A Gift of Self---Part One

by Jennifer Ferris

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Author's Note:In this alternate universe, which begins sometime early in the fourth season, Janeway and Chakotay have a relationship both professional and intimate. Janeway has resolved the difficulties in her mind. As I've said before, I think she could manage both priorities. She's a pretty smart cookie.

This series will have stories and vignettes. They definitely won't all be about sex, but a sexual relationship is part of the package. Some of the stories will be rated NC-17 (this one definitely is. IF YOU'RE UNDER 18, READ NO FURTHER). And, since one of the events that defines where this a/u begins is the acknowledgement of Janeway's feelings for her first officer, I've decided to start the series off with...well...a bang. Here goes.

Disclaimer: these are Paramount's toys. I'll give them back in good condition. I hope they have as much fun with them as we do.

The decision was absolutely clear in her mind the minute she woke up. Kathryn Janeway stretched and stared at the ceiling in her quarters. It was as if she'd been calculating all the data in her sleep. Night after night, for so long she couldn't remember a time before there was this decision in her, waiting to be made, waiting to see the light. Now it fell neatly into place as soon as she opened her eyes.

Kes had something to do with it. With the timing, anyway. She had left them only weeks ago, her smiling face as clear in Kathryn's mind as if it had been only minutes. Kes had blessed them. She had sent them ten years closer to home, an immense gift; and she had looked into the hearts of the people on Voyager and given some of them another gift. Immeasureable. A gift of self, and certainty. Kes was gone now, not dead, but unreachable. There was no way Kathryn could pay her back. She could only...pay the gift forward. A gift of self, and certainty.

She took extra care with her morning preparations, a long, luxuriant hot shower, using the scented shampoo she liked best. Brushing her hair till it shone, wondering almost idly if she should have cut it after all, wondering if it was becoming. Thoughts she ordinarily dismissed. Smoothing on silky body lotion, reveling in the touch of the moisture, not quite picturing other hands on her skin. Not focusing, refusing to linger on those thoughts that hovered just outside her awareness. All her senses felt heightened.

On her way to breakfast she stopped in the kitchen to see Neelix briefly and ask the Talaxian how he was faring. It seemed more important now than ever, that he know he was valued. That he was a part of their family. He would have to find his own way to peace, the peace that was growing in her. The surface of her life hadn't changed, not yet. Only the warmth that blossomed under her sternum, on her skin, in the air she drew into her lungs. She wished she could give this peace to everyone on the ship.

When she left the kitchen, she saw Chakotay.

"Captain." There were people about, so he used her title. But his eyes didn't. Each morning, when he first saw her, in the mess hall, on the bridge, wherever they were, his eyes smiled at her and said 'Kathryn'. Even when they were fighting-perhaps most, when they were fighting--the first thing he greeted, perhaps the first thing he saw, was Kathryn. Not the rank. But the person.

"Chakotay." She watched him walk toward her, a slight smile on his face. She watched him, the tall, solid frame, the beginning of grey in his hair, the promise of his mouth--not here, she told herself. Not here.

She stood there for only a moment but he realized that there was something-something-- perhaps he could read her face better than she knew. Of course he could. She could see so much when she looked at him... Nobody else was looking at them strangely, so maybe she wasn't telegraphing. Except to him. As he stood next to her, waiting, a faintly quizzical look lighting his features, she touched him, letting her hand linger on his wrist. "I was wrong," she offered, quietly. Then she turned--not here, this isn't the place, and went in to get her breakfast.

He stared after her, eyes just a little wide, not letting himself believe what he wanted her to have meant. But a smile crossed his face like sunshine.

* * *

Their shift was over. It was hours past time for dinner by the time they'd analyzed that day's simulations. First watch was long gone.

"Commander, if I could have a few minutes of your time before we say goodnight? We have some matters yet to discuss." There, that was ambiguous and safe enough.

"Of course, Captain."

They left the bridge together, waited through an endless ride in the lift, walked quietly to her quarters. When the door shut behind them Chakotay stopped. "Kathryn..."

She turned slowly to let him see her face, trying to hide the anticipation she felt. She didn't dare presume, not now. She crossed over to the couch, curled up on it, beckoned for him to join her.

"What did you want to tell me?" he asked, quietly. He sat beside her, patient and still. Well-maybe not patient. But with the mask in place that he used for patience. Suddenly a little frightened, Kathryn rose. "Would you like some tea?"

Chakotay leaned back into the couch. If he didn't know better he'd say the captain was stalling. But she'd asked him here. "Sure. If you'll join me."

Kathryn busied herself at the replicator. Her hands were sweating. The awareness that had heightened her whole day was focused now. Fear, or nerves, fluttered in her stomach. She took a deep breath, willing calm. She turned back toward the sofa, carrying the tea, watching Chakotay as he waited.

"I...needed to talk to you."

He nodded. She walked back slowly, back straight and proud. "I..." She felt uncertainty wash over her. Not about her decision. But she had put him through so much...was this arbitrary, selfish on her part?

"Kathryn..." Chakotay took the cups from her and put them down on the coffee table. "Come here. Please? Tell me."

"Yes. I want to. I'm just..."

He reached out, as if to touch her, but let his hand drop. She'd speak when she was ready. "It's all right. Whatever it is."

"Yes." Kathryn shook her head once in impatience. She was used to dealing with - anything she had to - and now she was tongue-tied as a cadet. "Chakotay. I have to ask you something." She crouched down in front of the sofa, eye to eye with him.

He tilted his head, waiting. A muscle in his jaw clenched, once, unconsciously.

Kathryn reached out to stroke his hand. He grasped hers immediately, lending support and comfort. He cupped her hand in both of his. Take what you need. Ask what you will. I'll try. I'll help. Just ask. All of those things given to her, with just a touch.

She found the courage to look at him, to see his eyes, warm and full of life. "I've been an awful fool," she whispered.

A smile touched the corner of his mouth. "Have you? Good."

She couldn't help the grin that spread across her face. "'Good'?"

"Sure. We're all fools, Kathryn. Some of us haven't figured it out yet, that's all," and his hand waggled back and forth a little bit, teasing, self-deprecating. "Join the club. So. Are you going to tell me what you did that was so foolish?"

"I'm...yes." She cleared her throat a little self-consciously, looking down at their hands, still joined. Without thought, she squeezed his fingers.

There was a tiny smile on his face as he looked at her. She spoke, almost whispering, before she lost her nerve, holding Chakotay's hands as if they were a lifeline. "I've been fighting for a long time. I was so sure I was right, I was so damned self-righteous, that I almost damaged something precious, maybe beyond repair. I hope not. I hope..."

"What?" His voice, urging her on, but quiet. As if he was afraid of her answer, or afraid to hope.

"I need your help."

"It's yours." That was immediate. Unqualified.

"I have to mend a rift...there's a huge distance. Here." She touched her own heart, then reached out to spread her hand on his chest. "I've created it. Can you help me?"

"Kathryn." His eyes were very large, very black. "There's no distance. None you don't want."

"I don't...I don't. I told you I was a fool-" Chakotay rose from the couch, pulling her up with him, his hands moving down her arms to her waist. His hands were very warm. Kathryn felt the blood moving in her veins, her pulse rapid, as if she'd just run a long distance, and then he stopped. He stopped, his lips a few scant inches from her mouth, leaving her this space. To move away if she wanted. To pull him closer if she wanted. Oh, god, she wanted. Helpless, she shook her head. "I've pushed you so far away. You're so far away..."

"Not now. Not any more?" And he moved those few inches closer. His lips touched hers, gently, as if he feared she'd fade away, like a dream, if he wished too hard.

But she wasn't going to go away. Not if he wanted her here. Not if he still wanted her. "Oh," Kathryn whispered, remembering that she was supposed to breathe. She burrowed a little closer, letting her hands slide around him, to the back of his neck. "Yes. Yes. I've been such a-" The first kiss had been gentle. The second was not. Chakotay's mouth opened hers, the taste of him washing through her senses, after all her imaginings-- he licked her lips, his tongue seeking, his arms urging her closer. Kathryn stretched up on tiptoe to fit herself to him, holding his face. Finally, needing to breathe, she pulled back. Just a little.

She could feel his heartbeat against her chest. "When I thought about it, about you, I was so afraid."

His hands were gentle on her hair as he shook his head once in protest. "Why?"

"You've been so, so careful. We've been...it's been difficult lately. I didn't know if you still..."

"Kathryn." Chakotay's voice was very quiet. "I've always been here. I've waited for you. I didn't think you wanted me to."

"I didn't know if you could ever forgive me."

He drew back a little to look at her. "For what?"

"For...imposing this distance. I don't know. For being the captain."

He drew a breath, half-laughing, half a wordless cry of protest. "That's what you are. Why should I forgive you for being yourself?"

"I thought...for so long I thought I had to keep you away. But now..."

"But now?" He kept his face still, but his hands...oh, his hands moved so slightly, so gently on her back, her waist.

"I told you. I learned something. I've been so blind, and stubborn."

That earned her a shaky laugh. "Yes. That's true."

She shook her head. "Everything is different now."

His hands stilled. "Is it."

"Can't you see it? Look at me."

"All right." Chakotay leaned back slightly, not moving his arms from around her, and slowly looked his captain up and down, once, twice, lingering. "What am I looking for?"

Her fingers traced his lips. "You tell me."

"You look like yourself. Like Kathryn. Beautiful." At her 'ssst' of exasperation, he studied her more seriously. "All right. You look, you look...lighter somehow. Rested, maybe."

"Ah, love," Kathryn murmured, leaning back to him, "that's it. I'm lighter. An awful weight is gone."

He stood very still for a moment. "Kathryn?" She nodded. "You said... Will you finally let me say it?"

"Oh, god," Janeway shook her head. "I never meant to stop you."

"Yes, you did." He tucked a hand under her chin. The touch turned into a caress. "But now I can say it. I love you, Kathryn. I love you more than you know."

"Chakotay." Her voice wrapped itself around his name, treasuring it. "Oh, love. I've wanted..." She shrugged helplessly.

"Yes.." He drew a breath in, of wonder, maybe disbelief. His hands cupped her face. "Kathryn." He kissed her again, a little harshly, as if his need could find no other voice, no better voice. His mouth lingering as if to make up for all the times he'd thought of touching her and couldn't. "Oh yes. I know..." and his lips followed the curve of her jaw, down her throat, nipping lightly, feeling the pulse of her heartbeat.

His hands brushed against the fabric of her uniform, stopping at her turtleneck. His thumb stroked against her jaw and he waited. "Tell me what you want. I don't want to stop. But you have to tell me."

"You." Her voice was low, but very clear. Not uncertain, not now. "I want you. If you want this too. If you..."

Chakotay's eyes closed, his head thrown slightly back, but he opened them now and stared at her. "Are you sure? Don't-"

She pressed her fingers against his mouth. "God. Oh, love. Yes."

He ran his hands down her back, hard, resting finally on her bottom, pulling her up and toward him. His feet shifted, braced, as he raised her slightly. "Come here. This..." and he shifted one hand, drawing it up her uniform, smoothing over her rump and her back and cupping her breast. "This thing has to go."

She reached for the fastening, breathing deeply, her face warm, feeling very alive. "Oh. Oh." She shook her head, and smiled. "Wait."

"What?" Chakotay stopped, not breathing, not moving away.

"Nothing. Just a-" She reached between them to touch her comm badge. "Janeway to Tuvok."

There was almost no delay. "Tuvok here, Captain."

She took a careful breath, watching Chakotay, a smile crinkling her eyes, willing her voice to be steady. "Tuvok. Commander Chakotay and I have some matters to attend to in the morning. We'll be late getting to the bridge. Contact me if there's anything I need to know about, but otherwise, will you take the early watch?"

The Vulcan's voice was even. "Of course, Captain." No questions.

"Thank you. See you mid-watch. Janeway out." She smiled at Chakotay as she removed the comm badge.

Chakotay was waiting, deliberately. "Captain?"

"Yes, Commander." Her hand moved to the front of her uniform, unzipping it, wanting him to see her certainty.

He kept his face impassive with an effort. "Have I told you lately how much I admire you?"

"Not enough," she laughed softly.

"Oh, I do. You don't do things halfway, do you?" His hands gently urged her uniform off her shoulders, taking his time as if he had to be very careful.

"No, I don't," she said, a half-smile still tugging at her lips. "Not any more. Not this time. Oh," she breathed as Chakotay's hand moved over her hip, caressing as he slid the uniform down. She held his arm for balance as she stood first on one foot, then the other, tugging her boots off. Impatiently, she peeled off the rest of her clothing and grabbed Chakotay's wrist, pulling at him to follow her into her bedroom. She sat on the bed and then rose to her knees, hands straying to touch him as he undressed. Helping him. The barrier of clothing was suddenly intolerable. She pulled him to her as soon as he was naked.

He met her squarely, both of them on their knees on the bed in the captain's quarters, pressed flesh to flesh, thigh to thigh. Their embrace so tight that Kathryn felt the pressure in her lungs. Her mouth sought Chakotay's, drinking him in, giddy with his taste and his warmth and the feel of his skin on hers. Chakotay loosened his grip, realizing, shoving the bedclothes out of the way as he lowered her to the mattress.

Kathryn pressed close, pulling Chakotay to her, running her hands down his back and following the curve of his buttocks as she lifted her hips to tempt him closer. When he released her mouth all she could say was, "Oh...oh love. Yes."

Chakotay shifted away, slightly, smoothing his hands over her. His mouth grazed her side, nibbling along her ribs and stomach, licking the soft skin at the juncture where her waist swelled into hip. The touch sent electricity shooting through her nerves and she gasped a little. "You...oh, oh, you can't know..." She thrust her hips upward, squirming on the bed, spreading her legs wider.

"Kathryn..." Chakotay pulled away just a little, to drink in her shining eyes and flushed cheeks.

"What? Tell me." Her voice was shaky.

"I just have to see you. To look at you. You're beautiful," he whispered.

She slid her fingers past his waist, her nails scraping lightly, to the top of his thigh. Finding his erection. "Love. Oh. Don't you think...oh, come-"

Chakotay laughed softly, his mouth sliding down her neck, gently teasing. "Soon," he said, not stopping.

"No...oh-"

"No?" He licked her breast, sucking her nipples. Kathryn made a wordless sound of impatience and he stopped what he was doing and turned to watch her face. Without a word, he raised up onto his knees, hands stroking down her thighs, parting them further. His engorged penis brushed at her pubic hair. He shifted, the tip of his cock sliding against her wet sex. "Tell me," he breathed, his voice a little rough.

"Come here," she entreated, lifting her hips to him.

"Yes," he whispered as he slid his hands under her ass. His cock slipped once, twice, and he thrust forward. Kathryn locked her legs around him, her neck arched back. For a few minutes they barely moved, hands easing each other, joined with heat and need. Chakotay raised himself a little, braced on his hands, mouth an inch from hers. Then brushing. Bruising. A great surge washed through her. Kathryn closed her eyes, finally, head tossing on the pillow. Chakotay brushed his mouth against her jaw, licking her neck. "I'm going to stay here forever," he whispered.

Kathryn pushed against him. "Maybe not...exactly just there," and she drew her hips back, then surged forward on his cock.

"God, you're...I've wanted to--" he drew a harsh breath. He raised himself up, and pulled his hips back, then thrust hard into her. Once. Twice. Again. Kathryn surged upward, gasping, mouth open on his neck. She stayed there a moment, tasting him, but it took too much control. Her heart was pounding and the heat centering in her, stomach muscles clenching involuntarily. Chakotay was thrusting hard now, sliding almost out, then back in, grinding himself against her, and she fell back onto the mattress, shifting her legs flat to brace herself. Something to push against. Something to push toward.

"Let me...uh," she twisted against him, jerking her hips in a tight circle. He slowed, joining her, barely shifting. "Cha...kotay. Don't-"

"Don't?" he asked, forcing his eyes open, sweating. "Oh," as his hips slammed forward, cock pulsing hot in her. "Ah." Slap. "Aah," his breath catching.

"Don't stop, don't st-"

"Wasn't. Won't." Chakotay lowered further, kissing Kathryn's neck, her cheek, the spot behind her ear. His hips lifted, ground into her belly, his movements short and jerky now.

Kathryn groaned, her eyes rolled back, face twisting in a grimace, the explosion shuddering through her. She shrieked into Chakotay's mouth. The heat, the spasm of her muscles on his cock was too much and he threw his head back, "Can't-god, AHHH, KATHRYN-" and he came, spurting, hands clutching at her to drive him through her, his cock pulsing its heat and life into her.

. . . . .

"Oh god," the captain of the Voyager murmured shakily. She lifted one leg and nudged Chakotay, meaning to draw him closer, but moving was too much effort just for a moment. Chakotay stretched one arm across her, both of them still gasping for breath. He took Kathryn's hand and pressed it to his chest.

She felt his heart hammering. "I know...oh. Oh," she tilted her face, wanting to kiss him, but she couldn't seem to breathe. Her head fell back on the pillow. "Oh. Oh god. I..."

"Um hmm..." He brushed his open mouth against her.

"I...oh. I feel..."

"What."

"Like..." she broke into a helpless smile. "I feel like a gift."

Chakotay raised himself up on an elbow, an answering smile in his eyes. "Yes."

She brushed the damp hair off his forehead. "God. God." She smiled hugely. "I'm out of practice."

He laughed softly. "We'll work on it."

"Yes, Commander, I think we will."

He leaned down to kiss her. "I could do this forever. We could."

"Yah." Janeway stroked his cheek. "God. You feel wonderful."

His mouth lifted at the way she'd phrased it. "Yes, I do." He shook his head ruefully. "I meant to make it last for you. I wanted this time to be the best I could do. Our first time."

She stared deadpan at her first officer, eyebrow raised in unconscious imitation of her best command look. "You mean this wasn't your best?"

"You tell me. Later."

"Good god. You're going to kill me. After all this time, I find out what the real Maquis threat is."

Chakotay laughed again, but his smile faded slowly, his hand still brushing her cheek. "I love you."

"I know."

"I have to tell you. I can't keep the words inside." His eyes crinkled up with laughter again, as if it was bubbling out of him and he couldn't stop it. "Besides. It's the one time you know I'm not trying to get your pants off."

"Haven't got any." Kathryn shifted her hips at him, emphasizing. They squished together, moisture sliding out of her.

"I noticed."

"One of us has to get up. Actually, you have to get up."

"Why? Don't tell me I have to go home." Chakotay stroked between her legs again, feather light.

She squeaked, protesting, too sensitive for a few minutes to even be able to enjoy it. "Oh my love. God. Um, what was I...oh. One of us has to move. You. Because if I move," she said, "I'm going to leak. And then one of us has to sleep in the wet spot."

"Oh. Okay." Chakotay swung his legs over the side of the bed, leaned down to kiss her. "Don't go anywhere."

"Won't." She pressed her thighs firmly together.

He brought back a washcloth, wrung almost dry, and held it against her. The cloth was so hot it was almost uncomfortable. "Ah. God. That's wonderful."

"Uh huh." He pressed the cloth against her, hand behind the warmth, not moving much, soothing.

"Can we talk now?" Kathryn stopped his hand, twining their fingers together.

"Of course. We can always talk."

"Mmm hmm."

"So." His voice challenged her now.

Kathryn shook her head, too sleepy for the careful speech she had planned. "Come here." She pulled Chakotay to her. "Bring the covers." Obligingly he grabbed the sheet and Kathryn's quilt. She pulled him close again, snuggling a leg in between his. His penis, soft now, kissed her stomach. "Maybe I just got..."

"What?" Chakotay drew back on the pillow to look at her.

Kathryn shook her head. "I was spending so much energy resisting you, resisting the way I felt. I worried so much that you'd divide my loyalties. That you'd distract me all the time." She smiled at him, stroking her fingers across his cheekbone and his mouth. "You're very distracting." She shushed him before he could protest. "But having you couldn't possibly be more distracting than fighting not to want you. It took me...a long time to accept that." She put her arms around his neck, pulling him close.

Chakotay kissed her, a sweet kiss that was in no hurry. Then he put his forehead against hers and sighed. "I didn't know if you'd ever..."

"I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

He put his hand to her lips. "No. No need. That's over now."

"Still. I was terrible to you."

His voice was very soft. "I can't. I can't be unhappy now. I can't remember how."

Tears in her eyes, wanting to laugh, a little of both, Kathryn hugged him back. "I know, my love. I know. Sleep. Computer, lights out. --We have time now. You'll be here in the morning."

Then she squinted at him doubtfully. "There I go, making assumptions again. You'll be here in the morning?" This time it was a question.

It was very dark but she could feel his smile. "I'll be here."

Part two

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