Now, as we leave the unnaturally short month of February, we look ahead to the month of March. The month of March is known for very few things, at least one of them being St Patrick's day. This is a day to celebrate some guy named Patrick who led all the snakes out of Ireland (although some historians believe that he was slightly intoxicated and, instead, led all of the dental assistants in the country into a big lake). Instead of the obvious things to do in March (i.e. go to an irish pub and get so drunk you think there are snakes in Ireland), we get the wonderful privelage of sampling delightful new taste treats that (for some reason) are all green. I'm not saying that I dislike the color green, I'm just saying that green eggs and ham (and stew and beer and bread and pumpkinloaf and noodles and potatoes and. . . What?. . . Oh. . .the "bureau of keeping articles to a reasonable length so as to not bore readers into reading something else" tells me I have to cut it down unless I like my left leg connected to my lower body) aren't exactly what I'd consider something I'd like to see more than once a year.

The next thing that March is known for (at least once in a while) is the holiday of Easter. The most unusual thing about this holiday is the fact that it has absolutely nothing to do with linear time. The holiday itself seems to appear once a year (between the end of March and the beginning of April) at the will of some mentally disturbed little bunny that, as you will probably know (unless you haven't been watching T.V for the past decade), thinks he's a chicken. Since no-one's ever told the little guy that bunnies can't lay eggs, he lays those Cadbury tm eggs all over the place. The only other factor that influences when Easter occurs is the moon, which also has much to do with St.Patrick's day.

This year as St. Patrick's day approaches (as do all linear things except easter), I went for a relaxing and healthy walk to buy a new car. My last car was bought at the mental institute and has taken me on many trips nowhere. Well, as I entered central park (narrowly avoiding two crazy guys in a taxi (a la "Die Hard With a Vengance")), I saw a jogger jog past a bush, where a midget with a gall bladder dysfunction (he was green to you uneducated people) jump out of a bush onto the jogger's shoulders and start hitting him in the head with a copper pot. After about 4 or 5 hits, the jogger went down and the green guy took his wallet and ran off. Now, this is quite normal to see pickpockets in central park, but it is very abnormal to see anyone hide in poison ivy (which was why we found the green guy writhing on the ground scratching the first layer of skin off of his body). When I picked him up, I asked him what he was doing and before I could finish my sentence, he offered to grant me a wish. He suggested a pot of money, but I eventually talked him out of a "tickle-me Elmo", a chia pet, and 10¢ per minute on my long distance phone bill (no restrictions, no games). He then told me to close my eyes and count to 10. After about 5, I peeked and saw him running away, and at 10, he had disappeared.

"Now", you all may ask, "What does this have to do with the moon?"
Well, think about it for a minute. Little green men, moon, little green men, moon, yes! Little green men from the moon are invading Earth and using the month of March to do it in! If we let this continue, soon they'll start taking over and forcing us do to their evil moon-guy things like eating green food all the time (I'm sure that is what they would do). We have to act fast and find that little bunny and tie him up so he can't call upon Easter to come and inadvertently allow the moon-guys enough time to further tighten their grip on the major governments of the world. Then, since Easter will come late, the martians will be easily detected because people will know there isn't another holiday for a couple of months yet. Then, when we see little green men, we can attack them and keep them from laying their dirty little green hands on our planet (aren't you glad there is a news source like The SPU to think up these great plans to save the world?).

We all have to act fast, though, before Easter comes again. The fact that the Easter decorations go up at Wal-Mart on the 25th of March (day after St. Patrick's day) doesn't help a lot. We'll need to get ourselves ready for the onslaught of moon ships that will surely be coming to try to secretly enslave the population. We will also have to find that little bunny and stuff a sock in his mouth (or at least get him some psychological help) to keep Easter away. If you all follow these guidelines, I'm sure that Earth will be alien free until the guys from "Independence Day" come to Earth (luckily, we can make Will Smith handle those). Until next time, this is agent 00-1 saying, keep your eyes open, Mars may be next in line to try to take us over.