Turfies.
Original Post : "any turfies around?"
****No sooner had the question been asked when around the corner of
the very block you live on screams a blue van with
the words "Venkman does The Garden" written in floral print on the side
and covered in stenciled vines. The van comes to an
abrupt halt outside your house, and the drivers side door opens, and
there stands Venkman wearing blue coveralls and Doc
Martens. "Howdy", he says, and walks up offering his hand....you go to
shake it but it's covered in dirt and grime....he looks
down at his hand after you refuse to take it..."Aw Geeze, sorry mate,
been workin' in the garden today...as usual eh?" *nudge,
wink* Wipes his hands with a handkerchief. And then wipes the sweat from
his brow, leaving a great muddy streak across his
forehead. "Allllrighty, lets see..." produces clipboard from no
where..."weeds, worms, roses, circada, jungle bunnies...ah! here
we go...." looks at you and grins, then softly growls " ..TUUUUUURF".
Throws clipboard over his shoulder and beckons you
to the back of the van. As you follow you notice dirty great muddy
handprints on the backside of his coveralls. As he opens
the back of the van with a flourish he notices you examining the
suspicious markings..."Ummm....Miss Stevens down the road
needed her flower checked, she ahhh...tripped on a root and saved
herself from a naaaaaaasty tumble by grabbing my butt for
support...." Venkman pauses and appears thoughtful, still gripping the
open van doors "Yeah...yeah...that's right...she
fell....annnnnyway...behold! Though turf fantasies have come to
fruition" And reaching inside Venkman grabs a metre square
container of dirt laden with a covering of fresh, lush grass....
"MMMMMM, I LUV the smell of grass in the morning" he screams...and
then stares at you, holding the dish with one hand
while running his fingers through the green, green
grass..."Wanna.....touch it?" he says, upper lip trembling and eyebrow
cocked...he offers it to you. You look concerned but then run a hand
thru the turf briefly....Venkman gives a little sigh as you
do so... "Ain't it grand, my friend, don't it just feel
soooo...........green?" He then puts the dish on the ground and steps
into it
with his boots on. Then steps off, "Voila!" he screams as the 'crushed'
grass springs back to life...he drops to the ground and
touches the tips of the blades, head on the ground as he regards the
majestic vegetation..."so...simple...yet so....pure, vibrant,
rich...this is THE grass of the future my friend...developed by ME...Dr.
Venkman, in my own secret green house on top of
'Danger Peak' in the 'Very Scary Mountain Range' near Wagga
Wagga.......it has taken me years, but it is READY~!
READY I SAY! For every front yard, backyard, window box, park AND golf
course in the world! It's as quick and lush as
any putter could want! And withstands the heavy knocks of the mighty
Wood!" Venkman gets golf stick from back of van and
starts to beat the container..."SEE! YOU SEE! IT LIIIIIIIIIIVES!" he
cries maniacally...."LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVES!"
You start to back away as he once again climbs into the container and
starts jumping up and down furiously, spitting thru
clenched teeth "Lives, Lives, Lives, Lives, Lives, etc etc....."
As you turn and run Venkman looks up and frowns..."HEY! WAIT! I
haven't shown you the "antidote" to my super-grass!
My genetically altered snail! The 'Turf-Killer!" A snail the size of a
Labrador oozes from the back of the van as Venkman
watches you run into the distance....
"Hmmmf....well, Fido, old buddy....what's next?" Produces clipboard as
he pushes the snail back into the back and closes
the doors, leaning on them to read ...."Ahhhhh, roaches! Sparky, it's
your turn to shine!" he says and throws away another
clipboard...
Inside the van a metallic scratching can be heard and the van
rocks....a massive insectoid leg crashes thru one of the vans
rear windows as it starts and takes off down the road.....