Quotes from rec.arts.drwho
The
December-January 2001
Quotefile.
"Of course, if you had a quote file, you could look it up in the quote file
under quote file" ...
- Jason A. Miller 31st May 1995
Welcome everyone to the latest Quote File. The Quote File is basically all the
smartest, wittiest most entertaining stuff collected off rec.arts.drwho (though
other Doctor Who newsgroups are also eligible if you want to send something in)
filtered by trained primates and presented back to you in a sort of
instant nostalgia recycling exercise curiously reminiscent of Readers Digest
only more enlightening and actually funny.
Essentially, it is the funniest quotes to appear in the newsgroup as nominated
by you. To that end, if you see a quote you think deserves an entry in the
Quote File, just mail Robert at
smithrj2@mcmail.cis.mcmaster.ca
or the ever-handy
radwquotefile@geocities.com
and include the attributions and the quote in full.
Please don't be shy about nominating stuff directly to Robert via e-mail.
Saying 'quotefile!' in the newsgroup may just be a way to express how funny
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would much rather have too much to choose from than too little.
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Disclaimer: The copyright of all material contained herein remains with the
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The quotefile is updated monthly (usually midmonth, although it varies depending
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On with the quotes!
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[Subject: Re: Jon Pertwee IS the Second Doctor...]
Chris Sutor wrote:
> Jerazk spake thusly:
> > Well yeah he is really. The Patrick Troughton Doctor was
> > rejuvenated, NOT regenerated (at least that was the original
> > intention in POWER OF THE DALEKS which has since been
> > contradicted), thus...
>
> Let me see if I follow your thinking..
>
> Troughton's Doctor was brought on by Rejuvination - controlled by
> the TARDIS, it was not a regeneration since it was not a
> self-induced event.
>
> Then:
> Pertwee was brought on by action of the timelords - Their
> intervention makes this a non-regeneration since it wasn't a
> natural "death". Note the Timelords also never use the term
> "regeneration" they say only that his face will change.
>
> Tom Baker arrives with the assistance of another Timelord. "The
> process just needs a little *push*"... This push could disqualify
> this as a regeneration since by all accounts, the Doctor was
> unable to regenerate on his own. It becomes an event handled by a
> third party.
>
> Peter Davidson arrives via the bizarre intervention of "The
> Watcher"... a "mid-change" form of the Doctor himself. This is
> obviously not a natural event, since it involves a near violation
> of the first law of time.
>
> And finally.. Colin Baker arrives. The Doctor collapses to the floor
> and dies, saying "It feels diferent this time"...
>
> Colin Baker is the Second Doctor, and the first true regeneration of
> the series, which expains why he becomes mentally unstable
> afterwards. It's the first time he's ever had to really *do* it...
Oh dear God! Oh please, no! That makes McCoy... the Third Doctor!
A whole tradition of on-line debate and bitch-fighting has just been
either resolved or thrown into an eternity of enhanced, schizophrenic
chaos.
Gregg Smith 17/11/00
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On Stardate 05 Dec 2000 05:55:47 GMT, Shrikezingar V sent a Galactic Union
telegram to rec.arts.drwho, containing the following momentous news:
>Female Companion Foxy Boxing.
>
>Think it over.
I did, and somehow the idea of watching Peri or Leela
shove a vulpine into a crate failed to grip...
Lorrill Buyens 8/12/00
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[Subject: Re: Looking for old friend - Simon Waterfield]
"orinoco" wrote:
>How sad (of me I must point out). My first reaction was to think of making a
>joke about being related to Victoria, and then I remembered an anecdote from
>Panopticon I was told where this girl told me that some drooling sadfan had
>come up to her and said that they could be related.
Erm, even for the vomitous world of pickup lines, 'We could be
related!' is a less-than-sterling attempt, don't you think?
James 9/12/00
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Steve Day wrote:
>"Kenneth Clark" wrote:
> >who still can't get over the fact that Steve's only previous Who
> >book for a dog's age was Divided Loyalties, unless he's grossly
> >misremembering.
>
> Didnt even finish that I was so bored. It started well then just went
> very 'fanwanky'. In fact, I cant remember much, apart from that card
> game or something that was quite good, then zzzzzzzzzz.
I would consider rereading the book to find this alleged good part,
but I would then be forced to put my eyes out.
I don't think that words have been invented that truly express how
much I despised _Divided Loyalties_. That book was so awfible. It
was badsucky. The writing was amatildish and insultescending.
I had never actively HATED a Doctor Who book before reading _Divided
Loyalties_. I think it's one of the worst books I've ever read,
period (and this is coming from someone who read a big chunk of the
cookie-cutter TSR Dragonlance/Forgotten Realms fiction, as well as
Piers Anthony's later Xanth novels).
DeX 14/12/00
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>>(CMBurnham) wrote:
>> Oh and regarding this Sex vs DW bit, I think we should set up up a poll about
>> it on the newsgeoup.; Honestly, given my experience, I'd have to pick DW on
>> most occasions. But maybe that's because I understand it better...
>crok@crok.demon.co.uk:
>It's also easier to obtain.
Also, some more Dr. Who vs. Sex observations:
DW doesn't care if you watch one story after another.
DW doesn't care if you snack while watching.
DW can have its tracking adjusted to find just the right spot every time.
DW can be enjoyed every day of the month.
DW doesn't care what you are wearing.
You can watch DW without having to go out to dinner and a movie first.
DW doesn't care if you watch it with one or more of your friends.
When you are done with DW you can rewind it and watch it again and again and
again.
DW doesn't get headaches.
You can pick from up to 8 different DW characters and watch them all in the
same day if so desired.
You can watch DW by yourself.
You can forget about DW for days, even weeks, with no adverse effects.
DW won't care if you watch 2, 3 or even 5 Doctors at once.
When you are done with DW, you can hand it over to your friend for him to
enjoy.
DW won't care if you share it with total strangers on the internet.
DW won't soil your bedding.
You won't mind if DW hangs around the morning after.
You can buy DW without fear of being arrested.
Alan S. Wales 20/12/00
-----------------------------------------------------------------
David Furlong said:
> on the other hand, I consider Season 24, particularly Delta and the
> Bannermen, to be the lowest point in the series' history.
You are me, and I claim my five pounds.
Well, with regard to Delta anyway. I've stated before that I find that
story to be so bad that I'm surprised its effects didn't actually reach
back in time and get the show cancelled two years before it even aired...
William December Starr 21/12/00
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[Subject: Re: colin & tom baker]
>Are they related?
Yes, Tom was married to Colin for several years. Then they divorced and
swapped over, so that Colin could be married to Tom.
Rob Shearman 28/12/00
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"I didn't want to be just another Time Lord.
I wanted to be...THE MASTER!
Dominating planet after planet as my TARDIS spins across the galaxy! The
Doctor's dear Earth! The dry and arid Skaro! The peaceful Traken! Mighty
Gallifrey itself!"
*In a flash, changes into full Gallifreyan court outfit á la the Roberts
Master*
*Autons start humming in the background*
"The smell of charred flesh! The sight of worlds submitting to my will!
With my best buddy by my side ..." *the 5th Doc, all silky blond hair and
adoring blue eyes and a quivering lower lip, rushing to his side*
"We'd sing ... sing ... sing!"
Sung to the tune of Monty Python's "I'm a Lumberjack")
"I'm the Master and you'll obey,
I dominate the galaxy night and day!
*Autons singing*
He's the Master and we'll obey,
He dominates the galaxy night and day!
*Master*
I snuff out lives, I grope Queens' behinds,
I rupture space-time's fabric.
I fool the Doc by creating cities
With torturing the shit out of Adric.
*Autons*
He snuffs out lives, he gropes Queens' behinds,
He ruptures space-time's fabric.
He fools the Doc by creating cities
With torturing the shit out of Adric.
He's the Master and we'll obey,
He dominates the galaxy night and day!
*Master*
I command dummies, I skip and jump,
I like to arrange deadly flowers. (slaps thigh)
I put on Peri's clothing
And ponce around on Mars.
*Autons*
He commands dummies, he skips and jumps,
He likes to arrange deadly flowers.
He puts on Peri's clothing?
And ponces around on Mars?!?!?
He's the Master and we'll obey,
He dominates the galaxy night and day!
*Master*
I build TCEs, I wear high heels,
Use mascara and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa!"
*5th Doc bursts into tears: "Oh, Koschei! And I thought you were so
_butch_!" He runs away, sobbing.*
*Autons look on, puzzled. The Master grunts and glares at them menacingly,
wiping their memory banks clean. Oh, sod it.*
Auntie Krizu 30/12/00
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[Subject: EXCLUSIVE - new missing episode tape found!!!]
>From the unshown, behind the scenes TV show "Behind the Scenes of TV"
featuring the BBC1 show Doctor Who...
The video recording has gone missing, but an audio recording
survives...
Barry:
Right Terry what's the state of play for next season?
Terry:
We`ve got the Daleks in story 1, a bit of political shenanigans in
story 2.
Barry:
Sounds good, what have we got this time - tank battles, car chases,
gunfights or sword fights? Don't forget we have to keep to the 1.5
fights per episodes ratio.
Terry:
Er, no it's all set in a palace, and it's all political rather than a
war movie.
Barry:
But where is the action? We'll cheat again and turn it in to an alien
world & let Jon go on his walkies again. We've got to force in some
chases somewhere, see to it Terry.
Terry:
If you must, I'll talk to Brian and try to get it changed, but it's
densely plotted stuff -
Barry:
Give it another 2 episodes, should be enough to give it plenty of
action.
Terry:
Can't do that, it's only budgeted for 4 episodes.
Barry:
Damn - don't try and slip any of that "drama" shit past me again I
had enough of that shit dumped on me by Derrick - I want ACTION ACTION
ACTION. Remember, we are playing to the under 5s. What about the other
3?
Terry:
No firm plans yet.
Barry:
All right I want to build on the success of last season, let's have
a story with the Master in.
Terry:
But you don't think that's a bit OTT, we had him in every story last
season?
Barry:
Nah - bring him back, oh and get him out of that bloody prison. Didn't
Mal offer us a Silurian sequel?
Terry:
yes
Barry:
Tell him he can do it but he has to put the master escaping from
prison into it, oh I've managed to get some Navy co-operation, so he
has to make it pro-Navy as well.
Terry:
Don't you think that will cramp his style, he's not exactly a slam-bang
action type of writer?
Barry:
He's a writer - get him to write.
Terry:
OK I'll get him on to that, what about the next one?
Barry:
I've got that sorted, Robs come up with this wicked idea of the Master
causing the destruction of Atlantis.
Terry:
Wasn't there a destruction of Atlantis story a few years ago?
Barry:
Yeah, but who give a fuck, the public will never remember it.
Terry:
OK, with the Master *again*?
Barry:
Hell yeah - every good idea deserves to be flogged to death, we'll use
this one as much as possible.
Terry:
R-i-g-h-t, next story.
Barry:
Right yeah, I've got this alien planet, with the baddie being
the Ma-
[Terry lets out a long drawn out scream, and machine breaks at this
point.]
'The Laughing Dalek' 2/1/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[Subject: Re: Dr X's New Year]
> Consisted of drinking booze, screwing a flooze, and watching some classic
> Troughton in the War Games. does it get any better than that? I thinketh
> not.
Did you sacrifice a goat? It's never New Years until you sacrifice a goat.
My New Years consisted of:
Drinking
Going to a party and drinking
Blank
Blank
Blank
Kissing someone, but i can't remember who
Blank
Blank
The police coming
Blank
Running across a field
Blank
Blank
In a taxi
Blank
It must have been fun.
Keith Brookes 3/1/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[Subject: Re: The End of Doctor Who]
gareth parker wrote:
>If it had to end - as in END - the Doctor would have to die. An
>adventure where he would have to sacrafice his life for us all,
>knowing he can move on to his next life... Then, I think a
>regeneration that begins and fails, condemming a dying Timelord to
>death... And this time he can't hold it back.
>
>Then a long shot, preferrably with the Doctor lying in the arms of a
>friend as the sun sets on last time behind him. We don't see him die,
>but we KNOW it's about to happen. There will be no reprieve, no
>escape.
>
>Fade to black. Silent credits. BAFTA's all round.
But after a campaign by a national daily newspaper (and a bout of public
hysteria that the British population is so good at these days) a new final
scene is shot where K9 appears out of nowhere pushing a large cardboard box
with "Doctor Who Mk II" written on the side. K9 spins round to face the
camera, starts to laugh (cameo appearance by John Leeson). Fade to black.
Doctor Who is never heard from again. Half of fandom ignores the entire
episode/story because "The name Doctor *Who* isn't canon." K9 goes on to
replace Craig Charles as presenter of Robot Wars.
Donald Campbell 4/1/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Attribution lost:
> Can anyone out there tell me the height of William Hartnell?
*holds ruler up to TV screen*
About seven and a half inches.
John Toon 4/1/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Sean Bean - Exclusive Script Extract!
It just so happens I have an exclusive extract from the script here, sent to
me by Matt Snowden from the Eclipse Cafe (www.eclipsecafe.com):
The Doctor:
Eee up lass... look over t'hill... it's them Daleks... reet nasty buggers
they are and no mistake.
Assistant:
Bleedin Nora, what are we going to do, Doc? There's too many of the
blighters! We're dun fer now... ooo mother!
The Doctor:
Pull tha sen together lass. Now chuck us that there 2 by 4 and I'll smack
um into next Tuesday... be a pet and ger us a cuppa tea will yer luv. And
get K-Grommit to get the cheese and crackers ready... COME ON YER BUGGERS...
YOU THINK YER CAN AV ME? NOT BLOODY LIKELY!!!
(The Doctor runs towards the Daleks in his wax jacket and wellies, waving a
big stick)
Dalek 1:
Oh bugger!
CUE DOCTOR WHO THEME TUNE AS PLAYED BY THE SCRIMSHAW EX-COAL WORKERS BRASS
ENSEMBLE.
Neil Perryman 4/1/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[Subject: Re: [pro-fun] What Happened To The Doctor's Name?]
ann wrote:
> Is it some spiritual reason (akin to not letting his "true essence" out through
> his name)?
>
> Is it some political reason?
>
> Or a practical reason?
>
> Or some other possibility I haven't even thought of?
Possible lawsuit?
E.g. "Hello, I'm Doctor Wwwdotbritneyspearsdotcom..."
I'll just leave, shall I?
John Toon 5/1/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Attribution lost:
>Peri killed that mutant at the beginning of Revelation of the Daleks. As
>the Doctor pointed out, she really did not have much choice.
Oh, nonsense. Every day when I wake up I consider the choice of whether to go
out and kill a mutant or not, and choose not to. That girl simply lacked moral
fibre.
Rob Shearman 5/1/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[Subject: Re: 250 million pounds for a film??]
Matthew Goodyear wrote...
>For that price i'd want Sean Connery as the Doctor, i'd want Delgado
>cloned so he can be the master and i'd want real live daleks.
A few years in the future:
And today on Court TV, we carry trial coverage of the case that shocked the
Cosmos.
The Daleks are suing BBC films for 3 Thousand Million Pounds UK currency for
inadequate safety measures on the set of a "Doctor Who" movie, along with
the horrible death of the Director. Several Daleks died while filming scenes
from the climax of the movie.
The director claimed it was a coincidence and that the Daleks died from
heart attacks. Such a tragedy, the official report reads.
Attorneys for the Daleks' families have pointed out the big smoking holes in
the head area of said Daleks. They will claim that the studio used *real*
weapons on the acting Daleks after contractually agreeing to only use fake
weapons.
The case is expected to last 3 weeks. 5 weeks if any attorneys are
accidentally exterminated along the way.
Benjamin F. Elliott 5/1/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
john8x8x wrote:
>Who's noticed that AWFUL spelling
>mistake accompanying the illustration
>to The Auton Invasion on page 34 with the
>Doctor in bed? "satring staright" I think
>they meant "staring straight"
No, that's right. In Nestenese, "satring staright" means "hot piece of ass"
Fett 5/1/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Steve Day wrote:
> Alden Bates wrote:
>
> >rec.arts.drwho.moderated *is*. Different group.
>
> Yep, and it will be run by New Adventure authors.
Hot damn, I'm a New Adventure author! Woo hoo!
< dances around, buys drinks for suddenly-NA-authors Karen, Alyrssa,
Becky,
Siobahn, and Trina -- none of which have published novels to the best of
my knowledge -- until he realises the New Adventures ceased publishing
some years ago >
Charles Martin 7/1/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[Subject: Re: Unmade stories]
"Shadow Walker" wrote"
> How about the Varnax scripts? You could probably get a couple of
> novels out of those (a 6th doc PDA with the original, an EDA with
> Johnny Byrne's second script), plus have enough material left
> over for a future Doc (a combination of the Last of the Time
> Lords scripts). With a little bit of rewriting I think it could
> work and be fantastic.
I know, vaguely, what Last of the Time Lords was about (see below for
spoilers) but what about t'others?
Last of the Time Lords:
TIME LORD 1: We're right buggered. If only the Doctor was still around.
TIME LORD 2: He died ages ago.
TIME LORD 1: A shame we can't bring him back to life.
TIME LORD 2: Why not? We cut off his second regeneration early - let's give
it him back!
< He presses a button. The DOCTOR appears. He looks nothing like Patrick
Troughton >
DOCTOR: So, you've given me my life back?
TIME LORD 1: Yes. And here are some companions for you.
COMPANION 1: Yo.
COMPANION 2: I can't think of anything that the prejudiced might assume
racial groups in America might say.
TIME LORD 2: So. Can you do this little job for us? Stop some bloke nobody's
ever heard of?
DOCTOR: No. Why should I?
TIME LORD 1: We're right buggered.
Andrew J. Brook 7/1/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[Subject: Re: Unmade stories]
"Cameron Mason" wrote...
> > > Guardians of the Prophercy as a Sixth Doctor and Peri PDA
> > What was that about? Anyone know? Was that that Varnax one?
> Johnny Bryne Sixth Doctor and Peri story, a sequel to Keeper of Traken.
Peri: "Where are we, Doctor?"
Doctor: "Traken."
Peri: "Didn't you say that got destroyed?"
Doctor: "I had wondered where the ground was, yes."
> IIRC, JNT hated it, Eric Saward liked it.
Oh, right.
Peri: "Where are we, Doctor?"
Doctor: "Traken, right before it gets blown up into giant smithereens."
Eric: "Guns! Explosions! Death!"
Doctor: "That sort of thing, yes......"
< The planet is destroyed, taking the Doctor, Peri and Eric with it >
Andrew J. Brook 7/1/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[Regarding some naughty binaries posted to the group]
John Pettigrew:
>Auntie Krizu:
>>for
>>the life of me, can't understand what is going on here. Maybe my browser's
>>trying to protect me from what I'd see there? :)
>That would be my full frontal nudie pics of last year's Tazmanian
>holiday then...
Oh I can just see it now.....
"In a desperate attempt to raise money to fund a new series of their
favourite television series, a bunch of Doctor Who fans have produced
their own naked calendar. Covering their modesty with multi-coloured
scarfs, sink plungers and sonic screwdrivers the calendar has so far
sold enough copies to fund half of the opening credits...."
Cwej 7/1/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>"Steve Day" wrote...
>> I've currently got a webcam set up pointed towards my Who videos. It
>> will be on for the next hour or so............
Ash-23 wrote...
>I don't know which is sadder, the fact that you set up this webcam, or the
>fact that I looked at it...
I don't know what is sadder, the thread itself, the fact that I laughed out
loud at this thread while drinking a soda, or the fact that I had enough
experience with this to position my mouth just right to keep the gurgling
soda from escaping onto my keyboard.
Benjamin F. Elliott 7/1/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Douglas B. Killings wrote:
>I'd say that, by this point, the word "Doctor" was more or less a swear
>word in the Dalek language.
"Bad Language Of The Daleks"
Reynold, the only Dalek to survive the Movellan virus, the hunt for the Hand
Of Omega in 1963, and the mission to exterminate the Doctor on Mechanus,
begins to suffer from flashbacks. Visions of Time Lords, baseball bats,
hungry trees, white puss, etc. take control of his mind in a tragic sequence
that results in the murder of Phillip, his longtime Dalek friend. As Dalek
police roll in on Reynold and Dalek psychologists try to reason with him,
Reynold begins uttering an unending stream of Dalek profanity (DOCTOR,
TARDIS, BASEBALL, STAIRS, THALS, CARROT JUICE, etc). Can Reynold be saved and
join the Daleks for the Invasion Of Earth? Or is it just too late?
Reynold - Samuel L. Jackson
Phillip - John Scott Martin
White Puss - Bagpuss
Script Editors - Eric Saward and Fred Freiburger
Director - James Cameron
Producer - Philip Segal
Tea Lady - Sue from Cornwall
Benjamin F. Elliott 8/1/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Attribution lost:
>What if the series had been filmed entirely without clothes? (Well, maybe
>a scarf)...
>Where would the Fifth Doctor wear his celery?
Up his arse, in a manner akin to the plastic daffodil placed up
Wilfred Hyde-Whyte's in Carry On Nurse.
>What effect would the sight of King Yrcanos have on the viewers?
Shrivelling...
>How could you tell one Sensorite from another?
The size of their knobs.
>What would Susan lose in the acid pool in the Keys of Marinus?
Her virginity. Those Voord are horny buggers.
>How would Ian stop Barbara from falling from the roof of the Mechanoid
>city?
He'd grab hold of her...
...lovely bouffant hairstyle.
>How would Sarah Jane be mistaken for a boy in The Time Warrior?
A large sausage, dangling from her...
>Would we notice anything different about Peri?
Not a natural brunette.
>What would Nyssa drop in Terminus?
Several tabs of 'E'.
>Would Mary Whitehouse have any complaints?
She'd have had a heart attack at the sight of P.C. Mist's truncheon.
>How would we know Jamie was Scottish, just in case he doesn't speak?
Tartan pubic hair.
>What would be unusual about Katy Manning posing with a Dalek?
It would've been printed in Junior Doctor Who Weekly.
Gordon Dempster 10/1/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
You've got the Gallifreyan name-construction the wrong way round,
incidentally. The proper name for another Time Lord to address him is
*Ansoatlarswemeetagaindoctah*.
Dave Stone 12/1/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[Subject: Re: *Another* missing ep rumour...]
"Richard Develyn" wrote:
> Steve Roberts wrote...
> > And there's no truth in this missing episode rumour, AFAIK.
>
> Aw, shame. I always hold my hopes up now until one of you guys makes a clear
> denial like this.
>
> I remember when The Lion showed up there was a clear lack of straight
> denials from you (plural) even though there was no clear confirmation. ISTR
> your emails were carefully phrased though we didn't realise that until we
> read them afterwards :-)
Note his clever use of the phrase 'missing' episode rumour!
Since it's been found, it's not missing!
So he can quite boldly claim not to know anything about a 'missing'
episode, can't he.
"I refuse to confirm that Power 3 exists," says Steve. "For
confirmation denies faith, and without faith, missing Who is
nothing."
"Ah," says fan, "but your response is a dead giveaway. It
confirms Power 3 exists, and so therefore it doesn't. QED."
Misha Lauenstein 16/1/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[Subject: Re: Guess what I learnt today about Green Velvet frock coats...]
Who Goes There? wrote:
> Victorian Gentleman refused to wear them as it was believed that it
> brought bad luck on the individual.
>
> Paul McGann never stood a chance!
Well green was the colour of fairies hence this superstition, but it was
also at one point the colour of prostitutes. Perhaps Paul stood more of a
chance than anyone expected, but not in 1999.
Bob 17/1/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[Subject: A Review of Logopolis]
"It is the end, but the moment has been prepared for. Yes, don't worry, I've
got Peter Davison on line one and I'm sure we'll talk him round. Stop
worrying. Yes, I'll leak it to the press that we're casting a woman. You
cheeky monkey! OK, lovey. Bye..." {click}
And so, to the end of an era. To be brutally honest, Logopolis has always
had an easy ride in Doctor Who fandom. It's Tom's last story! He
regenerates! It's got the Master in it! It's brilliant! Well, no it it
isn't, and deep down we all know this for a fact. Let's step back and look
at the evidence - Baker went out with a whimper not a bang. This ain't no
swansong, it's the sound of a startled chicken having its feathers plucked
out.
Once upon a time, science fiction writers didn't bother incorporating real
honest-to-God science with their fake story-driving science. To hell with
research, we just wanna have fun! And then along comes Arthur C Clarke and
he ruins it for everyone. All of a sudden, the science has to be "realistic"
until it doesn't matter if it helps the story or not, it just has to
conceivably work. Like anyone gave a shit!
So, in Baker's early fun-filled years we got transmats and death rays and
planet eating spacships, whereas towards the end we got Christopher H
Bidmead. You can tell that Bidmead considered himself a "real science
fiction writer" - just look at that H in his name, standing there proudly,
defying you not to take him seriously.
Suddenly, Doctor Who is full of "entropy" and "recursive loops" and other
hard sounding made-up things. And just as suddenly, things get very dry and
very, very dour indeed. Saturday tea time had never been so gloomy.
Things start deceptively well for Logopolis with the Doctor in a "loopy
post-Romana distraction loop", as Bidmead would no doubt have put it, and he
decides it's about bloody time he fixed the TARDIS' chameleon circuit. He
banters with Adric for a bit and you can tell he hates the little bastard. I
love these scenes in the story and I only wish they'd lasted the full 90
minutes, culminating in a fist fight where the plucky Alzarian cheats and
kills Tom.
And so, the Doctor heads to contemporary England so he can measure a real
Police Box. Luckily he misses the Blackpool Exhibition Centre and ends up on
what looks suspiciously like the M42.
Enter the third annoying companion in a row. Surely some kind of record,
even for Doctor Who. By this time the production team are sending in new
companions to gang up on Baker and it's no wonder he looks so distressed.
Tegan Jovanka was probably the most annoying thing to happen to Doctor Who
up to that point. The voice, the uniform, the voice. The tendency to swear
by shouting "Rabbits!". The boob-tube. But most of all that voice. She comes
careering into the TARDIS and from that moment on, Tom can't wait to pop his
clogs, so much so he even has a quick chat to his future self, probably
urging him to get a bloody move on.
Actually, the concept of the Police Box that has dematerialised around
another Police Box, which is, in fact, a TARDIS around another TARDIS is
quite well realised. Well, they turned the lights down on the set a bit, and
that seemed to help the audience keep up.
In short, the Master (boo! hiss!) has stolen the body of some bit-part actor
from the last story (The Keeper of Traken) and now he has the Doctor caught
up in some casual loop thingy. The Doctor's solution? Land in the Thames and
flood his TARDIS, hopefully washing the Master's TARDIS out in the process.
The only protection from the goodies being drowned themselves comes from
holding onto the console very, very tightly.
Anyone got a problem with that? He's got a "H" in his name - it could
happen.
Thankfully, this plan is aborted at the last second and our attention is
diverted to Logopolis itself. One quick look at the place and you know that
they really wanted to call it Lego-polis. Here we are introduced to the plot
which revolves around... wait for it... mathematics! Oh joy! Death by
simultaneous equations! The horror!
To liven things up a bit they make out that all these decrepit
mathematicians have to recite all this boring maths or the universe will
fall apart. The Master can't believe his luck and he quickly kills one of
the logopolitans (who hardly seems to notice). Suddenly, the equations get
screwed. Remember when you used to copy reams of machine code from that
Spectrum magazine into your computer so you could play hangman, but you
missed a line and the whole thing went pearshaped? Well, that's what happens
to the universe when you kill a mathematician.
The Master suddenly realises that he's going to destroy the whole universe,
which isn't going to give him anything to rule over, so he strikes up a deal
with the Doctor. They shake hands! Fanboys orgasm around the country. It's
so goddamn po-faced when it really is so absurd. The Master is lying, of
course, but the Doctor is too withdrawn from the action to notice that he's
been duped.
Apologists for this story always make special reference to the fact that
Baker spends much of his time "brooding" in this episode, ergo it must be
good. You can call it brooding if you like, matey, but let's face it - Baker
is BORED STIFF. There he is in the middle of a story no one but Bidmead
truly understands, surrounded by whining little brats as his stint as the
quintessential children's hero is about to come to an undignified end. He's
brooding about the fate of his career, not the bloody universe.
And so to Earth and the Pharos Project which for some inexplicable reason is
also replicated on the Math Planet and therefore this Sky at Night
monstrosity can somehow solve the simultaneous equations and the universe
will fix itself again. If you say it really, really quickly it almost makes
sense.
The Master does something really evil and the Doctor is forced to balance a
bit and hit something with a spanner in order to save the universe from
total destruction. All this as the Master uses a megaphone to cry "Listen up
Universe, I'm the boss now! Bow down before me or I'll pull plug on this
Commodore 64 that sits before me!"
The final realisation that Logopolis is a steaming pile of sacred cowshit
comes with the Doctor's death and subsequent regeneration. It's just
incredibly naff. The Doctor falls from the Pharos gantry (for no readily
apparent reason - it's as if he just can't be arsed holding on anymore ) and
then he falls (or should that be "a Gareth Hunt Fisher Price Doll falls")
onto some astrotuff - without a hair out of place. Then some enigmatic snot
dribbles into Tom's head, making him look like he's been caked in Plater of
Paris by some hamfisted nursery school children.
"The Watcher was the Doctor all along!" exclaims Nyssa in a last ditch
attempt to fool the audience into thinking they had just witnessed a
coherent story. No wonder the public were so distressed by this final insult
to seven years of Baker bliss.
It is a complete miracle that Davison went on to become a great Doctor after
all...
For decades Logopolis has been held up as a bona fide classic because the
alternative was just too horrifying to contemplate. Tom Baker's last ever
stint as the Doctor was shite. Say it with me, you'll feel better.
Neil Perryman 17/1/01
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Attribution lost:
> Did anyone get a defective tape when they bought Mawdryn Undead? I don't
> know if mine is shit or not, cos the sound is pretty wobbly and the color
> isn't very good.
Ah, that would be the 1983 production values.
Neil Perryman 19/1/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Attribution lost:
> (OB Who: I wonder how timelords mark their birthdays...)
"Yes Peri, it is indeed my birthday according to the Delphoolian
calendar of the 67th millennium. So I'm afraid it's tits out for the
lads again."
Finn Clark 19/1/01
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[Subject: Re: Best picture of 8th Doc]
Kevin Parrott wrote...
> What do you think is the best picture of the eight doctor?
> I would say a poster I won from the radio times. It has in in full
> costume standing in front of the tardis doors (inside) and his
> hair looks great, not like he has just come out of a hospital. I
> think it really is the best picture!
Looking at that picture on my wall, McGann seems very solemn - not how
I think of the 8th Doctor to be honest. It looks like someone has
just told him the US audience figures.
David Embery 23/1/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[Subject: Re: No R4 Show, but the Foot Doctor?!]
Shaun Lyon wrote...
> "F. Jason Rhoden" wrote:
> > I don't know about you guys, but I think BBV has gone way over the line with
> > this one.
>
> It's a parody. Done to be silly and fun. Their last one ("The Auton
> Diaries") was a hoot.
>
> This is *meant* to be a parody, so I wouldn't worry...
There are no Parods in it. No carnaried or budgerigards either. To call it
parody is a gross misrepresentation of its avian content.
Paul Ebbs 26/1/01
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[Subject: Re: Nightmare Doctor Who Movie!]
Gordon...
> Chris Sutor wrote:
>
> >and just to add insult to injury:
> >Title theme by Issac Hayes
>
> I would pay good money to hear this...
Shh. Somewhere, Matt Stone and Trey Parker might be listening.
*At the South Park DW Con, Chef walks on stage, wearing a full Pertwee
outfit*
I'm a Lord of Time, baby,
Gonna take my time with you
Gonna unwrap those tentacles from around your thighs
And turn your screams to sighs
When I lay you down over the console
And set the Time Rotor into motion
Rip off my clothes, expose me whole,
Rub me down with lotion!
There is no limit to how far we can go
Screwdriver's gonna make you see stars
Gonna reverse the polarity of your neutron flow
And shove it up your---
What we talkin' bout again?
Auntie Krizu 26/1/00
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[Subject: [ADRICS] Babe of the Year Campaigning]
Well everybody else is doing it...
I'm campaigning for myself to win 'Babe of the Year' despite the fact
that (a) I wasn't nominated in the first place and (b) I'm a man. But
I do have lovely long hair down past my arse and I'm pretty damned
good at oral sex (apparently). Oh, and I know how to make toast, even
if it is slightly underdone.
Remember - Meddling Mick for 'Babe of the Year'.
(I was also thinking of going for the 'Long Term Service' award
despite only being here for a couple of years but that would just be
being greedy, wouldn't it?)
(Meddling) Mick Gair 31/1/01
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[Regarding cross dressing in Doctor Who]
>"swlucky" wrote...
>I am a transgendered male who had a hand in the actual series,
Your hand didn't appear in "The Pyramids of Mars", did it????
Cardinal Zorak 1/2/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Cardinal Zorak wrote:
> "J2rider" wrote in message...
> > There were numerous closets that appeared. ANDROIDS OF TARA, the Key to
> > Time room.
>
> Properly called the limbo room.
As I understand it, it was in this very room that they determined how low they
could go.
Vick3ie 6/2/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[Subject: Re: Arnold Theme Tune - Subliminal Messages?]
"Alan S. Wales" wrote...
> > Zygon Curry kamelion@ic24.net
> >This is probably going to sound weird but does anyone think David Arnold
> >sampled voices when he arranged the theme tune? I ask because I was just
> >listening to one of the longer versions again when I thought I heard the
> >sound of a voice buried in the background.
>
> You think that's bad..........I hear the sound of voices buried in my
> backyard.
The voices buried in mine have formed themselves into a passable choral
society over the years. If anyone's interested they're putting on a charity
performance of Handel's Messiah next Tuesday at seven. It's only really
recommended for those with sixth-sense perception though, otherwise the
traffic tends to drown it out.
Gareth Thomas 7/2/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
John Long wrote:
>No more blow job jokes in the mod group, Adam.
Aww, that sucks!
Adam Richards 7/2/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
jerazk@aol.com (Jerazk) wrote:
>Third, why can't readers accept a story that is set among a season that
>is different in tone.
I find myself... agreeing with this. Never understood why the Fourth
Doctor only managed to land on 'funny' planets during his early days
with Romana's second incarnation. As said in another post in this
thread, why couldn't the Doctor arrive on a 'funny' planet between
'SoD' and 'WG'? Sure, the Doctor could still be as moody as fuck, but
that shouldn't stop him finding himself on the Planet of the Roboid
Bunny Girls.
Hmm, actually... I'd like to read that! I can just imagine everyone
running around with big manic, cheery smiles and the Doctor saying
'Just *fuck* *off, will you?!? I am *not* in the mood for this shit!'
(Meddling) Mick Gair 10/2/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Paul said:
> The Leisure Hive
>
> Boring. But don't I recognise the bloke playing the mad feller?
Yes, that was Tom Baker.
William December Starr 12/2/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Daniel Gooley wrote:
>R.J. Smith
>> Hank Tiffany :
>> >Would have been so nice if the base had been a bit on the seedy side
>> >and dimly lit instead of bright white clean. Heck, in the dark, maybe
>> >even the Myrka would've looked good. I've seen it work that way in
>> >bars...
>>
>> Yeah, I know what you mean. Only last week, I went home with Aggedor, woke
>> up with the Myrka.
>
>I imagine that must have made for an electric evening!
It was a total disaster. First, the dimmer switch in my bedroom broke, so
everything was too brightly lit. I made a wish, but everything just got
brighter. Then I found myself completely unable to lift my foam mattress
for some reason. We tried some bondage, but the only thing the Myrka liked
was the occasional karate kick. Once or twice I thought we were just
rehearsing, but it turned out that these were the actual moments.
The Myrka was supposed to be coming quickly, but it took forever and when
it finally did, it was nothing but a disappointment.
There should have been another way.
Robert Smith? 16/2/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Donut Fur said:
> Ok, honestly, I'm not an Adric lover, but what the
> hell is it that you guys have against the kid?
His theories appal me, his heresies outrage me,
he never answer letters and I don't like his tie.
William December Starr 16/2/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[Subject: Re: Worst Opening Sentence Competition]
"Auntie Krizu" wrote...
>
> Doctor: "And you must believe me, since this world is facing the greatest
> peril in its history... aah, sod it, anyone fancy a pint?"
Now this last one has a lot of potential!!
Isn't it how the Daemons ends too (but Brig saying it)... reminds me of that
game where you do the plots of films backwards, e.g. The Brig and Yates are
enjoying a post-shag pint in the cloven hoof, when suddenly the ruined
church spontaneously implodes, rebuilding itself. The Master is brought in
to the village by Unit, but promptly escapes to the church where Azal
materialises...
Azal is confused until Jo decides not to stop the Doctor being
revitalised. The Master, posing as a local vicar, is attempting to exorcise
the benevolent life-giving force of Azal. He knows that in the far future,
the Daemons will drain great knowledge from mankind. Prof Horner thaws out
and comes alive, and seals the inrushing force of Azal in the Barrow.
Now that's much better : D
Cardinal Zorak 17/2/01
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, it's Jamie MacBondin, undercover Highlander....
JAMIE: Well, McQ, what 'ave ye got fur me, then?
McQ: Well, lad, it's a wee knife.
JAMIE: What happens when I press the wee button at the end?
McQ: Nothin, ye daft bugger. It's a KNIFE.
JAMIE: Right, well, what about these pipes?
McQ: They're bagpipes, lad. Ye play 'em.
JAMIE: And summat about 'em knocks out y'r foes?
McQ: Aye--usually it's the tunes.
Jim McVowles 20/2/01
***
Terry