At the crossroads I am standing
So now you're sleeping peaceful,
I lie awake and pray
That you'll be strong tomorrow 
And we'll see another day 
And we will praise it...
	--Sarah MacLachlan



CHAPTER 5:  CROSSROADS

	Miryam found her sitting on the cold flagstones in the Gardens, hugging her knees to her 
chest, her forehead resting upon them.  She padded softly over and sat down next to her, her 
tail curling around Ace's back.  Ace looked up at Miryam, her face dry, and then she looked in 
puzzlement around her.
	"Why...it's getting dark," she said.
	Miryam nodded.  "Yes.  There's no day or night here but whenever we have mortal guests 
the Domain creates an artificial day cycle for their comfort.  We've found that without it, 
mortals become nervous and edgy."
	Ace nodded and started to say something innocuous but then realized that she wasn't fooling 
anyone, least of all herself.  Miryam looked at her with such compassion and understanding that 
Ace could hold it in no longer, and the Guardian held her as Ace sobbed into her soft fur.  As she
 calmed down, Miryam produced a handkerchief from somewhere in the folds of her gown and 
handed it to her.  She stroked Ace's head comfortingly as she wiped her eyes and blew her nose.
	"Fight?" she asked softly.
	Ace nodded.  "I guess the first one's always the worst."
	"That bad, huh?"
	"Well, I called him a coward and told him he was incapable of love and he all but called me 
a slut and a liar.  You be the judge."
	Miryam cleared her throat.  "Sounds pretty bad to me."
	Ace fetched a deep, rattling sigh.  "The thing is, it had to be done.  Those things made up a 
lot of old baggage, and it had to be unloaded."  
	"Then it's probably best to get it over with."
	Ace smiled and shook her head.  "Probably...but that's doesn't make it any less unpleasant."
  They were silent for a few moments.  "He's just so afraid, and so bloody insecure.  He talks so 
big and tough, but inside he's sometimes like a scared little boy.  He's never been in a real 
relationship, and he's not used to being this out of control.  He's afraid of hurting me, he's afraid
 of losing me but he's also afraid of *not* losing me."  She sighed again.  "God, I must be off my
 jump about a light year and a half getting into it like this with him," she muttered.
	Miryam blew air through her teeth.  "This sounds like a very complex relationship," she 
commented.
	Ace nodded ruefully.  "Miryam, that's like saying the Grateful Dead played a few concerts.
  It couldn't possibly be any more complex.  We've just got too much history, that's our problem."
  She kicked idly at the stones on the path.  "He's been the dominant presence in my life for 18 
years now, even when I wasn't with him.  I'd say that for almost all of those years we were 
finding new and creative ways to deal with our feelings for each other, which were buried so 
deep we scarcely knew we had them.  At least, that's the way it was for me.  In hindsight it's 
so clear.  I devoted myself to projecting my feelings onto others while he alienated me so he 
wouldn't have to deal with it."
	Miryam folded her crooked legs underneath her.  "How did it feel to acknowledge it?"
	Ace looked skyward at the emerging stars and felt the night breeze across her face.  "For
 me...it felt like someone had let me out of prison," she said quietly.  "It was like finding the 
last piece of the jigsaw puzzle that you thought was lost and finally being able to finish it."  Ace
 looked up at her friend, tears sparkling in her eyes again.  "I just...I wish it weren't so hard."
	Miryam wiped the tears off of Ace's wet face maternally.  "If it didn't mean so much to
you it wouldn't be hard at all," she said.  Ace smiled and bowed her head to Miryam's shoulder
 again, comforted by the Guardian's warm smile and soft purring.


	When she found herself back in the hallway outside their quarters, night had fallen.  A
 brilliant full moon shone its watery light across the Domain and through the windows in the 
hallway as she reached the door.  She paused, clenching her fist.  Her anger had mostly melted
 away by this time, but she wondered what new provocations lay behind the door.  At last she
 opened it, entered the darkened room, and shut the door behind her, leaning against it.
	He was still sitting in the rocking chair, looking out the picture window.  The blue moonlight 
smoothed the lines in his face and made him look young and vulnerable.  He didn't look at her, but 
she knew he'd heard her come in.  She waited in the darkness for him to speak.  Finally he did.
	"'God have mercy on the man who doubts what he's sure of,'" he said.  Ace considered this
 quotation.
	"Oscar Wilde?"
	"Bruce Springsteen."  A silence fell then, but it was an okay silence.  The tension had gone
 from this room, leaving only weary familiarity in its place.  She stood leaning against the door,
 patient.
	"I've been sitting here," he said, "wondering what would become of me if you didn't come
 back.  You've...you've left me three times before, and it hurt more each time."  He paused.  "I 
think I know now why I treated you so badly in the past."
	"Because you had to?" she said softly, repeating his oft-given excuse.
	"No.  Because I *needed* to.  I needed you to hate me, because if you hadn't hated me for 
the things I did, then I would have been forced to hate myself...and it made it so much easier to 
keep you away." he said, echoing Ace's words to Miryam.  He sniffed brief laughter.  "I'm not 
used to talking about these kinds of things...or feeling them, for that matter.  I find that it's not
 as easy as I always imagined it should be."
	Ace took a few steps forward into the dark room.  "Why won't you let me in?" she whispered.
	His face turned slowly towards her.  "You got in," he answered.  "Further than anyone 
else, and much further than you know.  But the closer you got, the more it scared me.  It still 
scares me, because I'm not sure I trust myself not to hurt you."  He turned his face back 
towards the window, and in his silhouette Ace could see his throat working.  "But I know that 
I can't deny it anymore, nor do I want to.  It's the end of the line."
	"Deny what?" she asked gently.
	"That you've been bred into my very bones and grafted onto my flesh," he said hoarsely.  
"You're part of my soul, if I have one, and there's no going back...but for your own sake, part
 of me wants to scream at you to run, as fast and as far as you can."
	"Why?"
	He paused.  "You were right when you said that I was so much thought and so little feeling. 
I probably know more about love from books than personal experience.  I...I'm so afraid of being
 apart from you, but I'm also afraid of being with you, because of...because of who I am and 
what I'm like and most of all what I do to those who get close to me.  I just...I feel like I'd rather
 suffer being away from you than hurt you again," he said, pressing his fist against his mouth.  
Ace came further forward to stand a few feet away from the rocking chair where he sat.
	"This isn't a fairy tale, Doctor.  Reality is messy, it's full of things that can hurt.  Love 
means accepting the rough with the smooth...and the only way you could hurt me right now is 
to keep pushing me away."  She paused, feeling like her life depended upon finding just the right
 words to say to him that would make it all right.  "You seem to think that...that it's all supposed 
to be honeysuckle and waltzes.  But it's not.  It's true that in the past I hated you, but 
somewhere inside me I loved you even then...because hate and love are not opposites.  They
 go together, hand in hand sometimes...and it's really only possible to *truly* hate someone 
that you truly love.  It's okay that you think things and I feel things...we don't have to be the 
same, even though we're more the same than you realize.  We're..." she paused, searching for
 the right image.  "We're like a yin yang...exactly opposite, but also exactly the same.   And...
we're neither of us complete alone."
  She fell silent.  After a moment, he held up a hand to her, which she grasped immediately.  Their
 eyes met for the first time since she'd returned and that ended their resistance.  He pulled her
 down into the rocking chair with him and drew her into his arms.  Ace slipped her arms around 
him and curled up in his embrace, resting her head in the hollow of his shoulder.  They remained 
like that for some moments, but inevitably his lips found hers and they were finally able to kiss
 each other as they'd wanted to before, but this was really the first time they'd been alone.  He
 tugged the ponytail out of her hair and twined his fingers in it, spreading it over her shoulders
 like a shawl.  As they shifted slightly to hold each other more closely, suddenly he broke off 
and drew back a bit, his breath rattling in his throat.  Ace smiled inside where he couldn't see 
it, having been expecting this.  She lay her head back on his shoulder and felt his hearts beating
 quickly beneath her hand.
	"How long has it been?" she asked quietly.
	"Oh...I don't know," he said with an unconvincing air of nonchalance.  "About two hundred
 and fifty years."
	"That's a little surprising...doesn't that include the young and blond you?"
	He smiled.  "Yes, it does, but I was far too sincere in those days.  Quite off-putting.  Tegan
 once told me that I had all the appeal of a big slice of Wonder Bread.  Also remember that he 
only lasted about five years."
	"So...that puts it back at...not the toothy guy!"
	He looked down at her with an injured expression.  "I'll have you know that the toothy guy
 could be quite dashing when I had a mind to."  They laughed softly.  
	"Stalling, stalling," she muttered, grinning against his neck.  He fetched a deep, long-suffering
 sigh.
	"Oh, well, if I must," he said, his tone teasing.  They were both getting a little silly with
 a combination of relief at their reconciliation and intense nervousness.
	"Well, if it's that much of a chore..." she began sarcastically, but was cut off as he stood
 suddenly with her still in his arms.  He put her down and threw his shoulders back with the
 air of a soldier facing battle.
	"Lead on, MacDuff!" he said.
	"Once more into the breach!" she agreed.  Pause.  Neither of them moved.
	"I have not yet begun to fight!"
	"I regret that I have but one life to give for my country!"
	"Tis a far far better thing that I do than I have ever done!"
	"To everything there is a season!"
	"Billy, don't be a hero!"
	Her mouth opened but no more flippancies sprung to her lips.  They looked at each other 
almost shyly for a moment.  He began quietly, "Last one in's..."
	"a Special Weapons Dalek!" she finished in a rush, laughing, as they both broke for the bedroom.


	Angel was meditating in Theo's office, hovering about three feet off the ground stretched
 out horizontally.  Things had been quite chaotic...Guardians popping in and out with reports on 
the search, none of which were good news, and although Banner assured him that she'd taken 
every precaution he couldn't shake his anxiety about the Doctor's welfare.  It didn't help that 
he knew very well that if anything happened to the Time Lord, Ace would cheerfully hand him 
 his own head on a platter.  He'd finally chased everyone out of his office as the unusual darkness 
fell...it'd taken him a second to remember why...and had stolen a few moments to center himself.
	He was just starting to feel more like himself when it happened.  The silence in the room 
was broken by a voice which spoke directly into his ear, clear as a bell.  *Angel,* it said, 
and fell silent.  His eyes popped open and he thumped ignobly to the floor.  He sat up, rubbing 
his hip, listening as hard as he could...to nothing.  But it had been Theo's voice, no doubt about
 it.  He jumped up and went to the Glass.
	"Show me Theo," he said hopefully.  He'd tried this a number of times but the Glass had 
never come up with a picture.  Nor did it now...just swirled in puzzlement for some moments
 and finally reverted to its normal state.  He turned away from the Glass, and called to 
Miryam in his mind.
	*Yes?* she answered.
	*Did you just hear that?*
	*Hear what?*
	*I swear I just heard Theo's voice in my head.*
	*I didn't hear a thing.  Did you check the Glass?*
	*Yes, nothing.*
	*Well...let me know if it happens again.*
	*Okay.  And keep your eyes open.*
	*Don't I always?*  She was gone.


	Ace opened her eyes sleepily and stretched.  Warm morning sunshine was streaming in 
across her face from the bedroom windows.  It took her a minute to orient herself to her 
surroundings.  She looked around the room...very tastefully decorated.  She hadn't been able 
to see much of it the night before, it had been dark and she'd been otherwise occupied.  She 
was alone, which didn't surprise her one bit.  The Doctor didn't sleep much, and though she 
could remember falling asleep in his arms, she was sure he'd just waited until she drifted 
off and then gotten up.  She yawned and was contemplating getting up when out of the blue,
 in her mind, she heard Theo's voice plain as day.
	*Ace,* it said.  She sat bolt upright in the bed, her eyes wide open.  She listened 
carefully...suddenly her heartbeat sounded very loud.  Nothing more came.  She grabbed her
 robe from off the chair next to the bed and flew into the living room.
	The Doctor was seated at a large desk in a nook off the living room that was arranged 
as a study, poring over some electronic notepads and open books.  He raised his head as she
 rushed in...then one hand went to his mouth and stifled a laugh as he saw her.  She stared 
at him, confused.  He looked back up at her, an impish smile on his face.
	"That's a lovely view, but you don't want to catch cold," he said.  Ace looked down at
 herself...her robe was hanging wide open and she had nothing on underneath.  Distractedly,
 she belted it shut.  "Actually, the notion that one can catch cold simply from *being* cold
 is purely apocryphal.  Time-honored and charming, perhaps, but apocryphal nonetheless.  
Of course to actually catch cold requires the presence of a virus.  I suppose that hypothermia
 could leave one more susceptible to infection, but..."
	Ace cut off his babbling.  "Doctor, will you shut up a minute?  I just heard something."
	He returned to his books.  "Theo's voice?"
	Ace drew back, surprised.  "Yeah, actually.  You heard it too?"
	"Everyone's been hearing it all night.  I've heard it three times this morning.  Angel has
 no idea what it means, but it's certainly distracting."
	"Bloody creepy is what it is," she commented, sighing.  "Well, it certainly gave me a start."
	"I imagine," he said.  "I only hope it means she's all right."
	"Yeah," she said.  She went around the desk and stood behind him, leaning over to slip 
her arms around his neck.  "What are you up to at this hour of the morning, anyway?"
	He picked up one of her hands and kissed it.  "What better time to work than early in 
the morning?"  She reached out and peeked at the cover of one of the books.
	"What is all this stuff?"
	"Mostly material that's been written about conversion.  Banner gave it to me.  She knows
 the inside of my head pretty well by now, and I think she sensed how I hate being out of my 
depth.  Much of it is her own work."
	"Learn anything interesting?"
	"Well, that I'm pretty lucky to have escaped with all my marbles."  He picked up one 
of the electronic books.  "Most people who've been in the chamber for *any* length of time,
 brief or otherwise, suffered longterm behavioral effects.  They were never trusted again. 
 Time Lord physiology to the rescue once more, I suppose."  He twisted around to look at her.
  "Then again, how can I be anything but lucky when I have an Ace up my sleeve?"  She grinned
 and hugged him, then straightened up and drifted out into the living room area.
	"I wasn't so sure about what I was doing at the time, I can tell you," she said.  "Angel 
told me that interrupting the process might kill you."
	He put down the notepad and contemplated her, standing by the picture window.  The 
morning sunlight streamed across her face.  "Well, that can't have been easy."
	"That's putting it lightly.  But I couldn't let you be taken over by the Legion," she said 
distractedly, looking out at the gardens.  "Anyhow, for all I knew you'd just regenerate."
	He stood and went to refill his teacup, considering this.  "Suppose I had?" he asked finally.
	She turned away from the window.  "Had what?"
	"Regenerated.  What if I had?  Would we be here now?"
	"I don't see why not.  You'd still be you, wouldn't you?"
	"Yes, but I'd be different.  I'd look different, and I'd probably act differently."
	She flopped onto the couch, curling her legs underneath her.  "Would you *feel* differently?
  About me, I mean?"
	He thought for a moment.  "No.  But the question is, would *you* feel differently about
 *me?*"
	"Just 'cause you looked different?  How shallow do you think I am?"
	"Do you want me to answer that?"
	She stuck her tongue out at him.  "So what if humans are overly attached to appearances,
 I'd still love you no matter what you looked like."
	He perched on the arm of the couch and handed her a cup of tea, a mischievous look on
 his face.  "Are you sure about that?  My next regeneration could be a hunchbacked old man
 with big warts and no hair."
	"Yeah, well, it could also be a young dreamboat with long curly hair and knockout blue eyes."
	He straightened up, putting on a wounded expression.  "Oh, I see!  I suppose you'd prefer
 that?"  He slapped a hand to his forehead.  "Listen to me, I can't believe it, I'm getting jealous
 of myself."
	She laughed.  "Anyhow, it's silly.  I don't love you for your looks, you know."
	"I'm not quite sure how to take that."
	"Oh stop.  There's nothing wrong with you and I rather like this regeneration.  But wouldn't
 you still love me if I had...oh, I dunno, big horns and bulging red eyes?"
	He considered this.  "Yes, I suppose so.  Provided that you didn't also have an annoying
high priest who ran around screaming about his dreams of conquest."
	Ace looked at him blankly.  "That one bounced off my head."
	"Oh, that's all right, you wouldn't remember."  He smiled at her and went back to the 
desk where she couldn't see him.
	"How do you feel?" she called after a moment, trying to sound casual.
	"A little sore, actually.  I think I pulled some muscles I didn't know I had."
	"That's not what I meant," she said, grinning.
	Pause.  "I know.  I feel fine.  Banner's treatment seems effective."
	"That's good," Ace said, and fell silent, cupping her warm teacup in both hands.  She 
couldn't shake a vague feeling of dread.  She stood and let a big shudder pass over her body, 
shaking herself like wet dog.  She set down the teacup and strode determinedly into the 
bedroom to take a shower, resolving to look on the bright side for once.


	The White Guardian watched the activity in the chamber unobtrusively from his chair 
in the corner.  It had been an unusually active few days, and his fellow Eternals were milling
 about, conferring with each other.  Everyone seemed to be in motion except for the figure 
standing alone at the fireplace staring down into the flames.
	So far he hadn't taken much of an active interest in these recent events which had everyone
 else so captivated.  Today he felt curious.  He got up and approached Life, who seemed to be
 on top of things.
	"What's going on?" he asked without preamble.
	She jumped and turned around.  "A great deal."
	"The Legion leader...has he been found?"
	"Seth?  He eludes us."
	"What of the Doctor?"
	"His mind still contains the presence.  It cannot be extracted without help."
	"I'm aware of that.  And...the assistant?"
	"He knows nothing."
	The White Guardian nodded as if he'd learned all he needed to know.  He walked away 
abruptly and went to the figure by the fireplace.
	"Everything is under control.  I fail to understand your resistance," he said.
	The figure looked at him.  "I can't believe I let you talk me into this," she said.  
	"You had no choice."
	"Bullshit!" she exclaimed suddenly.  "You have no power over me.  Once I was chosen, I 
ceased to be under your control.  I do this because I choose to, but I don't have to like it."  She 
thrust her hands into her uniform pockets and stalked off.  The other Eternals gaped after her, 
stunned.  Only Theo would dare speak to the White Guardian like that.  He didn't seem angry as 
he returned to his chair...just resigned.
	Dimension approached him and leaned over to speak into his ear.  "You are aware that she 
has been attempting to send messages to her colleagues?"	
	"Yes.  What of it?  She told me she would.  It is of no consequence."  He paused a moment 
and looked up at Dimension.  "Why, have any gotten through?"
	"Bits and pieces.  It will just arouse their curiousity."
	"Hm.  Curiosity and the Doctor are a dangerous combination."