Contributed by Javier Gomez
A spokesman for the Jeddak stated "We feel that the Jeddak will be vindicated by the findings of this investigation." Earlier today, Carthoris, the prince of Helium, who is heading up the independent investigation, stated off-the-record that "Early indications show that there is no danger to free trade in the lumber industry, on the contrary anyone, who is on good terms with the Jeddak, is allowed lease some of the forest for a small fee."
Contributed by Javier Gomez
"It's not like you can't see the damn thing," rancher Dun-Bint said.. "Pink and fuzzy, long ears, that horrible racket. I've whacked it a few times with my long sword but it keeps on going and going and going..."
Dun-Bint isn't the only rancher who has had problems. New comer I-Pized from U-Gor said, "It took out my pipe connection to the underground canal. It never slowed down."
A usually reliable governmental source, who chose to remain anonymous, revealed the Warlord's office is aware moss blight may, in fact, be of Jasoomian origin.
See related: Ras Thavas offers services
Contributed by Tangor
Kantos Kan, Jedwar of the Heliumatic Navy speaking on behalf of a calot attack victim's estate, said at the signing "If John Carter had not made it fashionable to have calots for pets none of this might have happened. Calots are green martian pets. They have no business in red martian households."
When this The Blade reporter questioned the Jedwar's involvement with pit banth breeding and his recent loss of revenue to the burgeoning of illegal neighborhood calot fights, he declined to answer.
See: Warlord's vice squad bites animal fights
Contributed by Tangor
"Other than a few thousand tons of meat exports, sith hunting and mercenary training all Koal has is skeel and sompas woods," Kulan Tith told The Blade."To force shut downs to protect 'dwindling environmental resources' is preposterous. One might suggest the Gatholing mines cease operation because esite dust is killing the moss."
Carter's EPA administrator abruptly terminated an interview asking why Kaol had been singled out for forest preservation while lumber mills operate unchecked in Invak.
Contributed by Tangor
The show in question was the vanguard of a series of Barsoomian efforts that have been copied from the highly successful Jasoomian gameshow industry.
However, plans turned sour when two contestants argued over who actually hit the buzzer first. The ensuing battle between the two families left three dead, four injured and two women kidnapped.
The show's spokesman stated that the popular "Barsoomian Gladiators" will be used to fill this time slot while Feud's future is being reviewed.
Contributed by Javier Gomez
Investors have reported huge losses after they bought large quantities of the Elmo doll, expecting similar success to that experienced by Jasoomian distributors.
Company representatives are unable to explain the utter failure of this toy toy that gets a silly grin on his face and giggles when you tickle it.
"They should have test-marketed it first," said one 10-year-old boy. "I wouldn't be caught dead with an action figure that giggles. If they called it 'Stab-Me Elmo,' it might have sold."
The 'Ochre-Moss Patch Kids' sold poorly a few years ago, industry analysts point out.
"Jasoomian toys don't sell on Barsoom," said one observer.
Contributed by Flem "Dotar Sojat" Chapman
Rapas, previously thought to be the ugliest man on the planet, was overjoyed to land one of Barsoom's deathless beauties.
"Beauty is only skin deep," Sanoma Tora said. "It's the deep pockets of Rapas that I'm interested in. He's very rich from all those years working as one of the top agents of the Assassins Guild."
Told that Rapas is broke, the blushing bride yanked out the ulsio's whiskers.
Contributed by Flem
"It's called `The Macarena,' " John Carter told social reporters gathered for a fashion show at his Helium palace. "I think everyone should be pleased with the change."
Sources say, however, that Carter's own princess has been having trouble learning the new dance. Dejah Thoris is reportedly in a state of near-panic as the date for the annual "Atmosphere Festival" approaches.
"Earth people are insane," sources say the princess told her dance instructor.
According to reports from the Jeddak's Guard, Ghek snuck into the palace of Kantos Kan and exchanged places with the roast thoat dinner that was to be served last night.
Kantos Kan himself removed the lid from the tray, and promptly fainted when the kaldane announced: "I'm a bit underdone."
The good doctor will become Barsoom's only plastic surgeon. He predicts a brisk business among the vain royal bluebloods of Barsoom.
"You can't shake a stick without hitting a nobleman or woman on this planet," Vad Varo said. "And they can't all be incomparably beautiful."
"We've applied for BEPA grants to buy noseplugs" the prince said. "It stinks in there."