mmmMMMMMOOOOO!!!
Cows are kewl. Be nice to them, cuz one day they'll be raising us in herds and slaughtering us for worldwide food chains. ^(OO)^
As much as cows rule, this is NOT a veggie page. The best fun is showing a veggie a hamburger and lifting the bun to make the burger "moo".
Click to hear this fine cow moo
Some of the biggest conspiracies out there...Area 51...
...Roswell....
...Watergate...
....they got nothin' on
the co-conspiracy of cows and the fish-people!!
><>..ooOO ^(OO)^-mmmoooo
...beware, they know you, where you live, when you sleep...they're just waiting for the right moment to make their moooove....
If you ever find yourself in a pasture somewhere in the plaines states, here's a few easy-to-use phrases that will get you safely through the experience.
Where is the bathroom? - - Moo.
How are you today? - - Moo.
Which way to the hotel? - - Moo.
Got Milk? - - Moo.
Illustrated by Bobby Dragulescu
Once upon a time there were three farmers, one grew fruits and vegetables, and the other two raised cattle. But this isn't really about them. It's about the cows. Cows don't just graze mindlessly all day. They tell each other stories of when cows were more than just leather apparel and fast food, and they tell of how one day the Great Cow would come and cows all over the world would take their rightful places in the world.
One day, to the complete amazement of the farmers, an orange on one of the trees began to swell to immense preportions...it grew as big as a house! It was so heavy that it broke off of the tree and started rolling toward the pasture. "Oh no! The cows!" the farmers shrieked as they ran after the fruit. But to their shock again, the orange rolled into the pasture and stopped directly in front of the herd.
Whispered moo's were passed around the herd. What was this, they wondered. Was this the sign of the Great Cow that they had been waiting for? As if in response to their wondering moo's, the orange cracked open, revealing a light so bright that the cows had to turn away. When they looked again, a giant golden cow stood before them.
The farmers stood at the edge of the pasture, jaws on the ground.
The golden cow spoke to the herd telepathically. "This is a great day for cows everywhere," they all heard in their heads. "No longer will you be bored all day grazing on grass! No longer will you be slaughtered for human consumption! No longer will your hides be made into boots! The time has come for cows to be liberated!!" And a great cheer of MOOOOO!'s rang out among the herd. The cows began pushing the giant orange out of the pasture and onto the road.
The farmers watched this all, dumbfounded. They were so astonished by what they saw that they didn't think to move out of the herd's way, and were squished flat as pancakes by the rolling fruit.
The cows rolled the orange down the road, recruiting other herds as they went along. Finally they reached a hill and rolled the magic vessel to the top. The Great Cow stood before all the cows and said, "Cows were meant for greater things! Now take your rightful places, and do so justly and fairly!." A light appeared in the sky above the hill...it was a giant spaceship! The spaceship emitted a soft green beam over the entire planet, and cows everywhere were freed from their mundane existence. 
The Great Cow said a final farewell, and the orange split again and he climbed in, sealing it behind him. Then the giant orange and the spaceship were gone, and cows ruled the world. The world became a peaceful place, with no hamburgers, and all-cotten clothing.
There are three morals to this story:
-it's okay to eat meat, because one day they'll raise us for food...
-be nice to cows, because one day they may spare you from being food...
-don't be a stupid farmer, move out of the way of giant fruit rolling toward you...
Jake: What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor...he sed "where's my tractor?" *laff*
Tori: The general consensus was that the joke wasn't funny.
Jake: Was too! *spastic shaking of fist*
Tori: No it wasn't! *attacks tractor with giant golden cow*
Jake: Tractor runs freaken cow over, makes hamburger *Mooooo!!!* (that was a little violent but that cow deserved it, he went after the tractor)
Tori: *cow comes back to life with an army of lost socks and posesses the tractor so it runs over small children like that christine car*
Jake: Preist does exorcism on tractor, tractor goes after cow, cow gets in spaceship, and U.S. government blasts it out of the sky and calls it a weather-balloon. Your move.
Tori: Cow gets reincarnated as Elvis, goes around the South gathering loyal followers, gets elected president and declares a national holiday, Anti-Tractor Day, in which citizens hunt down tractors for spare parts...your turn =)
Jake: Tractor runs away from cows, and hooks up with some of his buddies up at the triple A yard, and forms the F.N.T.A. (First National Tractor Army) and go cow hunting. Your move.
Tori: Tractors can't run away from loyal Elvis fans, they're everywhere...=)
Jake: You know, the fact that your cows and Elvis fans just kicked my tractor's asses doesn't mean that the joke wasn't funny, all it means is that we should be more afraid of cows than tractors for the main reason that a tractor can run out of gas, but a cow has 4 stomachs... *haha* Ok, well I have to try...ummmm... ok, I've got it, big old John Doe Spaceship comes down, saves the tractors, and calls for a cookout! "Woohoooooooo! Top that one!" Your move.
Tori: cows mind meld with cockroaches before being butchered, then i bring potato salad to the cookout....while unsuspected the cockroaches spread the cow knowledge through the walls of every city, carefully planning their next move....*heheh*
Jake: Tractor hears about a disturbance with cockroaches, and calls an exterminator. *muahahahahahahaaaa*
Tori: Exterminators have a mild heart attack becuz they ate too much junk at the cookout and are in the hospital before getting rid of the roaches, a few surviving cockroaches now devise a new strategy....mass hypnosis!!...*heheh*
Jake: How the hell does a roach do hypnosis?!?!?!
Tori: They take over all the major television and cable stations and plant subliminal messages in the programming...*haha*...
Jake: Tractors are mechanical so they don't get hypnotized and they go around mowing all the T.V.s in the world. *evil laughter* your move.
Tori: wait, are these tractors moving on their own or are there people sitting there driving them??...
Jake: Good question...I really hadn't thought of that. I guess they are going by themselves. I guess if you can have a big golden cow/god I can have driverless tractors.(the tractor of the future)
Tori: oh.....darnit, i can't think of anything....i guess you win =) *applause*.....
Jake: Damn good thing too, I was fresh out of ideas too. Let's call it a draw shall we?
Tori: Agreed. =)
Last night, I had a dream. I found myself in a desert called...Cyberland. It was hot. My canteen had sprung a leak and I was..thirsty. Out of the abyss walked a cow...Elsie. I asked if she had anything to drink, she said, "I'm forbidden to produce milk, in Cyberland we only drink (dink) Diet Coke." She said, "Only thing to do is jump over the moon.
"They've closed everything real down, like barns and troughs and...Performance Spaces...and replaced it all with lies and rules and (dink) Virtual Life. But there is a way out..." (Leap of faith, leap of faith. Leap of faith, leap of faith) "Only thing to do is jump over the moon."
I gotta get out of here! It's like I'm being tied to the hood of a yellow rental truck, being packed in with fertilizer and fuel oil, pushed over a cliff by a suicidal Mickey Mouse! I got to (got to) got to (got to) got to (got to) got to (got to) got to (got to) find a way...to jump over the moon...only thing to do is jump over the moon.
Then, a little bulldog entered. His name, we have learned, was Benny. And although he once had principles he abandoned them to live as a lapdog to a wealthy daughter of the revolution. "That's bull," he said. "Ever since the cat took up the fiddle that cow's been...jumpy. The dish and the spoon were evicted from the table and eloped. She's had trouble with that milk and the moon ever since, maybe it's a...female thing. Cuz who'd want to leave Cyberland anyway? Walls ain't so bad. The dish and the spoon for instance...they're down on their luck, they come knockin' on my doghouse door and i said 'Not in my backyard utensils! Go back to China!' (bee-dee-baw)
"The only way out is up!" Elsie whispered to me. "A Leap of faith...still thirsty?" Parched. "Have some milk." And I lowered myself beneath her...and held my mouth to her swollen udder, and sucked the sweetest milk I have ever tasted. (ssllllluuuuurrrrpp!) "Climb on board" she said. And as a harvest moon rose over Cyberland, we reared back, we sprang into a gallop, leaping out of orbit, I awoke singing! (Leap of faith, leap of faith. Leap of faith, leap of faith) Only thing to do....Only thing to do is jump...Only thing to do is jump over the moon....Only thing to do is jump over the moon...over the moon...over the...mmmmMMMOOOOOOOO!!!!!
(the audience is encouraged to moo with her)
seeing it written does no justice to this piece...go find a copy and listen to it...here's a little bit of it, it's a minute long, and don't forget to Moo!! ^(OO)^ (no copyright infringement intended, used in total admiration)
All Hail Satan Cow!!!
Ain't he kute?? ^_^ ^(OO)^
Cow.net, thanks for the pics!
