Many Swanson County residents have reported the existence of mysterious circular patterns in local fields. The patterns of flattened grain or vegetables, which seem to appear overnight in isolated areas, are often associated with UFO sightings. Experts are baffled by the phenomenon. Dr. B.P. "Burpee" Dixon, Swanson County Vo-Tech's professor of Agricultural Parapsychology, stated, "We don't know what's causing them. Crop circles in other parts of the world usually appear in wheat fields, but very few of the Swanson County circles are made of wheat. Most of ours are in fields of soybeans, cotton, or corn, though there have been reports of cows found lying in a circle." Dr. Dixon refused to confirm reports that the cattle in question had been mutilated.
A spokesman for the Swanson County sheriff's department, who asked to remain anonymous, also refused to link the mutilated cattle with crop circles or UFO's. "We believe that we are close to an arrest in the wave of cattle mutilations in Swanson County," he said. "The FBI did a personality profile on the perpetrator for us. Their study indicates that this individual is a crazed veterinarian who specializes in plastic surgery. He seems to be obsessed with giving nose jobs to farm animals, whether they want them or not. Someone like that shouldn't be hard to find." The officer would not confirm that undercover sheriff's department personnel, dressed similarly to previous victims, have been placed in barnyards around the county to act as decoys in an attempt to trap this criminal.
At press time, there was no hard evidence to confirm previously reported sightings of "Goatzilla," the fugitive radioactive farm animal, in areas where crop circles later appeared.