In the sky, two figures are falling. At 80,000 feet, they accelerate at 9.8 miles per second squared, dropping at a fantastic speed. One thing's for sure...even if you're not a physics grad, you know that when these two hit land, it's gonna hurt..."WHAT THE GOOG WERE YOU THINKIN', RING BOY???" one shouts at the other, as the wind tears through their respective sets of ears. "WE SHOULD'VE NEVER HAVE TRUSTED HER!!"
"ME? WHAT WAS I THINKING? YOU WERE THE ONE FAWNING OVER HER, YOU JERKWEED!!"
"WELL, EEEEXXXXCCCUUSSEEEE ME!!! SO, WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GONNA DO NOW??"
"YOU KNOW WHAT?? SCREW THE BET. YOU WIN. YOU GOT FIFTY BUCKS. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!!"
He points his ring finger skyward, envisioning a giant parachute. Nothing.
"WHAT THE HELL??!? RING ISN'T WORKING!!"
"HEY...I CAN'T PUSH EITHER!!"
The two stared at each other, the same words part from their lips.
"NOW WHAT??"
Jason And Nope Present:
Pantheon Team-Up #10
The Challenge
Odd chapters by Jason, even by NopeGAIL'S HOUSE OF MYSTERY
75 Hours Ago...He looked in the mirror, studying his facial expressions carefully. In his mind, one error would mean failure. He took a deep breath...and began:
"Hi, Phannie..."
Wait. Time out. Would she liked to be called Phannie? She does have a name, unlike Amazon, or course. Try it again...
"Hello, Joanna? How are you? That's good. Listen, I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me, have some fun..."
Good, good. Keep up the happy side, don't let her know how messed up you think you are...
"I mean, after that whole business with the shuttle, I can't stop thinking about you..."
Too strong! Back off a little...
"So...maybe you'd, uh, maybe go out with me, or something?"
Too weak. Jason, why the heck do you HAVE to get a near-fatal crush on a random Pantheon gal? First, there was gail in '96. Then Amazon. What, you're gonna get a thing for Briar Rose? Wait...she's seen DaDa naked...scratch that...
"YO! BORELLI!"
Jason rushed to the window. Nope, doughnut, and Wheat Lad were standing underneath, with basketball in hand. "We want to engage in a little two-on-two," Nope hollered. "Maybe you'd like to join us?"
"Uh...sure," came the replied, as it took the Lantern a few seconds to consider the proposition. "I'll be right down."
OK...shoot some hoops with the guys...then ask her out, Jason thought to himself as he descended down the staircase. If she says yes, cool. If not...no big deal, right?
J STREET PLAYGROUNDS
2:16 PM"Wheatie? Wheatie? Hello?"
Jason was slapping his teammate lightly in the face. Wheat Lad had gone catatonic...again. And he knew why.
"Nope you sonofa...why do you gotta do that with my guy?" he shouted, sweat glistened off his body. "I know you're doing this?"
"Excuse me? Why do you gotta use the ring? You hit six straight buckets!"
"I WASN'T USING THE FREAKIN' RING, YOU JERK!"
"Then what was that flash of light when you and Timbo went up 4-0?"
"Oh...that was an afterthought. Didn't mean you had to mess up my guy."
Jason stalked off the court, ball in hand with Nope in hot pursuit, as doughnut snapped Wheat Lad out of his vactaion.
"It's almost like you can't live without that little Jedi mind-trick. I saw what you did with Doc Od. You just pushed him in the direction you wanted him to go. You are SO weak!!"
Nope laughed out loud. "ME?!? ME???!? What about YOU? At least I don't carry a gleaming emerald CRUTCH wherever I go!!"
Jason stared. Wheat Lad and doughnut reached in to break up a potential fight.
"And another thing, Ringo!" shouted Nope, as Wheat Lad pulled him away. "I bet I could hold off my power longer than you!"
Jason thought about it for a second. "Do...do you want to make it interesting?"
Wheat Lad and Doughnut now stared at each other. This scene seemed eerily familiar.
Nope went for his wallet. "Define 'interesting.'"
Jaso smiled. "Twenty bucks says I can hold off using the ring longer than you can zap people with the Jedi trick."
Nope grinned. Jason extended his hand. "Do we got a deal?"
"Wait...how do we know if you're on the up and up, Jason?"
"Well, as heroes, we use the Honors System. Seeing how we know each other fairly well, we can tell if the other's lying."
Nope extended his hand. "Deal."
Just as they were about to shake, a voice of distention broke the mood.
"Guys? Listen, who the heck are you kidding?"
Nope, Wheat Lad, and Jason stared at doughnut.
"I mean, you're both reliant on your powers to a high degree. I figure both of you would crack in under a day."
Jason raised both his eyebrows at Nope. "We haven't made the bet yet, right?"
"Uh huh."
"Good."
Jason fired a beam from his ring, tossing doughnut high into the air, until he was just a blip in the sky. Nope and Wheat Lad flashed bemused expressions at Jason.
"Well...he is invulerable to all harm, right?"
Nope nodded. He and Jason shook hands. The bet was on.
Suddenly, as if by magic, a woman appeared from nowhere. Two words came to mind.
"Hootchie..." Jason started.
"...Mama," Nope finished.
She stood in a buinesswoman's outfit, conservative, yet not leaving everything to the imagination. Long hair, long legs, right proportions (a rarity on a comicesque setting like J Street.)
"Excuse me, gentlemen," she spoke softly. "I need a hero."
Jason reacted first. "Why, yes. I am a hero. I am Green Lantern...but everybody here calls me Jason."
"Or Butthead," smirked Nope.
"And this little guy is my sidekick, Nope. Say hi to the nice lady, Nopey."
"SIDEKICK??!?"
"Well, I suppose two heroes would be better than one. Follow me."
Jason and Nope stared at each other. as unlikely as it seemed, both men had the same thoughts running through their heads.
Jason: Oh man...this lady digs me!
Nope: This lady digs Jason. But give him five minutes, she'll be eating out of my hands.
Jason: I have to bring Dopey Nopey along, otherwise...
Nope: ...he'll cheat, and use his powers. I gotta keep an eye on him...
Jason: ...just to make sure he doesn't goog me over.
"Sure."
"Point the way, lady."
She beckoned Jason and Nope toward a light. And in a flash, they were gone.
Wheat Lad came out a spilt second later, staring at his watch.
"Three...two...one..."
On cue, doughnut plummmeted to earth with a sickening thud.
"Oh yeah," said Wheatie, as Doughnut struggled to get up. "That was smart of them."
Chapter 2:
A Plot, A Plot, My Kingdom For A Plot“Ooh, nifty teleportation effect! What was that, matter/energy transfer? D-jump? Instability node? Space/Time warp? Spatial--”
“Oh, get a life,” muttered Jason.
“What?!” Nope asked, giving him a hurt look. Jason ignored him, hurrying after the woman.
“Welcome to the Citadel of the City of Summer,” she announced in such a way that you could hear the capitals.
They were passing through a large chamber in the center of which grew a large tree. Covered with long, green and downward hanging branches, it could have been mistaken for a common willow if not for the bright purple blossoms. The three itself was planted in a raised bed, surrounded by marble paths spreading outwards in radial lines and underneath a gold dome. The paths lead into similar chambers, each one filled with various paintings, statues, crowns, jewels and other assorted antiques.
The woman sat down on the edge of the raised bed and began stripping. “I do so hate these tight, scratchy clothes.”
“Uh?” managed Jason.
“Now, as I was saying, I need--” She looked up. “Is there have a problem?”
“What? No!” Nope blinked, gave a self-conscious grin. “No problem. I was just, ah, admiring your... ornaments.”
Jason barely stifled his laughter.
“Ornaments?” She looked confused for a moment. “Oh, you mean those small things.” She waved a hand at jewels worth the price of a small country. “Just a few minor trifles I keep around.”
“Okaaay,” muttered Jason. “Look, Miss ah--”
“Mistress Trazia de Somerville.” She smiled, rapidly increasing the ambient lighting of the room. “Please, call me Tracy. Everyone does.”
“So Miss , um, Tracy,” continued Jason, “You said you needed a hero and here you have one of the best--”
“And Jason as well,” called Nope over his shoulder, wandering towards one of the piles of jewels.
Jason treated him to a withering look which Nope completely failed to notice. “What exactly is it you want us to do?”
“The thing of it is, see, I was recently robbed of an item that is most precious too me.” She jumped to her feet, by now wearing only an outfit that would have more suited Miami beach than the alien citadel. “Come on, I have a picture of it in the ante-chamber.” She stepped lightly onto one of the marble paths which, against all probability, began moving.
With a shrug, Jason followed, calling back: “Get a move on, Nopey.”
Nope, glancing both ways to check he wasn’t being watched, casually palmed a sapphire bracelet, pocketing it as he hurried after the other two. The ante-chamber clearly doubled as a boudoir. Trying to work out how many animals would have had to been killed to supply all the fur made Jason’s head hurt.
Tracy threw herself onto the bed, picking up a small remote control. Rolling over onto her back, she pointed it at the large painting on the far wall.
“Isn’t that a Turner?” asked Jason.
“It’s a Whistler,” said Nope. “Well, a very good fake, at any rate. Painted by a student of his, actually.”
“Very good.” Tracy smiled at him. “I do so love a man who understands fine art.” As she turned back to the painting, Nope treated Jason to a smug grin across her back. Tracy hit a button and the painting swung up, revealing a large TV screen. It lit up.
“Goddess,” exclaimed Nope.
Jason whistled. “That’s one ugly statue. Umm, no offence,” he quickly added.
“It’s called Skunkpuss, the Statue of Horrendous Visuals,” explained Tracy.
“Rrrreally?” drawled Nope.
“It was stolen from me five days ago. The police are no help. I want you to find it.” She looked away from them, throwing an arm across her face, sobbing. “It’s -- it’s the only momento I have of my father. I’m begging you, please, please find it for me.”
“Umm, well--” began Jason.
“Of course we’ll help. I never could resist a damsel in distress,” smiled Nope. “Especially not one as beautiful as you.” He lifted her hand to his lips. She blushed, turning her head aside, giggling prettily.
“Nope!” hissed Jason. “What about the bet? If we can’t use our powers, how are we supposed to--”
“Geez, ring-boy, self-confidence problems or what?” Nope grinned. “Relax. This’ll be a piece of cake.”
“Why don’t I find that reassuring?”
“Because you’re a born pessimist?” suggested Nope. “But, hey, if you want to chicken out, I can handle this by myself.”
“Yeah, right. The minute I’m out of sight, you’ll be making everyone think they’re rabbits again.”
“Well, if your so confident I’m going to lose the bet, maybe we ought to raise the stakes,” sneered Nope.
“Well, maybe we should.”
“Right. Another ten.”
“Ooh, big man. Thirty bucks it is.”
“You got that right.”
“Right.”
“Fine.”
“Fine!”
“Fine!!”
mutter grumble mutter grumble
Chapter 3: Earth-C
The Big Hit
San Francisco, CAIt was a good day for Diego Nieves. The new wing of his mansion had been fully repaired last week. The gun trade had been most profitable. And the blackmail racket netted him a cool $20,000,000. All in all, it was a great day to be a crimelord.
"INCOMING!!!"
Then again...
A loud explosion rocked the building, a sweet smoke filled the hallways. Diego took a whiff, and knew what it was. Knockout gas.
Grabbing a hankerchief, he covered his mouth, coughing all the while. He saw his enforcers lying on the ground, dazed and confused.
The fans kicked in, blowing the fumes away, but too late. He had been hit. But...how come he was still alive? His wife and children were vacationing in Aruba. The vault hadn't been broken in. So...what had happened?
"I see someone moving!"
"Must be him! GRAB HIM!!"
Two bodies flung themselves at the crime boss, grabbing him, pinning him to the ground.
"WHO ARE YOU?" Diego shouted. "What do you want?"
Jason took off his mask. "The Skunkpuss, fellah! Where is it?"
"WHAT?"
Nope took off his gas mask. "Look, Diego, we did a ton of research. We know the statue's in your joint. We know you can travel through dimensions. Now...where is the statue?"
"Oh. That."
Nope smiled, and he began to focus on his mind...at least, til he saw Jason with dollar signs in his eyes.
"Hey, Lantern, maybe you can talk some sense into this schmuck."
"Right..."
Jason lifted the frail crime boss to a wall.
"Look, we're not gonna hurt you. We just want to ask a question or two."
"AND THAT'S WHY YOU WHACKED MY BOYS??!?"
"What? Yeah. You should appreciate the gesture. Nope maxed out his J Mart card getitng the gas. Now...the Skunkpuss statue. Where the hell is it?"
"It's...it's..."
Diego's eyes began to glaze over. The gas was beginning to affect him. He grasped at Jason's shoulder and whispered in his ear.
"What's he saying?" Nope asked, jumping over an unconscious enforcer.
Jason gazed silently at the mirror, as Diego fell unconscious.
"Jason? What's wrong?"
"He...he said that other families wanted the statue, so he used his travelling abilites to hide it in the one place nobody would look. The trophy room."
"What? No sweat..."
"The JLA Watchtower trophy room."
Nope's expression drooped.
"The Watchtower."
"Yes."
"Where the JLA hangs out."
"Unless they went back to Happy Harbor and kicked the kids out, yes."
Nope stood silently.
"Thirty-five bucks?"
"Thought you'd never say that."
Chapter 4:
Talk is Cheap"This is just how I like to spend my day."
The strange thing about the JLA watchtower is all the air ducts. You would not believe how many air ducts there are. Miles and miles and miles of them, all crossing and re-crossing like a plate of metallic spaghetti: a veritable maze. Funny people, these super-hero HQ designers. Coincidentally, they're just the right size for people to crawl around in, provided they don't mind small, cold, cramped spaces. Or the smell.
"Couldn't we have just asked for the statue?"
"Oh, yeah, I can see that," sneered Nope. "Excuse me, this guy stole this statue from this woman and has hidden it in the JLA trophy room. Can we have it back please? No, we're not crazy, honest."
Jason shrugged. "Okay, so it might not work."
"It'd never work."
"It might."
"It wouldn't. Trust me on this." Nope stopped to look back. "It would not work. We'd be in straight-jacket's faster than you can say 'Holy cow, Batman.'"
"Shut up and crawl."
They reached an(other) intersection and looked around.
"Which way?" asked Jason.
"Umm, that way," said Nope, waving a hand vaguely.
"You don't know, do you?"
"Hey, I got us to the moon, I've done my part."
"And how we're going to explain this to NASA, I have no idea."
"Look," argued Nope, "I'll put it back, they'll never notice."
"Okay, okay, okay. I'm not having this argument again." Jason sighed, wondering how he'd got himself into this mess.
"You're the one who's supposed to have the ideas. I'm just the sidekick, remember?"
"Fine. We'll go this way."
* * * Later
"Told you we should have gone the other way."
"Shut up and crawl."
"Hey, maybe we'll end in the hydroponics bay again. Or the pool! That was fun."
"Shut up."
* * * Later. Much later.
"Wow! Will you look at this place?" Nope wondered down the aisle, running his hands over the cases and whistling appreciatively. "Way cool, man."
"It is kind of neat."
"Woah! Isn't that Starro?"
"Where? Oh, yeah, that's it all right." Jason bent against the glass to get a closer look. "Ugly little critter."
They continued to wonder through the trophy room.
"I suppose we should start looking for the statue."
Nope looked around. "Ummm, it's not here."
"What?"
"The statue. It's not here."
"It has to be here."
"Take a look, ring boy." Slowly and carefully, Nope repeated "The. Statue. Is. Not. Here."
"But it has to be!"
"It's not googin' here!!"
"Then where is it?"
"How the bloody hell should I know?!?!"
"Shh!" hissed Jason. "Stop shouting!"
"I'M NOT SHOUT--"
"Shhhhhhhhh!" Jason, clapped a hand to Nope's face, muffling him. "Need I remind you that we're illegally inside the headquarters of one of the most powerful groups on this Earth?"
"Oh, yeah. Sorry." Nope looked around. "Clearly the statue's been stolen."
"Don't be stupid. Who could break into the Watchtower?" Jason considered this, added "Other than us, I mean."
"Mr. P. R. Arbunkle, Burglar extrordinare. No job too large."
"Look, I know you don't know. There's no need to be sarcastic."
"I wasn't. I was reading this card." Nope handed it over. "It was lying in that empty display case. Next to Prometheus' helmet. Which is kinda cool, in a retro sort of way."
"I see. This stuff happens to you a lot, doesn't it?"
"You have no idea."
"Back to the air vents, then."
"Yep."
"And Nope?"
"Yes, Jason?"
"Put the helmet back."
"Awww."
Chapter 5:
It is What You Think, But Not WHY You Think..."Hi ho hi ho, back to the ship we go?"
"Shut up, Nope..."
Jason and Nope trudged back to their pilferred satllete, only to find...
"Oh good..."
They were not all present. As usual, Batman had his troubles in Gotham, as did Superman. The Manhunter was probably in one of his many secret identities. The Flash and Green Lantern had the night off, and were going through invitation designs for Wally's upcoming nuptials. Still. they were...
"The Justice League."
Aquaman folded his arms. "Who the blazes are you two?"
Jason and Nope stared at each other. The Huntress had her finger pressed on her crossbow'as trigger. A hint of saliva came from Orion's lips. There was going to be bloodshed, followed by a 20-year stay in a fedral pen, where Jason and Nope could never bend over ever again. And those chain of events was about to occur if an excuse wasn't thought of. Fast.
Jason grasped his head. "Oooohhh...what happened to me?" he moaned in a soft voice.
"What the goog are you doing?" hissed Nope under his breath. Jason smiled, winked at Nope, then continued his performance.
"I...I remember. That bad man Mr. Arbuckle turned Nope's power against me...forced me and Nope to hijack a ship against our will. Oh dearie...he must've left us here as patsies."
Zauriel raised an eyebrow. Plastic Man took the form of a bull, and lifted his leg into the air.
"Yeah," Nope continued, getting the hint after a half-minute. "That son of a goog used me. AND I DON'T LIKE BEING USED!!!"
"Arbuckle, you say?"
A monitor lit up. Batman's scowling face slowly came into view.
"Hey, Batty, didn't ya say that you had to catch the Joker AND Two-Face?" asked Plastic Man, ears raised to simulate Batman's pointed ears.
"Did that. And caught Poison Ivy to boot. So i figured I'd come home to the Cave and relax, maybe plunge a knife into my hand, see how far I could go. But, as usual, you guys need a mystery solved."
"And I take it you know who Arbuckle is?" wondered Big Barda, replaced Orion's drool bucket with a freesh one.
"World famous burglar. He must have ripped us off. But...why the Skunkpuss?"
Jason cocked both eyebrows. "Are there any world-threatening crises happening right now?"
"Well there's..." started Wonder Woman, her words trailing off into nothingness. "Great Hera, we have a night off! That has to be a first!"
"And, according to the files, Arbuckle hails from Jersey City!" exclaimed Steel, who looked NOTHING liked Shaquelle O'Neal. "That's my hometown!"
"Then what we waiting for, an invitation?" shouted Nope. "Let's get this guy!!"
The assembled heroes gave a mighty whoop and holler as they headed for the transporter tube. Jason stared at Nope, and slapped the back of his head.
"I told you...we didn't HAVE to hijack a ship!"
"Shut up..."
* * * Two Hours Later
Citadel of the City of Summer"Man, that was fun!" Nope shouted, waving a bag of popcorn in the air. "I keep forgetting how cool superhero stuff looks from the outside. I mean, did you see Plas give that Arbuckle guy the mutha of all wedgies?? Did ya?"
"Nope, I was there. You don't have to shout," Jason replied, cuddling the Skunkpuss in his arms. "I still can't believe we lied to the JLA."
"Yeah, but it's gonna be worth it when we give this ug-gah-lee statue to Tracy. I'm gonna score!"
"Nope, we don't do this kind of deal for the money, fame, or pleaures of the flesh..."
"Yeah, right, Jase. Keep telling yourself that! You're telling me you wouldn't caress her, run your fingers through her golden hair, put you lips on her..."
"Whoa! Nope, what are you talking about?"
"Lovin', Jason. You do watch SOUTH PARK, right? Chef sings thinnly-veiled songs..."
"Nope, she wasn't blonde. She had red hair."
"Say what? Jase, she was blonde."
"She wasn't. I'm sure she has long red hair."
Jason caught a figure in a distant corner. "There's Tracy. Tell you what...if she's blonde, you get to use your power once without giving me money. If she's got red-"
"You're on, loser. YO! PRINCESS!!"
The duo jogged over to where she stood, her back turned to them.
"SEE? BLONDE!"
"No, it's red."
"Waitasec...it's turning white!"
"Yeah..."
She turned, and Jason and Nope fell unconscious under a bright light
* * * Another Two Hours Later...
Parts Unknown"Wake up, the both of you..."
Jason and Nope woke up, lying face down on the floor.
"Ughhh...what the heck happend?" Jason sputtered, as he brushed himself off.
"I regret having to fool the two of you like that, but I needed the statue to give to the real Tracy."
"Hold up," Nope said, stretching his muscles. "The REAL Tracy? Who...the goog...what the hell?"
A hooded figure sat on a throne at the end of a long red rug. On each side of the rug stood six monkeys with wings.
"Jason? You seeing this?"
"What? I gotta get the glasses on."
"You two have aided me greatly. I am sorry that my illusion was less than convincing. But I needed two heroes to acquire the statue for me."
"You mean...you USED us?" Jason cried out. "Who are you?"
"Jason...don't you recognize the voice? It's him!"
"Him? Him who?"
The robe was thrown aside, and a bright white light blinded the two heroes.
"WHO IS HE?" Jason shouted, trying to prevent his eyes from burning out.
Nope felt it in his throat. A climatic quote was coming on...
"WE GOT USED BY MICHAEL JACKSON!!"
Hey kids! Believe or not, this ain't the first time Mike's been on the NEB! Check out "If Wishes Were Horses" as he meets The Mighty Hank!!
Chapter 6:
Forever Blowing Bubbles..."We got used by Michael Jackson?!" repeated Jason, with just the slightest hint of incredulity in his voice.
"Well, Michael the Jackson, pop-warrior king of his particular alternate Earth," admitted Nope, "but that doesn't quite have the same dramatic ring to it. You see, after Hank (apparently accidentally) wished himself into the leading role in Annie during the Pantheon's trip to the wish realm, he called Michael the Jackson up and got himself sent back to J Street, only to vanish again when the wish that had turned Hatman into Superman in the past finally started affecting the present. Everything sorted itself out in the end, though."
"Well, that was a totally gratuitous (and somewhat unnecessary) plot summary."
"Thank you."
Jason considered this for a moment. "And how the hell do you know that, anyway?"
"I'd love to tell you," said Nope, "but unfortunately I'm too busy at the moment."
"...and then, after the sweet Lady Henrietta left I..."
"Oh, god, do we have to listen to him recount his history?"
"Oh, beat it, ring boy. This is just starting to get interesting."
"...remember the time in the closet with a stranger in Moscow..."
"I'm confused."
"No surprise there then."
"Shut up, Nope."
"Yes, Boss." Nope threw a snappy salute.
" '...gone too soon, Billie Jean.' So I said, 'why you wanna trip on me..."
"Why would anyone actually want the statue?"
"Because they have no taste?"
"And why didn't Jackson just steal it himself in the first place?"
"Because we were stupid enough to do it for him?"
"And why are we just standing here listening to the guy drone on?"
"Because of the giant winged monkeys?"
"Damn. I hate questions with obvious answers."
"Have you noticed how many Michael Jackson song titles there are in this chapter?"
"That might explain why nothing's happening."
"...then I met Tracy on the ferry back from Staten Island. I was still awaiting Lady Henrietta's return, but she's out of my life and while that's too bad, Tracy was a real thriller. Dangerous, you know. Being with her was like being young again; she brought back my childhood! When I looked at myself, I barely recognized the man in the mirror. Everything started to come together. I told her 'the way you make me feel, I just can't stop loving you!' I promised her anything she wanted if she'd be mine! Anything at all!"
"You offered her anything and she wanted the Skunkpuss?!"
Michael ignored him. "Once I give her the statue, the girl is mine!" He leapt up from his throne momentarily, grabbing his crotch, pointing at the stars and grimacing.
"I think we've got the point by now," sighed Jason.
"Unfortunately, I'll have to leave you trapped her until she agrees to be mine. And then I'll have to kill you."
"Well, you would, wouldn't--" began Nope. He was cut off by as an alarm began blaring and lights began flashing. The flying monkeys started shrieking. "Umm, is that good or bad?"
"What do you think?" Jason cuffed Nope across the back of his head. "Dummy."
A painting on the wall rose smoothly into the ceiling, revealing a large security monitor.
"How could they?! They don't care about us," wailed Michael. "Someone's stolen the Skunkpuss!"
"A-again?!" stammered Jason. "How contrived can this plot get?"
"Gee," said Nope, grinning, "doesn't that make you wanna scream?"
"So, who is it," asked Jason, "I mean, this time around?"
Michael fiddled with the remote control built into the arm of his throne. The picture began to change, flicking form one security camera to the next, until finally... "Bubbles?"
"The monkey?!"
"A case of 'Et tu Bubbles', eh?"
"You're not funny, Nope."
"You have to get it back," cried Michael, "or I'll lose my one chance at true love. I can't let her get away, she drives me wild!"
"Umm, no?" suggested Nope.
"I'll pay you two million dollars (or its equivalent in the currency of your choice)!"
"We're heroes," proclaimed Jason. "We don't work for money."
"Hey! I do!" Nope pulled a contract from his pocket, penned 2 million in the appropriate space and held it out.
"Hey, you can't do that!" Jason grabbed it. "That's a breach of the Superhero's Union policy!"
"It is?" Nope considered this. "Goog."
"If you won't help me," threatened the Jackson, "I'll have you sliced, diced and fed to my winged monkeys. Though if you're really lucky, I'll sing for you first."
"Oh, good," muttered Nope. "Look, Mike, why don't we--"
"No, wait, I've changed my mind," interrupted Jason. "We'll help you."
"We will?!" Nope raised a surprised eyebrow.
"Yes, Nope, we will." Jason gave him a significant look. "We'll help him."
"Ohhhh, I see." Nope grinned. "Yes, of course we'll help you."
"So," continued Jason, "We'll just be leaving now. To go and look for the monkey, obviously. And when we find him, we'll come straight back here, no problem."
"That's very humanitarian of you," said Michael, "but unnecessary of course: I'll be coming with you."
"D'oh!"
Jason slapped a hand against his face.
"So," said Nope into the silence that followed, "Forty dollars?"
Chapter 7: PARTS UNKNOWN (man, we've beem here a lot, haven't we?)
Smooth CriminalsThe hunt for the twice-stolen Skunkpuss had gotten easy this time. The mage Jacksonwas acting as a distraction to lure the shock troops aweay, leaving Jason and Nope free to storm the mansion.
Soon...
"There it is. The Skunkpuss."
"Nope, it's not even in a case. And there's a nice white light shining down on it."
"Your point?"
"This is a trap. Anybody can see this is a trap. Bubbles was being used...but by whom?"
"BY ME!!!"
Jason and Nope turned around. An Asian man, mid-30s, with mustache and jacket pointed a finger at the duo.
"And who the heck are you?" Jason asked in a demanding voice.
"Yeah, and why did you steal the Skunkpuss?" added Nope, trying to place the face.
"I was once of the Yakuza, the Japanesse Mafia. I have expanded my operations to theft. They threw me out because they never took me seriously."
"And why would that be?" Jason replied, also trying to remember where he saw the stranger.
"Because of my lineage. Becuase of my height. Because I like to play with my pet monkey."
"Holy spit!" shouted Nope. "You're...you're..."
"I AM SPRIDLE RACER, FOOLISH GAIJIN!!!"
Jason and Nope looked at one another, then broke out into laughter, tears coming down their faces.
"STOP THAT!!"
"I'm sorry," Jason sobbed, as he tried to hide his tears. "But you were SO lame in that cartoon!!"
"And what was the deal with that monkey?" Nope laughed, staggering on the floor, in convulsions. "What ever happened to Chim-Chim anyway?"
A low growling sound filled the air. Jason and Nope stopped laughing to see a figure moving in the shadows behind Spridle.
"One day, I got out of the trunk of the Mach 5, and I forgot to let him out. A week later, my brother Speed crashed after smelling the decaying fun of my beloved pet. The damage to the Mach 5 was extensive, as Pops kicked me out of the house. That was his answer to everything. You think there were only three Racers? Ha! Pops had several older kids who he smacked around before he threw them out.
"The Yakuza welcomed me at first, but they insisted that I stay in the trunk during hits. I hated the damn trunk. And I insisted that Chim-Chim come along, even though he was dead. They kicked me out as well.
"I then met a rogue scinetist, who restructed Chim-Chim, and managed to enhance him. From our friendship, I was now enamored of all apes. I recruited Bubbles after a fight with Jackson. I need the Skunkpuss so that Tracey may grant me my greatest wish...THE DEATH OF THE RACER FAMILY! HA HA! HA HA HA HA!!"
Jason and Nope crooked their eyebrows. "Okay..." they responded simultanously.
"CHIM-CHIM!! ATTACK!!"
The abomination struck quickly, seizing both heroes by their necks. Jason flalied around, arms and legs failing to connect with Chim-Chim's body.
WHOOM!!
Nope, on the other hand...
"EEEEEEAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
The beast staggered, metallic enhancements scrapping against the walls, screaming in pain. "Ya HAD to kick him in the yahoos, didn't you?" Jason shouted.
"Like you had a better idea, fearless hero?"
Jason picked up the Skunkpuss, wondering if he should glue it to his hand this time. "Let's book."
"WAIT! WHAT ABOUT ME??" shouted the dimiuative Spridle.
Jason and Nope looked at one another.
"Fifty?"
"Why not?"
* * * FIVE MINUTES (and one Atomic Wedgie) LATER...
"So, I see you got what I want," said Michael, brushing himself off. "Now, would you mind giving it to me?"
"Well...me and the Nopester were talking, and we want to know WHY you want it."
"This is the thing...never in my live did I love a woman, until I met Herietta. She was like me, a child star burnt out before her time. She asked for a wish, and so in love I was with her, I gave it to her.
"She turned into a seven-foot tall beefy man. It turned out that was her natural form all along. But I still lvoed her. The others meant nothing to me. Not even Lisa Marie, or that woman I'm alledgly married to right now.
"Then, I came across the Skunkpuss. To return it would mean to get a wish from the one you know as Tracey. And I want Henrietta back in my life...forever."
"Waitasec," Jason said. "But don't you dig...oh, I dunno...LITTLE BOYS?"
"Yeah," Nope caught on fast. "Don't you like kids, you pedophile. Don't you get a chubby from Teletubbies?"
"LIES! ALL LIES!!"
"Besides, Hank's a friend of ours..."
"...and Tracey can bring him back, so great is her power. You do know what it's like to fall in love, don't you?"
"I'm still curious about that myself."
"Me too, Noper. So...I'm afraid we're taking this thingamajig back to Tracey."
Jackson's eys glowed with power. "Like Hell!!"
Two blasts shot from his hands, and the heroic duo dissappered.
* * * In the sky, two figures are falling. At 80,000 feet, they accelerate at 9.8 miles per second squared, dropping at a fantastic speed. One thing's for sure...even if you're not a physics grad, you know that when these two hit land, it's gonna hurt...
"WHAT THE GOOG WERE YOU THINKIN', RING BOY???" one shouts at the other, as the wind tears through their respective sets of ears. "WE SHOULD'VE NEVER HAVE TRUSTED HER!!"
"ME? WHAT WAS I THINKING? YOU WERE THE ONE FAWNING OVER HER, YOU JERKWEED!!"
"WELL, EEEEXXXXCCCUUSSEEEE ME!!! SO, WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GONNA DO NOW??"
"YOU KNOW WHAT?? SCREW THE BET. YOU WIN. YOU GOT FIFTY BUCKS. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!!"
He points his ring finger skyward, envisioning a giant parachute. Nothing.
"WHAT THE HELL??!? RING ISN'T WORKING!!"
"HEY...I CAN'T PUSH EITHER!!"
The two stared at each other, the same words part from their lips.
"NOW WHAT??"
Chapter 8:
Instant Creative Synergy (or: made up on spot)"Wait," said Nope, "I have another plan."
"You do? Well, gee," said Jason. "Is this one better than your 'Panic and die' plan? Or your 'Flap our wings like birds' plan? Or your 'forget to hit the ground' plan? Or your..."
"Hey, I quite liked that 'forget to hit the ground' plan."
"You stole it from a Douglas Adams novel."
"True." Nope grinned. "But this one's even better."
"Let me hit the ground soon," prayed Jason. "Please."
"I call it the 'Bill and Ted' plan."
"Oh, god." Jason clapped his face in his hands. "Let him hit first. Give me that at least."
"No, it's quite simple. After we get out of this, I'll simple borrow the JSTF's cosmic treadmill, go back before we made the bet, and hide two flight rings in my back-pocket where I won't find them till now."
"Oh, come off it," exclaimed Jason. "That's ridiculous, you can't just--"
Nope pulled a couple of gold rings from his back pocket. Each was marked with the logo of the Legion of Super-Heroes. He tossed one across and slipped the other one off. "Now, how do these things work again? Oh, yeah, I remember."
The two heroes went suddenly from plummeting towards certain death to, umm, not plummeting towards certain death.
"Excellent," grinned Nope, playing air guitar.
"I don't believe--" began Jason.
Nope clapped a hand over his mouth. "That's not a very sensible idea, is it?"
"Oh. Right. So..." Jason scratched his head. "What do we do now?"
Nope pointed. They flew down to the ground.
"I guess we better go get the Skunkpuss back," said Jason.
"Yes, we could do that," agreed Nope. "Or we could just go home."
"Oh, come on, Nopester. I want to meet this Tracy woman. Besides, aren't you the least bit annoyed that Michael Jackson just tried to kill you?"
"Hmm, there is that."
"If only we had someway to track the statue," sighed Jason.
"Oh, that's easy. We'll just go back and hire Arbunkle to steal the statue and plant a tiny radio transmitter on it, and then leave the locator inside this bush here." Nope stuck his hand into the bush and pulled the device out, wincing as twigs scratched his hand. It began to beep. "Got a reading."
Jason watched this with a thoughtful expression. "Hey, can anyone do that whole time thing?"
"Hmm? Oh, probably."
"Right. In which case, there's a Cadillac in that grove of trees over there, the keys to which are hidden under that pile of small rocks." Jason kicked the pile over and picked the keys up. "All right!"
* * * "It's moving left -- no, wait, right!"
"Make your mind up," yelled Nope, sliding the car right, whipping the wheel left to stop the car rolling and finally straightening up in a maneuver that left streaks of rubber trailing behind them.
"Holy-- Gaah! Look out for that-- Don't be a fool, we'll never fit between those--" The safety handle bent under Jason's white-knuckled grip as sparks flew off the wing mirrors. "How the hell did you get your licence?!"
"Licence?"
"You do have a licence, right? Tell me you have a licence."
"Umm, does lying count?"
"Goog."
"Hey, you let me drive." Nope pulled a hard left, bounced the car up onto two wheels and slid it through the gap, dropping flat on the other side. Jason tried not to scream. "Sheesh. If you're that nervous, stick up a force-bubble around the car."
"I would if I could," muttered Jason.
"Ring still not working, huh?"
"Nuh-uh."
"Kinda invalidates our bet, though, doesn't it. Maybe you're just doing it wrong?" Nope took his hands of the wheel to grab Jason's arm and divest him of the power-ring. Jason yelped, grabbing first at the wheel and then at the ring.
"I've always wanted one of these babies," he told Jason conversationally while holding him away with a foot on the Green Lantern's midriff. "Now, you just concentrate, right?"
"It's not going to work, you--" There was a minor glow at first and then, without warning, the car was surrounded by a skin-tight emerald shield.
"Not as easy as I thought," announced Nope. "Still..." The shield became a bubble, lifting the car from the ground. They began to accelerate in the direction of the locator.
"Whuh--" managed Jason.
"Hmm." The bubble altered shape, becoming more aerodynamic.
"Will you stop that?!"
Nope's eyes glazed over and the bubble vanished. Bereft of support, the car dropped; fortunately they were less than six foot off the ground and the landing, though jolting, caused no injury.
"Woah," said Nope after a moment. "So that's what it feels like. From the other side, I mean."
"What what feels like?" asked Jason, rubbing at his temples. "Man! My head hurts."
"Isn't it obvious?" Nope grinned. "Your ring only works for me, and my own personal talents..." He trailed off significantly.
"Yes?" asked Jason after it became apparent that Nope wasn't going to continue.
"You've got mine, I've got yours." He whooped. "Isn't this cool?"
"No."
"Hey, cheer up!" Nope gestured and the seats around them were suddenly filled with glowing green clowns. "This could be fun."
"Yeah, you can get us killed."
"Oh, please. Your just jealous 'cos I'm better with this thing than you are."
"Yeah, right." Jason snorted. "Like your power's so hard to use."
"That sounded like a challenge, Ring-boy."
"Well, maybe it was, Nopey-wopey."
"Okaaay," drawled Nope, considering. "Double or nothing, I can use your powers better than you can use mine."
"A hundred dollars?!"
"Sure."
"I just know I'm going to regret this."
"That's because you know you're going to lose."
"I can't believe I'm doing this."
"Loser."
"You are so immature."
"Lo-ooo-ser."
"All right, already! Double or nothing."
The shook on it. Nope's grin was decidedly evil.
Chapter 9:
The Future's So Dumb, I Gotta Wear ShadesJ Street Files
Entry 208I've always had a way for attracting the weirdest stuff. Even before I got my power ring, I would find myself in weird situations. Becoming a Green Lantern only multplied that aspect. If my high school had given out awards in the yearbook, I would've gotten "Most Likely to Wake Up In a Hotel Room With a Dead Hooker and No Idea How She Got There."
Case in point...a bet between myself and Nope has gotten way out of hand. We've encountered mob bosses, the JLA, Spridle and Chim-Chim, and Micheal Jackson, who...in another world...was a magician on the scale of Copperfield. How did he prove this? He jammed our powers. Or, at least that was what I thought. Since we weren't using our powers, we would've never known that somebody had turned them off.
Then Nope starts using my ring, and I begin to get a massive headache. Oops, MJ swapped powers, not took them away. I gain Nope's hypnotic powers, while he wields my power ring.
So anyway, we lost the trace on the Skunkpuss, so we went back to J Street. On my insistance, Nope used the Cosmic Treadmillto make all the stuff that we thought up come true. Meanwhile, back at the JSTF HQ, I discovered I had a new problem...
* * * He had been running for 15 minutes now. Around and around and around and around...
"JANE!"
WHOOSH!
"STOP!"
WHOOSH!
"THIS!"
WHOOSH!
"CRAY!"
WHOOSH!
"ZEE!"
WHOOSH!
"THING!"
WHOOSH!Impulse was the fastest kid on J street once. Now he was a dervish, running in a circle. And the worst part was, he didn't know why.
Jason crouched down, covering his eyes. "Let me guess," he started, as Dr. Od handed his a set of papers. "Somehow, this is my fault, right?"
"I'm afraid so. Although you maintain control over your power ring, your new abilities have created a new problem. Basicilly, every stray thought could influence those around you in ways you can't imagine."
"Like I get a craving for Chinesse food, and I look at Buried, right?"
Almost on cue, Buried Alien ran to the enterance of the JSTF HQ, then ran away, screaming the whole time. "And how long is he going to do that? Going to the Imperial Palace Restraunt and back, I mean." Jason muttered.
"Another ten minutes. Fifteen at most."
"Great. Well, one thing about this whole thing...it can't possibly get any worse."
"Hi guys!"
The voice...Jason recognized it immediately.
Joanna.
"Jason? How are you today?"
Then a thought occur to him. What if eye contact was made? Impulse and Buried had been running ragged for a half-hour. It was like Jason's Id had come to life. He could convince anybody to do anything without saying a word.
ANYTHING.
WITHOUT HIM EVEN WANTING IT!
"Phannie! Hi!" Jason sputtered, looking directly at the celing. "What's up?"
Joanna raised an eyebrow. "What's with you?"
"Oh, that? Well, I...hurt my neck! Yeah, that's it! I slept on it wrong! The good doctor is gonna correct that!"
Both eyebrows raised. "Oookkaaayyy..."
As she walked off, Jason let out a small yelp. "God, that was close. Do you have the googin' goggles or not?"
Dr Od reached into his pocket, and pulled out a pair of dark glasses. "I hope you realize the trouble I went through. It was hard finding your prescription eyewear.."
"I know, man..." Jason put on the glasses, and opened his eyes. Get down on your knees and bray like a donkey, he thought, feeling the burning in his eyes.
"Do they work?"
Yepper. Thanks, Newgger..."
Just then, Nope arrived, astride a giant glowing green dragon. "Hello gents!" he shouted, as he dismounted. "How are you this fine day?"
"Bite me."
"Very mature, Jason. Anyway, I got good news. I found where the Skunkpuss is. It's in a never-never land labeled Limbo."
"Don't believe I've heard of it," remarked Dr. Od.
"It's the waiting place for out-of-print comic book characters." Jason perked up, glad to play the expert. "During the time known as Scatterday, the Temporary Guy landed there. He quelled an attempt by Ben Reily to take over J Street, and he brought Apache Chief over here for a spell."
"Apache Chief?" sputtered Nope. "Super Friends Apache Chief?? 'Me Speakum Un-PC' Apache Chief?!?"
"Yeah."
"Excuse me?" asked Od. "But why are you trying to find the Skunkpuss?"
Jason began, "If Jackson gets to Tracy, she has to grant him a wish. He wants Hank back, but as Hennrietta."
"But if we give the statue to Tracy, she has to grant us a wish!" Nope continued. "Hell, if she's got enough power, she could even bring Hank back to J Street!!"
"Of course, we'd have to run this by the rest of the Pantheon..."
"...and they'll find another way of doing it..."
"...and Hank'll be back without our help."
"But maybe Tracy'll give me special favors, if you know what I mean!! Wink wink! Nudge nudge!"
"Nope?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you want me to take the glasses off?"
"Sorry..."
Chapter 10
In Which Nothing Of Significance HappensJ Street, as people are wont to mention, is an omni-dimensional bubble of infinite length. One of the many side effects of this, apart from major profits for real-estate dealers, is that it contains portals to every world you can imagine and many you can't. Thus, one can virtually guarantee that, no matter where (or when) you want to go, there will always be a convenient portal somewhere.
And therein lies the crux.
The disadvantage of an infinite length is that it is, well, infinite. And unless you're Joe Grendel (or one of that ilk), that's a goog of a lot of ground to cover to find a single exit. Think 'needle in a haystack', with a needle the size of a lepton and a haystack the size of the Horse-head Nebula, and you're still not even close. So if you're looking, say, for one of the many alternate versions of Limbo, the best method to use is not, as some would have it, blind luck.
* * * "AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"
"Oh, stop screaming, Borelli."
"YOU'RE GOING TO GET US KILLED!"
"Look, all I said was -- Oops, giant, radioactive, killer bats at four o'clock!"
Zzrrrrrrrrrrakkkk!
"Uggh!"
"Sorry!"
"Oh, great. Not only am I balanced over sudden and certain fiery death, I'm COVERED IN BAT-GUTS!"
"I said I was sorry. Hey, shouldn't this ring run down, or something?"
"Yes, eventually," said Jason. "Don't think I haven't noticed you just changed the subject, Nope."
Nope carefully ignored him. "I've been using it almost constantly, and it hasn't even wavered. Odd. For that matter, I've never been able to do that hypnotic trick on speedsters."
Jason, attempting to brush the gore off himself, made no comment.
"Unless our different approaches to each other's powers has altered their reach and extent." Which means, continued Nope to himself, Jason can do something with my powers that I can't. Goddess, how embarrassing!
"Geez, I think the smell just got worse," moaned Jason, breaking the silence. "Are you sure we're--"
"I'm doing quite well, considering," interrupted Nope. "I'm not Joe Grendel, you know. I can't just close my eyes, spin around and point the right direction, you know."
"Then," hissed Jason, "Why didn't you just ask him, instead?"
Nope blinked. "You know, I didn't think of that."
"YOU'RE INSANE!"
"Hey, I'm not the one with his own personal couch at the local shrinks."
"And just what is that supposed to mean, Callahan?"
"It means, you're a complete and total screwball, Ring-boy."
Jason blinked, speechless.
"Keep moving," sighed Nope. "I want to be out of here before that frog wakes up again."
"Look, sure, I have my problems, but--"
Nope let out a bark of sarcastic laughter. "You like being screwed up. It's who you are."
"Oh, come on, are you telling me you have no doubts?" asked Jason, with just the smallest note of pleading in his voice. "Ever?"
"Umm..." Nope thought about this. "Sure. All the time in fact."
"You do?!" Jason's face twisted in a mask of shock.
Nope grinned. "Doesn't everyone?"
"But, but--" Jason stopped, started again: "So, I mean, what do you do about it?"
"Forget about them and carry on with whatever I was doing."
"Just like that?"
Nope shrugged. "Well, generally I start from the principle that I can do anything and kind of work my way from there."
"What?!"
"Can we keep moving, please?"
"That's the most stupid, arrogant thing I've ever heard."
"Hey," exclaimed Nope, indignant, "I'm here aren't I?"
"I think that proves my point," muttered Jason.
"Alright, so I make the occasional mistake. I thought it was cubicle six."
"IT WAS!!"
"It was? Ahh." Nope rubbed at his chin. "Maybe it was actually nine I was looking for, then."
"Oh, god, we're all going to die."
"Oh, relax, will you? Trust me, you're not going to die while there's still a chance I can get money out of you. " Nope grinned, examining the readout on the small device he had in his hand. "Here's our stop."
"What? Where?"
"Down," said Nope, pushing Jason off the edge. Borelli's scream vanished along with the Green Lantern. "I hope," he added, once his companion was safely out of earshot. Taking a deep breath, he stepped off the cliff edge and flew down and out of that particular world and this particular chapter...
Chapter 11:
They are not a couple...Limbo
The May Parker Recreation CenterThere is a place in the multiverse that is unique. When the portals between Earths close via cancellations of comic books, part of the spirits of the disenfranchised characters wind up here. The unused, the unknown, the unpopular are all here.
"Eric? Why are we here?"
Eric stared at his friend. "You should know. We've been over this for the last few months."
"No no no. Why are we here? When Fabes drove us here, he told us, 'Hey, I love you guys. We love you guys. Acclaim loves you guys. It's just that the company's doing a little reshuffling, but I'll come back for you soon.' Then we hear he's bolted for Marvel, and look who he hooked up with."
The blonde male with the goggles and spandex outfit (and a leashed goat, but we won't get into that today) pointed at the corner of the room. A bespectacled old man was talking to a 30-something mutant with wild hair and bad taste in trenchcoats.
"Now, Mr. LeBeau, let's try it again," the teacher commenced. "'The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.' Try it."
Remy LeBeau, the "hero" known as Gambit sputtered. "Ze rain in Spain fall mainly on ze plane, mon ami."
The teacher rolled his eyes. "Better."
Woody Van Chelton sighed. "We're trapped in Limbo, Eric. No hopes. No dreams."
"Come off it, Woody. I saw you last week, drilling holes into the ladies' shower."
"Eric, that was my weekly nipplege fix! That was nothing! Besides...I saw Red Tornado naked. Ma Hunkle, Eric." Woody paused to shudder. "Ever see a eighty-year old fat lady nekkid? It's never coming out again."
Eric Henderson, the once and future hero known as Quantum, chuckled softly to himself.
"THIS ISN'T FUNNY, ERIC!! Cripes, even Priest abandoned us! What the hell else could go wrong?"
Just then, a portal shimmered into view, and two figures landed on Woody.
Jason shook his dazed head. "What the goog did I land on...Ohmigod! It's Wood-"
"Never mind! We got a statue to find!"
"But-"
"Let's GO!!"
Jason sighed as he followed Nope out of the rec room, and into the streets.
And Woody laid crumpled on the floor. "Kill me," he muttered to his best friend. "Just...kill...me..."
* * * "Nice place, eh, Jason?"
"Shyeah. But I wouldn't wanna live here!"
The skies were forever gray, and opportunities were scare for many characters. On this day, however...
A odd British man, who looked like the type who could kill a lot of people (re: "He was such a quiet man. Never distrubed us for a minute.") drove in on a pickup truck. Hundreds of brightly colored characters crowded around him.
"Ease up," he shouted. "Now, I need at least five characters for my book. You...what do you do?"
The man in the spiffy suit gulped. "Well...I drove a cab in space, and had a lot of adventures back in the sixties. My man was Space Cabby."
The man looked into the Cabby's eyes. "What the hell? Get in."
Space Cabby did a dance of joy, before heading into the pickup. "Who else? You, in the Green Lantern costume. You are...?"
"I was in one issue of GREEN LANTERN CORPS QUARTERLY," the purple-tinged alien spoke up. "I was a Green Lantern and a vampire hunter. My name's Ash."
"Wait...Tony told me about you. Okay...you're in. But you'll need a new name..."
Jason and Nope stared at the scene. "Surreal," Jason muttered.
Onward they walk, past communties of defunct companies, seldom-used villians, and the Space Canine Patrol Agents (whose continously repeated motto of "Big Dog! Big Dog! Bow Wow Wow! We'll Crush Evil...Now, Now, Now!" would haunt Jason for at least two weeks.) Finally, the pinging of Nope's detector reached a deafening pitch.
"It's in here."
"Nope, I don't mean to doubt you, man, but doesn't this building look...a little familar?"
"Uh...I don't think it does. It looks like a giant guppy head, though. Unsettling, isn't it?"
"Right..."
They marched into what appeared to be a meeting room. There were 12 chairs, six on each side of a giant podium.
"Nope? Maybe it's your funky mind control powers blasting in my head making me paranoid, but seriously, I'm getting a bad vibe from this place."
"Nonsense," Nope spun around on a chair, obvlious to the wicked scratchmarks on the desk. "Obviously, this is a meeting place for a bunch of heroes, who got the Skunkpuss. We talk to them, get it bad, and-"
"Nope? You hear that?"
"Yeah. Let's hide!"
The duo dove under a desk, both making a funny face. "Smells like rancid monkey carcass, don't it, Jason?"
"Not even gonna ask how you came up with that. Now sssshhhh!!"
They paused quietly, as they heard footsteps. A famiiar voice echoed thorough the halls.
"All right, let's get this meeting started."
"Wait a minute! Somebody's been sittin' in my chair!"
"SSSsssomebody's been ssssitting in my chair!"
"Somebody was sitting in my chair...and THERE THEY ARE!!"
The desk was kicked to the side...and Nope and Jason found themselves surrounded.
Bizzaro.
Black Manta.
Brainiac.
Captain Cold.
Cheetah.
Giganta.
Grodd.
Riddler.
Scarecrow.
Sinestro.
Solomon Grundy.
Toyman.And Lex Luthor.
"So...you neophyte heroes found our secret headquarters, aye?" Luthor snarled in his purple and green suit. "Well...the Legion of Doom will make sure you never tell another soul ever again. Aha! Ahahaha! HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!"
Jason turned to Nope. "Told you this place was familiar!"
"Shut up."
Chapter 12:
We don' need no steenkin' JLA!"Seize them," exclaimed Luthor.
"Excuse me?" interrupted Nope. "I think if you're going to kill us and all, we really ought to be introduced. My card."
Luthor took it, turning it over suspiciously. "It's blank."
"Business is bad." A small smiled played across Nope's lips.
"Is that supposed to be some kind of joke?"
"Possibly. So," said Nope into the silence that was fast becoming long and drawn out, "anyone seen a statue recently?"
"What?!" snapped Luthor.
"I really don't think now is the right time for this, Nope," cautioned Jason.
"You know, statue?" Nope held out his hands, one above the other, palms facing. "About yea high, ugly as sin?"
"How do you know about the... Skunkpuss?!" demanded the Riddler.
Nope raised an eyebrow. "Was there any point to that totally gratuitous significant pause?"
"Let's just kill them," growled Black Mantra.
"Yes," echoed Cheetah. "Now you die!"
"Actually, now, we leave," said Nope. He reached up for his shades, then paused. Letting out a bark of self-conscious laughter, he glanced sideways at his companion. "Care to do the honors, Borelli?"
"Wha-- oh, right, yeah, let's--"
"Say, now." Nope's head whipped sideways, his fist suddenly bathed in an emerald glow. "You wouldn't be trying to sneak up on us, would you?"
The other man, brought up short, sneered "That ring doesn't scare me."
"Oh?" Nope raised an eyebrow. "And just who might you be?"
"That's Sinestro," hissed Jason. "Careful, Nope -- his yellow Qwardian ring is deadly. He even gave Hal Jordan a run for his money."
"Ahh," said Nope. Sinestro raised his ring hand and then screamed as a spinning emerald saw sliced through his wrist. The hand bounced off the floor amidst a shower of blood.
"Holy goog!" Jason went white.
"Whoops, kinda lost your hand there, Sinestro. Still," drawled Nope, "at least you didn't lose your head. Right?" He smiled, slowly.
"..." Sinestro managed, before passing out.
"You..." gasped Jason. "You..."
"Try to breathe, Ringo."
"When the hell did you turn into Joe Grendel?!" bellowed Jason.
"Wha--?"
"You goddamned psycho!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," sneered Nope. "Next time, I'll let him kill us, shall I?"
"That would save me the effort," agreed Luthor. "Alas, I doubt you truly mean to be so selfless." He gestured. "Rush him."
"I have a much better idea," said Nope. "Don't."
The Legion of Doom all began to gasp for air, pounding at the emerald globes encasing their heads.
It's true! Absolute power does corrupt absolutely! Jason thought. He's gone nuts; I've got to do something.
He never got a chance; despite being unable to breathe, Bizzaro barreled towards Nope who was frantically raising emerald armor around him. Even through the shielding, Bizzaro's hand managed to close around Nope's throat; lifting him off his feet and smashing him against the wall, Bizzaro's grip cut off his windpipe. Choking, Nope lost control of the ring and, with a sudden inrush of air, the others were released.
"Get... them..." gasped Luthor.
"Jase..." managed Nope, struggling against the crushing grip at his throat.
Jason reached up to pull off his goggles, meaning to command Bizzaro when Cheetah crashed into him, knocking him to the floor, growling.
"Get off!" He struggled as she forced his hands aside, leaning in to hiss in his face. Their eyes met as Jason snapped "Get off me!"
He winced as his skull started pounding; Cheetah's eyes went blank and she recoiled hard, almost leaping backwards. She bounced off Bizzaro's legs and crumpled as if she had hit a concrete wall.
"Get him!" bellowed Luthor, who was fast losing control of the situation and disliking it immensely.
Momentarily distracted, Bizzaro released his grip just enough for Nope to grab a lung full of air - and regain his concentration.
"Round two," he grinned.
The emerald light flooded the room before solidifying around Nope in a mock-Kryptonion battle armour. His punches, when they connected to Bizzaro's jaw, echoed like a sonic boom. In return, Bizzaro doubled his efforts, managing to bruise and cut Nope even through the ring-shield.
The distraction was enough for Jason to manoeuvre the unconscious Cheetah between himself and Captain Cold's freeze ray. As Black Mantra lunged for him from the other side, he twisted and coerced him into attacking his team-mates.
Soon, every member of the Legion of Doom were fighting each other, with the exception of Luthor staying out of harms way and Bizzaro who was fast succumbing to Nope's ring-aided strength.
This is the life, he thought, kicking the Superman clone in the stomach. A battle armour with the hitting power of the Hawaiian Puncher and the weight of Chihuahua Lad. Man, if I could find a way to mass produce these things I'd make a fortune! I could--
Bizzaro's uppercut interrupted the thought as it knocked him off his feet. Even through the armour the blow left his head ringing and the heat-vision follow through actually singed his jacket as his concentration wavered. Muttering obscenities, Nope redoubled the effort, altering the armour design to include heat-sinks and coolant wings. As an afterthought, he accessed the implanted files stored in his brain and added a couple of shoulder and wrist mounted laser cannons.
And so the battle continued: on one side, Jason dodged super-villains while adding occasional, helpful, hypnotic commands to the proceedings; on the other side, Nope and Bizzaro went head to head, blows echoing through the room; in the middle, Luthor watched and plotted.
Braniac was struggling inside a headlock by Black Mantra. Cheetah, out cold and covered in ice, was being used by Grundy to beat Scarecrow and the Riddler over the head. Toyman was being sat on by Grodd and yelling for his mother. All in all, Jason wasn't sure the last time he'd had this much fun. It was like a live, villain version of Super Street Fighter.
Hey, that gives me an idea, he thought.
With a final, climatic explosion, Nope knocked Bizarro down and for once the superman clone didn't get back up - which was just as well. The rings glow had began to dull. The last alteration to the armour had been nearly impossible and only just enough to take his opponent down; it was actually a relief to let the energy around him fade away.
"I think you'll find that's a bit premature."
Nope grinned at the bald man. "If you really think I need a GL ring to take you down, Luthor, you're even more arrogant that I expected."
"Not me," explained Luthor. He pointed. "Him."
Nope spun round. "Who the hell are you?" he demanded as the white skinned man lunged at him out of nowhere. He blasted the man in the stomach, but it had no effect and the ring light was beginning to flicker.
"Solomon Grundy crush puny ring man!"
"I'm afraid that he doesn't really feel pain," announced Luthor.
"No goog," muttered Nope, side-stepping Grundy's lunge and elbowing him in the kidneys for good measure.
"Do you have any last words before I have him kill you?"
Nope continued to address Luthor as he fought. "Just that- unf!" Nope twisted away, grabbing at his wrist and hoping like hell that it was only sprained and not broken. "--For a megalomaniac genius, you're not very smart."
"What?!" snapped Luthor.
"Haven't you wondered why no one other than me and you has spoken for ages?" Nope grinned as his double handed uppercut sent Grundy sprawling. He stepped in to break Grundy's kneecap with a kick, jumping back as, oblivious, Grundy made a lunge for him. "For that matter, haven't you wondered what's happened to my erstwhile partner?"
"*Ahem*," put in Jason, clearing his throat pointedly.
Luthor turned, expecting to find Borelli and instead coming face to face with the vacant expressions of his own Legion of Doom.
"Get him," said Jason succinctly.
"Goodbye," said Luthor, just as succinctly, vanishing in the flash of an otherworldly teleportation device (Don't leave home without one!). The Legion on Doom dived onto Grundy, powering him away. The sounds of their battle soon faded into the distance. Jason followed them outside to watch. When he returned, Nope was standing over Sinestro.
"What are you doing?" he demanded.
"Who, me?" Nope give him an innocent look, carefully pocketing Sinestro's yellow power ring before Borelli could notice he had it. "Just giving the guy a hand." The emerald ring on his fist began to pulse as he used it to re-knit bone, tissue and nerve endings together. "See? I'm not such a psycho after all."
"Putting his hand back doesn't erase the fact that you cut it off in the first place," snapped Jason.
"Hmm, that's a thought," he added, more to himself than Jason, and used the ring to fix his own wrist. He flexed his fingers, wincing. "Still hurts like hell though."
"That's it? You're just going to shrug off almost permanently maiming someone."
"Yep." Nope said, pulling the locator out of his backpack. "I've got a trace on the statue again."
"I don't believe you!"
"Look, a, he's a super-villain and, b, the operative word here is almost. It's not like he's hurt anymore, is it?"
"Well, no, but-"
"There you go then. Come on, we have a statue to find."
"I'm sure there's a flaw in your logic," muttered Jason.
"Oh, stop whining. Hey! If we're really lucky, someone will have stolen it again," grinned Nope.
And he left the room before Jason had a chance to reply.
"Umm, excuse me? Nope? Hey," said Jason, "what happened to Giganta? Why wasn't she mentioned at all?"
"Well, to quote Apache Chief," explained Nope, "no grow-um big inside. Big bang-um on head. Giganta go bye-bye."
"Oh." Jason thought about this. "Hey! Apache Chief would never say 'go bye-bye'."
"Oh, just shut up and get on with it..."
Chapter 13
The Hand of FateLIMBO
Jason stretched his arms out, as he watched an Ultraverse/Milestone pick-up softball game. "So...what's the mighty tracking device doing now?"
Nope bit into his hot dog. "Weird. This place is making the tracking difficult. Every time I get a read, it turns out I'm wrong."
"Just...freakin'...great."
Just then, a lad of almost sixteen tugged at Jason's shirt.
"And what the hell do YOU want?!?"
The youngster was taken aback. "I'm sorry, sir," he stammered. "But I couldn't help overhearing you and your friend. What is it you seek?"
Nope sighed, cleaning off the mustard from his face. "A statue, called the Skunkpuss. What, have you seen it?"
Jason rolled his eyes. "Nope, where the goog is this kid gonna-"
"Yes. Yes I have."
The one-time Lantern spit out the rest of his hot dog. "WHAT??!?"
"It is where my mentor live...a place called The Citadel."
* * * THE CITADEL
"So, this is the Citadel," Nope drawled, as he observed the towered building.
"Could we meet this mentor of yours?" Jason asked the youth.
"No need to come in...I will come out."
Nope and Jason's eyes opened wide. He hovered above both of them, yellow cape fluttering in the wind,. his golden helmet gleaming in what little sunlight Limbo had to offer. There was no mistaking this man.
"Dr Fate?" Nope's speech wandered out.
"Very good," the Doctor said, as he touched the ground. "Now, I have a question for the two of you..."
He held out his hand, and the Skunkpuss appear in an instant. "Is this the item you both seek?"
The duo nodded their heads.
"This is all I need to know. You can attack, now."
Before Nope could interpet that statement, he felt a kick to the head, which sent him reeling.
As Jason turned around to assist his comrade, a rope made of pure yellow magic bound him up.
"What...what the hell is this?"
"Fifty years. I gave my life and soul to my Earth. Then, one day, the Powers That Be decide, 'Hey, that Dr. Fate isn't so hip anymore. Let's kill his hosts, and give the helmet to some new punk we conjured up.' Just like that, I was gone, exiled to this Never Never Land.
"But now, I have the Skunkpuss. And now, I can reach Tracey. In exchange for the centuries-lost Skunkpuss, she has to grant me a wish."
Dr. Fate paused. "I'm going back. Back to the dimension known to you as the DC Universe. And I am going to exact my vengance upon the world..."
"Ahem."
Dr, Fate noticed the boy clear his throat. "Ah, yes. And I will be dropping off my student, Bucky Barnes, in the Mavrel Universe, to exact his own payback."
Nope laughed out loud. "I got kicked in the head...by BUCKY BARNES??!?"
"Don't laugh," Bucky snarled. "I've been here for thirty years. Everybody else got to come back. Jean Grey. Mr. Fantastic. Dr. Doom. Green Goblin. They all died, and came back. But not me. First thing I'm gonna do, is kick Steve's face in. Then I'm gonna find Baron Zemo, and beat the spit outta him, for his father killing me in the first place. Then I'm going on a hero killspree the likes of which has never been seen!"
Jason broke free from the magic ropes. "That does it. I have had a very bad few days. I'm been shot at, dropped from the sky, gotten smacked around repeatingly, and I've had to put up with this friggin' lunatic all the time. Now, I find a stinkin' Lord of Order trying to rule the cosmos."
Jason took the dark glasses off. "...and I HATE Lords of Order!!!"
Dr. Fate recoiled, as his mind felt like it was slipping away. But not quite.
"Nice try," he smiled under the helmet. "But the two of you are out of your league."
And, just like that, the two of them vanished...
* * * In the sky, two figures are falling. At 80,000 feet, they accelerate at 9.8 miles per second squared, dropping at a fantastic speed. One thing's for sure...even if you're not a physics grad, you know that when these two hit land, it's gonna hurt...
"I GOOGING HATE DEJA VU!!" shouted Nope. "BY THE WAY, WHY ISN'T THE RING WORKING??!?"
"AND I FEEL MY HEAD CLEARING UP!" Jason replied, as he flailed his arms. "AS A MATTER OF FACT..."
He grabbed Nopes arm, and they stopped in midair, perched on a green platform.
Nope raised both eyebrows. "How-?"
"I can control the ring from a distance. I'd take it off your finger, and back on mine, but I'm not 100 percent sure what would happen. So, until we hit soild ground, I'll have to hold your arm."
"Jason? You do realize what this means, right?"
"No, Nope. What?"
"I won."
"Won what...aw, shi-"
"I WON! I WON! ME BABY! NOT YOU!!"
"Okay...we'll settle this later..."
"What's there to settle? I won!! You used your power before I did, so I won! Yes!"
Jason rolled his eyes as Nope cabbage-patched on the platform. "Look, I don't think that counted."
"Yes it did!!"
"Look...cast your eyes upward. What do you see?"
"Some kind of gilmmering light...a portal?"
"Right. We go through there, we beat the spit out of Dr. Fate, we get the statue back. Then, we'll talk about the money."
"WHAT'S THERE TO TALK ABOUT??!?"
* * * One quick trip through the portal...
Dr. Fate was wiggling his fingers as only he could. Soon, the portal to Tracey's dimenion would be complete, and the gift-giving would begin. But...
"Hold it, bucko."
He lifted his head high. "YOU AGAIN???"
Jason smiled, as he aimed a ring-generated gun at the mage. "Drop the Skunkpuss. NOW!"
"Not so fast..."
Jason and Nope turned their heads.
"Alright, suckah," Michael Jackson shimmied up to Dr. Fate, his gloved hand inches away from Fate's face. "That statue's mine, fool. So hand it over, or I'll smoke ya!"
White smoke filled the room, as Jackson screamed for effect, grabbing his crotch with BOTH hands. Which served nicely to cover up the appearence of...
"Solomon Grundy ready to fix red wagons of Lantern and Nope!" the swamp monster bellowed, as the assembled Legion of Doom stood ready. "Then Legion of Doom get the Skunkpuss, and destroy Super Friends!!"
"Don't count your chcikens before they hatch, amigo..."
The assembled heroes and villains turned to find Diego Nieves, in his best three-piece suit, and four members of his squad, packing heat.
"You jerks stole the statue from me. I want it back. Now."
"What? No applause for the thief?"
Heads turned, as Jason notcied a twinge in his own neck.
"P.J. Arbunkle here. I want the statue back. And I hired help just for this job..."
The two figures emerged from the shadows. "I believe you two heroes know Spridle Racer and his companion Chim-Chim, correct?"
"Legion...attack!!!"
"Boys, hit these pallies where it hurts!!"
"All of you have drawn your last breath."
Jason and Nope sighed, as they jumped into the fray...
Chapter 14:
And, Finally..."I was first trained by Captain America himself," announced Bucky Barnes, hands drifting in an almost kung-fu motion, "and I've been practicing constantly since I was sent to this godforsaken place. I can kill you with a single blow."
"Not if I kill him first," screeched Cheetah from behind them.
"Uh-huh." Nope somersaulted up and backwards, crunching a foot into Bucky's jaw on the way past, hands grabbing Cheetah's shoulders as he twisted overhead, pulling her off her feet as he landed, pivoted and threw. Cheetah managed to scream once before she ploughed into Captain Cold, knocking the weapon from his hand and smashing him into the wall. Reaching out casually Nope caught Cold's ray gun, turned and fired it into Bucky's face as the ex-hero staggered back to his feet.
"Anyone el--" There was a whistling through the air and he ducked as Spridle Racer flew past on the receiving end of a giant emerald flyswatter. "Woah! Watch it, ring boy!"
"Sorry." Jason pivoted, raising his ring hand; the glowing boxing glove sent the Riddler sprawling at the feet of Jackson and Fate who were going toe to toe. The two magicians both glanced aside simultaneously and were therefore unprepared for when their spells went of in their faces. The smoke quickly hid them from view, but the continued explosions suggested neither had been very fazed by the experience.
"We can waste time taking them out one by one," yelled Nope, "we have to--" He broke off as Chim-Chim came rushing at him. "Hmm, grudge match?" Chim-Chim, drooling from scientifically enhanced fangs and leaving sparks trailing behind him as his cybernetic arms scraped along ground, ran straight past Nope and leapt at Grodd's back, sinking his teeth in. "Huh. You don't see that every day!"
"What did you say?" yelled Jason. "I can't hear you over the battle!" Giganta managed to pull herself back to her feet and staggered face first into a giant anvil. As an afterthought, an emerald grand piano blinked into existence in mid air, trembling for a moment before gravity lunged at it; it made a nice, Giganta sized crater in the Citadel floor.
"What?" yelled Nope. "Oh, never mind." Reaching out, he grabbed the handgun out of one of Diego's hands and hit him in the stomach with it. As the man doubled over, Nope used his back as a springboard onto the head of one of the man's comrades. Jumping from shoulder to shoulder, he headed towards the other hero. "Oops, 'scuse me, coming through, mind the gap."
"My ring, my ring," wailed Sinestro, "someone's stolen my ring!"
"Eat nail gun, pink head," yelled Arbunkle, pulling the weapon out of nowhere and firing. The recoil knocked him off his feet, spraying the nails randomly.
"Oh, sh--" managed Nope throwing his arms up in front of his face as he dived floor-wards. A couple of hundred things went "ka-poing" directly in front of him; somewhat surprised not to be suddenly full of holes, he lowered his arms.
"You can stop cowering now," said Jason.
"Yes, thank you for your words of advice, Mister magic-ring guy." Nope grinned. "Nice save, by the way."
"What are we gonna do? They're tearing each other apart! Someone's gonna get killed and it's likely to be us!"
"Look, we can't worry about them," said Nope, "we've got to stop -- Hey, where's Fate gone?"
"He was fighting Jackson, wasn't he?" Jason peered into the chaos. "I can't see him."
"Can't you make this shield thing any less opaque?"
Jason shook his head. "Not without letting everyone through it." He looked around, unconsciously flinching as the Scarecrow's fear gas grenades bounced off his shield. They rolled under the feet of battling monkeys, and everyone scattered as Grodd, Chim-Chim and Bubbles started running around screaming. "We're hopelessly outclassed! What are we gonna do? If Fate gets his way, everything will be lost."
"Oh, for--" Nope reached up and lowered his shades. "You'll thank me for this later."
"Thank you for wha--?" Jason's eyes glazed over as Nope intercepted his gaze.
"Meta-coercive redaction," explained Nope. "Or personality surgery, Nope style. Now, pay attention..."
There was a large explosion nearby and Solomon Grundy bounced off the shield, crumpling at their feet.
"Take that, you neanderthal!" bellowed Arbunkle. The ratchet on his BFG clunked as he swung it towards the fray. "You wanna piece of me? You wanna piece of me?!"
Black Mantra yelled wordlessly, jumping onto his back; the two tumbled to the floor, disappearing in a flail of limbs as yet more people piled in.
"Jase?" Nope clicked his fingers in front of the Green Lantern's eyes. "Yo, Borelli?"
"--at? Woah." Jason's confused expression dissolved into self-satisfied grin. "Whatever you did, it feels great. I feel great!"
"Umm," began Nope, a worried frown slinking into his features, "basically I just boosted your self-esteem, you see, and did some quick anti-inhibition stuff and, well, um, it will wear off you see, so, err..." He trailed off. "You're not listening to a word I say, are you?"
"Wow. This is really cool. This must be what it's like to be you all the time. No wonder you're a grade A psycho!"
"Well... Hey!"
"Ladies and Gentlemen," announced Jason, "My Hal Jordan impression."
Emerald energy flared. When it became possible to see again, only a handful of their opponents were still upright. Most were unconscious or bound and gagged with green energy.
"Take that, foul villain! Eat power-ring you minions of darkness!" Bellowing with laughter, Jason wondered through the crowd, bullets bouncing and ricocheting around the room. "Take that! And that!" Small, pointy eared demons began running around the room, prodding at the villains with tiny emerald tridents and giggling tiny green laughs.
"I think I may have over done it," muttered Nope. "Just a leetle."
He hurried after Jason as the Green Lantern climbed up to the platform where Jackson and Fate had last been seen. As they pushed their way through the smoke, they began to see a spinning whorl of yellow light. Nope tripped and, on looking, down, realized why.
"Well, I've found Jackson," he announced. "He's well out of it. Hey, Jacko? Jacko!"
"Not tonight, Bubbles," murmured Jackson, before slumping back to the floor.
"Now what?" asked Nope.
"Isn't it obvious," proclaimed Jason. "We go through the tunnel of light and confront this foul sorcerer, this diabolical Lord of Order!"
"Okay, fine," said Nope. "Lead the way. But if you start calling yourself Parallax, I'm leaving."
"Onwards," proclaimed Jason. "A glorious victory or a glorious death awaits us! And if the later should be, then today is a good day to die! VICTORY!!!" There was a gold flash as he changed into the swirling rift and vanished from sight.
"I think I preferred the old Borelli," muttered Nope. Taking a deep breath, he stepped through.
On the other side of the portal, Doctor Fate was striding along a corridor, the Skunkpuss carefully clasped in both hands. Mystical energy crackled and glowed around him in significant and dramatically advantageous ways.
Just a few more steps, he thought, and I shall have everything I could ever want, all in the palm of my hand. The other Lords of Order will never laugh at me again. And when I've done with them, I'm going to beat seven shades of goog out of that Spectre chap. I've even managed to take care of that annoying Bucky Barnes into the bargain. This is starting to look like everything's going to go my--
"Doctor, Doctor," yelled someone behind him, "people keep ignoring me!"
"What?" Fate spun around, Skunkpuss in one hand, a weird mystical nimbus glowing around the other. "You insolent--"
"The correct answer," interrupted Nope, grinning, "is 'Next'."
There was a muffled clang as a large emerald hammer connected with the back of the golden helm. Doctor Fate bounced once and collapsed, motionless, to the ground.
"Hammer-time," grinned Jason. "Get down."
Nope kicked Fate, but the Lord of Order was unconscious and thus failed to respond. "So, where are we anyway?" He looked around. "Looks like that palace thing again. You know, the Citadel of the City of Summer?"
"Umm, I don't think it's a palace," said Jason, pointing. "I think it's a restaurant."
The corridor ended in a pair of large wooden doors which were thrown open. Beyond them, they could hear the clinking of glasses, the chinking of cutlery and plates and the low hubbub of high society dinner. Tables spread out before them in every direction, stretching as far as the eye can see and then some.
"Wow," said Nope. "I bet the entree alone costs more money than I've ever had. Well, legally had, anyway."
A blond -- almost white -- haired woman walked towards them. She stood in a businesswoman's outfit, conservative, yet not leaving everything to the imagination. Long hair, long legs, right proportions -- the sort of measurements that made men want to take up mathematics.
"Good evening, Gentlemen." She smiled in that 'I'm incredibly beautiful and I know it' way some women have. "My name is Trazia Somerville, and I'm the owner of this restaurant."
"No kidding," said Nope.
"You are surely some nymph of the woods, or a Goddess incarnate," proclaimed Jason. "Your beauty fair outshines Aphrodite, my lady!"
"Why, thank you, sir. Do you have reser--" She broke off, gazing astonished at the statue in Jason's hands and letting out a small, excited whimper.
"ohmigod! You found the statue for me!" She gave a cute, victory hop 'n shuffle combo. "How can I ever repay you?!"
"Your gratitude is thanks enough, fair maiden," proclaimed Borelli gallantly. He held the statue out. "Behold, that which you have been seeking for so long!"
"Not so fast!" yelled Nope, pulling that Skunkpuss away. "What's so important about this damn statue anyway?"
"It's not the statue," explained Tracy, "it's what's in it."
"Is that so?" asked Nope. "How do you open it, then?"
"I can open it," proclaimed Jason. His eyes narrowed in concentration and Nope had only a second to toss the statue away before it exploded outwards into a billion smithereens. Tracy screamed and dived for the remains, but Nope got there first.
"What the goog is this?" He asked, picking a small piece of paper out of the wreckage.
"It's..." Tracy paused, half in awe, half in dramatic necessity. "...The Recipe!"
"You mean, this, all of this was over some recipe?!" Nope yelled. "Of all the moronic--"
"Not just any recipe," snapped Tracy, obviously insulted. "It's Joe Grendel's Chili recipe."
"How come he always manages to get into these things?" wailed Jason.
"That's a rhetorical question, right?" asked Nope.
"With that recipe, I'll make the Citadel of the City of Summer the best eatery in the omniverse! I'm willing to do anything," gasped Tracy, "anything to get my hands on that recipe."
"Anything?" Nope looked down at the recipe, up at Tracy, back down at the recipe, across at Jason and then back down at the recipe. A calculating smirk twitched at his lips. Nope looked back up, a devilish spark playing in his eyes. "Well, Miss Somerville--"
And with a smile just this side of evil he announced "I think we can come to some sort of an arrangement..."
"Basket Case"
Epilogue
Jase and da Nopester
Citadel Of The City Of Summer
The mob outside the restaurant was twenty men deep. They heard about the new item on the menu, and they came from all over to get a taste. But first, the proprietor and a special guest were checking to see how good it was...
"MMmmmmmm...oh yes..."
Jason smiled, as Tracey delighted in the taste.
"I'll have what she's having!" he smirked, as he bit into his plate.
"This will make me a fortune! I still cannot thank you and Mr. Callahan enough for this! But...is the chilli to your satisfaction?"
"What? Oh, I guess. I guess it's a nice chilli."
Tracey smiled. "Would it kill you to like something of Grendel's for once in your life?"
Jason thought about it for a second. "Yes. Yes it would."
Tracey laughed. "And you still have not decided what you wish from me?"
"I got so much stuff, yet I figure I can attain a lot of it easily, if I put my mind to it."
"Well...aside from having a complementary meal in this establishment, I will grant any wish you'll may have at any time."
Jason rolled his eyes. "Well...I just hope that dope Nope is enjoying his wish..."
* * * Callahan Studios Ltd.
The note had been left lying on the edge of her dresser and held down by the same exquisite and expensive looking sapphire bracelet that she was wearing now. Showing it (the note, not the bracelet) to the guard at the main gate had gained her both entrance to the studio lot and vague direction to one of the many warehouse type buildings in the distance.
At the side entrance, another guard pushed aside the "private screening" sign and opened the door for her with a mumbled "In 'ere Mis'm Cheyenne." She stepped inside.
Sitting in the middle of an almost empty theatre, the lights dimmed and a trailer already showing on the huge screen at the front, Nope was steadily working his way through a giant tub of popcorn and slurping on a super-supreme Coke. He looked up as the door opened, squinting at the sudden influx of light.
"Having fun?" she asked. "Thanks for the bracelet but would you mind telling me what's up with all this cloak and dagger stuff?"
"Hey! Ali!" Nope waved. "How's it going? Grab some popcorn and have a seat; you're never gonna believe what I've managed to snag a copy of."
"Try me." She made her way down the red carpeted stairs, causing one of the tubs of unbuttered popcorn to float her way with a casual gesture. "And it better be worth skipping lectures for."
"Uh-uh, you have to wait to see," returned Nope, grinning like a loon and waving a finger at her.
"What's going on?" Ali asked, not particularly amused.
"The film's about to start," moaned Nope. "Can't it wait?"
"The short version," compromised Ali.
"Okay," sighed Nope. "Jason 'Ringo' Borelli and I did someone a favor and in return got offered whatever we wanted." He turned back to the screen as if that explained everything. Ali reached out, turned his head to face her with a hand on his chin and stared at him until he started speaking again.
"So now, my Star Wars figure collection is complete, I've gained a few personal souvenirs and," Nope paused dramatically, "I get my very own private premier of the first three Star Wars episodes! Which is quite amazing considering they won't actually start filming two of them for years."
Ali's jaw dropped. "That's amazing!"
"Isn't it?"
"You could have anything you wanted and you asked for Star Wars souvenirs?"
Nope thought about this for a bit, then nodded. "Yep."
"Sheesh. I guess that explains the full size replica Millennium Falcon outside."
"Replica?" asked Nope, raising an eyebrow and grinning.
"Sweet Goddess. Don't even suggest flying home in that bucket of bolts!" Ali sat back, grabbing a handful of popcorn as the last trailer came to an end. Her hand paused half way to her mouth as she had a sudden thought. "So what did Jason ask for?"
"Ringboy?" Nope shrugged, watching the screen go black. "He's probably still trying to choose."
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
* * * "Of course...the one thing that chafes me is that I now owe Nopey all that lira. It just ain't right, y'know?"
Tracey grinned. A tall, handsome waiter handed Jason a phone.
"It's for you, sir."
Jason's eyebrows arched up. "Who would know I'm here?"
He started to talk into the phone. "Hello? Oh, hi! Haven't heard...what? Really? Things have been THAT slow? Oh wow...of course. I'll have it done tomorrow. Okay...bye..."
Tracey poured some hot sauce on her chilli, yet her mouth went without stain. "Another damsel in distress?"
"That was the J Street Tribune-Democrat-Daily-Times Herald. The talks with those striking kolboids has been going so slow, now they want me to write a first-person account of my story...for five...thousand dollars!"
She smiled. "That's great! Congratulations! And you can still pay Nope back, and have a little extra!"
Jason frowned. "Wait...was that you who did that? I didn't wish for THAT."
"Oh no, Jason. Sometimes when you're a hero...even one as hexed as you think you are...things just go you're way."
Jason smiled, as he sat back in the chair. "Yeah..."
Tracey walked over to the door. "I think it's about time to open this place up."
Jason grabbed her wrist. "Nah. Let them wait. Five more mintues. Please?"
Tracey thought about it for a second. "Okay."
The maddened crowd banged on the window as Tracey drew the curtain closed.
THE END.
The Players: Do you have the time to listen to me whine
About NOTHING and everything all at once
Jason Borelli/Green Lantern: Steve BuscemiI am one of those
Nope Callahan: Christian Slater
Tracey: Kim Bassinger
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone
No doubt about it
Aquaman: Kenneth BranaghSometimes I give myself the CREEPS
Huntress: Gina Gershon
Big Barda: Tsanina Joelson
Orion: Jay O. Sanders
Zauriel: Charlton Heston (voice)
Plastic Man: French Stewart
Steel: Ving Rhames
Batman: Alec Baldwin
Wonder Woman: Lucy Lawless
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
Lex Luthor: John SheaIt all keeps adding up
Bizarro: Tim Daly (voice)
Black Manta: Orenthal Simpson
Captain Cold: Arnold Schawenegger
Cheetah: Eartha Kitt
Giganta: Uma Thruman
Gorilla Grodd: Keith David (voice)
Riddler: Frank Gorshin
Scarecrow: Jeff Goldbulm
Sinestro: Christopher Walken
Solomon Grundy: Micheal Dorn (voice)
Toyman: Gilbert Gottfried
I think I'm CRACKING UP
Am I just PARANOID?
Am I just STONED
Diego Nieves: Cheech MarinI went to a shrink
P.R. Arbunkle: Kevin Spacey
To analyze my dreams
SHE says it's lack of sex that's bringing me down
Micheal Jackson: Mike Tyson (voice)I went to a whore
Spridle Racer: Chow Yun Fat
HE said my life's a bore
So quit my whining cause it's bringing HER down
Dr. Fate: Patrick Stewart (voice)Sometimes I give myself the CREEPS
Bucky Barnes: Kierin Culkin
Eric Henderson: Wesley Snipes
Woodrow Van Chelton: Woody Harrelson
James Robinson: Anonthy Hopkins
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm CRACKING UP
Am I just PARANOID?
Am I just STONED?
Casting by Jason Borelli and WIZARD magazineGrasping to CONTROL
Special Effects by Industrial Light and Magic
So I BETTER hold on...
Sometimes I give myself the CREEPS
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm CRACKING UP
Am I just PARANOID?
Am I just STONED???"Um...Jason?"
"Yeah, Nope?"
"Ever occur to you that maybe...just maybe...I'd like a favorite song of
mine to be played here?""Aw, shoot! But...I do have a solution..."
"What's that?"
"Outtakes."
"Very nice, I-OUTTAKES?!?"
Every day I spend my time
Drinkin' wine, feelin' fine
Waitin' here to find the sign
That I can understand
Yes I am."Hootchie..."
"...Papa!"
"Christian!!"
"Damn! What was the line?"
In the days between the hours
Ivory towers, bloody flowers
Push their heads in to the air
I don't care if I ever know
There I go"Welcome to the Citadel of the City of the Citadel of the blahblahblahHAHAHHA!!!"
"Cut! Kim, are you OK?"
Don't push your love too far
Your wounds won't leave a scar
Right now is where you are
In a broken dream"And Nope?"
"Yes, Jason?"
"Put the helmet back."
"Awww...(bleep)! Can't get this stupid {bleep) off!"
Did someone bow their head ?
Did someone break the bread ?
Good people are in bed
Before nine o'clock."OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!! MOTHER {bleep)!!"
"CUT! WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Gina pressed the trigger. Buscemi's got an arrow in his..."
"(bleep)! Who the (bleep) kept that thing loaded?!? Christ, working with Quentin was better than this!! OWW!"
On the pad before my eyes
Paper cries, tellin' lies
The promises you gave
From the grave of a broken heart
Hmm"How would you like some of my salami? Huh?"
"Cut. OK, who the (bleep) invited Burgess Meredith onto the set?"
Every day I spend my time
Drinkin' wine, feelin' fine
Waitin' here to find the sign
That I can understand
Yes I am...
~ fades out ~
"In a Broken Dream"
(AKA "Nope's randomly picked song")
Python Lee Jackson