So you have finally made it to the now. I started this journal and intend to keep it updated weekly. For my health and your reading enjoyment. I call my new Journal endeavor "Borderline...." enjoy.
August 6th 2003.
I just moved back from Kansas city last week. The city was a learning experience, to say the least. There are things I never knew. Some I never wanted to. Some I don’t want anyone else to know. All that is water under the bridge now.
Currently though I have a distinct feeling of resentment towards my fellow man. I resent having failed miserably. I resent having to come back “home”. I put that in quotes because I really feel I have no existing home. I haven’t established it yet. Sure I am living with my parents and this should be home. Its not. Since I told them something is different. Tainted. Its just where my parents live now. The home I knew growing up is just a memory. Lost in the destruction of my universe.
So I am job hunting like a mad man, I am staying up over night sometimes so I can be “up early” the next morning. I am running myself into the ground trying to dig my way out of it. Then I get accused for the second time of being lazy assed. I slept in one day until 4:30 pm…. To be expected after 53 hrs of awake time. My explanation I was busy. Then I spent two more days of working and regaining a social life. And I accidentally slept in again today. Dad and I have been fighting since I woke up. Its stupid. But he said something that hurt a lot. Basically, This is probably why you failed. You know it maybe, but FUCK YOU for saying it. Now unlike the majority of the world I don’t feel like I am a broken tattered little weakling, I feel like a broken tattered little weakling with a determination that hasn’t failed me yet. I don’t need people to talk to me if they are going to say things like that. I am sick of that shit. I wanted to say “Will you just shut the fuck up and let me be.” He also said something else. Its this bullshit sentence that people use like its duct tape “the fix all” “We wouldn’t say anything if we weren’t concerned.” Okay so I don’t feel people are obstacles but most are in my way. “If we weren’t concerned” If your so concerned then why can’t you see you aren’t helping. Putting me down at every junction I come to, no matter what direction I go. IT DOESN’T ASSIST ME. I love my parents I love them very much. Sometimes though…. ACK!!!
August 18th, 2003
Alright so in my last entry I got down with my drama queen self. Crazy fool. Anyway, I have been working at Studio 13, the resident Iowa City Gay bar. I am truly loving it. Last night I wanted to go home after while, it was just ridiculous busy and I was tired as shit. I met a boy yesterday, His name is Tyler, and he seemed very cool so I agreed to spend more than just our lunch date together. I had a blast. He was entered in the Mr. Gay Waterloo contest, so I went to be his “personal assistant”. It was very fun. At the same time my feelings for him started to grow, and as usual my brain went on vacation for decision time. And I asked him out. He said yes and we were dating just like that. Then he came down to the bar and had a few drinks with his roommate, I had a bad night and really couldn’t pay attention to him. So he ended up going home and saying goodbye when he left. So today I logged onto gay.com and he pvted me. After some small talk and chitchat we broke up. Laugh my ass off I did it again, beat my own record for shortest relationship. Oh well. It wasn’t meant to be.
September 17, 2003
So much for weekly updates. Oh well. So I met this guy on gay.com. I am falling for him head over heels. I am trying to keep my guard up against myself. I have in the past.... umm shall we say rushed into things. So this seems real and really worth it. His name is Mark. I haven't met him yet. I have talked to him on the phone once. And the past few days i have been working at my new job and staying at a friends so I have been completely out of contact. I am jonesen for this man just because we haven't talked in a couple of days. Anyway in other news. I will be moving officially to Iowa city soon. Finally. I practically live there anyway. I go to work sleep go to work sleep go to work sleep. Occasionally although not very often I eat just so i can keep it up. I am actually happy with this arrangement for now. Keeps me outta trouble, removes temptation, and mostly I can't spend if i don't have time. So its good all around. Tonight is my night off and I was so tuckered I didn't want to go out. Yeah me. I save money and it is good. So in the last few nights and days though a few things have happened. Drama Drama Drama Drama. And only some of it is mine. Mostly because i don't know what to do about them. LOL Aight so one of my friends got a proposal the other day she didn't answer ordered another beer. They have known each other a month and spent most of it fighting. The other straight girl her man is going to panama and she seems to think he is already there and dead in the jungle somewhere. One of the guys is having issues with a boy he loves who loves him but refuses to show that he loves him and they are both so fed up with each other they are even more in love... without talking.(figure that one out lemme know. Another person i know whom I had a huge crush on and he told me he wasn't looking for a relationship. Is in a relationship. Oh yeah and his "boyfriend" wants to drop him and go out with me. Oh yes and then someone in the apartment where all five of the people i am talking about live, some one is stealiing money and cigarrettes and they are all turning on each other. They put the real world to shame. Specially since there are two straight girls and three gay boys and two random people at any given time. I am sorta living there while I am working so I am the gay boy who gets no air time. LOL Anyway your caught up for now. I'll put a new entry in when I feel like it. Laterz
Sept 18. 2003
Beauty is a form of genius-is higher, indeed, than genius, as it needs no explanation. It is one of the great facts in the world like sunlight, or springtime, or the reflection in dark water of that silver shell we call the moon.
-Oscar Wilde
You appear to be motivated by aesthetic values. This means that you wish to surround yourself with beauty, form and balance. You have a creative, unusual way of thinking, and want the environment that you surround yourself with to be reflective of that. Without creative outlets, you will feel extremely stifled. If you work or live in unattractive, dreary environment, it probably has a very negative effect on you. You are open-minded, adventurous and like change. You have an adventurous nature, and you wish to see a lot of different things in your lifetime. As a result, you like art, literature, music, and other forms of creative expression.
People with aesthetic values are open to many different paths in life. Their friends may often comment that they never know what these individual's hair color/house/garden will look like next. It is possible that these individuals seek to be different out of a fear of being boring. In any case, they value being unusual/creative and seek to be surrounded by creative, whimsical thinkers.
A career with lots of freedom and the opportunity to be creative is essential for those who share your values. Attempts by employers to force aesthetic individuals to be more efficient or productive may backfire, as they have a different way of thinking and need to work in an unstructured environment. They can be very productive, but on their own terms and at their own pace. Creativity cannot be forced. Careers that people with aesthetic values enjoy include: artist, musician, TV producing, art directing, advertising design, museum or gallery work.
These are test results that describe me very effcienntly
New entry same day. Why? thats all I ask. Of course thats all everyone asks when they feel like I do right now. Why though? Why do I submitt this power to her? Yes she is my mother, but I simply mention something about who I truely am, (You know a DIRTY DIRTY FAGGOT) , and she flys out of the room saying something offensive, such as this time, when she ran out of the room saying "Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!". I simply mentioned that I would be out of town for the weekend. I am going to go see Mark. I am listening to Matchbox 20 -- Unwell. Its the only song that makes sense anymore. "I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell." I have sort of spoken to Mark about it (my crazy). But I cannot help but feel no one will ever be able to understand. No one will every be able to fully know me the way I long and need to be known. To be loved. I am so angry right now. I hate, I loathe, I distance, I curl up, and I cry. But theres never a psychologist there when I cry, they never see. Theres never someone who understands. Fuck theres not even anyone who understands period. "Its" aparently called Schitzo-Affirmia or something close to that. Basically it means there are miscommunications between the nerve centers that produce and regulate emotional responses. Therefore all of my emotions are extremely intense with out reason or cause to be so amplified. Unless I implement my own mental processes to conciously reglate and subdue myself. There are no drugs to help. Antidepressants are like throwing gasoline on a manic bonfire. I go into emotional shock and feel nothing. Emotional suppressants throw it on the other bonfire and I become a useless unmotivated lump. I feel like the whole thing is this dark side of me. One I didn't ask for full of pain full of fear. Almost a seperate entity. I swear if some doctor somewhere doesn't find a way to understand and help. Soon even the processes I use will fail, and I am gonna crack up. Then i will be like everyone thought I was when i did lose it for awhile.... even then I had control over him. Now I am losing it. He gets more powerful day by day and slowly he comes out. Now don't think I have completely lost it. "He" isn't a seperate person, or even seperate persona inside me. i just don't understand who I am when I feel like "he" is in charge. I am hateful, I feel defensive weak, scared, and heres the reason for the title "Borderline.... fucking insane." I have never gotten to the point i want to hurt me or others. But I can't help but be fearful.. what if i do lose control. Who would I be? What would I do? Would I remeber who I was before? Could i come back? Now still don't get me wrong. I am not in the red zone yet, but yellow is looking pretty common to me lately. I suspect that because of the emotions I feel when I go into these times of fear anxiety etc. The emotions are so intense that i am logically sorting into another "he". That way I can best rationalize in my own mind, my own feelings and take an uninvolved third party position. This way when "dealing" I do not become consumed by those emotions which are mine. On the flip-side of this same coin, this cannot be a healthy coping process and indeed could lead to other more involved problems. For instance if "true seperation" were to occur. In which situation he and I, in fact, did become different entites of the same whole constantly struggling for control. Now given that I am no psychologist but I do sense seperation would be a bad thing for me and me. Just kidding. I feel a little better now. I distracted myself, the trauma has subsided for now.
Mental Process Implementation Complete. Emotional Stability Restored. Running Full System Diagnosis............ Please Wait............
