Title- The SP-Files
Author- Marianne Dubitsky (Agent Dubie)
Feedback- That would be lovely!– dubie910@hotmail.com
Rating- PG 13- language (think of South Park ok)
Category- Crossover (It’s supposed to be humorous, I guess.)
Spoilers- Bad Blood
Keywords- XF/South Park Crossover
Summary- Mulder and Scully are led to the town of South Park Colorado
where they meet some interesting kids and chase a familiar pizza
delivery boy.
Archive- If you really feel like it, knock yourself out.
Disclaimer- (deep breath) Ok, Mulder, Scully, the characters from Bad
Blood, and Frohike and Byers (although they were only mentioned once)
are the property of the all knowing and powerful, slightly psychotic and
totally over possessive (this is where we kneel down and kiss his feet)
Chris Carter and his cute little production company Ten Thirteen (gee
real original name don’t you think?). Oh yeah, those jerks over at Fox
have some kind of property rights or something, whatever. Anyways, in
short, they are not mine (although I’d like DD to be, but that’s another
story), don’t sue me, I’m in college so you won’t get a thing (you can
have my mini fridge if you really want it though). Thanks. Oh yeah,
Kyle, Stan, Kenny, and Cartman are owned by those South Park studs Trey
Parker and Matt Stone as well as by Comedy Central, which is a much less
anal network than Fox. Ok, I’m done.
Notes- If you don’t watch South Park (or haven’t at least heard of it),
this is going to seem extremely juvenile and really stupid. If you
haven’t seen Bad Blood (or haven’t read a plot summary) it probably
won’t make any sense. Pretty high expectations don’t you think? Oh,
well, read it anyway.
On with the show (did I mention that you should be afraid... VERY
AFRAID???? (Good, just checking!))
*****************
The SP-Files
By Marianne (Agent Dubie)
*****************
"Good Morning sunshine," Agent Mulder said with an
entirely-too-large-for-this-early-in-the-morning smile on his face.
Agent Scully responded with an inquisitive look and asked, "Why are
you so happy all of a sudden?"
"I have just come across the biggest X-File of them all. An entire
town where abnormal occurrences are about as common as traffic jams in
New York City. We're talking aliens, zombies, and strange people. They
even have this guy there that claims to be Jesus and has his own local
cable show. This is the Holy Land," Mulder explained over dramatically,
while Scully stood in mock amazement with her arms folded.
"Were we up late last night watching TV again Mulder?" asked
skeptically with an eyebrow raised.
"I'm serious Scully. Frohike and Byers found some news articles
about the town when they were researching UFO sightings in the Colorado
region. I'm telling you, this is the real thing," Mulder continued.
Handing over a few computer printouts.
"Well, gee Mulder, if Frohike and Byers found them, they must be
authentic," Scully replied sarcastically. She quickly scanned the
articles. Mulder was right. The articles spoke of aliens, zombies, and
other strange occurrences.
"So what do you think?" Mulder inquired as he leaned back in his
chair.
"Where exactly is this 'Holy Land'?" Scully asked, avoiding
Mulder's questioning gaze.
"South Park, Colorado. Don't forget to bring your snow boots,"
Mulder said with a smirk as he tossed an airplane ticket on the desk in
front of her.
*****************
"Turn up the heater Mulder," Scully said as she tried desperately
to wrap her coat more tightly around her.
"I would, but that's as high as it goes. Come on Scully, it's just
a little snow," Mulder teased as he drove through the arctic-like
Colorado surroundings.
"Just a little snow? Just a little snow? The only thing I've seen
for the past half an hour is snow. There's nothing but snow," she
retaliated.
"Are we complaining?" he asked simply.
"Yes I'm complaining. I absolutely detest snow," she answered
through chattering teeth.
"That's what happens when you grow up in sunny San Diego," Mulder
shot back, letting his eyes drift from the road to his partner. Scully
was too cold to put up much more of a fight, but she shot him her
patented "Shut up Mulder" look anyway.
He stifled a laugh and replied, "Calm down, we're almost there."
"Woo hoo," Scully mumbled under her breath, secretly hoping Mulder
would hear her. He did, but said nothing. Scully's lack of enthusiasm
was nothing new to him. In fact, he almost expected it.
******************
"Okay, Mulder, now that we're here, where do we start?" Scully
asked, still feeling frozen as they passed the less than inviting
"Welcome to South Park" sign on the outskirts of the town.
"At the beginning," Mulder replied flippantly.
"And with whom does the 'beginning' begin?" Scully asked with
equally as much sarcasm.
"Four third graders and an anal probe," he stated with an
expressionless face.
"Third graders! We're here to talk to third graders? I don't
believe this," she said incredulously as she raised her hands in the air
dramatically.
"I thought you liked kids Scully," Mulder responded to her
disbelief. A playful twinkle of excitement could be detected in his
shining green eyes.
"That is entirely beside the point. Third graders Mulder. Did you
know that eight year olds are the most likely to exaggerate the facts?
Seriously. We're here to talk to third graders?" Scully retorted as she
raised an eyebrow and folded her arms to provide more warmth.
"Don't give me that look Scully. These kids were witness to every
abnormal occurrence in the articles. They are bound to be the best
source of information," he stated, defending his case. He parked the car
at the local elementary school and zipped up his jacket.
"Anal probe huh?" Scully asked as she too prepared for the intense
weather that was waiting to greet the two outside.
"Yup," he replied with a nod and a wink. He pulled the handle and
opened the door. The blast of cold air hit him like only a Midwest
winter could.
"Anal probe. I'll give you anal probe," Scully muttered with a
humph, as she too opened the door to the sub-zero temperature. She hated
the cold weather with a passion. March was never like this in California
and it was certainly never this cold in Washington.
*******************
"Okay now class, settle down. Mr. Head is going to talk to us about
the wonderful world of the deep blue sea," Mr. Garrison announced as his
third grade class came in from recess.
"That's right class. Today we learn about the creatures of the
ocean. Does anybody know the name of the two oceans that border the
United States?" asked Mr. Head, which was actually a puppet on the hand
of Mr. Garrison.
"Aren't they the Alabama and the Pennsylvania oceans?" a pudgy kid
with cookie crumbs on his face asked.
"No way fat ass. Alabama and Pennsylvania are states," another kid
informed him.
"Yeah Cartman. The Pacific and Atlantic Oceans border the United
States, stupid," another kid chimed in.
"Goddamn it. Shut up you guys. For the last time, I'm not fat, I'm
just big boned," Cartman retaliated.
"Yeah right fat ass. You're just big boned and your mom's not a
crack whore," the original assailant yelled back.
"Damn it, I don't have to take this," Cartman replied. The fight
was cut short by the loudspeaker.
"Would Eric come to the Principal's office please?" a voice asked.
"Ha ha, fat ass. Did you eat all of the cookies in the cafeteria
again?" another third grader taunted.
"Shut up you son of a bitch. I'm gonna..." Cartman began.
The loudspeaker cut him off again. "Would Stan..."
"What?" Stan asked.
"Kyle..."
"Huh?" Kyle said as he turned to look at Stan.
"And Kenny..."
"Mhhhhhm," Kenny mumbled as he turned to face the other two.
"Please come to the office as well?" the voice finished.
"Dude, I wonder what this is about," Kyle said.
"I bet it's Cartman's fault. Damn it fat ass, what did you do now?"
Stan asked addressing Cartman.
He was too busy chanting answer, "You guys are in trouble, you guys
are in trouble, you guys are in trouble."
"Hey, I thought you had to go too," Kyle replied to the chanting.
"Huh, oh yeah. Damn it, this sucks!" Cartman stated as the four
walked out the classroom door.
********************
"In here guys," Mulder directed as the four entered the school's
office. All four were dressed in heavy jackets and other cold weather
apparel. One wore his hood so tightly around his head that all you could
see was his eyes.
"Who the hell are you?" one of the boys asked.
"I'm Agent Mulder and this is my partner Agent Scully. We're with
the FBI," Mulder informed them.
"No way, dude. They wouldn't let a dork like you into the FBI,"
another said.
Mulder turned and looked at Scully, who offered only a raised
eyebrow and an I-told-you-so look. "Oh, no? Then this must be fake," he
replied as he took out his badge.
"Dude, your name is Fox? That's worse than the name Eric," the
first kid taunted, laughing at his own joke. The entire group soon
joined him. Mulder turned to Scully again for support, but she was
trying desperately to hold in her own laughter.
"Hey, wait a minute. Goddamn it you asshole son of a..." the fat
kid yelled.
"Shut up Cartman, Stan was just joking. Dude, you take everything
way too seriously," the second speaker said, calming the laughter.
"Shut up Kyle" Cartman said, but he didn't retaliate at the
comment. Instead, he just glared at Stan.
"We'd just like to ask you guys a few questions, okay?" Scully told
the group.
"About what?" Kyle asked.
"Well, we'd like to talk to you about the events your town has
experienced over the past year. Can you tell us about your experience?"
Mulder explained.
"Experience? What the hell's an experience?" Stan asked.
"Dude, he wants to know about the aliens," Kyle informed him.
"Oh, yeah. They took Kyle's brother Ike and stuck an anal probe in
Cartman's ass," Stan replied.
"I did not have an anal probe!" Cartman interrupted.
"Yeah you did fat ass. Remember, you farted and that satellite
thing came out of your ass," Stan stated triumphantly.
"They took your brother Ike, Kyle?" Mulder asked, trying to
redirect the out of control conversation.
"Yeah, but they gave him back after that thing came out of
Cartman's ass," Kyle informed him.
"Was he hurt in anyway?" Scully inquired.
"No, he was just fine. They didn't want him, they wanted some cows
and the thing in Cartman's ass," Kyle replied.
"Kyle, I swear to God! I didn't not have an alien thing in my ass!"
Cartman screamed.
"Dude, then why the hell was there fire coming out of your ass?"
Stan asked.
"My mom says I had explosive gas from eating too many cheesy
poofs," Cartman replied confidently.
"Mhhm, hmmmh mhmhmh shmhh," the otherwise silent boy with the hood
said.
"You're right Kenny," Kyle stated.
"Damn it Kenny, you poor ass load of crap. Say that again and I'll
kick you in the nads!" Cartman retaliated.
"What did he just say?" Scully asked.
"Didn't you hear him?" Stan asked and both Mulder and Scully shook
their heads. "He said Cartman was full of shit."
"I am not. I did not have an anal probe!" Cartman yelled, still
trying to defend himself.
"Anyway, is there anything else you can tell us about these
aliens?" Mulder asked.
"Nope, I think that's about it," Kyle replied.
"What about other strange occurrences in the area?" Mulder tried
again.
"Well, there was the time Mr. Garrison shot Kathy Lee Gifford, but
she was actually an alien. So I guess he shot an alien," Stan said.
"And then there was the time that those zombies ran around town
killing people, but they thought it was actually pink eye, but it wasn't
and we had to kill them by cutting off their heads with chain saws,"
Kyle added.
"Remember that this I made up this thing called Scuzzlebutt and we
were hunting it and there turned out that there really was a
Scuzzlebutt. It was really big and hairy and had that one TV dude for a
leg. And your uncle Jimbo and Ned were gonna shoot it, but the volcano
erupted and they built that ditch, but we were on the wrong side, but
Scuzzlebutt wove that big basket and saved us," Cartman interjected.
"Ammh memmher dhamf hmmmh mmmhhmmh hmmmmhmhhmm mmhhhnh hhmm hhmm
mmhhm," Kenny added.
"Oh, yeah, but that's not the way it happened," Kyle replied.
"What?" Mulder and Scully asked in unison.
"What about what?" Stan asked.
"First of all, what did he just say?" Mulder asked.
"He said that he remembered the time the grim reaper death dude
came and was chasing after us. That's the time my Grandpa wanted to die,
but the grim reaper dude wanted one of us. Then he killed somebody and
disappeared," Stan answered.
"What the hell is a 'Scuzzlebutt'?" Scully inquired.
"Dude, Scuzzlebutt was this big hairy monster thing that has some
TV dude for a leg and wove baskets. He lives up the mountain by Barbara
Streisand's big mansion," Kyle said calmly.
"Hey, do you remember the time Cartman found that triangle thing
and didn't want it and I took it, then he wanted it back and I gave it
to him? Then Barbara Streisand kidnapped us and made Cartman give it up.
Then she went nuts and put the two triangles together and became that
super bitch monster thing. Dude, then Robert Smith came and turned into
a butterfly and killed her. That was cool!" Stan replied.
"Robert Smith of the Cure saved you from Barbara Streisand?" Mulder
asked.
"Yeah, he's my hero," Kyle answered.
"Is there anything else? Any other strange occurrences? Anything
out of the ordinary? Any new people in town that you've never seen
before? Anything at all?" Mulder inquired.
"You're really into this stuff aren't you?" Kyle asked.
Scully nodded and said, "You have no idea."
"Dude, what about that weird guy who lives in the trailer park?"
Stan addressed Kyle.
"Oh yeah, I forgot about him," Kyle replied.
"Is there something odd about this man?" Mulder inquired.
"Yeah dude, he's really weird. He's always untying people's
shoe's," Stan answered.
"Does he work in town?" Scully asked.
"Yeah, he's the pizza delivery guy," Kyle responded.
"Pizza, did somebody say pizza?" Cartman perked up.
"Shut up fat ass," Stan yelled.
"Anything else you can tell us about this man?" Mulder asked,
fishing for any additional information he could pick up.
"I think he just graduated from high school. You know, he reminds
me of fat ass over there. He's always driving by the creepy cemetery
too," Kyle informed them.
"Thank you very much. This information will be helpful. You can go
back to class now," Scully stated. Mulder glared at Scully as the boys
bickered their way out of the room. She noticed his fiery eyes and
innocently asked, "What?"
"I wasn't finished," he replied, still glaring at her.
"Oh come on Mulder. We were done. You honestly didn't believe them,
did you. That's a stretch even for you. Seriously now Mulder. Remember,
they are eight year olds," Scully retaliated with her eyebrow
characteristically raised.
"Listen Scully, a few of their stories may have been a little far
fetched," Mulder began.
Scully immediately cut him off, "A little far fetched? A little far
fetched? One word Mulder: Scuzzlebutt. Far fetched does not even begin
to cover it!"
"What about their claim of an odd individual who just moved into
town?" Mulder asked standing up.
He was trying to intimidate her with his overpowering frame. She
did not back down. She never did. "You practically force fed them the
idea. Eight year olds Mulder. Eight years olds will always make
something out of nothing if you lead them directly to it."
"I don't think so. I think this 'strange' pizza guy is worth
checking out," Mulder stated convincingly.
"What the hell are we even doing here?" Scully asked simply. He
hadn't answered that question. He had avoided it the entire way from
Washington. She wondered if there was something he was withholding.
He just avoided the question again, "I think we should find a
motel."
"Damn it Mulder. Why are we here? I want to know. You need to tell
me. I'm going to ask again and this time I better get the answer. Why
are we here?" Scully demanded.
"Feisty! Go G-woman," Mulder replied, effectively avoiding the
question for a few seconds longer. He didn't want to tell her because he
knew how she would react. She would not be pleased. He stole a glimpse
of her infuriated blue eyes. She was already not pleased.
"Mulder," she said sternly. He didn't like it when she said his
name that way. It reminded him of the way his mother used to say his
whole name when he was in trouble.
He bent to the pressure, "Okay, okay. Here goes. Dead cows,
nocternal exanguinations, two little puncture wounds, the trailer park,
weird pizza guy, untied shoe laces, the cemetery. Put them together and
what does that spell?"
"Ugh, Mulder. You dragged me all the way out here for cows again? I
don't believe this. Are you suggesting that the vampire kid from Chaney,
Texas moved to South Park, Colorado, is delivering pizza and sucking the
blood of South Park cows?" she asked, clearly agitated by the thought.
Although seeing Sheriff Hartwell again wouldn't be all that bad. She
shuddered at the thought. She couldn't believe that she had possibly had
a thing for him. What was she thinking? It had irritated Mulder though.
And he had deserved it. Scully still hadn't forgotten about the Dr.
Bambi incident from a few years back and had finally instituted a proper
revenge.
"Why is that not plausible? They had to go somewhere right? They
could not have just disappeared of the face of the earth. Why not go to
a place that is different from Texas? Colorado is extremely different
from Texas," he stated, trying to offer an explanation for his yet
again, far-fetched theory.
"Ugh, why?" Scully responded by throwing her hands in the air. He
said nothing as she sighed and leaned against the table in defeat.
"Where is this trailer park?"
*********************
(END 1/2)
