Say goodbye to not knowing when the truth in my whole life began
Say goodbye to not knowing how to cry, you taught me that...


And I'll remember the strength that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you saved me...
          --Madonna



Chapter 9:  REMEMBER


          Ace ducked into a corner, her heart triphammering in her chest. 
She pressed herself against the wall, trying to vanish into the shadows. 
She held her breath as the patrol passed by, not two feet from her.  She
heard them disappear through the double doors into another corridor.  She
released her breath, saying a quick grateful prayer for lack of peripheral
vision.
          She eased back into the corridor and looked both ways.  They
appeared identical.  Eenie, meenie, chili beanie...  
          Unfortunately, she was quite lost.  She'd tried to follow Mona's
directions but the door at the base of the stairs had been magnetically
sealed and she'd had to take the long way around and hadn't been able to
find her way back.  At the moment she was on the third floor, surrounded by
what looked like storage rooms.  She felt extremely conspicuous, dressed in
a charcoal-gray combat suit in a white, sterile world.  She hadn't seen
anyone around but that didn't mean they weren't there.  I need some
camouflage, she thought.  It had worked before...


****


          "I do have my doubts about this plan."
          "Be quiet and think like a bush, sweetie."
          The Doctor sighed.  "You know I hate it when you call me 'sweetie.'"
          "Why do you think I do it?"
          Charters frowned.  "This has got to be the oldest trick in the
book, McShane," he whispered.
          "Of course it is, the only tricks that live long enough to be old
tricks are the ones that work."  She crouched down behind the cut branches
and got a good grip.  "Now remember...move when they're not looking, then
drop and freeze when they are.  I'll tell you when.  Keep your heads down." 
She peered through the branches at the two guards near the rear entrance,
their figures highlighted through the lenses of her night-vision glasses. 
"Now!" she hissed, the the three of them scurried towards the bunker,
crouched behind foliage.  "Stop!" she whispered and they dropped to the
ground and froze.  They repeated the process, moving towards the side wall
of the bunker out of view of the guards until they were against the wall.  
          Ace and the Doctor exchanged a glance.  "Ready?" he mouthed.  She
nodded.  Charters hung back a little, waiting for a cue.  At some tacit
signal between them that he could not see, Ace stole out from behind the
foliage, silent as the grave, and the Doctor followed.  Charters poked his
head around the wall and watched as Ace quietly dispatched the guards, one
with some kind of neck pinch and the other with a small stun device hidden
in the palm of her hand.  This took no more than ten seconds but by the
time she was finished the Doctor had hotwired the bunker doors and they
slid open.  They each grasped one of the guards and dragged them inside. 
Charters ducked into the dim bunker as the Doctor resealed the doors.
          "You two are quite a team," he commented softly.  Ace and the
Doctor exchanged a quick low-five.  She drew out her blaster, drawing a
frown from him.
          "I don't think you'll need that," he said.
          "I err on the side of caution."
          The Doctor leaned towards Charters.  "Ace has a bit of a fetish
for firepower," he said in a conspiratorial whisper.
          She shot him a look.  "Funny...he never complains when it saves
his arse," she said to Charters.  "Now where's this terminal?"
          "In the annex, on the far side of the complex."
          "Then let's get going."


****


          I'd better get going, she thought as she checked her watch.  An
hour left until Romana and God knows who else showed up here and all hell
broke loose.
          Ace moved carefully down the dark, deserted corridors.  She
hadn't seen anyone since the patrol passed her by but she was taking no
chances, keeping close to the wall and avoiding the gaze of the
wall-mounted cameras.  She came around a corner to some kind of
receptionist's area.  She glanced around and saw what she was looking
for...a floor directory.  She read down the list, mostly offices and
storage rooms, but then she found a listing for an employee's lounge.  She
smiled to herself.  Perfect.  She found the lounge door, drew her lockpicks
out of the seams of her combat suit and went to work.  She'd done this a
thousand times and her mind began to wander in spite of herself.


****


          "NOOOOOO!" Ace screamed as she saw a pulse round strike Sonja in
the stomach.  She grabbed the nearest vine and swung down from her perch
high in the mammoth nanja tree.  She jumped to the ground, disregarding the
pulse rounds that were still streaking through the air.  She felt one
strike her thigh, but it could not penetrate her combat suit.  Sonja's
troops went on fighting, grim-faced...they'd seen their leader fall.
          Ace knelt by the woman's side.  Violet blood was flowing from the
wound and trickling from Sonja's mouth.  Ace tore a chunk from Sonja's
tunic and pressed it to the wound.  C'mon, Doctor, she thought as she tried
to stop the bleeding.  Don't leave us in the lurch.  As if on cue, the
ground rumbled and a huge explosion rocked the Kree headquarters.  Everyone
froze for a moment, watching as flames and smoke billowed out of the side
of the cylindrical building that stood about half a mile away.  The Kree
troops collapsed into chaos.  Ace watched them run, a grim look of
satisfaction on her face...the Doctor must have succeeded in taking out the
Kree central battle coordination computer, which meant the Kree soldiers
could not draw energy for their pulse rifles.  Sonja's troops advanced,
whooping and hollering, victory in sight, anxious to avenge their leader's
injury.
          Ace pulled Sonja onto her lap and pulled more fabric off the
uniform of a soldier who had fallen nearby.  "Stay with me, Sonja.  You're
going to be all right," she said.
          Sonja's eyelids fluttered.  "Did it work...?" she croaked.
          Ace swiped her bloodstained free hand across her nose and
sniffled.  "Yes...yes it worked.  The Kree are retreating, their battle
computer is destroyed."  She smiled as best she could and smoothed back
Sonja's matted black hair.  "It was a good idea," she whispered.
          Sonja smiled back, weakly.  "It was, wasn't it?"  She grimaced
and coughed a bit, moaning from the pain.  "Tell...Armand...he's in charge
now...he knows what to do..."
          Ace shook her head and reapplied pressure to Sonja's wound.  "No,
you're still in charge, you're going to be fine." 
          Sonja shook her head.  "It's okay...Ace..." she said dreamily. 
She was drifting away.  "S'okay...we did...we did it...s'over..."
          Ace lightly slapped her cheeks, feeling helpless.  "No, Sonja! 
Stay with me, here...you listen to me, a martyr's death is well overrated! 
That's not for you, you hear me?"  Sonja's eyes drifted shut.  Ace shook
her.  "No, you hang on!"
          "Freedom..." Sonja breathed, a smile creasing her bloody lips. 
She gave one last breath and then slumped in Ace's arms.  Ace shut her
eyes, cursing the entire situation for taking the life of this strong,
courageous woman.
          She looked up as someone approached, crashing through the bushes. 
The Doctor stumbled into the clearing, winded and half-panicked.  He
stopped and breathed a sigh of relief as he saw her.  "Ace.  Thank
goodness, when you didn't come to the headquarters I feared you'd been hurt
and some of the men said that you'd been hit..."  He broke off as Ace
leaned back and he could see Sonja's body.  "Oh no," he said softly, coming
to kneel beside her.
          "She's dead," Ace said unnecessarily, her voice flat.  "She
didn't make it."
          The Doctor laid a hand on Ace's shoulder.  "I'm sorry.  I know
you'd become fond of her."
          Ace shook his hand off, casting an angry glance at him.  "She was
a *real* hero."  She laid Sonja gently on the forest floor.  "It didn't
have to be this way.  I told you to take out the battle computer a week ago
when we first got here!  This could have been over then!"
          He looked back down at Sonja's body, his face sad.  "You know
that would have been wrong, Ace.  We can't fight their battles for them.  I
only agreed to help Sonja destroy the computer after she'd had the idea
herself...and even that was pushing the envelope a tad.  For us to swoop
down and win their war for them wouldn't have been right."
          "But she would have lived to enjoy her freedom!"
          "Do you think she could have enjoyed it knowing that she didn't
win it for herself?"
          Ace stood and began to pace.  The Doctor steeled himself.  He
knew his wife's moods and she was working herself up into a proper
explosion.  "Oh, let's split a few hairs!  She got them this far!  If it
weren't for her they would never have been this close in the first place!"
          He just looked at her.  She knew he was right, but it was hard to
accept when faced with the death of someone so deserving of life.  She
stopped pacing and took a deep breath, looking sadly down at Sonja.  The
Doctor stood up and went to her.  "It grieves me that Sonja died.  She was
an extraordinary woman...but I was so afraid when I thought you'd been
hurt," he said, laying a hand on her face and stroking his thumb across her
cheek, "that right now I can't help just feeling grateful that you're all
right."
          Ace looked at him for a moment, then covered his hand with one of
hers.  He pulled her into his arms and they embraced there beneath the
canopy of trees.


****


          The employee's lounge door popped open and Ace pushed inside and
shut the door behind her, relaxing slightly but feeling remorseful at that
memory of Sonja's death.  It had been six or seven months ago but she still
thought often of the Fel-Kree freedom fighter, had even visited her grave
on Krenar once.  She wondered what Sonja would think of the situation she
was in at the moment.  She'd probably have scolded both of them and told
them to get their heads out of their collective arses.  Ace smiled to
herself at this image.  No doubt not a few of their friends would have
liked to give them a similar talking-to.  Ace had been to see Tegan since
the separation and the UNIT operative had been suitably indignant.  Ace
missed Tegan, who was a kindred spirit in more ways than one.


****


          "Nice of you to join us, Jensen," Tegan snapped as the hapless
sargeant took his seat in the back.  Ace smiled to herself and continued
the lecture.
          "Now this," she said, lifting a smooth metallic oblong container,
"is a classic large-scale weapon used by the Sontarans from time to time. 
Any guesses as to what it is?"
          "A bomb?"
          Ace made a face.  "You can do better than that."
          "Nuclear device?"
          "Biogenetic weapon?"
          A number of other guesses were put forth, none of them correct. 
"Some good tries, but wrong all around.  It's a very nasty little
bugger...an atmospheric plasma ignition charge."  The UNIT soldiers looked
at one another, puzzled.  "I'll explain."  She set the cylinder down on the
table with the array of other weapons there.  Today was WMD day...weapons
of mass destruction.  Her least favorite lecture.  She preferred hand-held
weapons.  "You plant this guy anywhere on a planet, head for the hills and
detonate it.  It starts a cascade plasma reaction in the planet's
ionosphere, and within ten minutes the atmosphere has been completely
burned away."  She paused to let that sink in.  The soldiers looked
suitably shocked.  "Every living thing dies...leaving the planet
depopulated but otherwise completely intact.  The Sontarans then
re-pressurize the planet.  It takes awhile but the effort is worth it." 
She checked her watch.  "That's it for today...next time, countermeasures." 
The soldiers stood up and trickled out.
          Tegan ran a hand over the atmosphereic detonator.  "Cor, that's a
sweet piece," she commented.  "Ruthless, but you can't deny its elegance."
          Ace was packing away her samples.  "Yeah, I guess pure evil does
have its own sort of beauty."
          Tegan sat down in one of the chairs.  This was the second time
Ace had come to UNIT to teach a weeklong seminar for all personnel on
extraterrestrial weaponry.  It was a popular class, and had proven
extremely helpful.  "So where's your dopey husband?"
          "Off talking shop with the Brig...reminiscing about the good old
days, no doubt."
          "Funny thing about those good old days," Tegan mused.
          "What's that?"
          "They're only good once they get old."  The two women
contemplated this truism for a moment, then laughed together.
          "I hope you're not discussing my cooking," said the Doctor,
coming into the room through the back door behind Ace.
          "I thought you were with Alistair," Ace said, smiling at him.  He
walked up and kissed her, just a light and casual one...what Tegan thought
of as a "hi honey" kiss.
          "He was called away.  I told him we'd come round for dinner. 
Care to join, Tegan?"
          "Yeah, that'd be lovely," she said.  She felt a flicker of
jealousy as she watched them...how easy and comfortable they were with each
other, the way her smile shone a little brighter when he entered, the way
he seemed to need to touch her when he stood near her...his hand on her
shoulder, her arm, her back.  She stood up to help Ace carry the boxes of
weapons (all of them disarmed) to the storage room.  The Doctor picked up
one as well and the three of them headed out of the classroom, their
friendly innocuous conversation echoing in the UNIT hallways.


****


          The lounge was what one might expect, a few couches, table and
chairs, food replicator, viewscreen...and another door with a frosted-glass
panel marked "Locker Room."  Ace lunged at it, hoping it wasn't locked.  It
wasn't.  She began rummaging through lockers until she found what she
sought...a long white lab coat.  She buttoned it over her combat suit and
paused to bind her ponytail up into a more scientific bun.  Better.  She
went back out to the corridor and set off to find some stairs.
          She pulled at the neck of her combat suit...it was rather warm in
here.  She ran a hand over her abdomen.  Two months.  Long way to go yet. 
Two months...she thought back two months, wondering which...Ace stopped in
the middle of the hallway for a moment and shut her eyes tight.  No, don't
think about stuff like that, she told herself sternly.  It'll only confuse
you.  She nodded briskly and continued.  Too bad that now she could think
of nothing else.


****


          Ace rolled onto her back to stare at the ceiling, breathing hard. 
Even the Doctor, usually so composed (even at times like this) was panting
a bit.
          After her heart rate had settled to normal levels she turned her
head towards him.  He did the same.  "What was in that baklava?" she
asked.
          "I have no idea.  But I think I now know why Greeks break dishes
at weddings."
          "Well, I certainly hope you kept the recipe," she teased him,
grinning.
          "I'll have it tattooed on my arm," he said, straight-faced.  Ace
burst out laughing at the idea of him going around with a baklava recipe
tattooed on his arm.  He laughed with her.  "All right, *your* arm."  That
set her off again and for a few moments they just clung to each other,
rolling with hysterics.
          After the mirth attack passed they just lay there quietly,
wrapped in each other.  The Doctor kissed her, slow and lingering, then
slipped his arms around her.  
          "Aren't you getting up?" she murmured.  He rarely stayed in bed
for any length of time, requiring little sleep and preferring to rise and
finish tasks which required his complete attention while she slept.
          "No, not tonight.  I'm staying right here."
          "That's a welcome change," she said.
          "I always seem to be rushing away," he said, his cheek against
the top of her head.  "This time I just want to lie here and hold you until
you fall asleep."
          Ace smiled against his shoulder, her heart swelling.  "I love
you," she whispered, snuggling closer to him.  "No matter what."


****


          Ace found the stairwell and started up, banging the door open
perhaps a little more forcefully than she had intended.
          no matter what
          Her own words clanged back and forth in her head like a bell's
clapper.  You did say that, he whispered to her, and you meant it.   But I
did not know then that you were going to desert me, she thought.  I did not
know then that you were only committed as long as it was convenient and I
did not know then that you never loved me.  Do you really believe that? he
said.  What else am I to believe?  Actions speak far louder than words.
          no matter what
          Ace paused on the landing between the fourth and fifth floor,
hoping she didn't run into another sealed door.  She felt like slapping
herself and would have done so if she thought it would jar her thoughts
away from things she didn't want to think about.
          i love you
          That's not the point, right now I need to get you to safety and
I'll worry about everything else later.  A good idea but impossible in
practice.  You really hate me, don't you? she heard him say sadly.
          of course not how could i hate you when you know how much i love you
          She scrunched her eyes shut as she reached the fifth-floor door. 
Her mind seemed hell-bent on betraying her intentions.  Then she heard a
new voice in her mind...sounded like Theo.  Low and clear.  The inside of
her head seemed to be turning into Heathrow on Christmas Eve.
          This is your destiny, Theo said...to be forever caught in the
crossfire between your head and your heart.
          my name is dorothy mcshane...
          Ace tried the door.  It was not sealed, just locked.  She pulled
out her lockpicks again.
          and upon my honor i promise to respect you...
          She felt the lock obediently click open, helpless beneath her
expertise.  She pushed it open...the rooms about her were numbered in the
high 500's.  She had to find 546.
          and be true to you...
          She hurried down the hall in a low crouch, making no sound,
watching the door numbers descend.  She heard footsteps approaching from a
cross corridor...she straightened up and pulled a notebook from the lab
coat's pocket.
          and protect you with my life...
          She walked casually but purposefully forward, studying the
notebook.  A short bespectacled man in a similar labcoat turned the corner
and passed her.  He didn't give her a second glance.
          i love you with everything i am...
          When he was gone she resumed her search, taking one branch
corridor that turned out to be a dead end.  Cursing under her breath, she
retraced her steps.
          and i wish to join my life with yours...        
          Her lips pressed together so tightly they disappeared into a thin
white line, Ace deliberately tried to plant an annoying song in her head to
distract her.  Yellow Submarine?  My Sharona?
          do you have the same wish?
          Room 546.  Here it was.  She would not be able to pick this lock,
but fortunately she didn't have to.
          they will be our witnesses, and they will bless our union...
          She pulled out Garner's skeleton key and slid it into the
deadbolt.  It turned with a little resistance and then the door was open.
          we can make our own future...as we've made our own past.
 

****


          Universe watched.  He always watched.  That was his only
function...observe.  All of the facts and truths of the cosmos, here for
the asking...if you knew where to look.
          He knew where to look.  He had been looking since the dawn of
time, since the first atoms spontaneously assembled out of ambient energy. 
Their coalescence had created him as well...first he alone, then his
Eternal brethren.  They were creatures of the universe, and he the
emodiment of that universe.
          She was poised on the edge.  The edge of the doorway, the edge of
freedom, the edge of risk...the edge of her own feelings.  She could go
back and be safe...or she could go forward and risk it all. 
          He was watching her because she was important.  She was
interesting...and she was known to him.  She and her situation could very
well spark a war between Guardian and Legion.  That was something worth
watching.
          He had watched them often, since their rooftop appeal for his
blessing on their union.  The blessing had been given, freely.  Now things
were different.  He had no feelings about this either way.  It was another
event to observe and catalog.
          He was aware that his inferior Eternals were talking about him. 
He had been near them more than usual, and they were beginning to sense his
presence.  To them, the Eternal Universe was a being of legend, perhaps
real and perhaps not.  A being larger, greater than themselves.  It
frightened them, and Eternals were unaccustomed to being frightened.
          They need not have been frightened.  His power was unnecessary. 
His place was not to exercise himself but to observe...observe...observe...
          Universe pulled in towards himself, for now finished with
watching her.  He receded, becoming more solid...down, down and down into
his physical body...
          Angel sucked in his breath suddenly as he returned to his
surroundings.  His body relaxed, seated in a chair in his private office. 
As always upon returning he felt keenly his own duality.  He was at once
two people...a Guardian, loyal to his friends and Theo, wanting to help
where he could.  But he was also Universe, the consumate bystander.  Not
for the first time, he wondered what had possessed him to take on a
physical form and exist in two realities...hell.  It had seemed like a good
idea at the time.


****


          Ace's breath caught in her throat and for a second she could only
stand there in the doorway, frozen.  But not for long.  Her paralysis broke
and she quickly shut the door behind her.
          He lay beneath a sheet, his skin almost matching its color save
for the purple shockflesh underneath his eyes.  An IV needle had been
inserted into his arm and he appeared to have been given some rudimentary
care, probably by Garner, who would have done what he could.
          She pulled the sheet back and gave a strangled half-sob at what
she saw.  The wounds were an angry purple, some were stitched but some were
not.  There were livid red patches on his pale skin, probably from the
extractor's plates.  She quickly covered him and laid a hand on his
forehead.  It was clammy and cold.  Her heart ached at the sight of him,
and fury at the one who had hurt him like this boiled her blood.
          His pulses were weak but stable and he was solidly unconscious. 
Still, he was probably in shock and needed treatment very soon.  But by
whom?  And how?  She felt a twinge of despair...how was she to get him out
of here?  He couldn't walk or help himself.
          She sat on a stool next to the gurney, one hand on his forehead. 
For a few moments she just sat in silence, then she took up his limp hand
in her other one.
          "How did this happen?" she whispered.  "How did we end up so far
from where we've been?"  A single tear escaped and fell on the white sheet. 
She lowered her head and shut her eyes.  "This is not my fault," she said. 
"Why do I feel responsible?"
          for better or for worse
          "It's not my fault that it's been nothing but 'worse' for the
last month."
          we've both suffered enough
          She leaned closer to him.  "You have suffered, haven't you,
Doctor?  The last month was just as terrible for you as it was for me,
wasn't it?"  She smoothed his damp hair back from his forehead.  "Why
didn't you come back sooner?  Did you try?"
          he did, i know he did
          "I shouldn't forgive you.  I should know better.  I should take a
stand and stick to it."  She screwed her face up in a grimace.  "I've been
down this road before, but I always seem to end up back with you...and
maybe this means I'm weak but I look ahead to a future without you in it,
an endless series of gray days alone..."  She paused, then slowly moved his
limp hand down to her abdomen and pressed his palm against it.  "We're
going to have a baby, Doctor.  A little girl.  We..."  She cleared her
throat.  "We could be a family.  If only I could trust you not to hurt her,
or me."
          She broke off, unable to continue.  She looked around the room
for a few moments, composing herself.  She took his hand away from her
abdomen and laid it back on the gurney.  Her brow furrowed, refocusing on
the problem at hand.  "But that is a discussion for a later
time...preferably when you're awake," she added under her breath.  "I've
gotta get you out of here."  She glanced at her watch.  Twenty minutes left
until midnight.  "Dammit.  Romana and..."  She sucked in her breath, an
idea striking her.  She fumbled under her labcoat and pulled out the time
ring, holding it up, her eyes flicking from the Doctor to the time ring.
          It was the best option.  The time ring would return him to
Romana's TARDIS, which according to Garner was with her at the rebel
headquarters, where there were surely doctors...but it would only take one
person.  She would be left behind to face the Master, who wouldn't be too
happy to find that the Doctor was gone and she was wise to his deception. 
She took a deep breath.  I can deal with the Master, she told herself.
          he'll kill me
          If I free the Doctor he and Romana can help me.
          he'll kill my daughter
          That gave her pause.  If I do nothing, if I leave him here, the
Master will probably kill me anyway and the Doctor will also die.  If I
free him...he'll live, and we might live too.  The choice was clear enough.        
i have to help him
          Why?
          i love him
          Ace shut her eyes and placed the time ring over two of his
fingers so it wouldn't fall off.  I can't argue with that, she thought
resignedly.  She grasped one of his other fingers and used it to activate
the time ring.  There was a swirling of temporal energy...Ace stepped back
and shielded her eyes.  When she looked up he was gone.  She slumped
against the gurney.  No going back now.  She put both her hands over her
eyes...the thought that she might now never see him again had not escaped
her attention.
          A loud bang startled her, and her hands dropped away from her
eyes.  She wasn't really surprised to see the Master standing there, big as
life and glowering down at her.  He had clearly dropped the "Doctor" facade
and his face shone with naked malevolence.
          "Well, Ace," he purred.  "How interesting that you are here...and
the Doctor is not."  He slammed the door shut and advanced on her, a
predatory grin splitting his face.