Welcome everyone to the latest Quote File. The Quote File is basically the
"best and brightest" of rec.arts.drwho - that is, the funniest quotes to
appear in the newsgroup as nominated by *you*. To that end, if you see a
quote you think derserves an entry in the Quote File, just mail me at

smithrj2@mcmail.cis.mcmaster.ca

or the handy-dandy 

radwquotefile@geocities.com

and include the attributions and the quote in full.

Since this newsgroup is more than full of it's fair share of 
off-topic/pointless stuff, I'd like to request that you *don't* waste 
bandwidth by shouting "Quote File!" in the newsgroup - email it to me 
instead! Please don't be shy about this - even if you only think it's
mildly funny, I'd *much* rather have too many to choose from than too few.

Also, please note that all dates are approximations only (ie when they got
emailed to me, rather than when they got posted).

Disclaimer: The copyright of all material contained herein remains with
the original poster. No attempt is made to supercede any copyright and the
Quote File maintains its impartiality under Fair Use for purposes of
Comment or Review.

On with the quotes! 


=========

John Long  wrote:
>But really, there will come a day when I won't accept anymore corny 
>insults.  

Pineapple. 
Cheapskate.
Pertwee Fan.
   Just getting some in now, before you decide that day's arrived.

Paul Cornell  11/12/97

========

Mattheq  wrote:
> So...why did the daleks call him Bringer of Darkness?

The Doctor is called the Bringer of Darkness because of his habit of
putting his hat over the Daleks' eye-stalks.

Jesse Smith  11/12/97

========

Paul Cornell  wrote 
>As my new slogan has it: Moderation in all things!

But not too much.

David McIntee  18/12/97

==========

Kate Orman  wrote:
>>For another, this is a false dilemma. Faced with a negative review, 
>>an author doesn't just have two choices, "Shrug it off" or "Go 
>>berserk". :-)

Keith Topping   wrote:
> The third choice is...?

Dear Magazine Book-Reviewer,

     Thank you for your review of my novel, "The is the Title of my
Novel". I appreciate you taking the time to review it. Unfortuately, I
am sorry to hear that you disliked it so. I do appreciate your criticism
and hope that my subsequent novels will pass your muster.
     However, I feel that I must correct a number of inaccuracies which
appeared in your review. You mention that you didn't understand how Sam
managed to get the chainsaw with which she cut off the Master's head;
well, if you read page 181 more carefully, you will notice that she
grabbed it from the dead logger after he tried to attack the tree
creature.
     Furthermore, you complain that the Doctor wouldn't swear as he did
on page 149. However, if you look at page 170 of Kate Orman's recent
novel, "Arse of the Bugger Man", the Doctor launched into a far stronger
tirade that actually prompted BBC Books to put a parental warning
sticker on the cover. I am curious how you would complain about my use
of the word "cruk" and not mention Kate's use of many more words in your
previous review.
     Thank you once again for taking the time to review my book. I hope
that the above clarifications lay to rest any concerns you have about my
novel.

Yours sincerely,

James Bow  19/12/97

========

 wrote:
>Hey, sombody with brains help me.

>I have tried since my childhood to figure out how Pi applies to that
>checkerboard death trap in the Dark Tower in "The Five Doctors".  It just
>doesn't make any sense!

Actually it doesn't. The Doctor was, in fact, refering to the
scrumdillidumptious Gallifreyan Take and Microwave Pie. The box it came in
had children's puzzles on the back. Apparently, Rassilon wasn't very
imaginative and copied one puzzle verbatim into his tower. 
 
Micheal (Chris) Keane  21/12/97

=========

 wrote:

>For those who noticed I left, I'm back.  For those who didn't, I'm back
>anyway.

>Because there's flippin' almost 1700 message on the newsgroup right now
>and I don't have the time to read them all, would anyone care to update
>me on the latest? Besides Jon Pertwee and homophobia...I did catch that
>one. What you people get up to is beyond me.

Jon Blum and Kate Orman have had a huge falling out over Kill-files, Keith 
Topping has become the Reviews Editor of TV Zone, Lance Parkin and David 
McIntee were arrested sneaking into Buckinham Palace, dressed as a pantomime 
horse, with the expressed intention of stealing the Stone of Scone (They were 
confused, apparently). Gary Russel has been named the new James Bond for the 
next film, "Eight Arms to Throttle You," and John Peel has been outed in the 
Sunday Times: Seems he really _is_ Ben Aaronovitch!

See what you miss when you don't pay attention?

Leviathan  21/12/97

=========

Songs from The Web Planet:

The Grubs Don't Work ('They just make it worse.')
It's Raining Menoptera.
Isop The Sherrif.
Zarbi Girl. ('Come on Zarbi/Let's go party')
Hrostars On 45.
Animus In The UK.

Paul Cornell  24/12/97

=========

Andrew Vogel  wrote:
>>>Either Keith is joking, in which case he should indicate it with a
>>>smiley,

Keith Topping  wrote:
>>No I shouldn't - why should I have to signpost humour? Ridiculous.
>>Comedians don't stand up with a cardboard sign saying "Joke - Laugh
>>Now!"
 
Andrew Vogel  wrote:
>Comedians don't need to, they work in comedy clubs, and everyone knows
>beforehand that what they are saying is intended to be humor.  

>You're not a professional comedian

Oh I don't know. I read Devil Goblins...

Gary Russell  24/12/97

=========

[Subject: Naff Cliffhangers]

Death to the Daleks, part 3.

The Doctor says "Stop, don't move" with some urgency, when confronted by some
interesting floor tiles - betraying a hither-to unseen interest in interior
design.

Gregg Smith  29/12/97

========

[Subject: Re: Naff Cliffhangers]

'The Sontaran Experiment', Part One (of two)

"Christ almighty, a Sontaran! Who'd have thought it?"

Lance Parkin  30/12/97

=========

Really?  Daleks are infallible, Krotons are rather silly?

Mind you, getting killed by one must be highly embarrassing. 

*Sitting in the afterlife*

"How did you die?"
"I was struck by a Dalek battletank, it grabbed me and squashed me to 
pulp before shooting me with it's ray gun.  What about you?"
"Well I... Erm.  Got kind of, killed by a Kroton - But it was a 
commander!"

Sad.

Peter Goddard  29/12/97

==========

I often wonder what would have happened if the colonist's sheep had
wandered into the blue crystal mountains before the spiders - somehow
Sarah running around with a giant invisible sheep clinging to her back
just wouldn't have had the same drama.

James Milton  31/12/97

==========

[Subject: Re: 1 January 1998]

The Doctor wrote:
> 
> I post this from the party at 1:26 a.m. GMT and 6:21 p.m. MST  31 Dec 1997.
> 
> Happy New Year one and all.
> 
> Don't go away yet, the party will finish, BUT .....
> 
> And Alden what about posting the 1997 stats??
> --
> Merry Christmas 1997 and Happy New Year 1998
> http://www.nl2k.ab.ca/~doctor
> Save the World and Civilization; REPUBLICS DISSOLVE!

I just wanted to be 1998's first person to re-post someone
else's post in its entirety, and add nothing of value
to the thread. Somehow, it seems appropriate.

Peter Anghelides  1/1/98

==========

[Subject: Re: Why was Susan so wimpy?]

Wouldn't you be a wimp if you had William Hartnell threatening to spank
you on national television?

Keith Topping  1/1/98

===========

Dangermouse  writes
>>Actually the reason Hearst's estate was so pissed off and tried to get
>>Citizen Kane banned is because they knew that Welles knew that "rosebud"
>>was what Hearst called his lover's (or wife's, I forget which) clitoris.

Keith Topping  wrote:
> I never knew that, Dave, thanks for sharing it with us whilst I was in
> the middle of my tea...

"Tea" is Keith's euphemism for sexual intercourse, by the way.
(Orson Welles told me this.) Puts a whole new spin on "The Time
Monster" for me. 

Peter Anghelides  2/1/98

=========

Peter Anghelides  wrote:
>"Tea" is Keith's euphemism for sexual intercourse, by the way.
>(Orson Welles told me this.) Puts a whole new spin on "The Time
>Monster" for me. 

I believe he likes it with two lumps.

Paul Cornell  2/1/98

==========

>>Ick..now this makes me wonder HOW Dodo got that sexually transmitted
>>disease!
 
Brigadier Nathan Rogers  wrote:

>From a Missing Adventure.

Didn't she practice safe reading?

David McIntee  3/1/98

==========

Peter Anghelides wrote:
>>>Elsewhere in the letter, Levine does not
>>>spare the former DW team from criticism,
>>>stating that B5 has a magic "that was
>>>missing in almost the entire tenure of 
>>>John Nathan-Turner as producer." 

Graham Nelson  wrote:
>>Ah, I get it, has Mr Levine fallen out with JNT?
 
John Carlson  wrote:
>If you don't already know that happend around TOATL

Well, I didn't know that.  Any specific reason?  Given the number
of people who fell out with JNT at that time, perhaps we should
feel sorry for him... just imagine being left with no friends in
the whole world except Pip & Jane Baker and Bonnie Langford, and
then having to produce a science fiction programme.

Graham Nelson  4/1/98

==========

John Long  wrote:
>>Are you sure you don't want to see my favorite nude pic of Katy Manning?

Azaxyr  wrote:
>I never found her to be very attractive anyway.

And somewhere, Katy Manning breathes a sigh of relief.

Ben Varkentine  5/1/98

==========

[Subject: Re: Naff Cliffhangers]

Death to the Daleks; "Thtop! Don't move!"

(aka Terror of the Crazy Paving)

Mysterious Planet; "I really think this could be the end!"

(aka Wishful Thinking of the Audience)

Timeflight; "The Master has finally defeated me!"

(aka And Live Monkeys Might Fly Out Of My Arse)

Rob Stradling  5/1/98

==========

Rob Stradling  wrote:

>Timeflight; "The Master has finally defeated me!"

>(aka And Live Monkeys Might Fly  Out Of My Arse)

Which would actually be quite a brilliant cliffhanger in it's own right, come
to think of it...

Ben Varkentine  5/1/98

===========

Dave Stone  wrote:
>It depends. Without giving the game away too much, what about a
>frantic race through the entire history of the human race, each
>section told in the style of the relevent time ...

I can see it now:

     CHAPTER ONE

     Oook.  Ook ook, grunt.  Snort, grunt, oook.  TARDIS.  Oook.


Or maybe you weren't planning on going quite that far back?

William December Starr  5/1/98

==========

[Subject: Re: Realistic language in BBC books?]

Keith Topping  wrote:

> (we've got away with "bullshit" in The Hollow
>Men...)

I'm sure-but were you allowed to curse?

Ben Varkentine  6/1/98

===========

I forwarded the "The Kipper of Traken" joke-let to my brother the
other day (it's a recipe title from a Dr Who cookbook, apparently),
and he came right back with more.
  
  Perhaps it should be called The Greatest Chow in the Galaxy?
  My suggestions...
  
  The Dalek's Master Flan
  The Clams of Axos
  The Prawns of Nimon
  The Flour of the Daleks
  The Thyme Meddler
  The Macceral Terror
  The Paste Museum
  
  And for the Vegans on Varos:
  (Broccolli) Spearhead from Space
  The Bunfighters
  Toast Light (for those on a diet)
  and of course The Croutons...
  
  How about Marco Polos for after dinner mints?
  Not to mention:
  Galaxy Four
  Pyramids of Mars, 
  The Ice Cream Warriors?
  (but they will put your teeth into a State of Decay)

(All by Toby Nelson.)

Graham Nelson  6/1/98

==========

These occurred while perusing my spice rack;

The Curse Of Fenugreek
Coriander Bannermen
The Invasion of Thyme
Cumin Nature
Bay of the Daleks
The Leisure Chive
The Garlic Masterplan
The Mint Robber

Rob Sradling  7/1/98

=========

M Elizabeth  wrote:
>>>Read Jim Mortimore's "Eternity Weeps" and shudder at the fate of Liz.
>>>Victoria doesn't have too good a time in "Downtime." And God knows what
>>>Keith Topping has in store for Barbara and Ian :)!

Keith Topping (keith@tooon.demon.co.uk) writes:
>>Marriage and childbirth, basically!

Alden Bates (alden@bates.wn.planet.WHAP.gen.nz) wrote:
>Oh, the humanity!  How could you make those poor people suffer like
>that, Keith, you heartless bastard!

>Oh, wait...

>Whups...

What is Ian going to look like when he's nine months pregnant?

Brad Filippone  6/1/98

===========

[Subject: Re: Something I Liked About The Dinosaur Era]

Charles Daniels wrote:
>   KLAKKK!  KLAK-K-K!!

Yes, I never could work out why Achilleos spelt it with a silent 'L'...

Rob Stradling  7/1/98

==========

Chris Krisocki  wrote:
>Just finished watching Part One of The Ribos Operation from my Fox Video
>copy. This time I left the closed captions on the entire episode, and
>there are loads of really funny captioning errors. To wit:

>- Romana's name is Romanadveradnaluna
>- the planet "Galafree"

By virtue of the FACT that these appeared IN TEXT in a broadcast episode
of Doctor Who, am I now hereby declaring them CANON.

Right, my first act shall be to petulantly write messrs. L'Officier and
Howe-Stammers-Walker and point out their gross error.

After that, I shall write a longish letter to Gary Gillatt stating that
fans clearly don't know what they're talking about; it's all right there
on the closed captioning for anyone who wants to read it!

Finally, I shall have a very stern chat with the mothers of Mr Dicks and
Mr G. Roberts about how their sons' novels are continuing to help ruin
these "proper" titles.

Last, having achieved victory, I shall go on to forge ... I mean FIND
documentation that digs up yet ANOTHER name for the first transmitted
episode and the third broadcast story, and insist that THIS is the right
one.

And Adrian Rigelsford will dig up an interview with Hartnell in which he
agrees with me.

Charles Martin  6/1/98

===========

 wrote:
>Not that I'm saying, categorically, that there is NO WAY that
>antimatter could have 'behaved' in the way it does in PoE (future
>science may prove the story correct), but no extrapolation of current
>matter/antimatter theories could have it behaving like that....
>...unless someone knows differently...!! :))

Oh yes see there's anti-matter, imaginary anti-matter, and a very rare
form called "wacky anti-matter" and wacky anti-matter is really amazing as
it can be carried around in toffee tins and do science fictiony things to
people.

Charles Daniels  10/1/98

==========

Jonathan Blum wrote:
>And if nothing else, thanks to this thread I can
>now say that within a two-week period I've been compared to everyone from
>Adolf Hitler to Ian Levine...

Quit the doughnuts and lose the moustache, Jon.

Rob Stradling  9/1/98

=========

>William December Starr  wrote:
>>"Ormanblum?"  Wouldn't "Blorman" roll off the tongue more easily?
>>(Or possibly "Blurman," except that sounds like a really pathetic
>>superhero...)

Sean Gaffney  wrote:
>Hey, the street's like a jungle, can't call the police, whadya do?

>It's BLURMAN!!!

'Look! Up in the sky'
'Is it a bird?'
'Is it a plane?'
'Er... dunno, can't quite make it out'
'Then it must be - BLURMAN!'

Russ Massey  8/1/98

=======

Dangermouse  wrote:

>You can't say fuck shit or cunt,

That last one must be annoying.
'I say we can!'
'And I say we...er...not can.'

Urac Sigma  6/1/98

=========

Aidan Alexander Folkes wrote:

>So why can't we have a series of novels like the Star Trek acadamy ones

Well, from our "Questions that answer themselves, really." category...

Ben Varkentine  9/1/98

==========


Krytenpd  wrote:
>>I've just finished "Invasion of the Cat-People", and I really enjoyed it! 
>>Wonderfully written and entertaining.  The cliffhanger at the end of 
>>Ep. 5 was almost unbearable. 
>>A well-done masterpiece!

Gary Russell  wrote:
>Bless you

So, you reckon it was the sneezing that made him enjoy it then?

Keith Topping  9/1/98

==========

[Subject: Re: Something I like about the McCoy Era]

jonno  wrote:

>I love his Doctor, and I love that last season, but I
>will NOT get behind a busload of alien tourists in the 1950s, not if you
>paid me.

Neither will I.  They're always driving slowly to look at the scenery, or
stopping short after nearly passing some scenic point, or weaving in and out of
traffic... they're menaces, I tell you!  UNIT should do something about it...

Corey Klemow  9/1/98

=========

Peter Anghelides  wrote:
>In other, simpler words, I think that simple language is much
>undervalued. Invariable recourse to polysyllabic discourse merely
>promotes obfuscation, which patently should be eschewed in the
>continuing efforts to ameliorate the communication vicissitudes
>incumbent on textual multinational interlocution.

Pip! Pip! I thought we'd never hear from you again!

Paul Cornell  9/1/98

=========

Brian Glen Palicia wrote:
>Anyone ever use a funny line from a Doctor Who story on
>someone and get a good comeback?  

Yes, I once told a school bully that he was "a classic example of the inverse 
ratio of the size of mouth to the size of brain". 

He smashed my face in, which I thought was quite an effective riposte.

Rob Stradling  12/1/98

==========

Mariane Desautels wrote:
> 
>John "Troller" Long wrote:
>>Nah, the fifth doctor is too wimpy to outright reject the master's
>>trust.
> 
>Ever watched The Caves of Androzani?

Sure, but I don't discuss Caves with trolls.

John Long  11/1/98

=========

[The Space Museum: Episode 2]

   "The Dimensions of Time" begins with a short scene of the TARDIS crew
standing around looking like they've all been hit over the head. "They're
gone!" says Barbara. "And we've arrived!" replies the Doctor. Ah, that
explains everything.

   The next scene informs us that we're on Zeros, the famous Planet of
Eyebrow People. Three Moroks -- about half the population of the planet --
briefly discuss how bored they are.

   Meanwhile, three Wesley Crusher clones are fomenting revolution. They
decide they need to track down the four people who've just shown up in the
museum that appears to comprise the entire planet.

   Elsewhere, Ian steals a gun from a glass case. In a demonstration of
just the kind of keen intellectual powers posessed by the second season
regulars, he playfully points it at Barbara, Vicki, and the Doctor and then
tells the latter worriedly that he "could have blown a hole" in him. The
crew argue for a few minutes about what to do. "The fact is the future,"
says the Doctor. "Yes," replies Ian, "I see what you mean." Somehow, they
come to the conclusion that if they leave they'll end up in the cases.
There is some consternation over the fact that Ian has lost a button.

   Moving on, the four attempt to locate the entrance. The crew argue about
which direction to take. Barbara observes that "actually, all the corridors
look alike" and the Doctor helpfully points out that "you have to turn
right before you can turn left." This seemed to go on for hours, although
it was probably only about a minute. It sounded like the cast was
improvising.

   Around this point I went to the kitchen to put away a glass. While I was
away, I heard goofy danger music, and when I got back, the Doctor was lying
on the floor with the Wesley Crusher Trio standing over him. The leader
suggests to the dorkiest one that he stand guard over the Doctor while the
others wander off. When they return, the guard is bound and gagged on the
floor. The Doctor is gone. "He was like a whirlwind!" says Dorky Guy. The
Crushers leave, and there is a pan to an unexplained Dalek. It babbles
something in a high pitched voice, and the Doctor pops out, giggling.

   Meanwhile, the rest of the crew has been wandering in circles. (How did
these people ever find their way in in the first place?) Ian decides to
unravel Barbara's cardigan to mark their trail. In another demonstration of
just the kind of keen intellectual powers posessed by the second season
regulars, he tries to do this with his teeth. After a moment, Barbara has a
flash of inspiration -- she can use Ian's penknife! Barbara has a keen
tactical mind.

   A few minutes later, the Crushers show up and follow the thread. I guess
it's not like they have anything better to do.

   In another part of the museum, the Doctor comes upon a chair and sits
down. He is strapped in by a metal seatbelt, which he doesn't notice until
he tries to get up. A couple of doors open up about two feet in front of
his face. (I'm sure they weren't there a moment ago.) They reveal a Morok,
who sounds like he's going to pitch condominiums at the Doctor (he begins
with something like "Welcome to beautiful Zeros!"). Instead, he
interrogates the Doctor using a machine that shows thoughts. This is a
pity, as the condominium idea might actually have been more interesting.

   Miraculously, the rest of the crew finds the entrance. They open it and
we see them peering out of the door. The scene is badly overexposed. We
hear a crowd muttering somewhere. "They have the TARDIS!" cries Barbara.
*Who* has the TARDIS? Where is it? We never find out.

   The Morok asks the Doctor where he comes from. The screen shows stock
footage of walruses, which must have been the first thing the director
grabbed out of the vault. 

   Dr: These are some good friends of mine!
   Morok: But you're not an amphibian!
   Dr (Knowingly): Oh no?
   
   Then, for some reason, the screen seems to show someone in a jumpsuit
and a cowboy hat. Angered, the Morok decides to make the Doctor into an
exhibit.

   There are two more episodes of this next week. God help us all.

M. Wesley Osam  11/1/98

==========

[Subject: Re: A Pertwee moderated newsgroup]

Azaxyr  wrote:

> 1. No twerps, pricks, losers, adolescent brats, or cry-babies allowed.

So... no, it's like shooting fish in a barrel really.

Paul Cornell  11/1/98

==========

Keith Topping wrote:
>>>>A likely tale - anyway, I've got Kursaal now

>>>Best wishes for a speedy recovery, mate. They can do wonders these days...

Keith Topping wrote:
>>The cream worked very well thank you, I am no longer infected...
 
Lorrill Buyens  wrote:
>Want to come up to my place for a little bouncy-bouncy?

I presume you've got a Parks and Amenities license for that inflatable
castle?

Dave Stone  12/1/98

==========

[Subject: Re: What ever happened to Gareth Jenkins?]

>What did ever become of our little
>'Jim 'll Fix it' fanboy?

Dunno, but his twin sister Jackie writes for DWM.

Lance Parkin  13/1/98

===========

Erin Tumilty  wrote:
>>If this was a spoiler for something I haven't read
>>yet, I shall be very angry, and when I get angry I
>>start singing Monty Python filks at the top of my
>>lungs. It's not pretty.

Nick Caldwell wrote:
>Now this is something you don't see every day.

>*Nick pulls out comfy chair and settles down to watch*

*ahem*
There are fans in the world
Who are trekkers
There are X-philes and Smegheads and then
There are those that follow Blakes 7 but
I've never been one of them

I'm a Doctor Who fan
And I have been since the day I saw Tom
And the one thing they say about Who fans is
They'll watch any ep that is on

It don't have to be with Jon Pertwee
It don't have to have a great script
It don't have to have mini-skirted girls
In blouses that accent their--  acting talents

Beeee-cuzzzzzzzz-
Every ep is sacred
Every ep is great
If a story's slagged off
We fans get quite irate


Every ep is sacred
Every story great
If an ep is slagged off
The fans get quite irate


Let the beeb destroy them
And fling them to the ground
God shall make them pay
For each ep that can't be found


Every ep is wanted
Every ep is good
Every ep is needed
In your neighborhood

Lost-in-Spacers, Msties
Get their shows everywhere
But Who fans end up deprived
It really isn't fair


Every ep is sacred
Every ep is great

If a story's slagged off

Fans get quite irate


Every ep is sacred

Every ep is good

Every ep is needed

Every ep is lovely
Every ep is fine

We love everybody's

Mine

And mine

And mine




Let the trekkers worship
Gene Roddenbery's mind

We'd rather watch Timelash
Than Star Trek: Deep Space 9


Every ep is sacred
Every ep is good
Every ep is needed
In your neighborhood

Every ep is sacred
Every ep is great
If a story's slagged off
We fans get quite irate


-fin-

Erin Tumilty 

============

[Subject: Re: Wanted: Harry Sullivan's War]


...for crimes against literature...

Graham Nelson  13/1/98

============

>"The Dimensions of Time" begins with a short scene of the TARDIS crew : 
>standing around looking like they've all been hit over the head.  "They're
>gone!" says Barbara. "And we've arrived!" replies the Doctor. Ah, that 
>explains everything. 

Ahahah!  Well it could be worse -

"We lived through that amazing cliffhnager haven't we!" 

"Yes quite, oh we won't have the bugdet to bring you good quality episodes
like the last one, this serial is all down hill from here, still very
gripping ending there no...(Doctor looks directly at camera) Oh and
incidentally, Happy Birthday Billy." 

Charles Daniels  13/1/98

============

> I like "Invasion of the Dinosaurs", except for the
>bits with dinosaurs in it.

This is, bar none, the most perceptive critical comment ever made in the whole
history of Dr Who.

Ben Varkentine  13/1/98

==========

[Subject: Re: how would you take over Gallifrey?]

Nyctolops  wrote:
>Because of the elaborate defense systems around Gallifrey, your first
>requirement is to get a Time Lord on your side--the higher up in the hierarchy
>the better.  

Oh well that's that one killed before it starts. They're such an
honest and well-balanced bunch up the the top of the Time Lord Greasy
Pole, aren't they ?

Putting aside the sarcasm, I think we can take it then that this part
shouldn't be too tricky, a quick "Mad Conspiriator seeks similar. Must
have own political status. Fun, conversation, days out and possible
conquest of Gallifrey/relaxation of tobbaco legislation as applied to
Formula One" ad in any lonely twin hearts column and we should have a
legion of high councillors beating a path to our door.  

Richard Jones  14/1/98

=========

Jon Green wrote:

>Is Timelash really in stereo as it states on the cover? Nothing else
>from this period is stereo. I think stereo began in the 25th season.

Twice the Tedium! Double the Dourness! Stereophonically chronic!

Rob Stradling  15/1/98

==========

Azaxyr  wrote:
>>why the heck would they put that line in in the
>>first place?  

Guy Clapperton  wrote:
>As a sop to the fans. It was only one line, most people hardly noticed it. 
>But it was a nice touch for the buffs - better than, say, basing an entire 
>story around something that happened in the series some 20 years 
>previously [96 PAGES OF ANTI-ATTACK OF THE CYBERMEN RANT EDITED HERE]

I think you miss the subtleties of Saward and Levine's sinister plan. 

Sequels were popular, everyone knew that. Stick a bird on the hat of some
bloke who'd appeared at the end of one episode in the seventies and you've
got an instant classic. Take two popular and fondly remembered monsters
from the seventies, completely redesign them and have them remember things
that didn't happen and you've got a season opener, right there. Put a
policeman in the opening shot of any serial, no matter it's content and
whammo! Instant popular sequel to An Unearthly Child.

But it was 1985 and time was running out. Hard to believe anyone in their
right minds would write a sequel to Destiny of the Daleks, but Eric Saward
was da man and had done it the year before! What was left? 

So Saward and Levine hit upon an idea. They wrote and produced a sequel to
one of the few remaining classic stories that had only had three or four
sequels already produced. And that was so long ago, they figured no one
would really remember too well and thus managed to work in their true
ambition of including three "Take Your Pick" doorways in Doctor Who (the
result of a bet with Peter Grimwade that had gotten out of hand). 

But Attack of the Cybermen was a red herring. Their true villiany was
exposed only a few stories later when, seemingly from nowhere, a sequel to
a third Doctor and Jo story suddenly appeared, coincidentally written by
an actor who'd once appeared in The Sontaran Experiment... and if anyone
believed that, they'd believe the Myrka was actually written as a serious
monster.

Suddenly their dreams of conquest were at hand. No more rifling through
the archives in search of a forgotten sixties story to write a sequel to,
this way they could just write the sequel anyway and assume that only sad
wankers would know the real truth. As Saward said in In-Vision, "What a
piece of shit", which clearly shows how confident he felt about his grand
vision.

Fortunately for intelligent viewers everywhere, who were used to the
quality of sequels that hiring a completely different actor and putting
him in a decaying mask claiming to be Roger Delgado on a bad hair day
entailed, this plan was neatly averted by John Nathan-Turner, who
inadvertantly neglected to point out that the climax at the end resulted
in the entire production being a prequel to Terror of the Zygons. 

Levine was gone within two weeks and Saward was out within a season. And
the world breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that the fate of sequels was
safely in the hands of professionals, who included Cybermen, because it
was the silver anniversary and Cybermen were silver. Wot a lucky escape.

Robert Smith?  15/1/98

==========

Charles Daniels  wrote:
>>Which Enemy/Companion wore the best pants??

Timelord  wrote:
>You gotta love the 'Andy Pandy' ones that Sarah Jane wore.  Absolutely
>diabolical!

Yes, this is what ultimately had her banned from ever going to Gallifrey.

Charles Daniels  15/1/98

===========

>>Steve Roberts - if you could just arrange the recovery and video
>>release of Web and Power I'd be most obliged - ta.

MFitch4846 wrote:
>Hell, if you can recover The Underwater Menace and The Smugglers I'd be
>extremely obliged to ya. Of course if Power and Web are easier to get a hold
>of, by all means...

While you're at it, Steve, I wouldn't mind getting a look at the Ark of
the Covenant, the Roswell aliens and, most of all, a live Dodo, please.

Rob Stradling  16/1/98

=========

Ken Mann  wrote:

>You are a timelord exiled to earth.  You learn that the earth, which you
>have formed a sentimental attachment to, is being invaded by monsters
>from outer space.  Do you seek help from:

>a) An international military force with access to radar, weapons,
>sophisticated telecommunications and ready access to manpower and
>various modes of transport.

>b) The Tufty Club

>c) Greenpeace 

>d) The Post Office

(d): Because they are helpful people who can always answer a question.
I'm sure the 3rd Doctor era would have greatly benefited from a more
postmanistic view rather than the militaristic path it took. Indeed,
think of the endless possibilities as the Doctor calls in his friends
from the Post Office to defeat alien monsters.  Marvel as the Doctor
captures the Master and sends him second class to Swindon. Enthral as
The Mutants is reduced to only 1 episode because the Doctor *posts* the
Timelord message pod to Solos. Yes, a greatly missed opportunity.

Marcus E. Durham  16/1/98

=========

Ken Mann  wrote: > 
>You are a timelord exiled to earth.  You learn that the earth, which you
>have formed a sentimental attachment to, is being invaded by monsters
>from outer space.  Do you seek help from:
 
>a) An international military force with access to radar, weapons,
>sophisticated telecommunications and ready access to manpower and
>various modes of transport.
>...
>d) The Post Office

That would be _so_ Doctor Who-ish, though.  Postmen all over the
country could be his informers.  "That old Mr Pattison's arm is
going green.  It'll be another of those alien meteorites, I'll be
bound..." says old Mrs Hobson at number 31, and the alert ears of
the postman prick up.

He could then contact the Doctor at the special postcode, TAR D1S...

Graham Nelson  16/1/98

==========

[Subject: Re: Best Tom Baker Story]

Adam Feindel  wrote:
>Image of the Fendahl !
 
>This one never failed to give me the shivers.   

[snip]

>A. Feindel
 
No wonder, with a name like that! Ever get the feeling that generations of
your forefathers have been used, simply for this purpose?

Robert Smith?  16/1/98

============

Aidan Alexander Folkes  wrote 
>It would appear that according to the frontispiece
>of Face of The Enemy, David A. McIntee is a gestalt
>entity as it says:
 	
>	"The moral right of the authors has been asserted"
> 		                ^^^^^^^
 
>So is he a Fendahleen?

We are the Borg. 

Your reading habits and recreation time as it has been, is over. From this
time forward you will service us.

Resistance is futile

David McIntee  17/1/98

==========

Zebee Johnstone  wrote:
>So...  what's the best way to take over Gallifrey?  

   If the Sontarans are to be believed, the best way to take over Gallifrey
is to ally with a race of terminally stupid galactic conquerers, and then
waltz in with three soldiers just as said allies have been utterly
defeated. One should then devote one's entire resources to chasing after
the president-elect in his TARDIS in order to get your hands on a
superweapon so unimaginably rare that even the Ogrons have some. The scary
part is that this plan nearly worked.

   Personally, I'd just stick to making crank calls to the President of the
High Council.

M. Wesley Osam  17/1/98

============

John Long wrote:

>To tell the truth, it's one of those stories that I've only seen once
>and that was three years ago and I don't have a copy of it.  I remember
>almost nothing except that I liked it at the time.  Anyone feel like
>reviewing Underworld for me?

   "Underworld" is about three people searching for the last remnants of
their species (the Minyans). They're all depressed and angsty, but they
keep going because "the quest is the quest," whatever that means. The
Doctor and Leela arrive on their spaceship. K9 is there, too, but I'm going
to ignore him because he's so stupid.

   The Minyans demonstrate their weapons, which have the amazing power to
make Leela act like Vicki. The Doctor helps them with some kind of problem,
I forget what. Then the ship crashes into a partially-formed planet and
buries itself. A disembodied voice (which I assume must belong to Howard
DaSilva when it's at home)  says something like "The Doctor and his friends
crash into the Underworld!" and is never heard from again. (I'm going to go
out on a limb here and assume that this detail is not on the master tape.)

   Inside the planet, everyone runs around some bluescreened scenery.
Apparently the BBC didn't have the money to drive down to the local gravel
pit this time.

   There's a scene where the Doctor fools around with some ventilation
equipment and observes that "whatever blows can be sucked." This is the
high point of the story.

   Some guards chase everyone around and an evil computer blows itself up.
The end.

M. Wesley Osam  17/1/98

============

Laurence Price  wrote:
>But if we want a "traditional" story, then I think nothing can do better than 
>David Whitaker's "Doctor Who in an exciting adventure with the Daleks" 
>(alright, the title's not up to much!). 

Oh come on ! That title's as pop art as Doctor Who's ever got. I love
it.

Doctor Who in an exciting adventure with the Keys of Marinus.
Doctor Who in an exciting adventure with Light, Josiah and some husks.
Doctor Who in an exciting adventure with the Master.
Doctor Who in another exciting adventure with the Master.
Doctor Who in yet another exciting adventure with the Master.
Doctor Who's further exciting adventure with the Master.
Doctor Who in an exciting adventure with the entropic death of the
universe.
Doctor who in an, um, adventure with the Tereleptils.

Richard Jones  17/1/98

=============

BF Elliot  wrote:
>You are walking past a convenience store and you hear the words "Halt, or you
>will be exterminated"! You glance behind you and you see that you are being
>menaced by a hideous Dalek. (Not only is it hideous, but it hasn't taken care
>of its hygine like other Daleks.)

>What do you do?

Halt.

Richard Jones  18/1/98

===========

Charles Daniels  wrote:
>>I was wrestling between Inferno and The Daemons, The Daemons lost out
>>because even though it is brilliant throughout it has that completely
>>unsatisfactory ending.

Yes.  I can't believe that a super-intelligent, highly-evolved
being from an advanced civiliastion would explode just because
it got a bit confused.  What must life be like on Daemos?
"I can't remember where I left my keys."  BOOM!

Sam Nelson  18/1/98

=========

Reviewing a Doctor Who novel, Keith, is also in many ways, like making
love to a beautiful woman. First you strip away the surface layers, to
reveal the quivering beauty beneath. Then, you compare it to what you
have seen before, and decide whether to feed it with chocolates, fine
wine, what have you, or whether to just pull down its panties, depilate
its undergrowth, put it over your knee and give it six of the best. 

The important thing, Keith, is that you don't feel guilty afterwards.

Dave Owen  19/1/98

===========

Sam Nelson  wrote:
>>>Yes.  I can't believe that a super-intelligent, highly-evolved
>>>being from an advanced civiliastion would explode just because
>>>it got a bit confused.  What must life be like on Daemos?
>>>"I can't remember where I left my keys."  BOOM!

Charles Daniels  wrote:
>>Yes you'd think they'd wipe themselves out long before they  became a
>>force to threathen the galaxy.

R. Smeltzer wrote:
>Well, it never was explained what caused them to die out...

A future incarnation of the Doctor gave them a piece of paper with
'PTO' written on both sides...

Rob Stradling  19/1/98

==========

Ken Mann  wrote:
>Which reminds me, imagine for a moment that Ian Chesterton and Barbara
>Wright mind their own business.  The first doctor is still on earth when
>two dalek battle crusiers turn up but knows nothing about daleks and the
>earth is destroyed as they fight over the hand of omega, which hasn't
>been programmed to do anything in particular.  Remembrance of the Daleks
>becomes the first and last Doctor Who story.  Or as Davros might have
>put it, "the plan would have worked if it wasn't for those interfering
>adults".

Except that, without the Doctor, life would never have begun on Earth, because 
Scaroth would have succeded.  This would probably not translate into good 
television.

Richard Smaltzer  19/1/98

==========

Gary Russell wrote:

>Which takes us back to that interesting thread about Doctor's meeting
>comic characters. Delirium versus the Sixth Doctor. I like that idea.

Birthday Party: A Drabble
    (before CoA)

Peri nudged the Doctor. "Why didn't you tell me it was
your birthday?"
 
"I would have if I'd known I'd be having guests.  The Endless
have a habit of dropping in unannounced."
 
Death handed a psychedelically wrapped box to the
Doctor, grinning around a mouthful of chocolate cake.
 
"I hOPe YoU liKe IT," said Delirium. " I MadE iT mySeLF.
DOn't YoU juSt LUVVV rAInBowS.?
 
"Yes, I do." The Doctor removed the lid and winced at the
garish coat inside. "Though I've never seen quite so
many in one place."

Destiny turned to him. "You will find it useful. . .one day."

Erin Tumilty 20/1/98

=========

BF Elliot wrote:
>>>You are walking past a convenience store and you hear the words "Halt, or
>>>you will be exterminated"! You glance behind you and you see that you are
>>>being menaced by a hideous Dalek. (Not only is it hideous, but it 
>>>hasn't taken care of its hygine like other Daleks.)
 
>>Run up the nearest flight of stairs, taunt it, and throw heavy objects,
>>such as pianos, at its head.

Aidan Alexander Folkes  wrote:
>Then you discover it's got a fork lift truck and is coming after you.

"I say old chap, have you got a license to drive that thing?"
"SHUT-UP-OR-YOU-WILL-BE-EX-TER-MI-NA-TED!"
"But weren't you about to do that anyway?"
"WHY-DON'T-YOU-ASK-ME-IN-STEAD-WHERE-ON-
EARTH-I-GOT-A-FORK-LIFT-BUILT-FOR-A-DA-LEK!"

Azaxyr  21/1/98

==========

Daniel Frankham  wrote
>It might save a lot of angst if we just scrap all of these disputed
>titles, and come up with some new, less disputed, ones. Just as the
>early episodes of Red Dwarf are now being remade in the image of
>Season VII, I propose that we give the early Whos new titles in the
>style of the later series...

How 'bout if Chris Bidmead was script editor from day one:

Season 1
Earth
Skaro
TARDIS
Earth Again
Marinus
Earth Again Again
Sensesphere
Earth Again Again Again

Season 2
Earth Again Again Again Again
Earth Again Again Again Again Again
Dido
Earth Again Again Again Again Again Again
Vortis
Earth Again Again Again Again Again Again Again
Xeros
Aridius (with bits of Earth Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again)

I mean I could go on... until:

The TVM
Earth Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again
Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again
Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again
Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again
Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again
Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again
Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again
Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again
Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again
Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again
Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again
Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again
Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again
Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again
Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again

Terry Joynson  22/1/98

===========

[Subject: Re: 100,000  BC]

Steven K. Manfred  wrote:
>It's my opinion that it's just a show, and you should really just
>relax.  :)  
>T/A, "Mission to the Unknown," btw

I think peri's entire run on the series should be counted as one story
called T/A

Charles Daniels  22/1/98

============

The thing I always loved about Target books was the printers' codes on
the bottom of every twentieth (or so) page. It had the initials of the
title of the book. 

My favourite: DWATPOTS. It's a word that has haunted me ever since...
is that a rustling of wind through the trees, or an unearthly voice
whispering... DWATPOTS... 

Conrad Feinson  23/1/98

==========

Pete Galey  wrote:
>I think "The Five Doctors" should have been called "Doctor Who in an
>exciting adventure with Doctor Who in an exciting adventure with Doctor
>Who in an exciting but brief adventure with Doctor Who in an exciting
>adventure with someone who looks a bit like Doctor Who if you squint.
>And are drunk".

I think Richard Hurndall did a very fine job as the First Doctor.
I mean who else could have been cast into the role?

Charles Daniels  23/1/98

==========

Gary Russell  wrote:
>Depending on how well the book sells decides whether you can take long
>holidays in the Meditteranean or, like everyone working on Who-rlated
>stuff, you stare wistfully out of rain-soaked windows and wonder what it's
>like to travel on one of those big metal bird-like things that zoom around
>in the sky.

*Windows?* You can afford *Windows*? With proper glass and everything?

Dave Stone  23/1/98

==========

Dangermouse  wrote:
>Mind you the problem here is that my reputation for in-jokes is now so
>entrenched that that people will see anything vaguely familiar as a
>deliberate in-joke, even if it isn't!

That's a reference to something, isn't it? Can't pu my finger on it
though...

Conrad Feinson  23/1/98

===========

Peter Anghelides wrote:
>If the "official" renaming makes it difficult to
>remember or understand, what's the point? Even

[...]

>Make it nice and clear, I say. 

>Peter Anghelides
>(Author of "Kursaal, pages 1 to 282")

I think you'll find that's "Werewolf Cutaway". :-)

Rob Stradling  26/1/98

============

Azaxyr  wrote:
>>Imagine that... Kate and Jon are on vacation and the 
>>newsgroup is in a state of harmony.
>>Coincidence...?

 wrote:
>Yes.

Was that the Aye of Harmony?

Steve Biggs  27/1/98

===========

 - Robert Smith?