The Swansong of Venkman.

Somewhere within a fantastic forest, where elves roam and trees walk and talk, a gathering is taking place. In a clearing a great stage has been constructed from the natural flora that abounds, and a great curtain of woven grasses falls between the fantastic crowd and the entertainment beyond. But this is no ordinary crowd.

Fauns, Dryads, Druids, Elves, Fairies, Centaurs, Sylphs, Nymphs and all manner of mythical being crowd together, chatting away merrily and waiting for the show to begin. the sun is high and flickers between the foliage that stretches over the scene so very very high above. For this is the forest where the great trees grow, trees that reach for the heavens. Rumor has it, that somewhere in this woods the Magic Faraway Tree curves it's way to heaven. This is where wise old treants stand firm in the soil, locked by their roots, imparting wisdom on the passer by.

Suddenly, a hush falls as a Satyr wearing a dinner jacket and a red bow tie appears from under the curtain clasping a microphone. "Laaaaaadies and Gentlemen, and allllll those in between! It is my pleasure and priveledge to introduce to you a man (aye, a simple man, no more, no less) that we all know and adore. A man who drinks with the best dwarves, hunts with the best of the elven tribes and flirts like mad with the nymphs!' a chuckle runs through the magical crowd 'May i present to you..." the curtains of grass part to reveal a small orchestra of creatures in the back of the stage "....the one, the oooonly, Venkman!" and the centaur jumps off the stage to the grass three feet below and turns to watch with the others as Venkman comes sliding out on his knees to the centre of the stage, arms wide. He comes to rest at the end of the stage and stays poised as the crowd of bizarre onlookers applauds and stomps their hooves and claws and feet. After a while he stands and begins sweeping his hands out before him, head turned to the side. "Stop! Oh go on! You're embarassing me! Enough already! Please!" he grins broadly and stops waving his arms to stand with them folded. He wears his favourite outfit, yet as clean as the day purchased. His long black coat (made with Aussie wool), the end flapping against his ankles in the slight breeze. A multi-colored vest, as daring and wild as his personality. A crisp, white shirt with a large collar....collar undone. Black baggy pants, neatly pressed. A black belt with plain silver buckle. Black shoes that reflect the sylvan faces in the crowd before him. And finally, his purple tinted sunglasses, which he now removes and slips beneath his vest into his shirt pocket.

The Satyr in the front row with the microphone throws it to Venkman. Who catches it and points at the little puck. "Please keep the applause coming for my personal buddy, Michael Briar, what a legend!". The applause becomes louder. "Yeeeeeaaahhh! Allllrighty!" Venkman's eyes smile at his little friend who turns and bows to the crowd...twice.

The applause begins to die down. And Venkman steps back from the edge of the stage, turning to walk to the centre. "Hey guys, nice to see ya!" he says to the little orchestra of sylvan creatures. They all smile and nod back at him. Venkman turns and lifts the micophone to his lips again, other arm folded.

"Before I begin, let me just say that it's great to be invited back again, for this, your one million and seventy-fifth annual get together. Although this is only my fourteenth, and only my sixth time up here, I've come to feel I know....I KNOW...the spirit of the whole damn thing, the spirit of the event. And his name is George, he's up the back there...Howdy George!!" Venkman waves and a 'traditional' "sheet with holes" type ghost up the back waves in return. The others turn and nod to The Spirit of the Moment.

"Okaaaay, without further ado, let's begin shall we?" Venkman stamps his foot and turns to give a signal to the fantastical band assembled behind him...then turns again as the stage lights suddenly come to life, focusing on Venkman and making him appear surreal. A Hobbit on the drums starts going sick, and doing the intro to Venkman's first number...and as the rest of the band starts to fire, Venkman raises the microphone and begins....

"While the sun hangs in the sky, and the desert has sands...
While the waves crash in the sea and meet the land...
While there's a wind, and the stars and a rainbow...
Till the mountains crumble into the plains...

Yes, we'll keep on trying,
Tread that fine line...
Oh, we'll keep on trying...
Till the end of time...."

A golden elf on an electric guitar starts to close his eyes and jump on the spot as he plays, getting carried by the music...

"While we live according to race, color or creed...
While we're ruled by blind madness and pure greed...
Our lives dictated by tradition, superstition, faaaalse religion...
Through the eons...and on...and on..

Yes, we'll keep on trying,
Tread that fine line...
Oh, we'll keep on trying...
Till the end of time....till the end of time..."

Then the rest of the band stops and the stage lighting goes off, a spotlight coming on and surrounding a beautiful female dryad on a guitar...she plays wonderfully as Venkman's disembodied voice echoes throughout the forest clearing, his words softly spoken...

"Through the sorrow, or through our splendour....don't take offense to...my...Innuendo..."

Another two spotlights flick on and two other forest creatures are shown, also on guitars. The three of them play a short instrumental before the stage lighting again come on illuminating Venkman and the rest of the musicians. At the peak of the three guitars instrumental they stop and some celestial music from a puck on a triangle and minotaur in coat and tails majestically playing the piano kicks in. Venkman continues...

"You can be anything you want to be,
Just turn yourself into anything you think that you could ever be..."

A small choir comprised of five small dragons suddenly starts singing along with Venkman, holding the words in small booklets in their claws...

"Be free in your temple...be free...be free...surrender your evil...be free...be free...to yourseeeeeeeeeeeeeeelf"

The rest of the musicians suddenly start again, the elf with the electric guitar really going troppo now...he has his own small solo performance as the band plays thunderously behind him...Venkman smiling and watching..half-turned. Then Venks turns back to the crowd as the crazy dwarf on drums starts the beat again...

"If there's a God or any kind of justice under the sky...
If there's a point; If there's a reason to live or die...
If there's an answer to the question we feel bound to ask...
Show yourself, destroy our fears, reeeeeleeeease your mask...

Yeeeeeees, we'll keep on trying,
Tread that fine liiiiiine...
Oh yeah, we'll keep on smiling...
And whatever will be will beeeeeee....
Till the end of time...till the eeeeeend of time...till the eeeeeeeennnnd of time!"

And Venkman drops the microphone and swings his arms wide as large fireworks suddenly explode on both sides of the stage and the elven guitarist almost starts foaming at the mouth...the music fades and the crowd roars...Venkman speaks again..."Don't thank me! Thank Freddy Mercury! Thank Queen!! And thank Silvestri on electric guitar here! The guy almost burst an internal organ!!" The crowd roars...and Venkman calls the elf forward and they both bow to the crowd, then ech other...then the crowd again...

And so things continued until the sun had disappeared from the sky. With numbers like "Pride" (adapted from U2's version), "For What you Dream Of" by Bedrock (featuring KYO), "#1 Crush" from Garbage (found on the Romeo + Juliet soundtrack...OUT NOW IN ALL GOOD MUSIC STORES), a special mix of the "Ghostbusters" song from the movie Ghostbusters II ('cause Venkman likes it), and Venkman was in the middle of one of his final numbers...a bit of a quiet one...when something happened...something terrible...

"....I'm a creep...I'm a weeeeeirdo...
What the hell am I doin' heeeeeere?
I don't belooooong here..."

Three armoured vehicles suddenly tear into the clearing from the woodland....and amidst the shocked screams of the assembled crowd, they stop...the band suddenly becomes silent and stares in awe as large doors in the armoured transports begin to open...

Venkman is still holding the microphone but is no longer singing...he stares and looks perplexed..somewhat bemused..."What's this? A surprise? Who's idea was this?"

Suddenly the silent crowd begins to scream and panic again as troops leap from the vehicles and begin firing strange looking weapons at random into the assembled crowd of fantasmagoria...

"Hey..." Venkman says, the microphone slipping from his numb fingers to crash to the stage...the band starts to knock over their instruments or hurl them away madly in their scramble to reach the safety of the trees...to run and hide...

"HEY!!" Venkman screams at the top of his lungs...his features distorted with emotion...he leaps from the stage into the midst of the screaming and fleeing crowd...and begins running toward the intruders in a bid to stop them...

The troops are dressed in MacDonalds uniforms, but have Imperial Stormtrooper helmets on. Little Green MacDonald's aprons flapping about their legs as they march, shooting their humongous sauce guns, which emit something akin to blue lasers...cutting down the fleeing creatures....all their MacDonald's name tags say "Reality".

Just as one troop fires and knocks a large male centaur to the ground with a shot to the hindquarters, he suddenly finds himself almost lifted bodily fom the ground and thrown against a tree by the enraged Venkman...who quickly McSauce gun from the stunned troops hands, and while helping the centaur, which was stunned, back onto it's legs with one hand...fires madly at the approaching troops with the weapon of evil in his other hand. The clearing is almost completely cleared, and now most fire is focused in Venkman's direction as he darts from fallen log and tree, taking cover, and firing madly, often charging from his latest hiding spot to bodily attack these antagonists with the full bestial rage that courses through him. It is not long before Venkman is soon hit...he staggers...another blast from the weapons catches him and he falls to the ground as the troops swarm forward to overpower him.

Venkman is looking bad. Not killed by what must have only been weapons set to stun, he is still bruised and bloody after his ordeal, and the fact that the men that lift and drag him to the back of one of the armoured tranports are not particularly gentle...he falls to the ground, handcuffed and exhausted once they release his arms. Venkman rolls over on the ground and looks to the back of the transport as a figure emerges, smiling...

"I should have known...Ronald MacDonald...you bastard" "Now Now Venkman, That's hardly the language I would expect from you...especially in your position" says the clown responsible for this assault.

Ronald MacDonald chuckles to himself, and the pathetic great red smile painted on his face grows wider as a diabolical grin crosses his features, "It was bound to happen you know...to bad it had to happen this way though, eh?"

Venkman doesn't answer...

"It seems..." starts Ronald, arms crossed as he begins to pace around before Venkman's crumpled form on the ground, eyeing the blank gaze of the masks of his troops, "..that you have been off with the fairies for too long Venkman...you've dropped your guard, old boy...become slack. It's about time you were given a strong dose of reality! That's why I havbe decided that YOU are going to join me...work for me in one of my fine restaurants..." two other figures emerge from the Transport.

One of them, Grimace, looks concerned.."uh...do ya really think this is a good idea?" Ronald spins angrily and barks back at him - "SHUTUP GRIMACE! YOU FOOL! YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE STUPID ONE! YOU IDIOT! JUST STAND THERE AND LOOK FRIENDLY YOU PATHETIC PURPLE SPUD!"

Venkman's eyes open and he gives a weak thumbs up to Grimace...groaning "you've always been my favourite buddy"...before the hand and his eyelids fall again...

Ronald MacDonald again faces Venkman as the second new persona, The Hamburglar, steps forward with a MacDonald's uniform and a StormTrooper helmet. "As I was saying...you now work for me..."

Venkman shifts slightly, cringing, and mutters "no...that's not true...that's impossible..." Troops again lift him to his feet and begin to carry him into the back of the transport as the evil army returns to their vehicles.

"I'm afraid you don't have a choice" says Ronald MacDonald as the door on the transport closes...

...and the transports rumble from the clearing.