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Welcome to Code Name D's Fan Fiction Underdround

"Pssst.  Code Name D here.  So, I see that you are after some bootleg Ranma 1/2 stories.  Why else would you be here, eh?  But we in the underground prefer to call them fan fics," he said.  But his train of thought is abruptly cut off as he turns his attention to check inside a dumpster.  Only then does he returns his attention back to you.

"But it wasn't easy.  You see the great and mighty mistress Rumiko Takahashi; she owns Ranma and all his friends.  It's copyrighted you know."

The sinister looking visage stops once more to check inside a broken window to an abandoned warehouse.

"To get more stories, I, Code Name D, your trustworthy spy, had to smuggle Ranma, Akane and a few of their friends here to the good old US of A.  But I found out too late that it's really a ruse.  Someone... or... something... wants to use the Saotome School of Anything goes Martial Arts to trigger Armageddon."

He then looks up and down both sides of an empty street, and then looks behind an old billboard.

"I don't think they can stop them on their own.  But luckily, some of our boys, and girls, and... some that are both boys and girls, are there to lend a hand.  Namely, the brave boys and girls, and some that are both boys and girls, of the Clearwater School of Any Thing Goes Indian Fighting."

Finally, he approaches you, and hands you a manila envelope.  It says, "Ranma 1/2: Curse of the Ghost Dance."

"Shhhh!  Don't read it here.  She'll know.  Rumiko's spies are everywhere."

The figure bends down and looks under a small rock.  A rather friendly looking Japanese copyright agent looks up at him.

"Moshi moshi!" he says with a smile.

The figure drops the rock back down, and smoothly recoils in horror.  But he quickly recovers.

"Then again, maybe you should just buy some of her stuff. Nothing like a few yen in the pocket, to dull the yen for revenge, if you know what I mean.  He he he.  Enjoy."
 

Code Name D's Fan Fiction Underground presents:

Ranma 1/2 The Curse of the Ghost Dance

Act I: The Invitation

By Code Name D Edited by Deric Wilson Version III

"Please, come this way, Mr. Chairman," Genma Saotome said, leading their important guest into the main room.

"Make yourself at home, sir," Soun Tendo said with a wide a smile as his face could accommodate, "As you can see, we have prepared for you a meal fit for a king.  One worthy of your presence."

Genma and Soun both stood to one side to allow a short, but smartly dressed individual into the Tea Room.  He wore a western style suit with a red power tie, but his posture and demeanor practically dripped with money and power.

The Chairman stepped confidently into the Tea Room, and then saw the feast that was prepared for him.

"Ohhh, so I see," the chairmen said, gleefully eyeing the table, "A home cooked meal is so hard to find for a business person like myself.  But tell me, how did you manage this, Mr. Tendo?"  The chairman lowered himself down, and sat on the floor at the head of the table, chopsticks already in hand.

"Courtesy of one of my daughters," Soun said, sitting down as well.  Genma, still beaming with a smile of his own, moved to the far side of the table, and lowered himself into his pillow.

"Would you like to meet them?" Soun offered.

Soun's question caught the chairman off guard with his mouth full of octopus.  His face was contorted in obvious culinary bliss, and could only nod eagerly, while shoving down his meal.

"Kasumi!  Nabiki!" Soun called out.

The door gently slid open to reveal Kasumi kneeling upon the floor, dressed in her finest formal kimono, and a smile that was nearly as wide as her fathers.  Standing over her, dressed in a smart looking dark blue, western style business suit, and red neck tie, was Nabiki, holding a brown leather document caddy.  She too, also wore a genuine smile.

Nabiki stepped inside.  Kasumi stood up as well, but only long enough to move to the other side of the door, then to slide it closed.  She then repositioned herself to face the Chairman.  So did Nabiki, who was still standing.

"Welcome to our house!" both said in musical unison as they each gave a deep respectful bow in greeting.

"My goodness!" the chairman said in delight, "You certainly have two beautiful daughters Mr. Tendo."

"Why thank you.  Kasumi, my oldest, is the chef whom you were complimenting earlier," Soun said.

"I'm happy that you like your meal, Mr. Chairman, "Kasumi said, "If there is any thing else I can get for you, please, do not hesitate to ask."

"And my middle doughtier is Nabiki.  She is the financial brain of our dojo, and is as masterful with numbers and accounts as Kasumi is in the kitchen."

"Pleased to make your acquaintance," Nabiki said, bowing again, "I look forward to presenting my dissertation to you.  I think that the potential for our training hall will be humble, but promising."

The chairman nodded eagerly.

"Yes, I was most impressed with your presentation thus far.  Most of my would be clients focus on the earning potential, but then throw other peoples yen around like water.  But this training hall, I can see the passion, the dedication."

"You can!" Soun said joyfully.  His hands were clasped in front of him like a kid out of school, and his eyes bright and laughing, with just a hint of a tear in the corner.

"Of course I can," the chairman said excitedly, "Even a blind beggar can see the blood, sweat, and tears that have been poured into this dojo.  The spirit within these walls may be young, but I can feel the courage and vitality glowing from the very wood itself.  Such heart and dedication demands that I put all of my financial muscle into this operation.  I would be honored to represent this dojo and the Saotome School of Any Thing Goes Marshal Arts!"

"You would!" Genma said.  His eyes were teary as well, with joy that he could hardly contain.  "Oh Mr. Chairman!" Genma cried, breaking into open sobs of joy, tears pouring out from his eyes, "I'm so happy!"

"You don't know how honored we are, sir!" Soun said, no longer able to control his emotions either, and the two fell into each other's arms, weeping uncontrollably with joy, and shedding a virtual river of tears.  Even Nabiki looked on with a wide smile on her face, although a bit more dignified, as she knelt down next to the table, her document caddy in hand.

"It is I, who am honored.  To be a part of the founding of a discipline that will stand for all time."  With that, the Chairman stood up, and struck a dramatic pose as the Japanese flag waved behind him in the breeze, and Japan's national anthem blaring proudly in the background him as he continued, "Perhaps the very first such discipline to rise with Japan as a new fledgling democracy.  This school shall serve the ideals of freedom and justice.  One that is keeping to the time of today.  With the world an unstable place, this school will be our first and finest line of defense to guard and protect the Japanese way of life, and the Japanese Dream."

The Chairman's speech only amplified the tears of joy that were being shed by Genma and Soun and even widened the smiles of Kasumi and Nabiki.

Then, without further fanfare, the Chairman sat down, and continued his meal.

"But there is just one matter that we need to discuss," the chairman said, "About this founder, Happousai."

Soun and Genma instantly stopped sobbing and fell deathly silent.  Both far too shocked to register any emotion at all.

Nabiki's smile disappeared as well, and sarcastically, she leaned into the table, resting her chin in her hand in defeat while she looked on.

"Tell me, how did you learn about him?" Nabiki asked, apparently already knowing the answer to her question.

"Well, it's funny that you should ask me that," the Chairman said.  He then fished around in his document caddy and pulled out a wretched scroll that gave off the unmistakable odor of women's panties.  And for good reason, since a pink and filthy undergarment was stapled to the parchment.

"I must say that I found it impossible to read.  So I turned it over to my resident hand writing expert.  He thought it was kind of secret code used for the war, or something.  I must say, I was mortified to find this... dreadful thing, with such a thoughtful presentation.  I hope this person doesn't work for you or....."

"Come back here you freak!  Akane, cut him off at the pond!" shouted an unseen male voice.

"I'm on it Ranma!" a girl said.

"Come get me if you think you can, you little pukes," said yet another unseen voice.  This one clearly belonged to an elderly male.

"With pleasure, you pervert!" the girl said, "Ranma! Look out!  He's going to....."

-WHACK-

-SPLASH-

"... knock you into the fish pond.", she finished.

"Why you!", came yet a another voice, that of a brash woman.

"Ha ha, a sucker for punishment I see."

Suddenly, the courtyard doors to the garden burst from the railings, and a pig tailed, red headed girl, wearing a yellow blouse and red bow tie flew across the room, and collided, face first into the wall, missing Kasumi by only a meter or two.

Then in dashed Happousai, a miniature little monster who landed skillfully on top of the derailed door.  In one hand, he held his pipe, which was a deadly weapon when he wielded it.

Soun and Genma, still in each other's arms, surveyed the destruction, and their masters eyes slowly turned to fall upon then.  They then began to weep open once more, this time, in sorrow.

"Stop you're whining, you two pathetic little turds. Enough of this mambey pambey paper baloney.  Let me show this economic nerd what martial arts are really about! Where is the little loser any way?"

"You're standing on him," the chairman grunted from under the door and Happousai.

Instantly, Happousai leaped from the table and onto the floor, finally allowing the chairman to begin to crawl out from under the door.

"So, you think you can represent my school, eh?  Let's see if you're man enough."

"Not so fast you pervert!" Akane shouted.  She charged in, and landed on top of the door, once again, squashing the chairmen underneath.  She whirled her bokuto around nimbly within both hands in preparation to use it.  Her eyes burned with determination.

"Akane Tendo!  Out of my way, or I'll...."

"Your you'll do what, you little freak!" Akane said, "Hit me like you hit Ranma?"

"Akane, you forced this upon yourself!", Happousai said, "Now face the wrath of my lighting voyeur attack!"

Suddenly, he was in a blur of motion, literally zipping around the room so fast that he seemed to bounce off the walls.  Then, he landed in exactly the same spot where he leaped from.  On this time, his hands were not empty, but held Akane's gi.

Akane still stood on top of the door, her bokuto held before her just as she held it moments ago.  Her stand had not changed at all.  The only difference was that she was now completely nude.

It took her a few seconds to connect the garments in Happousai's hands with the sudden chill.  But this only made her mad.

"Hey!  Give that back!", she ordered.

"No, no, I don't wan'na!  Na na na!", Happousai taunted.

"Ahhhh!" the Chairman suddenly shouted as he burst out from under the door, and throwing Akane to the floor in the process.  He was so panic stricken, that he proceeded to sprint about the room in a great circle, as if he was looking for the exit ramp, screaming and waving his arms as he went.

"Ah yes, my true opponent!", Happousai said, tracing his target with his eyes to where ever he fled.

"Master!  NO!!", Genma and Soun cried out.

"Don't distract me boys, not when I'm so close to.... –WHAM-  Ahhhhhh....."

Suddenly, in a mindless panic, the Chairman ran directly into Happousai, and sent him flying straight towards the stratosphere.  Then, apparently having given up on finding the exit ramp, the chairman decided to make one himself, and plowed straight through the paper thin walls. (And even the thicker walls as well.)

Then, the room was silent.

Genma and Soun were still holding each other, too shocked for words, or expressions.

Ranma-chan had finally managed to free herself from the wall, only to find that a section of it was still stuck around her neck as she dizzily stumbled about in a confused daze.

"Oh my," Kasumi said, having not moved from the spot where she sat, still kneeling next to the ruins of the door though which the chairman had fled.  It was at that moment that a piece of wall decided to fall to the floor.

Akane had more important concerns to consider, like her modesty, and she had already snatched two pillow cases and was tying them off for a makeshift outfit.

Nabiki was the most reserved of all.  She still looked on at the spot where the chairman had once sat.  Her head was still resting in her hand, as if nothing else had happened.

Then, Happousai returned from his low orbit.  Never the less, he was still chipper, and landed with a bounce in his step.

"That was a close one," Happousai said, "Boy, imagine my shame if a real weenie like that were to represent my school."

"Hey!", Akane snapped, just as a still wobbly Ranma-chan weaved in front of her. "That's the third one you've scared away this month!", she shouted.

"I know, and this one was close too," Happousai said.  He then turned his attention back to his "students."  "You two are going to thank me, aren't you?!"

Soun and Genma exchanged glances, then they both began scraping the floor.

"Thank you master!" they both said in unison.

"My my, ", Nabiki said, her head still resting in her palm, "That went over pretty well didn't it."  Suddenly, Nabiki casual expression was finally broken as Ranma-chan fell over onto the table, and splattering a piece of squid into her face.

Once again, Ranma Saotome (after a quick dousing of hot water to turn himself back into a boy) and Akane Tendo (now warring something a little more modest than a pair of pillow cases) found themselves kneeling on the floor of the dojo, with their father's kneeling opposite them.  It was a rare occasion that found Akane and Ranma in this position, and it usually involved the fate of the dojo.

Even before they were born, Ranma and Akane's destiny had been linked together by their fathers intentions to preserve the dojo.  With Ranma the heir to the school, and Akane, to be the heir of the dojo, it seemed perfectly logical to see the two in an arranged marriage. Unfortunately, the matters of love rarely followed the terms of logic, and it was not necessarily an easy destiny for the two young kids to accept.  Ranma's "condition," only made matters more complicated.

The one sure thing that Akane and Ranma did have in common, however, was the fate of the dojo.  So the shame in their failure was genuine, and the level of their bow showed it to their elders, as they glared on.

It was a long, tense, silence, while their shame seemed to pool around them.  Then, their elders finally gave voice to their disappointment in their progeny.

"The both of you failed," Soun said, "You both knew how important Chairman Coatobuki was to our dojo.  He was out best, last, and perhaps only opportunity to finally receive some financial backing for the school.  With no money, we can't open."

"All you had to do, was keep the master occupied long enough to close the deal," Genma said, "So what do you have to say for yourselves?"

"We're sorry," both Ranma and Akane said together, "We apologize for our failure."

Then, silence once again permeated the hall, and the expression on their fathers faces softened.

"Your apology is not accepted," Soun said, "Why don't the two of you retire, while Saotome and I discuss your penance."

Both Akane and Ranma gave another bow, and then rose to their feet.  They then unceremoniously wandered out of the dojo.

Nabiki and Kasumi stood by the entrance of the house that exited to the covered walk that led to the dojo.  They both strained to hear what was being said inside.  Then, there was silence, and a rather sullen Akane and Ranma appeared under the walk, and slowly walked past them, and into the house.

"Poor Ranma and Akane.  I hope father was not too hard on them," Kasumi said, "After all, it wasn't entirely their fault.  And I think they really did want this to work out."

"We all wanted this to work out," Nabiki admitted, "But at least the fire department didn't show up this time.  Come on Kasumi, I'll help you clean up the mess."

Suddenly, the two of them heard a terrible racket outside the front door.

"Hey, howdy!  Is any body in there!  Land sakes, you think that these people would have door bells, or a gong, or something."

Both Kasumi and Nabiki peeked from around the doorway from the kitchen.  Who ever it was that was outside was very loud indeed to be heard from the kitchen.  And they were rude too, constantly pounding on the door and shouting.

"One of Ranma's friends?" Kasumi suggested.

"Sounds like a woman," Nabiki said.  "Possible another one of Ranma's suitors that we don't know about yet," she added with a tone of her usual sarcasm.

The two of them finally moved into the entry foyer, and opened the front door, and found themselves confronted by a most unusual sight.

There were two women standing outside, dressed in cowboy outfits.  One thing was certain, they were definitely not Japanese, explaining the rudeness.

One was dressed in a truly loud and gaudy outfit.  She had on a blue blazer that sparkled in the sunlight from countless rhinestones.  Her pants appeared to be made from leather, with fringes hanging out from the seams, a pair of alligator skin cowboy boots, and a large bleached white, ten gallon cowboy hat.  As if her outfit wasn't outlandish enough, she was also the larger of the two, with a significantly more pronounced muscles than her companion.

Her companion was more conservatively dressed, and had more of a feminine build.  She had on a pair of hiking boots, blue jeans, and a dark blue shirt with a few rhinestones that traced out a few swirl patters.  And her short brown hair was unadorned by any hat.

"Howdy!" the larger woman said with a voice that could bend steel if applied.  But she also wore a smile that looked as if it could swallow a bus.

"Say their ladies, were looking for some kind of training hall.  You perhaps wouldn't know where we can find some martial artist, would you?"

It was then that her smaller companion jabbed an elbow into her ribs.

"Kelley, remember your manners.  Were strangers here," she said.

"Manners!  Little lady, we Texans invented manners," Kelley said, turning to her friend.

The smaller woman cleared her throat, silencing her friend.  Then she smiled at the two Tendo girls.

"Excuse me.  My name is Cindy Darenger.  You will have to forgive my friend here.  We've only been in your country for a short time, and I'm afraid we are less than familiar with your customs.  We're looking for the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts.  I don't suppose you know of them, do you?"

"Why are you looking for them," Nabiki said.  She then folded her arms before her, and looked at the two strangers with suspicion.

"Nabiki?" Kasumi said in protest, "We should be hospitable, even if they are rude."

"Dou!" Kelley said with a flinch.

Kasumi then turned to two strangers, and knelt down onto her knees in traditional greeting.  "You've come to the right place.  Welcome to our home," she said, and then she bowed in greeting, leaving the two loud strangers to blink in confusion.

"What's the mater?  Lose a contact lens or something?", Kelley snapped, and winning another stab in the ribs from her friend.

"Okay, so you found the right place," Nabiki said, still unpleasantly frowning, "Now would you mind telling me why you're here?"

"Why, most certainly," Kelley said, "We've come to invest a couple thousand smackers into your dudu."

"That's 'dojo'!", Cindy snapped.

"Two thousand yen," Nabiki said, "Why bother?"

"Two thousand yen?", Kelley said, "What the hell is a yen? Were talking greenbacks here."

Nabiki's expression suddenly changed.

"Greenbacks?  As in dollars?  As in US Dollars?" Nabiki said.

"Yep.  Got it right here, in my pocket.  All you got to do is ask," Kelley said, patting her buttocks.

Nabiki blinked, with visions of yen signs appearing in her eyes.  She blinked again, with the sound of a cash register ringing in the background, then seeing dollar signs.

"Well," Kasumi said, "I don't think that..."

Nabiki suddenly pushed her more demure sister to one side, and offered the strangers a wide beaming smile.

"Kasumi, why are you just standing there for, let's see our guests in!"

Soun and Genma sat on one side of the table, and watched the two foreigners, Cindy and Kelley, struggling to make themselves comfortable on the floor.  The two of them definitely didn't look impressed.

"So," Soun said, finally growing tired of watching them try to squat on the pillows, "You've come all the way from, where did you say you were from?"

"Dirt Hill, Texas," Kelley announced proudly.

"Texas?", Genma said, "I thought you said you were from the United States?"

Soun then gave Genma a jab in the ribs.

"She did say the US.  Texas is one of their states, stupid," Soun corrected.

"Oh, yeah.  I knew that," Genma said, scratching the back of his head.

"Ahem, ... from Dirt Hill... Texas... to invest some money in our dojo?"

"That's right sugar pie," Kelley said with a wide smile.

"Actually, it's not so much as an investment, as it is a business venture.  A chance to go international," Cindy said, "You see, the two of us run our own training hall. We teach The Clearwater Dude Ranch of Anything Goes Indian Fighting.  We're like you, just struggling to survive."

"No kidding," Kelley said looking around, "And its looking like your even worse off then we are.  You fellas can't even afford chairs."

Cindy cleared her thought.

"The Japanese don't use chairs," she stated for her friend, "Any way, we're struggling, just like you.  Then a few months ago, this really eccentric millionaire by the name of Goldoil came to our ranch, and said he wanted to invest some money in an international chain of regional health spas around the world, and wanted ours to be his US branch.  He then sent us to you, to see if you're willing to sign on to be the Japanese branch.  He offered two thousand dollars, just as an incentive to get you to consider the offer."

"Us, go international?", Genma said, "I don't know Tendo, sounds a little too good to be true."

"Yeah, you ain't just whistlin' Dixie there," Kelley said.

"But I ain't... err... not whistling Dixie at all?", Genma corrected.

"What my friend is trying to say," Cindy said, "Is that we were just as skeptical as you are.  But the money is in cash, and he even prepaid for eight round trip tickets to Texas for you and some of your students, so you can inspect our operation in person, as well as to meet Mr. Goldoil and to review some of our, uh, students."

Cindy then reached into her purse, and pulled out eight, genuine looking plane tickets, and offered them to Soun.

"Us?  Go to America?  Why that's ridiculous!", Genma said.

"Saotome's right.  We don't speak a word of English."

"Hah!", Kelley said, jumping to her feet and placing one foot on the table, "Ain't that just a quwinky-dink.  We can't speak a word of Japanese either!"

"B-b-but that's impossible," Soun said, "If you can't speak Japanese, then how are we talking?"

"It's the work of this really weird shaman we know," Cindy said.  She then reached under her shirt, and pulled out a tear drop shaped piece of turquoise that looked like it was attached to a silver mounting with strange etchings on it.  "This one is hexed for Japanese.  As long as I wear it, you can understand what I'm saying.  The Shaman also gave me eight more that are hexed for English."

Cindy dug into her purse once more, and pulled out eight small boxes, and placed them on the table.

Soun and Genma stared uncertainly at the boxes that were placed on the table.

"I don't Know, Saotome?", Soun said.

"I don't know ether Tendo.  Perhaps we had better think on this for a while.  Why don't you two ladies give us a couple of days to think this over, and we'll get in touch with you."

"Sure thing handsome," Kelley said, "But we ain't going to be here much longer.  We got a steel carpet wait'en to take us back to the states.  Our passports aren't exactly right as rain, if you know what I mean.  But take your time, and give us a call when you decide to come over, that way we can roll out the red carpet for you all."

The two Americans said their good-byes, and then saw themselves out, leaving Soun and Genma to stare at the boxes still sitting on the table.

"What do you think, Saotome?", Soun said, "Could this be a trick of some kind?"

"She did say it was hexed," Genma said, "I can tell you from experience that you don't want hex on you.  And even Cindy and Kelley said they don't really know who this shaman is, and that he's really weird."

"You think this is a trap of some kind then?  How are we going to know for sure?  Saotome, why don't you try it on."

"Me?!  I already have a curse, remember?  Why don't you try it on?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Saotome.  I have no intention of being turned into a panda."

The two of them stared into each other's eyes, trying to get the other to back down.  Then, with an evil grin on both of them, an alternative came to mind.

They then turned towards the exit to call out into the hallway.

"Ho Ranma, Ranma my boy!", Genma said.

"Akane dear, your father would like to see you," Soun said.

Ranma and Akane sat next to each other, staring blankly at the TV, frowning as deeply as it was possible.  On the screen, they saw an absurd looking red head crying in front of a strange looking man who was apparently talking sternly to the woman.

"/Lucy?  What have you done now?/"

"/What makes you think I did any thing, Ricky?/"

"/Lucy?!/"

"/Whaaaaaa!!!/"

"I don't get it pop.  What the big idea, making us watch this," Ranma said.

"Yeah, no kidding," Akane, "It's the English only channel. I can't understand a word they're saying.  There aren't even any of those annoying subtitles.  Can't we change the channel or something?"

"No you can not!", Soun said, getting into his daughter's face.

"Ranma!  This is your penance," Genma said, getting into his son's face, "The two of you are to watch this for the rest of the night.  Is that clear!"

"Huh?? Sure, pop?", Ranma said.

The two fathers than stood up like ruling titans over their progeny.

"Count yourself lucky, Akane, that we aren't going to do any thing more harsh," Sound said.

"That's right Ranma.  Take your punishment like a man," Genma said.

The two then marched out, only to dash once they were out of sight to observe the two's reactions.

Ranma and Akane continued to blankly stare at the TV.

"/Lucy!/", the funny looking man said, placing his hands defiantly on his hips.

"That's all I hear, is 'Lucy'," Akane said, "Just what dues that mean any way?"

"I don't know.  Maybe he's telling her to stop whining or something," Ranma said.

"Whining?  Is that what you think she's doing?  I thought she had to go to the bathroom."

Then, when Akane and Ranma decided that American TV couldn't get any worse, it got worse.  Each program seemed to become more demeaning and stupid as time went own.

Finally, the TV was showing an old movie of some kind that had three odd looking guys strutting around, stopping only to smack and hit each other.

"/Hey Moe, what is this black thing with a candle sticking out of it?/"

"/Yangyangyang!  That's a bomb stupid, get rid of it quick!/"

"/Oh, it's a Bomb.  A BOMB!!  Here Curly, you get rid of it./"

"/Well sot'noly. Wouwouwou./"

It was then that Ranma happened to look at the table.

"Huh?", he said as he spied two tear drop looking pieces of turquoise that were mounted on silver chains, laying on the table.

"What is it Ranma?  Have you seen this one already?"

"No.  It's some kind of jewelry," Ranma said, taking the pendant from the table.  "You don't suppose it's one of Nabiki's is it?"

"Why would she leave it here?", Akane said.

"You know, it's kind of pretty," Ranma said, "Do you want to try it on?"

"Why do you want me to put it on, Ranma?!", Akane said with supposition.

"I don't know.  It's ether that or watch this stupid sitcom with that wiry kid with the glasses and suspenders," Ranma said.

"Give it to me, already," Akane said.

He handed the pendant to her.  Akane raised it to eye level to get a better look at it.

"You know, I've never seen this before.  You don't suppose dad left it here for us, do you?", Akane said.

"Why would they give us matching pendants for a penitence. Man, you're un-cute.  Fine, don't put it on then," Ranma said.

"Gerrr.  Fine then.  I will."

With that, Akane pulled the chain around her neck, and allowed the pendant to come to rest under her neck.

Behind her, their two fathers watched, peeking out from behind the doorway, and keeping their fingers crossed.

"There, are you happy now?  Huh?"

Akane then looked strangely at the TV, leaving Ranma to blink in confusion.

"What happened, did they suddenly change format or something?", Akane said.

"Or something?  What are you babbling about, Akane?" Ranma said.

"The TV, can't you hear?" Akane said.

"The only thing I here from the TV is a bunch of monkeys yapping away," Ranma said.

"No, they're specking perfect Japanese!" Akane said, "But why aren't they lip syncing?"

"Akane, don't be stupid, their still speaking English, unless...."

"Unless it has something to with the pendant," Akane said.

She then took it off.

"Now I can't understand them any more.  You try it."

Ranma frowned.  But he took the pendant, and donned it, just as Akane did.

"Hey, that's so weird," Ranma said.

Behind them, Soun and Genma were nodding to each other, and smiling widely.  Suddenly, they burst into the room, cheering and dancing.

Akane and Ranma listened patiently, when their fathers had finally explained the situation.  It was Ranma who broke the silence.

"So, this shaman guy cooked up these pendants, so we can speak English, so we can go into business with another school in Texas?  Far out.  Way to go, pop," Ranma said.

"Yeah dad, that's great.  But what about the other students?", Akane said.

"Huh?  Auu," Soun said, scratching the beck of his head, "I don't know.  We can safely say that you two are students of the school.  But that still leaves four tickets."

"Hey, why don't we take Ukyou and Shampoo.  We can pass them off as students, right?", Ranma said.

"Hey, why do you want to bring those two with you!", Akane shouted.

"Now what is that supposed to mean?!", Ranma said.

"Fine then.  While we're at it, why don't we invite Kuno and Ryoga!"

"Grrrr! Fine by me," Ranma said.

Ranma and Akane then folded their arms, and turned their backs on each other.  Meanwhile, Soun and Genma did a double take.

"Why not, Saotome?  They would fill out all the tickets," Soun said.

"They may not be students, but they do represent the Anything Goes attitude.  The big question is, will they come?"

Suddenly, the wall burst open, and all four afore mentioned persons charged in, running over their four hosts, and burying them under an avalanche of bags and suitcases, each garbed in outlandish Hawaiian stile tourist outfits.

"WHEN DO WE LEAVE ? ! ! !", they all shouted simultaneously,.

"Akane Tendo, what a romantic gesture to insist upon my presence on such a grand adventure.  I, Kuno Tatewaki, here do by pledge myself as your escort."

"Ni hao Ranma, Shampoo ready."

"Akane, You know I would follow you any where," Ryoga said.

"Thanks for inviting me along, Ran-chan," Ukyou said.

Within hours, the plane that would take our heroes aloft could be seen gaining speed along the runway.

"Ah yes," Kuno waxed, "America.  Land of the free, and home of the brave.  A mighty nation inspired by the great empire of Rome itself.  And I will bathe among the glory and power of Washington D.C. and drink in the aura of the most mighty nation upon the earth."

"Hiya, Shampoo can hardly wait to take picture of Statue of Liberty home to Chinese Amazon.  They be so proud of Shampoo."

"I can hardly believe It," Ryoga said, "The wonder and splendor of getting lost in the Grand Canyon."

"Just a imagine, a whole continent that hasn't tasted my okonomi-yaki," Ukyou said, seeing dollar sign in her eyes. "I'll make a killing."

"I can hardly wait to go skiing down the Rocky Mountains," Akane said.

"Ha ha ha, Imagine us, Saotome, getting to spy on girls clad in scanty bikinis on the beaches of California."

"You're a man after my own heart, Tendo."

"We'll, the only thing I want to see is....," Ranma said.

Suddenly, our heroes are left behind by a rickety bus as it pulls away along a lonely dirt road.

"The Great American Desert," Ranma completed without fanfare.

Our eight heroes suddenly found themselves in the middle of a vast, dry, and brown wasteland.  The screeching of buzzards could be heard overhead as a lonely tumbleweed rolled across their path, followed only by a cloud of dust.

Across the road, was indeed the most run down ranch to ever have been noticed upon the face of the continent. It's perimeter was marked by a rickety and rusted barbed wire fence that contained one sickly looking skinny cow, who seemed perfectly contented to watch the tourists from Japan while chewing on it's cud.

The cow then stopped, swallowed, and then spoke.

"Moo."

It then promptly regurgitated a new wad of cud, and returned to staring, and chewing.

The main house looked like it was decades overdue for a new paint job, if not outright demolition.  It was painted with a faded and weathered blue color, with a large open air porch that surrounded the house on three sides.

It was at that opportune moment, that a rain gutter decided to lose its grip on the eve, and plummet with a twang to the ground.

Standing on the road leading to the main house, were three natives.  Two girls, and one boy.  All three of which were staring blankly at the students from the Anything Goes school, just as our eight heroes stared back.

The first girl was had medium length blond heir that was done up in a short pony tail.  She ware a simple loose gray pullover and a pair of tan colored slacks.

The girl standing next to her was clearly the tallest woman present.  In fact, standing at seven four, she was the tallest person present.  She wore what appeared to be a course fiber cross over garment over her bust, and wrapped around her torso as a make shift skirt.

The only guy in the group was a tall, but stringy fellow dressed in vertical gray and black striped coveralls that were adorned only with numerous grease spots of various color, and a lonely patch that said "BOB".  From one pocket, poked out a greasy red rag, and from the other, a lonely wrench.  The fellow briefly flashed a smile at the school, before allowing it to return to his blank expression.

"Ranma,", Shampoo said, blinking in disbelief, "This not Statute iberty."

"Hmmm, it seems that we have neglected to concede the true scale of this great continent," Kuno said with a frown, and placed his fingers to his forehead.

"Tendo!", Genma said, "Are you certain this is the right place?"

"I don't know, let me check the brochure," Soun said, burying his nose in a pamphlet.  "It looks like the right place, but it looks nothing like the brochure.  According to this, there should be grass."

"Why am I not surprised there would be a catch," Ukyou said.

Meanwhile, the natives continued to stare at the travelers.

Finally, the blond poked the giantess in the ribs.

"Area, the sign.  So they know this is the right place," she said.

"Ahh, si," she said with a nod and a hint of Spanish in her voice.  Area then produced a faded sign that was illegibly written in English.

The blond quickly slapped the giantess in the arm.

"Stupid, the other sign.  The one we wrote in Japanese, you dolt."

"Oops, Area correct at once." the giantess said.  She then quickly flipped the sign over, and it read with primitive and barely legible characters, "Welcome, Saotome School of Anything Goes Marshal Arts."  (And just below their feet, the subtitles appeared.)

"Well, this looks like the right place," Soun said, "Let's go introduce ourselves."

Then, the ice was suddenly broken, and all now wore bright smiles of friendly greeting.  The three led the eight up the lonely driveway, and up to the main house.

But all was not entirely well.  Far beyond the vision of our heroes, a pair of pale red eyes peered through gray smoke, in the shadows, observing, and smiling.  A quiet, dark and haunting laugh echoed from his throat, and he spoke to the rising smoke around him.

"At last, grate spirits.  The moment I have promised you, and to my people, has come. The ends of the earth have met, and bitter enemies, now stand united as friends. Soon, great spirits,  very soon, I will deliver to you what I promised to you.  What you most desperately desire.  To feed on the hearts of those who posses true love.

"Well howdy sugar, I'm so glad you all decided to come on down and enjoy our hospitality," Kelley said, "Especially you, big guy," she said, looking right at Genma.  "I keep seeing you in my dreams.  You just keep reminding me of a great big teddy bear."

"Ha ha ha," Genma said, "You may be closer to the truth than you think," he said.  His comment won him a jab from his friend, Soun.

"Saotome, remember that we can't let them know about our curses.  Or this whole venture will be doomed," Soun whispered into Genma's ear.

"Jumpin' Jehosephat,", Kelley snapped, "Where are my manners, come on in.  Make your selves right at home."

Kelley stepped aside, and held the door open for every one to pass inside.  Then all found themselves in an impressively sized living room.  Compared to their own home, this one was filled with furniture.  There were two large couches, several rocking chars, and a recliner.  All situated to face a single small screen TV set with one of the knobs missing, and a plain pair of pliers standing taking it's place.  There was a fireplace, with a thick wool rug covering a portion of a hard wood floor.  At the far end of the room, was a staircase that disappeared up into the ceiling.

"Well, it's certainly...," Ukyou began, but then began a lose for words.

"Western looking," Akane finished.  It was evident that neither of them found what they were expecting to see.

"Akane,", Soun said, leaning over towards his daughter, "Remember your manners.  We're guests in a strange land, and with customs we don't understand."

"Ha ha ha," Kelley blurted, "Never you mind him Akane, we ain't much for ceremony here.  Speak your mind, I always say.  Heck, you couldn't offend me, even if ya tried." With that, Kelley turned away from then, and walked over to the foot of the staircase.  "Hey, every body!  The company's here!  Get you saddle warmers down here and say howdy already!"

There was a clamor that sounded like a herd of buffalo that came down the stairway.  It was an impressive family, even if it was obvious that not every one was related to each other.

"All right every body!", Kelley began as she started the round of introductions, "My name is Kelley Clearwater, but you can call me Kell.  And this here is my best friend, and the owner of this fine house, Cindy Darenger, her three sons, Dusty, Cash, and Redd."

Already, Shampoo, Ukyou, and even Akane noticed Dusty.  He was tall, and ruggedly handsome with a clean shaven face that was neatly framed by well combed black hair.  He was dressed in simple pink shirt and faded blue jeans and cowboy boots.  But some how, they simply looked better on him.  He was not so beefy as to be obvious or anything, but still, his musculature was clear, even fully clothed, ready for work as he was.

Cash was a another matter.  He was still clean shaven and neat.  But he wore a polo shirt, slacks and actual shoes. In all, he looked like he'd be more comfortable playing golf than playing cowboy.

Then there was Redd.  Clean and shaved as his two brothers, but with a more boyish appearance.  Still, something about him set him apart.  Maybe the apron around his waist, and the used spoon in his hand.

It was just at that moment that Redd's mother spotted the spoon, and rudely snatched it from his grip.  Redd's reaction was to sigh in defeat.

"And over here,", Kelley continued, "The gal in the gray pullover is my only daughter, Tarry.  She's the little lady who's going to carry on the school after I go ridin' off into the sunset.  Then of course, you all met our resident Amazon from the hills of Argentina, Area.  The guy wearing the oil stained pajamas is Bob, The best mechanic in all of
 Dirt Hill, if not in Texas, and an all around nice guy to boot.  Then lastly, but not least, there's Marry Lou, our first and only student for the school."

Marry Lou had the same affect on the boys, as Dusty had on the girls.  For one thing, she was busty, very busty, with plenty of cleavage showing through her tightly drawn blue and white checkered blouse.  She also had on a skirt that hung just above the knees, giving a good show of some worthy legs.

"Whanana..," Ranma rambled, a small dribble of drool dripping from the corner of his mouth.  He was completely oblivious to the stabbing glares from Akane.

"Wow," Ryouga said most artfully.

"Indeed, the Gods are artists, and their masterpiece thus stands before me.  Beauty in flesh, and Grace giving life itself," Kuno waxed, "So fair even to rival that of the pigtailed girl."

Kuno's words struck Ranma like an invisible hammer.

"Pinch me, Saotome, I must be dreaming," Soun said, his tongue hanging out.

"Pinch you?!  Thanks for running the moment, Tendo."

"Well now, since we are all introduced, why don't we all grab some grub.  Compliments of our young Redd Darenger," Kelley said.

"Sure, rub it in why don't you," Cindy said.

"What?  Come on Cindy, your son is a great cook," Kelley said.

"Sons are not supposed to be great cooks," Cindy snapped. She then marched into the other room, leaving Kelly to shrug in defeat.

The Saotome School was let into the next room, the dining room, which was dominated by a long and large dinning room table that was covered with a white cloth.  Plates for all were set, forming a perimeter around bowls and platters heaping over with food.  Placed next to the plates, were set the most alien thing yet encountered.  Silverware.  A bizarre setting indeed since there were two forks, two knives, and three spoons.

Every one soon found a chair, and stood behind them, waiting to take their "cultural" cues from their host. Until some one made an unusual discovery.

"Hey, what's this?", Ranma said, eyeing the meal closer, "This is Japanese food."

"Yes," Redd said, beaming with pride, "I thought that after you long trip, you might appreciate something from home.  It was also a perfect excuse to play around with some new recipes."

Cindy placed her hands on her hips and eyed her son.

"You say that as if it was a good thing,", she said. Cindy then let out a long and sad sigh as she shook her head in disappointment, "If only you were more like your brothers."

"Mother," Redd said in protest.

By now, Genma leaned over, and snatched a piece of sashimi from a platter.

"Well, you certainly didn't go wrong in the kitchen.  This tastes terrific."

"Nay, I say!"

Suddenly, all eye's were turned towards Kuno, who suddenly took up an over dramatic pose over his chair.  "I, Kuno Tatewaki did not travel half way around the globe and to this exotic foreign land to taste the fruit of home.  A fine meal it may be, but A meal I may enjoy once upon a normal day.  Certainly, it is not fit for such an occasion as this!"

"Shhh!", Tarry Clearwater said, "Quiet, he'll hear you."

"Nonsense!", Kuno said, "Let I be heard.  I am a man of bold courage, with the heart of an explorer.  And I strive to explore the culinary delights of this great land."

"No no no," Tarry said trying to keep her voice down, now waving her hands to word Kuno away from his self imposed course.  She then looked to either side of her.  "You don't understand, the Cajun will here you.  And you don't want the Cajun to cook for you."

"The Cajun!  Who this may be your chef," Kuno said, his voice now louder. "If indeed he be a master of fine cuisine that is indicative of the Biue itself, then I hunger for this man's art.  To the Cajun!  I implore you, I beg you, bring me your masterpiece, so that I may consume the flavor and spirit of the great land!"

"Yay, gie somone cul Cajun!"

Suddenly, a white blur entered the room.  And there he stood, at the entrance.  The Cajun.  He was a big fellow, who was definitely wide for his still rather tall height. But it was evident that under his snow white chef's outfit that he wore, that his bulk comprised greatly of le. He placed his hands on his hips as if he was going to throw his head back in laughter, a wide handlebar mustache that covered his mouth, but made it seem as if his smile expanded well beyond his ears.  He eyed the new comers with an almost evil like glee, like a kid in a candy store, ready to gobble every thing in sight.

At this point, all the natives had recoiled away from the odd fellow, who was wearing a white apron, and two guerilla style spice holders slung over his shoulders.  Then, his eyes fell on Kuno, who swallowed nervously from within his gaze.

Suddenly, the Cajun throw open his arms with a gleeful gesture, as if to hug Kuno from a distance, and bellowed with a laugh that echoed off the walls, and shook the windows.  He then snapped into a blur of motion.  Several logs, a large black pot, and a sphere of water flew across the dinner table, and were piled neatly in the giant sized fireplace that lay at the far end of the room.  The logs landed into a neat pile, perfect to receive the pot and the pot landed perfectly to receive the water.

The Cajun then produced what looked to be a fire extinguisher of some kind, and he handed it like a gun slinger, twirling it around his finger.  Then it locked into position, and he pulled the trigger, and a tongue of flame shot across the room, and across Kuno's bow, as he looked on in a daze.  In an instant, the fireplace was a blaze, setting the water to boil.

The Cajun was then upon the pot, and tossing ingredients and critters of all sort into the pot, singing happily as he tended to his work.  Something squealed, and leaped from the pot, only to be snatched in mid air, and put back into the boiling water.  Vegetables flew across the air, and were instantly shredded and diced along their trajectory into the pot.

Then, he paused.  Stuck his finger in the pot to taste test.  He was impressed.

Before Kuno knew what hit him,  a knife and a fork flew though the air, and lodged themselves into the table with a -tha-wing-.  A plate spun through the air, and was caught by the knife and fork.  A spoon was then thrown into the air, and smacked against both the fork and knife, dislodging them and being knocked into the air, and finally coming to rest on ether side of the plate.  Only the spoon was out of place by a mere few degrees, when the Cajun whooshed over in a blur, straightened the spoon to perfection, then returned to his pot.  All the while, loudly humming his nameless tune without missing a beat.

Then a large blob of grayish goo flew across the room, and landed squarely on Kuno's plate.  Then, in a flash, The Cajun zipped in behind Kuno, shoved the chair in under him, and then tied on him a bib that said, "I want to kiss the cook.  Even if he is ugly."  He then stood back and beamed with uncontainable pride, to observe the results of his obvious labor of love, his hands clasped before him as if in anticipation.

Kuno looked down at his plate, and his eyes became wide with horror.

The stuff was thick, just barely liquid enough to slowly ooze across the plate.

Kuno began to turn a sickly shade of green.

Briefly glancing up, he saw his fellow Japanese, and even the Americans, staring at him with shock and horror.  Them, as if they feared the wrath of the Cajun, then dove into their own meals.  Even the Americans, taking in cuisine that would normally turn their stomach, seemed to unusually relish the flavor and texture of octopus, and squid.

Only Ranma and Ukyou, who just happened to be sitting at either side of Kuno had the courage to lean over, and survey the contents of Kuno's plate.

"Say Ran-chan,", Ukyou said, "You don't suppose those things are suppose to move, do you?"

"Is it my imagination Ukyou, or is this thing turning color?", Ranma said to Ukyou.

It was then that Kuno's resolve began to weaken, and he slowly leaned further and further back into his chair until it fell over, only revealing Kuno's nervously twitching feet.

Apparently, the Cajun misinterpreted Kuno's fainting, as a rousing endorsement of his food.  He took Kuno from the floor, hugged him, kissed him on both of his cheeks, vigorously shook his hand, hugged him once more, then propped the limp Kuno back into his chair, just in time for a second helping of the Cajun's masterpiece to fly onto his plate.

All Kuno could do, was to fall under the table.

There, hidden only by distance and thin gray smoke,  a pair of red eyes observed the meal.  A cold and  warped smile appeared on an wrinkled and hairless face, as a dark laughter again erupted from his throat. But it was not the chuckle of humor that tickled him, for this vestigial mode of humor was far darker.

His laughter increased slowly, and with wicked persistence.

"Eat, brave warriors.  Eat well, and eat heartily.  For more than you can possibly know may rest upon the bounty of your final meal."

The dark soul could speak no more, for his voice was consumed with his loud cackle.  Soon, his cruel laughter would be heard at the ends of the earth.  And it may very well be the last thing that they shall hear.

Story by: Douglas E. Kulp
Based on stuff by: Rumiko Takahashi
Edited by: Deric Wilson
Transportation and lodging by: Code Name D.

Note to foreign guests: Motel 8 doses not have public bathing areas.

http://geocities.datacellar.net/Code_Name_D
code_name_d@my-deja.com

Ranma 1/2: The Curse of the Ghost Dance
Act 1: The Invitation