From the Home Office in Hopkins, Minnesota

The Show

My Dumb Top Ten Lists

Great, not more Top Ten lists, just what I need.
Best Experiments Worst Experiments Best Short Films

The Best Songs

#10 Slow The Plot Down: I just like the way this song summed up the movie so nicely.
Sung by Crow T. Robot, Joel Robinson, and Tom Servo
Music by Joel Robinson on Accordion
Appears in Episode 314: Might Jack.

#9 The Waffle Song: I like waffles and the song, plus I love how Tom Servo belts out "Pancakes" at the end which I think is a reference to something on the 'Poopie' tape.
Sung by Crow T. Robot, Gypsy, Joel Robinson, and Tom Servo
Music by Cambot
Appears in Episode 317: Viking Women Vs. The Sea Serpent

#8 Tibby, Oh Tibby: "Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?"
Sung by Tom Servo
Music by Cambot
Special Accompanyment by Crow T. Robot
Appears in Episode 302: Gamera.

#7 Side Hacking: Despite his inoperative arms, Tom Servo was really getting jiggy with it.
Sung by Joel Robinson
Music by Tom Servo on Drums, Crow T. Robot on Guitar
Appears in Episode 202: The Sidehackers

#6 My Creepy Girl: Poor Tibby's heart must be broken.
Sung by Tom Servo
Music by Cambot
Appears in Episode 204: Catalina Caper.

#5 Gypsy Moons: Starts out so sweet, and quickly deteriorates, but in a good way.
Sung by Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo, and Gypsy
Music by Cambot
Appears in Episode 417: Crash of The Moons.

#4 A Clown In The Sky: Great song and I love how Crow is disassembled, and retaliates by telling Joel at the end that "Your not my real father!"
Sung by Joel Robinson
Music by Cambot
Special Accompanyment by Tom Servo, and Crow T. Robot
Appears in Episode 303: Pod People.

#3 (Let's Have) A Patrick Swazye Christmas: Crow manages to outdo 'Earth Vrs. Soup' with this action packed Christmas carol.
Written by Crow T. Robot
Sung by Crow T. Robot, Joel Robinson, and Tom Servo
Music by Cambot
Appears in Episode 321: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

#2 Whom Shall I Kill?: Hearing this reminds me of the Con, they had a really great montage with all sorts of scenes of Dr. F. and well, lets just say there was'nt a dry eye in the house.
Sung by Dr. Clayton Forrester
Music by Jerry and Sylvia?
Appears in Episode 624: Samson Vs. The Vampire Women.

#1 Mystery Science Theater Theme Song Version 1A: It has a great beat, and you can dance to it
Sung by Joel Robinson

Honorary Mention The Greatest Frank Of All: The Song is good, but the montage of TV's Frank was the real highlight.
Sung By Crow T. Robot, Mike Nelson, Tom Servo
Music By Cambot
Appears in Episode 523: Village of The Giants.

Honorary Mention Mighty Science Theater(aka the Love Theme): A great way to end the show.
Written and Preformed by Charlie Erickson

To give credit where credit is due:
Joel Robinson was played by Joel Hodgson
Tom Servo is given voice by Kevin Murphy
Crow's voice was supplied by Trace Beaulieu, who also played Dr. Clayton Forrester
I'd be remiss If I did'nt mention the Gypsy was given voice by Jim Mallon
The Music was composed and preformed by Mike Nelson, and Kevin Murphy
The lyrics were written by Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Joel Hodgson, Frank Coniff, Trace Beaulieu,
Paul Chaplin, Bridget Jones, Mary Jo Phel, and Jim Mallon

The Best Experiments (episodes)

#10 Teenage Caveman: Ok Teenage Caveman is a pretty forgetable movie (except for that "Word is the Law of the Word" thing), but the Aquatic Wizards and Hunting Trouble shorts are nothing short of genius. Plus it was the first episode I saw.

#9 Mighty Jack: I know some of you are thinking Mighty Jack!?! I was letting Teenage Caveman slip, but Mighty Jack was awful! All I can say is the Mighty Jack viewing at the convention was filled to capacity and it was a non-stop laugh fest.

#8 Catalina Caper: A fun filled musical romp, and Tommy Kirk to boot! Heck who would'nt want to boot Tommy Kirk? How could you not like the episode that sees Tom Servo fall in love with the Creepy girl?

#7 Pod People: Trumpy you can do Stupid things! It's like watching 3 movies in one, and it's not Fugitive Alien! The movie itself, yes "It Stinks!", but thanks to the MST treatment it made it to 7 on a top ten list. Pretty good for a bland E.T. ripoff.

#6 Gamara Vs. Guiron: I know your memory of all the Gamara movies have probably shattered to a million pieces and reformed (like the T1000 in T2) into a mess of Kennys and turtle soup so I'll just say one word: Cornjob. That jog your memory? I really liked the quips in this one, and the host segments were great too. And it was funny when the kids were down in the submari... oh wait thats a diffrent Gamara movie.

#5 The Sidehackers: The only thing that burns my gut worse then chili pepers are really bad movies, you magnificent sonofabitch. Luckily the writeing crew must have an incredible hatred for this movie, and it comes out in some of the most venomous funny quips.

#4 Teenager from Outer Space: Yes it's "Torture!", but it's more of a comfy chair, being tickled with a feather kind of torture thanks to MST. Maybe it's a good thing real life is'nt like "Reel life" afterall.

#3 Mitchell: Raise your hand if you wanted Larry Miller to run Mitchell off the road to his death. Watching Mitchell I can't help but wonder how Burt Reynolds career would have gone had he selected Joe Don Baker as his hefty 'sidekick' over Dom DeLouise. I also wonder if Joe Don had not taken up acting would he have become an assassin as his three names make him a virtual shoe-in, seeing how he allegedly "can't wait" to get his hands on the Brains I'm glad we are'nt likely to find out... but if he was an assassin he never would have been in Mitchell, and then... well nevermind. Joel left in this epiosde, and thats all I have to say about that.

#2 Wild Rebels: More fun then a day at the Turd Mueseam, it's Wild Rebels. The hero in Wild Rebels is only slightly more likeable then Mitchell, and I think thats purely for the reason he's not Joe Don Baker. Aside from standing on the roof of the car while he auctions his trailor, the bravest thing he does is flash his headlights. At least the majority of the cast is killed off in the tepid conclusion.

#1 Santa Claus Conquers The Martians: Let's return to the days of yore when we had a Patrick Swayze Christmas and were glad for an hour or two that Santy Claus was'nt real. From Tom Servo haveing a snowglobe for a head to the aforementioned carol by Crow to Dr. F selling T.V. Franks Plasma to buy him 'Final Exit' this episode just gives you that special feeling. So Droppo whatever your doing and give this one another watching if you have'nt seen it lately, you'll be glad you did... Unless you have something worthwhile to for the next two hours, like cure cancer.

The Unbearable Experiments

#10 The Killer Shrews: Thank god for booze, without it the cast of this movie would have nothing to do. When the wet bar runs dry they decide they better flee the island full of carpet coated dogs...err I mean shrews. Where was the humane society when this movie being made...not so much for the dogs, but the audiance. A great "Juinor Rodeo Daredevils" short keeps this movie from moveing down the list.

#9 The Being From Another Planet: Some sort of Mummy Alien goes on a killing spree when someone steals his little crystals. Don't ask. I really liked how the Hexfield HoloClowns from one segment end up in the next show (Attack of the Giant Leeches), and one ask Gypsy if she wants a salted nut roll... funny in a disturbing kind of way.

#8 The Unearthly: When Tor Johnson says "Time for go to bed" he means it, this movie is sure to put you to sleep. You would'nt want to sleep through the shocking ending though, so I'll give it away, The cast of 'Quest for Fire' is hideing down in the basement, I'm not sure why, I suspect the writer just could'nt come up with a ending... not that he came up with much of a begining or middle.

#7 Eegah: When a big stupid caveman is the most likeable character in a movie, you know you've got problems. Well he's not very likeable, he's just not hateable. Parts of this movie make me physically ill.

#6 First Spaceship on Venus: There was some little R2D2-looking robot in this movie that just got on my nerves. Who would want to go to Venus anyway? I'd think it'd be nothing but boutiques, candleshops, and hair/nail salons.

#5 The Lost Continent: Yep, rock climbing, in all it's black and white glory. There are many good jokes in this show, but right now all I can think of is rock climbing.

#4-3 Fugitive Alien and Star Force: Fugitive Alien 2: Kennys of the world unite, if you watch South Park I bet you can't help but cheer when Kenny dies after watching these movies. I think these movies are an amalgam of like twenty diffrent tv shows, or something, all of them bad. One of them alomst killed Tom Servo, what more can I say. Oh, if I ever meet Sandy Frank I'd "Try to kill him with a forklift". Well no I would'nt, but I'd drive it where the sun don't shine.

#2 Manos: The Hands of Fate: The Turgid Tale of Turgid Torgo. Manos is very popular with many Msties, I'm not one of them, then again I don't like getting my teeth pulled either.

#1 The Castle of Fu Manchu: If Manos is like pulling teeth, Fu Manchu is the same, but you don't get any anestesia. Clearly TLC stole the idea for their 'Operation' show from the open heart surgery that takes place in a incredibly dragged out portion of this film. At least Manos has Torgo, Fu Manchu has...umm...commercials. The Flying toasters from that screen saver have a better rudimentry intrest level and plot then this movie. If you were drunk with a group of friends this one might be watchable (it might reduce you to tears too), unfortunetly I don't drink and my friends don't like the show.
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The Best Shorts

#10 Hired! (Parts 1 and 2): I guess men in their fourties liveing with their parents was more common in the fifties... or more common among car salesman, I'll have to look into that. Lately whenever I find myself lacking for good advice, or just something to say, I put a handkerchief on my head, and while this does'nt solve the problem, people tend to stop wanting to talk to me or my advice. (appeared in episodes #423: Bride of the Monster, #424: Manos: the Hands of Fate)

#9 Posture Pals/Appreciating our Parents: I think Posture Pals would have fit in nicely on a morning cartoon show, like the Justice League, replace the power twins with the posture pals. If nothing else, Posture Pals proves school is nothing more then a popularity contest. I appreciate my parents, and find it silly that anyone would need to be told to. Tommy goes way beyond appreciateing though and dangerously in the realm of becomeing his parents, in a wierd Oedipus kind of way. And he really should buy Porky some pants. (appeared in episode #320: The Unearthly)

#8 Here Comes the Circus: An incredibly dark look at the circus. Emmit Kelly appears and eats a lot. Other clowns preform a bizare recreation of Mike Tyson's last meeting with Don King. Then there is the disturbing portion of the circus where clowns preform some strange Clown S&M. It's truely like stareing into the abyss, and seeing it stare back. (appeared in episode #422: The Day the Earth Froze)

#7 Alphabet Antics: Straight from the MST3K Amazing Colossal Episode Guide "Animals are abused, children tortured and humiliated, foreign countries are insulted, all in the name of fun and learning." (appeared in episode #307: Daddy-O)

#6 Johnny at the Fair: Johnny runs wild at the Canadian National Exposition, but luckily he is cagged and tagged before he can start a little 'Lord of the Flies' tribe. Sometimes I like to think that maybe Canada and the U.S. really are'nt that different, then I think of Johnny and how Canada practically hails him as a national hero for running away from his parents and makeing them worry half-to-death, and then I wonder who slipped something in my coffee. (appeared in episode #419: The Rebel Set)

#5 Juinor Rodeo Daredevils: Old-timer Billy Slater seems to get a real kick out of jouvaniles maimed and injured by bulls and broncos, so when he gets Jim Henson's Last Picture Show Babies to put on a juinor rodeo look out! For getting thrown off a rampangeing horse and almost trampled, competators get cheesy little trophies. I guess it is a myth that the survivors are the lucky ones. (appeared in episode #407: The Killer Shrews)

#4 X Marks the Spot: A reckless driver dies, and then goes before some god-like judge to find out what should be done with him. His guardian angel (who looks like he tried to stop the accident with his face) tries to defend him and then for some reason cuts and runs near the end of the trial. Although the guy drove drunk and was more reckless then Kelsey Grahmer, the point of the short seemed to be that as long as you did'nt hit and run, and to got your car checked out regularly God does'nt really care how you drive. (appeared in episode #210: King Dinosaur)

#3 Speech: Using Your Voice: Do you find me pleaseing? When someone who looks like your Grandfather starts talking about plenty of lip and tounge action just hope your watching this short, if not run away! (appeared in episode #313: Earth Vs. The Spider)

#2 Aquatic Wizards/Catching Trouble: More fun then Emo Phillips in a dress. Aquatic Wizards blends the pagentry of women dressed like flamingos and water-skiing. Unfortunetly in water-skiing there are apperantly no trees to smack into. In Catching Trouble Ross Allen torments many a poor Everglades creature, then takes them to the zoo when he grows tired of rapeing and pillageing the enviroment. I like to think Ross was eaten by a alligator on a later trip. (appeared in episode #315: Teenage Caveman)

#1 Mr. B. Natural: The instrument manufactureing giant Conn peddles their wares with a very female Mr. B. pranceing about confuseing many a prepubesent boy. Young Buzz succombs to peer presure and falls for Mr. B, selling his soul to the company store for a shiny new instrument that will probably end up tossed in the closet when Buzz tires of it. Plenty of lip and tounge action indeed. As Kevin Murphy eloqently phrases in the MST3K Amazing Colossal Episode Guide: "A boy with great legs and boobs is just plain wrong" (appeared in episode #319: War of the Colossal Beast)

Best Guest Apperances, Quotes, and Inventions coming soon.

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