Subject: merryxmasv
Date: Tue, 04 May 1999 02:03:45 -0700
From: Trixie <trixie@wgn.net>
To: trixie@wgn.net

Dear Jax,

I’m sorry. It’s the only way I know how to begin this. I’m sorry I’m
gone, sorry I left so suddenly, sorry I’ve left you for the reason I
have, and sorry I didn’t have the courage to say this to your face.

We were going to be married next month. Were going to start our life
together, forever. But I realize now it can’t happen. I have a problem.
An addiction. To Sonny. I can’t be with him, but I can’t be without him,
either, therefore I can’t be with anyone else. So instead I’m traveling.
Traveling the world with my mother. I’m not choosing him over you Jax.
I’m not choosing either of you. It isn’t fair to you, it isn’t fair to
Sonny, and it isn’t fair to me. I want you to be happy Jax. I want you
to get over me and have a wonderful life, the kind of life you deserve
but couldn’t of had with me. You were right Jax. Sometimes it’s too late
to go home again.

I won’t say goodbye Jax. I don’t think I could ever say goodbye to you.
Instead, I’ll say until we meet again. And I’ll spare you the ‘let’s
just be friends’ speech. I will always be your friend, even if you don’t
want me to be.

Love always,

Brenda

~~~~

2 months later

The halls were decked with bells of holly. People were jolly this
season. Hell, there were even chestnuts roasting over an open fire.
Christmas at the Quartermaine’s was hellish as far as Jasper Jax was
concerned. He didn’t feel festive. He didn’t feel like celebrating the
joy of the season. He felt like shoving that glass of egg nog down AJ’s
obnoxious face, pulling a gun on Jason’s impassive one and just plain
old cold cocking Edward just to make his incessant bellowing stop. So
lost in thought was he, when a hand slapped down on his shoulder her
jumped.

Ned grinned at him. “Wanna sneak out of here with me? Maybe play
Corporate raider for a few hours. .. . cheat some unsuspecting tycoon
out of his latest acquisition?” he asks, raising an eyebrow, both their
coats already subtly draped over his arm. He inclines his head slightly.
“Or we could head to the Outback and get ridiculously drunk, drowning
our sorrows like any good single pirates living in the nineties would on
a lonely Christmas Eve.”

Jax lets out a deep sigh of relief. “Outta my way before I trample you,”
he mutters, the two of them exchanging a wry grin and escaping the
Christmas Eve ELQ Stockholders ‘gala’ Edward had felt the need to throw
this year with sheer, unadulterated joy.

“How goes the search for a  partner?” Ned asks casually, holding the
door open for Jax.

Shrugging in an equally casual manner, Jax quirks his lips. “Personally
or professionally?” he tosses back wryly.

Ned raises his eyebrows slightly, slipping behind the wheel of one of
the many Quartermaine cars. “Your choice,” he says slowly. “I was
inquiring as to your current professional situation. . . the last time
we talked, you weren’t interested in filling the rather large gap in
your personal life.”

Jax remains silent for the quick drive to the Outback, staring pensively
out the window. As the car rolls to a stop in front of the Outback, he
turns toward Ned. “How do you fill a gap when part of your soul is
missing?” he asks in a lost little boy voice.

Ned sighs deeply. “That is the eternal question,” he mutters. He looks
up and gives a pained, bitter smile. “Sorry, but I haven’t figured out
how to fill it yet myself.”

The two men open their doors and stride into the Outback, settling at a
table in back, far away from the Happy Holiday crowds.  “So,” Jax begins
slowly, folding his hands and leaning his chin on them, “am I being an
idiot for pining away for Brenda when she didn’t even have the decency
or respect for me to tell me she as leaving in person?”

Ned raises an eyebrow, his lips quirking with identifying humor. “Idiot
is such an unkind word,” he murmurs, flagging down a waiter and ordering
them two scotch on the rocks.

“Unkind, maybe. Accurate though?” Jax asks, a bit desperately.

Sighing, Ned leans back in his chair. “Lois left me over two years ago.
Our daughter recently celebrated her second birthday, and I haven’t seen
her more then a total of a hundred days in her life. Lois told me, point
blank she never loved me, she, in effect, loved someone else more, even
if that someone else was a facet of my personality.” Ned looks him in
the eyes carefully. “I still haven’t recovered from that. My heart still
aches when I think about the good times. I still miss her. I always
will.” He turns his head slightly. “Do you miss Brenda? Do you miss her
laugh, and her touch, and the way she said your name?”

Jax sighs. “Not really,” he mutters. At Ned’s incredulous look, Jax
shrugs. “I don’t miss those things, persay. What I miss is the chance to
say goodbye. My heart aches from the huge, gaping wound she tore into my
heart by swearing she wouldn’t leave, then leaving anyway. Without a
word.” Jax pounds his fist on the table once. “Damn her,” he mutters.

Ned looks at him carefully for a moment, then slowly smiles. “You’re not
heartbroken,” he murmurs with dawning amusement, “you’re pissed.”

Jax snaps his head up guiltily, then sighs, a sheepish expression on his
face. “Yea. Yea, I guess I am,” he murmurs defeatedly. “I really tried
to be destroyed by her leaving. I really tried to mope around for days,
caring of nothing but the loss of her. . . but then that big Tokyo deal
came up and I couldn’t mope anymore. I had to throw myself into it and
save J&J again.” Sighing, he glances up at Ned, his eyes alive again.
“Speaking of, how goes the plans?”

Ned grins mischievously. “They don’t suspect a thing,” he murmurs. “I’ll
have sole control of ELQ by Valentine’s Day.”

Nodding in agreement, Jax lifts his glass. “I should have J&J at the
same time - here’s to the best Valentine’s Day we’ll ever have.”

Ned lifts his glass, but holds it away from Jax for a moment, staring at
the light reflecting on the ice cubes. “Second best,” he whispers
softly, clinking their glasses and polishing off his drink.

Jax narrows his eyes. “How’s Alexis?” he asks, feigning a casual air.

Ned snorts derisively. “At this precise moment, probably fucking Luke
Spencer,” he says, smiling gratefully at the waiter with the rather
large eyes as he takes his second drink, sipping at it.

Jax clears his throat. “My, my, my. . . Trouble afoot between Mr. & Mrs.
Spencer I take it?”

Ned looks at him like he’s sprouted a second head. “Where the hell have
you been?” he asks, aghast.

“California,” Jax reminds him, as though speaking to a small child. “For
the past two weeks I’ve been in California negotiating the sale of my
Malibu house.”

Ned nods. “I remember now,” he murmurs. He grins. “After having
miraculously turned up alive, Katherine Bell was found in the Spencer
living room, sans head.” Ned chuckles. “You’ll forgive my dark sense of
humor, but they haven’t found the head yet.” Downing the rest of his
drink, he signals for another and leans forward. “Turns out, Kat flipped
when she returned from the dead to find Laura Spencer playing mother to
her own son.” Ned waggles his eyebrows.

“The nerve of that woman,” Jax mutters sarcastically. “Go on, go on.”

Ned pops an ice cube into his mouth and sucks on it. “All right.
Katherine tried to kill Laura. Stefan killed her instead. It was ruled
justifiable homicide by the illustrious Det. Taggert himself. I don’t
know what happened personally, but the next day Luke moved out, Laura
moved out, the house was put up for sale, Laura headed for Wyndemere and
I have the rather unpleasant image of walking into Alexis’ hotel room to
find her on top of Luke Spencer.”

Jax sits back in his chair, a low whistle escaping from his lips as he
takes his second drink from the waiter. “That’ll teach me to leave town
before the holidays,” he mutters.

Chuckling, Ned nods his head. “Unless you’re prepared to never come back
again,” he murmurs distractedly.

Jax raises an eyebrow at his tone. “You thinking of abandoning me this
close to our goal mate?” he asks in a tone that doesn’t even come close
to being judgmental.

Ned swallows and looks at him, then away again. “I miss my daughter,” he
says softly. “I don’t even really know her, and I miss her.”

“I’d wager you miss her mother, too,” Jax murmurs softly.

Ned turns his head back, their eyes meeting for a moment. He takes
another sip of his drink, swallowing deeply again. His eyes focus on the
door to the Outback for a moment, then back toward Jax. “I’ve gotta go,”
he says suddenly.

Jax raises an eyebrow. “Where?” he asks. “You’re going to leave me all
alone on Christmas Eve, no one to talk to, and a gaping wound in my
chest with not a qualified person in sight to repair it.”

Ned smiles slightly, standing up and leaning down toward Jax. “I don’t
know where I’ll end up, but I’m gonna get into the back of a cab and
have him drive toward Brooklyn.”

“Again?” Jax asks, taking a sip of his scotch.

Ned chuckles and picks up his coat off the back of his chair, turning.
“Maybe this time I’ll actually make it all the way,” he murmurs, patting
Jax on the back. “Courage Partner,” he murmurs, turning and walking
away.

Jax sighs, taking another sip of his scotch. He almost jumps out of his
chair when a bubbly figure sits down in the chair opposite him and
smiles widely. He returns her smile. “Hello V,” he greets amiably.

“Hello Jax,” she says softly, placing both arms on top of each other on
the table and leaning her head against them. “So how can I help?”

Jax furrows his eyebrows. “Help?” he asks, confused.

She nods. “Ned said you had something he thought I was the only person
qualified to help you fix,” she says, beginning to wonder if she’d been
sent on a wild goose chase.

Jax was confused for only a second longer before realization dawned on
his face and he smiles a little, turning to half glare half smile at the
spot Ned had just vacated on his way out the door. He turns back to V
and removes all trace of a glare from his face. “Ned’s a good friend,”
he says softly, giving her a long, slow appraisal.

V swallows, shrinking a little under his scrutiny. “What? Do I have
something on my face?” she asks, her hand coming up to feel along her
cheeks.

Jax laughs and takes her hand, bringing it to his mouth and kissing her
knuckles gently. “No,” he murmurs, his accent more pronounced as his
voice grows lower. “I was just momentarily left paralyzed by your
beauty.”

V rolls her eyes. “Nice line Jax,” she says, snickering a little.

“Isn’t it?” he asks. “I’ve used it before, but I don’t think I’ve ever
mean it before. Until now,” he adds, almost in a whisper.

V’s eyes widen. “What. . . . what did Ned think you needed my help for?”
she chokes out.

Jax breaks the stare they had going on. “Nothing. He was wrong,” he says
softly, standing and laying down a few bills, paying for the drinks.
“There’s some extra money there - have anything you like, on me.”

V blinks a few times then jumps up. “Uh. . . wait. I have something for
you.” She rolls her eyes. “I have a Christmas present for you.”

Jax puts his hands in his pocket and looks at her expectantly.

V stares at him for a moment then shakes her head. “Oh, not here. In my
apartment.” She tosses her head toward the direction of her apartment by
the Outback. “It won’t take long,” she promises.

Jax smiles. “Lead the way,” he murmurs, picking up his coat and
following her.

~~~~

“It’s right in here,” V calls to him from her bedroom. “I know I left it
here somewhere. . . just a minute.”

Jax smiles, looking around her apartment at all the little touches that
screamed VENUS. The easel set up by the window, the case files and book
of Judo on the coffee table. Romance novels and crime dramas sit,
scattered around the sofa and a half eaten box of mallomars rest on the
table.

“Ha! Found it!” V exits the bedroom triumphantly to find Jax edging the
cover of the painting currently resting on her easel up. “Jax!” she
sputters, hurrying over and covering it again.

Jax looks at her, an amused look on his face. “What?” he asks
innocently.

“That’s. . . private,” V mutters, walking over to the couch and leaning
against it. “Now, do you want your present or not?” she asks haughtily.

Jax laughs. “You couldn’t pull snobbish off if you tried,” he murmurs,
sitting down on the couch.

Grimacing slightly, V sits down on the arm next to him and thrusts the
small box in his hands. “Fine, crush my ambitions as an actress.”

“You can still be an actress,” he soothes gently, opening the box. “You
just can’t play a snob.”

V smacks him lightly on the shoulder. “Just rip the paper,” she mutters.

Jax rips into the gift, letting out a little sound of surprise and
happiness when he sees what’s inside. “Wow,” he murmurs, pulling out a
small silver necklace with a Celtic knot pendant on the end of it. The
pendant is a series of loops with a single heart shaped blue stone in
the center.

V smiles, a bit nervously. “Um. . . it’s supposed to be protection.
That’s what the guy at the jewelry store said, anyway. The blue stone is
supposed to keep your heart calm in the face of danger and adversity.”
She smiles a little, then looks away. “I know it sounds pretty dumb,
but--”

Jax sets the box to the side and puts his arm around her waist, tugging
her off the arm of the couch and into his lap. He kisses her forehead
gently. “Thank you Venus,” he murmurs. “It’s the best Christmas present
I’ve gotten in years.”

V’s entire body is stiff and her eyes are wide. “You’re welcome,” she
stumbles out. She scrambles out of his lap and sits next to him,
smiling. “So. . . . what are your plans for the holidays?”

Jax shrugs. “Work. Take over a few conglomerates while everyone else is
drinking egg nog and kissing under mistletoe.”

V swallows deeply, looking him in the eye. “Would you like some egg
nog?” she asks in a throaty voice.

Jax looks her in the eye. “Yea,” he whispers softly.

V stands up quickly and rushes into the kitchen. Jax blinks a few times,
taking a deep breath. He slowly stands up and walks around the couch to
her easel. Looking around guiltily for a moment, he quickly lifts up the
cover before his conscious can yell at him. His entire body freezes as
he looks at the easel.

“I didn’t have egg nog so what about some hot. . .” V trails off as she
sees him looking at the easel. He snaps his head up and their eyes
connect. “Apple cider,” she mumbles lamely, looking anywhere but at him.

“V,” he murmurs in an awe filled tone.

“That’s the name, don’t wear it out,” she says nervously, worrying her
hands behind her back.

Jax looks between her and the easel for a moment, his eyes finally
settling on the easel again. A portrait of him. He was wearing a loose
white shirt, first few buttons undone, sitting on the patio of his
Malibu house, the ocean behind him. But it wasn’t the beach, or his
attire that caught Jax’s attention. It was his eyes. The way she’d
painted them. He could see inside his own soul and he wondered if this
is how she truly saw him. Jax slowly turns and walks over to V, standing
in front of her, looking down at her. “I didn’t get you anything,”
murmurs softly.

“That’s perfectly all right,” V blurts out nervously. “I mean you didn’t
have to get me anything. I didn’t want anything.” She shuts her eyes.
“No, that’s not true. I mean, I did - I do - want something, but it’s
okay that you didn’t get me anything--”

“Venus,” Jax interrupts, his softly spoken use of her name enough to
silence her.

“Yes?” she squeaks.

“Shut up,” he mutters, leaning down and kissing her mouth very softly,
no other part of his body touching hers.

V shuts her eyes, then opens them when he moves back, staring up at him
dazed. “Jax?” she whispers.

He moves his eyes up above her head. “Mistletoe,” he murmurs when she
follows his line of sight.

Blinking a few times, V backs away from him, forcing a smile she doesn’t
feel. “Of course,” she murmurs, walking over to the couch and perching
on the arm again.

Furrowing his eyebrows, Jax walks over to the coffee table and sits down
on the edge, facing her, having to look up to see her face clearly.
“What did I do V?” he asks in a soft, gentle voice.

“Nothing,” V says quickly. Too quickly. She sighs. “I just. . .
should’ve known you kissed me because there was mistletoe, not because
you wanted to.. . well. . . kiss me,” she finishes, bowing her head and
closing her eyes.

Jax slides off the coffee table onto his knees in front of her. He moves
his hand to her cheeks, holding her face between them. He pulls her head
down until their faces are barely an inch apart. “The job Ned thought
you would be perfect to help me with was the systematic healing and
repair of my tattered and broken soul,” he whispers softly, smiling a
bit mischievously. “Although I’ve been fooling everyone into thinking my
heart was a bit more broken then it is. My pride aches a lot more.”

V swallows deeply. “Jax,” she whispers.

“Would you like the job V?” he asks, his voice that of a hopeful
child’s. “You’re definitely qualified.”

V leans forward and kisses him gently, then pulls back, looking at him
as though she expects the sky to fall at any moment. “What about
Brenda?” she forces herself to ask.

“Brenda,” Jax says softly, “is not here. She doesn’t matter to me
Venus.” He smiles. “You do.”

Smiling tremulously, V places her hands on his shoulders. “In that case,
Mr. Jacks, I’ll take the job,” she whispers, touching her lips to his
and falling off the couch against him.

Chuckling, Jax falls back onto the carpet with her, holding her against
him tightly as he kisses her. “Hey,” he whispers into her ear. “No
mistletoe.”

V laughs out loud, sitting up, straddling his hips and looking down at
him. “We don’t need no stinking mistletoe,” she murmurs, pulling her
blouse off and tossing it to the side. She frowns a little. “Am I being
too forward?” she asks, as though it were an afterthought.

Jax shakes his head, staring at her chest for a moment before moving his
eyes back to hers. “Not even a little,” he whispers, leaning up and
kissing her, running his hands down her bare back.

“Good,” she murmurs around a laugh, kissing him. “I wouldn’t wanna come
off as too aggressive.”

“No worries, Officer Ardanowski,” he murmurs, his fingers dipping under
the waist band of her skirt quickly.

With a speed Jax hadn’t realized she possessed, V lifted his body up,
stripped off his shirt and his pants, leaving him laying there in his
black silk boxers. “No worries,” she agrees, laying her body against his
again and placing a series of biting kisses along his chest.

Letting out a groan, Jax runs his hands up her skirt, lifting it around
her waist and shoving her panties down her hips, letting her wiggle out
of them. V runs her hand inside his boxers, wrapping her hand around his
erection and squeezing tightly before stroking it, her thumb moving over
the tip in small circles. Jax arches against her hand, his own running
down her back to her ass, moving over her hip and slipping between her
legs. His thumb moves over her clit, rubbing softly. V lets out a low
moan, her mouth moving over one of his nipples, sucking it into her
mouth, swirling her tongue around it. “Venus,” Jax chokes out.

“Hmm?” she murmurs in a teasing tone, her hand still stroking, her mouth
still sucking.

“You’re killing me,” he whispers. “It’s been too long.” He places his
hand over hers, removing it from inside his boxers. His fingers continue
to move over her clit, and he smiles when she arches against his hand.

“What, you can do me but I can’t do you?” she asks in an aggrieved tone
she feigns nicely, placing a quick kiss against his neck.

Rolling his eyes, Jax places a hand on her lower back, rolling them over
and pinning her beneath him. “Why don’t we just do each other, eh?” he
murmurs, waggling his eyebrows, his mouth descending on her throat, his
tongue snaking out to suck at the pulse there.

Laughing and moaning at the same time, V arches against him, wrapping
her legs around his waist. “So shut up and fuck me Jax,” she murmurs,
wrapping her arms around his shoulders.

“Whatever the lady wants,” he murmurs against her ear, slipping slowly
inside her, an inch at a time until he can’t go any deeper.

They both let out slow groans, resting their foreheads together. Jax
moves a little, stroking in and out of her, holding her hips against
his. V raises her hips off the floor, thrusting against his as her hands
run up and down his spine, her fingers feathering over his skin. “Jax,”
she whispers against his ear. “Jax.”

Jax runs his hands underneath her hips, pulling them up, lifting them
against him as he thrusts into her harder, faster. One of his hands
moves up to her breast, his thumb rubbing over her nipple. Their skin is
so close together that every time he thrusts into her, his pelvic bone
brushes over her clit. V leans back into the carpet, then arches up
again as her body begins to tighten. Jax leans down to her ear,
whispering softly. “Come for me Venus.”

V lets out a long, low moan that turns into a scream as she comes hard
against him, her legs tightening around his hips. Jax lets out a low
groan against her neck, his own orgasm hitting him suddenly as he pushes
her back into the carpet, pumping in and out of her furiously. “Venus,”
he whispers her name, over and over again like a prayer.

After a few moments, their bodies are still. V runs her fingers up his
back, running them through his hair, stroking it gently. He places a
kiss over her heart, his head resting against her breast. “I apologize
for the brevity of that encounter, and I assure you it won’t be repeated
in future,” he whispers.

V lets out a giggle and tilts his head up to look at her. “You sound
like a CEO,” she murmurs, smiling.

Jax shrugs. “I am a CEO,” he says helplessly.

Biting her lip, V leans forward and kisses his mouth gently. “Not with
me you aren’t. Not like this.” Her eyes are gentle as she delivers the
reproach.

Jax smiles back at her. “Is that how the healing begins?” he asks
gently. “No corporate talk after I’ve just made love to a woman I happen
to adore?”

V closes her eyes and smiles at him, leaning back against the carpet and
pulling him with her, kissing his mouth gently. “No. You’re just not
allowed to minimize any sexual encounters as though they were too brief
- sometimes brief is fun,” she says, laughing a little as he delivers a
sloppy smacking kiss to her cheek.

“Do you have any desire to move off the floor?” he asks softly.

V shakes her head. “Nope.” She squeezes his hips a little with her legs,
her arms still around him, fingers still buried in his hair.

“Hey V?” he whispers softly.

“What?” she whispers back as he lays his cheek down against her breast
again.

“Merry Christmas.”

~~~~