EPILOGUE: MORTAL COIL
by Jennifer Ferris
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Chakotay sat on the floor in his quarters, holding his river stone loosely in his hand, trying to find the tranquility to meditate. He'd been sitting here for almost two hours, willing relaxation, willing calm. It wasn't working.
He'd been thoughtless and foolish and had almost cost Neelix his life. Blind. Pigheaded. Neelix had thanked him a little while ago. Thanked him! It had taken all his willpower not to brush the gratitude away. But that would hurt Neelix even more. To act as if even his thanks had no meaning. So Chakotay had accepted the words. But he'd been unable to meet Neelix's eyes. Neelix, trusting, filled almost with awe for the commander he so respected, had not noticed Chakotay's reluctance.
He was right to be ashamed. He thought of the events in the shuttlecraft four days ago and color stained his cheeks. He'd been so damned set on bringing back the protomatter. Great energy source. Kathryn would be so pleased. Well, he'd brought back a dead Talaxian instead. His reactions hadn't been quick enough, he hadn't been paying attention enough, to prevent the accident. And even after...even after. When had he gotten so calloused? It wasn't that he didn't feel. Shock, and regret, and the pain of a life needlessly lost. Not just lost: thrown away. Neelix had been so eager to please, so happy to help, that he'd jumped at the chance of retrieving the protomatter. And been careless. And died. And he, first officer of the Voyager, he still tried to get the damned protomatter. For Kathryn. Pushing Tom's shock aside, pushing his own shock aside. Had to save something from this disaster.
Pride. Self-preservation. It wasn't very pretty today.
It was through no virtue of anybody on this ship that Seven had known a method of reviving Neelix, that she'd still carried the Borg nanoprobes in her bloodstream that could save the Talaxian. It was no one's virtue but Seven's that she, alone, had been stubborn enough to insist, even against the doctor's better judgment. The commanding officers on this ship had little to be proud of that day. Chakotay didn't except Kathryn this time. She'd been equally ready to look at Neelix with sadness, but with finality. Saying goodbye. They should both be ashamed.
No. No. Neelix had been dead. No brain activity. There was no bringing back, there was no returning... How could they have known? Death, the most democratic process in the universe, the greater leveler... There was no revival. Except that now, maybe, sometimes, there was. Why had they been so reluctant to accept Seven's words? Confusion and shame flooded through him. He knew the answer. He wasn't proud of it, but he recognized it. He didn't trust Seven. It wasn't even personal. As a person - if he could even be said to respond to her as a person - Seven was proving to be valorous, interesting, perhaps loyal. Perhaps.
But he wouldn't turn his back when she was in the room. Not quite. Not yet. Chakotay felt like a feral cat in a confined space with a dangerous canine. There was no trust. He tried not to show it, tried to be civil, but he never completely relaxed in her presence. Not really. Maybe never. It wasn't Seven's fault. She couldn't help her conditioning. But could she escape, undo, that conditioning? Chakotay had strong doubts. If he'd known about the nanoprobes, he'd have thought of them as a poison in her bloodstream. As he still sometimes thought of Seven as poison. It wasn't a matter of trusting her, or not trusting her. It was a matter of fear. He was afraid of her. Not of her duplicity; even in their short acquaintance, he could see she was no liar, no dissembler or distorter of truth.
But she was Borg. Had been Borg. Were the two statements any different? He didn't know. He had thought so. He had trusted Riley Fraser. The name was bitter in his mind. He didn't even blame her, really, because she was pursuing her own goals as they all were. But he...she had fooled him. They had fooled him. They had hidden their true thoughts from him effortlessly. He hadn't known he was still...infected. As Seven was infected.
As Neelix was infected, now. A chill ran down Chakotay's spine. He knew these people. He'd trust Neelix with his life. He knew Seven was not a liar. But the danger was real.
And the secret fear, that he could only now admit to himself, after this week of death and rebirth stirring his soul: the fear that he was still infected himself. That alien, malevolent nanoprobes raced through his bloodstream even now. He had been scanned, had run through every test the doctor could devise. The scans were all negative. Kathryn trusted him to be himself.
The fear flooded his mouth, nauseating him.
This isn't right, he thought. Why now? Why is it so strong now? He lifted his face to the starlight filtering through the viewport. Where is my peace? Where is my balance? Has this shame so undone me? What am I doing here, wallowing through past mistakes as if for penance? You learn from this, he told himself. That's the only useful thing you can do. You learn from this.
It didn't occur to him, how like Kathryn Janeway that thought was.
As if he had summoned her with his thoughts, the signal at his door chimed. Chakotay sighed, closing his eyes for a moment, not sure he was ready to talk. But of course he couldn't ignore her. "Come in, Kathryn."
The captain waited until the door closed behind her before she spoke. Her voice was tentative. "How did you know it was me?"
A slight twist of the lips, not really a smile. "Because...I would have come to you, tonight, if our positions were reversed. You've been to see Neelix, haven't you?"
"Yes. He was much less certain than the last time we spoke. He sounds very...confused."
"Good. That's good. I think you should fire your unofficial counselor, Captain." Chakotay was the ship's unofficial counselor.
"Do you? Why? You helped bring someone back today who we almost lost. Through a terrible-"
"Through a terrible...blindness? Incompetence? Choose your words carefully, Kathryn."
"Chakotay...you couldn't have known. Are you blaming yourself?"
Still sitting on the floor, he turned to look at her finally. "Yes. No. Both, maybe. Certainly I should have seen how uncertain Neelix was. How lost."
Carefully, the captain made her way into his room. She settled on the floor opposite Chakotay, his medicine bundle unwrapped between them. "Perhaps. So should I. "
He looked up at her, eyes glinting in the dim starlight. "Yes, you probably should."
She raised her chin at that. "I know. I'm not too happy with myself tonight either. But-look." She raised both her arms, looked at herself, and back at Chakotay. He tilted his head uncertainly, not understanding. She frowned. "No hairshirt."
He recoiled. "I'm not-"
"Maybe. Sitting here in the dark, feeling sorry for yourself, Commander? That doesn't seem like you."
That hit a little too close to home. "I was trying to meditate."
"And?"
"And...feeling sorry for myself, maybe. We're pretty selfish animals, aren't we."
"Pretty much. But we got lucky, at least."
"Yes. We got lucky. Thanks to Sam. Thanks to Naomi."
Kathryn leaned across the space between them, touching Chakotay's arm briefly. "That's what family's for, you know."
"I know."
"I tried to tell Neelix a little of that, tonight," she sighed. "I'm not sure if I was getting through to him."
"That's good too, then. I should have seen - no, it's true. He seemed so sure. I should have known he was lying, just trying to reassure us. I know better. I know what it's like to have your very beliefs shaken. Nothing is certain, then."
She stirred. "You think I don't know what it's like, to have everything shaken, to have your world turn to ashes..I know what that's like."
"Kathryn..."
"It's...part of life, I guess. Only someone who doesn't care, doesn't think, can be so certain all the time." She tilted her head, watching him. "Tell me something."
"If I can."
"This...this whole thing," Kathryn spoke slowly, as if she wasn't quite sure what she wanted to say, or what he needed to hear. "I watched you this evening. You seemed very...angry. Upset. I don't know."
Chakotay stood up abruptly. "Just, god, I don't know. Feeling my limitations. I failed Neelix. I presumed to try to help him and I almost killed him."
Kathryn unwound from the floor, following Chakotay to the viewport. "And you're not perfect, and you didn't see clearly enough. You're human. And you did help him. You are. Your talks with him will continue."
"Yes. For what that's worth."
"I don't know anyone else he could turn to, who could help him understand better."
Chakotay shook his head. "You put too much faith in me. I'm as uncertain as anyone."
"Maybe." Kathryn touched his face gently. "That's not all of it, though, is it. You're hurting tonight."
She was standing very near. Chakotay closed his eyes, wondering if he could confess his real fear to her. "I...Kathryn, are you ever afraid?"
"God. Of course I am. I'm surprised you could even wonder that."
He turned his head to look down at her, her face only inches away. "I'm talking deep down, hurts your guts, it's-"
"Chakotay, what is it?"
He whispered. "Fear for myself. Fear for you. For all of us."
"Why?"
"Seven..."
Kathryn recoiled slightly. "You can't mean that. She's shown us nothing but loyalty, well, ever since we found the Raven."
"No. I don't think she means us harm. But how can she know what might have been programmed into her? How can any of us know what might be inside of..." Let it go, he thought. "What might be inside each of us who has been touched by the Borg. Now it's Neelix. And me." He grasped Kathryn's arm firmly, too firmly, his strength bruising. Seeking her reassurance, or her strength. "I've had dreams..."
"Oh." Comprehension opened her eyes a little wider. "And what if there's something..." She touched his chest lightly. "Here?"
"I can't hurt you," he whispered. "I couldn't survive that. What if it's inside of me."
"Oh-" she said again, fighting not to use sweet words to soothe him, not to use the endearments she had thought so many times. How could she build false hopes in him, when she couldn't fulfill them? "I know," she said quietly. "I know."
His eyes flashed. "You're not surprised. This has occurred to you too."
"Yes," Kathryn whispered. "Sometimes. But how can any of us be sure? It's happened to me, too. After that alien showed me my death. The matrix... And I'm the captain. If I can't even trust myself....I have to trust myself. As I trust you."
He laughed mirthlessly. "Because you have to. Somehow that's not very reassuring."
"I know." She watched him soberly. "But that's all we have."
"Like Neelix's faith."
"We do what we can. Or what we have to."
He shivered, suddenly cold. The only warmth in the room was standing next to him, but forbidden. Forbidden to him. He wanted only to reach out.
Somehow she sensed it. She sighed, a spasm crossing her face. She was suddenly very tired. It was so hard to balance what she wanted, against what she thought she should not allow herself. Chakotay offered her more strength than he knew. "All we have is each other...is our family," she added hastily. "It has to be enough."
"It's not," he whispered. Then he shook his head. Don't push. Don't make it worse for her. "That's what Neelix said. It wasn't enough."
I can't give you what you need, she thought. I can't give me what I need. "Can't we help each other, anyway?"
She hadn't realized she'd spoken aloud. He shrugged, a tiny, helpless gesture. "That's all we have, then. Our people. Our family. Each other."
He was holding himself so carefully, controlling. Kathryn nodded. "It has to be enough."
"Maybe." Chakotay stared down at her. "Maybe."
"For now?" Fool, she cursed at herself. How cruel, to give him hope, when you can't-
Chakotay brushed the hair back from her face. "For now. Kathryn..."
"I don't know. I don't know anymore."
A faint smile touched his eyes. "I'm making it worse, aren't I. I don't mean to."
"You don't. Don't think that." Kathryn shook her head slightly, letting herself lean against him for just a moment. "I'm just...tired."
"I know." Carefully, letting her see that he didn't expect anything, he pulled her against him. She leaned against Chakotay's shoulder, and he draped an arm around her protectively. "Rest a moment. Just for a moment."
"I can't let myself...even if I--" she stopped, biting off the words that threatened to escape.
He shook his head. "Just rest. That's all."
They stood by the viewport, holding one another tentatively, carefully, knowing this moment was only a respite. But Chakotay's heart quickened, hope lifting him from the pool of fear and dread that had overtaken him. If only she knew. If only.
Kathryn tilted her head a bit, watching the starfield past the angle of Chakotay's jaw. "Do you remember Tuvok's words? On the first night of Prixen. From the ceremony."
He smiled slightly. "I remember many words. Which do you mean?"
"We do not stand alone," she recited. "We stand in the arms of family. We do not stand alone."
Without thinking, he kissed her forehead and drew her more tightly to him. For just this moment.
For now, she had said. It would have to be enough.
FINIS
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