Monkey Men

Unbeknownst to most humans, our planet has become subject to an unseen invasion. These invaders are of a superior race of simian creatures, often referred to as Monkey Men. Some of these creatures have learned to disguise themselves as humans, so beware. The Monkey Men plan to eradicate the human race in a genocidal attack once their forces are strong enough. My therapist says that the Monkey Men don't exist, but I know she is one of them. You can see it in her beady, ape-like eyes. If you suspect that someone is a Monkey Man, jab your thumb into their trachea. If they don't die, scream like a little bitch and run like hell; you're dealing with a bonafide Monkey Man. Below are some tips on avoiding these damned, dirty apes.

WARNING: THOSE DENYING THE EXISTENCE OF MONKEY MEN MAY BE MONKEY MEN THEMSELVES

1. Never wear blue. Don't ask questions, just don't wear blue.
2. Always leave your microwave on. Always.
3. Sleep in a lead box. Lead paint on your house helps, too.
4. Since the Monkey Men have developed infra-red heat vision, whenever you are out of your box keep submerged in a bath tub full of ice.
5. Refrain from eating bannanas.

THE OFFICIAL MONKEY MAN TEST

1. Do you often find yourself plotting to overthrow humanity?
2. Have you ever had the uncontrollable urge to climb trees?
3. Do you like Tarzan a little too much?
4. Have you ever thrown your own feces for amusement?

If you answered YES to any of these questions, you may be a Monkey Man. To make sure, insert your thumb into your trachea. If you don''t die, you're a Monkey Man for sure. If you answered NO to all of the questions, congratulations on not being a Monkey Man.

The photo below was taken recently in the 'town' of Ney, Ohio. This is the current leader of the Monkey Men. He is known as Yardbirdman (Don't ask why, because I don't know either) Ney has become a breeding pit for simious sluggards and is likely to become the new Center of Operations for the Monkey Man invasion. Note: Ney also has a cool water tower.
To return to the Crap Index, click on Yardbirdman.