Oo, Bet you're wond'ring how I knew
'Bout your plans to make me blue
With some other guy that you knew before?
Between the two of us guys,
You know I love you more.
It took me by surprise, I must say,
When I found out yesterday.
~~~~~

Detective James Ellison stood in his kitchen, staring sullenly at the coffee-maker as its burbling and hissing broke the silence in the loft. Silence because Jim's roommate, Blair Sandburg, hadn't come home the night before. Not that Jim had expected him to. It was finals week, and Sandburg often spent the night at his office when he was this swamped with work. He normally came home in the morning for breakfast and a shower though, so Jim was waiting impatiently for him. They needed to talk about what he'd heard the day before...

~~~~~

Jim had just entered Hargrove Hall and was on his way to Blair's office, dodging students who swarmed out of a quickly emptying lecture hall. Something about a pair of giggling girls caught his eye as he passed them, and Jim found their conversation drifting into his ears.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I saw them kissing in his office yesterday when I went in to ask a question."

"Well, they make a cute couple, but...Mr. Sandburg? I thought he dated women!"

Jim stopped in his tracks and listened more intently.

"Apparently he dates both. Not only that, but I heard Mr. Sandburg talking about moving in with him."

Jim's heart skipped a beat. Moving? Sandburg was planning on moving out? Jim felt a profound sense of loss stealing over his soul that he couldn't explain.

More giggling from the girls drew his thoughts back to their conversation. "It makes for an interesting mental picture, anyway. Mr. Sandburg and Professor Phillips. Well, the female half of the population has suffered a great loss today." The girl's voice was teasing and melodramatic and the conversation descended into more giggling as the girls walked away, but Jim was no longer listening.

Phillips? As in David Phillips? Blair's old friend? Wait, make that Blair's old boyfriend, Jim realized. He dropped onto a bench in the hallway, abruptly out of breath. Blair, his Blair, and another guy. Blair was leaving. Well, no, Sandburg wasn't leaving the partnership. There was no reason to think that. He was just moving out of the loft. It had never been intended to be a permanent arrangement, after all. No matter that it had come to feel permanent...they would still be friends. He should've expected this. One of them would have found someone eventually...

Jim's mind flashed back to the day, almost two months ago now, when he first met Professor David Phillips. It had been a day in many ways similar to this one, except that Blair had been deep in midterms rather than finals, but Jim had taken him some lunch to make sure he took the time to eat....

As Jim approached Blair's office door, he heard his guide laughing, and it made him smile in response. He wondered briefly if one of Sandburg's students had written something absurd on their midterm, then realized there were two voices coming from the office ahead of him.

Blair's greeting when Jim opened the door was warm and effusive. "Jim, my man, come on in! I want you to meet an old friend of mine! Jim, this is David Phillips. He just accepted a position here at Rainier as a history prof. David, this is Jim Ellison, my roommate and partner."

Jim smiled and politely ignored the appraising look from the professor as they shook hands, especially since he was giving Phillips a once-over himself. Thirty-something, dark black hair, vaguely Native American looking. Jim had just decided he seemed friendly and trustworthy when Phillips released his hand and gave a roguish grin to Blair that lit up his whole face.

"Moving up in the world since we lived together, eh Blair?"

Sandburg responded quickly, "Aw, no, man, it's not like that."

Jim was confused; was Blair blushing? It wasn't the first time someone had mistaken their relationship, but one of them usually explained without batting an eye.

"Jim's a cop," Blair was continuing, "and I work with him. On the force, I mean. I'm a civilian observer, and we're partners. That's all."

Phillips seemed to accept that, and Jim cleared his throat and held up the deli take-out bag he'd brought in with him. "Look, Chief, I know how busy you get with midterms-" he shifted his grin to Phillips who interrupted him.

"And he still forgets to eat? I've always said there was a reason God gave him those puppy-dog eyes of his. He doesn't take care of himself, so God made him cute enough that everyone else would want to take care of him."

Jim could only grin as Blair turned a darker shade of red. "Okay, guys, don't talk about me like I'm not here. Jim, thanks man, I appreciate the lunch. I promise to eat it," Sandburg added as he took the bag from Jim, "but you're right, I'm swamped here. And Jim, don't wait up for me tonight, I'll probably just catch a nap here. I've got a lot of papers to deal with. David, we'll get together next week, after midterms, okay? See you later, guys!"

Jim and David looked at each other, amused, as they suddenly found themselves on the outside of Blair's closed office door.

"How does he do that?" Phillips asked, shaking his head.

"I just want to know how he did it in one breath!" Jim added as they both laughed.

"Hey, you want to go for a beer, tell each other embarrassing stories about him to get back at him?"

Jim shook his head. "Love to, but I'm still on duty. I just stopped by to make sure the kid ate. Maybe another time."

Memory faded as Jim returned to the present, sitting blankly on a bench in Hargrove Hall. How blind had he been? And he called himself a detective...Blair had been embarrassed by David's innuendo because he and David had a history, because when they had been roommates, they had been partners, sexual partners. How had he missed that? And now...now were they resurrecting that old relationship?

Jim kept thinking about that as he made his way to Sandburg's office with another deli takeout bag. So similar to that day two months ago, but Jim felt like his world had dropped out from underneath him. He was almost relieved when he found Blair's office empty, not quite ready to talk about what he'd overheard. He left the deli bag on the desk with a note reminding his partner to eat, then headed back to the station with plenty on his mind.

~~~~~
Oo, I heard it through the grapevine,
Not much longer would you be mine.
Oo, I heard it through the grapevine,
And I'm just about to lose my mind.
Honey, honey yeah.
~~~~~

Jim entered the loft almost silently. He'd done paperwork all afternoon, but he couldn't remember a word of it. His mind seemed dazed, and he couldn't stop going over and over what he'd overheard on campus.

Jim put his keys in the basket by the door, the clinking sound as they dropped registering somewhere in the back of his mind. He removed his jacket and hung it up robotically. If his habits hadn't been so ingrained, he probably would've missed the coat rack completely. He removed a beer from the refrigerator and found himself on the balcony before he'd realized his intentions. His brow furrowed as he stared out over Cascade.

Memories assailed him, memories of himself and the best friend he'd ever had. Three years of memories, good and bad, calm times and panicked ones. He saw his friend as his hands flew, explaining some esoteric principle he'd never understand. He saw the quick smile as they shared a beer in their home. He remembered the flash in his guide's eyes as they argued after Incacha's death. The calm, unfailing trust in those same blue depths when Jim had found him after he'd been kidnapped by yet another psycho. Blair's voice resonating in his own soul, "I knew you'd find me."

He took a sip of his beer and his fingers grew white around the bottle as darker times played out in his mind. The stoop of Blair's shoulders as he walked out, saying, "You know where to find me." The unnatural stillness as he lay on the ground outside Hargrove Hall. The terror in Jim's heart at the thought of losing the one person who meant anything in his life.

So why did this feel so similar? Blair was his best friend, and that wasn't going to change if he moved out of the loft. But just the thought tore holes in his heart. Why? It didn't make sense, nothing about this made sense.

~~~~~
You know that a man ain't supposed to cry
But these tears I can't hold inside
Losin' you would end my life you see
'Cause you mean that much to me.
~~~~~

It felt like he was losing Blair, but if he wasn't going to lose their friendship, what exactly was he losing? His mind grabbed that thought and ran with it. More scenes of Blair flashed before him, of himself and Blair together, in the loft, their day-to-day routines that were about to be destroyed. Blair in the morning, mixing that ugly green algae shake that Jim reluctantly admitted tasted okay if you could just get past the colour. Blair rubbing his shoulders after a tense day of grilling a suspect, his voice gentle and soothing, hypnotic, caring. Blair's smile over dinner, telling his friend in excruciating detail how his day had gone, somehow making even the ins and outs of academic politics interesting. Blair coming out of the shower with a towel wrapped around his hips, laughing right along with Jim that the jeans he'd taken into the bathroom with him weren't quite as clean as he'd thought they were. His hair had still been wet, tight curls clinging to his face, his chest glistening with moisture. Jim distractedly thought that was one of the times Blair had looked his most beautiful.

Whoa, wait a minute! Blair looked what? Was he interested in his partner...that way? He'd always known Sandburg was good looking. It would've been hard to miss with the parade of women he often had. But this sudden surge of emotions seemed like more than mere aesthetic appreciation. What exactly was he feeling?

Jim had never been interested in guys before. He'd done what he considered some fairly normal experimentation in his younger days, but he'd long since decided that other men were just not his thing. Now, he deliberately considered it. He pulled the image back up in his mind, of Blair dressed only in the towel, and then pictured himself reaching for the young man. Imagined them touching, his hands sliding over that slick, gleaming skin. Jim was filled with an overwhelming urge to bury his hands in that tangle of wet hair and he felt himself responding to the idea.

Jim leaned back against the balcony doors, groaning lightly. He knew exactly what he was feeling. It was lust. More than lust. Jim had loved Blair for a long time now, as much as he thought he could love someone without the physical relationship involved. If anyone had asked, Ellison would have said he loved Sandburg like a brother. Closer, even. Another flash in his mind of Blair, his head thrown back in pleasure, throat exposed and begging to be kissed, and Jim felt a stirring between his legs that was decidedly not brotherly.

Well, that certainly answered the question of why the idea of Blair leaving stirred such terror in his heart. He didn't just love Sandburg, he was in love with him.

He remembered again the horrible day at the fountain. Purposefully he dredged up every nuance of the pain of that day. Jim felt a cold band tighten around his chest as the feeling of loss and emptiness swept over him. His eyes closed tightly as tears threatened to overwhelm him. The remembered vision of their spirit guides merging only made him more sure of his conclusion. They were bonded, joined somehow. Losing Blair now would kill him. How could he not have known he felt this way? How could he not be in love with such a special person?

Jim knew now where his heart had been wanting to go for a long time. But had he figured it out too late?

~~~~~
You could have told me yourself
That you found someone else
Instead, I heard it through the grapevine
Not much longer would you be mine
Oo, I heard it through the grapevine,
And I'm just about to lose my mind.
Honey, honey yeah.
~~~~~

Was Blair in love with David? Would it be too late for Jim to tell him how much he loved him, too late to ask him not to go? Why hadn't Blair told him? Jim hadn't even known Sandburg and Phillips were dating, hadn't even realized Blair was interested in men, let alone that Blair was considering, no, planning to move in with him! How could Blair do this? How could he not tell his best friend something so important to him?

Jim threw open the doors of the balcony and stalked back inside. After grabbing another beer from the fridge, he paced around the living room, his eyes growing darker with each circuit, his face harsher, the little tic in his jaw jumping.

Damn Phillips! Who the hell was he to Blair? If he thought Jim was going to let some history professor drop in out of the blue and take his guide away from him...Blair was his guide! He belonged right where he was, with James Ellison.

Jim collapsed onto the couch limply, as if someone had cut the string holding him upright. His half-empty beer bottle fell unnoticed from his grip as both hands came up to rub at his face.

"Damn it, Chief, I miss you already and you're not even gone." Jim looked up at the ceiling in despair. "You could have told me yourself, Chief. At least then I'd have a chance to tell you how I felt, to ask you not to go. Instead, I hear it from some co-ed in the hall. This can't be happening! This can't-"

He broke off suddenly and groaned, remembering again the last time he'd used that phrase.

How could Blair do this to him? That day, their spirits...it was more than a vision and they both knew it, though he hadn't been ready to admit it at the...oh.

A memory of words spoken between them came mockingly to his mind, "I'm not ready to take that trip with you, Chief." God, how stupid had he been? How many times did he have to react in fear before he stopped and confronted those fears? Jim and Blair had joined somehow that day, connected, like he'd never felt before, and it scared Jim so much that he pushed it away. Had he pushed Sandburg away in the process? Was all this his fault?

He couldn't decide whether to be angry or feel guilty, and he waffled between wanting to kiss Blair and shake him senseless for thinking of leaving him. Didn't he know how much Jim loved him, how much a part of himself Blair had become?

~No, of course he didn't,~ Jim realized immediately after thinking the question. ~I didn't realize it myself until today, how the hell was Sandburg supposed to know?~ His partner may have been a genius but he wasn't psychic.

How would Blair react when he told him? Would Blair be interested in...in a relationship with Jim? Would it be a climax to their unparalleled friendship, or its destruction? Should he even tell Blair how he felt? If Sandburg actually was in love with Phillips, would it hurt him to find out Jim was in love with him? Maybe he shouldn't know. Maybe Jim's love would just disrupt Blair's life.

Morning found Jim still sitting on the couch, the night slipping away as his thoughts and questions continued their turmoil. The rising sun brought light and warmth to the air, but none to Ellison's soul. The early morning breeze blowing through the still-open balcony doors carried no answers to the questions which had haunted him constantly through the dark hours.

A shrill beeping stirred him out of his thoughts. What the-the alarm clock upstairs? Jim rubbed his eyes wearily and looked out the windows, only then realizing his sight dial was back to its normal setting; it was morning. He dragged himself up the stairs to turn off the irritating noise. A glance at the clock reminded him that Sandburg ought to be home soon for a shower and some breakfast. Jim gathered some clothes and headed downstairs for his own shower. Mentally reviewing his schedule as he went through his morning routine, he realized that not only was it his day off, but Sandburg didn't have a class until 2. Perfect. They needed to talk.

Jim dried himself off and dressed without really noticing his own actions. His thoughts were focused only on his Guide: how to broach the subject that had possessed him all night, what to tell Blair (and what would be best left unsaid), and how would be the best way to say it.

~~~~~
People say you "Half from what you see,
None, none, none from what you hear."
I can't help bein' confused
If it's true, won't you tell me dear?
Do you plan to let me go
For the other guy that you knew before?
Oo, I heard it through the grapevine,
Not much longer would you be mine.
Oo, I heard it through the grapevine,
And I'm just about to lose my mind.
Honey, honey yeah.
~~~~~

He was standing in the kitchen, leaning against the refrigerator and staring morosely at the coffee pot, when he heard the sound of the door opening downstairs. He straightened and pulled out two coffee cups from the cabinet, setting them hastily on the counter. His mind racing, he grabbed a pan to make breakfast with, then turned back to the refrigerator. He was rummaging in it when the door to the loft opened and his hands stilled for a moment.

Not trusting himself to look at his partner, Jim called out, "I'll have breakfast ready in a few. Why don't you go on and take a shower?"

Sandburg must have noticed something in the tone of voice, because he headed into the kitchen instead of toward the bathroom. "Jim? You okay?"

Ellison set the eggs on the counter and his gaze landed briefly on Blair and then flicked away. "Yeah. No. We need to talk, Chief, but it can wait 'til you're ready for breakfast."

Blair hesitated, but something in the stiff way Jim was holding himself and not looking him in the eye must have clued him in, because he answered only, "Okay, Jim. Whatever you need, man. I'll just be a minute," and then he was heading for the bathroom.

Jim took the brief reprieve gratefully, taking a deep breath as he started scrambling his eggs. His thoughts refused to settle as easily, though, and he slid his eggs onto a plate still wondering frantically what he was going to say. His mind spun as furiously as the blender while he mixed Blair's breakfast algae shake. When he heard the shower cut off, he started to carry the breakfast to the table, but his stomach turned over at the suddenly overpowering smell of the eggs. Okay, no breakfast this morning. He scraped the contents of the plate into the trash and poured himself a cup of coffee, took a deep breath and carried the mug and the glass to the table, where Sandburg was waiting.

Jim held out the algae shake to Blair, his icy blue gaze unreadable in the early morning sun. Blair took it and sat down at the table, eyes glued to Jim's every move, puzzlement written clearly in the lines of Blair's face, in the way his forehead wrinkled and his eyes flashed as he tried to figure out what was going on. Jim couldn't help but notice that the tight curls of Blair's hair were clinging to his face again, still wet from the shower. He swiftly took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying not to let his emotions overwhelm him. It was too soon. They had things that needed to be discussed.

Jim sat down at the table with a cup of coffee and repeated, "We need to talk," without looking Blair in the eye.

"I'm here, man. What's up?" Blair's voice was quietly caring, but laced with an undertone of worry and maybe fear.

Jim's looked up and his gaze grabbed Blair's heart. "About Phillips. I...I heard you were planning on moving in with him."

Blair shot up out of his chair, "You heard this? From whom? You've been talking about me behind my back?" The younger man started pacing back and forth.

"Whoa, wait a minute here," Jim responded, "Chief, don't accuse me of things like that. You know my ears. No, I wasn't talking about you, I just heard it. I guess you could say through the grapevine. But if it's true, Chief...damn, why didn't you tell me? I didn't even know you were dating, let alone thinking about moving in with him! I thought...I thought I was your best friend, Blair." Ellison stared at the mug in his hand, afraid to see the look on Blair's face. Hearing his heart rate skyrocket when Jim asked the question was bad enough.

Blair stopped his pacing and fell back into his chair. "You...you are, Jim," he choked. "I just didn't know...what you'd think, I guess, or how you'd react."

Jim looked up sharply at the tone in his friend's voice and saw Blair staring into his own glass. "What do you mean, how I'd react?"

"Well, I...okay, I didn't know how you'd feel about having a bisexual guy as a roommate, okay?" Blair seemed determined to look at anything but Jim's face, and his heart was racing.

"You what? Sandburg, when have I ever given you the idea what I was a bigot? When?"

"Toleration is one thing, man, actually living with 'that kind of guy' is generally another, I've found." Blair's voice sounded wooden, resigned.

Jim started an angry retort and cut himself off sharply, listening to Blair's heartbeat and respiration, watching his face and body language. "No, I don't think so, Sandburg. I've never given you any reason to think I was homophobic, and you're not telling me the truth. Damn it, Chief, is it so hard to drop the obfuscations for once in your life and just tell me what is really going on here?!"

Blair looked up then, and locked his gaze with Jim's. "You are my best friend. The best I have ever had. Can you blame me that I didn't want to risk losing that friendship because I've fallen in love with a man?"

Love? Oh no. Blair was...in love...with Phillips. Jim stood up from the table and stalked over to the balcony doors, staring out and trying to gain control of his emotions before he embarrassed both of them. His jaws clenched together and he felt like hitting something, throwing something...too late! his mind shrieked. Too late! Blair, his Blair, his Guide, HIS...and he had lost him before he even knew he wanted him. Jim's head fell forward slowly to rest against the glass.

Jim cleared his throat to try and loosen the tight band of grief that felt about to choke him. "So...so you're leaving? I guess I'm...I'm happy for you, Chief. If Phillips makes you happy." He looked up suddenly and turned to face Sandburg, "Does he? Please tell me he makes you happy."

Jim heard the heartbeat falter and the catch in Blair's breath as his friend dropped his head to stare at the table in front of him. His friend's hair fell in front of his face, obscuring the view so that Jim could not look him in the eye. There was a wrenching sensation in his heart, and the sentinel knew that something was wrong, very wrong.

Jim returned to Blair's side, then, sitting down next to him, gently placed a hand on his friend's chin and guided his face up to look at him. The sadness in his partner's blue eyes caught in his throat. "Blair? What-"

Blair shook his head suddenly. "I said I'd fallen in love with a man, Jim. I didn't say it was David. David and I...we were a long time ago. We're just friends now."

"Then why? Why are you leaving here to move in with him? I don't understand." Why are you leaving me, Chief? Won't you tell me?

Blair's breath started coming in gasps and he pulled away from Jim frantically, heading for his room. "I can't do this. I can't do this. I'm gonna pack, man. We'll talk later, okay?"

Jim's mind spun as he found himself suddenly alone, listening to Blair's panicked heart rate and breathing behind his closed door, wondering what had just happened here. If Sandburg and Phillips weren't together, then why? Why was he losing his Guide? Blair admitted he was in love with someone, a man, but not the one he was moving in with, so who? Why would falling in love make him move out--a small glimmer of hope flamed in Jim's heart as he stared at the closed doors in front of him. Could it be? He walked up to the barrier slowly and placed his palm against the surface for just a moment. He took a deep breath, let it out, and took another, before he gathered the courage to tap lightly. The slight spiking of the precious heartbeat inside made him even more nervous but he pressed on.

"Chief, can I come in for a moment? Please?" Jim closed his eyes and held his breath while he waited for the answer.

A small sigh from the other side of the door, then, "Yeah."

He turned the knob and entered slowly. "I just...I needed to ask you just one more thing." Jim almost lost his resolve when he saw the exasperated look Blair sent him. He looked around him for a moment instead of at his Guide, a lump forming in his throat as he took in the condition of the room. Clothes had been haphazardly pulled out and lay scattered across Blair's bed. Two boxes had been dug out of the closet and sat in the middle of the room, ready to be filled. The sense of loss rose in Jim's chest and gave him the strength to go on.

He stepped closer to Blair and asked quietly, "I wanted to know...if it was me you meant. When you said you'd fallen in love."

Blair paled and looked into Jim's eyes, panic and worry in his gaze, "Jim, I'm sorry...I know you didn't want to hear that. I...I'm not going to bug you about it, I swear I won't, I don't want to lose your friendship. Please, I just can't do this anymore. I can't live here, I can't see you every morning, think of you in the room just above me at night-"

Jim placed his fingertips lightly on Blair's mouth and the worried babble stopped abruptly. "Chief. Blair. Please don't go."

The confusion was clear in the blue eyes staring up at him as Jim's hand slid from Blair's mouth around to the back of his neck. Jim's other hand came up and buried itself in the damp curls as he slowly leaned over, giving his partner plenty of time to pull away if he wanted to. Blair nervously licked his lips and Jim groaned lightly as he descended the last few inches to touch their lips together. He'd intended only a light caress, but at the first touch the lips beneath his opened and the taste of Blair exploded through him. He groaned again more deeply and pulled Blair to him tightly.

For just a moment, everything was right, everything was perfect, then Blair's hands were pushing on his chest and he was pulling away. His face was flushed, his lips slightly swollen, and his eyes glittered dangerously.

"What the hell was that, Jim?!" Blair burst out.

Jim wondered fleetingly if he looked even fractionally as confused as he felt. His partner looked furious for just a moment, then eased into a touch of sadness as he continued.

"Is this about the Sentinel stuff? Because I swear to you I am not backing out of this partnership. You need me, and I know that. But this," Blair's eyes started flashing again, "this is damned insulting, Jim, that you think you have to fuck me to keep me from running out on you!"

Ellison reared back as if he'd been slapped, "What?! Sandburg, I wasn't-"

"Then what the hell was it, Jim? Because I know you didn't just get interested in guys overnight! So what was it, Ellison, if it wasn't desperation, or maybe pity? Why did you kiss me, man?"

Confusion and frustration twisted in the big man's gut and he yelled back, "Because I love you, Blair!" He took a deep breath and ran one hand through his hair, then sighed, "It wasn't overnight. It's been a long time coming. And I'm not 'interested in guys,' as you put it, just one. Just you." Jim's hand came up to caress Blair's cheek and their gazes locked. "Chief. Blair. Please don't go."

The quietly repeated words hung between them for just a moment before Jim found his arms full and Blair was kissing him, and he hadn't thought anything could be better than that first kiss, but it was, it was. Jim felt hands rubbing his back and his own were searching, caressing, stroking his partner's hair as they kissed. This was another joining, as their spirits had merged, so now their breath. As they pulled apart, Jim felt as if his heart were being torn out of him at the separation. Blue eyes locked together as he repeated, "I love you."

Blair's smile was radiant as he touched Jim's face. "I love you, too. I never thought I'd be able to tell you that."

"Don't go."

Sandburg shook his head. "I'm here. For as long as you want me."

Jim crushed the smaller man to his chest and mumbled into his hair, "That could be a very, very long time, Chief."

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