So, as this is the first SPU article in a while to come out within two weeks of the beginning of the month, I had better tell you about all the wonderful happenings in July. The first happening is Canada Day. This holiday is on July 1st and provides a great opportunity to learn about this great and wonderful country of ours. More importantly than that, though, is that it provides an opportunity to pile 11 people in a large, distinctively coloured van and wait to see inept people shoot fireworks off. Surprisingly, most of the fireworks actually did get to the air. Only a few didn't shoot, thereby giving us the opportunity to watch the workers scramble for cover, before the fireworks blew their faces off*. Most importantly, it is a holiday, so that means no businesses are open and we don't have to work.

Apparently there is also something important with July 4th, but we'll just skip it.

Also, this month (unlike last month), the article is most of the editorial in length and follows the title.

Well, as we've all heard in the past few days, the Pathfinder mission to Mars has landed on the surface of our neighbour planet. What this mission hopes to discover are if the claims of life on mars are true. At least those are the claims that NASA wants you to believe. The biggest part of the mission will be spent drag-racing with Martian robots until the Russians send a probe to Mars.

The terrible truth of the matter is that the U.S. government has been hiding their agenda for years. The alien spacecraft that crashed outside of Roswell, New Mexico was actually a ship from the "Martian 500" run off course. It turns out that the U.S. government has actually used the planet Earth as collateral in their bet against the aliens. What bet? The one that JFK happened to make when he contacted the aliens found in the ship, of course. Here is an excerpt from that interview:

It was roughly 5 years after that JFK learned what a light year was, and that there was no pavement (and therefore no race track) on Mars. Upon learning this, he attempted to change the bet with the Martians. The Martians then hired Lee Harvey Oswald to kill him, thereby stopping him from succeeding. Unfortunately for the Martians, JFK left a part in his will that allowed NASA to deal the terms of the race with the Martians. NASA, not wanting to deal with the Martians ("What do you think we're here for? Space Exploration?" (this was when NASA stood for National Association of Scenery Appreciation)), left the job to the Mental Institute.

So there you have it. The fate of the world is entrusted to the few, the proud, the insane. Yes, the Mental Institute has the big job of protecting our world. At a recent press conference, the representatives from the Mental and Alien teams were quizzed. (Coincidentally, only The SPU attended this conference. This just goes to show how dedicated we are. The fact that this conference was held in the donut shop, and we wanted donuts, has nothing to do with it.) We will give you bits and pieces of this interview:

Now, we'll give you bits and pieces of the interview that actually relate to each other and can be used to tell what is going on:

Well, as we now should be fully aware of, the fate of the Earth depends on the outcome of this race. The good part of the situation is that Mr. Jenkins and the team at the Race Division of the Mental Institute have talked the Martians out of 500 light years and into 500 kilometres, thus allowing us a chance of actually winning the race. All that we have to worry about now, is if NASA built Pathfinder to move fast enough. So, until next month, keep your fingers crossed and hope for the best, but don't be surprised if a little green man in a loud shirt comes to your door and demands you play golf with him. Later!

*Some of the events depicted in this article actually happened in real life. We apologize for this fact.