The April/May Smith? Quotefile.
Welcome everyone to the latest Quote File. The Quote File is basically the
"best and brightest" of rec.arts.drwho - that is, the funniest quotes to
appear in the newsgroup as nominated by *you*. To that end, if you see a
quote you think derserves an entry in the Quote File, just mail me at
smithrj2@mcmail.cis.mcmaster.ca
and include the attributions and the quote in full.
Since this newsgroup is more than full of it's fair share of
off-topic/pointless stuff, I'd like to request that you *don't* waste
bandwidth by shouting "Quotefile!" in the newsgroup - email it to me
instead!
Disclaimer: The copyright of all material contained herein remains with
the original poster. No attempt is made to supercede any copyright and the
Quote File maintains its impartiality under Fair Use for purposes of
Comment or Review.
On with the quotes!
============
Phil Hallard wrote:
>Well, true. But, in the light of First Frontier, how doe one explain the
>statement in the voice over to the effect that "Time Lords have thirteen
>lives, and he had used up all of his"?
Because otherwise it would be:
"Time Lords have thirteen lives, and he used up all of his. He'd done that
by season 14, actually. Four years later he was back, and he possessed
the body of one of my companion's father. Things get tricky from then -
he seemed to have two hearts when I met the Rani, so it looked like
he'd gained a new regeneration cycle.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, if you take the books as canon, then
things get really complicated.... "
Lance 16/4/97
==========
Sherrill Heer said:
> : It is not just the sex that I see fans opposed to
Christopher D. Heer wrote:
> This is pretty much a fundamental truth in fandom.
Well, I guess this is what happens when you work away from home...
telephone sex. It's always fun to listen in to family conversations.
Mind you, I'd have given both my NTSC copies of "Timelash" to be
a fly on the wall in the Scarlioni bedroom...
Countess: I love your strong nylon hair,
your loose facial skin, the way you look cross-eyed when you're
concentrating...
Count: The centuries that divide me shall be undone.
Countess: Now now, dear, you mustn't take to heart all that
nonsense you hear at the Club. Between them, they've enough
left over from their various nips and tucks to fill the Louvre.
Count: The centuries that divide me shall be un...done
Countess: Is there... anything else you'd
like undone, my love?
Count: Not tonight dear, I have a headache. In fact, I have
several.
Peter Anghelides 16/4/97
PS: Sorry to use the word in a post about sex.
===========
James A. Wolf wrote:
>So many of the Davidson era stories were top notch tales. My personal
^^^^^^^
Dear Mr. Wolf:
Upon careful examination of your above quoted posting, we have come to
the conclusion that you may be the personification of ultimate evil.
Our determination was based on:
1. Your misspelling of THE NAME THAT MUST NOT BE MISSPELLED.
This, we believe is an attempt to introduce an element of chaos into
an otherwise orderly universe. Such elements tend to propagate
themselves, ultimately causing a significant increase in entropy and
hastening the destruction of the universe.
2. Your name, which evokes the "Wolf of Fenric."
We believe this requires no further explanation.
3. Your identification of Four to Doomsday as a "guilty pleasure."
We would discuss our reasoning on this point, however, discussion of
Four to Doomsday tends to have a similar effect to point 1.
Therefore, having been identified as a snarling, drooling minion of
evil, we would ask you to report to one of our villan processing
centers at your earliest convenience for issuance of a villan
identification number and card.
Thank you.
Elsa Frohman 16/4/97
=========
[Subject: Re: Auction sales in Paris]
Juliette Gassmann wrote:
>Hello dear collectors,
>For anyone interested in viewing, buying or selling art, visit France
>Auction Web :
>http://www.auction-fr.com
>Interesting oncoming sales in Paris soon :
>-Vintage cars on the hammer of the french auctioneer Matre Poulain-Le Fur
>-Modern and contemporary engravings and prints under the hammer of
>Matres Calmels, Chambre, Cohen
>Feel free to join our club if you're interested in particular items,
>modern paintings, pre-columbian art, asian art, french antique
>furniture, ceramic, glass-works...
>http://www.auction-fr.com/club.html
>Hope you'll enjoy visiting our site, The French Great illustrated
>auction sale catalogue !
Let's get on-topic, shall we?
For anyone interested in viewing, buying or selling art, visit France
Auction Web :
http://www.jaggaroth.milky.way
Interesting oncoming sales in Paris soon :
-Goethenburg Bibles
-Trench coats with turned up collars
-Original Mona Lisa by Leonardo (hurry hurry, only four left)
-Louis Cairns chair, one careful owner (Dave Owen)
Don't let anything get in the way of you and these fabulous
antiques. The centuries that divide you shall be undone, and
all for less than 40,000 francs!
Peter Anghelides 17/4/97
===========
[Subject: Re: Kinda]
Is it true that this story had the provisional title
of "Sorta" ???
Mike Teague 18/4/97
========
Robert Smith? wrote:
> (One of the universe's little mysteries, another of which is how could
> Peri communicate with Ycarnos once the Doctor had left Thoros Beta - I
> guess that'd be a problem for Steven Taylor as well...)
Steven Taylor had to communicate with Ycarnos after the Doctor left
Thoros Beta?
Blimey.
Christopher D. Heer 19/4/97
=========
Jim Sangster wrote:
>In a DWM interview with Pip and Jane Baker after Trial, they told the
>interviewer "we're writing a story about a giant brain", which sort of
>makes the "what's behind the door" mystery a bit pointless.
Proves nothing. That could've been any giant brain behind the door.
Luke Gutzwiller 19/4/97
=========
Keith Topping wrote:
>One of the things I like *most* about 'The Awakening' (one of my half-a-
>dozen favourite Doctor stories incidentally), is that it exposes the
>padding inherent in most four part stories. It's a stripped-to-the-bone
>tale, which uses every minute of its screen time to good effect -
>there's hardly to shot, or a line of dialogue that doesn't work or isn't
>needed.
"Now we see the padding inherent in the system! Now we see the
padding inherent in the system! Help, help! I'm being chased down
a corridor!"
Corey Klemow 22/4/97
=========
>> As a small service to anyone still bothering to read this thread, I
>> thought I'd offer a brief summary of the argument about the girl so far:
>> #1 The girl is in the graveyard with Ratcliffe and his men.
>> #2 The girl vanishes from screen (see below)
>> #3 Ratcliffe and his men continue working for some non trivial, but
>> unspecified time.
>> #4 They drive a lorry back to the warehouse
>> #5 The girl is already there
>> Now the main question is: Is this a plot hole?
>> John Peel says yes, on the basis that the girl might be hiding from
>> Ratcliffe and his men, rather than having left the graveyard earlier than
>> they did.
>> Of course, by that reasoning, there are enormous gaping holes in any
>> story you care to name: Just how *did* Sarah and Harry get back from the
>> Thal dome in Genesis when they might have been kidnapped by Drahvins and
>> tormented with feathers for three hours? Answer *that* one Bob and Terry!
>Robert, I knew you couldn't resist this one for much longer. And that
>you'd misunderstand it.
>Let's try it agin, one more time, just for you. Ratcliffe is talking to
>the girl. His men call him to say they've found the Hand. He looks around
>at them, then |----------------------------|e's vanished.
| Ladies and Gentlmen! Allow |
>Now, where is | me to present an act so |me to run to the gate. So she
>must be hiding| outrageous, so terrifying |l explanation that I can see.
>Perhaps you ca| that you'll be on the EDGE |
| of your SEAT! |
>The Hand is lo| He ducks, he twists, he |oats quite happily, I don't
>see that as ta| turns - and still no one |?). The lorry heads back to
>Ratcliffe's ya| can tackle the master! Can |e.
| this man possibly continue |
>It *is* possib| these amazing feats of |forever, but there's no reason
>to believe it.| danger and derring do? |cliffe's goons are all so
>keggy-handed t| Let's hear it for the |ry in less than an hour, I
>certainly coul| one and only, the Amazing, |o evidence either way. But the
>flow of the st| Slippery John "the banana" | swift, thanks to the editing.
| Peel!!! |
>It just seems | - The Ringmaster |girl beat them back. It may
>not be Ben's f|----------------------------|ped from scripts for various
>reasons). I think the main problem is that I like my stories to flow
>logically, and Ben prefers symbolically.
>Cheers,
>John Peel
===========
Here's a short list of commandments for the young Doctor Who
novelist...
1. Thou shalt not include the term "reverse the polarity of the
nuetron flow"
2. Thou shalt not write from the first person point of view of a
companion, Especially if it's Kameleon.
Example:
"I could hear things going on in the control room, but alas I was
unable to move. I heard the external doors open and footsteps walk
out. Exactly ninety minutes later, they came back, and we were in
flight once again..."
3. Thou shalt not use an alternate universe that's sort of like
Middle Earth, but the little short guys with hairy feet are called
Bobbits, and their favorite weapon is a butcher knife.
4. Thou shalt not use the term "Column", when refering to the "Time
Rotor".
5. Thou shalt not use the phrase "worst companion ever" when refering
to Mel, I know it's difficult, but that's why you get paid the big
bucks to come up with ways around such things.
6. Thou shalt be careful when spell checking a 1st or 5th Doctor
story. The computer will try to turn all of the "Hmmm"s into "reverse
the polarity of the nuetron flow"
7. Thou shalt not change the TARDIS into the shape of your "blue
mini", just because you want to ride around town screaming "I'm in a
TARDIS, I'm in a TARDIS!"
8. Thou shalt back up your hard drive.
9. Thou shalt not use a Book of the Bible in the title in ANY way!
( i.e. "Song of Solomon of the Daleks", or "Timwyrm:Leviticus")
10. And finally, thou shalt not retcon. Let's turn that into a
Mantra:
Speak it with me young writers:
I will not retcon
I will not retcon
I will not retcon...
Lance Hall 24/4/97
==========
"eolas" wrote:
>As soon as I read the back of the box about a
>Time Lord at Cambridge, I thought of Reg, from
>DG'sHDA.
^^^^^^^
Look! A clue!
Paul Rhodes 26/4/97
==========
David Elliott wrote:
> If the Doctor is EVER brought back, I hope it's not like that stupid TV
> movie that was on FOX back in October!
Yeah, I'd much rather see something like the intelligent TV movie that
was on Fox back in May.
Ian McIntire 26/4/97
===========
trboturtle@aol.com (TrboTurtle) wrote:
> If the Daleks didn't own Skaro, who were they renting it from - the Thals
> ???
"At last, DocTOR," croaked Davros, "I have you in my power. You were a
FOOL to return to Skaro. Now, I shall wrest the secrets of Rassilon from
your puny mind and the DALEKS shall beCOME LORDS of TIME!" The Doctor
writhed in the metal bands holding him to the Mind Probe, but to no
avail. There was no escape this time. "Nothing can stop me now, DocTOR!"
As the last harsh syllable echoed around the chamber, Davros resealed
his bulbous white shell. There was a flash of light and a clap of
thunder. A Thal stood in the middle of the room. He consulted a
clipboard bulging with documents, nodded once, and strode boldly over to
Davros, the Emperor Dalek. He rapped sharply on the shell. "Davros, I
know you're in there! Open up!" The dome slid back, revealing Davros
hissing with rage. "How did you find me?" "There's no escape for you,
Davros. It's time...to pay your rent. You're a month behind." "Hold
your prattling tongue! I'm right in the middle of mastering the secrets
of time! Just one more week, and you shall have your money." "I'm not
falling for that one again." The Thal landlord glanced down at his
clipboard once again. "You now owe us 5x10^6 Altairian Dollars. Payment
due immediately...OR YOU SHALL BE EVICTED!" "I beg of you, do not do
this!" Davros's rasping voice betrayed his rising panic. "Nothing can
stop it now!" A note of triumph crept into the Thal's voice. At long
last, his most annoying tenant was finally and completely in his power.
"Have pity on MEEEE!" Davros snivelled, writhing in fear. "I have pity
for you. Goodbye, Davros. It hasn't been pleasant," the Thal declaimed.
He thrust a crumpled page into Davros's horrific face. "I want you and
your Daleks off this planet by Wednesday."
Luke Gutzwiller 30/4/97
==========
[Subject: Re: The last word on retconning]
There are some interesting parallels here. It seems strangely
appropriate that a discussion about dalek continuity should end up as a
arguement between two factions, not easily distinguishable to outsiders,
one of which remains faithful to the creator of the daleks.
Ken Mann 30/4/97
==========
[Subject: Re: Colin Was:Your First Doctor]
Yes yes, I admit it. Colin Was My First Doctor.
But after gaining confidence with Colin, it wasn't before long that I
found the courage to make a play for and successfully get Peter
Davison at a convention, and later Sylvester McCoy. I've had three
Doctors now, and would like to add McGann to the list...
(No thanks on Tom, though, and the idea of Pertwee in the buff, YIKES.
Troughton would be like having sex with an uncle or something...)
(And let's not even talk about Hartnell, it's giving me the chills.)
Greg McElhatton 30/4/97
==========
[Subject: Re: Monty Python's Flying TARDIS]
VOICE[And Caption]: How to recognise monsters from a very long way away.
(Picture of an Axon)
VOICE[And Caption]: Number one: The Axon. The Axon.
(The fifth Doctor lies on the ground, dying...)
MASTER: Mwahaha!
(Suddenly the Doctor sits up, and it's Colin)
DOCTOR: And now for something completely different.
PERI: It's... It's... It's...
[Opening credits, foot squashes TARDIS]
(Ben and Polly help the first Doctor stumble through the TARDIS doors)
DOCTOR: Hmm? Hmm? Yes, my dear treddleton, one ot skew out a mill!
POLLY: What?
DOCTOR: Hmm? Hmm? Yes, my dear treddleton, one ot skew out a mill!
POLLY: I'm sorry, I can't understand a thing you're saying.
(DOCTOR regenerates)
DOCTOR: I said, Hmm? Hmm? Yes, my dear treddleton, one ot skew out a mill.
POLLY: Well what's that supposed to mean?
DOCTOR: Buggered if I know. I didn't expect a sought of Cyberinquisition!
(Doors burst open, and the Cyberleader, a Cyberscout and a
Cyberlieutenant storm in)
CL: Nobody expects the Cyberinquisition!
DOCTOR: I thought we did this one?
CL: Resistance is futile! Our only weakness is gold. Gold and chemical
mixtures! Our two - our *two* only weaknesses are gold, chemical mixtures and
gravity I'll come in again.
(The cybermen troop out)
DOCTOR: I didn't expect a sought of Cyberinquisition!
(Cybermen storm in)
CL: Resistance is futile! *Amongst* our very few weaknesses are gold, chemical
mixtures, gravity and being stuck in a deep freeze too long I can't do it.
(Turns to scout) You'll have to do the bit.
CS: Who, me? Oh no, I couldn't.
CL: You'll have to.
CS: Well... alright then.
(Cybermen once again troop out.)
DOCTOR: (Tiredly) I didn't expect a sought of Cyberinquisition.
(Cybermen... well, you figure it out)
CS: Nobody... ummm...
CL: expects
CS: Nobody expects the... the...
CL: Cyberinquisition!
CS: The Cyberinquisition!
CL: Right! Amongst our weaknesses et cetera, et cetera...
BEN: Oh good, are we doing "The King and I" now?
(All look at him)
BEN: Well it was my only line!
(Picture of an Axon)
VOICE[And Caption]: Number one: The Axon. The Axon.
(Picture of an Axon painted green)
VOICE[And Caption]: Number three: The Krynoid. The Krynoid.
VOICE[And Caption]: The BBC would like to apologise for the next announcement.
(Gumbie Autons walk in)
GAUTONS: AND NOW, A SKETCH ABOUT GREAT ARCHITECTS! CALLED THE GREAT ARCHITECT
SKETCH! THE GREAT ARCHITECT SKETCH! THE GREAT ARCHITECT SKETCH! THE GREAT
ARCHITECT SKETCH! UP THERE! UP THERE! UP THERE!
(Cut to office where the Gods of Ragnarok are sitting, facing a desk, behind
which the Chief Caretaker(possessed) stands)
CHIEF: Good evening.
GAUTONS(off): UP THERE! UP THERE! UP THERE!
CHIEF: Shut up!
GAUTONS(off): SORRY! SORRY! SORRY!
(Chief points flamethrower out window. GAUTONS melt).
CHIEF: Good evening. As you can see, this building will have all the mod cons,
air conditioning, waste disposal units and homicidal cleaning machines. The
guests are carried along a conveyor belt with beautiful fountains and paintings
until they get to the machines with the rotating saw blades, where they will be
quickly slaughtered and taken down to the -
DADDY: Excuse me, but did you say rotating saw blades?
CHIEF: Er, yes, rotating saw blades. HUNGRY! Oh, do excuse me.
MUMMY: Are you planning to slaughter our guests?
CHIEF: Er, yes. Is that a problem?
(The Gods consult with each other.)
LITTLE GIRL: No, not at all. We'll be accepting your tender.
CHIEF: Oh good. HUNGRY! Oh, I do beg your pardon.
(GODS stand up, hold hands under noses)
DADDY: All hail the Great Architect!
MUMMY & LITTLE GIRL: All hail!
Cut to Mary
MARY: Now I've noticed a tendency for this program to get filthy. I do my best
to keep things moving along, but I'm not having things getting filthy.
(Picture of an Axon painted black)
VOICE[And Caption]: Number three hundred and fifty seven: The Mind Probe. The
Mind Probe.
(Clip of cheering crowd, with voiceover)
VO: No, not the mind probe!
VO: And now, the third Sontaran Shock Troops with their stirring rendition of
the Nutcracker suite.
(Three Sontarans dance along to the Nutcracker suite)
(Cut to DALEK)
DALEK: Oh god, if this doesn't stop I'll exterminate myself!
(Sontarans)
(DALEK)
DALEK: I swear, I'll exterminate myself!
(Sontarans)
(DALEK)
DALEK: Right, that's it!
(DALEK points gunstick straight up, shoots itself)
VO: For three days, the displaced eyestalk fell...
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING TARDIS
Was concieved by
GREG McCAMBLY
HOW TO RECOGNISE MONSTERS FROM A VERY LONG WAY AWAY
Was written by Bruce Greenwood
Bruce Greenwood 30/4/97
===========
Shannon Patrick Sullivan wrote:
>You know, I keep reading these bold declarations about how "true fans" of
>Doctor Who ought to think/act/believe, so I might as well ask... what
>exactly constitutes a "true fan", and who decided they should be that way?
A true fan is one that spins around in circles blowing about lots of
hot air, isn't it? :-)
Steve 2/5/97
===========
Tim Jenson wrote:
>I personally find either the use of sex or violence in the new
>adventures appeals to the baser side of humanity. People write about sex
>and violence when they run out of creativity or the lack of any good
>ideas. We can always get a cheap thrill out of sex or violence. That is
>not what I want. I want to be surprised and enlightened.
I personally find the use of automobiles in the new adventures
appeals to the baser side of humanity. People write about automobiles
and driving when they run out of creativity or the lack of any good
ideas. We can always get a cheap thrill out of a car chase. That's not
what I want. I want to be surprised and enlightened.
Elsa Frohman 2/5/97
=========
Shannon Patrick Sullivan wrote:
>In case you were wondering, I haven't forgotten "The Speed Of Flight"....
>unfortunately, my NA/MA suppliers hasn't had the opportunity to send that
>one my way yet, so for now I'll jump ahead to "The Plotters". A review of
>"Speed" will be forthcoming as soon as I have it in hand!
"Pop quiz, hotshot. You're on a planet with one-sixth of the gravity
you're used to. What do you do? *What do you do?*"
Ian McIntire 5/5/97
==========
Marcus Durham wrote:
>>>Arc of Infinity is a superb Doctor Who story.
Jon Blum wrote:
>>With, it must be said, a guy running around in a rubber-chicken suit.
>>>Johnny Byrne wrote it and
>>>it's up to his usual high standerd.
gothopera@aol.com (Gothopera) wrote:
>Goth here....one work.....Myrka
Call it a hunch, but I don't think Byrne had in the script for
"Warriors of the Deep" a note saying, "Make sure the Myrka looks as
much like a big rubber puppet as you possibly can (with the possible
exception of making it look like a big rubber, which would be the
return of Erato)."
Greg McElhatton 5/5/97
========
Doctor 6 wrote:
>> Shada was released on video back in 1992. Tim Baker narrated the areas
>> the were not filmed, and told them from the 4th Doctor's point if view.
Robert Smith? wrote:
>Ah, yes, the fourteenth doctor, played so expertly by Tim Baker! I quite
>liked his pin-striped costume...
I thought he was a bit hopeless. I'm sure they only cast him because
he had the same surname as the 3rd Doctor, Christopher Baker, who made
such an impression in The Brain of Morbius.
Daniel Frankham 5/5/97
=========
Kender Dragon wrote:
>Have they done the one yet where the Giant Rat of Sumatra destroys
>Atlantis and brings about the final end of the Daleks? >:D
Sounds great. Serious, significant, and too broad and too deep for the
small screen. It does however have the fatal flaw that it prevents
other writers from writing their own Giant Rat of Sumatra versus the
Daleks story, which is a gross infringement of their civil rights, as
any fule know.
Ken Mann 6/5/97
=========
lwgreb@earthlink.net wrote:
>Can anyone besides me see a connection between the robots of Dr. Who &
>Isaac Asimov?
Not really, since I don't remember any Dr. Who robots that
had big grey bushy sideburns and black glasses, but I may
have missed something,
Darryl 7/5/97
==========
Jeffery Beuck wrote:
>>>Did anyone else have the word "Silaurians" running through their mind
>>>during last night's Voyager?
CallDrLove wrote:
>>Yes I did. They droped the il out of the name - thats all.
>>Also from Atlantis. I wonder if the BBC will sue em?
Robert Smith? wrote:
>Startlingly, the BBC do not own Atlantis.
Thank goodness. The BBC has enough financial problems without owning
the ultimate swamped real estate.
Elsa Frohman 7/5/97
===========
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==========
Brigadier Nathan Rogers wrote:
>No it wasn't destroyed. The Doctor has removed some circuit that hold
>the interior together and so it spread all over the planet
Er... that was a lie, of sorts. The Doctor said this so that the Gravis would
pull the TARDIS back together again. I think this is fairly graphically
explained when, at the beginning of (part 2?) the Doctor doesn't look at the
slightly charred hatstand and say, "Oh good, it worked!"
Bruce Greenwood
"What did?" "I split the TARDIS up into several sections so that we can't use
it until some giant bug puts it back together again. Rather clever of me, yes?"
- Conversations that are unlikely to happen
Bruce Greenwood 15/5/97
=========
[Subject: Re: Other handbooks?]
I think it's a bit early to start planning Other handbooks -- can they
really get an entire volume out of "The Brain of Morbius", the
"Remembrance" novelization, and a few pages from the NA's and MA's?
Jon Blum 20/5/97
=========
Korvin wrote:
>I wouldn't cross the road to piss on Sylvester McCoy, even if he was
>on fire.
Interestingly enough, the very unlikely event that Mr McCoy were to be
ablaze in the vacinity of your High Street, I imagine his reaction to
your (no doubt very kind) offer of urinary assistance would be politely,
but firmly, declined.
Keith Topping 21/5/97
=========
Super Double Herb! wrote:
>I think it would be hilariously ironic if Howard Da Silva were selected to
>play the next Doctor.
>Really.
Especially since he's been dead for eleven years.
James H Scott 21/5/97
=========
Having now seen decent pictures of the BBC Doctor Who novels' covers, I am
mostly very impressed with them.
However, one irritating thing is the squared-off typeface used for the
authors' names. It's mostly OK, but a couple of the letters are
problematic.
Specifically, the letter K is indistinguishable from the letter H.
This isn't too much of a problem for Keith Topping, and could almost be
considered beneficial for Terrance Dicks, but in the case of Kate Orman
it's decidedly uncomplementary.
Mark Blunden 21/5/97
===========
[Subject: Re: Spy people on the Net]
Yes! See through other people's monitors!
See:
Jon Blum taking a shower!
Jason getting his "punishment" from Random Companion!
Dave Yadallee in his natural habitat!
Gasp at:
Alden Bates's Mel memorabila!
Geoff Weasel's collection of horror waxworks!
Dave Stone's interesting and tasteful wall hangings!
Listen to:
The police batter down your door to charge you with invasion of
privacy!
Alden Bates. (Taping black plastic over his monitor)
Alden Bates 21/5/97
===========
[Subject: Re: NZ Tardis set!!!]
CraigFuqua wrote:
>The big question is, what is "superannuation"? From the ads, I thought it
>had something to do with phone service. Now it sounds like a retirement
>plan. Is it all that and more -- or were you not concentrating during the
>sales pitch?
It's what happens to Gerry Anderson Puppets when they get old and
can no longer find work...
Will 22/5/97
==========
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