When Gridley began broadcasting Jasoomian commercial radio to Barsoomian listeners, however, we became concerned. "Rock and Roll" corrupted our youth. Instead of strapping longswords to their hips, rebellious youngsters gyrated them obscenely. Instead of marching off to war to the glorious hymns of their various homelands, the music of Bob Dylan drove them to protest war!

And then, the most insidious assault of all invaded Barsoom's airwaves: A thing called "television."

Now, we endure re-runs of "The Love Boat," and "The Jeffersons." Glassy-eyed children argue with their stupified parents over who controls the remote. The sleeping silks and furs go without afternoon airing, because it would interfere with our princesses' soaps.

John Wayne war movies are the only thing on "TV" that are worth watching. But that's not enough.

It has to stop! BAN THE GRIDLEY WAVE! Before it's too late.