It was harder for me to hear it from her than from anyone else. The words stung, deeply, worse than I ever imagined anything could hurt....
    "Dead?" I squeaked. "He's dead?"
    "He was very sick Daala." the nurse told me softly. "It was better for him to go. He was in a lot of pain and he couldn't do anything for himself."
    I screamed and fell sobbing into the arms of that nurse, even if she was a total stranger. It wasn't fair! He was my Papa! I was only eight!  He had to much to show me!  He couldn't go now!  But he had already gone, forever. And at the worst the only thing he had never taught me to deal with was grief. I had no one to cling to and no one who knew me. Papa was gone and I was totally alone...
    The day after the funeral the Social Services came and dragged me kicking and screaming out of my home. They had to literally pry me off Papa's bed.  I cried all the way to the orphanage and struggled when they made me give them my fingerprints.  They made me tell them how old I was, what all three of my names were, and wrote down the color of my hair and eyes. They said brown and green. I argued that it was Copper and Emerald.
    They weighed me and measured me and took my picture from the front and side.  The other kids who were in line for the photos had been here for years even though they were no older than me. They updated the photos every year and the kids around the orphanage called them ‘the mug shots'.  They took the photos and stuffed them in a file with my birth certificate, heath card and baby bracelet (which I immediately wanted back) and said that now I belonged to them.  I started crying again. I was my Papa's daughter! I screamed that I belonged to my Papa. They just put me in a room and told me to be good. I cried myself to sleep that night.....

    In two years I went through five foster homes, all of which sent me back.
    First I lived with the Mitchells. They insisted on changing my name to match theirs. I wanted to stay a Duchonovy like Papa. I threw screaming tantrums and they sent me back.
    Next was the Plocos. They just wanted a slave girl. They made me do all the house and yard work. I broke things. They sent me back.
    In my next home there were already three kids. Their father had left a long time ago. The family went into debt and they sent me away because I was ‘expendable.'
    In my next two homes everyone talked constantly about fathers. It reminded me of Papa. I threw tantrums and screamed and yelled and destroyed everything I could get my hands on.
    The Marks sent me back right away but the Forin's were pretty loyal. They didn't give up until they caught me gulping down an entire bottle of cough syrup. I had wanted to kill myself but I was too scared of choking to
swallow pills and the syrup was the only liquid medication I could find.
    Finally I was adopted by my first caring Foster Family. The Vorns.
    Harra and Geron lived in a big house with Geron's divorced sister Colla and her son Leigeus. I shared a big bedroom in the attic with Leigeus. The first thing he did when I met him was tell me a really funny joke. Then he took me on a tour of the house and asked me about my other foster families. Over chocolate chip cookies and milk at the kitchen table I told him in horrific
detail of my five previous homes.  It was then that he asked about my father.  I took him upstairs and cried my eyes out while I showed him all my photos of my father and I. He hugged me and let me fall asleep crying in his arms.
    The next morning I talked about it more with him. I cried a lot more too, but after a week of this I felt a lot better. He just stood there and took it all in. He let me scream at him and break his things and held me when I was to tired to cry anymore. I even hit him once, but he just took it....like he understood every terrible emotion I had locked up inside and knew I had to
let it out.
    He just took it, and that was more than I could ever ask for, from anyone...and especially from him.
    The other Vorns were patient with me too. For a while I wondered why, but then I overheard Leigeus downstairs one night telling them what I had told him about my father. They all understood and put up with my screaming fits and breaking things.
    Finally I came downstairs one morning without breaking anything. I just sat and ate my eggs and toast.
    Leigeus sat next to me and asked how I was. I said "I'm fine."  Fine. I hadn't heard myself speak that word in a positive tone for more than a year. Leigeus just kind of smiled at me. That night when we got into bed he told me I was cured.
    For the next year and a half I acted like a normal kid. Harra was Mom Geron, though not my Papa, was Dad and Colla was my aunt. The only thing different was Leigeus.
    I never thought of him like a brother, or even a cousin. He was.. well..
    Leigeus! He was the boy who lived in my house, he was kid who slept in the other half of my bedroom. He was just him.
    When I turned thirteen, Leigeus was sixteen and suddenly everybody at school was calling him a ‘lucky-duck'. Finally I asked him why. He looked at me like I was crazy not to know and said. "I have a beautiful girl living in my
house.  Put it together, Dal." (That was my nickname that he gave me, Dal)
    I just sort of stared at him and said. "A pretty girl? Where?" He gave me a ‘look' and said. "You, lamebrain." Then he rolled over and went to sleep. I sat there in the dark stunned. Me!? I was pretty!?
    That was a jump start to my romantic side but I didn't really understand the concept of crushes until I hit fourteen. That was when I was glad I wasn't actually related to Leigeus. I dare-say this was the weirdest phase I ever went through as a teenager.
    I don't remember the first time it happened but I definitely recall catching myself watching him while we were playing cards and thinking how pretty his eyes were. (He had a baseball cap on and the cards against his nose. I couldn't see anything else.) I reached up a yanked a lock of my hair, wanting to kick myself for thinking such a thing. This guy was supposed to be my cousin! (Legally at least) I wasn't supposed to think he was cute! I looked up from my cards.
    Nice eyes. Yank. Quit that Daala, you're not supposed to like your cousin!
    But I did like him. And it scared me out of my wits.
    I remember finally going up to Mom while she was washing dishes and asking her. "Am I allowed to like Leigeus?" She set down the plate she was washing and said. "I certainly hope you like him. He is your cousin."
    I gave her one ofmy desperate/confused/come-on-you-know-what-I-mean looks.
    "Oh, like that." She mumbled. "Well I don't see why not. You aren't actually related. I would probably expect it. Don't worry about it sweetie."
    Yeah. Don't worry Daala. You're only in love with your cousin.  I wish I could say that discussion had helped me.
    This was the point in my life where I developed my favorite phrase to make myself stop thinking. Every time Leigeus popped into my head I yanked my hair and said. "Shut up brain." Of course I just thought this when everybody else was around but the hair yanking thing changed into twisting the ring on my finger when Aunt Colla asked my why I kept trying to pull my hair out by the roots when I watched Holo-TV with Leigeus.
    The crush lasted a year and finally came to a head when Leigeus and I were left alone for an evening while Mom, Dad and Aunt Colla went to a New Years Eve party. They said they trusted us to be responsible and not invite all our friends over so they gave us the security pad codes and left.
    Leigeus and I tried to have our own party by ourselves. We watched all the bad talk shows, had chips and soda and tried a sip of the Juri Juice Dad said we could try. (We both hated it only to discover later that he had spiked it with tabasco sauce in hopes of discouraging us from drinking.)
    We were listening to music when midnight struck, jumping around and having a ball to the SST's (Screaming StormTroopers). The clock in the hall hit twelve  and Leigeus turned around from dancing. He picked me right up off the ground swinging me around the room.  (I was a feather at fourteen and for seventeen he was rather brawny but I still freaked out, scared he'd drop me.)
    When he set me down I just kind of looked at him for a minute. He had me right in his arms and I had my hands behind his neck, (I was of course twisting my ring like mad all the while) For a minute I hoped to hear the click of keys in the door, Mom, Dad and Aunt Colla coming home so I wouldn't have to be standing there staring at him.
    Then he kissed me.
    I swear to god I lost all perception of anything else but the fire eatingme up in side. It was frightening and amazing and perfect all in one breath. He probably only cut off my oxygen for about three seconds but I was gasping when he let me go. I kind of stumbled away from him, gaping. I was just ready to scream ‘What did you do that for!?!' when I looked up at him.
    His back hit the wall and he just kind of sunk down and sat there on the rug and I could tell from the look on his face he couldn't believe it either. So I walked over and sat next to him and said the only thing I could think of. "So? Was that your first kiss too?"
    It was a really stupid question cause I knew he'd had about three girlfriends since he was fifteen but it was the only thing I could think of.  I was shocked when he answered me.
    "Actually that's about my ninth ... but it was my first good one."
    I stared at him for a minute. Finally I said, "Please tell me this is legal." Leigeus laughed at that. "I wish I knew."
    We sat there until the Screaming StormTroopers CD shut off. Then we went up to our bedroom in the attic. We sat on our separate beds and stared across the room at each other for a long time.
    When the clock struck 1:00 AM I said we should probably go to sleep.  Leigeus said he wanted to talk to me first. At that point, to me, those were the most frightening words in the basic language.
    He stepped over and sat down on my bed. "I liked you all along." he said quietly. "Ever since you moved in I thought you were really great. But it's not just that anymore. Everything about you...I just...I don't know. I
guess I like you worse."
    "Like me worse? This is bad?"
    "To me it is!" He exclaimed, jumping up off my bed and stalking across the room. "Do you have any idea how many guys would tease me if somebody told them I was in love with my practical sister!?!"
    "In love?" I asked. I was too stunned at what he was telling me to care how many kids were going to laugh at him. He turned around and looked at me.  The expression in his eyes was scared. He was more frightened of this than I was. "Yeah." he replied, sounding angry. "In love." I got up and walked over to him....and slapped him across the face.
    "If you don't want to get laughed at what did you kiss me for?" I demanded.
    "I didn't plan that!" he protested.
    "Then why did you do it?!"
    "I don't know! I don't know why I kissed you anymore than I know why you just slapped me!"
    "I slapped you because..." I began, but stopped mid sentence. "Geez, I don't know either."
    Leigeus raised his eyebrows at me. "See?" he smirked.
    "I still want to know why you kissed me." I grumbled, turning around and crossing my arms.
    "I told you!" He yelled. "I love you, dammit!"
    That was when it actually sunk in what he was telling me. He loved me. I turned around and looked at him. I swear I thought he was going to cry. I pulled him over to his bed and we both sat down. He curled me up in his arms and we just sort of sat there. The both of us were quiet for a long time.  I looked up at him after a while and finally said it.
    "I love you too. Sorry, I hit you." Well actually I mumbled it but he must have heard me cause he kissed me again.
    He turned on the radio by the bed and asked if I wanted to dance. Selinity Dioda was singing ‘Love Doesn't Ask Why'. (A pretty appropriate song for us really) We danced for about five minutes before the song ended. I had her album with that song on it, so when it stopped playing on the radio we skipped back repeatedly on the CD to listen to it over and over. I don't
remember how many other times he kissed me that night but it was definitely my best New Years ever.

    Leigeus and I had a blast over the next year. Mom, Dad and Aunt Colla completely understood us and I just decked anybody who teased Leigeus at school. Usually I couldn't hit an ice puppy with a newspaper made of Kleenex but when I really cared about something (like Leigeus) I could deal out a mean shiner on just about anybody.
    Dad joked that Darth Vader wouldn't want to mess with me on a bad hair day.
    When I turned sixteen and Leigeus was nineteen I became infatuated with the Empire. I wanted to be the best officer to ever work under the Emperor.  Leigeus said he thought I could make it at the toughest military school
there was, Cardia.
    The Cardian Military Training Centre. All the best war leaders had beaten it.  They trained StormTroopers by the droves. And I thought it was the coolest thing in the known universe.....
    I begged Mom and Dad to let me go and train there, (Leigeus would be leaving for college at years end so it wasn't like I would have anything else to do)
    The problem with Cardia however was not the price of admission, the toughness of the training or transportation to get there. It was me.  Specifically, my gender.
    Cardia rarely promoted their females past the rank of corporal and trained them much more harshly that the males, just for the sake of being mean and sexist. Dad was afraid for my life. He'd heard horror stories about girls at Cardia being attacked by the men, raped, even killed...
    And I still wanted to go. I stated that anyone who attacked me, male or female, would get a knee in the crotch and one of my legendary shiners. Dad and Mom were helpless to discourage me. So they tattled on me...
    To Leigeus.
    I still remember exactly what he said.
    "WHEN I SAID I THOUGHT YOU COULD MAKE IT THERE I DIDN'T MEAN I WANTED YOU TO GO!" he cried.
    I shook my head at him and spoke like I was explaining something to a child. "Leigeus, you're going away to college. I wouldn't see you anyway."
    "You won't get to come home at the holidays." he said. "And you'll never get out of there till you're given a rank. You can't quit. You get kicked out or promoted. You're stuck there until they move you. It could take years Dal. I don't want to loose you."
    "You won't lose me." I assured him smiling like the know it all I thought I was. "It'll be fine. You'll see."
    I was wrong. Oh god was I wrong!
 
    When I showed up on the shuttle leaving for Cardia an entire ship of men turned around to greet me with laughs and pointing.
    "What are you doing here?" one of them jeered. "Go home."
    "Not until I'm an Admiral." I stated, trying to find a seat near the front.
    "You'll never make it at Cardia you wimpy little woman!" another man roared.
    Just then I felt a hand grab me and pull me down into a seat. A matching hand grabbed my bag and shoved it under the seat.
    "I bet you a hundred creds she'll make it." The man yelled. I looked over at my rescuer, hearing someone laugh. "Shut your head Winters."
    The young man beside me was relatively short with dark hair trimmed to the nape of his neck, Imperial regulation length. His eyes were large and dark. His thick eyebrows knitted together in the center of his forehead as he scowled at his taunter.
    "You just shut up yourself Chancey or I'll tell her the story about you and the tomboy recruit and we'll both blackmail you." he snapped.
    The other fell silent.
    I looked again to the young man. "Hey thanks." I whispered. "I'm Daala.  Daala Duchonovy." I extended my hand.
    "Kratas Winters." He replied, shaking my hand quickly. "Sorry about this but I think it would be better if we didn't talk to each other the rest of the trip. These guys can twist anything around."
    I nodded and fell silent, knowing somehow that this wouldn't be the last time I would be laughed at.
    Later as I got off the shuttle and began to look for the registration building a familiar hand grabbed me and pulled my in behind the shuttle. It was Kratas Winters again. "I shouldn't be telling you this but I'm going
to." he said.
    "Um, Okay..." I replied, wondering if he was some sort of psycho.
    "You're a woman. Because of that they're going to train you twice as hard and they'll be three times as mean. You'll get maybe an hour of sleep every other night and maybe a shower twice a week. They'll grind you into the ground and if that doesn't break your spirt they're apt to kill you.  If you want to go home that shuttle is going right back to Jyp 15. Take it our
leave it lady and you didn't hear this from me."  With that he began to walk away.
    "Thanks." I said, shouldering by bag. "But I'm not leaving till I'm an Admiral. Maybe then I'll go home."
    "If you make Admiral I'll be the King of Corellia." he muttered shaking his head at me. "Nice seeing you alive."