FADE IN

Opening shot: A spacefield, dark and almost starless. The wreck of a ship drifts slowly into view, turning about its axis.

Cut to: Close-up of the ships ident. as it rotates below. It is the Nostromo.

We pan up and back as the ship rotates below us. Its hull is scarred and worn, pitted with holes, fractures and claw-marks. As the ships main lock rotates into view, we have pulled back far enough to show another ship approaching. As we hold the shot, the starship slows to a full stop.

A beam of violet appears, joining the two ships. Down through the light float two man in spacesuits.

Cut to: Close-up of ASTRONAUT1; Sunlight is reflecting off his visor. In the reflection we can see his comrade giving him the thumbs-up. Through the shadow we can just get a glimpse of his face. ASTRONAUT1 raises a hand, and slowly taps his face. We hear a burst of static, then over the radio

ASTRONAUT2 VO: Almost there.

Throughout the following scene we hear the breath of the ASTRONAUTs, amplified and distorted by the speakers.

ASTRONAUT1 VO: We're the first humans to see this ship in almost 1000 years.

ASTRONAUT2 VO: Any idea what happened here?

ASTRONAUT1 VO: No, but we'll soon find - wait, do you hear that?

ASTRONAUT2 VO: Hear what?

ASTRONAUT1 VO: Shhh.

SPEAKER VO: [strained and faint] ...it's four o'clock in the morning, and its four o'clock in the morning and its starting to get light... [the SPEAKER slowly fades away]

ASTRONAUT1 VO: Must be some kind of safety subsystem. Let's crack the hatch.

The two ASTRONAUTS land gently on the surface.

Cut to: gratuitous magnetic clamp boot shot.

Cut to: inside of air-lock. The lock slowly cycles open. Mist swirls around the seals then boils away into space.

ASTRONAUT1 VO: Most of the powers down.

ASTRONAUT2 VO: Lets check the stasis pods in MedLab. Someone must have set that homing beacon going. They may still be alive.

The ASTRONAUTS make their way along the corridor.

Cut to: MED-LAB. An ice covered stasis pod rests here. As the ASTRONAUTS enter, the Emergency Medical Hologram appears. His image is blurry and distorted, his voice modulating in pitch.

EMH: Please state the nature ovv yerrrrr murrrgennnceeeeeeee....

With that, the EMH blinks and goes out.

ASTRONAUT1 VO: Holosystem must have failed.

ASTRONAUT2 pulls the sheets away from the stasis pod and examines its screen.

ASTRONAUT2 VO: We've got green lights on this baby. The Stasis pod is A-OK.

ASTRONAUT1 VO: So, lets see who we've got.

ASTRONAUT2 wipes the ice away from the top of the stasis pod and its label.

Revealed, slowly at first, but clearing, are the face and name of STOMSKI. MEANWHILE - in a secret government installation...

CANCERMAN: So, Mr. Dougal, we meet at last.

DOUGAL: You'll never stop the Rebellion, CANCERMAN.

CANCERMAN: I won't stop the rebellion. You will. I intend to copy your mind into our new supercomputer and, with a bit of reprogramming, use you to destroy the world.

DOUGAL: What a really stupid plot line.

CANCERMAN: Don't knock it, it was the best I could come up with under these conditions - some one's stolen all my ciggarettes.

Cut To:

A Hospital Bed. Doctors are standing round it, STOMSKI is lying in it, and SLIPMATT is standing in the doorway, looking worried.

STOMSKI: Where am I?

The two DOCTORs glance at each other. They are perfectly identical. Throughout, however, DOCTOR1 will tutt, and DOCTOR2 will tap his pen on his clip-board.

DOCTOR1: [tutting] Post-injural amnesia, possibly sub-dermal hematoba?

DOCTOR2: [tapping pen on note pad] Non-anjioform encephalography? 2 ccs stat?

DOCTOR1: 4 ccs of thorizine? 1 PPB tri-chloro-benzl-ethidrone.

DOCTOR2: No, 2 CCG TSR PSORSPSSO.

SLIPMATT: [Looking worried.] Is STOMSKI going to be all right?

DOCTOR1: Stomski?

DOCTOR2: This is Stomski?

DOCTOR1: Then it's not Mr George Burns again?

DOCTOR1: Sorry, dreadful mistake.

DOCTOR2: Our apologies.

DOCTOR1: No, this patient is perfectly well.

DOCTOR2: Soon get him out of here.

DOCTOR1: No point wasting the bed you know.

DOCTOR2: Now, where did we leave that Mr Burns?

The two DOCTORs exit the room, and throught the remainder of the scene, faintly in the background we can hear them calling for Mr Burns.

SLIPMATT: So. You're awake.

STOMSKI: Yes, but you still haven't told me where I am.

SLIPMATT: Well - I think you should brace yourself for a shock. The good news is, you're in a hospital on Earth. The bad news is, you've been missing for almost a millenium.

STOMSKI: You what?

SLIPMATT: That's right. 1000 years.

STOMSKI thinks about this for a bit.

STOMSKI:What, like, a thousand years?

SLIPMATT: That's right. 10 centuries. 100 decades.

STOMSKI: Let me get this right. I've been missing for a thousand years.

SLIPMATT: [sighs] Yes. You have been missing for a thousand years. For years,a thousand of, missing have you been.

STOMSKI thinks about this for a bit.

STOMSKI: [with a puzzled look] But if I've been missing all that time, how comes you're still here?

SLIPMATT: [looking kind of embarresed] I er... Well, er... Well, I kinda borrowed the immortality serum off the set of Babylon 5. Well, it was just lying there...[coughs] Anyway, that's not the problem.

STOMSKI:Oh? What is the problem. And, while I think about it, why was there a deadly xenomorph aboard that ship?

SLIPMATT: Well, it happened like this....

INTERLUDE: A cafe, somewhere in downtown DETROIT

Green people walk past, extrouding roots.

OLDMAN1: Those POD PEOPLE again.

OLDMAN2: Ayup.

END INTERLUDE...

Strange Flashback Sequence begins.

A small dark room. SLIPMATT and the CANCERMAN are here.

CANCERMAN: Now, they will be destroyed.

SLIPMATT: You'll regret it.

END of Strange Flashback Sequence.

STOMSKI: That was the most useless flashback sequence I've ever seen.

SLIPMATT: Yes sorry about that, my memory isn't what it used to be.

STOMSKI: So the CANCERMAN was the one to sabotage the ship.

SLIPMATT: That's right. I tried to force him out after the Nostromo disaster but he seized control of our new mega-computer and used it to take control of the world. We, the secret underground Happy Hardcore Rebellion, have been trying to destroy it. But we need your help.

STOMSKI: I'll see what I can do.

SLIPMATT: I've arranged a task force for you.

STOMSKI: Really, who?

Enter MC Enn. He's wearing a black jumpsuit with the letter N embrodiered on it in silver.

SLIPMATT: Here's MC Enn.

STOMSKI: Cool.

SLIPMATT: And here's MC Oh.

Enter MC Oh. He looks exactly like MC Enn, only the N is an O.

STOMSKI: Ermm...

SLIPMATT: And MC's Pee, Queue, Arr and Ess.

Enter the rest. They all look the same except for the different letters on their jumpsuits.

STOMSKI: I seem to be seeing double. Er... septuple, actually.

SLIPMATT: Oh, yes, I forgot to tell you. There were so few people to join our cause, that we had to clone the few that did. Just wait till you meet Force and Styles and Styles and Styles and Styles and Styles and Styles.

STOMSKI: Why do these sort of things always happen to me?

SLIPMATT: Because these entire things are made up of a collection of cliches, half baked ideas and throw away gags - and believe me, people throw them away. But, anyway, it's time to go to our Secret Underground Base.

STOMSKI: Really? How do we get there?

SLIPMATT: The quickest way.

SLIPMATT grabs up a board, writes "cut to" on it in black ink, and holds it up to the camera.

Cut to...

The SECRET UNDERGROUND BASE OF THE REBELLION. Slipmatt, Stomski and the MC's are all here.

STOMSKI: That was quick. So, this is your secret underground base, is it?

N: Shhhhh!

O: Keep it down!1

P: Quiet!!!

Q: Don't tell everyone!!!!

R: We don't want them to know!!!!!

S: It's supposed to be a secret!!!!!!

STOMSKI: Then taking down the "SECRET UNDERGOUND BASE OF THE REBELLION" sign would probably be a good idea.

SLIPMATT: We can't - it's hiding a stain on the wall.

Enter SUSPICIOUS LOOKING BLOKE (SLoB)

SLoB: Sir, we're ready for our assault on the rebel base.

SLIPMATT: But we are the rebels.

SLoB: Ooops, sorry I meant the rebels are ready for their assault on the base, and I hadn't really forgetten which of my two bosses I was talking to, at all.

SLIPMATT: Well, that's okay then.

STOMSKI: You know, there's something suspicious about him, but I just can't put my finger on it.

SLoB: Right, sir, if you don't need me, I'm off back to my other Boss to tell him I've set the trap.

SLIPMATT: Well, okay then.

Exit SLoB

STOMSKI: So, what's the plan?

SLIPMATT: We go and blow up the computer. I always prefer a full frontal assault.

STOMSKI: I'd prefer it more if we were talking about Sharon Stone.

SLIPMATT: That was a blatant quote.

STOMSKI: Shush - maybe no one will notice.

SLIPMATT: Right. Here are your ships.

STOMSKI: Aren't those X-Wing fighters?

SLIPMATT: Yes - I got them from the skip outside the Lucasfilm studios.

STOMSKI: Cool.

He gets into the X-Wing.

SLIPMATT: May the Styles by with you, kid.

STOMSKI: Don't you mean Force?

SLIPMATT: No - we need Force; he's playing at the Rebellion Rave tonight.

STOMSKI: Damn! They always get the best gigs...

Cut with:

A pair of Scissors.

Cut to:

MEANWHILE - in a secret government installation...

EVIL DOUGAL COMPUTER SYSTEM (EDoCS): So, Stomski is back,a fter all these years. He was the one who pushed me out of the music scene, forcing me to sell my DNA to the clone banks for money and resulting in my return and this whole stupid plotline. He must be destroyed!!!

CANCERMAN: Good. First you will...

EDoCS: What type of music do you like?

CANCERMAN: ...launch a nuclear... Err... Music?

EDoCS: That's right, what music do you like?

CANCERMAN: Well, the occasional chamber music. Torture chmaber music, that is.

EDoCS: Wrong answer.

There's is an explosion and the CANCERMAN vanishes in an ironic puff of smoke.

EDoCS: Right; that's got rid of him. Who shall I destroy next. Hmmm - there seems to be a squadron of X-Wing fighters heading this way. I wonder if George Lucas knows about this. I'll just find his phone number...

Cut to:

The squadron of X-WING fighters.

STOMSKI: Gold leader to red 5, enemy base in sights in two minutes.

N :Yes, we know.

O :It says so on our screens.

P :That's the whole point of the screens, you know.

STOMSKI: Sorry. Hey - how come only three of spoke?

Q,R and S: We were providing the static - it adds ambience.

STOMSKI: Right, we're almost there. Prepare to fire weapons.

A phone starts ringing.

STOMSKI: Odd, I can hear a phone.

The phone continues ringing.

STOMSKI: D*mn. Now who the h*ll can that be?

He picks up the phone.

SLoB: Is that Stomski?

STOMSKI: Does a spider have six legs?

SLoB: If you tear two of them off.

STOMSKI: I am Stomski.

SLoB: Are you sure?

STOMSKI: I AM STOMSKI!!!! Who is this?

SLoB: It's the suspicious looking bloke who is quite clearly a traitor, but whom you all keep dismissing, accept to say 'hmm, there was something suspicious about that bloke.'

STOMSKI: Oh, okay, what do you want?

SLoB: Phone call on line 1 from Mr. Lucas.

STOMSKI: Put him through. Hmmm, there was something suspicious about that bloke. Hello, Mr Lucas, what can I... You want the what back? But we're... copyright infringment, I see... no, no, I can get your point, Star-wars creator dude...free copy of the first three films if they're at the studios by monday? Coool!

STOMSKI hangs up the phone.

STOMSKI: Hey guys, we're going home.

N,O,P,Q,R and S: What, already? We've only just managed to work out how to tilt the seats....

Cut to:

Sometime later, in the secret government installation.

There are various explosions and lazer blasts outside along with diverse screams and alarms. Enter STOMSKI, lazer rifle in hand. He brushes down his scarched and blackened clothes to reveal a prisitine jacket below.

STOMSKI: Lucky I was wearing my asbestos jacket.

EDoCS: That's another blatant quote, you know.

STOMSKI: Shush! No one will notice.

EDoCS: How did you find me?

STOMSKI: I looked you up in the yellow pages under "Evil Supercomputer bent on world domination, the neural net of which had been cloned from the DNA of a long dead DJ and which is housed in a secret government installation." It only took us four tries to find the right one.

EDoCS: So, your forces have come to destroy me?

STOMSKI: Err - well, actually only I'm here - the rest of them stopped off at the bar for a few bears and a curry.

EDoCS: You will never win!

STOMSKI: Oh, yes, I will.

EDoCS: Oh, no, you won't.

STOMSKI: Oh, yes, I will.

EDoCS: Oh, no, you won't.

STOMSKI: Oh, no, I won't.

EDoCS: Oh, yes, you will.

STOMSKI: Hah! Got you!

EDoCS: Curses, foiled again! Wait, there's no one here to see it - I think I'll just go ahead and blast you anyway.

STOMSKI: Not likely.

He raises the lazer pistol and pulls the trigger; nothing happens.

STOMSKI: Oh no, the battery, the battery!

EDoCS: Hah! What's the matter, Stomski?

STOMSKI: That's not fair!

EDoCS: Prepare to die!!!!

Suddenly, a panel at the back of the room springs open, and the real DOUGAL steps out.

DOUGAL: Hey, Stomski, you better watch out, there's a - OUCH!

DOUGAL trips over a wire.

DOUGAL: Who put that here?

He pulls it out, causing a massive elctric surge that turns him into two smoking boots - despite the fact that he wasn't wearing any.

EDoCS: Oh no! He's co-incidentally unplugged me! Jeepers! I would've have done it too, if not for these pesky kidssszzz....

He falls away into silence.

STOMSKI: Hmmm - that was easy. Almost too easy.

EDoCS: HAHAHAHAHA - fooled you!

STOMSKI: uh-oh.

EDoCs: No, wait, I didn't. Oh bug....

He falls away into silence. All the lights go out. When they come back up, SLIPMATT et al. are standing in the room.

SLIPMATT: Congratulations. You've saved everyone. Unfortunetly, most of the people got killed in your fire fight, so we're having to replace them with clones of Happy hardcore DJs. Of course, since I'm running for World Presidency now that the EDoCS is destroyed, I should easily get voted into office with my new "make Happy Hardcore the offical anthem of Earth" stand. I'd like you to be my Ambassador.

STOMSKI: Cool.

SLIPMATT: Yes, I know that was a really bad ending, but we couldn't think of anything else.

STOMSKI: It could be worse. It could be nothing more than the set up for a sequel in about four episodes time...

Everybody laughs.

Cut to:

The secret government installation.

A screen lights up, with the words "Activating modem." on it. After a while, the words change to "Sending EDoCS files to University CS building"

The screen goes black, then lights up again, with one last flashing message...

I WILL BE BACK!

...as we

FADE TO BLACK