The Conquest of the CPA's - Round Robin
by the Persuaders
Summary: The bad aliens have been beaten back by the good aliens. The
good aliens have decided to 'micro-manage' earth.
Category: pure fluff, x-over XF/TS
Rating: unknown at this time
Disclaimer: The well-known characters are the property of 1013 and Pet
Fly Productions. I don't know who owns the CPA aliens, certainly not
me. I also doubt Gene Roddenberry's Ferengi were the first to govern by
accounting principles. Maybe Douglas Adams? However, there are no
Ferengi in this story; neither does Ford Prefect appear.
It ended with a whimper. All the alien plans, all the remaining
Consortium plots were foiled. Foiled by an alien race of accountants.
They knew extended war to be wasteful. In short: they came, they
assessed, they conquered.
Under earth's new management, there were many changes made. The CPA's
(as the conquering aliens were known) thought prison to be an exorbitant
waste of money. They were able to read thoughts. The truly evil, the
unrepentant, stood no chance. Their lives were terminated immediately.
Those not truly evil were in for an interesting time...
Washington, D.C.
A.D. Walter Skinner and Special Agent Fox Mulder were called to a
meeting with the committee of CPA's overseeing the Federal Government of
the United States. (Countries were not dissolved unless there was no
hope for balancing their budgets, or there was no one left to assume
leadership - these were 'kind' CPA's.) They were to respond to charges
of not remaining within their annual budget for the X-Files department.
Taking seats in front of the panel of CPA's, both Skinner and Mulder
tried to look respectful and attentive. Mulder, however, was hoping the
meeting would end quickly as the Lone Gunmen had invited him over for
cheese-steaks and a Knicks game.
The head of the CPA committee opened the meeting. "Mr. Skinner and Mr.
Mulder, you do realize we have extended great latitude to you in
allowing you to remain in your present positions despite your not too
pristine records in the past?"
Skinner quickly responded, "Yes, sir. We do, and we are most
grateful." He subtly kicked Mulder, who appeared to want to add a
comment.
"We acknowledge your contributions, albeit not entirely legal, to aid
in the resistance to the Consortium and their plans. However, we cannot
overlook your failure to properly administer the X-Files budget."
"Sirs!" Mulder jumped to his feet before Skinner had a chance to
restrain him. "It is impossible for Agent Scully and myself to properly
do our jobs within the current budget constraints. We have no idea when
we need to travel abroad, or when we will need specialized equipment. I
believe our department should be held outside the normal budgetary
constraints."
Skinner quickly pulled Mulder back to his seat. The CPA's were talking
angrily among themselves. Mulder's comments were sacrilege!
"Agent Mulder. Everything is held to budgetary constraints, there are
no exceptions. A.D. Skinner, as your immediate supervisor, is
responsible for making you toe the budgetary bottom line. He has failed
to do so. You have failed to do so. You are both being sent to a
remedial camp where you will be instructed and tested on maintaining a
proper budget. This meeting is over!"
A security team appeared and escorted the two hapless FBI men from the
room. They were immediately placed in transit to the 'budget' camp.
Cascade, WA.
The local CPA committee had ordered police Captain Simon Banks and
Detective James Ellison to their budgetary hearing (the CPA's preferred
the term 'accounting'). Much like the FBI's X-File department,
Detective Ellison and his 'partner' Blair Sandburg were constantly over
budget. Since Sandburg was in reality an observer and not a true member
of the police force, he was not required to attend the hearing.
Besides, Ellison was the one who was responsible for repeatedly losing
his weapon and destroying property, at least the majority of the time.
Captain Banks and Detective Ellison sat across from the 'accounting'
panel. They, like their Washington cohorts, tried to look attentive and
respectful. However, Ellison was hoping the hearing would end quickly,
Blair was ordering Chinese and they had plans to watch the Jags game.
The head of the panel began the hearing. "Captain Banks, Detective
Ellison is a member of your department, and is accountable to you. He
has consistently been the reason that major crimes is over budget. Yet,
you do nothing to reign him in, you merely pass on his expenditures to
your accounting department. You seem to care nothing for the 'bottom
line'."
"Sir," Banks quickly responded, before Ellison could say anything
damaging. "Detective Ellison is my best officer. He consistently
solves crimes no one else can. I overlook his expenditures in order to
take criminals off our streets."
"We understand Detective Ellison's special 'abilities'. However, he
could solve the crimes without the excessive expenditures we currently
see on your worksheet."
Ellison jumped to his feet, "Sir, I cannot be held accountable for every
gun I lose. I'm doing my best to solve crimes! If my vehicle is
destroyed in the process, it's for the better of Cascade. It is more
important to eliminate crime than to balance the budget!"
Banks quickly pulled Jim to his seat. He knew they were in for it now.
"There is no excuse for over expenditures Detective Ellison. You could
still solve these crimes without loss of property. We are sentencing
you and your Captain to budget camp. This accounting is over!""
The security team quickly escorted Banks and Ellison from the room. The
duo was almost instantly in transit to 'budget camp'.
Budget Camp, somewhere in the U.S. where absolutely no one ever wants to
visit
The incoming 'campers' were quickly assembled into a line for
processing. The CPA's were extremely efficient in all their
operations. First, the arrivals were stripped of their clothing and
possessions. Then, they were given camp outfits to wear - cotton
briefs, shorts and T-shirts (women were also given cotton bras). Cotton
sneakers and white socks completed the outfits. In groups of four, the
campers were assigned tents, occupants of a tent formed an accounting
(or budgetary) team. Skinner, Mulder, Banks and Ellison were assigned
to tent 6, of worksheet 6, of workbook 6. Workbook's 6 head accountant
was there to greet them.
"Items of 6.6.6, welcome to budget camp. Here, you will learn to live
and perform your jobs within budget. Failure at any exercise will
result in corporal punishment. Questions will be answered at completion
of the exercise. Claim your bunk and get to know your bunkmates. Your
worksheet group will be meeting in 45 minutes. You will be given
holographic exercises to complete. Those not managing to complete
within schedule and under budget will be disciplined. Enjoy your time
at Camp Budget." With that, the CPA left their tent.
Simon Banks introduced himself and his partner to the team of Skinner
and Mulder. They exchanged stories of how they came to be at Camp
Budget. Skinner and Mulder chose one bunk bed, Skinner on the bottom
(it's a lot of work to pull yourself into the top bunk!), Banks and
Ellison took the other (Banks on the bottom, same reason). It was time
to meet with their worksheet group.
Each item (tent) of worksheet 6 was given a holographic exercise to
complete. They were also given a budget for the exercise. Those
failing to complete on time and within budget were to be subjected to
corporal discipline. For some reason, the CPA's found a bare butt
belting to be the most effective method for punishment when not
obtaining fiscal responsibility.
In item's 6 hologram, the team was to secure a shipment of bullion
without endangering the citizens of a town of 250, and without going
over a budget of $1,000. The bullion was being shipped by train. The
team only had to ensure the shipment was still on board and in the
baggage car after the train past through the town.
Banks and Ellison were masquerading as railroad employees, to monitor
conditions aboard the train. Skinner and Mulder were doing surveillance
outside the train, making sure no unsavory persons boarded or left the
train. Somehow, Ellison lost his gun, was ejected from the train, and
ended up blocking the train's passage by parking a private citizen's
truck across the tracks. Mulder also lost his gun, fell while racing
down the platform and knocked several thousands of dollars worth of
luggage onto the tracks, in front of an incoming train. The CPA's were
not happy.
Returning to their tent, the occupants of item 6.6.6 were faced with an
accounting they would never forget.
According to the bottom line, they had exceeded their budget by $5,000.
This was unacceptable. Especially since their total budget was $1,000.
Most of that was for salaries for the four individuals of tent 6. The
bottom line required extreme reconciliation.
The CEO of Camp Budget strutted through tent six. "I hope you campers
are aware of how dismally you performed on that exercise! You were over
budget by a factor of five! This is unacceptable. Now it is true that
campers Skinner and Banks did not cause any of the excessive
expenditures. However, they are responsible for the performance of
their subordinates, campers Mulder and Ellison. Therefore, you will
each receive 25 strokes for your excessiveness! Worksheets 6's leader
will conduct the punishment. Gentlemen, I hope we do not have to meet
again in this manner."
With that he left the tent. Worksheet 6's leader stared at the errant
campers. He was holding a long, thick, pliant strap of leather. He
addressed tent's 6's campers. "You will, in turn, dropped your pants
and underclothing, you will bend forward and hold your ankles. You will
receive twenty-five lashes of this belt. You will not complain. Anyone
breaking from punishment will be forced into position, held in place,
and punishment will start over. Simon Banks, you are first."
Simon, throwing a dirty look at Jim, moved to the center of the tent,
lowered his pants, and took the described position. The worksheet's
leader quickly dispensed twenty five agonizing stripes across his
backside. He could not hold back his tears after the fourteenth
stripe. The pain was excruciating.
Each member of tent six took their place when commanded. Not a single
camper managed to wait out the punishment without tears. For Mulder it
was the most difficult. The other three campers had been in the
military at one time, they were more inured to punishment. Mulder
found himself trying to break away at ten strokes, he was already
sobbing uncontrollably. Unfortunately, this meant he received a total
of thirty-five strokes! The punishment was indeed harsh. Each tent
occupant was sure they would never do anything to find themselves in
this position again. The bottom line was the most important thing in
their pursuit of justice!
After the 4 men recovered from their 'review' of the days activities.
Simon decided to warn his detective what would happen if he was on the
receiving end of another spanking.
"Ellison, I'll give you one warning." Simon growled rubbing his butt. "If I
receive another bad review because of you. I will take your pants down
after the CPA has left and spank you again."
"But, Simon..." Jim sputtered to a stop at the glare he recieved.
"Don't but Simon me. Here's the scenario for tomorrow. I want you to study
it and avoid any pitfalls.
Walter had watched the interaction between the two dectectives from Cascade
and turned to his own subordinate.
"Mulder, what he said goes double for me." Skinner said angrily although he
was able to refrain from rubbing his butt.
Mulder just looked at his boss balefully and joined Jim at the table.
"What's the scenario for tomorrow?" Fox asked.
"We're suppose to investigate a haunted house." Jim said in disbelief.
Walter groaned he just knew that Mulder would go off on sometime of crazy
tangent.
To be continued as more is added. Send your submissions to me: Eleri