ALIEN: I am Zoog, a homicidal extradimensional creature. If you come any closer, I will be forced to destroy you.
PARIS: Sounds like it could be a trap Captain.
JANEWAY: Yes, but the Prime-directive says that we should
meet with all lifeforms and try and meddle with their
lives.
PARIS: The Prime-directive doesn't say that at all.
JANEWAY: Then obviously the rules need changing. Prepare for
intercept.
PARIS: But isn't that dangerous? The alien said he would kill
us.
JANEWAY: Would you believe everything a homicidal xenophobic
alien says? Now prepare for warp speed.
[Explosions rock the deck]
PARIS: The alien ship is firing at us.
JANEWAY: Nonsense. They are just warning shots, and due to
the alien's obviously primitive technology, they are
all accidentally hitting us.
PARIS: Our shields are going down. We have to do something.
JANEWAY: Oh very well. Prepare a boarding party to be beamed
across to the enemy vessel. Remember, these are
primitive aliens, so in all fairness we should give
them more of a chance by going across unarmed.
[Minutes later a team consisting of Paris, Janeway and a bunch
of red-shirts is assembled and beamed across. The red-shirts
are all shot on arrival, leaving only Paris and Janeway, who
are ushered in to see the alien]
ALIEN: I spared your lives only because you two look vaguely
familiar.
JANEWAY: Now I remember you. Paris.. there's something I
didn't tell you. Remember that time when we devolved
into reptiles and ended up having sex?
PARIS: Was that before or after the time the man-eating squid
from Sargasso 7 infiltrated the control deck by
disguising itself as Neelix's wig?
JANEWAY: After that, but before we discovered that pop-corn
developed intelligence after being bombarded by
Y-rays, and so we placed a ban on the eating of all
corn related products and found a planet which the
newly sentient popcorn could call its own.
PARIS: Oh yeah. Now I remember.
JANEWAY: Well, what I didn't tell you was that I got pregnant.
I left the ship in a shuttle, and then suddenly
picked up an excess of tachyons, which caused my
shuttle to go a thousand years into the past. After
giving birth, another freak tachyon storm pulled me
back into the future. This alien is our lovechild.
[Paris looks alien up and down]
PARIS: I think he takes after your side of the family.
ALIEN: Mommy?
JANEWAY: Hello son. Meet your father.
ALIEN: Daddy?
PARIS: Uh.. Shouldn't we be going now?
JANEWAY: But first, alien, would you be able to help us get
back to the ALPHA quadrant?
ALIEN: As soon as you get back on board the voyager, we will
send you equipment technology, and everything that you
could ever ask for, since our power is so great that we
could destroy a Borg cube if we wished.
JANEWAY: OK. I guess we should be heading back now. Good to
see you again son.
[Janeway and Paris teleport back to bridge]
JANEWAY: Now that we have their confidence, and they have
lowered their shields, we will be able to take them
by surprise.
PARIS: But I thought they were going to help us? With their
technology, we could return to the ALPHA quadrant, and
defeat the Borg.
JANEWAY: And are you going to believe a homicidal xenophobe?
PARIS: But he sounded sincere.
JANEWAY: That's the best way of tricking people into believing
you.. by telling the truth. That way no one can pick
holes in your story.. but I see through his deceitful
plot.
PARIS: But he's our son.
JANEWAY: There are some sacrifices you just have to make. Fire
photon torpedos.
[Unshielded ship gets blown to oblivion]
[End of story]
