Unless you have been in cryo-stasis for the past few weeks, you'll probably notice that it is January. As well, you will have also probably noticed that the article for this month is a bit late. There is a very good reason for this. Okay, maybe it isn't a great reason, but once I've explained it, it might sound a bit better.
If you have been watching and Canadian news lately, you will no doubt be aware of the large ice storms that have hit Ontario and Quebec. Well, when The SPU staff heard about them, we decided that that would be the ideal article for January, as it stands in direct contrast to the last article about having no snow. We immediately set out to cover this natural disaster first hand. After a few hours of driving across the snow-covered fields of Manitoba, we decided we should have flown. Soon, however, we reached Ontario, and decided that it wouldn't be too bad. If you ever drive across Ontario, you'll soon decide it would have been a better idea to fly. A long, boring journey later (roadkill bingo grew old very early into the trip, as did the usual "slow down to 10km/h and weave from side to side when there's a person following you"), we arrived in Ottawa. Upon entering Ottawa, we noticed one major difference between the area and the rest of Canada, namely small pieces of ice falling with speeds sufficient to kill. It was unanimously decided that the umbrellas we had brought would be useless. Once the storm had cleared somewhat, we also noticed that all the power was off in the city. Driving down the streets, we marveled at the fact that the only people outside at the time were a few hydro workers, the occasional Army personnel, and a guy on a skateboard carrying an electrical generator. Our keen journalistic minds instantly told us to interview the hydro workers, as they would have the most interesting stories. Unfortunately, they were rather busy and the only comments that we could get out of them were something about "crazy people stealing power generators" and "they're probably taking the power station without us there to guard it". Eventually, we were able to talk to the head of the cleanup, Mr. Jenkins.
SPU: Can you tell us anything about these power outages that are
happening all over the city?
Mr. J: Well, the media has been blaming it on fallen power lines, but
we at the power company suspect something far worse.
SPU: Faulty generators? Frozen lakes?
Mr. J: Actually, those are pretty good ideas, but we've uncovered
something far more sinister.
SPU: What is it?
Mr. J: We're suspecting that a group of individuals has been stealing
power generators for re-sale on the black market. The power lines were
just a diversion to keep us from staying at the power plants to guard
the equipment.
SPU: That's pretty evil. What kind of generators have they been stealing?
Mr. J: They've been stealing just about everything they can get
their hands on. We've only seen one guy, but if he's any indication of
how well the ring is doing, they're doing thriving business.
SPU: What does this guy look like?
Mr. J: Well, all we're definitely sure of is that he rides a skateboard
and is always seen with a power source or some kind or another.
SPU: Anything else?
Mr. J: Well, a few days ago there was a break in at a nuclear station
and some plutonium was stolen. We suspect that a few of them glow. We
are sure of this because we saw it on T.V. once.
SPU: Glow?
Mr. J: Yes. That's apparently some sort of side effect from handling
plutonium for extended periods of time.
In the background, Agent 000 noticed that a few of the workers were starting
to get restless and doing donuts in the power company truck. He
told us, just in case it was serious, or if someone wanted to join in the
fun.
SPU: Well, it appears that your workers are starting to drive somewhat recklessly
and are forgetting to work.
At that moment, the truck careened through a wall of a shelter.
Mr. J: Yes, I'd better go and stop them again.
SPU: Thank you for your time.
Mr. J: You're welcome.
So, as Mr. Jenkins went to discipline his workers, we decided to try and find a member of this "power stealing gang" that he talked about. Our first stop was a "7-11" for some coffee (it was cold), and then we began hunting down a member of this gang who could tell us something about these "power outages". We caught up to one of them as he was tying a turbine from a hydro station to a few skateboards. As Mr. Jenkins thought, he was glowing bright green.
SPU: Excuse us, could you tell us anything about the missing power
generators?
Man: They'll never catch me! Soon, I will have ALL THE POWER!!!!!
SPU: And who is helping you?
Man: Help? I have no help! I am ALL POWERFUL!!!!!!
SPU: It's just you behind this? Why?
Man: They laughed at me when the tree cut the power lines
going into my house! They laughed at me when I lost my job at the power
company! I'll show them!!!!!
SPU: What are you planning to do with the generators?
Man: I'm going to build a giant signal flare and contact the aliens!
They will make me their leader and I will rule the world!!!
At that moment, he grabbed a generator, jumped onto the turbine and took off down the hill. A few seconds later, he hit a patch of ice on the road and skidded into a parked tanker truck full of hydrogen. The generator came to life and ignited the hydrogen, creating a huge fireball that melted all the snow for 50 metres around. He got up and staggered to his skateboard. This was surprising, but we attributed his survival to the radiation. Soon, he was out of sight.
We decided that the story was just about covered, so we headed back to the SPU Building. Just as we were leaving the dark city, we happened to notice a bright beam of light come from one of the houses. Soon, a giant flying saucer came and hovered above the house. We assumed that it was there to pick him up to take him to work in their uranium mines, but we couldn't be sure. We would have liked to investigate, but it was getting late, so we headed home.