Two heroes met in the summer of '97 and the world was changed. Well, actually it wasn't, for reasons which will become clear. Possibly.

These two heroes, namely Nope Callahan and Tim Capolletti, first encountered each other in Summer of Wheat, a tale which told of their daring battle against certain forces of darkness, which er... well, didn't actually happen.

Tim Capolletti, having decided to make a name for himself as a superhero, was traveling to Saskatchewan when the train he was on was hijacked by a gang of criminals, lead by a certain Mr. Brandemar.

Tim was rescued from being shot by Nope Callahan, an action which Nope promptly regretted when Tim talked him into going back to save the train.

In the midst of their rescue attempt, the two heroes ended up being captured by General Yup, Nope's supposedly dead arch-nemesis and the man for whom Brandemar was working. Yup killed Brandemar.

Yup himself turned out to be working for the Devil; he intended to use the hijacked train to derail a second train carrying a highly important cargo of grain. The Devil intended to use this grain to hold the world to ransom when famine hit it some months later, providing him with a new kingdom. The Devil killed Yup. These people really don't like being betrayed.

Nope and Tim managed to get themselves freed by Nope's brother Weiran and the sorceress Aliandra. Before they could stop the devil's plans, however, it came to light that the whole thing was actually a battle in the never-ending conflict between good and evil.

Weiran and Nope ended up locked in mortal combat to decide whether good or evil would win the day. Further complications ensued when Tim, attempting to trap the Devil, ended up trapping everyone, heroes and villains alike in a 'living' pentagram - an old and powerful wild magic.

In order to prevent themselves being wiped from space and time by the collapse of the pentagram, it was decided that the Nexus Object, a focus point of the space-time continuum, would have to be destroyed.

In the process, the current time line was erased, the Devil settled on a draw and continuity warped vicariously leaving Tim and Nope back where they had started with no memory of the previous battles.

That's where Summer of Wheat ended.

After Nope helped Tim to set himself up for training in the superheroing business, the two went their separate ways. Nope eventually ended up on J-Street as a rookie member of the JSTF. Tim's career took off and he began to make a name for himself; Wheat Lad had finally arrived.

And so, summer turned to winter...

SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE OF SASKATCHEWAN

It began to snow again.

The new flakes fell against the old snow, turning the muddy cream back once more into white. Autumn was already hard upon them and the first traces of winter crept in, making skeletons of trees, ice rinks of ponds and sledge slopes out of hills.  A blanket of snow soon covered the landscape, turning muddy fields into undulating waves of white. In every direction, for as far as the eye could see, there was nothing but the snow.

In the center of a field there was a sudden flash of golden light.

Punching holes throw the blanket of snow, the wheat rose, waving freely in the breeze. In a matter of moments the snow was replaced by billowing waves of wheat. Moving by itself, the wheat slowly began to twist and turn, flattening itself in some strange and arcane behavior.

There was another flash of golden light that turned into pillar, rising up into the sky and swiftly moving away.

A couple of hours later a helicopter passing overhead was intrigued to find a pattern of crop circles amid the snow.

From the air, it looked like a giant smiling face...

SOMEWHERE ON J-STREET

"Hey," said Impulse, "why are there a couple of people standing outside pretending to be rabbits?"

"Because they think they're rabbits," said Emerald Void, without looking up from his inventory sheets. "It'll wear off in a couple of hours."

"Oookay," muttered Impulse. "And why do they think they're rabbits?"

"They were messing with the other customers. Apparently it was the first animal he thought of.", EV picked up the top preview comic off the pile next to him. "How many copies of this one do you want us to order?"

"The usual," said Impulse. "Ermm... This may be a stupid question, but--"

"He went out. He left a note on the counter. Said he'd be back in a couple of days."

Impulse read the note. "Gone shopping. Hmmm." He glanced back out the window. "Rabbits, eh?" He turned back to EV with a grin.  "Do we have any lettuce?"

MONTAGUE SHOPPING ARCADE : SASKATCHEWAN

Montague Shopping Arcade - the best in Canada, reads the sign outside the complex. Fifty stores all crammed into one huge building. Shopper's paradise.

Provided you're not in the middle of rush hour of course.

The entrance was packed with hundreds of people; the many lifts were doing their best to appear to be sardine cans. The building was teeming; the shops full to bursting.

In a small jewelers near the entrance, a customer and dealer were having a shouted conversation over the background noise.

"Is this what you were looking for, sir?" asked the Jeweler, holding up a box containing a diamond ring.

"I was thinking of something more in emeralds. To match her eyes. Or sapphires, maybe."

"We have this little number here," said the Jeweler. He held up a second box containing a small gold ring, encrusted with a rosette of giant emeralds. "It's only $2500."

"TWO AND A HALF GRAND?!"

"Was sir thinking of something cheaper?"

"I was thinking of something in the low hundreds at the very most."

"Then perhaps this one?" This ring was also gold, with a small emerald center and a ring of even smaller sapphires around the edge.

"That's the one. Ali will love this. How much?"

Meanwhile, further into the complex, a health food store is considering a new purchase.

"So, you're offering how much of a deduction on our usual grain prices?"

"25%"

"And you can guarantee fresh grain, even in the middle of winter?"

"Yes, sir."

"How do you manage that then? Big greenhouses, solar panels and all that, right?"

"Actually, I just think at them and the wheat grows."

"Think at them! Ha, ha, ha, that's a good one mate. Keep the secret to yourself if you want; as long as you keep providing us this stuff and this high quality. So, how much do you have to sell?"

"How much do you want?"

Unfortunately, these two deals are not going to be concluded right now.

The front doors to the complex slam shut. The security gratings slide down and lock into place. Just as the customers start to notice, a voice comes over the shopping complex's PA.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, it is our regret to inform you that Montague Shopping Arcade now has new managers."

At various places among the shops groups of people began stripping off their coats and shirts to reveal black uniforms. Automatic weapons and rifles appear in people's hands.

"This establishment has become our newest acquisition. In terms of common parlance..."

In a jewelers and a heath food store, two people simultaneously think Oh no, this can't be happening...

"...THIS IS A STICK UP!"

TBC...

McLAUCHLAN'S HEALTH FOOD SUPPLIES

"...Excuse me? Mr. Capolletti? Tim...?", the health food store owner asked, waving slightly to get his attention.

"What?", Tim responded, seeming distracted by the announcement.

"Well, I thought we'd finish conducting our business.", the owner said curtly.

Tim seemed shockingly annoyed. "Mr. Mclauchlan, did you not hear that announcement over the mall PA system!?!"

"Oh that.", the owner replied, chuckling slightly. "Stick up a mall? Listen son, I've been in business for a long time, and one thing I've learned is that terrorists can't completely take over a mall, much less one that's this size."

Tim squinted his eyes, shaking his head as if to wake himself from a strange dream. "How the heck did you learn that?"

"Oh, never you mind how...", the owner said, tapping his nose twice and pointing to Tim, giving him a wink.

Tim frowned. "Well, tell you what. I'm going to go make sure that it's just a 'joke', and then I'll be back, okay...?", he said, taking his leave of the owner.

"Ah kids.", Mr. McLauchlan said to himself, sighing. "Think they know everything..."

MacPHERSON JEWELERS

"Sir? Excuse me, sir...?", the jeweler asked, snapping his fingers.

The customer slowly turned to face the jeweler, looking annoyed. He pulled his shades down, slightly revealing his glowing red eyes. "First off, don't call me sir. My name's Nope, learn to use it, okay?"

"Alright...", the jeweler said cautiously.

"Second.", Nope continued. "Didn't you hear that announcement? Someone's trying to take over the mall!"

"Well si....*ahem*...Nope.", the jeweler answered. "My friend up at McLauchlan's Health Food Supplies has taught me that terrorists could not possible take over-"

"Skip it.", Nope said, cutting in. "Tell you what, why don't you just duck and hide behind the counter, counting your merchandise.", he said forcefully.

The jeweler's eyes seemed to glaze over slightly for a split second. "Well, if you'll excuse me...um...Mr. Nope, I have merchandise to count down here, behind my counter."

"Do it a couple of times.", Nope ordered, as the jeweler began to do as he asked. Nope clutched his head as he saw several armed, black uniformed people go running by the shop. His fingers grabbed the ring in question, popping it into one of his pockets, as he stealthily made his way along the counter, trying to get a better look at the goings on outside the shop...

OUTSIDE McLAUCHLAN'S HEALTH FOOD SUPPLIES

Tim came out at a slow trot, looking around. He looked over the side railing of the second floor catwalk, looking down at the chaos below. Many figures in black uniforms, bearing assault weaponry began fanning out all over the ground floor of the mall, proceeding along in an organized fashion, entering each retail shop. Tim looked around from his vantage point on the second floor of the mall, and realized that it would be minutes before the same sort of action would continue up on his floor...

"Wow, Tim, did you hear that?', a young voice asked, coming from behind him. "Somebody's takin' over the whole mall!"

Tim turned and cursed. He'd promised his relatives he'd take care of his thirteen year old cousin Nick, and bring him along on his routine supplier dealings here at the mall.

"Yes Nick, I heard it.", Tim said, looking around him. "Look Nick, go in the health food store and hang out with Mr. McLauchlan for a bit, I have to check things out here..."

"Health food?", Nick asked, making a disgusted face. "No way, I wanna go to the food court and eat at McDonalds!"

"Nick, would you just do as I say?", Tim demanded, giving his younger cousin a stern look. "Or, I'll tell your mom you were looking at the porno magazines."

"Alright, alright!", Nick said as Tim took off towards the central area of the mall. "How'd he know I was doing that...?", Nick mumbled as he began to stride into the health food store.

OUTSIDE MacPHERSON JEWELERS

Nope paused at the entrance, hiding behind the cardboard display as some of the black garbed sentries ran by. Seeing that the coast was relatively clear, he darted across the hallway, and into a photomat booth, closing the short curtain, and hopping up onto the seat. "Damn, damn, damn!", he cursed to himself, trying to come up with a plan.

Nope peeked out of his photomat booth, and saw one of the black suited sentries, putting a final lock on the security grating near the exit doors, thus preventing anyone's escape. Screams of scared mall people could be heard from further into the mall, and Nope shook his head. Can't a guy go to a mall without having some nut and his terrorist troopers attempt to take it over?, he thought to himself.

Nope ducked back in to his booth as he saw the guard stand up and start to run to follow his comrades who'd passed by earlier. Timing it just right, Nope stuck his leg out as the black suited man passed, sending him face-first down to the mall floor. Nope quickly grabbed the man by the scruff of the neck, and dragged him back into the photomat booth.

Nope pulled a pistol from the man's arsenal and jabbed into the black garbed sentry's neck. "What's the deal? What's going on?", he asked, emphasizing his questions with several hard thrusted knee shots to the man's stomach.

"You'll...get nothing...from me...", the faceless man said, a black mask covering all but his eyes.

Nope squinted as he mentally 'pushed' the man. "Who do you work for?"

The man struggled a bit before his eyes glazed over for a second. "I work...for...the Capulets..."

What does Tim plan to do? Did Nope actually steal that ring? What of Tim's younger cousin? Does Nope have the proper change for that photomat booth? Does every store in the mall start with a "Mc" or "Mac"? TBC...

THE PHOTO BOOTH

The man struggled a bit before his eyes glazed over for a second. "I work...for...the Capulets..."

"Oh, really," said Nope. "How useful. Who are the Capulets? And why would anyone want to take over a mall?"

"The Capulets are... are... are..." The man's eyes went blank and he went limp in Nope's grasp. He continued to mutter "are... are... are..."

"Oh, goog," said Nope.

McLAUCHLAN'S HEALTH FOOD SUPPLIES

"So," asked Nick, "what are these things, then?"

"Lentils," said McLauchlan, shortly.

"And people eat these, do they?"

"Yes."

"Mega-gross."

"Did your brother-"

"Cousin," put in Nick, picking up a jar of green beads and peering at it.

"-Cousin tell you how long he would be? Only I've got these orders to fill."

"No," said Nick. "I can go and ask him if you want."

"Didn't he tell you to stay here?"

"He only said 'Hang out for a bit'," said Nick. He picked up a jar. "Hey, what's this stuff?"

"It's a protein rich food supplement for vegetarians."

"People eat this goop? Gross!" Nick's stomach rumbled. "Hey! I'm hungry."

ON THE SECOND FLOOR

Tim ducked behind a pillar as two of the black suited guards walked past. The guards stopped directly opposite him to speak into a radio.

"Sector 2.1 clear. Proceeding to sector 2.2." He listened to the radio for a moment. "No sign yet, sir. Yes, sir."

The two men moved off.

No sign of what? thought Tim. He glanced over the railing; the shoppers had been herded into the center and were standing or sitting around under the eyes of too many guards to count. More guards were heading towards the lifts and escalators.

No point trying to rescue them yet, thought Tim. I'll just end up starting a riot. Better try and find their boss; maybe I ought to stop one of these guys and see what he can tell me.

Glancing around the pillar he saw the two guards enter a shop. Taking his chance, he crossed the corridor and into the shop opposite: MacCormic's Fashionable Footwear Boutique.

He grabbed hold of one of the members of staff. "Are you connected to the service stairwell?"

"Sure," said the woman, "but you can't go out there. It's staff only. You'll have to take the lifts like everyone else."

"Look, lady," said Tim, "the mall's being taken over by a bunch of terrorists and--"

"Oh no," said the woman, "a mall this size could never be taken over by--"

"Yes, yes, whatever," said Tim. "The stairs?"

"Through the back," said the woman. As Tim walked past the counter she called after him: "But only the staff can use the..."

The closing stairwell door cut her off. Right, thought Tim. Up or down? Up he decided. The announcement had come over the PA: that meant the guards had to be in the offices on the top floor.

He began to climb the stairs.

THE PHOTO BOOTH

"Are... are... are..." burbled the man.

"Shut the goog up," snapped Nope. I could just find the nearest exit, I s'pose. 'Cept I'm supposed to be a hero, now. Sheesh.

The radio on the man's jacket sqwauked.

{{51, check in. Is sector 1.14 clear?}}

"Answer it," commanded Nope.

"Are... are... are...," burbled the man.

Nope sighed, picked up the radio and hoped that the radio static would disguise his voice. "Sector 1.14 is clear."

{{Any sign of them?}}

Sign of who? thought Nope. "No sign."

{{Proceed to the next sector. Command out.}}

The radio went silent. Nope stuck it in his pocket. I could kill for a big Mac right now, he thought. Oh well. These guys used the PA system. I wonder where it's kept?

McLAUCHLAN'S HEALTH FOOD SUPPLIES

"I'm hungry," said Nick.

"Here," said McLauchlan, "have one of these low-fat fake chocolate nut free bars."

"I don't want health food junk," said Nick. "I want real food. I'm gonna go down to McDonalds."

"If you see your brother--"

"Cousin," supplied Nick, heading for the door.

"--tell him to hurry up, will you?"

"Sure, whatever."

Who are the Capulets? What are they looking for? Why would anyone want to take over a mall, anyway? Will Nick want large fries with his quarter pounder 'n' cheese? TBC...

McLAUCHLAN'S HEALTH FOOD SUPPLIES

"I don't want health food junk," said Nick. "I want real food. I'm gonna go down to McDonalds."

"If you see your brother--"

"Cousin," supplied Nick, heading for the door.

"--tell him to hurry up, will you?"

"Sure, whatever."

Just then two black garbed men stormed the shop, with quick, startling shouts as they entered, pointing their weapons in every direction, making sure the area was secure. Shoppers gave startled cries as one of the men ran down every isle, flushing the patrons out toward the front of the health food store.

"Alright people, listen up!", the man at the front yelled for all to hear. "You will proceed in an orderly fashion to the center court on the first floor! Don't give us any trouble, and we won't give you any trouble!"

"They just don't understand.", Mr. McLauchlan, the owner of the health food store, chuckled. "It'll never work..."

"Do we get food?", Nick asked, seemingly one of the few who remained calm.

The man in black at the front looked at his partner in the back. They exchanged questionable looks before the man at the front pulled out his radio, and began to talk into it. His eyes seemed startled as a loud and rough message came back over the radio. "Okay people, all questions will be answered when you arrive at the central area of the mall!", he announced in a rushed manner. "Move! Move! Move! MOVE!"

Nick smiled, nodding as he looked around. "Awright, Micky-Dee's..."

OUTSIDE THE PHOTO BOOTH

{{51? Dammit 51, where are you?}}, the radio blasted from Nope's pocket.

Nope stood outside the phone booth, pacing back and forth. Okay, what would a hero do at this point?, he thought to himself. You've got hundreds of hostages, presumably being watched by at least half as many armed guards. You've pistol whipped one of the guards unconscious in a photomat booth, and are probably the only one free to attempt something to save everyone.

"Yeah, this is going great...", Nope said to no one. He clicked on the radio. "Um...yes, this is 51."

{{I was just about to send someone out to you 51, you had us worried there for a sec.}}, the radio cackled.

Nope looked around trying to piece together something, anything to tell the person on the radio. Looking up, he noticed the sign of the jeweler's store he'd been in about 10 minutes ago. A smile grew on his face.

"Sir, I was wrong about Sector 1.14, I had a disturbance in the jewelry shop..."

{{{Jewelry shop?}}, the radio voice asked. {{Is the disturbance quelled?}}

"Yes sir, it's been...quelled.", Nope answered back, rolling his eyes. "I could use a hand with one of the people who was...causing...a...disturbance..."

{{What is it 51?}}

"Well sir, I had to subdue the disturbance, gagging and tying the man with his own clothes."

{{He was that much of a disturbance?}}, the radio cackled back.

"He was a big fella, sir.", Nope said back, starting getting sick of the word 'disturbance'.

 {{Alright 51, I can't spare anyone right away, but I'll send a unit your way in about 5 minutes.}}

"Perfect sir.", Nope said back, shoving the radio in his pocket again. With a sigh, he began to undo his pants...

THE BACK STAIRWELL

Tim took the stairs 3 at a time as he climbed, pausing at each corner to make sure it wasn't guarded. About 10 levels up, he caught a glimpse of a shadow on the next platform above him. A very large shadow.

Damn, he thought. They make them big at "Black-Uniformed-Guards-R-Us".  He reached into his coat pocket, feeling the smooth, comforting feel of wheat. He was about to formulate some sort of plan to subdue whoever was above him, when he saw the shadow disappear.  As Tim stood up, a large, muscular man dropped down in front of him. Before he could pull out his wheat, the man had him shoved up against the stairwell wall, his hand over Tim's mouth.

"Be qweye-utt!", the man whispered. "I hiurd you coming ah mile ahway."

The man stared hard at him, as if waiting for an answer. Tim gave as much of a nod as he could, and the man released him. "Who are you?", Tim whispered.

"My name hiss Rahbuht.", the man whispered back. "Rahbuht Smitt. I vurk at de MacDahnulds..."

Tim frowned, hardly being able to understand what the man was saying. "Robert Smith? Where are you from, Robert?"

"I'm an Ahmericahn citizin.", Robert whispered.

"That's weird, because your accent sounds distinctly Austrian..."

"Lissen to me kharefuhlly.", Robert whispered, leaning backwards to look up the stairwell for a second. "I've been vurking at de MacDahnulds, but I really vurk for de seeyaheh."

"C.I.A.?", Tim questioned. "What are you doing in Saskatchewan?"

"We've been fahlloween dese peepol for a long time.", Robert said. "We tought dey vud try to take dis mall hostige, so I vas placed heeuh, in anticipashun of deyuh attack..."

"Woah, slow down Robert.", Tim whispered. "Who are these people?"

"Thayres no time!", Robert whispered harshly. He stood up and pulled off a ventilation grate above Tim's head. "Puddeet back ahn aftuhr I goeen!"

"What?", Tim asked, confused.

"Pudd...eet...back...ahn...aftuhr...I...go..een!", Robert said phonetically, pronouncing everything slow so Tim would understand.

"Oh, put it on after you go in, okay!", Tim said, the sentence finally sinking in. He fixed the vent back in it's place, but then realized Robert hadn't answered his question. "Who are the people taking control of the mall, Robert?", he whispered into the vent.

Tim stuck his ear against the vent, waiting for an answer. He dropped down after he got a response, a puzzled look on his face. "The Capulets...?"

OUTSIDE THE PHOTO BOOTH

Three black uniformed men turned the corner, to see a large caucasian man, stripped to nothing but his briefs, hog-tied with black jeans, with a white t-shirt used as a gag, lying in front of the photomat booth. A tall, thin black uniformed guard stood over him with a pistol aimed at the tied man.

"'Bout time you guys got here.", the thin guard with the pistol said.

"You okay 51?", one of the three asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine.", he responded, holstering his pistol. "Better keep this guy gagged, he's a screamer."

"Gotcha." one of the three said, motioning for the other two to carry him. The pair grabbed him and began carrying away, down the hall from where they'd come from. "Good thing you told us.", the remaining guard from the unit said. "You know how Romy hates cry-babies."

"Romy...right.", the thin guard informed the other. "There's another guy in the jewelry store, he's strange, but harmless. Doesn't want to stop counting his jewelry."

The guard in black eyed the other. "So why didn't you get him out, 51?"

"Uhhh...I just got radioed...from Romy!", the thin guard said. "I have to rendez-vous with him in the audio communication section..."

"Her.", the other guard stated.

"Huh?", the thin guard asked.

"You called Romy 'him'."

"Did I...?", the thin guard said, chuckling. "I, of course, meant I have to meet HER in the audio communication section."

"Right.", the other guard said. "Off you go then, you know how she can be!"

"I'm off then.", the thin guard said.

"You might want to hide those shades.", the guard said with a laugh. "If Romy sees you with them, she'll probably take 'em for herself."

The thin guard chuckled as he moved away from the jewelry store. He paused for a moment at the photomat, and reached in, pulling out a backpack. Flinging it over his shoulder, with a flash of red coming from behind the black glasses,  he took off down the hall. Morons, he thought...

THE CENTER COURT

Hundreds of nervous mall shoppers huddled together around the central fountain. Surrounding the entire area, were armed guards dressed in black,  both above them on the catwalks, and below on the ground floor.

Nick walked around the crowd, like it was a meet and greet session, smiling to people as he passed. "This is so cool...", he muttered with a grin as he continued on through the crowd. A sort of hushed silence came over the crowd, and Nick followed the people's gazes to where everyone was looking.  On the second floor, the information desk had been pushed up to the rail, and a woman dressed in black gear stood on the desktop, looking over the gathered crowd, holding a microphone. Nice body..., Nick thought as he waited to see what would happen.

THE BACK STAIRWELL

Tim vaulted the last of the stairs, coming before an exit door, leading to the head offices. He frowned as he noticed the numeric keypad on the door handle, figuring this was going to be harder than it looked. His eyes lazily crossed over to a sign beside the door, that read "Montague Inc.", when something clicked in his head.

"Capulets?", Tim questioned himself. "Montagues? Oh for @#$%&'s sake..."

What has Tim figured out? What plans does Nope have cooking? Who's Romy? Who's the Austrian sounding American C.I.A. agent "Rahbuht"? Is Tim's cousin Nick actually that 'touched in the head'? TBC...

THE CENTER COURT

"Ladies and Gentlemen, if I might have your intention," called out the woman. "I apologize for the inconvenience. After we have completed our mission you will be allowed to leave. You will find it to your advantage to comply with our requests instantly and without fuss. The guards circulating among you are collecting mobile phones and the like; please surrender all such items. They will be returned to you, if possible. I ask that you remain quiet and where you are. We are guided only by our conscience and will therefore not hesitate to kill you should the case warrant it."

The microphone clicked off.

She turned to the guard next to her, "How far has the sweep reached?", she asked in a low voice.

"We're on schedule, ma'am."

"Keep it up. We can afford to mess this up again."

McCROMWELL'S BOOK BASEMENT

Nope ducked into the doorway as yet another patrol moved past. There was a ventilation grill in the wall making odd noises, but Nope was too busy to pay attention.

Okay, thought Nope. If I was a terrorist leader, where would I be? He looked around; there seemed to be some sort of commotion going on in the center but he was too far away to hear it.

He tapped his fingers against the display case, watching the guards move to and fro in the distance. Outside the far windows, the neon Montague sign flashed slowly on and off.

Capulets, thought Nope. Where have I heard that before?

He glanced at the display in the vain hope that it would explain everything. It was just a bunch of books; sixteenth and seventeenth century plays by the looks of it.

Montague Mall and Capulets, thought Nope. A woman named Romy, Montague Mall and a bunch of people called Capulets. Romy, Montague and... and... Naaah, surely not?!

A grate in the wall beside him banged, and someone swore in something suspiciously like German.

Ooookay... thought Nope. This is getting just a little bit too surreal for me.  He knocked on the grate.

"Hey, you need a hand?"

"Go avay, dere iss no von in heer," said a voice from inside the vent. "Nuvthink fyor yuh to worrry about."

"If it's any help," said Nope, "this whole black uniform thing is a disguise." He lifted the vent cover. Wow. How did someone that big get in somewhere so small?

"Ah teenk ahve ghon de wrong vay. Eet must av beyn two leftss."

"Right." said Nope, "Of course. And you would be?"

"My name hiss Rahbuht.", the man whispered back. "Rahbuht Smitt. I vurk at de MacDahnulds..."

"I can see why you would be trying to escape via the air vents," said Nope.

"Noh, I've been vurking at de MacDahnulds, but I really vurk for de seeyaheh."

"Really?" Nope thought about this. "You're quite clearly nuts, aren't you?"

"I must geet intyo thee terriorist heedqwaturrs. Exchuse meh." He turned around and started climbing up.

"Excuse me, did you just say terrorist headquarters?"

"Is dat not vot ah sayd?"

"Errr, right, anyway, you won't mind if I tag along then, will you?" asked Nope.

"Dere is no playce furr puny veeklings vere ahm goink," said Rahbuht -er, Robert.

"Oh, I'm sorry," said Nope, "what I meant to say was I'm coming with you."

"You're comhing vith me," agreed Robert continuing his climb.

The things I get myself into, thought Nope.

MONTAGUE'S OFFICE

Who'd have thought that with all these security measures the door code would have been 1234? thought Tim.

He wondered into the offices which, for the most part, seemed deserted.

He was just glancing through the door into one of the bigger offices when a croaky voice spoke up from behind him.

"Who's there? Who goes hence? My gun! Where's my gun?"

Tim looked round. An old man, stooped and gray pottered towards him. After a couple of steps he faltered, dropping his cane.

"Where's that damned gun?" muttered the old man, fiddling in his shirt.

"You'd be better looking for the cane," advised Tim, stepping forward to steady the old man before he could fall. "Why do you want your gun? You're in no danger from me."

"My gun, I say. That old fools come to pester me again, brandishing his weapons to spite me."

"There's no one here but us two," pointed out Tim, picking up the cane and handing it to the old man.

The man shook the cane at Tim's face, who dodged back to avoid having his knees broken. "I know that young, young, young whippersnapper," snapped the old man. "He's not here now, is he. No, I was too smart for him, too, too, too - what was I talking about?"

Everybody in this mall is quite, quite mad, decided Tim.

THE CENTER COURT

You know, thought Nick, for a psychotic terrorist type she sure is a babe. She was still standing on the catwalk above, talking to the guards. A couple of words drifted down, something about 'disturbances' and locking someone in a cupboard somewhere. After a moment, she walked off.

Nick still felt hungry, though.

He glanced across the way. MacDonalds was standing invitingly open and none of the guards were looking his way. Slipping as quietly as possible out of the crowd he began to sneak towards the awaiting burgers.

Halfway there he collided with someone else and the two went sprawling, coincidentally doing just as the guards looked their way. Fortunately Nick had fallen below the level of the fountain and was out of sight.

"Watch where you're going, why don't you," he snapped.

Then he caught sight of the person he'd knocked over.

Just what have both Tim and Nope worked out? Who is the old man? Who did Nick knock over? Is Rahbuht Smitt really a seeyaheh ahgent? Will his accent ever remain consistent from one chapter to the next?  TBC...
 

THE CENTER COURT

Halfway there, Nick collided with someone else and the two went sprawling, coincidentally doing so just as the guards looked their way. Fortunately he'd fallen below the level of the fountain's rim, and was out of sight.

"Watch where you're going, why don't you...!?!" the man snapped.

Nick looked up from his position, and caught sight of the person he'd knocked over. The middle aged man was dressed in green army fatigues, and had a strained sort of face, with alot of stubble . He also wore a pink apron.

"Don't have a conniption.", Nick muttered, preparing to stand back up.

"Don't!!", the man ordered harshly, shooting his legs out, knocking Nick's arms out from under him, sending him back down to the mall floor.

"Geez, what's your problem G.I.Joe?", Nick asked angrily.

"What!?! You think I don't know what this is...!?!", the man said, looking around nervously.

"Buddy, I don't even know what this is.", Nick answered, resting his head on his palm in a relaxed position.

"Any movement and those guards from their lofty position will take us out!", the man snapped. "I don't want that on my head Johnny...DO YOU!?!"

"I'm not 'Johnny', and no, I wouldn't want that.", Nick said, keeping low as the man had ordered.

"I had plans 30 years ago, I'm just going up to Canada, to visit relatives, I said.", the man whispered, rubbing his eyes with great force (or more than what's needed to rub one's eyes). "20 dead border guards later, and I'm branded a 'draft dodger'!! What the hell was I supposed to do!?! Auntie Jeanne-Marie was making CHOCOLATE MOUSSE...JUST FOR ME!!!  What was I supposed to do...NOT SHOW UP...!?!"

"Repressed memories...cool.", Nick said with a smile, nodding. "Say bud, what's the pink apron for?"

"Oh, I work at the MacDoherty's ice cream shop.", the man said, all of a sudden, surprisingly calm...

THE MONTAGUE MALL OFFICES

"Keep it down old man."

"Fools! You're all fools!", the old man cackled, coughing. "See you swiftly, how the dagger doth flies, removing those...*cough*...with curious eyes..."

"Okay, I don't know what that means.", Tim whispered, looking back over his shoulder. "What I do know is that you have to be quiet, or someone will hear us!"

"Let them face me.", the old man said with a stern look in his bloodshot eyes. "I fear no man..."

"Whatever.", Tim said, looking up and seeing a men's room door, and ushered the man through.

The men's room was large, with a central wall dividing two areas, one with stalls and urinals, the other with sinks and hand blowers. Tim quickly bent down to make sure none of the toilets were taken, and shoved the old man into one of the stalls, closing the door behind him.

"Damn, what a stink!", Tim cursed, covering his nose.

"Would a rose, by another other name, not smell as sweet...?", the old man worded, looking upward for some reason.

"Well, the florists would have to deliver all day to get rid of this stench.", Tim added, sitting the old man down on the toilet.

"You know, in my day we didn't use 'guns'.", the old man started. "We used to have really big rocks...",

"I...don't...care!", Tim said snappishly.

"Watch your lip boy, or I'll tear you a new arse!", the old man said grumpily. "I'll waive the usual fee to...*cough*...get rid of you...!"

"Fee?", Tim asked, looking down at him.

"A heavy purse is the assassin's reward, boy...", the old man continued.

"You?", Tim said, trying not to laugh. "You're an assassin? You!?!"

The old man looked from side to side shiftily, between coughs. "No one suspects...the POSSUM!"

Tim winced as the man yelled. "This is the last time I warn you old man, SHUT... UP!!!"

Tim heard the men's room doors swing open, and leaned forward, putting a hand over the old man's mouth.

"I think I heard it coming from in here.", a voice said.

A clicking sound could be heard. "Check the stalls.", another voice ordered.

Tim lowered his head, staring right in to the old man's eyes, his glance speaking volumes, telling him that not a sound was to be made. Tim felt the man's mouth twist into a smile under his hand, as a deep rumble echoed in the toilet bowl below where the old man was sitting. Tim shook his head, as the old codger 'let one go'...

THE VENTILATION SYSTEM

You've come a long way, Nope thought to himself. You've traveled between dimensions, you've become a recent addition to the J-Street Task Force...and now, you're following an incoherent muscle-bound man's ass.  Ain't life sweet...?

"Eet's gheteen cole", Robert muttered back to Nope as he crawled forward.

"No $#!+,Sherlock...", Nope called up. "For the most part, we've been climbing upward where we could, so we must be nearing the top of the mall,  where the vents take air from the outside. It is winter you know..."

"Yes, I doo no dat.", Robert said. "I saw de snow dis morneengk..."

Nope sighed. One of the great minds of the C.I.A., no doubt. "Are we near an opening yet 'Rahbuht'?"

"I see vone comeeng cup.", Robert answered, the metal of the vents screeching as he pushed forward.

"Soooo...?", Nope asked.

"Diere's too guys down diere.", Robert whispered back. "I tink wonn guy's helpeen an old mann go too de toylett."

"That's what that smell is...", Nope said quietly to himself. Looking up, he saw Robert's ass in his face, "...thankfully...".

Robert shifted slightly. "Everyting seems hunduh cahntrol in diere. Let's kheep mooveengk..."

Nope took Robert's lead, and continued to shimmy along, pausing momentarily to take a look through the ventilation grate to see what was going on down there. He almost resumed crawling, but then noticed two men approaching the stalls, with guns drawn...

What do Wheat Lad, Nope, an Austrian sounding American C.I.A agent, a Shakespearean romance theme, Tim's younger cousin Nick, a psycho army veteran, and possibly the world's oldest assassin have in common?  Stay tuned...TBC...

THE MONTAGUE STAFF TOILETS

 "Gross," gagged Tim. The old man giggled behind Tim's hand.

From outside the stalls, the two guards closed in.

 "What is that smell?" asked one.

 "Smells like they haven't cleaned this place out in weeks," replied the second.

 "Yeah," returned the first. "They must like living in their own sh - Hey, did you hear something?"

 "Shhhhh," whispered Tim to the old man.

The muffled conversation continued outside the stall for a moment, the Tim heard the outside door of the toilets swing open and close. After that there was silence.

Ooookaaay, thought Tim. Either I'm the luckiest S.O.B in the world, or something really weird is going on. He peeped over the top of the stall door; the room was clear. Gasping with relief, he staggered out into the somewhat cleaner air.

 "See?" asked the old man, dancing wildly. "They knew who I was. The ran like rats, ran from... THE POSS *cough* *hack*"

 "Will you shut the goog up?" wailed Tim.

THE VENTILATION SYSTEM

Nope took Robert's lead, and continued to shimmy along, pausing momentarily to take a look through the ventilation grate to see what was going on down there. He almost resumed crawling, but then noticed two men approaching the stalls, with guns drawn.

I might as well help, he thought. It's not as if some old man is going to be vital to their plans or much of a hindrance; besides the shock might kill the old geezer. He tapped on the grate and called down"Excuse me?"

The gunman who had been saying "They must like living in their own sh-" broke off. "Hey, did you hear something?"

 "It sounded like someone tapping on a ventilation grill," said the other gunman.

State the obvious, why don't you?   "Excuse me, I think you ought to know that there is no one in here, or in the ventilation shafts and that you should be getting back before Romy checks in again.", Nope called out

 "I guess there was no one in here, after all," said the first man.

 "Yeah, or in the ventilation shafts," said the second. "We better get on with the sweep before Romy checks in again."

 "Yeah," agreed the first. "You know what she gets like."

The two left the room.

Nope resumed crawling after Robert. The problem with crawling around in the air vents, he thought to himself, is that all the bad smells follow you...

IN THE CENTER COURT

 "I'm still hungry," said Nick. "What say you and I go and grab a bite to eat?"

 "Get down and stay down. We can't let them see us."

 "We could crawl."

 "Crawl? Crawling? Like maggots, hundreds of them, all coming right for us, all of 'em waist high with their black, beady eyes and their blank faces, tine, little, beady, eyes and those strange, moronic blank faces and the screaming, the terrible, terrible screaming and the mess, the godawful, horrible stinking mess and they kept on coming with their blank little faces and those beady little eyes..."

 "Woah!" said Nick. "Was the 'Nam that bad?"

 "'Nam? Goog no, serving behind the counter just after the primary school down the road closes for the day." The man shivered. "The name's Lincoln, by the way. John Lincoln. My friend's call me Jules."

 "I'm Nick."

 "Pleased ta meet you Nick."

 "So, now can we get some food?"

 "First, you must meet the fryer and have your cards read."

 "I need a big mac, not a priest."

"The fryer isn't a priest. C'mon," said Jules, "and keep down. If they do see you, they will kill you."

I think you're a goog of a lot more dangerous than twenty of their guns, thought Nick. Besides, if they see us, I'll just get you to do the talking and I'll be protected from their enmity.

The two crawled across the floor to where a old, fat and frizzy haired lady sat.

She looked down at them as they approached. "By whose direction came you hence?"

 "Er... I crawled here after the army veteran in the pink apron," said Nick. I can't believe I just said that.

 "My name is Elsie and for the last twenty years I have been the fryer at MacPearson's Flying Fish takeaway, seven days a week, early and evening shifts except Thursdays when I hold seances in my flat in West Virginia. I'm a part time medium, you know."

She glared at Nick, waiting for him to make the obvious joke; he politely declined.

 "So, my young adventurer, let us see what the future holds in store for you." Elsie began to deal out the tarot.

What is in the cards for Nick? Will anyone work out just what the Capulets want? Is everyone in the stall quite, quite mad is something more sinister going on? Will Nope and Tim ever actually meet in this story? Will I be killed by Eng. Literature students for massacring Shakespeare? All will be revealed...

THE CENTER COURT OF THE MONTAGUE SHOPPING ARCADE

"So, my young adventurer, let us see what the future holds in store for you.", Elsie began to deal out the tarot.

Jules looked around nervously, one eye squinted. Nick shook his head as he watched the cards getting placed before him.

"Is this gonna to take very long?", Nick asked. "I'm hungry as hell..."

"A hunger....for KNOWLEDGE!?!", Elsie asked, suddenly looking very spooky.

"Whatever fills my belly.", Nick answered, looking bored.

"Ah, this is food for the mind, my young friend...", she informed them, laying the deck at her side. She had a crook-eyed look as she prepared to lift the card nearest to Nick.

"Double time it, Johnny!", Jules called from behind Nick.

"Nick.", Nick corrected.

"Nick, right.", Jules said, nodding. "Try and see if the Cowboys are gonna win on Sunday too, I got a bet going with the newspaper lady at MacPatterson's News Stand..."

Nick sighed, returning his gaze to the sequence of cards. He arched a brow as Elsie turned the card...

THE VENTILATION SYSTEM

"Hok-k-kaye.", Robert called back to Nope, his voice telling all. "Eye'm reelee c-c-cole now..."

"Me too Bob.", Nope answered, shaking his head as he crawled along behind him.

"Dat's 'Rahbuht'.", the large Austrian sounding American C.I.A. agent said. "Knot Bahb..."

"Robert, you can call me 'Sally' if you get us out of this ventilation system.", Nope responded.

No sooner than had Nope asked, did Robert grunt, and the sound of a grate ringing on the floor could be heard. Nope saw Robert's large frame somehow squeeze through the opening, and followed him through.

When Nope landed, he noticed he was in some sort of office. Robert stood at the door as Nope looked to the desk, seeing a plethora of monitors sitting on top of each other, with black and white displays.

"We're in security.", Nope announced. "I can't believe there isn't a guard here!"

"Purrhapps dey vent to de battroom.", Robert put in from the door.

Nope went to a table near the desk, and saw a big map. "There's an entire mapping system of the mall here. Quick, Robert help me grab-"

Shots rang out, echoing along the corridor outside the security room. "Vaht vas dat?", Robert asked.

Nope sighed as he crossed back over to the bank of monitors. "Somebody's lighting firecrackers Einstein.", he said, looking for any action on the screens.  He finally found some guards, two of them, firing at something off camera.  "These two, there's a gunfight nearby.", Nope said, going back to the map. He found the area the two shooting guards were.

"Wier ahre dey?", Robert asked.

Nope crossed back to the monitors to make sure. "Those are the two guards I saw in the bathroom.", Nope said to himself. "What happened outside the bathroom to get them into a gunfight?"

THE MONTAGUE STAFF TOILETS

"Let me at them...!", the old man struggled against Tim, trying to get out of the stall.

Tim squinted as the shots rang out from outside the men's washroom. He gave the old man a dirty look.

Surprisingly, the old man quieted down. "Fine, but at least go and see what the ruckus is about...!"

"Okay.", Tim agreed. He unlatched the lock on the stall, and opened the door. He stepped softly over to the men's room door, and opened it just a crack. He saw the backs of two black uniformed guards, as they fired away at whatever was down the hall.

"C'Mon guys!", Tim heard from down the hall, over the gunfire. "I have to go, and bad! I can't leave the security station unmanned for this long!"

"You don't understand!", one of the guards with his back to the men's room door yelled, squeezing off another couple of shots. "There's no one in there, or the ventilation shafts! We should be getting back before Romy checks in!"

What the heck?, Tim thought. He paused for a moment, but then realized he had to chance it. They couldn't stay in here, just waiting to be discovered. He went back to the stall, where he'd left the old man. When he opened up the door, and the old man was gone.

"Hey! Where are you?", Tim called out. "Possum?"

Tim heard the sound of muffled laughter and coughing, echoing from above him. The ventilation grate hung open on the ceiling.

"That old coot!", Tim said to himself, wondering if the old man had the right idea.

THE CENTER COURT

"4 of diamonds?", Nick asked. "The 4 of diamonds!?!"

"Ooooh, the deadly 4 of diamonds...", Elsie crooned, her hand waving over the card she'd just turned over. "Signifying...um...four...diamonds...?"

"Just be happy you didn't get the 10 of clubs, Johnny.", Jules whispered, smelling his shoe for some reason. "I had the runs all week because of that...!"

"That's 'Nick', Jules...", he said frowning as he picked up the card, seeing the "Tarot brand playing cards" in small print on the back of the card.

"Don't touch the cards!", Elsie whined, snatching it from his hands. "Only the reader of the cards may touch them, else the deck becomes cursed...!"

"Look, I'm booking for some chow.", Nick announced, crawling on his hands and knees. "Maybe you two should hook up, you seem to speak the same language..."

 "Wait...!', Elsie called, as the deck she was holding fell to the floor, scattering the cards. "You see? Cursed!"

THE MONTAGUE MALL SECURITY STATION

{{Security? 26, are you there?}}

Nope instinctively reached for the radio in his pocket, but realized the voice wasn't coming from there. He saw another radio at the corner of the monitor station, he reached out to grab it.

Robert came from behind Nope and grabbed the radio, holding it up to his face.

"Robert, don't!", Nope yelled.

"Dis his twanny seeks.", Robert answered over the radio, winking at Nope, as if everything was in control. "Hall ees kleer."

A dead pause. {{Who is this? 26?}}

"Dis his twanny seeks.", Robert repeated, looking a little nervous now.

{{...send a unit up...something...security...}}, could be heard from the radio in Robert's hand.

"Ungh, dis his twanny seeks, seye-neengk hoff!", Robert said, dropping the radio, and stomping on it, shattering it into pieces.

Nope stared at him. "You know you're an idiot, right?"

"Qvickly!", Robert ordered, crossing to the door. "Eye dount noe eef dey bott eet..."

"Of course they didn't buy it you jack...", Nope trailed off as his eyes crossed to a monitor. He leaned in to get a better look, "Holy goog...!"

What does Nope see? Where did the old man disappear to? Just how hungry is Nick? Is Jules really that psycho? Is C.I.A. agent Robert Smith actually that stupid? Will Wheat Lad enter the popular and busy ventilation system? What does "goog" actually mean anyway...?

THE CENTER COURT OF THE MONTAGUE SHOPPING ARCADE

"He won't get very far," said Elsie. "I've seen it in the cards. Very portentous!"

"You just dropped them on the floor," said Jules.

"They fell in occultly significant patterns," said Elsie, narrowing her eyes and glaring at Jules.

"Woah, momma," said Jules. "It's that terrorist babe again."

Nick crawled towards McDonalds on his hands and knees. After a moment he felt rather silly, stood up and walked. None of the guards gave him the slightest bit of notice; they were all busy staring up at Romy as she prepared to speak.

THE MONTAGUE MALL SECURITY STATION

Nope stared in blank amazement at the security monitor. He leaned in to get a better look, "Holy goog...!"

"Vot ees it you arr seeing?" asked Robert.

"Well, it's either some really old guy kicking seven shades of goog out of a bunch of highly trained gunmen," said Nope, "or I'm picking up the Movie channel and they're showing Jackie Chan reruns."

"Leyt mee zee," said Robert.

"Zurr," said Nope. "I mean, Sure. Now that had to hurt. And that. And he's not going to be walking much after that, I can tell you."

"Doo yah kuhno who dat ees?"

"No, why, should I?"

"Nooo, ah voz joist ahskkin."

Why me? thought Nope.

There came a thumping from the ventilation system.

"Come on," said Nope. "We better get out of here before every exit is blocked off."

He opened the door. There was the unique sound of six handguns being cocked simultaneously.

"On second thoughts," he said, slamming the door. "I think we'll stay in here."

"Poony veekling," zaid Rahbutt - I mean, said Robert, "ah veel dill weeth dese pehpull!" He yanked open the door. Nope dived under the nearest table.

After a while, he sheepishly stuck his head out. Robert was standing over a pile of bodies.

"Wow," said Nope. "How did you manage that?"

"Ahm noot ehxactlee zurr," said Robert.

Nope knelt down and turned the body over. "Well, well, well, what have we here?" He picked a couple of pieces of grain off the man's uniform.

"Ah dunt kuhno," said Robert. "Vot doo ve av ear?"

THE VENTILATION SYSTEM

I have no idea how people do this in the films, thought Tim. Did I turn left or right at the last junction?

"Where the goog am I?" he asked out loud and listened to it echo away in the distance. Cool acoustics.

He crawled on. After another couple of twists and turns, he came across a vent. Looking down he could see an empty corridor, and a door marked "The Montague Mall Security Station."

Maybe I can find that old guy on the video cameras, thought Tim. He dropped down into the corridor. Shouldn't be too much troub- Uh-oh

He ducked into a nearby alcove. Six uniformed men were walking along the corridor towards him.

"...kind of security breach on the third floor. Said something about an old man."

"They're being beaten by an old man? Bunch of wimps. Hey, shouldn't there be a guard outside this door?"

"Probably got called away..."

Third floor, thought Tim. I better go and get him out of trouble. He reached into his pockets for a double handful of grain as the men stopped directly opposite him, outside the door.

A moment later, they were lying on the floor. Tim returned the wheat to his pockets with a gesture and ran for the steps - the quicker he got there, the better things would be.

McDONALDS

Finally, thought Nick. I thought I'd never get in here.

He walked towards the back of the store where the counter was, counting his loose change. Just enough for a double pounder with extra cheese, large fries and a coke.

He looked up to order.

"What the Goog?!?!"

What has Nick just seen? What is Romy about to say? What will Tim, Robert and Nope do next? Will anyone ever explain why the Capulets have taken over the store? Will the Possum be offered a career in martial arts movies after the story is done? To be continued...

McDONALDS

He looked up to order. "What the Goog?!?!"

There seemed to be a bustling group of people running around the McDonalds. Some of them worked in the hot area of the ovens and grill, at least three had headsets, dealing with what sounded like "drive-through" orders. The people who were working at the cashier area ran back and forth, trying to gather orders. Nick was confused not only because of the business of the fast food joint considering he seemed to be their only customer at the moment, but that they were wearing referee uniforms.

"Hello sir welcome to MacPe...McDonalds, can I take your order?", the cashier girl asked him.

Nick looked up onto the display. "I'll have the double pounder with cheese trio."

She punched in some things on her cash register. "That'll be $5.89."

Nick forked out all his change, and laid it on the counter. She frowned and kneeled over, starting to count what he had.

"What's the deal with the referee uniforms?", Nick asked.

"Well, we don't really work here.", the girl answered, softly counting aloud. "We work at McPele's Foot Locker, on the other end of the mall."

Nick made a face. "Then why are you guys over here?",

"The regular MacDonalds employees didn't know what to do.", she answered, still counting change. "They said their manager disappeared suddenly, and without him, they don't know what to do."

Nick sighed. "Why are you guys so busy?"

"Apparently closing the 'drive-through' during a hostage crisis would tip off too many people that something was wrong at the mall.", the girl answered, double checking her count over.

Nick was about to point to a quarter that had seemed to escape the girl's notice, when his eyes saw the "Love Tester" by one of the pillars in the seating area. Gotta do the Love Tester, his mind rationalized...

THE CENTER COURT OF THE MONTAGUE SHOPPING ARCADE

"Attention ladies and gentlemen!", the woman announced from her perched position, overlooking the center court area, where most of the mall patrons and employees had been forcefully gathered. "Your co-operation as of yet has been excellent, keep up this behavior and no harm shall come to you."

Here it comes!, John Lincoln, AKA Jules, thought to himself. She's going to announce that this entire force is here to capture me! ME! I can't let that happen...! Hmmm, do I have any Tic-Tacs...?

"Okay, I'm ready now.", Elsie the "medium" announced, coming to Jules' side. "Pick a card, any card..."

"Dammit Joanie-"

"Elsie.", she cut in.

"...Elsie!", he corrected. "Right at this very moment, government agents are putting pounds of lethal laxative in randomly selected cases of rice pudding!"

Elsie paused. "What does that have to do with anything?"

Jules looked from side to side. "I...don't...know...!?!"

"Just pick a card.", Elsie ordered.

Jules was about to grab one, but she slapped his hand. "Don't touch, just point...!"

Jules winced, but did as she asked, pointing to one of the cards. She picked it out, staring at it long and hard.

"Well...?", Jules asked impatiently.

Elsie ignored him, enthralled by the card. He grunted as his eyes caught notice of one of the mall stores, the gates still open.

"My men are walking among you now, they are looking for someone in particular. ", the woman's voice broadcasted in the mall speakers, standing on her perched position on the second floor, speaking into the microphone. "Make no moves to stop or prevent them from doing their jobs, I have been pleased by your co-operation, but my men are under strict orders to eliminate any disturbances."

"Drat!", Jules cursed to himself, jumping through store opening, and hiding behind a box display. Looking around, he recognized the place as being "McPele's Foot Locker", the local sporting goods store. He wafted through the equipment, looking for something he'd be able to use. His eyes finally rested on a golf bag that had been knocked over, with the clubs laying strewn about the floor. He grabbed the driver and the 3-wood, holding them out in front of himself, with an insane grin on his face.

A sharp intake of breath made him leap backwards, fall to a shoulder roll, and come up with the clubs poised for attack. It was Elsie, she'd followed him into the deserted sports store. Seeing his startling advance, she dropped the card that he'd picked, it flipped through the air to land on the ground, face up, between the pair of them.

It was the 2 of clubs...

OUTSIDE THE MONTAGUE MALL SECURITY STATION

Nope stood over the six unconscious guards, examining them. Robert stood at the corner of the hall, checking around the wall's end.

"It's grain.", Nope observed, picking up some of the small bits that he saw on the guards. "That's strange..."

"Veye hees dat strhainge?", Robert asked, looking nervous.

"You're right, we haven't got time to mull it over.", Nope assumed aloud. "What with you tipping them off to us being here..."

"Eye'm noan has beenk somvhat hov a kameeleeahn bhaak hat de seeyaheh...", Robert informed Nope. "Eye dohnt noa how dey saw troo eet..."

"A chameleon, hm?", Nope stated sarcastically. "Yeah, I don't know how they saw through it either."

"Een hanny kace.", Robert continued. "Ve shoed gett howt ov heere."

Nope sighed, knowing they'd cut down on time if "Rahbuht" could speak normal English. "We'd better get to some sort of vantage point, where we can observe the situation with the hostages, and where we can do something if needed." Goog, did I just say that?, Nope wondered to himself.

"Ghood heyedeeuh.", Robert agreed, checking around the corner, signing that it was clear, and moving around, making his way down the hall.

Nope shook his head as he followed Robert. This is like some bad movie...

THE THIRD FLOOR : THE MONTAGUE MALL STORAGE AREAS

Tim opened another door, trying to figure out where the old man had gone. He'd stumbled on to a bunch of severely beaten guards. Lucky for the old man that someone had taken them out., Tim thought.

He saw many crates, on the hard cement floors, with a couple of forklift vehicles in parked positions where their last users had left them. He was about to exit the door when he heard a slight hacking cough.

"Old man?", Tim called out, running across the storage room. "Possum?"

Tim heard the sound of something being moved, the sound of rusty metal scraping. He came to the other end of the room, where there were large one way windows/mirrors, looking out over the mall's insides. Below the bay windows were smaller windows, with latches to open or close them. Tim noticed that one of them was left open.

Tim crossed over to the window and looked out. On a narrow ledge he saw the old man, shimmying across, cane in hand, while some woman on the second floor stood on a desk, speaking on a microphone, looking out over the large gathering of hostages in the center court below.

Tim was about to try to get the old man's attention, when the aged eyes turned his way on their own, knowing he was there. Tim mouthed the words DON'T DO IT, but the old man ignored him.

The old man made his way across the ledge to a point close to the woman speaking on the desk. With a smile back at Tim, and some sharp intakes of breath from the crowd below, he grabbed his cane pulling out at the handle.  The ring of sharp metal rang out as he now held some sort of thin blade. With a cough, he leapt to the air, with the blade poised above him, coming down toward the woman with the microphone...

Hey, not bad for an old coot, huh? Will the POSSUM kill the leader of the black uniformed guards? Can WHEAT LAD stop him, and should he even try? Will NOPE and ROBERT arrive in time? What do JULES and ELSIE have planned? Will NICK make it to the Love Tester? Don't change that channel...

 "When I said 'We'd better get to some sort of vantage point, where we can observe the situation with the hostages, and where we can do something if needed'", said Nope, "I was rather thinking of somewhere we could SEE AND HEAR WHAT WAS GOING ON!"

 "They'll nehva fined uz oop heyre," said Robert.

 "Of course they'll never find us up here," snapped Nope. "No on in their right mind would ever be up here!"

 "Ah av sum beenockyoulars sumwhere," said Robert.

Bet he doesn't, thought Nope.

 "Scept I theenk theyre een mih luhkurr aht Mahcdonahldz," added Robert.

Goddess! thought Nope. He searched in his backpack. Gotta have a pair of binoculars in here. Wonder what I did with those infra-red ones I borrowed from that Army Base down in – Ahhh, here they are.

Ignoring Robert, who was still frantically searching through his clothes, Nope leant out over the balcony and focused the glasses.

Looks like storage areas on the floor below us; can't see anything through that mirrored glass though. Hang on, what's this?

He focused in tighter.

It's that old man. What's he doing on—Is that a sword?

The old man leapt into the air.

MEANWHILE, AT THE DRIVE THRU'

The news van burbled to a stop as it pulled up to the counter.

"You know, Chet," said the driver, roving reporter Dan Egglestone, "There's a real story around here somewhere. A story worth something. The story that'll light my name in stars. A story that will turn me, Dan Egglestone, Boston 6 news into Dan Egglestone, head anchor at CNN!"

 "Ayup," said Chet.

 "Somewhere nearby, something is happening that will be full of drama, intrigue, passion and probably long scenes of people killing each other in gratuitously bloody and gruesome ways, all in the name of sport. Wherever it is, whatever it is, I, Dan Egglestone, will be there."

 "Big Mac and Fries," said Chet to the speaker.

 "There will come a day when I'll show all of you," declared Dan to an imaginary audience of TV news bosses. "I'll be king of the mountain! What? Oh, a cheese burger and Coke. Where was I? Oh, yes: and you all be garbage! Garbage! GARBAGE!"

 "Thank you for shopping at McPele's Foot Locker. Have a nice day, y'all."

 "It's MacDonalds," said Chet.

 "…and all the stars will be here to see me get my oscar for best reactions in a news crisis…" continued Dan.

 "Oh right, yes, sorry, it's just that the store has been taken over by terrorists and we had to stand in."

 "…and then they'll show it, the one huge story that will make my name, and all the beautiful woman will be offering me their phone numbers in case they could ever help with a news story and…" continued Dan.

 "Could happen to anyone," said Chet, "Don't think anything of it."

 "Thanks. Have a nice day."

 "Someday," continued Dan. "Someday I'll find that story. Someday."

The news van started up once more.

McDONALDS

The "Love Tester" machine sat next to the pillar and called to him.

Nick had a quarter. The Machine was free. There was no one in sight.

All he had to do was cross form McDonalds to the machine.

He ate a bite of his burger, dripping cheese.

Just a couple of steps between him and the machine. No one would see him.

He ate a couple of fries and sipped from his Coke.

All I have to do, he thought, is be real quiet; I'll just sneak across. They won't be interested in me. Yeah, that's what I'll do.

He ate a couple more fries.

If only, he thought, there was some kind of, I don't know, major distraction…

McPELE'S FOOT LOCKER

A sharp intake of breath made Jules leap backwards, fall to a shoulder roll, and come up with the clubs poised for attack. It was Elsie, she'd followed him into the deserted sports store. Seeing his startling advance, she dropped the card that he'd picked, it flipped through the air to land on the ground, face up, between the pair of them.

It was the 2 of clubs.

 "Woah," said Jules. "That's either one heavy dramatic coincidence or you really are an Extra-Large."

 "That's medium," snapped Elsie. "I don't know why you people always have to make that joke. Just because I'm a little overweight."

 "Don't take it the wrong way, babe, we do it 'cos we love ya," said Jules. "Now, grab a baseball bat and let's go make waves."

Elsie picked up the bat. "If you're sure this is the only way to go, Jules."

 "It's the way things have to be, babe. It's them or us. Good and Evil. The eternal conflict comes right down to here and now, us and them, these pieces of miscellaneous sports equipment against their guns and superior training. We may not be coming back, but at least we'll die like heroes."

 "You and me, right, Jules," said Elsie.

 "Against the world, babe."

 "Then let's do it."

 "Rock and fragging roll," snarled Jules. He ran towards the front of the store waving the golf clubs above his head.

IN THE SECOND FLOOR STORES

I better do something, thought Tim. He's gonna get himself killed.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of wheat.

The door to the room burst open and three of the black uniformed men burst in.

 "Hold it right there," yelled the first. His gun fixed unwaveringly on Tim's chest.

Ooookay, thought Tim. A distraction would be real useful sometime around now.

Meanwhile, the Possum continued his fall, sword raised for the single fatal plunge, feet locked together, his fall guided squarely towards the back of his target, ready to strike her down.

He was THE POSSUM! The world's greatest assassin. He never missed. Not once in his entire career. He never...

Oh, bugger...

Romy turned sideways at the last moment. The Possum fell past her, crashed against the microphone stand, lost his sword and continued tumbling out into open space. The Possum's headlong fall towards certain doom was stopped suddenly as the microphone wire caught round his leg went taut, leaving him swinging helplessly above the fountain.

 "Grandpa Montague?!" gasped Romy.

Will Tim escape the guards? Will Nick get to the Love Tester? Will Jules remember that he closed the door when he entered McPeles? Will the Possum escape from his humiliating failure with his pride and reputation intact? Will Dan Egglestone ever get his story? You know where to look...

THE STREETS OF SASKATCHEWAN (thought we were going to say 'San Francisco'...didn't you!?!)

"Someday", Dan Egglestone said wistfully, chomping on his burger. "Shome...*smack* ...dayuh..."

Chet reached in his own bag of food, pulling out a napkin, handing it to Dan. Dan wiped his mouth before continuing to eat. Dan chewed and watched the scenery go by, as something nagged at him.

"Can I ask you something Chet?", Dan asked.

Chet sighed. "Yes Dan, you're even better looking than when I first met you..."

"No, not that, not now! But thanks for saying it.", Dan said with a smile, his serious face returning. "Chet, just what the heck are we doing in Saskatchewan anyways?"

"Lookin' for a story.", Chet responded. "Just like you said befo-"

"I know what I said before.", Dan interrupted. "That's not the point. If I'm looking for a big story to propel me into the spotlight, what am I doing in Saskatchewan? I work in Boston for goog's sake...!"

"You're only workin' in Boston now 'cause that Buffalo station manager fired you for that lil' hot tub incident with his daughter..."

"Hey, she looked 25...!", Dan argued.

"She was 25!", Chet argued back. "It still pissed 'im off tho', dinnit? Even got 'im so mad that he fired me too, jus' 'cause I look like Eric Estrada..."

"You don't look like Eric Estrada.", Dan informed him.

"It don't matter who I looked like!", Chet cursed. "I coulda looked like MacKauley Kulkin an' he still woulda fired me, jus' 'cause I always get assigned with you..."

"Look, all that's not the point!", Dan said, looking around. "What the heck were we talking about...?"

Chet rolled his eyes. "You were talkin' about how the food tasted good..."

"Yes!", Dan said, perking up, getting ready to take another bite of his burger. "Those MacDonalds folk do good work..."

"McPele's"

"What...?"

"It wasn't MacDonalds, it was McPele's.", Chet repeated.

"McPele's?", Dan asked. "As in McPele's Foot Locker?"

"That's right."

Dan sat in a stew for a moment. "Do you realize what you just said?"

"Yeah...", Chet responded, seeing the confused look on Dan's face. "Oh, okay, yeah...they said they were workin' there 'cause the mall was taken over by terrorists..."

"Oh...", Dan murmured, taking a bite of his burger, some of the cheese dripping down onto his shirt.

The van drove on...

THE CENTER COURT(thought we were going to say '...of Wimbleton'...didn't you!?!)

"Grandpa Montague?!" gasped Romy from her perched position on a desktop, sitting on the second floor balcony.

The old man stirred from his hanging position, the microphone cord the only thing keeping him from plunging down into the fountain, surrounded by now screaming mall patrons.

"Is this a dagger I *cough* see before me...!?!", he yammered, swinging back and forth.

Romy turned to several of her black uniformed guards. "Get that old man, I want him alive!", she called. "And settle that crowd down, I'm starting to get a headache...!"

"Yes ma'am!", the guard nearest to her replied, grabbing his radio and holding it up near his mouth. "All personnel, I repeat, all personnel report to the center court, there's a disturba-"

Romy grabbed the old man's sword/cane, and fixed it to a position under the guard's neck. "Any other word, you hear me? I don't care if you say 'incident',  'commotion', 'uproar', 'imbroglio', 'intrusion', 'nuisance', or 'racket'...but never...ever...do I want to hear the word DISTURBANCE used by you or any of my crew, for the rest of my misbegotten life...do you understand!?!"

The guard gulped nervously, but gave a small nod. She removed the blade and turned to oversee the men hauling the old man back up to the second floor. They pulled him over, and he appeared very still, his body having gone limp.

Romy smirked. "Oh no, the elder Montague has died...! What ever shall we do...?"

The old man coughed. "The ruse is a success, she believes me dead...!", he said to no one, continuing to lay limp in the guard's arms.

Romy rolled her eyes, looking down at him. "Oh please, old man. Your cough gave you away before your 'self-narration' did..."

He continued to lay still and limp in the guard's arms.

Romy buried her face in her hand. "Oh, take him to the 'morgue', and post a couple of guards outside."

LOOKING DOWN FROM THE FOURTH FLOOR CATWALK(thought we were...oh forget it...)

"Dat maan!", Robert cursed, standing up. "Hees dehd!"

"No he's not, he's faking.", Nope said, focusing closer onto the scene below. "And very badly I might add."

"Ahr yoo shuar?"

"Yes, I'm sure.", Nope stated, looking around his immediate area. He saw some sort of support wire stretching out from the catwalk to the central elevator. "Okay Robert, you ready for some danger?"

Robert gulped.

I'll take that as a yes, Nope thought. "I'm going to climb across this wire to the top of that elevator. I'll ride it down to the second floor, and then 'wing it' from there I guess..."

"Ving eet?", Robert asked.

"That's right.", Nope said, crossing in front of Robert. He tested the wire, giving it a sharp tug to make sure it would support him. It would. "What I'm about to ask you may take everything you learned during all those years of training at the C.I.A. Are you up to it?"

"Uv coarss.", Robert said, poised and ready for anything.

Nope grabbed onto the wire and swung his legs up over it as well, turning to face Robert one more time. "I want you to sit there and be quiet..."

McDONALDS

Nick arched a brow as he stared back toward the center court area. Y'know..., he thought to himself, I could swear I just saw some old dude hangin' from the second floor...

Nick shrugged, noticing that either way, the guards were all distracted, and he was free to make his way to the Love Tester. He crossed the hallway discreetly, pausing to hide at any point he could. He finally crossed the hall and stood before the small machine.

He flipped the quarter in his hand, and held it poised over the deposit slot. Just then he heard some voices shout from further down the hall. He saw a couple guards running his way, shouting at the top of their lungs, yelling for him not to use it.

Busted!, Nick thought, as he prepared to run.

Just then, Jules came flying out from one of the stores, brandishing two golf clubs. In motions almost too fast to see, he swung one of the clubs, hitting one of the guards in the face, sending him tumbling backward, and then fluidly sweeping below the other's legs, sending him to the floor as well. Jules then reversed his position on the club, and bashed it into the second guard's head. He stood up with a hoarse bellow, as Elsie approached from behind him, looking quite nervous.

Jules ignored her, staring back at Nick. "Do it JOHNNY!"

Nick was about to correct him, but then decided against it. He let the quarter go, and heard it tumble within the Love Tester's innards. The Tester asked for Nick to place his hand on the glass piece, where a basic hand shape was already painted. He smiled, and placed his hand facedown on the glass.

Nick had expected a couple of blinking lights. He got more than he bargained for.

The mall lights dimmed as a bright light shot upward toward the ceiling, with Nick's hand in the center. His eyes were wide as he felt some sort of force push him back, as he fell on his posterior. Some buzzing and clicking noises loudly sounded from the Love Tester, and pieces of hidden mechanical devices began to sprout from it. They circled the entire device, finally forming some sort of smooth shield, while a panel in the mall floor opened up, and the Love Tester, started to lower. Once it had lowered out of sight, the floor panel replaced itself, and the mall lights returned to their normal brightness.

"What the @#$%&* was that!?!", Nick asked aloud.

THE THIRD FLOOR STORAGE AREAS

"Hold it right there!", one of the three black uniformed guards called out, leveling his gun in his direction.

Ooookay, thought Tim. A distraction would be real useful sometime around now...

The dim lights of the darkened storage area, went even dimmer, letting almost no light enter except for the light coming from the large one way mirrors/windows overlooking the inside of the mall. The three guards looked around, as if being able to see the source, but found nothing. When they turned back to where Tim had once stood, he was gone.

"Spread out!", the first guard called. "He can't get out without coming through this door! 69, stay here, me and 73 will flush him out."

"Okay.", 69 said, cocking his rifle and standing straight in the door's opening.

The two other guards separated at the center of the storage area, each going in a different direction, leaving 69 alone.

69 began to sweat, not hearing a sound, not even the other guards that came with him. "Guys...?", he called out.

He was startled for a second as one of the guards came flying out from his left, landing on a couple of crates on the other side of the room. He gulped as the area had returned to silence. "73...!?!", he called out.

The black uniformed guard going under the name of '73' limped out from behind the crates on the right side, pausing once to see the unconscious guard that had flown across the room. He hurried it up as he neared 69, trying to talk, "Ungh slph wooksh tung...!!"

"W-what...?", 69 asked.

The other guard bent down and spat wheat from his mouth. "Forget about this guy, we got bigger problems!"

"What is it?", 69 asked again.

The other guard pulled out his hand held display, where a red button was flashing. "Romy's not gonna be happy, someone's activated the Omega Beacon...!"

Will Nope be happier now that he's working alone? Will Robert 'sit there and be quiet'? What does Romy have planned for the Possum? Did Wheat Lad escape those guards? What was the deal with that Love Tester and does it have any connection to the mysterious Omega Beacon? We won't tell now, it'll ruin it...

"Seet heyre und bee qwiet," repeated Robert, rocking gently backwards and forwards in a hypnotic trance. Back and forth. Back and forth.

A little closer to the edge each time.

HANGING FROM A WIRE : PART 1

Nope going down the wire hand over hand thought to himself: headache's and hire wire acts don't mix. Oookay, Nope, just hang in there. Oh, goog, I can't believe I said that. Shut up and hold on.

He was now about half way along the wire stretching from the fourth floor catwalk to the elevator shaft.

At least I'm not likely to be distracted up here, thought Nope.

Everything went dark except for a column of light slashing upwards towards the ceiling.

Nope's grip slipped.

"...eeep..."

He twisted in mid air, reaching for his backpack. He had a sudden vivid recollection of leaving it behind on the catwalk. The lights came back on to give him a nice view of the ground rushing up to meet him.

"Uh-oh."

THE CENTER COURT OF WIMBLETON

"Look's like rain."

"Ayup."

"Guess we better cover the court."

"Ayup."

"Shame you can't do it without Cliff Richards starting to sing."

"Ayup."

Ooops! Wrong Center Court! What? So I stole the joke. Sue me. Sheesh!  Anyway...

THE CENTER COURT

"Morgue?" asked the guard.

"Lord save me from incompetents," muttered Romy. She reached out, grabbed the guard and pulled him down until they were at eye level. In a snarl forced between clenched teeth she said: "Take. Him. Up. To. The. Office. And.  Lock. Him. In. And. Put. A. Guard. On. Him." She shook the guard a few times to drive her point home. "Have. You. Got. That?"

"Err... yeah, I mean, yes, ma'am. Sir," said the guard, attempting to salute and look down Romy's bra at the same time. She let him go and kicked him hard in the shins for good measure.

"Always was a spirited girl," said the Possum. "Weeeee. You should have seen her in pigtails. She was cutseywootsey!"

"Right, that does it," snapped Romy. "You can frame my father for murder and leave him locked in a mental asylum for fifteen years, you can ditch my grandmother at the alter for a seventeen year old named Doris from Alabama, but you never, EVER, make fun of my hair!"

She yanked a gun out of nowhere, aimed it at the Possum and cocked it.

HANGING FROM A WIRE : PART 2

Nope reached into his jacket for his grapple gun and remembered that he had left his jacket in the photo booth when he'd changed into the gun man's uniform.

"I'm starting to get a little worried here."

The ground rushed ever closer.

OUTSIDE McDONALDS

"I've never seen a love tester do that before," said Nick. "I mean, I've heard of low scores but that's ridiculous."

"You've done it now," said Elsie, swinging a baseball club. "Do you have any idea what you've done?"

"Not really," said Nick.

"Neither have I," said Elsie, "But it looked ominous, and I'm a master at reading the signs. I'm a..."

"Size 12, I know," said Nick. "Should we be helping Jules?"

"He seems to be doing alright," said Elsie. "Besides, I have foretold victory."

"Really?" asked Nick. "Was it the seven of diamonds? Or maybe the three of spades?"

"It was the... King of Hearts," said Elsie, ominously enunciating the capitals.

There was a muffled scream as yet another guard fell to Jules whirling clubs. His voice drifted back to them: "Yeehah! Just like in the ol' country, Ma. Ride 'em cowboy. Oh yea, ah am thee Alpha AND the Oh-mee-gah, brother! Eat club you plot device you."

Another guard fell.

HANGING FROM A WIRE : PART 3

Nope twisted, reaching for the knife and rope in his boot. After half a second's frantic searching he remembered dropping it on J-Street at Halloween; after Morgan had bamfed him into the sewers he'd never got round to finding it. It was probably still hanging from a roof top somewhere.

"This is probably a good time to scream for help."

The ground got inexorably closer.

THE THRID FLOOR STORAGE AREAS

The guard pulled out his hand held display, where a red button was flashing. "Romy's not gonna be happy, someone's activated the Omega Beacon...!"

The Omega Beacon?, thought Tim, heading in the shadows, What in goog's name is an Omega Beacon?

"I think now would be a good time to leave," suggested the second guard. "Maybe we can shut it off before, you know, before they arrive."

They?, thought Tim. Why does no-one ever explain anything?!

"Come on," said the first guard. "We can't waste our time standing around here."

They rushed out. After a moment, Tim sneaked after them, and peered down the stairwell.

I suppose I better go help the old man, he thought.

SOMEWHERE IN SASKATCHEWAN

Dan thoughtfully chewed on the last remaining slice of lettuce from his burger. "Ya know, this stuff tastes like polystyrene."

"You're eating the box," said Chet.

"Oh right." Dan tossed the junk into the back of the van. This is, of course, completely incidental to the plot. Forget about it. Here's the important bit.

"Hey," said Dan, after a moment. "Did you say ' they said they were workin' there 'cause the mall was taken over by terrorists' a couple of minutes back?"

"Yep," said Chet.

"Oh," said Dan. "Chet?"

"Yep?"

"TURN THE GOOGING VAN AROUND!!!!"

Will Dan get his story? Will Nope go splat? Will Tim get his explanation? Will Jules be held up for multiple GBH? Will Romy indulge in great-patricide? Will we ever explain why all the stores begin with Mc or Mac? Gas Mark 7 for 20 minutes...

THE THIRD FLOOR STORAGE AREAS

Tim was halfway down the stairwell when he remembered the guard he'd subdued back in that large room. He climbed up the stairs, and re-entered the room.

The guard was still unconscious, lying amidst the rubble of some broken crates. Tim noticed that the crates had been full of the popular "Pantheon" action figures, and they'd been scattered all over the place. He pushed a "the Mighty Hank!" action figure off of the guard's face, and grabbed him by the collar, starting to slap him, trying to wake him up.

The guard started to come around, his eyes searching for something to focus on. Tim held him close with one hand, the other hand full of wheat.

"Allright faceless obscure guard,", Tim began, shifting his position enough to rip the guard's mask off.. "What's going on?"

"I...I can't tell you anything!", the guard insisted.

Tim opened his hand, and wheat began to flow from the handful. Two thin streams curled in the air, and went up the guard's nostrils.

The guard's eyes went wide as he could feel the wheat enter his system, and he shuddered in fear.

"Just so you know, I don't like having my wheat in your body any more than you do.", Tim offered, grinning. "So let's fix the situation, by having you tell me everything you know.."

With a gravely snort, the guard nodded...

SOMEWHERE IN MID-AIR, ABOVE THE CENTER COURT

Nope plummeted further down toward the central fountain. This is taking forever, he thought to himself. I could have made myself a baloney sandwich and squeezed myself some orange juice while I've been falling...!  That is, if I hadn't left everything needed to make a boloney sandwich and squeeze orange juice anywhere else but where I need it, that being here...

Well, we all saw it coming. He had reached for various items which might have saved him, but he didn't have them. There's no stopping it.

Having dropped from four floors above, Nope plunged into the fountain.

Nope had expected to hit the bottom of the fountain hard, but besides having hit the water at a fast rate, he was surprised to find that he felt relatively fine.

This is a strange turn of events...!, Nope thought, looking around him. He guessed he'd dropped about ten or fifteen feet below the water's surface, but no fountain is this deep, is it?

He looked to the center of the fountain, and saw a central pole that started from deeper than he could see, stretching up towards the surface. Is that the central water line that pumps up the fountain water?, he wondered.

Nope's lungs informed him that he needed air, and soon. Just as he was about to swim up to the surface, he happened to see an opening on the opposite side of the fountain wall. Thinking nothing of it, he swam up to the water's surface.

"Kill him!", was the first thing he heard as he saw the surprised faces of the hostages staring at him. Further up, he saw many black uniformed guards aiming their rifles down at him.

"Oh goog...", Nope muttered as he took a quick breath and dove back under.

THE SECOND FLOOR BALCONY OVERLOOKING THE CENTER COURT

Romy uncocked her gun as something caught her eye, and seconds later she heard a large splash. Looking over the balcony she stared down as the fountain's water was bubbling where something had fallen in.

Everyone stared in awe as a black haired individual with dark glasses surfaced from the fountain.

This is going splendidly..., Romy thought to herself, frowning. "Kill him!", she ordered, waking her guards from their reverie. They touted their rifles and aimed towards the fountain.

"...oh...goo...", Romy thought she heard as the boy dove back under the water and her guards began to fire. Over the repetitious gunfire, she could hear the fearful screams of the hostages below.

After minutes passed, she called for a halt to the gunfire. She stared down at the fountain, and saw nothing. She had at least hoped for a tinge of red, but not a clue remained of the boy even being in the fountain.

"Get down there and find him!", she ordered to the guards around her. Just then another two guards came running up. "And you are...?"

"69", said one of them, helping the other one walk. "And 73, we have bad news to report!"

"Lay it on me.", Romy stated, rolling her eyes. "It can't get any worse."

"Well, we found the source of the dis...um...problem,", guard 69 started. "And it turned out to be nothing other than some guy in the storage areas."

"But he was more than just some guy.", 73 added. "He had powers! He could-"

"Run faster than a speeding locomotive?", Romy answered for him.

"Nope.", they answered in unison.

"Leap tall buildings in a single bound?"

"Nope."

"Shoot rays from his eyes?"

"Nope."

"Lift cement trucks, control the weather, breathe underwater, change shape, call upon gifts from the gods...WHAT...!?!"

"He uh...", began 69. "It looked like..."

"He could...um...control...wheat...?", 73 finished.

Romy frowned. "That's a hell of a "super" power. When you say 'control', do you mean he's in charge of produce, or just has a whole lot of it?"

69 and 73 looked at each other.

"Uh...no, not like that. He can make it...do stuff...", 73 said.

"He made 55 go flying across the room!", 69 added. "Right into the crates!"

Romy thought for a moment. Hopefully not into the Pantheon action figures...if they're damaged in any way...!

"He stuffed my mouth full of wheat!", 73 pleaded. "I can still taste it...!"

"ENOUGH!!", Romy yelled. "Take another two units up to the storage area and eliminate this...problem."

"Yes ma'am!", they said before taking off, although 73 limped back a second later. "Oh, there was something else."

"What...?", Romy asked impatiently.

"Someone activated the Omega Beacon.", 73 informed her.

"Oh, that's just GREAT!!", Romy yelled, jumping down from the desk, her face twisted in rage. "Get down there and find out what happened, the last thing we need right now is them showing up...!"

"Of course ma'am.", 73 said, starting to limp away.

Could this get any worse?, Romy wondered to herself.

It was then she noticed that in all the commotion, that the old man had disappeared...

THE FOURTH FLOOR CATWALK

Robert rocked yet closer to the edge of the catwalk, still under Nope's influence.

"Seet heyre und bee qwiet.", he muttered again, as he rocked once more, a brief pause as his body, curled into a ball, dropped from the catwalk and down toward the Center Court below.

FIRST FLOOR : NEAR THE CENTER COURT

Jules continued to make his way through the seemingly endless amount of guards, armed with nothing more than two golf clubs.

"This is so cool...!", Nick muttered as he watched, fascinated that Jules, a psycho army veteran 'draft dodger' wearing a pink apron could be so effective against this many bad guys.

Elsie stood at Nick's side, swinging her bat as if she was helping. "Ooh, I see another guard falling to Jules' mighty swinging clubs!"

"No kiddin'?", Nick said sarcastically, scowling. "Man. you can see into the future...*sigh*"

"Yes, I ca...whoops!", Elsie exclaimed, as she dropped her deck of cards again, scattering them all over the floor.

"Geez lady!", Nick cursed, bending down to help her pick them up.

"I told you, don't touch them!", Elsie yelled, suddenly enraged. "The magic connection between myself and the cards will be broken if anyone but myself touches them!"

Just then a voice seemed to echo across the mall, as if suddenly getting closer; "seeeeeeet heeeeeeeeeyre uuuuuuuuuuuuund beeeEEEEEE QWIEEEEEE--SPLASH!!!

Nick brought his arms up to cover himself as a large wave of water seemed to flow up from the Center Court fountain, splashing everyone within 20 feet.  Nick wiped his face as he heard Elsie cursing to herself.

"Relax.", he told her. "Your cards'll dry up."

"No, it's not that.", Elsie said, crawling on all fours. "Only one card got wet...the Jack of Diamonds..."

IN THE FOUNTAIN

Nope swam deeper into the fountain, looking for that hole he'd seen earlier. He suddenly felt as if something hard had hit the water, the sound echoing below.

Goog, are they launching missiles at me now?, he wondered.

He swam a bit deeper and found the hole he'd been looking for. It was big enough for him to pass through as he swam in. He thought he'd have trouble seeing in there, but a light source seemed to be coming from somewhere. I can't stay in here forever, I hope this underwater cave opens up soon.

Nope felt an upturn in the underwater passage, and kicked harder. His mouth sucked in a large breath of air as his head broke the surface of wherever he was. It seemed to be an underground cavern of some sort, with himself swimming in the middle of a rather large pool of water. There seemed to be a light source that lit the cavern, but he couldn't detect a light source anywhere.

As he approached the edge of the pool, he noticed something blinking at him, like a reflection. He felt the cavern floor meet his feet as he rose up out of the water.

Lining the entire cavern area, up until the edge of the large pool of water, were stacks and stacks of coins...

THE PARKING LOT OF THE MONTAGUE SHOPPING ARCADE

Dan and Chet sat silent in the van, staring out at the little activity in the mall.

"The mall's closed.", Dan noticed, surveying the area. "But look at the cars, I'd say there was still plenty of people in there. It's starting to get dark, and the parking lot lights haven't come on. Ooh, I can smell it, something's not right..."

"Yeah.", Chet muttered. "And the fact dat I said the mall was bein' taken over by terrorists..."

Dan nodded grimly. "That clinches it then, something is wrong. Get a camera ready Chet, we've got to find a way in..."

THE THIRD FLOOR STRORAGE AREAS

Tim grabbed one of the action figures and started to smack the guard's head. He happened to notice it was the "Joe Grendel" figure, "Now with Angst!"  the box advertised.

"You still haven't told me what the purpose of this takeover is.", Tim insisted. "You've only told me that a woman named 'Romy' is in charge, and that you're looking for someone.

The guard shook as he held his hands up, a swarm of wheat hovering near his face.

"And what is this 'Omega Beacon'?", Tim continued. "And who are the mysterious 'they' that I heard your pals talking about?"

The guard took a deep breath. "T-The Omega Beacon is a last resort device, used by both Romy's organization and the f-family that owns the m-mall.", he said nervously. "It is o-only used when d-d-disputes get out of h-hand..."

"Disputes?", Tim asked. "Is that all this is, a dispute?"

"S-Sort of.", the guard answered. "The Omega Beacon s-summons the...the..."

"Who?", Tim asked loudly, his wheat poised in front of the guard's face.

The guard squeezed his eyes shut. "The Four Food Groups of the Apocalypse...!!!"

"Well," murmured Tim, rolling his eyes. "That certainly explains things..."

Will Wheat Lad piss off any more Pantheon members by utilizing their likenesses in action figures? Where exactly did Nope escape to? How can Jules be an "army veteran" if he's a confessed draft dodger? Do Elsie's cards actually predict the future, or is it all a bunch of hooey? Will Nick pay any price for having activated the Omega Beacon? Will Romy ever gain control of the situation? Where did the Possum escape to? Will Robert survive his plunge into the fountain? Will Dan and Chet get a clue as to what's going on inside the mall? Answers forthcoming...

THE CENTER COURT FOUNTAIN

Robert surfaced, gasping for breath; the shock of hitting water had knocked him out his trance. He crawled to the side. He looked up. He saw the guns pointing at him.

"Oh, scheizze," he said.

THE SECOND FLOOR BALCONY OVERLOOKING THE CENTER COURT

"What the--" Romy jumped back as water splashed her way. She looked down just in time to see Robert surface.

"What is it with people these days?" yelled Romy. "Anyone else want to fall out of the sky?" She glared down at the guards, fuming.

"Get him out of there and bring him here. And send someone else to find out where the old man got to. And find that googing kid!"

She turned back to the guards around her, muttering: "Why, oh why didn't I listen to mother? 'You'll never pull it off' she said. 'Something always goes wrong.' But, no, I had to do my own thing and what happens? I really hate it when mom's right!"

"Err, excuse me, ma'am?"

"WHAT IS IT NOW!?!"

"Err, well, it's, err, that is..." The guard gave up and just pointed towards the floor below.

THE THIRD FLOOR STORAGE AREAS

"The Four Food Groups of the Apocalypse," repeated Tim. "And who would they be?"

"I can't speak their names," wailed the guard, quivering in fear.

"What are we talking about here?" asked Tim. "I mean, like, Fat, Cholesterol, Artifical Flavorings and Preservatives? What?"

"Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!" screamed the man. "To even mention their names is to bring misfortune upon your house!" He cowered, throwing his hands over his head.

"Ooookay," said Tim. "I'm not going to get anything important out of you, am I?"

"Don't let them get me! Don't let them get me! Don't let them..."

Tim hit him over the head with "Fly on the Wall" figure. "With Genuine Brick Wall" announced the box. The guard slumped, unconscious.

Goog this for a lark, thought Tim. I think I oughta-- hey, what's all the commotion?

He ran over to the window and looked down.

FIRST FLOOR : CLOSE TO CENTER COURT

Elsie held up the offending card. "Only one card got wet," she said, pausing dramatically. "The Jack... of Diamonds!"

"Whoop-de-fraggin'-doo," said Nick.

"You don't understand," said Elsie. "This is very occultly significant, let me tell you."

"You're going to anyway," muttered Nick. "I wonder what caused that wave? Hope that Love Tester machine had nothing to do with it."

"Something very important is possibly about to occur, potentially involving strangely coincidental circumstances and overly complicated plot devices,"  announced Elsie.

"So what's new?" asked Nick. "Hey, look there's some guy in the fountain. Gee, it must be a lot deeper than it looks."

The guards surrounded the fountain, guns drawn.

"C'mon, we gotta do something. Hey, Jules!"

"Yo! Johnny, li'l dude, I am on the case! Frrrreeedom!!!" Jules barreled into the guards, sending them falling left and right. Nick and Elsie pulled Robert out of the fountain.

"Hey, Robert, my main man," said Jules, "how's it hanging?"

"Eet is hanghing guht, Yuless," said Robert, squeezing water out of his clothes.

"Why aincha working in McDonalds?"

"Whell, Yuless, Ahv behn meeneen to tell youh thees. Ahm reheally a ahgent vur die--"

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE," yelled Romy from above. "I'VE GOT YOU NOW!!"

Nick, Elsie, Jules and Robert found themselves in the center of a ring of heavily armed guards.

"This ain't looking good," muttered Jules.

A CAVERN UNDER THE MALL

Nope whistled appreciatively. Wish I had my backpack with me. 'Course I'd have to find somewhere that takes doubloons.

Lining the entire cavern area, up until the edge of the large pool of water, were stacks and stacks of coins, ranging from the obscurely ancient to the pointlessly modern.

Woah! Silver tetradrachms, probably from Ptolemaic Egypt. Gotta be worth at least $200 each.

Nope picked through another bag; all of the coins were in mint condition, many of them incredibly rare and all of them valuable.

Lucky I've got all this implanted info, thought Nope, identifying a bag of Systierra, an ancient and obscure Asian currency. Hmmm, I wonder why the D.E.D.A. thought a knowledge implant on ancient Earth coins would come in handy. Boy, there sure is a lot of weird info in here.

Nope counted the bags and did a rapid tally in his head. There was probably thirty or more billion dollars worth of coins piled around him.

"It's like a dragon's hoard," said Nope outloud.

There was a rattle of coins behind him, and he spun. "What the--? Who are you?"

"I? *cough* *hack* I am... THE POSSUM!"

Nope burst out laughing.

OUTSIDE THE MONTAGUE SHOPPING ARCADE

"We could try the access door, Dan," said Chet.

"Don't worry, I've done this before," said Dan. "All I have to do is use my credit card in the door lock and..." The credit card snapped. "Oh, bugger."

"The one marked 'Trader Entrance'," added Chet.

"Don't worry," said Dan. "I was quarterback in high school. I'll just knock this door down."

He took a step back and shoulder charged the door. He bounced back off. "...ow..."

"The open door. That one. Over there," suggested Chet. A shadow fell over the mall, and he glanced upwards. And the further up. And then he saw it.  "Holy goog!"

"Perhaps if I kick it," said Dan.

"Erm, Dan," said Chet.

"Or I could..."

"DAN!" yelled Chet.

"What? Look, I'm trying... WHAT THE GOOG IS THAT?"

"One hell of a special effect," said Chet, raising his camera.

They had arrived...

How will Nick, Robert, Elsie and Jules escape the ring of heavily armed guards? Will Nope and the Possum sit down for a nice friendly chat about coin collecting? Will Tim get to meet them and discuss nutrition? Will Romy give up being a terrorist and return to her Daddy's farm to tend sheep and sing in the meadows? Will the Pantheon Dolls ever catch on?  Will these questions soon take up more room than the actual chapters? What do you think...

OUTSIDE THE MONTAGUE SHOPPING ARCADE

"What? Look, I'm trying...WHAT THE GOOG IS THAT?"

"One hell of a special effect," said Chet, raising his camera.

They had arrived.

Four circular discs floated down from above, as Chet focused, each the same in size, only their large, black underbellies could be seen.

"Geez!", Dan cursed with a whisper at Chet's side. "We're being invaded! And look they're getting bigger!"

"Actually, I think dere gettin' closer.", Chet announced, continuing to focus as the circular objects neared.

"What a scoop!", Dan whispered, his mood suddenly changing. "I'm definitely gonna move up in the ranks with this story!"

"It's not a story yet Dan.", Chet said.

"It's the beginning of one! I'm gonna ride this story to the top!", Dan raved, a wide smile on his face. "Maybe it'll even get on a "World's Most Exciting News Reporters" special...!!"

"Just make sure ya don't try ta sleep with da boss' daughter dis time.", Dan muttered. "I don't know if I can handle another move..."

"Screw the network!", Dan almost cried. "I'll sleep with anyone if it gets me to where I want to go!"

"And da mike is on, so ya might wanna watch what yer sayin'...", Chet advised, smirking.

Dan was silent for a moment.

"Um, Chet?"

"Yeah."

"Remind me to hit the "Editing Room" before we hand this tape in..."

THE UNDERMALL CAVERNS

Nope burst out laughing. He knocked over several piles of coins as he reached a hand out to brace himself on the cavern wall. "I'm sorry...I thought I heard you say you were the...*ha*ha*...the Possum...!"

"I *cough*...did!", the old man stated.

"Oh, I see...", Nope said, trying to stop laughing. "What is that, your *snicker* code name or something...?"

"You could say that.", the old man said, looking shiftily from side to side. "I use it to *COUGH*...hide my true *cough*...identity..."

"Right.", Nope said, turning slightly to try and hide his smile. "Hide it why?"

"You ask alot of questions, boy.", the Possum announced, his opposite hand reaching for his cane.

"Woah, please.", Nope said, holding up his hands, his voice in a mocking tone. "I'm not looking for trouble, just keep that cane where it is."

The old man coughed as he gazed at Nope. "You've got more brains than it would seem. *COUGH*...How did you enter the secret chamber?"

"I swam in.", Nope answered. "There's some crazed terrorists-"

"Oh, don't mind Romy.", the old man wheezed. "She's just in a tantrum..."

"A tantrum?", Nope voiced. "A woman has a tantrum and she takes over an entire mall?"

"Well, not that I need to explain it to you, *cough*...but it would be practically impossible to take over a mall this size-"

"Never mind.", Nope cut in. "What's the deal with this treasure? There must be billions of dollars worth of coins in here."

"Coins?", the old man asked innocently. "What *cough*...coins?"

"These.", Nope said, kicking a stack, sending many flying in his direction.

The old man flinched backward as the coins bounced off him. He turned his gaze to Nope, and reached for the handle of his cane. "Do you wag *cough*...your tongue at me sir?", he muttered, pulling out the handle from the cane, revealing a hidden blade.

Maybe Buried Alien was right, Nope thought. I could use some work on my "people skills"...

THE CENTER COURT

Nick, Elsie, Jules and Robert stood at the center of a ring of guards, while many others had their rifles aimed in their direction from the second floor balconies. Romy stood on a desk looking down on them.

"If you so much as move a muscle, my guards will take you out without pause! Understood?", she called from her lofty position.

The four remained silent, unmoving.

"Excellent.", she called down. "Which one of you activated the beacon?"

Again, the four remained frozen.

"Look, I appreciate your enthusiasm in taking my words literally.", she said, angered. "But lets dispense with the idiocy. Raise your hand whoever activated the Omega Beacon."

The four eyed each other, all of their hands were already raised.

Romy rubbed her face in her hand. "LOOK, all I want is someone to tell me who activated the beacon! You, the large one, with the buzz cut...who activated the beacon?"

"Eye dohnt noah, eye just gaht heeuh.", Robert answered.

"What?", Romy asked impatiently. "What did you say?"

"Eye dohnt noah!", Robert said louder. "Eye just gaht heeuh!"

"See if we can get an interpreter.", Romy muttered to one of her guards, who went running off at her command. "You, the portly old woman!"

"I'm...I'm n-not p-p-portly...", Elsie said nervously fidgeting with her cards.

"Who activated the beacon, you SOW!?!"

Elsie was sweating profusely as her hands worked at her cards. She nervously held up one of them, her hand shaking as she showed to Romy.

Romy looked down from above, but couldn't tell what she was holding. "What is that?"

A guard on the first floor leaned in, taking a look. "It's a playing card ma'am!", he called up. "The Queen of Hearts!"

Romy turned away, looking off and shaking her head in rage. She slowly turned around, her knuckles going white as her arms were held rigid at her side. "You...the boy..."

Nick grinned as he looked around. "This is soooooo cool..."

Gads, I hate the youth of today!, Romy thought angrily. She turned to the last man, dressed in army fatigues, also sporting a pink apron, who seemed to be holding a conversation with himself. Her thoughts were led astray momentarily as she regarded him. She shook her head, resuming her role as angry terrorist leader.

"You!", she called down. "The...the...handsome army...type...person! Did you see...who did it?"

Jules looked up at Romy, one of his eyes blinking rapidly, as he sported an insane grimace on his face. He appeared to truly look at Romy for the first time, and any paranoid thoughts or demented ramblings that plagued his speech and actions earlier seemed to all but disappear.

"Ask what you will of me sweet one.", Jules answered, stepping forward slightly. "I'm an open book to you..."

"What the heck...?", Nick muttered, staring at Jules.

Elsie looked over at Nick nervously as a card from her deck slipped to the floor, getting stuck under Jules' foot. The King of Hearts.

"Um...a parking lot machine?"", Nick asked.

"Plot device!", Elsie whispered harshly. "Complicated plot device! Does no one listen to me...my cards hold the key to the future...!"

Nick turned to face Elsie again. "Wha...? Oh sorry, what did you say...?"

Elsie's face began to turn red.

THE THIRD FLOOR STORAGE AREAS

Tim looked out the window, into the back lot truck entrance to the mall. Four blackened disks floated down from the sky, with figures standing atop of them. The Four Foodgroups of the Apocalypse, hmmm?, Tim wondered. Looks like I might get my first chance to break out into the superhero scene!

Tim was wakened from his roaming thoughts by a woman screaming from within the mall. Nick!, Tim thought. I forgot all about him! Goog, I hope he's safe!

"...story...lifetime...", Tim heard voices drifting up from outside in the back lot. From his high vantage point he saw two men hunched down behind some piles of snow that had been plowed, one of them with a shoulder camera.

Damn!, Tim thought. What should I do...?

Will Wheat Lad choose to check on his cousin Nick, or will he help rescue Chet and Dan from the presumed "Four Foodgroups of the Apocalypse"? Is Nope in a danger from the Possum? What's the deal between Romy and Jules? Is Elsie going to blow her top at Nick's lack of attention? Will Robert get an interpreter? Why were no more "Pantheon Action Figures" mentioned in this chapter? Make sure to "click" on Chapter 17...

OUTSIDE THE MONTAGUE SHOPPING ARCADE

 "Hey," said Dan, "they've stopped moving. I wonder what they're doing. They look like their thinking. I wonder if they can see us. Are you getting good shots of this Chet?"

 "I'm too busy hiding," said Chet.

 "Oh, stop worrying," said Dan. "It's only a bunch of alien saucers. I've seen worse things hundreds of times."

 "Yeah," said Chet, "and seeing those 'things' has got you sacked from more jobs than..."

 "Shhhh," interrupted Dan. "I think something's happening."

 "Hey," said Chet. "Can you see this? They seem to be splitting up!"

 "Perhaps they're crashing," suggested Dan. He considered where they would land. "Uh-oh."

 "No, wait," said Chet. "It seems regular. Woah!"

"Wow," said Dan. "Will you look at that. Bet the Air Force would love to get their hands on those. Hey, what's that ship doing now?"

There was a blaze of neon blue light.

THE UNDERMALL CAVERNS

The old man reached for the handle of his cane, and revealed the hidden blade. "Do you wag *cough*...your tongue at me sir?"

"Look, Mr. Possum," said Nope, "I'm really not in the mood for this right now. I mean, I only came in to be a ring for my girlfriend. I didn't expect to be in the middle of a terrorist - er - tantrum and..."

"Hah! I know thy plan, knave! Thou attempts to *cough* distract me with thy churlish words and simpleton *hack* excuses and so weaken my position. Have at thee, you smiling damned *coff* *hurrrk* villain!"

"Ooookay," muttered Nope. "Other people get Doctor Doom, Davros, Darkseid or even Doomsday. What do I get? Daft-old-man." He side-stepped the Possum's lunge.

The old man turned with surprising agility, striking again, but the coins beneath his feet slipped and the sword-cane missed Nope and embedded itself in the wall.

"I'll get thee yet," yelled the Possum, tugging on the sword. It was firmly stuck. "You scurvy valet! May misfortune chap at your heels!"

"Let me guess," said Nope. "Frustrated Bacon - er, I mean Shakespearean actor, right?"

The Possum continued to swear in unintelligible old English while tugging on the sword which resolutely failed to come out of the wall.

"Sheesh," said Nope. "Oh well, if you found your way in, there must be a way out. Have fun."

He wondered away to search for it. As soon as he was out of sight, the Possum grinned, removed the sword from the wall with casual ease and returned it to its hiding place. He straightened up the bags of coins that had been knocked over and then began to surreptitiously follow Nope...

THE THIRD FLOOR STORAGE AREAS

Damn!, Tim thought. What should I do...? From his high vantage point he saw two men hunched down behind some piles of snow that had been plowed, one of them with a shoulder camera. Glancing the other way, down into the store, he could make out the people in the center court, but not enough to distinguish features. Still, if Nick was down there, it looked pretty safe. There seemed to be a man and a woman talking on the second floor.

There was a flash of neon blue light. Well, that simplifies things, thought Tim, looking out. A smaller, quarter circle segment had broken off from each of the larger ships and joined together to form a smaller ship, also circular. It was hovering directly outside; neon blue light shot from its base and was bathing the two men. They started to float into the air.

With a gesture, Tim smashed a hole in the window with a handful of wheat and flew through it. Moving as fast as he could, he grabbed the two men; at the same time he directed the cloud of grain surrounding him to rise up and strike at the source of the light. The grain struck with the speed and strength of .45 caliber bullets; they had no effect.

 "Hang on," yelled Tim. "I've got you." He dodged a second ray of light.

 "Got me?" asked Dan. "Who's got you?!"

 "Nice Superman reference, Dan," said Chet, happily looking around and filming things.

 "Gaaak," said Dan. "Put me down, I hate heights, I fell like I'm going to throw chunks."

 "You better not," snapped Tim. Holy-- He dodged a third ray of light, and dropped earthwards; leaving Dan and Chet behind, taking a quick moment to check they were okay, he shot skyward once more, surrounded by swirling wheat and a shifting nimbus of golden energy. At full power he struck the ship.

It had no effect.

There was a flash of neon light, and Tim vanished. A moment later, there was another flash of light and Dan and Chet, who had been running away across the snow, also vanished, leaving an abruptly terminated line of fleeing footprints...

THE CENTER COURT

"You!" Romy called down. "The...the...handsome army...type...person! Did you see...who did it?"

"Ask what you will of me sweet one," Jules answered, stepping forward slightly. "I'm an open book to you..."

 "Your face seemed for a moment to be familiar... As if we'd met before, somewhere in a dream."

 "I feel it too. Fate has brought us to this point, fair lady," proclaimed Jules. He stepped through the line of guards as if they weren't there and began to climb the spiraling staircase to the second floor. The guards moved to stop him but Romy waved them away.

 "I must know who... who activated the... the Omega Beacon," stammered Romy as Jules got closer. "I must..."

 "What does it matter? My name is John Lincoln, but you may call me Jules."

 "Jules... the Omega Beacon... I must..."

 "Will you not tell me your name? Perhaps I should call you Ra, the fair sun whose beauty is greater than Niobe, the goddess of the moon. Or should it be my lady?"

 "Romy. My name is... is Romy."

 "It is my lady, it is my love. Two of the fairest stars in heaven, having some other business, entreat your eyes to twinkle in the sky till they return; but your bright eyes cast forth such light that the dawn chorus would sing, thinking that it was no longer night."

Romy blushed, turning away. In another step, Jules was at her side, raising a trembling, hesitant hand towards her.

 "Please," she said, almost silently, "I have to... I have..."

 "She speaks," whispered Jules. "Oh speak again, bright Angel, for you are as glorious to me as the winged messenger of heaven is to the wondering eyes of mortals that fall bake to gaze on him when he strides across the sky."

 "Who are you?" she asked, turning to him and searching his face. "Who or what are you that you can confuse me so?"

 "Can't you feel it?" asked Jules, lifting her hand to lie against his chest. "Like opposite poles of a single magnet, forever pulling us together."

 "I don't know... I feel..." She pulled away reluctantly, shaking her head. "Not now, not when they are paused above us, preparing their retribution. If you are -- Why should we meet now?"

 "These people you speak of -- who are they?"

 "Harbringers of doom," she whispered, head bowed, eyes dark with some nameless dread. "Dark and hungry powers. The Last Resort. They have many names, each more foul than the next. They are... The Four Food Groups of the Apocalypse."

The guards within hearing range all gasped and went white.

Jules pulled her into his arms. "Then, if this be the ending, what better time to meet? If there is to be no later, better we should meet now, then never. Do you believe that I love you?"

 "I-- How can I be sure--"

 "If my words cannot win you, perhaps this--" Jules tilted her head to meet his and they kissed. Her eyes closed and remained that way for a long moment after his lips left hers.

 "You are the one," began Romy. Her eyes suddenly filled with fear and she pushed him away. "To have found you and to lose you so soon... Quickly, you must go. They'll come down soon; if they see us together, they will kill you, no matter what you say or do."

Jules said: "Your eyes hold more peril than twenty of them, should you but look at me sweetly; I am proof against their enmity."

 "Please," begged Romy. "Go, now. For all the world I would not want them to see you here."

 "Tell me you'll come with me, and we'll go," said Jules. "Otherwise, let them find us here. My life is better ended by their hate than by want of your love."

 "What brought you here, to this now, to this place, to me? When we have so little time left?"

 "Perhaps some malicious fate would seek pleasure in the spoils, but love can hold us together."

 "My mind tells me I should be cold, cruel, the perfect leader, deny what I have said," said Romy. "But my heart? Who do you love, Jules? I know you'll say me, and I will take your word; yet if you swear you may prove false..." She turned away, but he caught her shoulders and turned her back to him.

 "I would never speak anything but the truth to you," he swore.

 "Oh, Jules, If you love me, tell me faithfully, or if you think I'm too quickly won, I'll pretend distance and let you woo me, but otherwise please don't say anything. In truth I find myself suddenly too fond of your to bear any dishonesty."

 "I swear by my name that I do love you and will always love only you."

 "No," said Romy, "not by your name; names are too inconstant, too easily changed."

 "Then what?"

 "Do not swear at all, just tell me: do you love me?"

 "If my heart dares love, it dares love you."

 "Alas," said Romy, "although I my heart is filled with joy, I cannot hold faith while under these shadows. But, Jules, if we live through this, if we escape them intact, tell me again, swear then that you love me, and I will always be yours."

 "If I must survive for your love," said Jules, "then survival is the easiest thing in all the world."

They kissed.

The ship crashed through the glass top of the mall and fell, coming to rest hovering just above the second floor. Slowly, the bottom of the ship began to glow with neon blue light as a hatch opened...

Will Jules and Romy survive long enough to make something of their sudden understanding or will they just continue to mindlessly misquote Shakespeare? Why is the Possum trailing Nope? What happened to Tim, Dan and Chet? Will Nick and Elsie worry about all that falling glass or will the suddenly opening ship distract them? There's only one way to find out...

SOMEWHERE...

Absolute darkness.

"Can we get some light in here?", someone called out.

"I feel naked.", another said.

"You're naked?", Tim asked.

"I said I feel naked, I didn't mean...", the voice trailed off. "Oh goog, I am naked."

Tim shifted sideways, away from the voice. "Where are we?"

"I dunno.", someone answered.

"Neither of you are naked?", the other voice asked.

"I'm assuming that you're the two I tried to save from those disc things?", Tim asked.

"That's us.", someone said. "I'm Chet."

"Is it safe to assume that I'm the only one naked?", the other voice asked again.

"Howdy Chet. I'm...", Tim trailed off. He'd seen one of the men with a camera, and the other one had a suit. Were they reporters?, Tim thought. Only a select few people actually knew that Tim had his wheat powers, and he didn't quite feel like giving his name to reporters. It didn't quite help that Tim hadn't chosen an actual "superhero" name yet...

"Neither of you are naked, are you?", the other asked.

"Shut up Dan!", Chet groaned. "You were sayin' kid...?"

"My name is...", Tim said, pausing. "Call me...Wheat Lad..."

THE CENTER COURT

"Cool!", Nick exclaimed. "Lots of pieces of glass dropping towards us...!"

Elsie seemed preoccupied, staring at her cards. She shook her head, not believing what she'd just "read" from them, and shuffled again.

"Vaht did joo saye leedel boy?", Robert asked.

Elsie picked a card, staring at Robert. The Ace of Spades. He would have been a crucial part of whatever lay ahead in the future, but it was not meant to be.

The crowd screamed as the many shards of glass came barreling down at them.

"Nooooooo!", Elsie screamed, standing quickly, and leaping away...

...Knocking Robert from his feet, sending him sprawling to the floor. He covered his head as he heard the glass hitting the mall floors.

"Vas isht...?", Robert muttered, slowly opening his eyes.

"Elsie...!", Nick whispered, kneeling over the fallen "medium". She lay on the ground, staring upward, with a large piece of glass sticking through her belly, wincing in pain.

Robert crawled over carefully to Nick and Elsie, making a quick assessment of the damage. "Eet's bahd..."

"Elsie...", Nick whispered again, holding her hand.

"My...cards...", she tried to say, coughing blood.

Nick was about to retrieve the spilled deck, but held back. "But you said...no one is supposed to...touch..."

Elsie managed a smile, her eyes starting to flutter. "They're...just...cards..."

Nick gathered the deck and placed it in her limp hand. He shook his head, seeing that Elsie's head had come to rest in a final position, her eyes staring forward in a fixed gaze as her last breath slowly made it's way out her body.

"She...she sayvud mie layef...!", Robert exclaimed.

"She sure did, dumbass.", Nick said, standing up. "And I sure hope it was worth it..."

THE UNDERMALL CAVERNS

Nope felt like he was going in circles. He'd found an opening on the other side of the coined cavern, but it had led to many senseless passages, with many branches, all looking the same.

Well, this is great, Nope thought. Playing Dungeons & Dragons, and me without my twelve sided dice...

He kept wandering until a smell started to reach his senses. He followed along until he came to a wooden ladder that rose to a ceiling hatch. He took another big whiff...

McDonalds...?, Nope wondered to himself.

THE SECOND FLOOR BALCONY OVERLOOKING THE CENTER COURT

Slowly, the bottom of the hovering ship began to glow with neon blue light as a hatch opened. Four black disks emerged from the opening, and set down in front of Romy and Jules, while dozens of guards stood behind them, weapons drawn.

Red shafts of light shot upward from the disks, as tiny white points of light began to gather over each of the four. The lights gathered to make shapes, human type shapes. With a red pulse, all light disappeared, and four figured stood on the black disks.

Jules and Romy broke from their kiss to see the four standing before them. Romy stared without turning backward. "No one fire, you hear me? No one fire!"

"Well said Ms. Capulet.", the second figure called, a loud and booming voice. "We would be most displeased to have to kill you..."

"Capulet...?", Jules whispered, breaking contact with Romy. "You're a...Capulet?"

"Yes my love.", Romy answered.

Jules seemed staggered. A madness seemed to take over his eyes for a moment, but he fought it off. "I...haven't been totally honest with you Romy."

Romy seemed taken aback. "Oh...?"

Jules stared at her. "My full name is John Lincoln Montague..."

Holy shnykies! How will Romy react to Jules' revelation? Where are Wheat Lad, Dan, and Chet being held (and why is Dan naked?)? For what crucial factor did Elsie sacrifice herself for Robert? Is this what Nick expected of his trip to the mall? Will Nope be led by his sense of smell to freedom, and is the old man following? Will the Four Foodgroups of the Apocalypse really take to being ignored thus far? Will we ever find out just what foodgoups the four represent, or their names for that matter? Can't tell you yet...

McDONALDS

There was a loud clang as of someone trying to force open a metal hatch, the slapping thuds as of someone falling down a ladder, a louder muffled thud as of someone hitting the ground some distance below, promptly followed by a loud muttering as of someone swearing in thirty different languages.

 "Did you hear that, our Susie?"

 "Hear what, our Dave?"

 "Sounded like someone trying to open the hatch, our Susie."

 "The one under the oven, our Dave?"

 "That would be the one, our Susie."

 "Do you think we should move it, our Susie?"

 "Move what, our Dave?"

 "The oven over the hatch, our Susie."

 "I guess we could at that, our Dave."

 "Okay then, our Susie."

There was a sound suspiciously like a hatch being forced open again, only to hit the bottom of a half ton oven, followed by a series of expressions which,  if used in full, would result in this chapter being banned in fifteen states and declared cult viewing in twelve more.

 "I think perhaps we ought to move it now, our Dave."

 "I'll get the others."

All the McPele workers rushed over and helped to move the oven. One of them opened the hatch, glanced inside, and then slammed it closed.

 "IT'S A VAMPIRE!!!"

 "Quick, move the oven back over the hatch!"

 "Too late!"

The hatch exploded outwards, sliding to rest on the other side of the kitchen. Nope vaulted out. "Right," he snapped, "which one of you--"

 "QUICK! GRAB THE GARLIC! GRAB THE--"

Nope grabbed the screaming worker by the jacket, pulled him in until the two were almost eyeball to eyeball, and hissed: "I am not a googing vampire, okay?"

 "...eep..." said the worker, and promptly fainted.

 "He's killed our Eddy! Get him! Get the vampire!"

 "Oh, for googs sake," muttered Nope, suddenly finding himself at the center of a large group of people in referee uniforms wielding griddle irons and spatulas...

SOMEWHERE...

"My name is..." Tim said, pausing. "Call me...Wheat Lad..."

 "Wheat Lad?!" The two reporters burst out laughing.

 "Hey," said Tim. "What's wrong with Wheat lad?"

 "You *heh heh heh* you haven't been in this business very long, have you," said Dan.

 "Wheat Lad," sniggered Chet.

 "I saved your lives," pointed out Tim. "Well, almost, anyway."

 "Perhaps you better call your superhero buddies," said Dan, giggling. "Like Maize Woman."

 "And Barley Girl," put in Chet. The two reporters collapsed into a fit of sniggering.

 "Don't expect me to save you then," snapped Tim in a huff. I bet this sort of stuff never happens to Nope.

McDONALDS

 "Look," said Nope, "I'm telling you, I'm not a vampire, I'm a hero."

 "Oh, yeah, pull the other one, it's got bells on it."

 "I'll have you know I'm a member of the JSTF and I--"

 "Never heard of them."

 "Oh," said Nope, looking a bit crestfallen. He tried again: "How about the Pantheon?"

 "Ain't heard of them, either."

 "Oh, come on, you must know them. Joe Grendel. Amazon. Hatman. Joe Gallagher. Merlin. Cowman. gail. All that lot?"

 "No." There were blank stares all round.

 "Ooookay," said Nope, "we'll just have to come back to that one. But I am a hero, you know. Sort of."

 "Oh yeah? So what's your name? Vampire-man? The Human Blood Sucker?"

 "I'M NOT A GOOGING VAMPIRE!" yelled Nope, adding, "and my name's Nope."

 "So you're not telling us your name, then?"

 "No, it really is 'Nope'. I have weird parents."

 "Not very heroic is it."

 "And I suppose your name is?" sneered Nope.

 "No, but I'm not the one pretending to be a hero, Mr. Fangs."

 "RIGHT, THAT DOES IT," yelled Nope. "You all think you're--"

 "Hey, look, it's THE... POSSUM!"

 "Possums! No, wait, that isn't what I meant to -- Did you just say 'The Possum'?"

SOMEWHERE...

Tim searched his pockets, pulling out a handful of wheat. He held it up and, as he concentrated, the grains began to glow with their own golden light. They were in a circular, dome shaped room. There was a door set in one wall that was shaped like an upside down kite with the corners cut off.

 "Bet that saves you from using flashlights," said Chet.

 "Hey!" said Dan. "Turn it down! I'm naked here!"

 "No one's looking at you," said Chet.

 "In fact we're trying our best not to," added Tim. "Why are you naked anyway?"

 "I don't know," yelled Dan. "Chet, are you still filming this?"

 "I don't have my camera," said Chet sadly. "Besides, I'm not sure you naked in a U.F.O. would make good news anyway."

 "The door's locked," said Tim. He examined the lock. It seems to be some sort of magnetic seal, if I could just force the magnets apart! Grain flew from his pockets and into the door frame.

 "You're the hero," said Chet. "Do something, Wheat Lad. Hah! Wheat lad!"

 "I am doing something," snapped Tim. After a couple of seconds, the grain began to sprout, forcing shoots and roots into the tiny gap between door and frame. Tim increased his power, forcing more grain in. A moment later, there was a humm of overloaded servomotors, and the door swished upwards. "There ya go. One exit. I think you guys better wait her while I go look around."

 "Not bloody likely," said Chet.

 "Find me some clothes while you're out there, would you," said Dan.

 "Aren't you coming with us?"

 "I'm not wondering around an alien spacecraft with no clothes on."

 "Fair enough," said Tim. He and Chet snuck out into the corridor.

 "Going somewhere?" asked the horribly beweaponed guard...

THE CENTER COURT

"She...she sayvud mie layef...!" Robert exclaimed.

"She sure did dumbass," Nick said, standing up. "And I sure hope it was worth it..."

 Around them, people were panicking, screaming and running to and fro, covered in scratches and worse from flying glass. Only Robert, protected by Elsie, and, for some miraculous reason, Nick remained untouched. The remaining guards in the center court were too busy trying to calm people down to pay much attention to them.

 "Come on," said Nick, "now's our chance. If we can just find Tim.."

 "Teem?" asked Robert. "Who iz dis Teem?"

 "Maybe our last chance," said Nick, "much as I hate to but all my faith in a guy who calls himself Wheat Lad of his own free will."

 "Wheet Lahd?"

 "If you think that's bad," added Nick, "Tim knows a guy named Nope who looks just like a vampire."

 "I'm not a sodding vampire," snapped someone from behind him.

 "hee hee hee what a stupid name," giggled someone else.

 "You can shut up as well, old man. And stop following me."

 "That's THE... POSSUM! *cough* *hack* and I'm not following you. You're going where I need to be."

 "Yeah, whatever..."

THE SECOND FLOOR BALCONY OVERLOOKING THE CENTER COURT

 "You're a... Montague?!" Romy gasped, backing away. "Oh, no!"

~yOu AcTiVaTeD tHe OmEgA bEaCoN~ hissed the smallest of the four figures. He was dressed in a greenish-yellow suit of indeterminable color and his features shifted and slid under your gaze, never quite framing a full face.

"A Montague... but you... I thought..." Romy stumbled into silence.

 "And you..." whispered Jules. "...a Capulet."

 "Our presence was requested." said the second figure.

Romy and Jules ignored them, facing each other, a hundred unspoken questions in their eyes.

*We will not be ignored* The third figure was female and dressed in an outfit that appeared to made of billions of tiny beads, each randomly changing color. *Which of you summoned us?*

There was no reply. The fourth figure drew itself up to its full height. It looked as if someone had poured oil into a vaguely human shape and somehow left it standing up right. "you will answer or we will kill you. surely you know that.  now, which one summoned us. monatgue or capulet. hurry. answer. or we shall choose. arbitrarily. and you will all die. answer us."

 "Its my fault they're here," said Jules, softly, his eyes not leaving Romy's face.

 "Then you..." she began.

 "I did not know," he begged her. "Surely now, after all this, names don't matter?"

"Perhaps. But it's been so long. We've thought so hard."

~eNoUgH. hE sUmMoNeD uS. wE kNoW wHaT mUsT bE dOnE~

 "We will show them the extremes of pleasure and pain."

*And then we will spend an eternity killing them*

 "for that is how it is done. that is how it is written. our agreement will stand while we are bound. come child. let us show you what lies beyond your tiny realm"

 "NO," yelled Jules, shoving Romy back. "I won't let you."

 "Jules, no," said Romy, grabbing him, "they'll kill you."

 "They'll kill you as well," snapped Jules, backing away and pushing Romy after him. I wish I'd kept hold of those clubs.

The figures on the four disks began to float towards them...

Uh oh! Is this the end for Jules and Romy? Will Tim and Chet escape the horribly beweaponed guard long enough to find Dan some clothes? Will we ever learn the names of the 4FGotA? Where does the Possum need to be, and why is he still following Nope? Will Nick and Nope join forces or will they be too busy running away? And what is Robert's purpose in all this? Find out soon...

THE SECOND FLOOR BALCONY OF THE MONTAGUE SHOPPING ARCADE

The figures on the four disks began to float towards them.

"Um...excuse me...?", one of the black uniformed guards called from behind Romy and Jules. "Perhaps you should tell us your names for those who aren't familiar with them."

"What purpose would that serve?", the second figure asked as all four disks once again paused in mid-air. "You all know who we are."

"Yes, but...", the guard persisted, cocking his head sideways.

"Oh very well...", the second figure conceded, waving the others forward. "Roll call."

The first figure stepped from it's disk. He was wearing a greenish yellow suit of indeterminable color, but upon closer inspection, it wasn't a suit at all, but transparent casing of some sort. The greenish yellow color was what the figure's body actually appeared like. The only part of the casing that was open was above the neckpiece, where his features shifted and slid, never quite framing a full face.

~I aM tHe JeLlO tWiNkIe.~, his ominous voice announced, amidst a slight slurping sound.

The third figure stepped from her disk, dressed in an outfit that appeared to made of billions of tiny beads, each randomly changing color. Many of the beads swayed back and forth as she moved, some of them hanging off different parts of her body, like a broken string of pearls. When she smiled, her teeth were an absolute black.

*I am Gob-Stopper*, she said curtly, her voice sounding distorted, as if she had a mouthful of marbles.  That, or because of the blackened teeth. *Brush at your peril!*

The fourth figure seemed to glide off his disk, leaving a trail of blackish ooze wherever he moved. It looked as if someone had poured oil into a vaguely human shape and somehow left it standing up right.

"i am greasy fry.", he said plainly, barely being able to be heard, the oil-like substance that covered him bubbled at his mouth as he spoke.

The second figure, who seemed to be in charge of the four, stepped off his disk. As his foot touched the mall floor, his entire leg thickened into a brownish, angular limb. As his other foot touched down, the rest of his body underwent the same transformation, until he was a giant human shaped mound of...chocolate.

"I'm Henry.", he announced. "Any questions?"

No one said a word.

THE CENTER COURT

"Noahpe!", Robert exclaimed. "Eye tot heye'd laost yoo!"

Well, that plan certainly backfired, Nope thought to himself. "Yeah, it's good to see too Robert.", he looked down to the ground. "Okay, what's with the dead old lady, and the golf clubs?"

"Shee sahkrifeyes'd hiurseff for mee.", Robert said, looking down sadly.

"Right.", Nope said, looking to Nick. "What did you say Tim described me as?"

"He said you looked like a vampire.", Nick said, nodding and smiling. "And I gotta say, he wasn't that far off!"

"Great.", Nope muttered. "Remind me to make Tim jump in cow turds the next time I see him, alright?"

"Hey, you can tell him yourself.", Nick answered. "He's here in the mall, somewhere..."

Really?, Nope wondered. What were the chances of that?

"I think I *cough*...met young lad by the *HACK*...name of Tim once...", the old man announced. "I *COUGH*...had to dispatch him of course...*hack**hack*..."

"No offense old man, but you couldn't take down my little sister.", Nick said smirking. "Much less my cousin."

"No, no...", Nick whispered. "Don't get him riled up..."

"Uh hello...?", one of the many guards with rifles aimed at them called. "Gun toting guards surrounding you, wanna pay more attention please?"

"Oh right.", Nick said, raising his hands, as the rest did the same.

Nope stared at the rest of them, shoving his hands in his pockets as he stared around at the many mall patrons, still very nervous, alot of them clutching each other for support.

"Okay, first things first.", Nope said to himself, stepping ahead of everyone. "Could I get all the black uniformed guards gathered in front of me, that's good...that's good...great."

All the guards that had the Center Court surrounded came within visual range of Nope (excluding the many dead or unconscious ones Jules had taken out with the golf clubs, or the ones currently in awe of the 4FGotA).

"Listen up!", Nope called out to the group of them. "Get Lost!"

The black uniformed guards seemed to look around all of a sudden, dropping their rifles and starting to walk cautiously around the mall.

Nick was about to cheer, when Nope fell backward, blood coursing from his nose. Robert quickly reached out and grabbed him by the arms, holding Nope up.

"Ungh...", Nope muttered. "Haven't tried...that many...people...at once...before..."

"Woah.", Nick said, grinning. "That was sooooo cool! 'Jedi mind tricks' rock!"

"Not exactly what...I did but...close enough...", Nope said, shaking his head. "Is there a...drug store here...in the mall...?"

"I don't know, is there Susie?", Dave asked.

"I think so Dave.", Susie answered.

"Oh wait, I remember Susie.", Dave announced.

"You do Dave?", Susie asked.

"Yes Susie.", Dave answered.

"What is it Da-"

"ENOUGH!", Nope yelled, clutching his head. "You two are only making it worse...where is it?"

"Down there", Dave said, pointing toward the far end of the shops. "It's Mac-"

"I really don't care what it's called." Nope cut in. "You go on and get me as much aspirin as you can carry, got it?"

"Right. Bye Susie, seeya later!", Dave called before running off.

"Bye Dave!", Susie called after him.

"You.", Nope said, pointing to Susie as he wiped the blood from his nose onto his sleeve. "Go back to McDonalds and tell your co-workers to get over here to the center court."

"You got it mister.", Susie said, running off.

"Robert.", Nope said, shrugging off his help, but leaning on a pillar. A quick look around let him note that the old man, the 'Possum' had disappeared again.  "Gather up all the rifles and drop them into the fountain, trust me, it's deeper than it looks."

"Okaye Noahpe.", Robert said, bending down to pick up the rifles.

"What about me?", Nick asked.

"Gather up these hostages.", Nope said, shifting his gaze upward. "We got a flying googin' saucer to steal..."

SOMEWHERE...(but we're all pretty sure it's the Flying Saucer, aren't we...?)

"Find me some clothes while you're out there, would you," said Dan.

"Aren't you coming with us?", Tim asked.

"I'm not wondering around an alien spacecraft with no clothes on."

"Fair enough," said Tim, letting all of the floating wheat gather back into his pockets as he 'powered down'. He and Chet snuck out into the corridor.

"Going somewhere?" asked the horribly beweaponed guard.

"Uh yeah.", Tim answered meekly. "We're trying to escape."

"Oh.", the guard responded. He seemed to be literally cover from head to toe with all varieties of weapons, from blunt, to edged, to assault weaponry, to some no one had ever seen before. "Do you need a weapon?"

Tim and Chet looked at each other.

"I could use on a those there...", Chet asked, pointing toward the beweaponed guard's side.

"Oh excellent choice.", The guard said, unhooking the large contraption. "Extrememly light but very powerful, and a perfect gift for the holiday season."

Chet accepted the weapon, smiling as he held the large, though suprisingly light weapon with one arm.

"How about you sir?", he asked Tim.

Tim was looking down the corridor, but turned back once he felt he was being addressed. "Oh, I'm fine, thanks."

"Anything else I can help you with."

"Uh, the other guy in there...", Chet said, pointing back in the cell. "He could sure use his clothes..."

"I understand, but it's actually quite confounding.", the guard informed them. "When he showed up here, he had no clothes, it was the darndest thing!  Must've had a bug in the trans-warp-beam-thingee...and if that's what the problem was, your friend is lucky to still have his head attached to his body, it could've been a lot worse than just having his clothes missing...!"

A whimper and then a light thud could be heard from within the cell.

"Gotcha.", Chet said, nodding.

"Do you have anything he could wear?", Tim asked. "Anything that'll keep him from being totally naked?"

"Well...", the guard started to say. "I'll have to check in the back..."

Never thought we'd make it to Chapter 20, did you, you negative Nellies? Will Nope's plan work? Where did the Possum disappear to again? Why were Jules and Romy so silent this chapter? Why was the beweaponed guard so helpful to Tim and Chet? Is Dan's quest to finally not be naked almost over? Just what the heck is a trans-warp-beam-thingee anyway?  Are we better off now that we know what the Four Food Groups of the Apocalypse's names are the Jello Twinkie, Gob-Stopper, Greasy Fry, and Henry? Who knows...

THE SECOND FLOOR BALCONY OF THE MONTAGUE SHOPPING ARCADE

"I can't believe you're a Montague," said Romy. "I should hate you and yet..."

"And you a Capulet," said Jules. "If you had but any other name..."

"But names are so inconsequential in the ultimate scheme of things," argued Romy.

"Perhaps," said Jules, considering. "For in a thousand years we will both be no more than food for the worms, and who would care if we be Capulet or Montague then?"

"Aye," agreed Romy. "And if our enemity should mean anything..."

"...it should be eternal," said Jules. "Since we do not have eternity..."

"...it means nothing," finished Romy with a smile that lit up the mall. "Are we agreed, then?"

"Absolutely," said Jules.

"SHOOT THEM!" yelled Romy. The two lovers dived aside as the black uniformed guards let rip....

THE CENTER COURT

"Gather up these hostages," Nope said, shifting his gaze upward. "We got a flying googin' saucer to steal!"

"A saucer to steal?" asked Nick.

"Ayup," said Nope, making sure Robert threw the guns into the deepest part.

"Is it a good idea if I tell people this?"

"Probably not."

Nope turned as the girl ran up, dragging her fellow employees behind her. "Ahh, Susie. I want your and your co-workers to go and fetch every bat and golf club and such from the sports shop. Oh, and a handful of golf balls as well."

"Yes, sir," saluted Susie. "C'mon our Nick, our Sarah, our Helen, our Bob, our Pete, our..."

"Hold on a sec," interrupted Nope. "Are you telling me you're ALL related?"

"Well, sure," said Susie. "Everyone who works here is related to the two houses in some way or other." She rushed off towards the sports store.

"Definitely a lot of inbreeding," muttered Nope.

There came a sudden hail of gunfire from above them. Nope turned to see the guards retreating from the 4FGotA, firing as the moved. One of the figures raised a com unit to where it's mouth probably was, and said something that sounded to Nope like:

"...big...weapons..."

Nope had a solution to situations like this. It went: "Oh, goog..."

THE STORAGE BAY OF THE FLYING SAUCER

"Wow, will you look at the size of this thing!" gasped Chet. "It goes on for as far as the eye can see! Shelves and shelves and shelves in every direction!"

"Let's see now," said the Guard. "Clothes. That would come under 'C' wouldn't it. Sub-section, let's say human, male, mid thirties, current era, fashionable, middle price range..."

The monitor before him beeped; pages of information flickered across the screen faster than the eye could follow.

"How on earth does it all fit inside the saucer?" asked Tim. "It didn't look that big from the outside."

"Multidimensional topography," said the guard. "Essential you take a hyperslice of a Klein squared space, and keep cutting it in half, thus continually doubling it's interior volume while keeping its exterior volume fixed. An interesting application of the Banach-Tierson paradox."

"Of course," muttered Tim. "How obvious. Why didn't I think of that myself?"

"This narrows it down to Sector 241123, Sub Sector 1257454, Lot 923423, Row 3456634, Column 24332, shelves 1454 thru' 1463," said the guard, reading it from the screen. "Come on, we'll take the hopper."

"But where did you get all this stuff?" asked Tim.

"Oh, the Masters are great collectors. And we get paid in goods a lot as well. For services rendered."

"Services?" asked Chet.

"Oh, yes, anything really. Start wars. Stop wars. End family feuds. That sort of thing."

"People give you all this just to end a feud?" asked Tim. "Isn't that a bit over excessive?"

"Not really. They pay us to turn up, they pay us to effectively deal with their problem, and then they pay us to go away and forget all about them. Mind the edge."

The three had walked onto a large circular platform. It rose slowly into the air and began moving along the shelves at incredible speed; oddly, there was no sensation of movement. The sight of everything rushing past them was quite disconcerting.

In an attempt to distract himself, Tim asked: "What exactly did you mean by 'effectively'?"

"Let's just say that when we solve a problem, it stays solved. And in a couple of centuries, alien archaeologists will find a few bones and occasional pieces of skin."

"Yeuch," said Chet and Tim in unison.

"Ahhh, here is the... hang on... Oops, gotta make a detour, higher authority requisition don't you know?"

"Err, well, no, actually," said Tim. "What do you mean?"

"I just got a message on my internal com unit to retrieve the--"

"Internal com unit?! You're a robot?"

"Of course. Service Droid Beta-Omicron-Beta. You can call me Bob. Here we are; the BIG weapons section. We don't use these very often." He picked a very small device off the shelf, carrying it with great care.

"Doesn't look like much," said Chet.

"This is one of the ultimate weapons in this solar system," said Bob.

"Really?" asked Tim. "What is it?"

"This is the OMEGA weapon!"

That sounds bad, doesn't it? TBC...

THE STORAGE BAY OF THE FLYING SAUCER

"This is the OMEGA weapon!"

"Any particular reason you decided to yell the 'Omega' part?", Tim asked.

"Not really.", Bob answered, shrugging. "It's a part of my programming to end all chapters with tension-filled wording if at all possible."

"I see...", Tim said, looking away and regretting he'd asked.

"Omega weapon?", Chet asked. "Wha' the heck is the Omega weapon?"

"The ultimate weapon of force in the known universe.", Bob answered. "It's just been requested for usage in the immediate area outside the ship. If you value your physical bodies in the least, I suggest you either remain on board, or take cover in a location no closer than 100 kilometers."

"Kilometers...?", Chet asked.

"Well, we are in Canada.", Bob informed him.

"It's about 60 miles, Chet.", Tim told him, returning his gaze to Bob. "You said 'if we value our physical bodies', what exactly did you mean by that?"

"Well, the Omega Weapon is absolute destruction.", Bob said simply. "Destruction of absolutely anything and everything within it's radius of detonation."

"Of 60 miles...", Chet added.

"100 kilometers to be precise.", Bob corrected.

"Was this device ever used before?", Tim asked.

"Oh my memory circuits are cleared of all inane and useless facts every half hour.", Bob announced. "I'll most likely have forgotten this conversation at the next clearing point..."

"The most destructive force in the known universe is dismissed as an 'inane fact'?", Tim pressed.

"Let me check my files...", Bob said, standing still for a moment. "Well, there was that time in Hiroshima..."

"Oh goog...", Tim muttered.

THE CENTER COURT OF THE MONTAGUE SHOPPING ARCADE

"Okay, listen up!", Nick called out to the scared mall-folk. "I need everyone to follow me up the stairs-"

"I can't climb stairs..." an old woman called out.

"Can someone carry her?", Nick asked.

No one said a word.

"Okay, those that can't climb stairs can take the elevator-"

"Why don't we all take the elevator?", a guy asked in front.

"What...?"

"Well, why should some of us take the stairs while others take the elevator?", the guy repeated.

"Are you denying the elderly their right to take an easier means of getting around?", a woman from the back called forward to the guy.

"No, of course not.", the guy called back. "I'm just saying that if someone is taking the elevator, we might as well all take the elevator."

"The elevator doesn't hold 500 people, nimrod.", the woman called forward.

"So what?", the guy called back. "We're only going up one floor!"

"All the more reason for those of us who can get around normally to take the stairs if we're able to!", she yelled back.

"Normal?", the old woman voiced. "What's normal? Taking elevators aren't normal, are they...?"

"No, that isn't what..."
 
This is going to take a while, Nick wondered as he thought of some way to address all the people in front of him without wanting to see them all just drop dead...

THE SECOND FLOOR BALCONY

The rapid firing sounds of gunfire echoed off the mall walls, as dozens of guards fired upon the Four Food Groups of the Apocalypse.

~ThEy'Re AcTuAlLy FiRiNg At Us...!~, the Jello Twinkie mentioned as bullets bounced off of his transparent casing.

*They must not value their lives*, Gob-Stopper said, her blackened teeth grinning as none of the bullets harmed her either.

"can i make them stop?", Greasy Fry asked, the ooze that covered his body bubbling at his mouth as he spoke.

"Have at them my comrades.", the large, chocolate chunk form of Henry ordered.

Greasy Fry wasted no time, with a leg motion, not unlike an ice skater, he pushed off from his position, sliding across the mall floor and barreling into two of the guards. Using both his hands, he covered both the men's mouths, allowing the ooze from his body to flow into them. The guards' eyes opened wide as they felt their body being filled with the greasy ooze.

Gob-Stopper leapt to the air, twirling her arms above her head. The strings of bead-like candies swung around her at blinding speeds, their length seeming to increase the more she spun. When she landed, she lashed out with her candied coils, the black uniformed guards screaming as the many pieces hit them.

The Jello Twinkie's faceless head almost made the image of a smile as it sunk down within the transparent casing. Out of the footing section of the casing, the greenish-yellow innards gathered on the mall floor, forming a large mound of green-yellow crud, leaving the transparent casing standing alone. It slowly crawled forward as the guards concentrated their fire upon it, but to no avail. Once the crud had reached their feet, they were stuck in place until it overtook them, leaving not even a scrap of them behind, like they'd never existed.

Henry smiled as he watched his fellow Food Groups overtake the black uniformed guards with such ease.

 "What tragic irony this is.", Romy said as she ducked behind a large potted plant. "That our houses might be finally brought to peace under shadow of our love, only to be destroyed by such vile minions as these."

"Do not lose faith, my heart.", Jules said. "All is not lost yet."

They ducked behind the potted plant again as stray gunfire crossed their way, the noise enough to drown out the hacking cough of the old man who lurked nearby, just out of sight...

THE CENTER COURT

Nope looked upward toward the second floor balcony, seeing a large brown structure of some sort. Did it just move?, he wondered.

"I've got the aspirin sir!", Dave said, returning with many tiny boxes. "As much as I could carry."

"Good.", Nope said, grabbing one and breaking open a box. He pulled the small plastic bottle out and fiddled with the cap. "Go help Susie now, will ya please Dave?"

"Oh, hello again Susie!", Dave said as he neared her.

"Hi Dave..."

Ugh, Nope muttered inwardly. If I ever have to work in the service industry, I'll have to leave a note somewhere, reminding me to 'off' myself...

"Eye've ghattin hall de ghuns een duh faounteen.", Robert said, coming to Nope's side.

"Robert, you were working for the C.I.A., did they tell you anything about what's happening?", Nope asked the large, suspiciously Austrian sounding American undercover agent. "Did they anticipate it getting this bad, armed terrorists, flying saucers, and the like?"

"Dats klasseefeyed.", Robert said with a shrug.

"Right.", Nope said, rolling his eyes. "Why don't you go help Nick, he looks like he could use a hand."

Robert nodded and started walking to where Nick was trying to regain the attention of the large crowd.

Nope squinted as he continued to hear gunfire above from the second floor. Something's not right, Nope thought as he tucked his hand into a pocket. He realized he was still wearing the loose black clothing from the guard he'd knocked unconscious. The ring! Damn, all my stuff's in the photomat booth!

Nope darted a quick glance around, swallowed some aspiring, and took off in the direction of the photomat booth, at the other end of the mall.

THE STORAGE BAY OF THE FLYING SAUCER

Tim shuddered as he gazed at the small device in Bob's hand. His eyes glazed over for a second as the light flashing off the Omega weapon seemed to stimulate something at the back his mind...

~..."We have to deactivate it the same time as we break the Nexus Object.", Nope said, turning to Tim. "How good's your aim ki-"...~

~..."I can do it.", Tim answered. "We'd better hurry, those time-shift things are get-"...~

~..."Ali, you throw it.", Nope said, taking the staff from her hand. "On the coun-"...~

~..."One!", said Weiran...~

~..."Two!", said Ali...~

~..."Three!", Tim said...~

..."Woah.", Tim said, losing a step as he stumbled backwards.

"You okay...um...'Wheat Lad'?", Chet asked.

"Yeah, just had a...dizzy spell...", Tim said, shaking his head. What in the googin' hell was that?, he wondered...

The plot thickens...TBC...

THE SECOND FLOOR

The weapons of the reinforcements, called back from their search, proved to be as useless as their own.

 "They're gaining on us," yelled Romy over the constant hail of gunfire. "Have we come so far, gained so much, to lose it like this?"

 "Not if I have anything to do with it," said Jules. "Come on, we need to get to the Mall Armory."

 "Which way?"

 "Down," said Jules.

 "We'll be moving into the crowd," called back Romy. "They'll slow us down. We need more time."

 "Then let's see if these creeps are as impervious to steel as they are to lead." Jules turned his gunfire on the support beam. A moment later Romy and the guards joined him.

~HoW aMuSiNg. ThEy ApPeAr To Be TrYiNg To KiLl Us.~

*They summoned us. They should be aware of the consequences of such an action.*

 "They are strange creatures these humans."

 "they taste nice. let's do them all like this. it's so much more fun that way."

~We DoN't HaVe ThE tImE. bEsIdEs, It'S aGaInSt ThE RuLeS. wE hAvE bEeN sUmMoNeD aCcOrDiNg To ThE TrAdItIoNs AnD We MuSt AcT aCcOrDiNg To ThE TrAdItIoNs.~

*Has the weapon been summoned?*

 "We have placed a requisition order. It will take a moment for the droid to retrieve it from storage. We may amuse ourselves until it arrives."

 "why are they shooting at the wall?"

~PeRhApS tHeY hAvE fInAlLy GoNe CoMplEtEly MaD?~

*I think they are up to something. Shall I squeeze a few to see if they talk?*

 "I think we may have underestimated them."

The support strut, riddled with bullet holes, finally gave way, falling from the wall. It brought a section of the third floor catwalk with it; tons of concrete and steel smashed into the 4FgotA, crushing them. The rising debris and dust clouded everything from sight.

 "Do you think we got them?"

 "No," admitted Jules, "but we may have distracted them for a couple of minutes. Come on, let's move."

They were half way to the steps when the second floor catwalk collapsed at their feet…

EDMONTON AIR FORCE BASE : 1 HOUR AGO

 "Any movement on our bogeys?"

 "No, sir, General Montague. They're still hovering."

 "How long till we can scramble the fighters?"

 "Twelve minutes, General."

 "ETA to target zone?"

 "Forty-eight minutes, sir."

 "Make sure they're carrying heavy ordnance, soldier. We don't want our men out gunned."

 "Aye, aye, sir."

THE CENTER COURT

Nope was halfway to the photomat when the ceiling fell in, crushing it.

It took him a moment to realize what was happening, then instinct took over and he threw himself backwards as the concrete smashed earthwards.

 "Goddess!" swore Nope as the smoke cleared, and he could see the damage. The photomat, along with his jacket and the ring were buried under two floors worth of debris. "It almost makes me glad that I never got around to paying for that ring…"

 "Romy," yelled someone, "where are you?"

 "Here," she called back. "I'm here Jules. Are you all right?"

 "I am, but some of your people are a bit the worse for wear," returned Jules, adding to himself, "not to mention all the one's I clobbered earlier…"

 "Which way is the Armory?"

 "We need to find the service tunnels."

 "Where do they come out?"

 "Under the middle of all that concrete."

 "Oh, goog."

 "Hey, do you hear something?"

 "It sounds like it's coming from…"

They both paused, listened, looked at each other and yelled: "IT'S THEM!"

 "Them? Who the goog is them?" demanded Nope. "Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on?"

 "Run," said Romy, running past him.

 "Run," agreed Jules, running past him on the other side.

The rest of the guards followed the two running figures. The concrete began to shake, then smashed apart to reveal the four, apparently unharmed by the whole thing.

 "This isn't good, is it?" asked Nope. He slipped his shades into his pocket. "I knew I should have gone to the J-Street Jewelers. But after the trouble I had last time I was there…"

 "that was fun. shall we do it again? maybe with more people and larger rocks this time. i haven't had this much fun since golgotha."

*I say kill them all and be done with it. Where's the weapon?*

~CoMmUnIcAtIoNs WiTh ThE sHiP hAvE bEeN cUt OfF~

 "We will deal with that later. First, we will kill everyone here."

Oh, great, Thought Nope. That's just peachy, that is. He reached for his weapons.

Meanwhile, Romy, Jules and the guards were in the center of the mall. Jules ran up to Robert and Nick. "We've got to get these people out of here. The elevators aren't safe and neither are the main stairs. We'll have to use the service stairs."

 "Bhut dey arr furr Stahff ohnly," said Robert. "Ve arr nuht alooed to oose dem."

 "We'll make an exception in this case," said Jules.

 "Hurry," said Romy. "They're right behind us."

They began the near impossible task of moving everyone to safety…

WINNEPEG AIR FORCE BASE : 1 HOUR AGO

 "Any movement on our bogeys?"

"No, sir, General Capulet. They're still hovering."

 "How long till we can scramble the fighters?"

 "Eight minutes, General."

 "ETA to target zone?"

 "Fifty-two minutes, sir."

 "Make sure they're carrying heavy ordnance, soldier. We don't want our men out gunned."

 "Aye, aye, sir."

THE STORAGE BAY OF THE FLYING SAUCER

For a moment Tim felt as if everything was doubled, as if he was somewhere that wasn't meant to be, that shouldn't have happened. Chet touched him and reality snapped back in but the feeling was still there, tugging at his subconscious mind.

 "We have to stop him," said Chet. "We can't let him send the weapon down. What if someone uses it? Come on, you're the hero, you do something."

 "Any suggestions?" asked Tim.

 "Hmmm," muttered Bob to himself. "Calibrating the transporters might take longer than I expected."

 "You could just ask him," suggested Chet.

 "Errm, okay," said Tim. He tapped the robot on the shoulder. "Excuse me, Bob, I was wandering if I could have that weapon."

 "Sorry, guv', pre-requisitioned items are to be delivered in accordance to seniority."

 "Look, if you give the weapon to… to… well, to whoever you're going to give it to, hundreds, thousands of people will die."

"That is the point of the Omega weapon," said Bob, "it Only Makes Everything Go Away." He chuckled. "I'm quite pleased with that one. Get it? Omega is spelt oh, emm, ee, gee, eh, you see, and if you use the first letters then…"

 "Yes, I noticed," said Tim. "It was very funny. Ha ha."

 "I get the feeling that you don't appreciate humor," said Bob, cheerfully.  "Never mind. No sentient is perfect, that's my motto. Well, actually, I don't have a motto, what with being an android and all."

 "Okay," said Tim, "Let's do this the old fashioned way." His eyes began to glow gold as wheat burst from his pockets, surrounding him like a swarm of insects. "Give me the weapon."

 "No can do, sorry," said Bob. "Nice effect you have there. Metagene? Mutant? Some type of traditional enhancement, perhaps? Wouldn't let them see, they might end up collecting you. They have a thing for metas, you know. I remember back in '04 when we picked up that entire tribe of… Mind you, they didn't last long. You know the appetites on these people. Where was I?"

"Blathering mindlessly," suggested Chet.

 "That would be the one," agreed Bob. "Small talk program. I run it while I'm doing other things, don't you know. That's the transporters calibrated. Let's send this down and then we can have our chat."

"I'll have to stop if you try," said Tim, sadly. "Look, you know it's the right thing to do. You don't want all those innocent lives on your conscience. Don't send the weapon."

 "Oh, I'm not sending it," said Bob.

 "Wow," said Chet, "you managed to convince him!"

 "On account of how, I can't transport through the shields," said Bob.

"Shields?" asked Tim. "What shields?"

 "The ones that automatically activated themselves when the fighter planes came into firing range."

 "FIGHTER PLANES?!" chorused Tim and Chet.

 "Isn't that what I said?" asked Bob.

Just when you thought things couldn't possibly get any worse! Will Nope and friends escape the Four Food Groups of the Apocalypse? Will Tim, Chet and Bob escape the attack of the fighter planes? Will Dan ever get any clothes? Will the Possum ever actually do anything other than making a nuisance of himself? And what did happen to all the Pantheon action figures? Only one way to find out…

"FIGHTER PLANES?!" chorused Tim and Chet.

"Isn't that what I said?" asked Bob.

The lines and lines of shelves rattled, even though they stood on a floating platform, they could tell the ship was rising.

"Look, you have to stop this!", Tim said, grabbing Bob's shoulder. "Things are going too far!"

"I understand you have feelings for your fellow humans.", Bob stated, smiling sympathetically. "If I had it in my programming to actually care about something, I might be more helpful to you, but unfortunately, my programming's first priority is to my masters."

Bob shrugged away from Tim's grab, but Tim held on until something came off. He held a small metallic handle, with flashing blue lights.

"Well, now you've done it.", Bob stated, frowning. "You've pulled the fragment pin off the Thermal Detonator..."

"That sounds bad...", Chet voiced, looking up to Tim.

"Sure does.", Tim agreed, holding it out to Bob. "Take it, I didn't mean to-"

"If it were only that simple.", Bob said, looking all over his body, many weapons and strange devices attached at virtually every part of his body. "I've got to find the one you pulled the pin from, I've got a couple on me..."

Bob leaned on the rail, setting the small device, the Omega Weapon, on a floating side table.

Tim and Chet eyed each other.

SASKATCHEWAN AIRSPACE

{{Come in Fighter C-1, this is Winnepeg Base.}}, the voice on the radio blasted. {{Maverick...!}}

"Yes General Capulet.", the cocky fighter pilot radioed back. "I hear you..."

{{Dammit Maverick!}}, the General yelled. {{Don't get any funny ideas up there, you and your team are not to engage the bogey until we hear from our Navy S.E.A.L. team en route-}}

"General, the bogey is an unidentified flying object, is it not?", Maverick asked.

{{Yes.}}

"You take your time, sir.", Maverick said, smiling cocky-like.

THE CENTER COURT OF THE MONTAGUE SHOPPING ARCADE

"Listen up everyone!", Romy called out. "We need to escape quickly through-"

"Why should we listen to you?", someone called out from the crowd. "You're the one who started all this crap by holding us hostage!"

"Look, I've had a change of heart.", she yelled out, taking a quick glance over to Jules, who seemed to be in a heated discussion with one of the fake plants.  "But unfortunately, as a result of my lack of preparation, a deadly force has been unleashed upon the mall, one that threatens to destroy you all!"

"Like you did earlier.", another called out.

Gunfire erupted suddenly, smashing the glass blockade gate that had locked the MacSweeny Photography Shop. Many of the mall patrons covered their heads screaming, but one man's cry was louder than the rest. Jules was screaming madly as he continued to fire at the gate, leaving barely anything left.

The clicking could be heard from Jules rifle as the clip ran out of ammo. He unstrapped the rifle, and tossed it aside. Jumping up onto the fountain rail, he looked at everyone, one eye twitching. "EVERYONE IN THE STORE, NOW!!"

The crowd hurriedly made their way to the photography shop, carefully avoiding the debris from the now destroyed gate.

Romy came to Jules' side, putting a hand up to his cheek. "Dearest...?"

Jules' eyes returned to normal, and his panting suddenly stopped. "Yes my love?"

"Nothing.", Romy said with a smile. "I'll lead them through the stairway, and out the receiving area, there's a large garage door for trucks to back into, it'll take a bit of time, but I think I can jimmy it open."

"Go my love.", Jules said, grabbing her hand and bringing it up to his lips. "I will stay behind, and make sure these vile creatures do not follow you."

"Noh.", a voice said behind them. "Eye vill."

Romy and Jules turned to see Robert, with at least a dozen rifles hooked over his shoulders. "Eye vill staie und helep Nhope."

Romy looked up to the big man. "Thank you.", she said, standing on the tips of her toes to kiss him on the cheek.

Jules slapped him hard on the shoulder. "Yer a good man Robert, good luck!"

Robert nodded as he watched the pair take off after the crowd into the photography shop. Putting on some shades, and clicking a couple of the rifles,  he faced the area where the Four Food Groups of the Apocalypse chased after Nope.

"Teyeme too take owt de trasche...", he muttered as began a slow walk forward.

As walked off, he missed Nick scuttling around the other side of the fountain, looking upward at the flying saucer, that had almost cleared the opening it had made when it crashed in the mall. Forget that., he thought. Gotta find Tim...

SASKATCHEWAN AIRSPACE (AGAIN)

}}Come in Fighter M-1, this is Edmonton Base.{{, the voice on the radio blasted.

"This is Iceman, reporting in.", the stern fighter pilot radioed back.

}}Dammit Iceman!{{, the General yelled.

"General Montague?", Iceman radioed back. "Did I do something wrong, sir?"

}}Um no, I guess you didn't.{{

"We are approaching the bogey's area, General.", Iceman said, looking at his navigational instruments. "I assume we're still under orders to not engage the bogey until we have a positive I.D. on the unidentified flying object?"

}}That sounds just about right.{{, the General radioed. }}That's what I like about you Iceman, you do things by the book.{{

"Thank you sir.", Iceman said, grinning proudly. "We won't let you down."

THE WEST END OF THE MALL

Nope grabbed for the rifle he'd kept from the guards arsenal back at the fountain, and leveled it up toward the four approaching monstrosities. Goog,  as evil as they look, they're making me hungry, he couldn't help but think.  "Okay, lets stop this running shit."

"You have finally decided to submit?", the large chocolate form of Henry asked.

*He makes a wise choice, Henry.*, Gob-Stopper said, grinning with her blackened teeth.

"let me have him, gob-stopper.", the oily form of Greasy Fry said. "the others did not subside my hunger."

~We CoUlD aLl UsE a BiTe, GrEaSy FrY.~, the green/yellowish curdling mass of the Jello Twinkie said, though no visible mouth could be seen.

"Quiet Jello Twinkie, there's enough humans here for all of us.", Henry instructed.

Wasn't that a nice "Claremont-esque" roll call, just for my benefit..., Nope thought. "I'm not giving up, I'd just like to know exactly what the heck is going on."

"the meat demands answers.", Greasy Fry observed.

"Silence.", Henry ordered. "We were summoned to settle a dispute between two warring families."

"Let me guess.", Nope announced. "The Montague's and the Capulets, right?"

*The meat is intelligent*, Gob-Stopper said, the bead-like candy clicking as she moved.

"Look, unless you're calling me 'meat' in a strictly 'he looks sexy' sort of way, I'm gonna have to object.", Nope stated.

Henry actually smiled. "Yes, those are the families whose dispute we come to end."

"And how do you plan to do that exactly?", Nope asked.

"By destroying everyone and everything within the vicinity."

"Makes sense.", Nope said, nodding. "Oh, there's just one thing..."

~YeS...?~, the Jello Twinkie asked.

Nope smirked. "Drop dead!"

The four seemed to look at each other.

"I assure you, your feeble attempts to subdue us are useless.  None of this planet's earthly heroes have enough power to stop us."

You're just googin' lucky you didn't attack a mall in J-Street, jerkweed, Nope thought. "Well, um..."

"Geet daown!!!", a familiar voice called from behind him.

Nope ducked as multiple gunfire bursts sounded, and the four gruesome figures backed off slightly as bullets ricocheted off them. He felt himself being nudged by a foot as he looked up to see Robert, blasting away at the opposition.

"Let's scram!", Nope said, standing up behind Robert.

Robert unslung a rifle from his shoulder, letting it fall in front of Nope. "Yoo mast fite..."

Nope's eyes glazed over as he stared down at Robert and the rifle on the ground...

~"You must fight"~

~"Then,", he said. "I substitute myself, of my own free will, for Tim."~

~He reached forward and touched Tim's shoulder. The crimson beam moved and stopped on Nope.~

~"What!?!", yelled Tim.~

~"Nope, you can't do this!", Weiran pleaded angrily. "I can't kill you! Dammit, you may be a jerk but you're my broth-"~

"Goog...", Nope said, as he steadied himself.

"Wiur yoo heet?", Robert asked.

"They aren't firing at us, Braniac.", Nope stated, rubbing his forehead.

"Oooh, rite.", Robert said, still firing at the four.

"Those rifles are keeping them back for the moment, but we need a plan.", Nope announced. "And fast..."

What are these visions that Nope and Tim are seeing? Where has the Possum disappeared to? Will Romy, Jules and the hostages escape? What will happen between the Flying Saucer and the Canadian Air Force? Is Dan still naked? It'd be a waste of time to tell you now, just read on...

THE STORAGE BAY OF THE FLYING SAUCER

The Omega Weapon bobbed gently up and down as the floating table attempted to stabilize itself against the movement of the ship. Bob continued to search through the assorted weapons attached to his body. Tim and Chet eyed each other.

Not much of a choice, really, thought Tim. He snatched up the Omega Weapon and they began backing away from the robot.

"Hey, where do you think you're going with that?" asked Bob.

"Try not to take this the wrong way," said Tim, "but I'd rather not be responsible for vaporization of a large part of Saskatchewan."

"Can't let you interfere with a requisition order. Union rules, don't you know?  I'll just sort out this Thermal Detonator problem, and then you'll have to give it back." He returned to perusing the weapons.

"Come on," said Tim, "let's get out of here."

"There could be a problem with that," said Chet pointing. The hopper had slowly floated away from the shelves out into the open area above the entrance.

The ground swung vertiginously a couple of miles below them.

SASKATCHEWAN AIRSPACE

{{Come in C-1, this is Winnepeg,}} the voice on the radio blasted. {{This is Winnepeg. Will you turn down that blasted music!}}

"Reading you loud and clear, General," Maverick radioed back.

{{Dammit!}} The General yelled. {{When I said keep your radio open, I meant on this frequency, not Rock FM}}

"I was--"

{{No excuses, Maverick. Have you sighted the first unidentified yet?}}

"We'll be up on it in a--" The clouds parted. "Holee shey-it. Will you look at those babies! Huge, great, big, floating disk things. Gotta be two clicks radius at least. This is either one hell of a PR stunt or we've got one mother of a--"

Warning lights began to flash in the cockpit, cutting him off. "General we've got multiple vapor trails. Looks like we've got company."

{{Don't start anything, Maverick,}} snarled the General. {{We're working on identification.}}

"You take your time, sir," Maverick said, smiling cocky-like. "Leave this one to me."

THE SERVICE STAIRS OF THE MONTAGUE SHOPPING ARCADE

The pounding of feet on stairs soon drowned the sound of gunfire echoing through the walls. Herding the last of the customers into the stairwell, Romy glanced back. Somewhere out there her men were still fighting for their lives. Well, the one's that weren't cowering in here with her, anyway. All two of them, probably. She sighed. You just didn't get the high standard of help these days.

"How far now?" asked an old woman from the crowd.

"Just down a couple of flights of stairs," said Romy.

"I'm too old to walk down stairs," she wined. "Can't we use the elevators?"

"Not unless you want to be killed," snapped Romy. She waved at one of her guards. "You. Carry her down."

"Aww, do I have to?"

"Let me explain something to you," hissed Romy swinging her pistol towards him. "A gunshot to the stomach is one of the slowest, most painful ways to die. Only, with all these distractions, I might miss. And when I miss, I miss low."

The guard gulped and went white.

"Now, carry the woman down the stairs." Romy turned away as the guard hurried to help the old woman.

Jules slipped into the stairwell. The noise of the door slamming was promptly followed by the noise of large heavy objects falling against it.

"That should hold them back for a moment," he said. They began to walk down the stairs after the rest. "I checked but all the tunnels into the Armory seem to be blocked. I'm not sure we had anything large enough down there to stop them, but I'd feel better with a couple of grenade launchers than these rifles."

"I just hope Robert didn't sacrifice himself for nothing," muttered Romy.

THE SECOND FLOOR

The stairs had been trashed, but there was enough of the structure left for Nick to pull himself up to the second floor. After that he couldn't go much further. The falling masonry had blocked the elevator shaft and the stairs up to the next floor were on the other side of a gap too large to jump. Gunfire echoed below him and he could just hear someone swearing loudly.

I need to find Tim, thought Nick, but where to look? Where would I be if I was Tim?

The flying saucer hung in the air above him.

Gotcha! He looked around, but he could see no way up to it. For that matter he couldn't even see an entrance. He began to wander along the catwalk,  searching the sky for an answer to his problems. For a second time that day inattention sent him sprawling.

The object that had tripped him was a black disk. It glowed red under his hand and for a brief moment his vision was blocked by flashing points of red light. When he could see again, he was standing in a roughly egg shaped metal craft.

"Woah," said Nick. Someone's either stolen a prop from 'Flight of the Navigator' or this is an alien spacecraft.

A video screen extended towards him from the wall. The screen filled with a chaotic swirling light. A voice spoke.

O\||/=/-\|: />/=$+!/\//-\+!0/\/?

"What the-?" Nick swung round, but he was alone. "Who said that? For that matter, what did you say?"

/-\[[/=$$!/\/[| /~!$/=$ … ENGLISH LANGUAGE FILE ACCESSED. QUERY: DESTINATION?

The words thundered in his head, remaining at unbearable volumes even when he clapped his hands to his ears.

"Turn it down!" yelled Nick.

QUERY: PREFERED COMMUNICATION METHOD?

"Anything," yelled Nick, "just not so googing loud."

SELECTING: ALTERNATE PREFERENCE. "Converting to Voice System." The voice came from the screen. "Query: Destination?"

"Who are you?" asked Nick. "What are you?"

Words began to fill the screen as the machine spoke. "D.I.S.C unit Mu Alpha Chi, limited maximum range transportation system."

"Disc? You mean, that black thing? I'm inside it? But it's tiny! How is that possible?"

"Multidimensional topology. Reference: The Banach-Tierson paradox." The screen filled with complicated looking equations.

"Huh?"

"Accessing: Local Terminology. Reference: the Tardis. 'It's a lot bigger on the inside than the outside.'"

"Oh, right," said Nick. "What did you say your name was again?"

"D.I.S.C. unit Mu Alpha Chi, limited…"

"Can I just call you Max?" asked Nick.

"Affirmative." Said Max. "Query: Destination?"

"Well, I was trying to get onto the flying saucer," began Nick.

"Accessing: Local Terminology 'flying saucer.' Query: Meaning - Flight Command Module?"

The screen changed to a view of the spaceship hovering in the mall.

"Yeah, that's it," said Nick. "Can you get me there?"

"Compliance."

The disk rose from the second floor catwalk and sped upwards.

SASKATCHEWAN AIRSPACE (AGAIN)

}}Come in M-1, this is Edmonton Base,{{ squawked the voice on the radio.

"Reporting," Iceman radioed back.

}}Have you sighted the first unidentified yet?{{

"We'll be up on it in a--" For a moment, his icy calm was disturbed as he caught sight of the four floating disks, but only for a moment - he wasn't called Iceman for nothing. "They appear to be disk shaped, made of some black metal and at least two clicks in radius. I've studied the specs for every type of aircraft ever made and then some, sir. These aren't ours."

}}You've got more company,{{ radioed the General.

"I see them, General. Do we have any identification?"

}}We're working on it.{{

"I won't enter combat until we can be sure they're hostile, sir."

THE WEST END OF THE MALL

"Those rifles are keeping them back for the moment, but we need a plan.", Nope announced. "And fast. If I'm going to get killed I'll be damned if it's by a woman who calls herself Gob-stopper."

A slash of chains hissed past him as he rolled sideways, swearing. The rifle was ripped from his hands.

"Nohpe," yelled Robert, turning towards him. Robert's rifle jammed.

*Prepare to die,* hissed Gob-Stopper. She raised her chains of beads.

"No," snapped Nope, rolling back to his feet by the corpse of one of Romy's guards. The dead man's pistol appeared in his hand; the gunshots took Gob-Stopper in the face and chest knocking her back. A moment later,  Roberts shot's joined Nope's and the two began to retreat. Robert tossed Nope a couple of clips for the pistol.

"Vitch vay?" asked Robert.

Nope glanced around, then pointed. "That way. Into the store. We can't keep wasting ammo like this."

~Do YoU ReAlLy ThInK tHeRe Is A wAy To EsCaPe Us?~

"Humans have always been foolish," said Henry.

Gob-Stopper regained her feet. *That almost tickled.*

"i shall enjoy making their deaths as slow and painful as possible."

The four moved between them and the store.

"Ve nehed ah dihstrahction," said Robert. "Dey arr too ffasst."

"I'm open to suggestions," snapped Nope. They continued to back away.

There was a loud hum from somewhere behind them, and a black disk floated into the air, heading for the saucer. The 4FgotA all glanced skyward simultaneously.

Well, what do you know, thought Nope. He pulled the lighter from his back pocket and, thanking whichever gods might be listening that the guard smoked,  tossed it towards Greasy Fry simultaneously raising his pistol and squeezing the trigger.

The hammer slammed against an empty chamber.

Nope swore. Robert snapped his rifle up and shot the lighter before it could finish its arc. It exploded, dousing Greasy Fry in blazing fluid. Fry began to smoke.

Robert and Nope exchanged a panicked glance.

"RUN!" yelled Nope.

The two turned and sprinted for the fountain, diving under the water.

Greasy Fry exploded, lighting up the mall.

SASKATCHEWAN AIRSPACE (AGAIN)

From the point of view of the fighter pilots, the explosion in the mall looked like a light being flicked on and off behind every window or door.

"Holy--" Maverick keyed his radio. "C-1 to base, do you read me Winnipeg? We have explosions on the ground, repeat enemy fire has started. I'm going in."

{{Dammit}} yelled the General. {{Wait for confirmation, Maverick.}}

"No time for that, General. I've got incoming."

In his counterparts fighter, Iceman too was keying his radio.

"Explosion on the ground, General. Is it enemy fire?"

}}We're trying to confirm. Iceman, radar says you have incoming.{{

"Confirmed, Edmonton."

}}If they fire you'll have to fire back, son.{{

"Whatever's necessary, sir."

THE STORAGE BAY OF THE FLYING SAUCER

"You really must retuurrrr…" Bob trailed off, his eyes closed, and he froze.

"Bob?" asked Tim. "Bob?!"

An alarm began to sound somewhere in the distance. A voice began bellowing from somewhere in the distance: %INCOMING. DISENGAGING ALL NON-ESSENTIAL SYSTEMS. RE ROUTING ALL POWER TO WEAPONS AND SHIELDS.%

"All power?" repeated Chet. He looked down at the platform they were standing on.

Lights began to go out in the distance. The floating hopper began to shift beneath their feet.

"Hang on," yelled Tim, grabbing Chet. Wheat rushed around them and they rose from the platform into the air. A moment later it dropped straight down.

"Lucky you can fly," said Chet, watching the platform fall. "Wish I had my camera."

"I don't think Bob put the pin back in," warned Tim. "We better get out of here before everything goes to hell…"

The thermal detonator blew. Somewhere below them the hopper smashed into the catwalk in an explosion of screaming metal.

~ Metal screamed on metal. ~

~ The Demon's mocking laughter came again. A column of fire lunged skywards... ~

~ Someone inside the carriage yelled an oath as metal screeched again...~

~ Tim struggled to damp down the power but it writhed in his grasp, wild and uncontrollable and slipped free. Once more he plunged his hands into the golden fire… ~

~ And then there was nothing but crimson anger and the golden haze of the corn... ~

"… Lad," yelled Chet again, shaking them. Tim snapped back to reality as the rest of the weapons blew. The concussion wave struck them, smashing them against the walls like straw in a hurricane. Tim trying to turn from the force hit the wall headfirst.

The two dropped like a stone…

Calamity upon Calamity! Will Tim come to in time to prevent a rather messy death? Will the fighter pilots realize their mistake and concentrate on the common enemy or will they talk just long enough to establish each other's identity and continue the attack anyway? What will Nick do once he gets onboard the spaceship? And what has happened to the Possum? Onwards…

THE STORAGE BAY OF THE FLYING SAUCER

"Yeaaagggghhh!", Chet screamed, clutching Tim's unconscious body as they both fell from a great height toward the smoke after the thermal detonator explosion.

*CLANG*

Chet grunted as he felt himself hit something metallic. He balanced his position on whatever it was, through the smoke he could barely see in front of his face.  He ducked his head and slipped the large-but-light weapon he'd been holding over his back, tightening the strap around his slightly portly stomach. Getting down on all fours, he began to crawl forward.

He crawled on cautiously, the only sounds that could be heard were a booming alert-type alarm, some high speed talking in a language he didn't understand,  and rushing wind. His hand waved in the air as he tried to regain his balance,  he'd run out of crawling space. Looking down, the smoke was starting to swirl and clear, giving him a clear view.

Chet had never been in a glass bottom plane, but this was a pretty good idea of what he'd imagined it looked like.

Realizing now what he was crawling on, Chet backed up slightly, making sure he was secure. The thermal detonation must've knocked over many of the storage shelves, some of them crashing down over the opening at the center of the Storage Area. He was crawling on a large metal-like girder piece of the giant shelves, and he was staring down at what looked like an arial view of Saskatchewan, at least the part that could be seen from a high altitude above the Montague Shopping Arcade.

Looking forward again, he saw Wheat Lad, still unconscious, hanging over a support bar, his limbs swinging dangerously over a potentially treacherous free fall out of the flying saucer.

Chet braced himself as the incomprehensible voice began to blather again, and the saucer started to slowly tilt sideways.

"Oh, shit on me...", Chet muttered.

SASKATCHEWAN AIRSPACE

"Edmonton Base, this is M-1.", Iceman radioed. "One of the disks seems to be experiencing some difficulty. There was a flash of some sort, followed by smoke billowing out from the underbelly of the craft."

}}Interesting.{{, the General responded.

"General Montague sir, the disk I'd mentioned is now starting to veer off! It looks damaged!"

}}Damn! Is it still over the mall?{{

"The mall sir...?", Iceman radioed back, confused.

}}The Montague Shopping Arcade!{{, the General yelled back. }}If the disk is damaged, is there any chance it'll crash land into the mall?{{

"I suppose there's a chance, yes sir."

}}This is bad.{{

"Wait a second sir...I've got some stray bogeys coming in at 12 o'clo-"

}}Iceman!?!{{

"Sir, myself and my unit nearly collided with three other fighter planes.", Iceman informed him. "Were any other units scrambled in response to the disk threat?"

}}My men are checking the data banks, stand by M-1.{{, the General relayed. }}Damn, Winnepeg sent a scouting unit as well, dang blasted Capulets...!{{

"Excuse me, sir? Capulets?"

}}You heard me correctly M-1.{{

"That means Maverick.", Iceman stated flatly. "General, we may have the answer as to why that disk has been damaged..."

ELSEWHERE IN SASKATCHEWAN AIRSPACE

"Good job you two.", Maverick radioed to his unit. "That'll show those stuck up Montagues who they're messing with."

{{C-1, this is Winnepeg.}}, the General radioed. {{Maverick? Answer damn you...!}}

"Yes General Capulet."

{{What's happening up there?"}}

"We picked up another set of bogeys coming into the area General.", Maverick radioed. "Looks like some of Edmonton's finest have come a' callin'."

{{Edmonton?}}, the General asked. {{We're checking on it right now, now Maverick, don't do anythi-}}

"I'm sorry General, you're breaking up.", Maverick said with a smile, turning a knob and creating static on the transmission, finally switching the radio off altogether.

With a cocky grin, he lead his unit in a turn, heading back toward the disks and the other fighter planes. "You're mine Iceman."

THE UNDERMALL CAVERNS

Nope gasped as he broke the surface of the water, Robert coming up a couple of seconds after that.

"You okay...Robert?", Nope asked.

"Yass.", Robert said, standing when he reached a shallow part of the pond. "Vhaat ees dis? Louk aht hall de goald...!"

"It's not gold Robert, well not most of it anyway.", Nope said, lifting his knees heavily as he sat on the lip of the pond. "Y'know when you toss coins into a fountain? This is where they go."

"Rheelee?", Robert said, inspecting some of the piles.

"Well, I'm assuming that's what it is.", Nope said, standing up. "The question is, just how long the mall, or the fountain been here?"

"None of your...*COUGH*...business!!"

Oh great, Nope thought. "What are you old man, 'Guardian of the Coins'?"

"You want...*HACK*...to go round and...*COUGH*....round again?", the old man asked, hobbling in and leaning on his cane.

"We never actually did get into a fight, Mr. Possum was it?", Nope said, holding in a laugh.

"The...*HACK*...Possum!", the old man hacked. "No Mr., just...*COUGH*...the Possum!"

"Yeaaaaaaghhh!", Robert shouted as he appeared from the shadows behind the Possum, leaping into the air.

The Possum caught Robert's weight and shifted sideways, using the momentum to send him flipping over into the pool of water. The ring of steel could be heard as he pulled the handle from his cane to reveal a blade. As Robert resurfaced, the tip of the blade stood poised at his throat.

"Don't!", Nope yelled. "He's an idiot, but he's harmless."

"You two boys are trying my...*COUGH*...patience.", the old man called out. "Never fight a battle you...*HACK*...can't win."

Oy vey, Nope thought, rubbing between his eyes. "We're not trying to fight any battles, at least not with you, all hell is breaking loose up there. Ever hear of the Four Food Groups of the Apocalypse?"

The old man nodded seriously, taking the blade away from Robert's throat. "I'm afraid I'm all too...*HACK*...familiar with them."

Finally, something positive, Nope thought. "We could really use some help."

The old man returned his blade to it's cane sheath and started to slowly walk away.

"Wiere ahre yu goeen?', Robert asked.

"To the...*HACK*...underground armory of course.", the Possum said over his shoulder. "Doesn't every mall have one?"

THE MAIN FLOOR OF THE MALL

"i want his blood."

"Now calm yourself, Greasy Fry.", Henry said.

~YeS, yOuR iNaTtEnTiVeNeSs LeT hIm GeT tHe DrOp On YoU.~, the Jello Twinkie added.

*Don't be mad at the meat, it can be quite clever you know.*, Gob-Stopper added.

"the meat didn't destroy your body.", Greasy Fry yelled. "I'm barely greasy any more...I'm just a fry."

"Your oily exterior will reform, have no fear. And despite your embarrassment, it did help us accomplish part of our objective, the central part of the mall has been all but destroyed.", Henry assured him.

"but what of the humans.", greasy fry asked.

~He HaS a PoInT hEnRy, I sEe No ChArReD cOrPsEs.~

*It was all a distraction.*, Gob-Stopper said with a wide smile, her blackened teeth showing. *The meat IS clever...*

Henry roared in rage.

THE RECEIVING AREA OF THE FLYING SAUCER

A round paneled opening on the floor spun open while an egg shaped pod floated into place. With a click, the opening spun closed, and clamps held the pod upright. With a slight hiss, the walls of the egg shaped pod dissolved into nothing, leaving Nick standing on a floating disk.

"This is so cool.", Nick said, shifting left and right, the disk compensating so that he wouldn't fall over. "Max, you there?"

"%System drain : Warning **SQUARK** Warning, Diverting All Power to Gyroscope Conductors *SQEEEEK** Ending Verbal Transmissions Nooooooowwwww...%"

"Max? Max?", Nick asked. Crap, I'm all alone on a spaceship and-

The whole craft shifted sideways, and the disk started to pick up speed as it floated down a hallway, Nick standing in a skateboarding type position to maintain balance. The power drained from the disk, and it began to slide on the metallic floor, sparking as he skid along the hallway. Some doors shifted open slightly as the disk hit the frame sending him flying into the dark room. He landed against a wall, and slid to the floor, not badly damaged, but stunned.

"Can I ride again mommy?", Nick said aloud to no one in particular. He could only see the dim light from the doorway he'd just flown through, the rest of the room was pitch black. "That was a wicked ride in a twisted sort of way...!"

"Hey kid, you wouldn't happen to have any spare clothes, would you...?"

Who is the voice asking Nick for clothing? Is the sequel to Top Gun being filmed in the Saskatchewan airspace? Will the Possum actually lead Nope and Robert to the Armory? What will the Four Food Groups of the Apocalypse do now that they have no one to kill? Can Chet wake Wheat Lad in time to prevent him from a death drop? Where are Romy and Jules? Does Tim still hold the Omega Weapon? Questions, questions, questions...just read the next chapter Sparky...

ELSEWHERE...

There was polite clapping from the audience.

"Your move," He said, with an angelic smile.

"I THINK WE OUGHT TO MAKE THIS MORE... INTERESTING," the other replied with a demonic grin. With one hand he picked up the cup of dice;  with the other, he reached out and turned over a card.

"Gosh, that's a new one. I haven't seen that played recently. Wow. What is it? Isn't this exciting? Is it a trump, Lachesis?" asked the youngest of the women watching.

The middle aged woman next to her leaned forward to look. "It's the Tower, Clotho. From the major Arcana, signifying Chaos increasing." She turned to the old woman next to her who was just staring into space, ignoring the game.  "A strange move, is it not, Atropos?"

"Endgame," said Atropos, shortly.

THE STORAGE BAY OF THE FLYING SAUCER

Chet crawled along the girder, whimpering to himself as it continued to shift beneath him. Some miles below, the Montague Mall slowly swung in and out of view, doing a good impression of a doll's house on a pendulum (which has to be the stupidest analogy ever.)

Tim continued to swing haphazardly above a long drop and sudden, certain death.

"Next time I'll bring a parachute" Chet muttered, slowly inching towards the unconscious hero. He called out: "Hey, kid, wake up!"

Somewhere nearby klaxons began to warble.

"Wheat Lad?!"

Chet finally reached Tim, pulled him up to relative safety and shook him.

"C'mon, Wheat Kid, wake up."

There was a sound strangely like rattling dice.

The saucer took the opportunity to shake violently and tilt savagely, throwing Chet and Tim from the girder. The rush of air partially revived Tim who groaned, opened his eyes and promptly closed them again, wishing he hadn't opened them.

"Kid, wake the goog up," yelled Chet. "I don't want to end my career as human pizza!!"

Somewhere far below them, the Omega weapon formed a rapidly shrinking dot...

SASKATCHEWAN AIRSPACE

The Omega weapon tumbled slowly towards the ground some distance below, and was completely ignored by the pilots of the fighter planes as they maneuvered around each other.

"Howdydoody, Iceboy," radioed Maverick.

"Stand down, Maverick," commanded Iceman. "If you continue your unwarranted attack on the unidentified aircraft, I will have no option but to force you down."

"You and what army, flyboy?"

"Maverick, I don't need an Army." His plane rolled back and round, slicing close enough to Maverick's fighter to entangle them both in the slipstream.

Maverick whooped as he expertly pulled out of the subsequent dive mere seconds from the ground and climbed steeply skywards.

"You're going to regret that one, frosty," he yelled.

In front of him, the weapons display lit up...

THE MONTAGUE MALL ARMORY

"Okay, I'll admit it," said Nope, whistling. "I'm officially impressed."

They stood in the center of a room roughly half the length and breadth of the mall above them. It was filled with rows of huge packing crates, official looking metal boxes and pile upon pile of ammunition.

"Only a minor part of our total armory, of course," said the Possum.

"Of course," said Nope. "Hey, where'd you get these?" He opened a dust covered box. "Class-14 Laser rifles; multiple setting trigger, dual sights,  lightweight powerpack. Nifty." He lifted the rifle out.

"We have our..." The Possum trailed off as Nope sighted down the rifle at him.

"You know," said Nope calmly, "now seems like a perfectly good time to tell me everything you know."

After a moment, he added: "Preferably related, of course."

THE MAIN FLOOR OF THE MALL

"They will pay for this outrage!"

*We have to find them first.*

"contact the ship. locate them. we will teach them the meaning of pain."

~NoT nEcEsSaRy. LeTs JuSt DeStRoY eVeRyThInG. sOoNeR oR lAtEr We WiLl FiNd ThEm. ThEy CaNnOt RuN fOr EvEr.~

There was a rattle strangely reminiscent of dice.

*I sense lots of meat that way* said Gob-Stopper.

"Come on," said Henry. "They will not escape us twice."

THE RECEIVING AREA OF THE MALL

"Keep moving in front," commanded Romy. The customers slowly spilled out into the garage.

"The main gates are shut," announced Jules, coming up beside her. "The deadfall locks in place as well. The Mall must have locked down when the Omega Beacon was triggered."

Romy swore. "That was our only chance of putting some distance between us and those Four Apocalypsians."

"Hey," called one of the customers. "What do we do now? I can't wait around here all day, you know; I have to get into MacGarnet's Toy store before all the OzBat action figures are bought."

"Shut up," suggested Romy. "We could try to make it to the roof and call for the 'copters, but they'll take too long to get here."

Jules looked around. His eyes fixed on one of the delivery trucks. "Well," he said, grinning maniacally, "since Grandpa M. isn't going to want me around after I marry a Capulet anyway --"

Romy sighed, happily.

"--I think I have an idea..."

THE RECEIVING AREA OF THE FLYING SAUCER

"Hey kid, you wouldn't happen to have any spare clothes, would you...?"

"Clothes?!" Nick considered this. "Why, don't you have any?"

"Not exactly, no."

"Allow me to rephrase that," said Nick. "Why don't you have any?"

"It's a long story."

"And why are you speaking English on an alien spacecraft? With a distinct American accent, I might add."

"The name's Dan. I'm a reporter. I lost my clothes when they beamed me, my camera man and that superhero kid onto..."

"Superhero? I knew Tim was up here," said Nick. "I better go find him."

The room shook, and Nick fell as the floor became a wall and the wall became the floor.

There was a thud, followed by Dan swearing, loudly.

"That didn't sound good." muttered Nick. "I'd better hurry." He stumbled towards the exit, and pulled himself into the corridor.

"Hey!" yelled Dan. "You can't leave me here."

"Oh yes I can," said Nick. "I'm not walking around a flying saucer with a naked guy. What do you think this is, a French art-house movie? Sheesh!"

There was a noise strangely like dice rolling.

Nick looked down to find the Max disk lying on the floor. It glowed briefly, then subsided. It had shrunk to a handsize and was light enough and small enough to fit in his pocket, so Nick picked it up.

Now, he thought. Where would Tim be?

SASKATCHEWAN AIRSPACE (AGAIN)

In front of Iceman the weapons display lit up. If I can just trick Maverick into pulling a loop, thought Iceman, I should be able to hole the other fighter's exhaust; the damage won't be dangerous, but it should force Maverick to land.

For a second, he thought he could hear dice.

Without warning, his proximity alarms went off. Calmly he rolled his plane sideways, keying his radio simultaneously.

{{You'll have to try harder than that, Maverick.}}

There was a burst of static, then his opponents reply filled his headphones. {{Sorry to burst your bubble, Icey my man, but that wasn't me. Seems old oofoe wants to join the party. Yeeehaah!}}

Odd, thought Iceman. He performed a tight 180, scanning the skies for whatever had past him. After a moment, he triggered his radio.

"Edmonton base, we have a problem."

In front of him, the three remaining saucers had opened their gunports and were slowly advancing on the fighters...

Will Tim and Chet fall to certain death? Will Nick and Dan, trapped in the crashing spaceship, fall to certain death? Will Maverick and Iceman be shot down by the attacking UFOs and fall to certain death? Or will everyone be too busy vanishing when the Omega weapon hits the ground? We'll back right after this word from our sponsor...

SASKATCHEWAN AIRSPACE

The three remaining saucers had opened their gunports and were slowly advancing on the fighters.

"Edmonton come in, this is M-1!", Iceman called over the radio.

}}This is Edmonton base, go ahead M-1.{{

"Edmonton, the situation has changed, the UFO's are now coming in to what appears to be an attack position, I need to confirm the go ahead for use of lethal force should the need arise.", Iceman reported.

}}This is General Montague M-1, you have clearance to use lethal force if necessary.{{, the General confirmed. }}Try to protect the mall-{{

"What?", Iceman asked abruptly.

}}Mall...patrons! Try to protect the mall patrons, so many...innocents, down there...{{

"Yes sir.", Iceman stated coldly. "Sir, I'd also like to request that you scramble any available fighters to meet up with us, judging by size alone I estimate it will take more than myself and the two in my unit to take them down if necessary."

}}I'm on it M-1. Good Luck.{{

"Yes sir, M-1 out.", Iceman said, cutting his connection to Edmonton base. He double checked his onboard readout when a shadow loomed overhead,  causing him to look up.

It was Maverick, he'd inverted his jet to fly parallel over Iceman's, both cockpits facing each other.

{{Ooooh, need to call in reinforcements just for lil' ol' me?}}, Maverick radioed, flipping Iceman 'the bird'.

"I wouldn't need them to take you on Maverick.", Iceman radioed back. "As it is, we'd stand a better chance together, those saucers are preparing for some sort of attack."

{{So you want to put aside decades of family feuding and fight together for the common good, is that it?}}, Maverick asked.

"In a nutshell, yes."

{{You're on, Ice.}}, Maverick said, giving a thumbs up as he rolled his jet back upward and away to come Iceman's side.

"Okay Mav.", Iceman said. "Let's meet up in sector 2-5 and prepare for our first run..."

ELSEWHERE

The audience gave an "awwwwwwww" followed by light clapping.

"OH, WASN'T THAT TOUCHING.", he said with a snort. "IT'S YOUR TURN, WOULD YOU GO ALREADY?"

He smiled. "Oh don't be bitter, you're just mad because I got the race car."

"WE'LL WOULDN'T YOU BE?", he roared. "I COULDN'T FIND THE OTHER PIECES, ALL WE HAD WAS THE RACE CAR AND THE SHOE! THE SHOE!!"

"Put My hotel back please."

"WHAT!?!"

"I saw you palming My hotel on Baltic Avenue while you were talking just before.", He said with an understanding grin. "Please put it back."

"OH, DID I?", His opponent said with a demonic smile, producing the plastic red hotel piece between two fingers. "MY MISTAKE..."

SASKATCHEWAN AIRSPACE(a bit lower than the fighter planes and flying saucers tho')

Absolute panic took Tim over as he awoke to the view of being so high in the sky, free falling to what would surely be his death.

"NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME FOR THAT HERO THING TO KICK IN 'WHEAT LAD'!", Chet called over the sound of rushing wind.

Tim awoke from his fright, to the simple fact that they needed to avoid being splattered below like so much Silly Putty(tm)(bad analogy #1). His eyes gave a golden glow as his jacket ruffled around him, and wheat began to flow from his pockets.

"Ugh!", Chet involuntarily grunted as a ring of wheat surrounded his mid-section, slowing his descent slightly, but not stopping it.

Tim winced as a ring of wheat did the same for him, barely being able to notice the difference from seconds earlier. Damn, I wish I had my backpack with the bag of wheat, two pockets full aren't going to slow us down, not at this velocity., he thought. His eyes took in the landscape, beyond the mall,  beyond the houses, there were fields within view. Snow covered fields, but fields nonetheless. Fields of wheat. He could almost hear it calling to him.  From this distance, prompting spontaneous growth, in the dead of winter,  I imagine that would sap all of my strength, or loosen all my control over what little wheat I have already. I've never tested the limits of my powers, who knows what-

~~~~Never before had he felt so powerful, so...alive. The shadows around him faded in a bright golden glow. Tim, searching for the source of this sudden light was startled to find he was the source. He laughed in delight as his hands, moving in the air, left a trail of golden light behind it.~~~~

~~~~The grain from the train car began to spin about him.~~~~

~~~~Power. Oh yes, he'd show them power!~~~~

"What the goog was that?", Tim asked himself, waking from his split second vision.

"WHAT?", Chet asked as they continued to plummet.

Tim didn't know what to do. He didn't have enough grain to save them both, but the grain he could collect from the snow filled fields far below might tax him so much that he might lose control completely. And there was still the matter of the falling Omega Weapon, which was far beyond their reach, falling toward the Montague Shopping Arcade.

"THIS HASN'T BEEN ONE OF MY BETTER DAYS.", Tim called out.

"TELL ME ABOUT IT.", Chet called back, his eyes wide as the ground below came ever closer.

ELSEWHERE

An awed hush came over the audience.

"WOOHOO! FREE PARKING!", he cheered as he placed his shoe on the 'Free Parking' part of the board. "GIMME MY FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS!"

"Hold on now.", He said, holding up a hand. "That's not an actual rule, putting the five hundred dollars in the middle."

"COME ON!", the opponent raged. "I'VE ALWAYS PLAYED LIKE THAT!"

He held out the instructions to His foe. "Show Me where it says it's a rule, and I'll be happy to give you the money."

"BAH!", the opponent snorted, hitting the instructions out of His hand. "YOU'RE JUST MAD BECAUSE YOU LANDED ON BOARDWALK."

"I don't get mad.", He said calmly, sitting back.

The opponent placed the dice in front of Him. "NO, YOU GET EVEN."

He smiled.

THE MONTAGUE MALL ARMORY

"We have our..." The Possum trailed off as Nope sighted down the Class-14 Laser Rifle at him.

"You know," said Nope calmly, "now seems like a perfectly good time to tell me everything you know." After a moment, he added: "Preferably related, of course."

The Possum raised his hands cautiously, eyeing Nope. "I'm...*cough*...betrayed!"

"Lose the 'cough-cough, hack-hack' old man, I don't buy it anymore.", Nope informed him.

"Nhope!", Robert called from behind him, putting bullet belts over his shoulders. "Hees ahn oled mann!"

"Yes, I'm an elderly man, older than most, but your friend is very perceptive.", the Possum said to Robert, but still facing Nope and actually smiling. "The coughing and hacking is a bit of a put on, I exaggerate it to give the false impression of weakness."

"Well, like I said, I wasn't buying it anymore.", Nope repeated. "What's your story, old man?"

The Possum sighed. "My name is Reginald Allibaster Duncan Montague. You could say I'm the owner of this mall."

"Keep going.", Nope stated.

"They really don't need me here, the mall pretty much runs itself, I only get consulted when something major comes along.", the Possum continued. "Romy was that something."

"Romy...", Nope said, leading him on.

"Romy Capulet.", the Possum stated, eyeing Nope with contempt.

"Please don't tell me this is some warring family thing that dates back to the original scribblings of the little-known writer, Shakespeare.", Nope pleaded.

"Should I stop then?", the Possum said with a grin.

Nope sighed. "Go on."

"As in the Shakespeare tale of old, we Montagues and Capulets are at war.", the Possum continued. "They opened a convenience store, so we opened a grocery store. They opened a drive-in theater, so we opened a movie-plex."

"This is all a business war...?", Nope asked.

"Pathetic, isn't it?", the Possum agreed. "Oh how I long for the days where you could just walk up to a man, slap him in the face, and settle your dispute right there. Now there's stockholders to think of, trustees, profit margins, lawyers OOOOH, what I wouldn't give to smite a lawyer...!"

"Anyways..."

"Well, normally we would've killed the black clad brute squad in one fell swoop, but this time there was a catch."

"Romy.", Nope answered for him.

"Right, Romy.", the Possum continued. "Eager to prove herself to her family, she took the lead of the mission to capture of the Montague Shopping Arcade.  This wasn't your run of the mill takeover, it was a delicate situation. We had to send the Capulets a deliberate message, that's where I get called in."

"You were here to kill Romy, I saw that plunge from the rafters.", Nope said, remembering when the Possum had attempted, and failed, to kill her. "Are you nuts old man, why didn't you wait for a more opportune moment?"

"I was being pursued by a young whipper-snapper a little older than yourself.", the Possum answered. "The moment came, and I seized the day!"

"Whatever.", Nope said, edging with his rifle, indicating to the old man that he should go on.

"Needless to say, she averted my skilled attempt to kill her.", he went on. "But I managed to elude her goons, making fast my escape. She will die by my hand, make no mistake of that."

"Why?", Nope asked. "I mean, you tried, you failed, move on..."

"My great-grandson works here in the mall, I remain closeby in case he has need of me, and to watch over him.", the Possum continued. "He's a few donuts short of a baker's dozen if you catch my drift."

"I do.", Nope said flatly.

"Well, to make a long story even longer, John, Jules to his friends-"

"Jewles?", Robert interrupted. "Eye noh Jewles, hee vurks hat de hice kreem chop."

"Yes, that's him.", the Possum added.

"Continue.", Nope said impatiently, looking down at his watch.

"Oh yes, well, Jules Montague and Romy Capulet in the same place is something both families were trying to avoid.", the Possum went on. "Both are eligible singles, and well, you know what happened the last time our families 'hooked up'..."

"Eye no! Eye no!", Robert said excitedly, as if he was just starting to understand the conversation. "Lyke 'Romeo & Juliet', rite? Eye taut dat moovee waz grate...!"

Nope shook his head, burying his face in his free hand for a moment.

ELSEWHERE

Some of the audience yawned.

"NOW REALLY, I MUST INSIST."

His head rested in His palms as He looked off in no particular direction. "It's a tough decision, whether to pay two hundred dollars or ten percent of your wealth..."

"LOOK, I'LL HELP YOU, NO CHEATING, HONEST.", the opponent stated. "TEN PERCENT OF YOUR TOTAL WEALTH IS A LOT MORE THAN TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS, SO JUST PAY THE TWO HUNDRED!"

"I never was good at math.", He said with an innocent smile, placing His two hundred dollars in the bank tray. "Sorry that took so long."

"JUST GIVE ME THE DICE..."

THE PARKING LOT BEHIND THE RECEIVING AREA OF THE MALL

The sound of a truck gunning it could be heard from inside the large doors. Suddenly the metal screeched as a large truck plowed through the receiving area doors like a fist through some sort of industrial strength piece of tissue paper (bad analogy #2). The truck slid to a halt in the snow, as mall patrons scrambled out of the opening, running in every direction.

"Please visit the Montague Shopping Arcade again for your shopping needs!", Jules called out the window of the truck to the fleeing customers, pulling the bull horn cord a couple of times.

"Darling, you have a way with people.", Romy said with a grin from the passenger seat of the truck.

"There's only one person I'm thinking of 'having my way with' my love...", Jules said, hungrily staring at Romy, and unclicking his seat belt.

ELSEWHERE

The audience watched with renewed vigor.

"NOW THIS IS GETTING INTERESTING."

"I agree."

THE RECEIVING ARE OF THE MALL

"Blast!", Henry cursed.

Gob-Stopper gave a blackened teeth grin. *It seems the meat has scattered like so many ants from a magnifying glass.*(bad analogy #3)

Greasy Fry groaned. "i must kill someone. I'm going into withdrawal."

~WaIt A mOmEnT mY bReAtHeReN.~, the Jello Twinkie said, his greenish-yellow mass curdling to a stop over a small drainage grate. ~I hEaR vOiCeS! bElOw GrOuNd ThErE rEsIdEs SoMe mEaT! tHeY sEeM tO bE eNgAgEd In A lOnG, bOrInG tAlE oF sOmE sOrT...~

"Go Jello Twinkie, where you can only go. Flush these cowards out to the surface so that we may dine on their bones!", Henry ordered.

The disgusting mass sluiced through the grate, disappearing from sight.

"what of the omega weapon", Greasy Fry asked.

"Communications have been severed with our vessels, and I'm unable to discern the reason.", Henry pondered.

The sound of fighter planes screeching by rattled the insides of the mall, even the Four Food Groups of the Apocalypse (minus 1).

*What was that?*

The three remaining Food Groups exited the damaged doors and peered upward, seeing three of their ships maneuvering into attack position, while one faltered, as if barely being able to control itself, all the while, six fighter jets circling in standard attack formation.

*Flying meat!*, Gob-Stopper observed.

"We've not had challenges such as these in ages, and yet I grow weary of this game.", Henry stated.

"i'm hungry", Greasy Fry said simply.

ELSEWHERE

The audience booed.

"WHAT?", the opponent asked.

"We promised no direct involvement with the mortals, especially with these two. As you near them, the memory blocks we'd placed on them start to break.", He stated. "As ever, you break your vow."

"IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME, IT'S THAT I CANNOT BE HELD TO MY WORD.", he said, sporting an evil grin. "BESIDES, I HAVEN'T BEEN INVOLVED DIRECTLY, MY MINIONS SIMPLY HAPPENED TO SHOW UP...!"

"Oh really, you are just too much at times.", He said. "Now enough with the distractions, you owe Me fourteen dollars rent for landing on St. Charles Avenue."

"BLAST!", the opposition cursed, counting out the money.

THE DAMAGED FLYING SAUCER

"Argh!", Nick yelled as he fell back to the actual floor, the ship righting itself momentarily. "Tim? TIM!?!"

"Who's Tim?", Dan asked, crawling behind Nick.

"Agh!", Nick cried out. "Don't do that! The last thing I need right now is some naked guy crawling up to me, dude!"

"Hey, if I had a choice, I wouldn't be naked either kid.", Dan said, looking around him. "So how do we get off this thing? WITHOUT beaming?"

"I don't know, you sound like more of a Trekkie than I am.", Nick muttered as he stood up. He walked down the hall, calling out Tim's name, with Dan,  pathetically trying to cover himself, following along.

Suddenly a loud voice sounded all around them, in a language they couldn't understand. The ship tilted to one side, sending Dan backward through an archway, after which the shifting doors closed, separating him from Nick.

Nick turned from the shut doorway, and crawled his way up to the other, which promptly shut as he neared. For all intents and purposes, he was trapped.

Great!, Nick thought. If I don't find Tim in time to get home for 'South Park', I'm gonna be pissed...

ELSEWHERE

The audience 'Oooooed' in anticipation.

"HAH!", the opposition laughed. "YOU LANDED ON THE 'GO TO JAIL' SQUARE, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS!"

He smiled. "You seem to have forgotten about this.", He said as He lay down the card on the board...

What is the mysterious card that He's played? Where is 'Elsewhere' anyway? Will the fighter planes be a match for the flying saucers? What will Tim do to save him and Chet? Will the Omega Weapon be caught in time? Is Nope going to fall asleep from the Possum's story? Now that the hostages are free, will Romy and Jules flee or stay? What are the Four Food Groups of the Apocalypse's plans for the voices below ground? Is Nick really trapped? Is Dan cursed to go naked for most of this entire storyline? Don't ask me, I'm pooped...

THE PARKING LOT BEHIND THE RECEIVING AREA OF THE MALL

"Mmmm, darling," said Romy.

"Uh-huh?" asked Jules.

"Don't you think we should - oh, that's good, do some more of that - we should do something about, you know, them?"

"Nah," said Jules.

"Okay," said Romy. "Mmmm. Up a bit. Yeah..."

SASKATCHEWAN AIRSPACE

The sun was eclipsed by the black circle of the flying saucers as Maverick and Iceman skimmed their fighters a handbreadth from the alien surface.

{{Hey, buddy boy, how long before we find the weak spots?}} Maverick added another notch to his acceleration, grinning into the g-force. {{I'm gettin' bored!}}

"I'm not sure these ships have weak spots," replied Iceman, calmly matching his counterparts maneuvers, flying wing-tip to wing-tip.

{{Hit 'em long enough and they'll break,}} replied Maverick.

The pulse cannons blazed past them, unable to strike that close to the ships.

ELSEWHERE

They studied the card lying face on in the center of the board.

"IS THAT ALLOWED?"

"Of course. I never cheat."

"YES, PROBABLY, BUT I MEAN - JUSTICE?!"

"Major Arcana. As per section 2, subsection 3, paragraph 6, and I quote: Whereithtofor the player(s)(esse) may(have) played(or in playing) the..."

"STOP!! ALL RIGHT, ALL READY. IF YOU START QUOTING RULES WILL BE HERE ALL ETERNITY. PLAY THE DAMNED CARD. HERE, ROLL THESE DICE."

"No, thank-you. I'd rather roll the real ones."

The opposition muttered under his breath. Dice rattled...

PLUMMETING EARTHWARD AT TERMINAL VELOCITY...

The Omega weapon tumbled slowly through space towards the mall. Stray blasts from the flying saucers seared through the air around it.

Somewhere inside the small metal device, an even tinier device went

*PING!*

The now active Omega weapon continued to fall...

THE MONTAGUE MALL ARMORY

"Hey, can you smell something?" asked Nope. He glared at the Possum. "That wouldn't be you, would it?"

"Nope," said the Possum, grinning.

"I really hate it when people do that," snapped Nope. "Watch it, or you'll spend the rest of the day thinking you're a rabbit. Yeuch! What is that smell?!"

"Uhm, Nohpe," said Robert. "Ah theenk you shud luk at dis."

"I'm not going to like this, am I?" muttered Nope. He waved the laser rifle vaguely towards the Possum. "You. Don't move."

"Nohpe, ah rehelly theenk you shud luk at dis, rite nhow."

Nope turned round.

"Oh, goog."

The yellow-green goo, seeping in through a ventilation grill in the wall, rose up to form a vaguely humanoid figure. From somewhere inside it, despite no visible mouth, it spoke.

~DiD yOu ReAlLy ThInK yOu CoUlD eScApE uS, mEaT?~

"Well, quite frankly, yes," said Nope, swinging the rifle towards the approaching Jello-Twinkie. There was a muffled hum; the room filled with a wash of crimson light.

After three seconds, the laser rifle cut out, humming and clicking to itself as it cooled. The room filled with the stench of ozone and a thick, yellowish mist.

~NiCe TrY,~ said Jello-Twinkie.
~We ArE fAr MoRe PoWeRfUl ThAn YoUr PuNy WeApOnS.~
~We WiLl DeFeAt YoU.~
~AnD tHeN wE wIlL eAt yOu.~

"Nohpe, ah theenk sumthin' bad haz appen'd," said Robert, appearing out of the smoke. "Ah erd fur voycess."

"Four voices?" Nope flicked a switch on the rifle. "Hang on."

There was a muffled hum as the rifle fired once more. The smoke cleared to reveal two things.

Firstly, the Possum had once again vanished.

Secondly, where there had been one Jello-Twinkie now, split by the beam, there were four...

ELSEWHERE

"Rats. A double one," He announced, paying the fine.

The opposition laughed. "IT LOOKS LIKE I'M WINNING, THEN."

He grinned, silently.

Standing in the audience, a helmeted Norse warrior glanced at his companion, a tall, similarly garbed man. "You up for a wager, Ares?"

"From one God of War to another," said his companion, "I don't think this is worth betting on, Tyr. Still..." Ares considered, scratching his beard. "I'll wager forty goats and a night with Vana the Valkrie that he pulls a win out of nowhere."

"Done," said Tyr. "Let's just hope we don't have a fiasco like the last one."

"HMMM. A CHANCE CARD..." The opposition glared at Fate, who happily waved her hand. He growled, turning the card over.

ALSO PLUMMETING EARTHWARD

Tim closed his eyes, and reached for the fields below. Beneath the snow covered earth the grain struggled to obey his commands.

Damn, thought Tim. It's too far away. Need another option.

He turned his attention to the mall, reaching for the wheat he'd brought to the shops as samples. It rose to meet them, flying out through the smashed roof and curling around them, slowing their fall.

After a couple of seconds, the flow of wheat turned to dribbles and then cut off all together. They continued to fall.

Not good, thought Tim. Not good at all. Well, there goes my debut.

There was a sound strangely like someone throwing a card down and cursing, a sound promptly drowned out by the roar of a jet engine. Tim glanced sideways to see more fighter planes heading towards them, the emblem of the Canadian Air-Force emblazoned on their wings and tails.

"HEY CHET," he yelled over the noise, "I THINK I HAVE AN IDEA..."

ELSEWHERE

"Oh, bad luck, old chap," He said.

Clotho giggled, Lachesis smiled, Atropos said nothing, still staring into space.

"ONE DAY I'LL FIND A REASON TO REMOVE FATE FROM THESE GAMES," muttered the Opposition.

Someone in the audience laughed and then vanished, screaming, in a column of fire.

"Was that really necessary?" He asked.

"SHUT UP AND MAKE YOUR MOVE," snarled the Opposition.

THE DAMAGED FLYING SAUCER

Nick turned from the shut doorway, and crawled his way up to the other, which remained shut despite all his attempts to open it. He was trapped.  Sighing, he sat down against the wall. There was clang of metal on metal;  realizing he still had the disc on his pocket, he pulled it out to look at it.

A small ring of light lit up, then faded again.

"Guess you don't have enough power, huh, Max?" asked Nick. "Unfortunately I left my flying-disk-from-an-alien-spacecraft-power-recharger at home,  today." He looked around. "No what do I do?"

The ground shifted beneath him, and the disk fell from his hand, bouncing off a panel in the wall with a sound strangely like dice rattling.

The panel sprang open to reveal a couple of switches, a power outlet, and a small sign engraved in some unreadable language...

THE RECEIVING AREA OF THE MALL

A door in the side wall exploded outwards as Nope and Robert dived through it.

~StOp RuNnInG,~ hissed JT1.
~YoU'rE oNlY mAkiNg ThInGs WoRsE!~ announced JT2.
~YoUr DeAtHs WiLl Be SlOw AnD pAiNfUl eNoUgH wItHoUt YoU rUnNiNg AwAy FiRsT,~ explained JT3.
~CoMe BaCk AnD dIe,~ suggest JT4.

"You're really starting to bug me," snapped Nope, tossing a couple of concussion grenades at the approaching goo.

"...uhoh..." said Robert behind him. Nope swung round.

The Four (well, seven) Foodgroups of the Apocalypse looked down on them.

"How nice of you to drop in," said Henry.

"Go-" began Nope. His eyes glazed over as distant memories suddenly shoved themselves in front of his consciousness and began to can-can.

"Nohpe?" Robert shook him, to no avail. "Wahke uhp! Nohpe!!" There was no response. The 4FGotA began to close in.

"Oh, sheize!"

And just when you thought things couldn't get worse, too. Will Nope snap out of the recall trance to help Robert fight the 4FGotA? What is Tim's plan? Will Nick find an alien language dictionary in time to decipher that sign and escape the spaceship which, even as you read this, is plummeting towards the ground? Will all of these questions become irrelevant when the Omega weapon hits the Montague mall? Unless you're psychic, there's only one way to find out...

THE RECEIVING AREA OF THE MALL

"How nice of you to drop in." said Henry.

"Go-" began Nope. His eyes glazed over as distant memories suddenly shoved themselves in front of his consciousness and began to can-can.

"Nohpe?" Robert shook him, to no avail. "Wahke uhp! Nohpe!!" There was no response. The 4FGotA began to close in. "Oh, sheize!"

Nope couldn't hear him...

~~~~"So do we charge...er, limp into battle, bro'?" asked Weiran.~~~~

~~~~"We-"~~~~

~~~~The air pressure in the train car suddenly doubled. Weiran and Nope simultaneously slapped hands over their ears as metal screamed on metal.~~~~

~~~~The Demon's laughter came again. A column of fire rose, twisting, from the deck of the train and punched a hole in the roof.~~~~

~~~~"Goddess!", Weiran swore as metal screeched again. "What the f**k is he doing!?!"~~~~

~~~~There was an explosion. The top of the train ripped off, torn like the lid from a carton and similarly discarded, smashing to the ground in a second explosion of metal and glass. Somewhere outside someone screamed, but Nope was too busy trying to dodge flying shrapnel and watching the floating figure above to pay much attention.~~~~

~~~~"I don't think he's doing anything.", Nope yelled over the whine of high velocity grain smashing into the Demon. "He's lost control of his powers."~~~~

STILL PLUMMETING THROUGH SASKATCHEWAN AIRSPACE

Tim awoke from his dream-like state, more confused than ever. That wasn't the same., he thought. I wasn't seeing things, I was watching myself, in an uncontrollable state, ripping the top off a train car! I was being seen through someone else, by...Nope?

"HEY!", Chet yelled over the wind rushing by them as they continued to freefall toward the mall. "DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY THAT YOU HAD AN IDEA!?!"

"UM, YEAH!", Tim called out. Nope's here., he realized. I don't know how I know, but I do. He turned back to Chet. "I JUST HAVE TO REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS."

"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!", Chet yelled.

"WISH I WAS JOKING.", Tim called back, darting glances all around him. Again, he saw the fighter planes coming his way, the lead plane actually having to veer off in order to avoid hitting them.

SASKATCHEWAN AIRSPACE

"Damn it!", Iceman called, veering slightly upward. "Maverick, do you read? I need a visual-"

{{I saw it Ice.}}, Maverick radioed back. {{Two guys, one thin, one fat, both dropping like bricks.}}

"They must've tumbled out from the damaged saucer.", Iceman relayed. "Good lord, what will we do?"

One of Iceman's wingmen yelled as a pulse cannon blast caught his ship, shattering it to pieces.

"Tight formation!", Iceman called out over the radio. "Don't make it any easier for these guys to pick us off!"

{{Ice, break off from us and figure out what to do with those suicidal skydivers!}}, Maverick radioed. {{I'll lead the remaining fighters against the UFO's.}}

"Okay Mav.", Iceman stated, dropping down to let Maverick's fighter plane take the lead position. But what do I do?, Iceman wondered. I'm in a fighter plane, what can I do to save the two falling civilians?

YET ELSEWHERE IN SASKATCHEWAN AIRSPACE

The active Omega weapon continued to tumble slowly through space towards the mall.

Note: Canadian air, being further north than our American neighbors, is cooler, thus causing what is scientifically known as the Dunnowhut Toodo Effect, making objects, weapons, people, or anvils fall at a slower rate.

THE RECEIVING AREA OF THE MALL

Nope's nose curled as Greasy Fry's burnt forearm pressed his neck against the wall, holding him up off the floor.

"you will die.", Greasy Fry said simply.

"Yadda...yadda...yadda...", Nope hoarsely muttered as he was losing air.

Nope's head turned slightly, and he could see that Gob-Stopper had entwined Robert in her candied coils.

"You've provided an adequate chase my young friends.", Henry said, standing back as his fellow Food Groups did their work. "But all good things must come to an end."

"Oh Henry!", a raspy voice called from above.

"Who dares...!?!", Henry yelled, looking upward.

The Possum stood poised on the stairs leading to some offices that overlooked the receiving area. Strapped to his back was some sort of tank, with a thick cord that led to the large rifle shape in his hands.

"None call me that!", Henry raged. "I'm not some disgusting chocolate bar! I'm HENRY!!!"

"Maybe you should change it to "Fondue".", the Possum said with a grin, flipping a switch with his thumb, the front of the rifle barrel spark to life with a small flame. He pulled the trigger and a large stream of fire hit Henry, causing him to scream.

"Fahndoo!", Robert said from Gob-Stopper's grasp, laughing. "Dat's ah clehva kwip!"

Henry continued to howl in pain as the flames overtook his entire body, the chocolate leaking away.

*Fry! Jello Twinkies!*, Gob-Stopper called, dropping Robert. *Henry's in trouble!*

"i can't help him, look what happened to me last time.", Greasy Fry said, letting Nope go.

"Hahahahahahaha!!", the old man cackled. "The Possum strikes again!"

Gob-Stopper blackened teeth curled into a snarl as she took off toward the Possum. A light suddenly shined from her side, causing her to look that way.

"YEEEEHAAAA!", Jules yelled from the charging truck, gunning it into the receiving area. "This ones for Johnny!!!"

Like a dear caught in the headlights, Gob-Stopper froze. Seconds later, the front of the truck caught her, and rammed into a wall.

Well, it's not exactly Han Solo's timely rescue in Star Wars, but it'll do., Nope thought, rubbing his neck. He lurched for his fallen laser rifle, only to have his hand stepped on by the burnt foot of Greasy Fry.

"oh no you don't.", he stated.

Jules scrambled from the truck, looking around. "You okay gramps?", he called out to the old man.

"I'm fine, now get over here!", the Possum said, keeping the flames up on Henry. Seconds later, the stream of fire was sent upward as the old man twisted on the stairs, and fell through, landing on the receiving level floor below, four small greenish/yellow figures dropping from below the stairs where he'd once stood.

With the chocolate melted away, Henry had trouble moving. He was only a charred form of nougat and peanuts as he struggled to lift his foot and walk.  "You...shall pay...for...this insolence...old man!"

ELSEWHERE

"I TIRE OF THIS GAME!", the opposition raged.

"You're just mad because the tide has turned.", He said with a grin. "And don't forget My money for passing 'Go'."

"OH, HOW COULD I FORGET THAT?", the opposition mused.

He smiled as He rolled, counting out the paces as He moved His playing piece.

"THE ELECTRIC COMPANY...", the opposition muttered, slapping his brow, and burying his face into his hand.

THE DAMAGED FLYING SAUCER

The panel sprang open to reveal a couple of switches, a power outlet, and a small sign engraved in some unreadable language.

Nick picked up the disk, bracing himself as the ship rocked, and stared at it. "You didn't do that on purpose, did you Max?"

No answer came from the disk.

Nick came closer and looked at the open panel. He could clearly see a space that was the exact size of the small disk he held. With a shrug, he shoved it into the outlet.

A spark shocked him, and he drew back, sucking his finger. The lights in his area stopped flickering, and actually had a regular glow. He clapped over his ears as the non-sensical language began again. He yelled but couldn't hear his own voice.

"%%%~+&*^@#}~$$erface established.%%%", the voice stated, changing in mid sentence it seemed, and lowering the sound to an acceptable level for Nick. "%%%Awaiting Instructions.%%%"

"Woah.", Nick said. "Max?"

What did Nick do? Will Nope overpower Greasy Fry? Will the Possum survive the Jello Twinkies' onslaught? Is Gob-Stopper dead? What's happened to Henry (and HOW LONG did I wait to finally make that "Oh Henry" joke?)? Where's Romy? Who will save Tim and Chet? Is that notice about Canadian air really true? TBC...

ELSEWHERE

"I'M SURE I'M FORGETTING SOMETHING," muttered the Opposition.

"How to be a good loser?" He suggested.

"NO, I DON'T THINK SO, SOMEHOW. STILL, I'M SURE I'LL REMEMBER IT SOONER OR LATER. YOUR TURN?"

"Naturally." He rolled the dice...

THE RECEIVING AREA OF THE MALL : ROBERT & NOPE

Nope lurched for his fallen laser rifle, only to have his hand stepped on by the burnt foot of Greasy Fry.

"oh no you don't," he stated.

"You know," said Nope, reaching out to grab Fry's ankle, "you're really starting to piss me off." His foot smashed into Fry's stomach, knocking the 'man' back a step, freeing Nope's hand.

Fry laughed, kicking out, sending Nope sliding across the floor. "you are no match for us." He stalked towards the fallen hero. "i will feast on your bones."

Robert swung towards Greasy Fry, yelling "Eeet thees!"

The shotgun blast took the Fry in the chest, knocking him backwards. When he regained his balance it was to face Robert and Nope, laser rifles trained on his midriff.

"Don't take this personally," began Nope, flicking a switch. He added: "On second thoughts, do."

Twin beams of coherent light intersected explosively...

THE DAMAGED FLYING SAUCER

"%%%Awaiting Instructions.%%%"

"Woah," Nick said. "Max?"

"%%%Self-designate: Max. Communicating. Awaiting Instructions. %%%"

"What happened?"

"%%%This unit has been interfaced with the central computer system. Warning: this vessel is heavily damaged. Major gyroscopic failure imminent.  Awaiting Instructions. %%%"

"Damaged?! Hey, I saw the ship in the mall, that wasn't--"

"%%%This is not the Flight Command Module. Module automatically returned sub unit vessels when activating weapon systems. This is Main Transport 4.  Warning: Magdrive is reaching critical. Suggestion: transfer to Main Transport 4 via intership transmat. Awaiting Instructions. %%%"

"Slow down, I don't understand," said Nick. "What's going on?"

"%%%Accessing local speech files. Query: What do you want?%%%"

"All I want right now is to find Tim and get out of here."

"%%%Complying.%%%"

THE RECEIVING AREA OF THE MALL : THE POSSUM

The stairs gave way beneath his feet and he fell, flame-thrower turning skywards. Swearing, he twisted in mid air, landing lightly on his feet, weapon at the ready.

Four small greenish/yellow figures dropped towards him, striking the ground on either side.

~We MeEt AgAiN, oLd MaN.~
~YoU wIlL pAy FoR yOuR aFfRonT.~
~We HaVe AlWaYs HaTeD yOu MoNtAgUeS.~
~YoUr PiTiFuL fEuDs WiLl EnD hErE.~

"Thou artless dismal-dreaming maggot pie," commented the Possum. A wash of flame flickered towards his approaching assailants. "Aren't you supposed to obey whoever activated the Omega beacon?"

~WhAtEvEr GaVe YoU tHaT iDea?~
~BeSiDeS, EvEn iF tHaT wErE tRuE~
~ -WhIcH iT iSn'T - ~
~YoU wErEn'T tHe OnE tO aCtIvAtE iT!~

"Thou tottering tardy-gaited nut-hook," put in the Possum. He reached into his pocket and pulled out four sealed test tubes and carefully popped their corks,  keeping his enemies back with blasts of fire. "Thou wayward toad-spotted vassal. Thou gleeking flap-mouthed foot-licker."

~InSuLt Us As MuCh As YoU wAnT.~
~It WiLl MaKe YoUr DeAtH aLl ThE MoRe EnJoYaBle.~
~ThErE iS nOtHiNg YoU cAn Do To StOp Us.~
~We ArE iNvUlNeRaBlE.~

"Insult you as much as I want? Gee, thanks - I have a couple of million or so left - but I'd rather kill you, thou reeky plume-plucked miscreant," announced the Possum. "Listen carefully - to initiate a cascade reaction, one merely adds the alkaline to the acid..."

The test tubes smashed against the Jell-O Twinkies, who began to scream as smoke poured off their bodies.

"...and heats gently," concluded the Possum.

His fingers closed around the flame-thrower's trigger until his knuckles whitened...

SASKATCHEWAN AIRSPACE

Iceman turned his plane below the falling figures, balancing the fighter on the downdraft from his jet engines, in direct violation of both common sense and the engineering manual. It wasn't doing his plane much good by the sound of it and the vibrations were really starting to get to him, but he carefully matched himself to their velocity.

That was the easy bit. Somehow getting both of them into a cockpit that barely had enough room for one passenger, while simultaneously dodging the heavy fire of the pulse cannons and preventing all three of them from making a rather large mess on the ground below, was going to be the hard part.

The very hard part.

Taking a deep breath, he tightened up his oxygen mask and punched the button that retracted the cockpit...

THE RECEIVING AREA OF THE MALL : JULES

"Gramps!" Jules yelled as the Possum disappeared through a hole in the steps. He ran forward to look down, but couldn't see anything through the bitter smelling smoke.

"That... is the least of your worries..."

Jules swung round in time to catch Henry's blow in the face. He fell backwards down the stairs, rolling to end up against the truck.

"Like... grandfather like grandson..." hissed Henry. "Both of you will die... horrible... slow... deaths."

"Yeah? You gonna keep talking?" asked Jules, pulling himself to his feet and staggering around the truck. Gotta find a weapon - gotta find... Well,  whaddya know? A wheelbarrow full of golf balls and clubs.

Slowly, in forced staccato movements like a badly animated doll, Henry made his way around the truck. There was no sign of his quarry.   "There's no use...in hiding.", Henry muttered as he took a step forward, then another, searching left and right and,  unfortunately, now looking down which is why he failed to notice the golf balls.  His footing lost, he fell, cracking the floor.

"Hiding? Who's hiding?" asked Jules, dropping from the top of the truck onto the prone body. "Batter up!"

Henry struggled but was unable to pull himself up before Jules drove the three iron into his face. Behind them, a figure slowly approached.

STILL PLUMMETING THROUGH SASKATCHEWAN AIRSPACE

The fighter paused below them, it's cockpit drawing back.

Well, that makes this maneuver slightly easier, thought Tim. He closed his eyes.

"We're going too fast," yelled Chet. "If we hit it we're pizza! Kid? You ain't zonin' again are you?"

Tim ignored him, concentrating.

"Just my luck," muttered Chet. "I have to hook up with the world's only narcoleptic hero..."

The wheat moved around them, forming a funnel into the cockpit. The fighter pilot yelled something but, obscure by the wind and his face mask it was unintelligible.

"Hey, what are you--" began Chet. Tim shoved him towards the funnel as the last of the wheat gave out. Chet slid into the fighter plane; glancing up as the wheat dissipated he realized his companion hadn't followed him in.

"WHEAT LAD!!"

THE RECEIVING AREA OF THE MALL : ROMY

Jules swung the club again, chips and debris flying in every direction. Henry had stopped moving twelve strokes ago. Jules was just wondering if he could finish all eighteen holes under par when a chain of beads wrapped themselves around the club and ripped it from his hands.

*Prepare to die,* hissed Gob-Stopper. Half her chains were smashed and some black, vicious fluid was dripping from her many wounds. Her chains slashed towards Jules, who desperately tried to dodge, but too late. The chains wrapped around him, lifting him from the floor.  *I'll pull you apart* yelled Gob-Stopper.

"Put him down." Romy stepped out of the shadows behind her, a cross bow in her hand, a larger weapons strapped to her back. "It's lucky I forgot to clear out the trunk of my care after that hunting trip in the Rockies. Otherwise you wouldn't be able to have the pleasure of watching me kill you."

Gob-Stopper didn't even turn around. She continued to tighten her grip on Jules.

"I said put him down! Now! Or you're dead."

*You're welcome to try.*

"Try?" Romy raised an eyebrow. "There is no 'try'."

The cross bow bolt sprouted from Gob-Stopper's chest. Laughing, the woman dropped Jules and turned, snapping the head from the arrow and crushing it in her fist.

*And what exactly was that supposed to achieve?*

"Distract you," said Romy, raising her second weapon. "So I could use this."

The rocket launcher fired, blasting Gob-Stopper back into the truck. Seconds later, rocket, Gob-Stopper and truck exploded in a ball of flame...

STILL (STILL!) PLUMMETING THROUGH SASKATCHEWAN AIRSPACE

His reserves of wheat exhausted, Tim dropped past the plane even as Iceman desperately banked towards him. For a second he was treated to a nice close up view of a fighter plane's exhaust, then the slipstream sent him tumbling.

The grains began to stir...

Trying to ignore the nausea inducing spinning, Tim reached out with the last of his power to the far fields and summoned with all his strength. The strain was intense but he couldn't afford to fail, partly because it would leave him splattered across the mall below and partly because any minute now the Omega weapon would hit the ground. Any minute now.

The roots exploded through the soil, stalks smashing up through the snow...

A voice spoke in his head, strangely familiar and unfamiliar. ...accounting for the quadratic air resistance, we find that a falling body (at least in Newtonian physics) obeys the following laws of motion and we can calculate the various quantities involved. For instance, the time taken for an object of mass m, say, falling under gravity from a height of h, say, to strike the ground would be...

The wheat rose from the fields...

Tim realized three things, simultaneously. The voice was from Nope's memory, everything was falling too slowly, and he had no idea how or why he knew these things.

Everything was lost in the golden haze as the horde of  wheat surrounded him...

THE RECEIVING AREA OF THE MALL

"What the goog?!"

Nope staggered, clutching at his head as his mind was suddenly filled with the whispering of wheat fields in the wind. A second later it had faded, leaving gold spots floating in front of his eyes.

"Nohpe? Wot's gohin onn?"

Nope swore. "The damned idiot! He's only gone and done it again. You think he'd learn some control once in a while" He glanced upwards, searching among the fourth floor catwalks for sign of his backpack, noting that the saucer that had been in the mall was gone and deciding to worry about that particular thing later. "Too far away. Where's my d-portal ring when I need it?"

Somewhere overhead a line of gold light slashed towards the air battle between the fighter planes and flying saucers. The others came to join Nope.

"Here," said the Possum, tossing him his own clothes. "Stop whining."

"Hey, thanks," said Nope. He began to pull them on, pausing to glare at the others until they stopped watching.

"You take care of Jell-O Twinkie, pops?" asked Jules.

The Possum glanced down at the acid stains on his suit, then back up at Jules. "Obviously. Now," he added as Romy joined them, "let's talk about the wedding which I might added, is going to take place over my dead body."

"That can be arranged," said Romy, sweetly.

"A wehding?" asked Robert. "Ah lurve wehdings!"

"Hey," interrupted Nope, tossing the discarded guards uniform onto the still burning body of Greasy fry, "can you hear that? Sounds like something falling."

The Omega Weapon dropped into the mall...

THE COMMAND DECK OF THE FLYING SAUCER

The flash of light was bright enough to leave afterimages, even through the polarized windows of the spacecraft.

"What the hell was that?" asked Nick.

"%%%Omega Weapon pre-burst.%%%" announced Max. "%%%Main shockwave should vaporize us in fifteen seconds.%%%"

"Vaporize?! Get us out of here!"

"%%%Complying. Query: Destination?%%%"

"I don't know, just get everyone out."

"%%%Query: Destination?%%%"

"Anywhere! Just as long as it's elsewhere!"

"%%%Complying%%%"

The shockwave struck the ship...

ELSEWHERE

Nick found himself standing in a tall, vaulted building, scattered with roman columns and filled with strange people. At his side he found a small black disk;  when he touched it, a ring of light ran round the rim.

"Max?" whispered Nick. "Where are we?"

"%%%Elsewhere,%%%" replied Max, keeping the volume low. "%%%As you requested.%%%"

"I THOUGHT I WAS FORGETTING SOMETHING," said the Opposition. "DUNNOWHUT TOODO EFFECT INDEED. I THOUGHT MOVING THE SUPPLIES SUZY COLLECTED FOR NOPE FROM THE MAIN MALL TO THE RECEIVING AREA WAS BAD ENOUGH, BUT THAT JUST TOOK THE BISCUIT."

"It is allowed by the rules," He pointed out. "Random acts of chance."

"Hey, kid," whispered Dan from behind Nick, "where are we?"

"Dunno," said Nick without looking round. "And you better not still be naked."

Dan sighed.

"Well, hello," said a woman, walking up to him. "My name's Aphrodite." She looked Dan up and down. "So... what are you a god of?"

"PERHAPS," continued the Opposition, "BUT IT IS IRRELEVANT ANYWAY. IT APPEARS I HAVE WON; NEVER A BETTER TIMED DOUBLE, IN MY OPINION. THE OMEGA WEAPON WAS AN INTERESTING TOUCH, NO? SO, THAT'S ANOTHER ONE TO ME AND..."

"Not so fast," He interrupted. "The game isn't over till I make my last move."

"GO AHEAD. THERE'S NO WAY YOU'LL WIN NOW."

He leant forward, face grim and picked up the dice. They rattled viciously in the cup, then tumbled towards the table. Before they could strike, someone grabbed them. The two Players turned to meet a dark, crimson glare.

"Before you do that," said Nope, "I'd like a word with you..."

Need I Say: To Be Concluded?!

ELSEWHERE...

He leaned forward, face grim and picked up the dice. They rattled viciously in the cup, then tumbled towards the table. Before they could strike, someone grabbed them. The two Players turned to meet a dark, crimson glare.

"Before you do that," said Nope, "I'd like a word with you..."

"WHAT...!?!", the Opposition raged. "HOW DID YOU COME TO BE HERE?"

"Even if I knew, I wouldn't tell you...Lucifer Morningstar, also known as the Devil!", Nope said dramatically, turning around to the audience.  Nothing but silence.

"We knew that, young one.", one of the gods voiced.

"Oh. Yes, of course you all knew that.", Nope said, attempting to recover quickly. " But I wasn't supposed to. To tell you the truth, there's a lot of this I wasn't supposed to know, isn't that right?"

He smiled. "That much is true. However, certain circumstances arose that demanded that you both start to 'remember' certain things..."

"OH, I SEE!!", the Devil roared. "YOU WERE THE REASON THE MEMORY BLOCKS FAILED!"

"No, that was still your fault.", He informed His Opposition. "If you hadn't set forth events to exact your revenge on Nope and Tim, none of this would've happened."

"THAT DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY THE MEMORY BLOCKS FAILED!"

Nope eyed Him. "You wouldn't have anything to do with why I came all the way up to Saskatchewan just buy a ring I could've easily bought anywhere in the United States, would You?"

He grinned. "You didn't get around to paying for that ring, did you?"

Nope flushed in embarrassment.

"OH THE TREACHERY!", the Devil screamed. "WHAT OF YOUR PRECIOUS RULES?"

"Why brother, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were accusing Me of cheating.", He exclaimed with seemingly mocked surprise.

"Look, this means about 'jack' and 'squat' to me right now.", Nope said, looking quite angry. "All I want you to know is that you're both finished."

Both He and the Devil eyed him.

Goog, am I threatening God and the Devil?, Nope couldn't help but wonder.

"AND WHY IS THAT?"

"Because this is a distraction.", Nope said with a grin.

"I'm sorry...?", He asked, seemingly confused.

The pair flinched as the playing board between them became washed in a golden swarm. When the swarm dissipated there was nothing left of the board or it's pieces but a few scraps or small, broken remnants of the game.

He and the Devil both turned to see Tim, covered for the most part with wheat, with much of it floating around him like a swarm. Even amidst the swarm, and beneath the layer of wheat that covered his body, they could still make out a smile.

"Game Over.", Tim said, his eyes ablaze with a golden glow.

The crowd around them clapped.

"SILENCE!!!", the Devil roared, standing up to his full height, easily towering over any of the people gathered. "THE GAME CANNOT END WITHOUT A VICTOR!"

"Hoo's Veektuh?", Robert asked from behind the gods, in the aisles with all the other people that had been transported...here.

"WHAT IS THIS?", Lucifer demanded. "HAS NO ONE MET THEIR UNTIMELY DEMISE DOWN ON EARTH!?!"

"Just a bunch of 'clubbed' black garbed henchmen, Johnny.", Jules said, one eye twitching. "They deserved it though..."

"I'M NOT 'JOHNNY', I'M THE DEVIL."

"And your Four Food Groups of the Apocalypse.", Romy added.

"And Elsie...", Nick added as well, looking downcast.

"Do not worry young one.", He assured Nick from the center stage area. "She's passed on to a better place."

"REGARDLESS OF ALL THIS NONSENSE,", Lucifer continued, "WE MUST START THE GAME OVER! I DEMAND A NEW MATCH!"

"Oh relax brother.", He said with a smile. "We've played many a game since the dawn of time. We shall play many more in the eons to come. Let us forget the game for the moment, and rest for a while. Let us celebrate."

"CELEBRATE!?!", the Devil questioned. "CELEBRATE WHAT!?!"

"That we were beaten brother.", He said, opening His arms to indicate all around Him. "For once, the pieces in our game rose up and refused to be played! I for one am proud of them."

"YOU WOULD BE.", Lucifer said, sporting a slight, albeit small grin.

"*Ahem*", Tim said, clearing his throat.

The heavenly and hellish duo turned.

"Just so you're both aware of it, myself and Tim have decided not to opt for the 'memory scrambling' process.", Nope said, rising up and down on his heels. "Remembering all that stuff from the summer was traumatizing enough, and in the event that you two somehow end up playing another game involving us, I'd like to at least remember that when I'm cursing 'Godammit!' or 'Hell!', I'm doing it for a reason..."

"Fair enough.", He said.

"OUT OF THE QUESTION.", the Devil stated flatly.

"Brother, we've already attempted to make them forget their past before.", He explained. "To do so again would risk permanent damage."

"ALL THE MORE REASON...", Lucifer said, a hellish grin on his red face. Tim and Nope gulped.

"You know I won't concede to you on this point.", He pressed on.

The Devil scowled. "VERY WELL."

"So what happens now?", Tim asked. "Do we get sent back in the past, or do we continue on?"

He looked at Lucifer, who shrugged in turn, catching a glance of Aphrodite, and licking his lips.

"All will be sent back in present time, but only you two alone will remember this 'divine intervention'.", He informed them. "Most of the events will have occurred, but only to have reached their fruition to lesser results."

"That's great!", Tim exclaimed.

Nope happened to glance at the Devil, whom he noticed was smiling. "Does this mean he gets his Four Food Groups of the Apocalypse back?"

He sighed. "I'm afraid it does. But they won't be summoned to the mall by the Omega Beacon, I've taken precautions to prevent that."

"Good.", Nope said, speaking up a bit louder so that Lucifer would hear. "I'd hate to have to kill them AGAIN."

The Devil gave Nope a hateful stare, walking back to His side. Raising both their hands, a bright glow overtook all the mortals gathered.

"Wait, what about the Omega Weapon? Will Romy and Jules still be together? What's the deal with all the stores starting with 'Mc' or 'Mac'? How..."

*SHIFT*

SASKATCHEWAN

Nick entered the door to his house, where his mother rushed out of the kitchen, holding him tight.

"My god Nick, I thought I'd never see you again!", his mother cried. "Are you allright?"

"I'm fine ma.", Nick said grinning. "I was with Tim, he was great! And he had a friend come visit who had powers too, it was like a Jedi mind trick thing or something! And-"

She just dropped and hugged him again. "I'm going to call your father at work, he was even more worried than I was..."

Nick smiled, heading upstairs, when his hand found something in his pocket. It was a small black disk, a ring of light running around the rim...

THE MONTAGUE SHOPING ARCADE: MacRILEY'S  JUSTICE OF THE PEACE

"I now pronounce you man and wife.", the priest announced. "You may kiss the bride."

Romy and Jules locked into a passionate kiss, as a series of moans rose from both sides of the church.

"I still object...!", the Possum muttered to himself, crossing his arms in the "Montague" side of the pews.

A PRESS CONFERENCE

The flashbulbs went on and off as Dan rose to the bank of microphones, smiling wide.

"I know you all want the big scoop on the near hostage situation at the Montague Shopping Arcade, and the subsequent UFO sightings...but I'm afraid all the pertinent details will be in my new book; "Dan Eggelstone : One in a Million"." He gave a cheesy smile as the onslaught of countless pictures came again. "Are there any questions?"

"Yes.", one reporter voiced. "Why aren't you wearing any clothes?"

Dan looked down stunned. Somewhere nearby, Chet laughed his ass off...

CIA HEADQUARTERS : LANGLEY, VIRGINIA

"Come in Robert, come in.", the man at the desk said, waving his hand.

Robert Smith walked in, and stood straight in front of the desk, staring forward. "Rahbuht Smitt reepohtink, suh."

"Uhm, yes...", the man said, shuffling through some papers, until finally snatching one up. "I just needed to see you myself before you were transferred."

"Trahnzfurt?", Robert asked.

"Yes, because of your uh...exceptional covert work at the McDonalds up in Canada, we've decided to make a lateral move for you, so you'll gain more experience.", the man said, handing him his transfer papers. "Don't take it as a slight, it's not like we're trying to umm...get rid of you...heh, heh, heh...congratulations."

Robert frowned as he read the paper. "Eye'm beeink trahnzfurt frahm de Seeyaheh two dee EffBeeEye...?"

BLACK UNIFORMED GUARDS R' US

Many, many, MANY black uniformed guards sat around a large room, tossing around ideas.

"We could...become a new football franchise."

"Naw, we're not good enough."

"We could...do charity work."

"No money in it."

"We could...get new uniforms..."

"*Sigh*"

ELSEWHERE

*Pok-KINK!*

The Devil frowned as He popped the plastic bubble in the middle of the "Pop-O-Matic Trouble (tm)". He was counting out his spaces along the outside track.

"Hah, I've sent your piece back to your starting point, sorry brother.", He said with a bright grin.

Lucifer sighed, staring down at the board. "WE HAVE GOT TO GET SOME NEW GAMES..."

SASKATCHEWAN BUS DEPOT

Nope purchased his ticket, and crossed the waiting area, to where Tim sat.

"How're you feeling?", Tim asked.

"My stomach's still in knots.", Nope said, sitting back slowly. "I think I'd puke again if I had anything left in my stomach to heave...I can't believe I threatened God and the Devil..."

Tim grinned. "Now they'll think twice about messing with us again."

Nope almost chuckled. "Don't make me laugh right now Tim, my stomach's sensitive at it is...!"

Tim became serious for a moment. "Well, at least they kept their promise, our memories are intact. I'm even remembering most of our Summer adventure."

Nope nodded. "Me too."

"Do you think Weiran or Aliandra will remember anything from the Summer?", Tim asked.

"I doubt it.", Nope answered, shifting in his seat. "So have you thought about it?"

"Yeah.", Tim said. "But I don't think it'd be a good idea right now. I appreciate the offer though, the J-Street Task Force sounds like a good bunch of folks..."

"They are.", Nope said, nodding.

There was a silence between them, as the morning sun started to shine through the large windows.

"It isn't the last we'll see of them, is it?", Tim voiced.

Nope leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "Who knows? It all depends if the Devil, the most diabolical, menacing, evil thing ever created, holds a grudge..."

"Yeah.", Tim said grimly, though smiling. "That's what I thought."

"Well, if I've learned anything from these exchanges, it's that we're linked Tim.", Nope said, standing up. "By no less than Him and the Devil himself! Our threads of fate seemed to be tangled together in the grand scheme of things.  This isn't the last time we'll meet."

Tim stood extending a hand. "It's been a pleasure Nope."

"Likewise.", Nope said, shaking Tim's hand.

The sun glinted off the metallic rails of the bus depot's seats, flashing in the direction of a small bar in the corner, the owner opening the glass doors, just starting to open for business.

Nope grinned. "I still got time before my bus shows. Buy you a drink?"

Tim looked down towards the bar. "It's a little early, but what the heck?"

They walked down the hallway towards the bar, casting long shadows across the bus depot's square tiled floor.

"Aren't you underage...?", Tim asked with a smile.

"Don't worry.", Nope said, grinning back. "I'll convince them..."