Jokes

Last updated 10-06-97

* A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very smal boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's effort for some time, the priest moves closer to the boys position. He steps smartly across street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run like Hell!"

* An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in. The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first." The old woman says, "Oh no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs." The doctor says, "No, physically he is OK, but I'm worried about him mentally." The old woman questions, "Whatever do you mean?" The doctor says, "Well I asked your husband how he was feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he shut the door and God would turn the light out for him." The old woman responded, "Son of a gun, he's peeing in the fridge again!"

* An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response. He moved right behind her and said, "Honey can you hear me?" She replied, :For the third time, YES!"

* One day a mailman was greeted by a boy and a HUGE dog. The mailman asks the boy, "Does your dog bite." To which the boy responded, "No." Just then the dog ran up and bit the mailman. The mailman yelled, I thought your dog doesn't bite!" "He doesn't," replyed the boy, "that's not my dog!"

* Two friends rented a boat and went fishing every morning. One morning they caught 30 fish. One said to the other, "mark this spot so that we can come here tomorrow." The next day when they were drivingto the boat rental dock, the same man asked, "Did you mark that spot?" His friend replyed, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat." The first one said, "You fool! What if we don't get the same boat today!?!?"

* After a long day on the course, the exasperated golfer turned to his caddie and said, "You must be the worst caddie in the world." "No, I don't think so," said the caddie. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

*God, Jesus, and John the Baptist are playing golf up in heaven. On the first tee, John leads off and hits a big blast right down the gut. It rolls to a stop about 270 yards out, perfect lie. Jesus steps up next and kills the ball, sending it 300 yards straight away, perfect lie. God steps up and badly hits the ball into the trees. As it flies in, a huge oak is struck by lightning and splits, one half falling into the path of the oncoming ball and knocking it into the fairway. As it comes to a rest a bare 50 yards out, a squirrel darts out of the woods on the other side and grabs the ball and takes off towards the left side woods. Before he gets in, an eagle swoops down and grabs the squirrel, carrying it aloft down the fairway. Just as it passes over the green, the eagle is pelted by hailstones, whereupon it drops the squirrel(still clutching the ball) onto the green about 3 feet from the hole. Dazed, the squirrel drops the ball where it rolls it rolls up and stops on the lip of the cup. Suddenly there is an earthquake! The ball drops in...hole in one! Jesus stares a John the Baptist with a pissed look, then turns to God and says, "Dad? We gonna play golf, or are you just gona screw around?"

* A contractor is doing a new home walk through with the new homeowner who is selecting the color scheme of the paint. "I want the den sky blue." the owner says. "No problem," replys the contractor, who then proceeds to the window and yells out, "Green side up." Puzzled, but not to the point of asking, they proceed into the next room where the owner says, "I want this room a deep, earthly brown." "Sure thing," says the contractor who again goes to the window and yells out "Green side up." Now, the owner is getting frustrated, but still says nothing. Throughout the remaining rooms, the owner picks the color then the contractor goes to the window each time and yells out, "Green side up." Finally the owner has had enough and after the final room, says "I don't think you're taking me seriously. Whatever color I choose you yell out Green side Up." "Aw, don't worry about it lady," the contractor says. "It has nothing to do with you, I have a couple of blondes laying sod in the yard across the street."

* A man calls into a technical support center for his computer to complain about a product defect. When ask what the problem was the man explains that the cup holder has fallen off of his computer. The repair man asks, "A cup holder?? Was this some sort of special promotion??? I don't believe any of our computers come with a cup holder." The customer replys, "Well mine did, it came from the store that way and now it's broke and I want it fixed." Trying to assertain the refered to part the tech. asks, "Is there any marking on the part that might specify a serial number." The man replys, "No, but it says 4x on the front of it."

* One day a little boy was late for Sunday School and the pastor detained him and asked him the reason for his tardiness. The little boy shuffled his feet and then blurted out, "I started out to go fishing instead but, my father wouldn't let me." The pastor beamed broadly, "You have a very wise father,"he said, " and did he explain to you the reason why?" The little boy nodded, "Oh, yes sir, he said there wasn't enough bait for the two of us."

* Definition of an ANGLER----An Obsessed individual who owns a house that is falling down do to neglect, a truck whose color can best be desribed as Rust-Oleum, and a pristine boat that he chamois' down methodically before and after each trip.

* Two guys are sitting on a fishing dock one afternoon, when a boat pulls up and a man walks up the ramp, carrying 3 fish. Hearing that his fishing buddy had a knack for knowing what was used to catch fish without asking, the man decides to test him. "What did he use to catch those fish?" he asks. The other man replys, "Well, the little one was caught on a worm, the bigger one on a spinner bait, and the biggest one was on a crawdad." After confirming this with the fisherman, the man passes this of as luck. A short while later another fisherman walks by carrying 2 fish. The man again decides to test his friend, and asks, "So, how did he catch those 2?" His friend replys, "The little one was on a crankbait, and the big one was on a nightcrawler." The man again confirm that his friend was right. Just then a speed boat zooms by, with a beautiful blonde riding on the back. Sarcastically, the man asks, "So tell me smarty, how did he catch her?" His friend replys,"A cadilac, a big house, and a $100,000.00 a year job." Flabergastered, the man says, "Now how would you know that???" The man replys,"She my ex-wife."

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One Liners

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Redneck Jokes

REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
Bar Code - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick
Byte - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
Cache - Needed when you run out of food stamps
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers
Diskette - Female Disco dancer
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers
Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live
Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

The above list was submitted by my Unlce Lee, for more like this see the Medical Terms list below

You Might be a Redneck If...

You bring your dog with you to church.

You break wind in public and blame it on your kid.

You vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.

You've ever paid for a 6-pack of beer, with pennies.

You have a Bud Light pool table light hanging over your dining room table.

You ask the preacher,"How's it hangin?"

You go to a stock car race, and don't need a program.

You have a bumper sticker that reads,"My mother's an honor student" at the local junior high school.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You've ever Barbecued Spam on the grill.

There are more than 5 fast food bags on the floor of your car.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."

Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

Three quarters of the clothes you own, have logos on them.

You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinken when it get light.

Taking your wife on a cruise, means circling the Dairy Queen.

You think the last four word to the "Start Spangled Banner", are Gentlemen start your engines.

You bring your dog to work with you.

You don't have a home phone.

IF YOU MEMORIZE REDNECK JOKES, SO YOU CAN BE THE LIFE OF THE PARTY.

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Misc. Jokes

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This list was submitted by my friends Dan and Colleen Marran
THE FACTS OF LIFE

1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
5. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
6. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
7. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. !!!
8. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
9. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
10. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
11. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
12. Sky's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
13. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
14. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
15. Poker rules supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.
16. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
17. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film.
18. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
19. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
20. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.!!!!
21. He's not dead, He's electro encephalagraphically challenged.
22. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
23. You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
24. I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
25. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
26. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
27. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
28. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
29. Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
30. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
31. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
32. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
33. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
34. Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.

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How to Determine if Technology has Taken Over Your Life:

You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house--only computers with laser printers.

You think of the gadgets in your home as your "friends" but you can't remember your Dad's birthday.

When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on the salesperson talking to a customer and you butt in to correct him, and spend the next 20 minutes answering the customers questions while the salesperson sits there nodding.

You use the phrase "Digital Compression" in a converstaion without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

You constantly find yourself in conversations with groups of people to whom you say the phrase "Digital Compression" Everyone understands what you mean, and you aren't disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

You know Bill Gate's Email address, but you have to look up your Social Security Number.

You sign your Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

Off the top of your head you can think of 19 keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

The only people that recieve Christmas, birthday or anniversary cards from you are people that have computers. As you've started send out only Virtual Cards for special occasions.

You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

You go to a computer trade show and before begining map out your whole path through the exhibition hall, but you can't give directions to your home, without looking up the street names.

You would rather get more dots per inch, than miles per gallon.

The thought that CD could refer to finance or music rarely crosses your mind.

You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.

You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

You rotate your screen savers more often than you rotate your automobile tires.

You email these jokes to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them over the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

You understand all the above jokes. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

Top Ten things that sound dirty at the office but aren't
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have tolick one more, I'll GAG!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMM...I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number ONE thing that sounds dirty at the office but isn't:
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!

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