i know that i should introduce myself first...however..will it make difference if i add a name to millions of names on the net..million of pics& characters.i guess not ...however , i am a muslim.. from Egypt..studying medicine ..so patient with computers....like discussion..and i wish i like work as well .... according to this only i want you to deal with me
INTERESTED TO SEE WHAT IS IN MY MIND....HERE R SOME ...
LIFE .....
THIS is the most precious thing we have , and the least thing we care to think about ..how many minutes per day u stop ur routine and think of it ..what for ..why..is it the best way i can live it ..do i really know what i have to know ..is what i know is the truth about it...?
I HAVE mind ..i use it most of the times ..i have money and i am lookig for it ,..i have family and i love them too much..i have my business career and it may be my main concern......all these are just details or compartments of life ...parts of whole..but we all care about those parts much more than we do for the whole ....we plan for the details not for the main...
we are burried inside our self-created concerns ....without having that general outlook..!!
DECISION...by definition it is the quality to make judgement or choice...may be easy may be painful..does not matter..a bad sign for me when i can not make sure if my decision was right..the worse when i am sure that it
is right but i am not sticking at it ...!
TIME...is the most sensetive guide for the true elements forming our personalities....the best evidince is our faith ..just because it is a true gift from GOD.;.as time passes ...it becomes more stable... expressing our souls as well as our acts...more ability to see hidden treasures of that faith..it goes steadily up..never fades away...the same with all true things in life ..so whenever facts are to be tested...time (owned by GOD)... will manage ...stabilize or make shadows..
JUMPING...i do not know why these crazy ...sometimes good ideas always jump to my mind when i am loaded or stressed with exams ,study..etc...i have an idea of two internet projects..one is islamic and the other is world wide ...they need much time...i dream of them ..that all i can do now....
tonight.. i have added a new branch to my islam page...just made the basic lines...still at the very beginning
do u know what is the best choice for me that which it is not mine ...that i feel is my destiny...i think that may be for every one...
THE GOAL...how many of my brain cells are occupied by this word ?!!(*).....i can say ..it was the base of building most of my dreams ..the main judge...on people....it was and may be still very important to me in this aspect in particular...now ..what i mean by this big word exactly..????...telling the truth ...i do not have a definite thing in my brain which i can describe as my goal....or may be i know the goal..but not the target..what is the difference?...the goal is not limited by time or by means..and plan..target should be configured by all of these..(the only info i remember from the community medicine)...so...i am in a state of waiting...waiting what?...waiting the target ..or people who could help me finding it...as a step of reaching the goal one day...
By a promise...i give the right to other persons to believe in..and depends on my statement...sometimes it is a support of a decision or a protection of weakness...i may change a decision...or return it back...but could not break a promise...
Should we be loyal to someone we never knew..or we never knew yet...there are some situations....
DREAMS,WISHES,TARGETS ..etc.....strange character to make them as facts..act as they are facts..and live inside their limits ...whatever they are away from life..put them superior to real
circumstances.. ..believe in them....waiting for their occurence
..trust....respect..see them very close..and very far..
.....desperate sometimes..laughing at,rarely....regret of having them ,oneday,which makes reality so poor....a dwarf compared to a giant....very difficult is to know that they may be present sometime , somehow....and most difficult is the feeling of betraying my dreams to be able to live in real life...i dream of not getting this feeling ever..!
THANKS ....sometimes .. i feel how this word could be impolite one, when...it is too small for a too big favour... ..silence may be the greatest thank i could ever say....
VALUE....i dreamt of its presence ...caring for something else ...something higher...than the self and its narrow limits..ready to fight ..to sacrify..honesty in belief tested by time and challanges...tested by the ability to resist desires and wishes for the sake of telling the truth and acting in the right way...u say that it's wrong when u wish if it's right...this was a dream long time ago which has started to fade away ...but i know now it is there, as a real strong fact..and that is enough for me ...to believe in its presence..
how much i care for some thing is measured by how much i go for it..
HARD FEELINGS:when i feel morals or high principles are a way to get me some prideness or people satisfaction...how poor!
the 3eed morning..waking up..usual..stimulus ..resisting..confusing i dunno if i am right or wrong..i dunno how long i will keep my opinion , my views ..presssure ..makes me weak feeling i am acting , wasting time ..wannna go away ..so far from here..when no human rules any moe ..remmbered another 3eed day when i had a wish about sthg i thought it was real ..it was what i am looking for..may be i thought it is what i was looking for ..i dunno may be it is just fake..meomory..crying ..oh my God ..did i hurt any one ..is it my turn to be hurted ..i dunno ..i do not know how to decide ..please help me do not give me the chance to choose, to decide ..make it so clear , so clear that i could see my way ..protect me of my prideness..is it time to be like society ideals..i could not get rid of my own ideals ..but they are just mine..i could find someone to share..i hope i could get rid of them without feeling i am doing so..without feeling betrial to them but how ..when sthg lived with for about 24 years..
Premature senility..feeling i just have to wait for the end..thinking of the very short fun , health , being young , being interested , being ambitious , dreaming .. all this will so soon end , without feeling they did ....they will pass like the previous fews years of life passed ..yea just like them..i did not feel they did..i could not grasp them in my hands or even in my poor memmory..one day it will be my only next great event in life is to die..one day to control my physiological needs , to eat , to drink ..etc will be the major targets I wanna achieve...
age is just a figure in my ID card..very easily it goes up...feeling the great trick when you look to mirror..if you are young u will feel the meaning of the word young is just made to describe you..jus another true trick of life ..
UPGRADING...once , i thought that self upgrading is a RESUMING process ,this means i can resume the upgrading starting from the previous point i stopped at , however , i was mistaken ..now i feel how it is a WAVEY process full of ups and downs..more striking to me when i found that the rule is applied to knowledge as well , things i experinced its knowledge before to a great extent , i may find myself unable to understand now as if they were in another brain than mine..
WEIRD..i am glad that the language has such a word to describe an exact meaning..it emerges in my mind frequently these days..i do not get many things that some people do and the way they act with me .i find it difficult as well to understand moody persons..."how weird"!!
TERRIBLE THINKING...tired of thinking process..hard ..is it the real life that i did not try to imagine before..however did not i get used to have a challange and to be devoted to sthg ..would it be that righteous..or it would be a mask i will hide my weakness against desires behind !!
FAKE...i dunno why i am a suitable media for spreading their fake..i did not ask any body for the transient dreams..i started to lose the dreams and get myself some acceptance for the real available facts..but every now and then the masks come with some of my old dreams and show up then disappear...they exhaust me ...i am afraid i lose both the facts and the fakes..
Help me my God to be more stable...i am losing ..
Fighting...insisiting on..a value i appreciate in any human..the score is elevated..withdrwal is just what makes every thing cheap..it could turn things 180 for me..that simple WHAT A DIARY!!!!....it does not matter..anything
Career Fight...sometimes when we do not have the big dream that we fight for..we may adopt sthg smaller to play the same role in our lives..i guess this was the case with me..my career choice fight is just a trial to replace sthg more big i could not afford fighting for...just one thing i hope in this fight that i am and i will be honest..that it will be a test i will pass with a good rate of success..just one thing i wish if God knows that i will do to protect me and not to support me to reach this career ..if i will hit a poor patient to satisfy my pridness , or to imitate them or any reason.. LONELY...did it reach 100%?..it is almost so...i never felt lonely while i am alone..for the first time i feel it heavily..why?..dreams loss..my dreams were my best friends..my imaginations and wishes..they were occupying my soul and brain and never got lonely even in a desert..for the first time i completely do not have any of them ..nothing i could imagine...i lost my old dreams and have no energy to create new ones or to depend on new will turn to be just fakes and memories good or bad..in one stage of life there were friends shared me a lot of the old dreams and targets..they have gone after they left me alone with the killed high targets behind, i could not handle it by myself, i left it as well..any more talk or even thinking about it now makes it just a joke ..
the strange thing was my faith in those dreams..my faith in finding people who will impress me by their stronger faith ..
more astonishing is a complete destruction creaped to all of this and finaly it is creaping to my personality..weakness..multiple spots here and there..many holes i feel it would pass many faults through..till this moment just till the moment i resist big ones of them but really dunno for how long ?!....one of the major holes i found in myself is that i am not patient.....am i ill ,feverish..? does it matter..feeling better..sthg weird ..relief..no new wishes..just careful watchful expectency..at least getting me a lot of patience..i dunno the source of this..God's wisdom ...satisfaction..at least i still have a coming nice dream..when i get older no more nice dreams..it will be just passing time or passing through time..practical life..just few days ago , start to feel self controlled ..more wise...(August/00)
Dimensions...in short time i start to find out about many new dimensions and parameters that differ from what i was living inside..dealing with people..people dealing with me..i feel just that i was inside a closed empty room for the whole past years of my life and for the fist time i get out of it to see a different aspect of the world ...is it that wild..are things that bad..how many new rules i have to learn..how many shocks will i receive..i excpect a lot of all..sthg i hate to get used to is to be so careful...but it may be the most safe road..(August/00)
God's Wisdom...now , i am seeing the past from the present side of view..many unexplained are explained..another help from the source of Mercy..another support to the trust...another lesson not to lose...to choose the right resort ...it looks like a training to me but i proved not to be so skilled..i need always the astonishing ends..thanks God for preserving me ,forgive me i could not do the same thing always..
Soul...self..body...MATING...it is an irreversible way..going only through one direction...it could start at any point of the three but just it started it would go only one way...soul mating , the big secret of Allah is just managed by him which will start the whole chain from its most righteous point, the soul...self mating occur when ideas , thoughts , morals , culture are typical or could adapt with each other , this usually done by human getting too close to each others thinking...body mating ,depending on the physical charachters , the similar materialism would usually start and stop at this point and managed by these physical cahrachters and lasts as long as they last ...
Peak...prefer it to start calm and go steadily upward to reach the peak..not the peak starts then subsides down..always i liked the ascending curves..
Precious..too precious to be turned into letters and voices...afraid of making them cheap..repeated..boring..wanna just keep them as a flighting dream..a hiddent treasure feelings..could i preserve them forever as precious as they were..they r for most of them just words..
Songs..how come i could understand those songs..not only so , i found a fair justification..those who knew me could realize how this would be weird..it makes me laugh when i heared , listened , and understood..further more i imagined and believed..as if i did not hear hundreds of time b4..really , nothing is absolute..a growing new rule in my mind !!
even my thoughts sometimes need to have some of its own privacy...
