CAST :
Narrator : Angela Maiuto
Mr. Byrne : Danny Kelly.
Mr. Haley : Paul O'Bree.
P.A. System : Shana Lovell.
Year 12 : Speaking Parts (Bernadette Smith, Angela Maiuto, Tony Weir, Sharna Cole, John Dagge, Nigel Keath, Cathy Garro, Kathy McInerney and Adam Palmer) The rest of the class (Kathrina Bognar, Anne Bugeja, Rebecca Day, Ash Lawry, Emma Miller, Jo Polydorou and Jake Stewart).

Narrator : Home Room. Mr Byrne enters, and he is not in a good mood. This is unusual, because he is usually chirpy, amicable, and most communicative; acting as a true leader to his students. He walks in, (on time as usual) and throws his books down. Then places his head in his hands. He runs his fingers through his hair and is dismayed when large clumps are detached from his scalp.

Mr. Byrne : DAMN! &*@$%!! Did it again!
(reaches for his suitcase and places hair inside with the rest. This shall be known as 'the hair joke' and shall be used throughout.)

Narrator : A bizarre ritual for Mr. Byrne is his habit of counting the students rather than the more orthodox calling of names. We have never enquired about this, merely accepted it as reality.

Mr Byrne : Four missing. Who are they?

Bernadette : Nigel's here Mr. B. We just stun-gunned him; he's over in the corner. (Points to Nigel). It was necessary to prevent him smashing Adam's skull against the wall. Adam took his milk.

Adam : Milk is good. Mmmmm, milk.

Cathy G : Emma's stuck on the ferris wheel; pinned on some protruding, screw type things, not unlike the crucifixion of our Lord Jesus - bless him.

Angela : No, the firemen got her down from there remember, even though she didn't want to leave. She's not here because her brand of hair dye "Shades of Chunky" is faulty, and the peroxide and flourescent pink have mixed, soaking in to make Emma this sort of vacant, empty zombie that can't stop telling blonde jokes.

Sharna C : Ha HA! Joke : Funny.

Tony : SHUT UP WOMAN! (Completely psycho. Violent)

Adam : (brandishes stun gun) Happy Tony! Calm yourself! Breath! Back to the womb! (turns to Mr B) Danny isn't here.

Mr B : I have maths today and Danny's absence will make it pleasing. I do not appreciate his cynical and tactless behaviour. I know, maybe he's walking Shana to school. He certainly admires her walking style.

Kathy Mc : Mr Byrne! Nobody is supposed to mention that sickening obsession thing he has for the Lovell.

Mr B : Ooops, slip of the tongue.

Kathy : Shana's the fourth one absent anyway, she must still be walking to school.

Mr B : That's disgusting! Okay, notices for today (long pause). Nothing that concerns you. Of course, that's because noone in the almighty hierachy likes you. Oh no!!! (repeat hair joke) You're not supposed to know about the conspiracy thing. This news jeopardises the experiment. (talks to watch) Code red, Code red. Burn the files, Pink Squirrel, burn them.

Cathy : No one likes us? What do you mean? What about the masses and masses of priveledges. The fridge! The Kettle! The study room! (breaks down)

Adam : (stun guns Cathy and then hugs gun, stroking it) You're my baby, yes you are! Yes you are! (puts gun to ear and listens) What's that? You want me to shoot someone? What? Shoot Mr Byrne? No, not now. Later, my pet, later.

Mr B : Okay Year 12's....(pause) What is that? (points to some object hidden in room) OH MY GOD! IT'S A... IT'S A...

Year 12's : What, Mr B, what is it?

Mr B : It's a ba...It's a ba... (speech reminiscent of Christy Brown from My Left Foot in animalistic attempt to form communication)

Bernadette : Bag, Mr B?

Mr B : (breaks down in horror) YES! A BAG!

Bernadette : Christ, where is it? Everyone knows his phobia about (spells out ) B..A..G..S being in the classrooms. Someone get rid of it.

Kathy : Mr Byrne? Are you okay? There there, Matt. Let it out, release your fears.

Mr B : Is it gone?

Bernadette : Yes, for good. Your safe.

Mr B : I mean (in teary voice) I was just sitting here, you know, and I looked up and it was there! Just there! A monstrous marone shape just staring at me, waiting for me to falter. It's an animal! AN ANIMAL! (Bill Murray in Quick Change) I'll be alright...just give me a minute. (long breath) Okay Yr 12. I've heard some disturbing things - again - about your study classes. Apparently they are all true, but I denied them with all my heart and soul. Just as I deny that eeewwww (shakes with revulsion) horrific Boort retreat incident. You know, shuffle, shuffle, deal deal, Hey an ace, strip strip.

Bernadette : Oh, c'mon Mr B. We saw you in the bushes with the binoculars. You adored that retreat incident. You were jealous of our youth and spontaneity, and yet in a wicked perverse way...excited by it.

Mr B : I know. Every time I hear the words "Over 21! Busted! Take it off!"....mmmm busted (realises he is talking aloud. Regains composure.) Well, in any case, as far as I'm concerned it never happened. For effect I will groan to express my distaste for your puerile teenage minds. GROAN. Your tendency to spend a great deal of time discussing the birds and the bees - strange and imaginative birds and bees mind you - forces me to take action.

Angela : But what of the biological implications Sir?

Mr B : I don't teach biology, and as you know, I have little acknowledgement of anything that does not concern me. I prefer the blissful ecstacy I find it calculus - the man's math. Mmmmm, man's math (picks up maths book and caresses it).

Angela : Great, he's doing it again (clicks fingers in Mr B's face)

Mr B : Sorry. It's just that...I was thinking about....her.

Adam : Look, Mr Byrne, you have to get over her. Tina Arena dumped you, she's moved on to bigger, better things.

Sharna C : She's such a good singer though

Tony : SHUT UP COW! You just keep going on and on and on. I can't take it anymore! (reinact Adam calming Tony "Happy Tony, Clam Blue Ocean, Calm..")

ENTER MR HALEY

Year 12's Together : Hey Mr Haley!

Mr Haley : Hi Everybody! (Like Dr. Nick Riviera on The Simpsons) I'm just here to take a look at my accounting class. Ahhh, there you are boys. I love you guys.

John Dagge : Cut it out Haley. We told you, adore us in private only.

Mr Haley : Ahhh, shucks. Without you I have nothing...except for the ...(quiet tone) TAB. But she won't let me do it anymore. The horses was all I had and she took them from me. "Don't do it Tony" she'd say "You're a married man now. You have responsibilities." But I can still smell that horsey smell, and hear their delightful whinnys as they frantically gallop down the last leg. She can't take that away from me. (starts jabbering as he begins to leave) It's okay my babies; my horseys; my bread-winners! I'll come back for you, as God is my witness! I will bet again!

Angela : Hey, Mr Haley...wanna Mintie?

Haley : Thanks Ango! (exit)

Mr B : That man's just got no dignity. What a waste. Anyway, in Religious Education today we will be studying the moral controversy of student-teacher relationships. You all know my position on the issue.

Kathy : Well Ango sure knows your position. What was it Mr B? The day in R.E. roleplay...knee-high boots, clinging velvet...Or your erotic dance together at the formal? Or was it, her uncanny resemblance to Tina?

Mr B : (breaks down again. Hair joke) Tina, Tina, TINA!!! Why have you forsaken me? Where can I find solace when I am attacked on all sides by the leaders of tomorrow? (gets out flask and has a drink)

Tony : What's that Mr Byrne?

Mr B : Huh? Oh, it's um....sparkling mineral water. Yes, yes, that sounds good...sparkling mineral water.

Tony : What's with the color of it?

Mr B : Ummmm (thinks hard) Oh ...the naivety of youth - don't you people realise that in the wild, where the elephants dance and the tigers pee, that water isn't actually refreshingly clear? You fools! (sips again, tensing as the sting hits) Ahhhh...sweet liquor eases the pain. God! If only I lived the life of sweet abandon I religiously watch on Melrose place.

John D : MMMM Melrose Place. Hey, Mr Byrne, you still have to give me back the tape I lent to you of last week's episode. You know, the one where Sydney realises that Jake's brother is not as innocent as he appears to be.

Mr B : God I wish that I was like Jake or that gay character, what a great role model for the younger generation he is.

John D : Yes. Matt the Gay teaches me not to be afraid of my feminine side, and to learn to accept people for their personal character, not judge them according to any differences they may possess.

Kathy : Did someone say Matt? Mmmmm Matt. The older they get, the tastier. mmmm, tasty Matt.

Mr B : You Yr 12's have about as many love-trips as they do on Melrose. God Kath, you've been through every guy in the class and now you're moving on to their fathers. And for the past two years I've had to handle, with my amazing counselling skills, the hectic love-hate relationship of Tony and Sharna.

Sharna C : MR BYRNE!!

Tony : AHHHHH! I'M GOING TO....DISEMBOWEL YOU!! (leaps for Sharna's neck)

Mr B : Cut it out you two! Sharna, didn't you find another little man at some party? A bit of puppy love? Bern, do you know who it was?

Bernadette : What party? I never went to that party. That was someone else curled up in a foetus position drooling Tequila.

Mr B : (rolls eyes) Of course it was. Now I remember, Sharna and John-boy; Kath and Ashley. Ashley, you're amazing, you don't even have any teeth. Did you have teeth the night of the Robinvale exchange social? My sources tell me you did! GOD! You Year 12's and your rabbit-like activities! It depresses me. My own life would be so empty...without the bottle (another glug of drink)

Cathy G : I don't know Mr Byrne. Your life seems to be a constant tale of intellectual discovery...in fact, we liken it to the excitement of Indiana Jones. Didn't you disarm a nuclear warhead in a middle eastern country just the other day?

Mr B : Yes Cathy, I did. I had traveled there for the weekend and suddenly found myself caught up in an intense political situation involving highly trained assassins and a stunning leading lady. Thanks to my experience in the MacKillop College mini-bus, driving the Agriculture students around whilst smelling like chicken blood, I successully drove such a vehicle through a minefield, through town and into the guts of a shopping complex, to disarm the device found in the central fountain. It's all in my new book, which includes Physics anecdotes, called - 'The Way the Wind Works' (holds up book) And with Xmas just around the corner, don't forget my board game either - 'The Game of Byrne'. But wait, there's more....

Before he can continue, Nigel stirs, groaning, before his eyes snap open

Mr B : Oh NO! It's alive! Everybody stand back! I'll save you... (crumples a bit of paper and feebly throws it at Nigel, but alas, the creature is not slowed)

Adam : DIE SCUM! (shoots stun gun)

Mr B : He's still coming!

Adam shoots repeatedly before Nigel finally falls

Mr B : Thank God! (looks at class) What? You think I'm joking? THANK GOD!

Everyone mumbles prayers and Amens

Mr B : In further news, the teachers have decided to eliminate all students and work with robots instead. Mr O'Bree has already whipped us up a couple of beauties in his spare time, in fact, I think all he's being paid for these days is spare time! Anyway, we've had teachers working with them. Mrs Waldron is the control teacher, if it wasn't for the fact that she keeps making modifications as they work, all would be fine. Her fiddling is quite disturbing.

Kathy : Wasn't it a robot that was attacking Miss Myers and Miss Mugavin the other day?

Mr B : No. That was me.

Public Announcement System : Attention Staff and Students, please excuse this interruption. We would just like to announce that we love this microphone. It gives us a chance to interrupt the day to day functioning of your classes. THE POWER! Thankyou.

Mr B : Okay, now...

P.A. System : Attention staff and students.....(pause) ..thankyou.

Mr B : As I was about to say....

P.A. System : Please excuse this interruption staff and students, this is a test of the PA system. 3, 2, 1....How now brown cow. The cheese is green. The Crying Game is a crap movie. Hormones Rule. Thankyou.

Mr B : (says nothing)

Mr B : (nope. still saying nothing)

Mr B : (there is a growing uncomfortability in the silence, as Mr B realises how stupid he is beginning to appear, waiting for the PA system to interrupt him again. There is coughing and fidgeting) Okay....moving right along...

PA System : HA HA! Got ya Byrnesy! Okay, serious now, we'll shut up....

Mr B : (hair joke, drink) Okay, we're coming to the end of home-room....

PA System : ...Except for when we say, could Sharna Cole please come to the office. Sharna Cole. Spelt S...H...A...R..N....A....C...O...L...E. (Mr Byrne is banging his head on the table) Sharna Cole, short, giggly girl, born (insert date of birth)...please come to the office now.

Sharna C : I'm just going to the office Mr Byrne.

Tony : NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! It's all falling apart! Everything is crumbling down on top of me! Your voice! It's eating me up inside! (sobbing for pathetic wretch)

Mr B : For the next few minutes you may talk amongst yourselves. Anyone talking to me must refer to me as "Colonel Colon". Thankyou.

Bernadette : Sorry, Colonel Colon, just before we finish. Am I still your pet?

Mr B : Yes. And I'll reinforce that during Maths by asking you to back me up when I find a solution to any problem, mathematical or otherwise...

Angela : Mr Byrne, do you...

Mr B : I told you - Colonel Colon.

Angela : Sorry, Colonel Colon. What about John-boy?

Mr B : Hmmm, tough question. I've often wondered how I've managed to favor a select few students over others, and then further complicate the situation by making all these elite seem to be my pet simultaneously. It's because in reality they are my army of darkness, my brainwashed slaves. Danny suspected it, I guess he started investigating after the suspicion surrounding the 'school captain' vote count, that's why I'm alienating him so effectively. Democracy my ass! HA HAAAAAAAA!

Bernadette : He's right! I've seen Danny's work! Our fears of a conspiracy are justified! We cannot hope to do anything about it, it goes all the way to Canberra.

Angela : MMmmm, Canberra.

Mr Haley walks back into the Year 12 Home-room

Mr Haley : Hi everybody!

Year 12's : HEEEEY. MR HAAAAAAALEY!

Mr Haley : Year 12's, postcard for you. I picked it up at the post office.

Kathy : Hey Haley, don't you have to walk past the TAB to get to the post office?

Mr Haley : I don't know! How would I know? Why does everybody expect me to know every little detail about the landscape of Swan Hill's shops? Where's the race-track? Where do the horses live? What is this "Horse of the Month" magazine doing under the mattress? How come the sugar-cubes and apples keep disappearing from the kitchen? Get off my back, all of you! Anyone got a mintie?

Angela : Here you go! (hands him Mintie coated with noxious tasting substance, turns to audience) How many times can the schmuck fall for it?

Bernadette : (reads the postcard aloud) Hey! The postcards from Danny! He's in Canberra! He's found the evidence he's been looking for. It seems Mr B's responsible for the Kennedy assassination in America too! And Watergate! And Harold Holt!

Year 12 together : HAROLD HOLT?!

Bernadette : If Danny wasn't so distracted by Shana Lovell, he would also find evidence for our beloved principal, Mr Kenny, being involved as well. My God! It's all true! We've been told so many lies!

Adam : (standing and pointing stun gun) IT'S MILLER TIME!

Sharna C : Oh, the humanity!

Tony : SHUT UP YOU BACTERIAL INFECTION!! YOU PARASITE!!

Adam shoots Tony and then points the stun gun back at Mr Byrne

Adam : Confess! Confess that our paranoia isn't just the endless, stale, mould-ridden coffee in our common-room affecting our minds!

Cathy G : Confess that you alone are the mastermind behind the Cold War! Tall Poppy Syndrome! Paradise Beach! The Assassination of Fat Cat, chilhood idol to many of us! Decaf Coffee! The annoying plastic rings around the top of milk containers!

Kathy : Post-natal depression! Tupperware! AIDS! Dustin Hoffman!

Angela : Everything! It's all you, isn't it Byrnesy?

Mr B : That's Colonel Colon, dammit! Yes! Yes, it's all me! And there's nothing you can do about it!

Adam : That's where you're wrong, Math Man! (shoots stun gun, slow motion collapse of Mr B)

Narrator : And yet again the world is a safer place, a democratic nation with cake for all! And as Year 12's turn their eyes to the sunny horizon and apply their 15+ sun-lotion, they can look forward to a brighter furture. A happier tomorrow. Damn, who writes this stuff?