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The Grass is always greener...
"Some men are born great,
Some achieve greatness, and
Some have greatness thrust upon them."--Twelfth Night, Act 2, Scene 5
William Shakespeare
The distant conversation was wafted through the forest by the warm summer breeze.
"...Where do you think we..."
"...A forest, probably..."
"...Can see that. I meant, which..."
"Not one of the major worlds," replied Nope. He paused in the clearing and looked around. "Looks European to me. Odd that there are so few people around."
Vesper experimentally shook an overhanging tree branch. "Maybe there are brigands in the forest," she suggested.
"Yeah, right," said Nope. "They'll probably jump out any second now."
A voice called from the trees: "What a grand idea!"
Nope heaved a sigh and rolled his eyes toward the heavens. "Of course it is," he said flatly.
A green-clad man bounded from one of the larger oak trees that skirted the woodland trail. He bowed pleasantly to his audience. Fazed, Vesper allowed him to bend down on one knee and kiss her hand as genteelly as the finest courtier might.
"How kind of you to fall into our trap, dear sir and milady. Now, if you don't mind, please relieve yourself of your valuables and you may be directly on your way. Honestly, mind. This is in the name of poverty and injustice, after all. And we shouldn't want to...compromise you." He winked good-naturedly at Vesper, who flushed beet-red.
Nope used the time the elaborate speech allowed to calculate the size of the enemy. He slowly turned in a circle, careful not to make any sudden moves. The faces of at least a dozen swarthy men appeared in the depths of the vegetation. If only the JSTF were here--but perhaps they'd be in more of a pickle. All in all, it was an annoying diversion.
The ostensible ringleader coughed into his fist. "I'm sorry to keep you waiting, sir and madam, but we do have work to do. If you don't mind, rid yourselves of your cumbersome belongings, and we might part on our merry ways."
"Oh," Vesper blushed. Her arm sneaked to Nope's shoulder, fiercely tugging at the backpack that rested snugly there. An embarrassing situation, but Nope could forgive her later. "Is this what you're looking for?"
Nope turned to notice Vesper dangling the bag in front of the outlaw. "Vesper, no!" he hissed furiously, and grabbed to yank the bag from her grasp.
"That will do," the man--a dark-haired rascal--nodded, satisfied. Vesper whooshed the knapsack from Nope's fingertips, pleased that he trusted her enough to allow her to do so, backed up against a nearby oak tree, and reached into the bag. She smiled as an object of some familiarity began protruding.
"Vesper," Nope warned.
"Don't worry," she said, waving the barrel of a shotgun wildly in the air. "I've seen this in a movie." She stepped closer to the charming knave and narrowed her eyes at his ruddy countenance. "Sorry mister;" she said, invoking her best Annie Oakley voice, "this is business."
Vesper pulled the gun fully from the backpack, dropping the sack at her feet. She assumed a batting stance, clasping the gun protectively, and pirouetted, glaring into the woods surrounding the clearing. "All right, you primitive screwheads, listen up: THIS...is my BOOM stick!" she screeched. "Any one of you ewoks comes a step closer and poof!"
"Poof?" A few of the bushes tittered. Vesper pouted. She turned her head for reassurance from Nope, but he was frozen, staring into the foliage above them. What could possibly capture his attention at a moment like this?
She glanced up and gasped with surprise. A rakishly blond man lounged on a thick oak branch of some height, holding a sophisticated firearm pointed in Nope's direction. The shotgun slipped from her grasp, unheeded.
"Ah," Nope nodded sagely. "The ubiquitous Mr. Grendel. I thought you had a lucrative career as a politician?"
"In that matter you would be correct, for I desperately politick against the wealthy policy makers in this sordid land. Thus far, my brave deeds have proven...rewarding." The man lazily acknowledged Vesper's belated attention with an inclination of his head. "You might want to advise the lady to release the safety and aim a little lower before making any further threats against the health of my men, good sir. And now, that purse, please?"
Vesper silently picked up the backpack and passed it to Nope, who reluctantly handed it up to Grendel. He placed the coveted item in his satchel and loudly proclaimed, "We shall wait to examine this until dinner." There was a mutter of discontent among the men.
Smiling, Grendel glanced down at his two guests. "Feast with us, travelers?" He slid his legs behind the tree branch. Holding his arms taut, he swung his body such that he pulled himself fully around the tree branch to land atop it with catlike grace. That accomplished, he grasped a vine and departed into the woods.
"Um," said Nope.
Vesper watched the man disappear into the forest; her breath caught at his magnificent feat. It was a moment before she remembered the dire situation Nope had gotten them into by relinquishing the bottomless sack. "Nope," she panicked. "He's stolen the universal plot device!"
"Mmm." Nope glanced around the clearing, noting that their would-be robber had fled for better game, and the faces in the brush were no longer visible. They could follow Grendel at some distance, wait until nightfall, pounce upon the camp, retrieve the bag, and none would be the wiser.
"C'mon, Vesper." He reached back to tug at her wrist, but she was no longer within reach. Bother, what now? He turned around and quickly noticed they were no longer alone on the trail. A few feet away, Vesper had thrown her arms around the waist of a being the size of a mighty hardwood, pale-haired and imposing against the repose of the forest. The giant must have used sorcery to creep up upon them so swiftly. First Artie, now this. Vesper's pets were becoming tiring.
"Come, friends." The voice boomed from on high. "I will gladly lead you to the celebrations." The godling playfully brushed off Vesper's arms and slowly trounced off through the forest--shaking no trees, for, in truth, he was only seven feet tall.
Vesper raced over to Nope and trilled into his ear: "Geesh! Hank!'s alive and well!"
Nope rolled his eyes at her optimism. "Right. And maybe we'll find Hunter Green and the fountain of youth and our deeds will be immortalized by the multiverse."
Vesper frowned. "Even I, with my poor sense of geography, know that we aren't in Canada or Florida. Don't try to put that one past me."
"Of course not," Nope sighed.
Their escort was ahead a short ways, patiently leaning against an elm tree. "You were lucky to happen upon our band on this day. The Great Grendini does not often invite guests to dinner. Unless you count the sheriff, of course." He beamed at his charges encouragingly.
"Well," whispered Vesper. "He certainly doesn't talk like TMH! should."
Nope nudged her in the ribs and gestured at their diligent guide, smirking. "The Golden Retriever, perhaps?"
The Hank! look-alike smiled. "You wonder at my name? I am most often called Unmighty Henry, though you may call me Hank if you fancy." He reached down to gently pinch Vesper's cheek.
"Why did The Great Grendin--Grendi--Grendel not rob us directly?" Nope asked curiously, finishing his question with only a slight snigger.
Henry's mouth twisted and he began walking into the forest. "He claims it to be beneficial to train others in the band to rob. Today was green Jason's turn, forsooth. Poor fellow." He shook his head ruefully.
He turned back after a few feet and confided, "I think he does this to annoy the men. He never wanted to be chosen as a leader."
"Now, that comes as a surprise," Nope muttered. "But why would he jeopardize his men in such a manner? Someone might have been killed today." He glared at Vesper.
Henry shrugged. "Poverty bears its price."
He halted and spread his arms broadly. "But tonight, no one goes hungry! Sir and milady, welcome to our humble abode, where nonsense is king and rank is merely smelly." He bowed deeply and brushed aside the branches of a prickly holly bush to reveal a cluster of hastily assembled buildings, roughly the size of a small village. Men raced frenziedly from one dwelling to the next, burdened with fish, venison, baskets of berries--all the trappings of a feast fit for royalty.
"Poverty, indeed," said Nope.
Grendini flipped down from a tree branch and clapped a hand against Henry's back. "Good speech, my friend. Alas, nonsense regularly dons a crown in this country." He winked conspiratorially, and bowed to Nope and Vesper. "Welcome to our encampment. Truly, I lament my short manners in the woods. It's not every day the kind sheriff sups with us."
Henry ducked his head. "Only when his coffers can afford the expense!"
Grendini grinned. "We suffer from no lack of jesters in this lot." He turned to Nope and gestured in the direction of the milieu. "You are free to roam, should you wish to familiarize yourself with the camp before nightfall. I presume the contents of your purse will sufficiently attend your curiosity until supper?" He waved them off and disappeared with Henry into the bustling preparations.
Vesper watched the men with interest. "I used to adore this legend when I was younger. Robin Hood versus the play-King John and the corrupt Church. 'In the darkest hour shines the brightest star' and all that. One of the greatest stories of all time," she recalled fondly.
"And a more untarnished luminary the fates could hardly hope for," Nope scowled.
"Oh! I agree." Vesper nodded fervently. "Do you think this is where the Pantheon goes when they pass away? To a better dimension? Maybe this is Purgatory..."
"And never before has our camp been more aptly described, madam." A large hand heartily slapped her on the back, nearly tossing her to the ground in its enthusiastic greeting.
"Well, sir, you have bowled me over. Am I to be easier played than a game of ten pins?" Vesper giggled. She brushed off a few of the clinging grasses that had attached themselves to her dress and turned to examine her admirer.
A jovial fellow, he betrayed a portly belly and a sensible nature. He spoke with the tip of his tongue, a proud peacock that strutted about mightily in his eccentric wit. His silver eyes might have caught a king off-guard, once upon a time, but now a crinkling of wrinkles at their corners and a merry demeanor had diminished their impact. These days, they blended nicely with his graying hair.
Nope observed the exchange between Vesper and the kindly man with concern. If these were, indeed off-color googizations of the Pantheon, perhaps this was the once-powerful mage--
"kevrhon?" Inspired, Vesper squinted at the portly man. "M'sorry. I don't know of too many dead Pantheoneers. "Merlin, is that you?"
"No, madam. I am beside myself." He jumped tipsily to one side to illustrate his point. "And who might you be? La Fata Morgana?"
Vesper laughed delightedly. "No, silly, I'm Vesper!" She extended her arm in case he desired to shake hands.
"A lady of the evening, then? Lud, a fair night, indeed. Come, milady. We shall rediscover Camelot!" He eagerly took her hand in his and attempted to lead her off into the waning sunset.
"Erm," said Vesper. "I really should stay with Nope. I'm very easily led astray," she apologized.
"Fear me not, dear madam! I am e'en quicker with the sword than I am with the wit!" He lunged clumsily to pick her up, but found she had danced away, hovering near her escort. Minx!
"And equally quick to the liquor..." A pair of large hands gently reached down and pulled him indignantly away from solid ground, redirecting his interests toward the main center of activity. Henry chided the man: "A woman in camp is no excuse for poor behavior. More's the pity; I do believe it is time for you to deliver the daily sermon." He pushed gently at the older man's shoulders and the peacock was kindly sent on his way.
Henry approached the pair apologetically. "The good friar means well. He's a bit deep into his cups. Living out his childhood, perhaps."
Vesper was crestfallen. "I knew it was too good to be true," she sighed wistfully. "No man is that complimentary without demanding recompense for his flattery. Figures his attentions would be elsewhere. Thank you for reminding him of his place in the present," she curtsied to Henry.
Nope appeared as though he was mulling over a different course of events--perhaps calculating a series of possibilities, if one minded his mathematical inclinations. With a removed glint in his eye, he questioned: "Might I inquire as to the name of the sheriff? Hadmond, Hatton, something along those lines, perhaps?"
Henry was taken aback. "Indeed, the fellow's name is Hadleigh. Have you been so fortunate as to escape his ire previous to this?"
"But Nope," Vesper frowned. "Hatman's not dead."
"Assuredly, the scoundrel is not," Henry smiled. "Though he has tasted it many a time through his machinations. Would you like to meet him?"
Nope nodded affably. "Lead onward."
A confused expression crossed Henry's face for a moment, but then he grinned and walked toward the buildings, motioning that Nope and Vesper should follow.
Nope took Vesper aside and whispered, "Polar opposites. If anyone will help us against Grendel, a Hatman will."
They followed Henry through the maze of wooden carts and tantalizing aromas to a cabin situated well away from the rest, almost hidden in a grove of large hardwoods. In all honesty, it seemed like a poor choice of prisons, but perhaps Grendel possessed something Hatman treasured, as well.
Henry waved off the two guards at the front door and sweepingly gestured at the building. "And here," he said grandly, "the Lone Hound of Justice lies in wait." He tapped lightly at the door, then opened it to reveal a man who might pass for Hatman's alter ego bound to a chair, hands tied securely behind his back. Peeping cautiously from behind Henry's back, it momentarily appeared to Vesper as though Hadleigh wished to privately speak to the giant--a confession, perhaps?--but then Henry bowed to reveal his newly acquired friends and the moment passed.
"I have brought you visitors, Sheriff Hadleigh."
"Idle fate greets me in these peculiar fashions?" Hadleigh pulled a face and looked up and down at the pair, examining their odd choices of clothing and hairstyles. "Ah, well, I am not so miserly I can afford to dismiss gracious Opportunity when she calls. Thank you, Henry. These ruffians will suit my purposes nicely." Henry ushered the pair inside, then retreated from the room, closing the door softly behind him.
"As you can see," Hadleigh said, nodding at the roughly hewn walls and bare living space, "I have been left to my own devices."
"Do you miss your rabbits?" Vesper asked, testing the waters.
Hadleigh frowned. "My rabbits? Nay. They can fend for themselves. It is a time like this when a man pines for his hat..."
"Is that what holds you here?" Nope questioned incredulously. "Your hat?"
"Don't be foolish, boy," Hadleigh scowled. "It rests safely at home. The matter at hand is of justice, not hoods. Grendini has stolen the taxes of honest men from my protection in order to prolong his hiatus from the law."
Vesper frowned. "But aren't those funds he intends to use to ransom the rightful King?"
"A king's ransom, to be sure, but ha! ha! ha! if Grendini should let any of those riches escape his pockets. Moreover, Prince John licitly rules the country in His Majesty's absence."
Nope edged closer to where the sheriff was seated. "Hadleigh, I believe our interests lie in similar quarters. We are persuaded to your cause. Please, allow us the benefit of your intended commands." Cautiously, he moved behind the chair so as to loosen the man's bonds, only to find that they were already slack. He frowned, disconcerted.
Hadleigh smiled darkly. "Justice will be...served tonight."
* * *
The light of the roasting fires bathed the long table while the heat turned the cold and darkness into a warm and almost cozy environment.
Grendini was sat at the head, slumped ingenuously across his chair and peeling an apple with his belt knife. On one side, Hadleigh sat in silence and watched the on goings with a small but self-satisfied smile. On the other, Henry, Vesper and finally Nope formed the start of a ring of chattering fellows.
Vesper, her head in her hands and her eyes sparkling, was listening to Grendini expound upon his basic philosophy, to wit: inside every poor thief there was a good servant of the long absent King.
"Hadleigh, on the other hand," Grendini continued, "feels that the best way to reform a man of ill virtue involves a brief but abrupt shortening." He dragged a finger across his neck in a suggestive manner.
"But what of the, ah, fairer sex?" asked Nope, gulping.
"Women are far too sensible to resist the law," Hadleigh said mildly.
Vesper wrinkled her nose. "He must not have met Maid Marian yet."
"Pray, do not overlook the small people!"
"OzBat!" Vesper clapped her hands together happily as a tiny man appeared between, carrying in his hands a tray almost as long as he was high and stacked with goblets.
"Osbert, fair lady," corrected the small man not unkindly. "Though it is both my pleasure and pain to be known as Puck by this rabble, for whom I serve as some part chef and some part mascot."
Balancing the tray on one hand, he picked out a cup for each of them. "I sometimes believe they value me more for my tapsters skills than for my fighting."
"You’re a fighter?!" Nope’s jaw dropped and it was a moment before he had the presence of mind to add "No offence intended, sir."
"None taken, lad," returned Osbert heartily. "Should my enemies underestimate me, so much the better; what I lack in height I more than make up in accuracy."
"That’s our Puck," announced Grendini, banging his flagon on the table to emphasize his words. "Small in stature but not in might."
"Or mite," added Nope to Vesper, who pointedly ignored him.
Instead, she asked their host "How did you come to this place?"
"I? I made a mistake," sighed Grendini. "I made a deal with someone I should not have and now many are paying for it."
Vesper and Nope exchanged a glance.
"Enough of this dark talk. We should raise a toast to our honored guest," proclaimed Grendini, rising to his feet and hoisting his flagon high, "without whose generosity this fine repast would not be half so fine. We must thank-you, Sheriff."
"And well you should," returned Hadleigh, "for if I am not much mistaken it is mine own ale you are quaffing, sir."
A rumble of good-natured laughter echoed down the tables.
"And now," drawled Grendini with all the delivery of a game-show host, "shall we see what spoils green Jason so nearly procured for us, this fine day?"
A chorus of cheers greeted the arrival of Nope’s backpack, broken only by Nope jumping to his feet. Henry pushed him back into his seat, whispering "You would not wish to make a scene, lad. Once aroused, master Grendini’s wrath is as great as his reputation."
Nope subsided muttering as the rogue in question brandished his property once more. Grendini made a play of slowly opening the pack to a background of catcalls and laughter.
"That isn’t such a good idea," said Nope.
Grendini cocked an eyebrow, an amused smirk playing across his lips. Reaching into the backpack, he started to pull something out. After a moment he dropped the pack onto the table and began using two hands to lift out a large and heavy chest. "What sorcery is this?"
"Why does everyone assume it’s magic?" asked Nope, a trifle plaintively.
With an eye-watering twist of space reminiscent of passing a camel through the eye of a needle but without all the smoke and mirrors, the chest finally broke free and slipped from the rogue’s hand, striking the table and springing open.
"Od’s blood!" Grendini whistled. "This is indeed a purse of plenty."
"Gold and jewels be damned," interjected the Friar from the far end of the table, burping loudly. "My cup is dry once more and ‘tis only the fifth of the evening! Puck! Bring me more of this delicious refreshment!"
"If the bag’s as bottomless as the good Friar’s thirst," the Scarlet Will said, "we shall all be rich indeed."
The laughter drowned out the gurgling of goblets being refilled.
"You haven’t touched your Ale," commented Grendini, waving a hand at Nope and Vesper. "After such a generous gift, I think we may spare you a small drink. But tell me, how came you by such riches?"
"Uh, w-well," stammered Nope, considering that revealing the jewels were not quite so real as appeared was perhaps not the best course of action, "um, that is to say--"
He was saved by the bell or at least by the Friar, who choose that moment to pass out heavily, shaking the table as he collapsed upon his meal. Most of the men managed to steady themselves but Vesper’s untouched Ale was knocked down, splashing across the table. Hadleigh hissed his breath through clenched teeth.
"Here," said Puck, appearing at her side, "let me pour you another."
"I don’t know," began Vesper but, at Nope’s stern look, reached out meekly to take the cup.
"A toast," said Nope. "May we all have everything we need but not everything we want. Those jewels should help you with that," he added, somewhat facetiously.
They raised their glasses but, ere anyone could drink, Vesper’s slipped from her fingers and joined its companion on the table. "Um, gee," she said, clapping her mouth in her hands.
"I’ve rarely seen such bad luck," said Puck, adding, "Especially before someone has drunk."
"Luck? Of course!" Vesper jumped to her feet, knocking the goblet from Nope’s hand. "The Ale!" she exclaimed. "It must be drugged."
"What?" cried Grendini. "Treachery!" The rogue leapt to his feet, sword sliding from its scabbard with a silken hiss.
"Blast," swore Hadleigh, kicking himself away from the table. The chair fell and his bonds too, upon it, but the Sheriff was no longer among them. Snatching a sword from a woozy merry man, he lunged for Grendini. Their swords locked.
"Give it up, Hadleigh," hissed Grendini, shoving the other man away. "It was a clever scheme -- I’ll give you that at least -- but now you’re outnumbered and outmatched."
"Never outmatched, Grendini," returned Hadleigh, jumping back into the fray with abandon. "And as for outnumbered? To me!"
The dark of the forest grew darker and thicker with the bodies of men as the rogue and the Sheriff continued to spare from one end of the camp to the other.
"We are found out," bellowed Grendini. "To arms, men!"
"And women," cried Vesper.
"Discretion is the better part of valor, Vesper," cautioned Nope, making a grab at her arm. She slipped free, running towards the combatants even as the Sheriffs men burst out from among the trees, growling and waving their swords high.
"We are undone," cried green Jason.
Sighing Nope made a beeline for his backpack, kicking away the other hands reaching for it and snatching it up. Slipping it over his shoulder, he looked frantically around for his companion. "Vesper! Where are you?"
He turned in time to see her narrowly avoid being run through by Hadleigh. Vesper jumped and, unable to quickly reverse the direction of his lunge, the Sheriff tripped over her legs and fell face first into the mud. He moaned and didn’t get up.
"You have saved my life, madam," exclaimed Grendini, jumping forward and raising her hand to his lips to kiss her knuckle. "You shall forever have my gratitude!"
Vesper blushed prettily.
Turning on his heel, Grendini stalked off into the darkness, yelling "Fall back! Into the trees men! We’ll swiftly lose these vagabonds among the green wood."
"I’m with him," said Nope. "I’m not so sure whose side I should be on and, in this darkness, either group could take us for foes."
Vesper nodded her agreement. "They all headed that way," she said, pointing. "Perhaps we ought to go the other?"
Nope led the way, running into the darkness and occasionally looking back to make sure that Vesper was behind him and that no one was behind her. They ran in silence, save for the panting of their breath and soon it seemed they had left all followers behind them -- not for long, however.
"What’s that noise?" called Vesper and, indeed there was a new howling in the darkness.
"Hounds," said Nope shortly and doubling his pace.
The ground began to rise beneath their feet. The broke out of the forest to another new sound: water.
"We’re trapped," gasped Vesper.
Nope looked over the edge. The forest had faded out at the edge of a bluff, overhanging the torrents of a mighty river. "We might be able to swim for it," he announced with no great degree of relish.
"Can’t we return to the forest?" asked Vesper, but the baying of the hounds soon put paid to that idea. "So we jump?"
"Yeah," said Nope, unhappily. They walked up to the edge and looked over; Nope took a deep breath and grinned a grin that didn’t quite reach his eyes. "Let’s just hope your luck holds for both of us."
They unconsciously reached out to grab each other’s hand.
"Ready," asked Vesper.
Nope glanced over his shoulder. The pursuers were almost on them. He turned back tot he water. "Up, up--"
"--and away," finished Vesper, tensing her legs. They jumped together, plummeting into the waters below.
The hounds burst from the trees. The milled around at the edge, unsure of the suddenly vanished trail. Moments later, the Sheriff and his men turned up, sore, beaten and having lost all those they’d almost had in their grasp.
"Search the river," commanded Hadleigh. "Upstream and down, from here to the sea if you have to. I want those blasted ruffians found, ensconced in the Tower and hung by dawn. Search, blast you! Move, move move!"
But for all his shouting and the baying of the hounds, of the two heroes they found no trace.