The Adventure of the Thong Bikini.

Portion from the Diary of one, John Q Citizen:

Dear Diary,
I have had one of the most amazing adventures deep beneath the golden sands of the Australian beach in a vast subterranean network of caves. I sit here now, three days afterwards, still perplexed. After escaping from the caves beneath the mighty beach I sat for the last few days in the same clothes (Multi-colored short sleeve shirt, baggy white shorts and red rubber sandals) in a cane chair, staring into the horizon beyond my high-rise apartment on the Gold Coast. I watched the clouds crawl across the sky, a brief sunshower, people below me playing in the surf and the almighty sun beating down upon the backs of all as it rose and fell, rose and fell....I was in shock. It is only now that I find that I can tell my story, or at least put it to paper first before I venture outside to spread the word to everyone else (particularly the male population).

I was strolling along the beach late in the afternoon, picking up shells, stepping between those little globules of that jelly stuff that you find on the beach, and kicking over sandcastles that had not disintegrated with the appproach of the tide (as I am quite the antisocial bastard)....when I noticed three voluptuous women wearing thong bikini's lying on rocks near the mouth of a cave. Now....I'm not one to stare and gape at such things (54% of the time)....but I found it necessary to retrieve my jaw from the sand at my feet (from what was once the throne room of "Castle Crystallite"....a name I learned upon kicking the castle over, where a small girl was heard to cry aloud "And so falls CASTLE CRYSTALLITE! In classic Monty Python style!"....I would have been perplexed at such a statement coming from one so yong had I not noticed the aforementioned beauties upon yonder rocks) These women where like none I had ever seen...curves, long silky legs that went from here to tomorrow, full lips, pendulent breasts and eyes that make a mans knees go all funny and lips slacken so as to allow great amounts of drool to escape. I was tranfixed, awed even. I hardly noticed as a small child began beating me with a plastic hammer "Step from the castle ruins, good sir, or I shall brain thee with this tool"....I stepped from the broken sandcastle and walked like a zombie towards the visions before me. These sirens....these Goddesses....clad in something akin to tissue paper stretched tight across their gorgeous bodies by twine....creatures of unbelieveable splendour. As I walked toward them, arms flapping by my side, eyes wide and mouth agape, leaving a trail of saliva behind me in the sand....these suductive creatures turned their gaze upon me and smiled. JOY! BLISS! I felt that at that moment I would rise from the ground and simply glide thru the air towards them. I could actually hear a celestial choir (it was the little girl with the sandcastle...she had the soundtrack to "Sister Act" playing on a 'boombox' behind her in the sand). And then.....oh then...the girls stepped off the rocks upon which they lay and walked into the cave slowly...chewing gum style (very wriggly). Oh but if only you could have seen those silken, delicate limbs in motion...I felt that if I died then...I would die I happy man. They walked into the mouth of the cave, laughing, giggling and batting their pretty little eyelids....BECKONING TO ME! Lucky I don't have the heart condition my father has or in that moment I would have collapsed groaning and clutching my palpitating heart. Wild dogs couldn't have stopped me! I ran into the cave after them as they walked further in....still beckoning. In the cave they surrounded me...one reached out and took my left hand, stroking her long nails along the length of that arm...another replicated that action to my right....and the last walked behind me....I was shivering with anticipation and my guts twisted with excitement...and the anticipation!!!

It was then that I was struck very hard with something that felt the size of a tree trunk to the back of my head......and everything went black.

I awoke with an aching skull, lying upon a cold stone floor in the dankest little room you could possibly imagine. I rose to sit and looked around. I was not alone. A skeleton hung by shackles on the wall to my right....the top of it's skull removed....and someone had hung a long black coat over its shoulder. That someone stood at the doorway before me....with his back to me, holding the bars of a small window in a thick oak door. He was slightly hunched over to look through the little window and from what I could see of his face from behind him he appeared to be squinting to examine something far beyond the other side of the door. He was very still, the only movement, besides myself, in the gloomy little cell being three rats gnawing on bones in a far corner in the half-light. There were no windows save the one on the door, and the only light appeared to come from torches in the tunnels beyond. Our walls were made of stone. And it became clear that we were underground. The word 'dungeon' springs to mind. "Glad your awake, my friend....I'm going to need your help" said the stranger at the door, still looking out the tiny window. It was then that he turned to face me. He was about 6'2" (although a thick mop (cut short yet still wavey...as if alive and writhing) of straight, dark, brown hair on his head made him appear an extra inch or so taller) and was wearing a pair of ragged jeans with holes in the knees, white sneakers and a baggy, collar-less white shirt lined with criss-crossing light blue stripes. His sleeves were rolled up and he had obviously been sweating, as the creases in his high forehead were lined with a fine layer of dirt. "I want you to start writhing about on the floor gripping you head and screaming like somethings moving about in your noggin" he said...his dark brown eyes alive.

"Say what?"

He stepped foreward, towering over me as I sat on the floor. "start screaming man, and grip your cranium before I make you...it's part of my ingenious plan to get us out of here"

"But...But....where are we? And who the hell are you?" I wouldn't have to worry about faking a pain in my head...it was throbbing, and tentative exploration with my hand revealed a large bump on the back.

The stranger stopped and looked shocked "Oh...I'm sorry..." he grinned then and offered his hand "The name's Venkman....and your being held prisoner by a race of subterrainean she-devils (with bodies for sin I might add) with cannabalistic....ahh...tendencies....of sorts?"

I was dumbfounded...."What? Cannabalisitc tendencies? She-devils??"

Venkman walked over to the skeleton and reached into the pocket of his coat "Excuse me mate...just grabbing something to eat..." I was about to respond when I realised he was talking to the skeleton "thanks for holding the coat by the way" and with a slap on the rickety skeletons shoulder he walked back to the door with a lollipop and unwrapped it...popping it into his mouth before speaking again and resuming his squinty-eyed examination of whatever lay beyond the door. "You know those women out on the beach in the thong bikini's?" I nodded, but he wasn't watching me and continued regardless "...well, how do you think bodies like their's can exist within the natural world? Huh? Those hips? Those thighs? Those....hmmmm....breasts? They can't man! It's simply not natural! But they've achieved it! But by diabolical means, my friend! It seems that they mantain their vigour and youth and deeeeeeeeelicious bodies by drinking the cerebro-spinal fluid of virile young men like you and me...." He turned to me then and removed the raspberry lollipop from his mouth with a sucking noise...waving the treat at me... "I tell you man, they lure innocent young men into the caves and then take them to their dungeons...holding them until their devious ceremonies in which they gather in all their numbers and feast upon us....cerebro-spinal fluid and *gulp*...other parts that they apparently chop off...fry in batter and serve with ice-cream!" he rasped in sepulchural tones. He popped the lollipop back into his mouth and crouched to yell back out the window in the door. "HAAARPIES!! SUCCUBI!! DEVIL-SPAWN!!" he screamed out thru the door with venom.

I stood up finally and dusted myself off. I was also covered in dirt and grime. "So....you were lured into the cave yourself? Floowing three gorgeous woman who beckoned you into a cave?"

Venkman turned to me suddenly "Ummmmm.....errrrr....no....no.....I was ....ummmm.....exploring the geological features of the caves around the beaches of Australia when I was viciously ambushed examining some...ummm...stalagmites....yeah...yeah...that sounds good". And he turned back to the window in the door. "Now...please...before we're carved up like Christmas turkey...lay on the floor and scream for the love of Pete"

So I did. And while I screamed and clutched at my head Venkman yelled out the window...."...hey! hey! There's a guy in here screaming and clutchin' his noggin!!! I think he's got a tumour or one of those burst blood vessel type things! pretty bad! He's in pain here! He's bashing his head against the grooooouuuund! Ruining your merchandise!!..." suddenly I heard a key in the lock and Venkman stepped back as the door swang open and a voluptuous blonde walked in with a bunch of keys hanging from her thong bikini bottoms. Venkman slammed the door behind her then and quickly grabbed the woman from behind...wrapping his arms around her. "For God's sake! Grab the keys man!" he yelled, struggling with the sex-goddess in his arms. I quickly did so...and then jumped back against the wall as Venkman grappled with the virtually-naked woman. "Thou foul temptress! Lure me into a cave with false promises will ya!" and Venkman then gripped her neck in a style I have only ever seen before on Star Trek episodes...and she collapsed unconscious to the floor. Venkman stepped over her and reached for the keys from me. He then walked to the door he had slammed shut and unlocked it from the inside...he then walked out and beckoned for me to follow. I did so quickly as he slammed the door behind me again and locked the woman inside what was once our prison-cell.

"Allllrighty now...." Venkman popped the keys into the pocket of the large coat he had grabbed on his way out, then turned and pointed to one of three tunnels leading off into the distance...."...run down that tunnel and do not stop until you are far from these accursed caves and their population of brain-juice-drinking-sick-fritter-eating-temptresses!! Run until you hit the beach and keep on running! I'll follow you in a sec'...but if I don't make it out...tell the world what has happened here! Cause if I survive...I will!!!" and with that I started to make my way to the tunnel he had pointed out....when suddenly around twelve of the near-naked succubi ran from another tunnel armed with whips and chains... Venkman turned to me and screamed "RRRUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!"...I didn't need to be told twice...and I vanished down the tunnel...my last sight being that of Venkman throwing his coat over one of the women blinding her, and then tripping her over while he ran headlong into the oncoming throng of bikini devils. My ears rang with his battle cry of "EEEEERRRRRRRRRAAAAARRRRRGGHHH!" as he assumed a Karate stance and deftly started kicking and punching before being swamped by a wall of curvy, silky, womanly flesh....I ran...I ran and ran until I reached the beach and then my apartment....and that....that is my story.

That is why I sat in shock for three days without speaking....eating...moving...

Why I will warn the world about the voluptuous, beautiful omen that roam the Australian beaches with their hungry eyes

Why I will never stare and drool at another shapely, near-naked babe ever again......