You weren’t always like this. There was a time when I could find myself in your arms, recognize myself in your eyes--a time when no matter how far apart we were, nothing could truly separate us. A time when I had the reality of you, instead of just the dreams. And a time when the dreams were sweet, and I never woke up crying . . .

They tell me I must let go of you. The Dark Side is strong, Obi-Wan says. Strong and seductive. Like you. Is that what led you to it? Seeing yourself, the reflection of your power and the ease with which you acquired it? Obi-Wan was always afraid of how quickly you learned, but it was never enough. Nothing could be enough for you.

I don’t love you. I loved Anakin, and you took him from me. You stole my love--stole my life and the father of my children. I will fight you for him, take him back from you. I know I can bring him back. I can offer him love. I can offer him a family--his family and his children. Can you offer him that?

I have the memory of you, at least. I can close my eyes and see the man you were. The man who I fell in love with--the man who I’m still in love with. I have that much of you, but what will our children have?

Shadow-Lover, soothe me when I mourn
Mourn for all who left me here alone,
When my grief is too much to be borne,
When my burdens crushing-great have grown,
Shadow-Lover, I cannot forget-
Help me bear the burdens I have yet.
-“Shadow-Lover”
-Mercedes Lackey
-Shadow Stalker

I didn’t want you to leave. It started off so innocently, I never knew where it would lead me. It was so deceptive, just one step at a time--a tiny little step. But one step lead to another, and before I knew it I couldn’t turn back. It hurt at first, but the pain dulled in the power. Do you know about power, love? Of course you know it, but I don’t think you understand it. Don’t understand the intoxication that it brings. Don’t understand how it can become your life.

The only part that hurts now is the loneliness. I dream about you, dream that you have changed your mind and followed me--but I always wake up to find that I am alone. I know in my heart that you will never change your decision, but I can still hope. Can still use what little innocence is left to believe that you will come to me, share my grief. That you will understand why I did it.

It’s not even close to being over. Maybe I could still turn back now, but I don’t want to. You have to understand that I’m doing it for you. I wanted to learn fast enough to help you. Obi-Wan didn’t want me to learn. He has been jealous of me since that moment, so many years ago, when Qui-Gon believed in me and stood for me. He wanted to hold me back, and I wanted to forge ahead. There was so much to learn . . .

. . . and so much to lose.

Shadow-Lover, comfort me in pain.
Love, although I never see your face
All who'd have me fear you speak in vain-
Never would I shrink from your embrace
Never could another understand.
-“Shadow-Lover”
-Mercedes Lackey
-Shadow Stalker

I don’t dare see you. I know that it would be so easy for you to win me back over--a brush of your finger against my face, your arms around me and your mind inside mine. Oh, I’d reject you--but I can’t convince myself that I would be able to say no if you tried to take me with you.

Obi-Wan says that the Dark Side has changed you. That you aren’t the same person who left us--that you are to be feared. How could I ever fear the man who taught me love? How could I ever fear you? “You’re wrong,” I’ve told him, I say it over and over. He just looks at me with those eyes, those horribly sad eyes, and tells me, “I wish I were.”

I thought he understood. Of all people, Obi-Wan knew what it did to me when you left, he felt the same way. I thought that he would be the one who could comfort me, but he doesn’t truly understand. You were his Apprentice, his son--but you were my world.

“Shadow-Lover, fro the Shadows made,
Lead me into Shadows once again.
Where you lead I cannot be afraid,
For with you I shall come home again-
In your arms I shall not fear the night.
Shadow-Lover, lead me into light.”
-“Shadow-Lover”
-Mercedes Lackey
-Shadow Stalker

I think you could save me, if I dared let you. You have my heart, what’s left of it--maybe there is enough left so that you could bring me away from the Dark. Show me the Light again. If I could just go to you, lay my head in your lap . . . you would make everything right. You always did.

But I don’t dare. I’m afraid of the feelings that posses me now--afraid that I’ll try to posses you. Afraid that I’ll hurt you. I can’t always control it--I feel like control is slipping out of my grasp. Power is in control now--and power is a harsh mistress. An addictive mistress. Once you’ve tasted her, you can’t relinquish her joys easily.

Do you think about me sometimes? Do you remember the times we had, the good times? The times where nothing could keep us unhappy as long as we had each other--the times where I could find my home in your arms, my love in your heart, my strength in your mind.

Or do you just see what everyone else sees? Lord of the Dark. Evil to the core. I know that Obi-Wan thinks there is nothing left of me worth saving--and perhaps there isn’t. But couldn’t you try? Couldn’t someone try . . .

But I don’t dare ask. I’m too afraid you’ll say no.

Back to the Archeive!