The Truth About Men
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.How do you get a man to exercise?
Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces.What's the difference between a typical man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.Why are dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them.How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. Men will screw anything.What's a mans idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know. It's never happened.Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.If men got pregnant....
Abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive through windows.How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.