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Real Life Blues

(More Accurately: Loose Ends and Epilogues)

"From the cross-roads of my doorstep, my eyes start to fade,
And I turn my head back to the room where my love and I have laid.
And I gaze back to the street, the sidewalk and the sign,
And I’m one too many mornings and a thousand miles behind."

--One too many mornings,
Bob Dylan

Few things in this (or any) universe have quite the same gut wrenching effect as an unguided cross-dimensional jaunt, especially one engendered by a Talorian d-portal ring. Never the most accurate device at the best of times, at the worst of times a trip down to the corner shop for the morning paper may take you via Salus Secondus, say, or some equally picturesque part of the omniverse. It’s from experiences such as these that we learn two important things: (a) on no account ever attempt a random d-jump and (b) always get your newspapers home delivered.

Thus it was that when the air ripped open and spat the pair out -- accompanied by the sort of discordant howling more at home in a B-movie score -- Nope staggered into a handy corner with a look of disgust and swiftly proceeded to become reacquainted with his lunch.

"Remind me to never, ever do that again," he groaned, rubbing at his mouth with the back of his hand. "Sweet goddess but I need a drink."

"That was just like the roller-coaster at Six Flags." Vesper stretched, yawning prettily. "Only not as bad. Where are we?"

"Not in DC anymore, that’s for sure." Nope sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Back to world roulette again."

"How bad can it be?" Vesper wandered towards the main road. "At least we can breathe."

"How bad?!" Nope hurried after her, dropping into step. "Did I ever tell you about the time I accidentally dropped into El Paso during the Mexican State Revolution?"

The calm quiet of the side alley was soon drowned by the hustle and bustle of life in the big city and Nope’s convoluted tale and Vesper’s laughter became just another indistinguishable thread in the tapestry. Though Spanish, French, Japanese and sundry other languages could be heard in the hubbub, the overwhelming accent was enough to convince them they were somewhere on the West Coast of the U.S.

"Lots of cars around," commented Vesper. "Everyone seems in a hurry."

"You know how it is. People to do, places to go, things to -- Well, well, well," smirked Nope. "I’ve worked out where we are."

"You have? How? Where?"

He pointed up the hillside at the sign, so beloved of tourists, which had given away their location. "El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de Los Angeles de Poricuncula," he announced. "L. A. to you and me."

"Los Angeles," breathed Vesper, "home of the stars, Hollywood, Beverly Hills, Rodeo Drive, and--"

"--And an amazing amount of freeways, earthquakes, brushfires, and smog," finished Nope. "Not to mention the crime rates. I really need a drink, now." He looked around. "Come on, there’s got to be a café near by."

* * *

"Umm, what is that, again?"

"A Green Lantern Special," said Nope, holding the glass up to the light. "I have no idea what’s in it. Something green."

"What does it taste like?" asked Vesper, stirring her own drink with a straw.

Nope sipped at it, replied with a shrug: "green."

The restaurant was crowded, not in companionable way good restaurants are but the tense, obese crowding of your average fast food joint. On the far wall, above the bar, hanging between a poor attempt at the S-Shield and a cheap plastic batarang was a shattered green globe, fragments jutting out from it at odd angles as though it were in the process of exploding. A cylindrical red and blue rocket stuck out on the end of a steel rod that ran through the fire-engine red of the Planet Krypton logo.

Vesper carefully pushed her glass aside. "Somehow this place is a whole lot more, umm --"

"Trashy?" suggested Nope.

"Tackier than I expected," corrected Vesper. "More commercial, shallow even."

"This is L.A." He glanced at the specials' list. "So – you want a Speedster Special? A Bat-Burger? A Krypto The Chilli-Dog?"

Vesper sighed. "I don’t think it’s actually possible to order sensibly from this menu."

"Sure it is. You just need the right knack." Nope waved one of the waiters over, lowering his shades with the other hand. Vesper tried not to giggle as the man flounced up in a lousy fitting Green Arrow outfit.

"Ready to order? Today’s specials are --" With a board tone and a vacant stare he started to read them off, checking them off against his fingers as he went. Vesper kicked him in the shin to get his attention and, as the waiter looked down, Nope intercepted his gaze.

"Fetch us a quarter-pounder, a cheeseburger, fries and two cokes, one regular, one diet," he commanded, tossing a couple of bills on the table, "and don’t ask stupid questions."

"Told you we should have gone for Mexican. Or Chinese," added Vesper as they watched the waiter, swaying slightly, walk away. "I think we passed one or the other on every block."

Nope laughed. "For the sake of friendship, I shall refrain from mentioning your ‘oh, oh, we have to eat in here’ speech, then."

* * *

"What you have to --" Nope took a large bite from his hamburger, washing it down with coke. "What you have to understand is – Wait, you do know how J Street was created, right? I mean, everyone knows that."

Vesper looked blank.

"Oh, okay. You see, there was an overblown wizard with some serious attitude problems going by the name of Pierre L’Enfant," explained Nope, waving his hamburger expressively. "Now, Joe Grendel was a two-bit soul-less punk with a certain interesting talent; a punk who just happened to be in the wrong place at the right time so, of course, the two hook up. Leaving out the technical details, whoosh, boom, and Lo! J Street is formed."

"Time passes, yada, yada, yada," he continued, "and then Jonah the Monitor comes along and throws all these minor and relatively minor heroes together. Somehow, for some strange, inexplicable reason, they manage not to kill each other long enough to actually become something greater than the sum of its parts. A gestalt if you want to be pretentious. Voila: J Street forms the Pantheon."

"How do you know all this?" asked Vesper. "I didn’t think you’d been on J Street that long."

"Funny thing, the J Street library. I found a book in it called ‘Specks of Dust: An Intimate Look at the Pantheon’. I’ll show it to you sometime. Its companion volume is even better, mainly because it has pictures."

"Pictures?" Vesper raised an eyebrow.

Nope nodded. "Some of them are even in colour."

"Really?" She grinned.

He matched it. "’S truth, I promise."

"I think we’ve kinda strayed from the point here."

"The point, I mean, the point is -- what is the point, anyway?" Nope stared at his last morsel of burger as if it contained the secrets of the universe. After a moment, he ate it, licking the grease from his fingertips. "Wait, I’ve got it. The point is, right, weird goog happens and you get a lot further towards actually finding a purpose if you aren’t spending all your time looking for somewhere to try and find a purpose in. Or something along those lines."

"And that," he added, "concludes Callahan-san’s inspirational talk for the day." He bowed towards Vesper, grinning infectiously.

"Okay," she laughed, "what do we now, Sensei?"

"Now, let’s find us a way home," said Nope.

"I can help with that." Calm blue eyes looked down at them from beneath a short crop of blonde hair, brushed away from the forehead of a man in his late twenties, early thirties. The loose silk shirt that crowned the scruffy jeans was dark, a stylised dragon on its back.

"I thought you two might end up here," he said, sitting down at the table. "Could you be in any more mess?"

"I’m sorry," said Nope in a tone that clearly denied the statement, "but do we know you?"

"No, but I know you," he replied and Vesper, gripped by a profound sense of deja vu, felt no surprise at all as he continued "and I think I can get you back to J Street."

"You can? Oh, good," laughed Vesper. "We were dreading having to find the portal ourselves. Thank you, sir!"

"You trust people far too easy," sighed Nope.

"And you should learn to trust someone," returned Vesper. "Not everyone is out to get you, not matter how hard you want them to be." Nope blinked, letting out a short burst of self-conscious laughter. Vesper turned back to the familiar stranger and asked, "Where is the portal? Is it far?"

"Not exactly." The man got to his feet. "Come on, my apartment is nearby."

Vesper and Nope exchanged a glance. Vesper said "Well?"

Nope shrugged. "Beats hitch hiking all the way to Washington, I suppose."

* * *

Nearby translated to a few roads up and a couple across. The man let them into the apartment building and lead them up to the inner door.

"Nice place you have here," commented Vesper. "Airy. Well located. Very, um, nice."

The man fished keys out of his jeans pocket. "Well, I only moved in just recently and--"

"-- you never did tell us your name," interjected Nope smoothly.

Pausing, keys raised to the lock, the man glanced back over his shoulder. "Name? Well, I guess you could call me Joe-Prime."

"You’re this world’s Grendel?" demanded Nope.

"You could say that," agreed Joe-Prime. "Why, what did you expect?"

"Some one, umm, darker," suggested Vesper. "You know, guns in every room, swords on the wall?"

"You mean, all ‘Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face’?" Joe-Prime laughed. "Rorschach I ain’t." He turned the key, pushing the door open.

Save for one or two more obvious female touches, the room could have been any standard fan-boy’s pad. Videos and comics were stacked haphazardly across the shelves, surrounded by ornaments and reminders from all over the world. The computer monitor and tower rested on a hastily cleared desk in the far corner, a dying plant pot precariously balanced on the top. A red dress, evening wear by the looks of it, was laid out over the back of one of the chairs.

"Amy?" called Joe-Prime. "You in here?"

"Shower’s running," commented Nope.

"What do we--" As Vesper sat down on the bed, a dark cat jumped out of nowhere and into her lap. The cat padded round in a circle before dropping into a comfortable heap and letting loose a deep throated purr as Vesper scratched her behind the ears. "She’s gorgeous!"

"Her name’s Motley Sue," said Joe-Prime distractedly from where he was booting up the computer. "I’ve had her for years." He stepped back to survey the screen. "Here we go."

"Jonah Weiland’s Comicbook Resources," read Vesper out loud. "THE resource for comic book fans."

"Sounds groovy enough," said Nope. "Irrelevant, but groovy."

"Irrelevant?" Joe-Prime raised an eyebrow in disdain, but refrained from making any further comments. Instead, he modified the URL slightly.

"Hey! That’s us," exclaimed Vesper.

Nope read the screen over her shoulder.

Vesper experimentally shook an overhanging tree branch. "Maybe there are brigands in the forest," she suggested.

"Yeah, right," said Nope. "They'll probably jump out any second now."

A voice called from the trees: "What a grand idea!"

Nope heaved a sigh and rolled his eyes toward the heavens. "Of course it is," he said flatly.
 

"How is that possible?"

"It’s possibly because -- This is kind of hard to explain. You see, you two, your Joe Grendel, the whole Pantheon are characters in fan fiction written by some guys and gals from my world."

"You mean you created us? You’re some kind of gods?"

"Gee," drawled Nope. "My writer must have one sick sense of humour."

Joe-Prime shook his head. "It’s not like that exactly. It’s like – Look, you know the Fantastic Four, right?"

"Not personally," said Vesper. "But, yeah, I know them."

"Never let them talk you into baby-sitting Franklin," commented Nope. The other two stared at him. "What?! Look, it wasn’t my fault the Baxter Building got stolen."

"I’m not even going to ask," sighed Joe-Prime. "You know the Fantastic Four appear in a comic book as well, right? And sometimes, say, Stan Lee would turn up actually in the comic? This is just the same – except that here, the characters are in the creators’ universe."

"Maybe this is all a story somewhere as well," exclaimed Vesper. "And the guy writing that story is a character in another story, and the guy writing that story is --"

"I think we get the point," interrupted Joe-Prime. "Anyway, this is a record of everything you’ve done since you accidentally fell of J Street. You really should have taken Amazon’s advice," he added. "You would have been much better off in the long run."

"Don’t look at me, it was all her idea," Nope slipped in swiftly.

"Hey!" exclaimed Vesper. Joe-Prime grinned She asked: "So this will tell us how to get home then, right?"

"‘How’? Unfortunately, no." Joe-Prime pointed at the bottom of the screen. The story lost you when you fell of Earth Z."

Nope asked "How do you intend to find the portal home, then?"

"I don’t," returned Joe-Prime. "I’m just going to write you back into the story."

"Has a certain kind of logic," said Nope, "if you’re psychotic, that is."

"Sounds like it should work to me," said Vesper, forcefully. Nope subsided, muttering.

"I’m afraid you’re going back right into the thick of things," muttered Joe Prime. "Can’t be helped. People have plans, don’cha know?"

"Wait," interrupted Nope urgently, "what about the Pantheon Grendel? I mean, where is he?"

"Oh, him?" Joe-Prime smiled and there was just a trace of Grendel dancing in his eyes. "What makes you think you hadn’t already found him?"

Vesper gasped and Nope took a sudden step towards him and then a great roaring filled their ears and for a sudden moment the room was filled with swirling wind which departed even as Joe-Prime glanced aside to seek it’s source and when he looked back…

…they were gone.

"I heard voices." In the commotion, Joe-Prime hadn’t noticed the shower stop. Towelling her hair and draped in a bath-robe, Amy came up to stand behind him, reading the screen from over his shoulder. "Who was that?"

"Oh, just a couple of guys, you know," said Joe-Prime distractedly. His hands danced across the keyboard as he added the finishing touches.

She brushed the long blonde hair back from her shoulders, tucking a loose strand behind her ear, face lighting up with a wide smile. "Are you going to be long?" she asked, leaning

"Just... Finished!" he announced. "Why, did you have something else --?" Her lips tickled the lobe of his ear.

"Oh, like that is it?" He turned, pulling her into his lap, right hand coming up to brush across her bare shoulder, fingers gently sliding up her neck.

"Mmm ...?"

His fingers brushed and braced against her jaw bone, thumb moving across her chin, stroking her lips, parting them gently. Amy sighed as Joe-Prime’s face lowered to hers, lips barely touching hers a moment, as his left hand moved to her hip, pulling her toward him. They kissed.

As he stood to lead her to the bed, Joe-Prime reached behind him, blindly one-handed to hit the ‘Post Message’ button.

The screen filled with text.

* * *

"J street. Home sweet home," said Nope, without even a hint of sarcasm -- or at least none that Vesper could detect. They paused in the doorway of the Pond.

Nope broke the silence with "You know, Grendel--"

"-- Will turn up," Vesper finished, "in his own sweet time. One way or another."

Nope nodded slightly, shoving his hands deep into his pockets, looking away down J Street. After a while, he said: "So--"

"So?"

"I guess..." A quiet chime interrupted and Nope pulled a small pager from his backpack, glancing at the screen, announcing "JSTF emergency. I better get going." The pager disappeared from view again.

"Guess so," agreed Vesper.

"See you around?" Nope gave a lopsided smile. "Maybe I’ll pass by wherever you choose to settle down."

"Well," said Vesper slowly, "I think I might stick around here. You know, just a while longer. Until I find something more... permanent."

"Sure," grinned Nope. "Then it isn’t goodbye, merely -- Aloha."

"Aloha," echoed Vesper, watching as Nope began to walk away down the street. He turned back to wave, grinning and pulling his backpack up on his shoulder. A step and he shimmered; another and he was gone. For a long moment, Vesper continued to watch; then she turned and slipped through the doors.

The green neon sign, glittering in the sunlight, continued to flash its message:

Grendel’s Pond,
Bar and Grill.