abashed. "All right, Commander. Keep me apprised."
"Yes ma'am."
He turned to go. Kathryn called after him, "Don't forget the kids."
He just shook his head, shoulders shaking. He didn't even turn around. Kathryn turned back to her mother, a little apologetically. "He thinks I'm a little tight-assed sometimes."
Deborah slipped at arm around her waist. "Are you?"
"Hell yes. Come on. I just want to sit and look at you."
~*~
So there they were, five minutes later, sitting on the worn couch in Kathryn's living room. No, not just Kathryn's: Kathryn and Chakotay and two children. Deborah let her eyes wander around. "How do you do it? I had trouble enough with you and Phoebe and we had all those rooms and a yard for you to play in."
"We work at it." Kathryn had her legs collected under her and she looked around the room for a minute, trying to see it with fresh eyes. It was mostly neat. But there was Phoebe's faded sehlat, tucked behind the sofa cushions, and the grandfather clock with the glass face cracked. She had refused to fix it, the memory was too dear. Chakotay's carvings, tucked in the shelves. And the latest gift from Paka, stuffed into a box that it didn't quite fit. And shoes in all the corners. "We work at it," she repeated, smiling. "We've had to. Everybody has. That's what a lot of our life has been, the past few years. Making do. Managing."
"Oh, Kate." Her mother looked at her, worry in her eyes. "I wish...I wish." She shook her head at herself and laughed. "I wish I could have made it all better, isn't that silly, that's a mother for you."
"Yes." Kathryn's voice was very soft. "But if I'd been able to make it all better before all of this happened...I wouldn't. I wouldn't even consider it."
Deborah's eyes rested on her daughter, and she smiled. "Yes. I can see that."
Kathryn reached out again. "I'm so sorry we couldn't let you know. We all knew what you must be going through." A sad smile touched her face. "We knew. It drove us crazy, not being able to at least let people know we were alive and well. But we were so far away. We sent that one message, the only opportunity in all those years. Through the Romulans. Did you ever get it?"
Deborah shook her head in puzzlement. "The Romulans? Why would they-how would they-?"
"Then you didn't." Kathryn shook her head, lips thinned. "We never really thought it would work. I hoped...we all hoped. But we didn't expect it. Well. I'll tell you about it later, it's not important now. So much to tell..."
The captain of the Voyager reached for her mother's hand. "We all knew...for all intents and purposes, we were dead to everybody we loved. We had to make peace with that. It was...very hard, those first few years."
Deborah squeezed her hand. "I don't even know what to say. I don't suppose I can really imagine what it was like. There was just--never any trace. You all just disappeared. No debris, no radiation, no nothing. We just... They gave us a lot of explanations but they never really said anything. It was obvious they didn't know either." She shrugged, clearly having difficult with this still. "You're tough. I knew you'd be all right, if anybody could. But--"
"Tough." Kathryn laughed shortly. She waved away her mother's concern. "It's all right. It's been all right for a long time. But I wouldn't have made it. None of us would have, if we hadn't found a way to, to, reach out and help each other. Stand together."
"Ah." Deborah got up from the couch and wandered around the room, looking at this and that, finally ending up touching an old shirt of Chakotay's, draped over a chair. She turned with a knowing smile to her daughter. "I see you found a way to do that."
Kathryn felt her cheeks redden. "After all these years," she shook her head, half-exasperated. "Middle-aged. Getting gray, did you notice? Stick in the mud old captain. And you can still see right through me. How do you do that?"
"I've known you for a long time," Deborah said dryly.
"Yes." Kathryn walked over to her mother, picked up the shirt and put it back in the closet. She turned around with a grin, crossing her arms. "So. Where do you want me to start?"
Deborah continued to move around the cabin, looking alternately at her daughter, then at a pair of small shoes on the floor, touching a book or a stone with strange markings. "He's very good-looking."
"Very."
She recognized Kathryn's tone. Smiling inside, she continued. "I wondered about the tattoo."
"That's...a long story."
"Ah. Did he have it, when he was in the Maquis?"
Kathryn snorted. "So you know who he is."
"Well, I never knew details, but when you first...left," she frowned that subject away, "the news was full of the whole thing. Terrorists. Starfleet to the rescue. Starfleet--being blown up, Starfleet disappearing--" she found herself crying and she had not meant to do that.
Her daughter cradled her. "Shhh. I know. Now I know. It was awful, wasn't it?"
"Katie. My girl." Deborah took deep breaths, trying to contain herself. There was no need for this.
"I'm here. I'm here now."
"I know." She tried to smile. Kathryn was looking at her with eyes narrowed. "What?"
Janeway shook her head. "I was just realizing...we're more alike than I thought. I do that too."
"Do what?"
"Don't let myself cry. Don't let myself give in."
"Oh. You've always been like that, ever since you were little." Deborah smiled.
"It was almost my undoing, out there," the captain crossed to her viewport, looking out at the bustle of DS9 docking activity. "I almost got us all killed. More than once, if truth be known."
Her mother walked over to stand with her, leaning against the wall, arms folded. "How?"
Janeway shook her head. "I was so determined. So rigid. You know if a metal is too brittle, it breaks."
"Did that happen?"
"Yes. Almost. I got lucky. I had Chakotay. Well. I didn't 'have' him then," she smiled at her mother. "But he was there, all the same. It was the fourth year. Things were...dreadful. We were barely holding our own. I don't think the crew realized quite how bad it was, but Chakotay did. He confronted me about it." She smiled. "He's never been afraid to do that. I think that was the first thing I noticed about him. He wasn't afraid of me."
Her mother snorted delicately. "Should he have been?"
"You don't understand. I represented everything he had rejected. And I had the power of authority behind me. He had no reason to--" She touched her hand to her mouth. "And the amazing thing was, he was willing to work with me. To fit himself into my command, for the good of our people. That was quite a concession on his part," she looked sideways at her mother. "I was sent out to apprehend him, you know. To rescue Tuvok, and to bring Chakotay back. To prison, or worse." She shook her head ruefully. "The dreaded terrorists. The Maquis. The hardened criminals...Chakotay was their captain. He sacrificed his ship. Literally. He destroyed it to save us, at the very beginning...It took me a long time to understand how he could do that. A long time before I could really concede the kind of strength it took to...well. He did it. And then of course, the Array was destroyed and our problems were just beginning."
She turned to look at her mother again. "Come on, let's sit down. We haven't got time for the long version. Soon. Not right now. In a little while you're going to be overwhelmed with..."
Deborah smiled again, a hint of Kathryn's grin playing over her features. "I think I can take it."
"There must be a million things you want to know about. And I haven't even asked about Phoebe."
"Phoebe's fine. She's on Altair with her husband. They have two children." Deborah grinned. "Too." Kathryn laughed softly and Deborah shook her head. "Of course I have a million questions. But you're here. We have time, now. And I can't think of anything more important than your family and...Chakotay. Finish what you were saying."
"Ah, it's old history."
"Not to me. Tell me. How did you get from...Point A to Point B?" She waved a hand at the room.
"I guess--he's more stubborn than I am."
"And?"
Kathryn smiled. "Short version then. Well. Those first years... we had one problem after another. I can look at it easily, now, because we made it through. But then... We'd been in several costly battles. We were still in enemy territory. We'd just lost a...very valued member of the crew." She smiled, still, to think of Kes. Such a privilege, to have known her. "We were all hurting. And Chakotay and I were barely speaking. We'd been at odds before, but this time I didn't think we were going to heal the breach."
"He was my first officer practically from the first. We had to trust each other. We had to be able to rely on each other." She curled into the sofa. "I should...Do you want some more tea? Or a drink?"
"No. Only to see you. Keep going. I want to hear this." Kathryn reached for her mother's hand, stroking it as she spoke, eyes searching the room. Looking at memories. Thank god Chakotay had been strong then. Thank god. Because she had been breaking. "Chakotay...confronted me. Called a showdown between us. It cost him a lot. He was in love with me, had been for a long time. So was I, of course. In love with him. But I wouldn't admit it. I wouldn't admit anything. I didn't need anybody."
She smiled again. "It's funny. We were in a hell of a fight. We were shouting at each other. I hit him." She eyed her mother from the corner of her eyes. "You know that's not like me. I don't lose control. I certainly don't go around hitting people."
"You used to hit your sister," Deborah shrugged elaborately.
"You never saw the whole thing," Kathryn laughed. "She used to-well, anyway. I don't go around doing that. People on this ship would be amazed...well, they would have then, anyway. I've...loosened up considerably in the last ten years or so. But that night...I'll tell you something. Chakotay saved us all, that night. He made me face up to a lot of demons. And he was so absolutely, infuriatingly right. I almost didn't forgive him for that. If he hadn't-"
"If he hadn't...what?"
"Um, well." To her own surprise, Janeway blushed. "Never mind."
"Oh." Deborah grinned.
"Um hmm. Well, anyway, then I had to sit down and talk seriously with myself. That was a turning point for...a lot of things." Kathryn unwound her legs from under her. "I had to decide...a lot of us had to decide. We thought it would take another 60 years to get home, Mother."
"I...didn't realize," Deborah shook her head. "I still don't know the whole picture, you know. "
"I know. You'll hear everything. But there's so much-"
A two-toned beep sounded in the room and Deborah looked around for the vidscreen. Kathryn shook her head, touching the comm badge on her chest. "Janeway."
"Excuse me, Captain," Chakotay's voice was soft in contrast to the formality of his words. "I wondered if you were ready for some visitors."
"That depends," Janeway said dryly. "If it's Thompson from Bupers, or--"
"Think smaller. And livelier."
"Ah. Then in that case, Commander," Janeway winked at her mother, "I think we're ready. Or at least as ready as we're going to be."
"We'll be there in a few minutes. Chakotay out."
Kathryn crossed back to the sofa and knelt down in front of Deborah. "Did I speak too soon?"
"Katie, if you get me a week I don't think I'll be 'ready' to meet your children. On the other hand I'm holding my breath I'm so happy for you. Tell me something though."
"Anything."
Deborah reached out and touched Kathryn's cheek. "I don't think I even need to ask this. I guess just for the record."
"Go ahead."
"I don't even need to ask. Before I came on board, I was thinking about...what might have been."
"And?"
Deborah smiled apologetically. "Mark."
Kathryn straightened a bit. "I was wondering if you'd...have you seen him? Since the news came out? Is he well?"
"He's fine. He called me the night before I left. I don't know what he really feels, of course. But-yes, he's well. He's married now."
"Oh, I'm glad." Kathryn sighed. "I hoped he had...moved on."
"I don't know why I even asked. I guess, just to close the-"
The door in the other room opened without warning. Kathryn turned quickly back to her mother. "What else?"
"Nothing that matters. More than them," Deborah nodded toward the sounds in the other room.
With a half grin, Kathryn squinted up at her mother. "I think it's crunch time." With a deep breath, Deborah settled back into the sofa, knowing somehow that she didn't want to push, or seem too eager or grasping. Not these first minutes. Let the children see her calm, first. If she could. They were already spilling into the other room. Two children. She could hear them whispering.
Chakotay came through to the living area. He went straight to Deborah and held out his hands. "May I?" She took his hands and let him help her up, not knowing what he expected but trusting the affection she saw in his face. He leaned down to her, touching his cheek to hers on one side of her face, then the other. It was an oddly formal gesture. His right hand released hers and hovered briefly, near her left cheek, and her right, lightly touched her breastbone, and moved away. His lips moved briefly, silently, shaping some words she couldn't understand. It was very brief. When he had finished, he kissed her cheek softly, and stepped back one pace. Deborah looked up at him questioningly. "I was thanking you," he explained. "For Kathryn's birth. For giving me the mother of my children."
For a moment Deborah was speechless. Finally she smiled, and squeezed his hand. Needing to lighten the moment, she turned to Kathryn. "And it took you four years to make up your mind?"
Chakotay burst out laughing. "I need to know what she's been telling you. But there's something more important." He looked down at Deborah. "They've been very patient," he said, nodding at the other room.
She grinned at him. "So have I."
"Well. Come on."
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