Quotes from rec.arts.drwho
The
February/March 1996 Quotefile.
It's true, it's here. The cream of rec.arts.drwho, the 1996 edition. For
an absolutely crammed, bobbins, totally comprehensive quote file, mail
me
and I'll send it along (it is HUGE).
For now though, here's what you busy people have been up to in 1996:
Uncle Halibut III
---
Richard Salter - etlrdsr@etlxdmx.ericsson.se - Not just another fishy
face
* I love clippings, sharp splinters and chewed off bits - I'm a
nail-phile *
The opinions expressed here are mine alone and Ericsson Ltd can't have
them.
-------------------------------------------------
What follows is a collection of 1996's best quotes from the newsgroup
rec.arts.drwho. This list will be updated periodically when I have
enough new
quotes to justify uploading it. If you spot any good quotes on the
newsgroup,
mail them to me at etlrdsr@etlxdmx.ericsson.se and I'll include them.
Please
include the AUTHOR, DATE and E-MAIL ADDRESS of the posting in your
submission.
------ ---- --------------
I can't guarantee I'll see every nomination posted to the newsgroup, so
please
mail it to me as well.
Thanks
Halibut
"Of course, if you had a quote file, you could look it up in the quote
file under quote file" ...
- Jason A. Miller, 31st May 1995 (doctor8@jhuvms.hcf.jhu.edu)
-------------------------------------------------
The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - 1996 edition
Compiled by Richard "Uncle Halibut" Salter and Christopher D. Heer
Ranging from: 31st January 1996 - 19th March 1996
Last updated: 22nd March 1996
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[NEW]
[On the subject of Adric's death, JoeyLemur says:]
> I never said that the Doctor would be going back to save him. I'm
just
> merely suggesting that he survived the crash... maybe the freighter
> explosion cause some kind of tear in the STC, sucking him through, or
> something...
Hmm... how about this for a plot hole - err, device :-) :
Adric is split into twelve segments scattered throughout time. Each
piece
leads its own, independent existence, totally unaware of the others, and
each is a complete moron. The segment which landed in the later half of
the 20th century is known as "Jeremy" :-)
-- Steve Leahy (Steve.Leahy@anu.edu.au), 31st January 1996
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[NEW]
Gregg T. Allinson wrote:
>> And now why would the Doctor go around dressed in Victoria outfits?:)
Andrew McCaffrey:
>It's a Secret.
Strong enough for a man. . . but made for a Time Lord.
-- Chris D. Heer (cheer@eskimo.com), 31st January 1996
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[NEW]
Subject: Re: MISSING PERSON ALERT
I seem to have misunderstood the purpose of this post. Can anyone
help? I'm looking for a pupil of Coal Hill School, who disappeared in
November. The police believe that two teachers, who have also gone
missing, may be linked to the disappearance in some way.
-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), 31st January 1996
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[NEW]
Grant Watson (nzone@iinet.net.au) wrote:
> marcus durham wrote:
> >K9 is a pile of crap. :) :) :) :) :)
> I second this motion. >:-)
I turd it.
-- Andrew McCaffrey (fenric@clark.net), 31st January 1996
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[NEW]
Subject: The new telemovie.
Brett O'Callaghan (boc@lin.cbl.com.au) wrote:
> >With a British producer, writer, director, and star, yeah, I can
> >see how you'd think that.
> Q: What is its primary market?
Oh, of *course*! It doesn't matter what the producer, writer, director
and star do, as soon as an American views it, the celluoid will twist in
upon itself and reform from a startlingly good peice of drama to a 3.5
hour long advertisement for U.S. Savings Bonds.
Andrew McCaffrey (fenric@clark.net), 1st February 1996
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[NEW]
Dave the Dave wrote:
>
>Canada's Head of State is Queen Elizabeth II of Canada, God Save the
Queen.
>
>USA's Head of State is a disciple of Satan, and so are ALL presidents
>which are heads of states!
I nominate David Yadallee for President of rec.arts.drwho.
-- E. Larry Lidz (ellidz@midway.uchicago.edu), 1st February 1996
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[NEW]
Date: 1 Feb 1996 16:17:47 GMT
From: Peter Anghelides
Newgroups: rec.arts.drwho
Subject: Re: Katy Manning pic...yes THAT pic.....
alden@bates.wn.planet.gen.nz (Alden Bates) writes:
>Ian McIntire (imm@pop.cwru.edu) writes:
>>It's a little known fact that Mr. Bates was actually the Dalek that
Ms.
>>Manning posed with. The photographer originally asked Alden to appear
>>naked as well, but cooler heads prevailed. Thankfully.
>Well, I _could_ have appeared naked, however you wouldn't have seen
>much past the Dalek shell... Besides, they weren't paying me
>enough as it is.
>
>Alden Bates. (Who was aged 4 at the time.)
So, not Mr Bates after all but, more appropriately, Master Bates.
-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), 1st February 1996
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[NEW]
I wonder if all Time Lords have fun little monikers, like net aliases:
Theta Sigma - The Doctor (probably really called The Tasigmer)
Jehosephat - The Master
Mortimus - The Meddler
Rassilon - The Goner
Borusa - The Nutter
Drax - The Burglar
Lee Cornes - The Trickster
Braxiatel - The Librarian
Flavia - The Boss
B.O.S.S. - The Computer
Runcible - The Spoon
Cornell - The Writer
Gillatt* - The Editor
(That's enough Time Lords - Ed.)
I got stuck on a real name for The Rani. Cross-series TV punsters
among you might like to debate whether "Jackie Collins" or "Gay
Search" would be more appropriate?
* A deeply wonderful and warm human being, and a bright and discerning
young talent in the world of publishing, in case I haven't mentioned
it in
previous postings.
-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), 1st February 1996
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[NEW]
Greg T. Allinson wrote:
>Subject: Re: What's UNIT?
>Organization: WorldWide Access - Chicago Area Internet Services
>++)2 u#B+Toe=e1#x0No++a *ci / aA+. a#+T+rI#n##++# u+H+*
>/ng##uK# | a+n+*oo"' +#~=++++ Just to be a pain, we are changing the picture in the paperback of
> COMPANIONS for a different (and better quality) shot from the session.
> Still Katy and a Dalek, though.
INT INFERNO DRILLHEAD AFTERNOON
SIR KEITH and STAHLMAN study read-outs from the main computer. The
read-out clock says 72:43:09. Various TECHNICIANS in suits, ties, and
white lab coats putter in the background.
SIR KEITH
But... but it can't be!
STAHLMAN
I agree! That is totally impossible.
SIR KEITH
I simply don't understand. How could
the drill-head simply stop drilling?
STAHLMAN
Why has drilling stopped? What has happened
to my project??
VORUS enters the control room.
VORUS
My Skystriker! My glory!
VORUS dies. All APPLAUSE. Then, THE DOCTOR enters the room and
examines the computer readout.
THE DOCTOR
Great jumping jehosephat!! Gentlemen,
*that* is why drilling has stopped. You
have finally reached the bottom of
the barrel.
-- Jason A. Miller (JMILLER6@uoft02.utoledo.edu), 5th February
1996
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[NEW]
Nick Eden (nick@pheasnt.demon.co.uk) wrote:
: Death, and I seem, to remember lots of Frenchmen in the Hartnell
: historicals. Don't know if any kisses were exchanged, but Frenchmen do
: that sort of thing you know...
Yeah, them froggies. Only one thing on their minds...
-- Jean-Marc Lofficier (rjmlof@haven.ios.com), 11th February
1996
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[NEW]
[More on that new telemovie:]
Mark wrote:
>Will the movie actually appear on TV or will it be direct to video?
No. Even if you buy it on video it won't be allowed to appear on your TV
set. Sorry.
>Somehow I fear the new movie has a fairly high suck potential. I'm not
>sure why I think so, its just a gut feeling.
Oh, that's just the final, poetic scene, which involves the Doctor, his
tongue, Grace and her face.
*Very* high suck potential :-)
-- Robert Smith? (g9526329@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA), 22nd
February 1996
[Editor's note: the question mark is intentional (-:]
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[NEW]
Date: Fri, 23 Feb 96 01:59:00 -0500
From: Jack Beven
Newgroups: rec.arts.drwho
Subject: Re: Which NAs and MAs should I buy?
Harry Rags wrote on the subject of NAs:
> The five to avoid are..
> 1: Set-Piece
> 2: The Left Handed Hummingbird
>
To which Jen said:
> Jon, do something to this person...
Jon replied:
>Well, I could stick my fingers in my ears and make
"wibble-wibble-wibble"
>noises at him, but that might be treating him a bit too seriously,
don't
>you think?
>
>Regards,
>Kate's Champion
[And then:]
Well, Jen and Jon, I think I can come up with something to do with him
that
wouldn't be treating him too seriously. Which of the following would you
like
to see:
Would you like to him: Lasered?
Phasered?
Masered?
or X-Raysered?
Would you like to see him shot with: A .44 Magnum?
A Meson gun?
A Neutron Blaster?
A Dalek Gun?
The Special Weapons' Dalek Gun?
or the Demat Gun?
Would you like him to be eaten by: The Blob?
The Creeping Terror?
The Skarasen?
A Drashig?
Gamera?
or Godzilla?
Would you like to see him thrown into: A multiple-vortex tornado?
A hurricane?
An active volcano's crater?
A CVE?
or a Black Hole!
Would you like to see him: Blown up with Nitro-9?
Captured by the Shadows?
Captured by the Sontarans?
Kidnapped and forced to work for Fu Manchu?
Kidnapped and forced to work for Dr.
Forrester?
Forced to read the Pit over and over?
Forced to watch ST:VOY "Threshold" over and
over?
Or be written into one of Kate's books?
[Insert lots of similies at this point for the humor- and
sarcasm-impaired!]
-- Jack Beven (jbeven@delphi.com), 23rd February 1996
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[NEW]
korman@laurel.ocs.mq.edu.au (Kate Orman) wrote:
> Argh, no, I don't like the wig at all - but I've only seen that one
> photo, it might look quite different in real life. It's a shame Paul
McG
> is virtually hairless at the mo, his own hair looks tres nice.
His hair doesn't look at all like my nice. And I'm very offended that
you
would refer to my nice in a public posting. I only showed it to you on
the
understanding that it was a private moment between the two of us!
Tre.
some heroine-worship will come back and haunt you when you least expect
it guy.
-- Tre Hellman (tre@quake.net), 26th February 1996
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[NEW]
Gregt T. Allinson said:
> Ohhh.............Robert................I feel ill...............
>
> Wheezie! Wheezie! I think this the big one, Wheezie!:)
B Stone (b-stone@ux7.cso.uiuc.edu) replied:
>As funny as that was, Gregg, you have just quoted THE JEFFERSONS in
>rec.arts.drwho. The instability caused by this threatens the very
>backbone of the universe, so please attend carefully, as the message
that
>follows is vital to the surivival of you all.
>
>The only way to restore the balance is to:
>
>A) Post a glowing, in-depth review of THE PIT
>B) Spend an entire night with a drunk David Yadalee
>C) Watch THE TWIN DILEMNA until your eyes bleed
Don't worry, Gregg. We here at Case Western Reserve University have
noticed the prevalence of quotes like yours and realized that the
newsgroup had long since passed the point of natural silliness death.
Using our mathematical prowess, we have opened up massive crossposts in
an attempt to bleed off the excess silliness. While these crossposts
are huge navigational hazards, they are necessary for the continued
existance of the newsgroup. Without them, the entire internet would
descend into entropy and silliness.
Ian "Very Special Bracelet" McIntire
-- Ian McIntyre (imm@po.cwru.edu), 26th February 1996
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[NEW]
Ken Mann wrote:
>Note that this story features Peter Sallis, who went on to star as the
>voice of Wallace in the "Wallace and Gromit" films, which were
>co-written by Bob Baker, half of the Baker and Martin writing duo.
>Coincidence?
I hope so - otherwise Nick Park might turn to other Doctor Who writers
to put words into Wallace and Gromit's mouths.
Pip and Jane Baker:-
WALLACE: "What - not even Wensleydale ? That most edifyingly aromatic
Terran lactic fermentation ? An abject travesty of gastronomic
discretion!"
Malcolm Hulke:-
WALLACE: "I realise I was wrong to banish you to the dog house, Gromit.
We humans must learn to share the planet with our sentient
animated canine friends, and live in peace together."
Paul Cornell:-
WALLACE AND GROMIT (IN UNISON) : "Good evening - we're plasticene".
-- Dave Owen (dro@dsbc.icl.co.uk), 27th February 1996
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[NEW]
Jean-Marc Lofficier (rjmlof@haven.ios.com) says...
>Seriously, I totally agree with you; it all depends how it's handled.
>As I said earlier, I hate(d) Kirk's cheap, tawdry and sexist romances
on
>Classic Trek, even at the time. (And that dates me.)
Jeez, Jean-Marc, that's the third message I've read today from you
mentioning something that dates you. Does Randy know? And how can you
then criticise Kirk's tawdry relationships?
Then again, the rules are different in France, I think. . .
-- Chris D. Heer (cheer@eskimo.com), 27th February 1996
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[NEW]
[How was that TARDIS materialisation sounds made?]
EDP95NLO writes:
>Off the top of my head as opposed to scrapping a key down a door it was
>actually scrapped along the strings in an old (or possibly not so old)
>piano in the BBC radiophonic workshop and then "fiddled with" I
>believe Brian Hodgson is credited with this if my memory of In Vision
>magazine serves correctly, it is in fact (from Tom Baker onwards)
>listed as music not sound effects in the production credits
(NOISIV*NI ,rotide remroF)
sedilehgnA reteP
.sdrawkcab ti yalp neht dna eriw
eht gnola deggard yek eht drocer ot deen uoy ,tceffe reporp
eht teg ot tuB .yekhctal dna eriw onaip rof eceip lacisum a s'ti ,seY
-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), 28th February
1996
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[NEW]
nick@smale.demon.co.uk (Nick Smale) wrote:
> McCoy claims that once, when [Eric Roberts] noticed a slight blemish
on
> the floor of his limo, he ordered the carpets to be replaced before he
would
> be driven to the filming.
You know, when I read this, I thought it meant Sylvester saw something
truly
frightening/disgusting on his lino, courtesy of Eric, and wondered just
what
it would have to be to get such a reaction!
A chocolate-covered handcuff?
-- David J Richardson (borad@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au), 14th March
1996
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[NEW]
Subject: Re: Terrance Dicks. Is he a bit shit?
David Robinson (navaz@geko.net.au) wrote:
: His writing style is about good enough to make anyone think that the
: lemmings have the right idea. It is no better (and sometimes worse)
than
: the writing of the original 'novelisation' of the TV Who - with the
: exception of Rememberance - it hasn't grown, adapted, changed, while
: every other aspect of what Doctor Who now is has.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Me not could put it have any better. Me rite good too.
:-)
-- Jean-Marc Lofficier (rjmlof@haven.ios.com), 15th March 1996
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[NEW]
[On the subject of too much Anghelides in this very file:]
Howzabout we just set up a bot which funnels every post from Anghelides
into
his own quote file? It can become the seventh part of the monthly FAQ.
Underground cults will spring up around it, leading to the development
of
thriving Anghelidetheistic civilizations. Everyone will laugh and cavort
all
the day long.
Soon, nominating anyone other than Peter for the quote file will be
against
the law. Hordes of pasty-faced women with day-glo guns will spring up to
ensure compliance. Everyone will be *forced* to read Anghelides' posts
and
they *will* laugh and be merry and ANGHELIDINESS WILL PREVAIL! DEATH TO
KILLJOYS!
"I'm glad you're Anghelides!" "I'm Anghelides you're glad!"
-- Brian Ghoti (ghoti42@ix.netcom.com), 15th March 1996
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[NEW]
Subject: A not-so-serious review of Shakedown...
Announcing
DICKS-O-MATIC (tm) 1.0
for Macintosh, OS/2 and Windows
CHRONIC HYSTERESIS Software is proud to announce the latest addition to
their increasing range of automated authoring tools; DICKS-O-MATIC(tm)
1.0. Through the use of state-of-the-art artificial intelligence
research,
DICKS-O-MATIC(tm) allows even the most talentless hack to produce a New
or
Missing Adventure in the time-honoured style of the grand master of
Doctor
Who fiction, Mr Terrance Dicks.
DICKS-O-MATIC(tm) comes complete with the following built-in features:
1) StereoTyper(tm) - Utilising the latest results from cutting-edge
cinemedia research, StereoTyper(tm) automatically generates all those
two-dimensional background and supporting characters needed to flesh out
your novel. Insectoid Academics and Intelligent Ogrons are numbered
amongst its specialties.
2) AutoBond - Automatically selects several main characters and throws
them into a fast-paced, action-packed, thinly-plotted preface with
little
or no relevance to the main storyline.
3) The Lazarus Suite - Has your favourite Sontaran warrior died a less
than heroic death? Did your Rutan protagonist get itself killed at an
less
than opportune moment in the storyline? Never fear; the Lazarus Suite's
patented Anatomical Revivifier(tm) can suggest thousands of equally
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characters survive until you can kill them properly.
4) PlotWeaver - You'll be amazed at how quickly PlotWeaver can stitch
together a storyline from its MultiUse(tm) plot-element database. You'll
be astounded at the number of times the same plot device can be recycled
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5) Character Avoidance - Need to endure one of your characters never
meets
the Doctor, because it would demand the use of funny in-jokes?
DICKS-O-MATIC(tm)'s character avoidance feature simplifies the process.
Now you need never worry if your character's physical appearance is
startling similar to one of the Doctor's previous acquaintances...
6) DroppedStitch - One of the more advanced features of
DICKS-O-MATIC(tm),
DroppedStitch interfaces with StereoTyper(tm) and PlotWeaver to ensure
your novel contains one of those staples of Dicks' style, the vanishing
character. DroppedStitch will provide your character with personality,
motivation, and drive, before ensuring they inexplicably vanish from the
novel around the half-way mark. Great for generating all those pesky
Sontaran Generals and other author's mouthpieces.
7) PatchWork - Got an old video script lying around you want to recycle
into your novel's storyline? The PatchWork module shows you how, guiding
you through the process of stitching two separate storylines together on
the flimsiest of pretexts. Automatic interfacing with PlotWeaver and The
Lazarus Suite ensures the important characters survive any nasty
accidents
that might befall them.
8) PlotHoler - based upon the premise expressed in Steve Leahy's .sig
("Plot hole, n: A device which allows an author to avoid the difficult
task of writing coherently..."), PlotHoler ensures that the task of
writing coherently never befalls the author. The Ben Aaronovitch version
("Plot hole, n: A fissure created by your deadline arriving before
Chapter Three") is also available as a plug-in.
9) EasyReader - Removes all those long, complicated words and phrases
from
your finished novel, ensuring the style is consistent with that used in
Dicks' novelizations of televised Doctor Who stories.
Here at CHRONIC HYSTERESIS we think DICKS-O-MATIC(tm) is the greatest
thing since sliced bread, but we don't just expect you to take our word
for it. Included in the DICKS-O-MATIC(tm) package is a copy of the New
Adventure _Shakedown_, which was produced entirely by DICKS-O-MATIC(tm)
1.0.
Here are some totally unsolicited comments from established NA and MA
authors:
"If only I'd had DICKS-O-MATIC(tm) when I was writing _The Hole_; it
mightn't have been such a disaster." - N. Biroswick.
"DICKS-O-MATIC(tm) certainly assisted in the writing of _Realm of
Silica_." - A. Track.
"I'm getting tired of actually writing my own books; when is
ORMAN-O-MATIC
being released?" - K. Andwoman.
And from our competitors:
"Microfloppy Dicks96 is due out before the year 2000." - W. Doors.
-- Steve Leahy (Steve.Leahy@anu.edu.au), 19th March 1996
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