Welcome everyone to the latest Quote File. The Quote File is basically the "best and brightest" of rec.arts.drwho - that is, the funniest quotes to appear in the newsgroup as nominated by you. To that end, if you see a quote you think derserves an entry in the Quote File, just mail me at radwquotefile@geocities.com and include the attributions and the quote in full.
Disclaimer: The copyright of all material contained herein remains with the original poster. No attempt is made to supercede any copyright and the Quote File maintains its impartiality under Fair Use for purposes of Comment or Review.
Random would like to point out here that all graphics are the copyright Jason and that the HTML was done by Random Companion but the quotes have all be compiled by Robert Smith?
On with the quotes!
[Subject: Re: Worst Cliffhanger Resolutions]
Daniel Frankham danielf@merlin.net.au
The Time Warrior episode 2. At the end of episode 1, Lynx takes his helmet off. This is resolved at the start of episode 2, when he puts his helmet back on. It looks very strange in the movie version.
Keith Topping keith@tooon.demon.co.uk
Funnily enough, I was in London in the summer of 1979; I don't seem to remember a Cyberman invasion happening. Maybe I was asleep that week?
Daniel Frankham danielf@merlin.net.au 15/3/97
Wasn't the Invasion supposed to be worldwide? Well, I certainly didn't notice anything. I remember the day it was supposed to occur (gleaned from the series by a detailed analysis of calendars, license plates and the dates on people's digital watches, enhanced by the FBI's patent something-from-nothing image-enhancement software, as featured in The X-Files) and nothing much happened at all. I just switched my trannie on - it was playing Fleetwood Mac's "Rhaiannon", IIRC - and I lay back and went to sleep, dreaming of Stevie Nicks in lace. (I was a fairly advanced 7-year-old). A couple of hours later I woke up, and nothing had happened. Though there was a terrible smell, ISTR... Oh yeah, some wanker had taken the manhole covers off the sewers. Damn kids.
Daniel Frankham danielf@merlin.net.au
It has several hundred bastards, about 300 f*cks, too many shits to count, and about 6 c*nts.
Keith Topping keith@tooon.demon.co.uk 15/3/97
So, that's radw described in one sentence, now how about the novel?
Daniel Ben-Zvi israel@bridge.net
Which of the past companions would you like to see the Doctor visit, and at what point in life?
Distant Dave dave@faraway.demon.co.uk 18/3/97
ADRIC would be fun. The plot certainly lends itself to merchandising. "The Adric Jigsaw......"
Roper woodhamsb@parliament.uk
BTW, what incentives does Auntie offer for the return of lost clips? A big "Thank you" and a kiss on the cheek? A tape of other hard to come by clips would be a suitable (and inexpensive) reward.
Jason Miller jmiller6@uoft02.utoledo.edu 19/3/97
Not a comment on you personally, but I've been looking for an appropriate post in which to insert this, and your's was the unfortunate first to come along ;)
Don't these requests remind anyone of Sam Seeley in "Spearhead From Space"? Some shaggy little man with an unintelligible accent wanders up to Threatening Military Officers, brandishing vague hints about the location of hidden, top-secret, super-valuable items. He's treated with no respect, and threatened with all sorts of punishment. A few minutes later, Steve Phillips and Steve Roberts, all dressed up in thick plastic and navy blue jumpsuits, burst into his little cottage and start tearing the place up in search of missing clips...
[Subject: Re: To mystify or demystify ?]
Eva Jacobus ejacobus@hannay.mit.edu 20/3/97
"Or"?
John Peel jpeel@newshost.li.net
Jon, give it up. You've lost this discussion a long time ago. For once, just admit it and go on with your life. (Marriage, incidentally, being one of the best ways of doing so.)
Mark Blunden markdb@netcomuk.co.uk 20/3/97
Sorry, John, I think he's spoken for. :)
[Subject: Re: Did Davros have a mother???
Peter Anghelides topsham@ibm.net 20/3/97
The answer is clearly "yes", since only she could love him. "And did I warn you not to go messing about with the chemistry set, Davros? Did I? Did I? Stop fiddling with your controls, and look at me when I'm talking to you? Did I? When couldn't you be a nice boy, like your brother Ravon? Eh? Eh? I don't know where I went wrong with you, Davros, I really don't. You couldn't just play properly with those nice young blond lads across the planet, could you? Noooo, you had to gang up with your black-clad neo-Nazi pals, stopping up half the night with your rallies and your funny walks and your now-you-see-it now-you-don't iron crosses. Where-did-I-go-wrong? How-can-you-break-my-heart-like-this?"
Thus you can also see where the Dalek voice came from.
Keith Topping keith@tooon.demon.co.uk
We were told 'prick', 'dick' and (bizarrely) 'bugger' (a pretty harmless word in the UK despite it's anal connotations) were *all* out (which was a pity as the removal of 'dick' not only screwed up a pretty good joke, but also led to a hilariously inadequate replacement being put in by the copy editor.
Roper woodhamsb@parliament.uk
Well, if you fine folks'll give the precise details, we can go through our copies with a bottle of Tipp-Ex and a pen. Hours of fun.
Keith Topping keith@tooon.demon.co.uk 21/3/97
Right; Page 1, Line 2, replace "Brigadier" with "you F***king Tossp*t"
Line 3, replace "'yes' replied Captain Yates" with "'Stick it up my anus and twist it' said Captain Yates'"
Line 4, replace "you rotter" with "you Tw*t"
Line 5...
err look, this could take a bit of time - to be continued...
KKOLE kkole@aol.com
p. 187 Hith. I know this, I just don't know what I know about this. Where or what do I know this form?
Steve Brown stb@newrichmond.wi.frontiercom.net 23/3/97
The Hith were the persecuted alien race in Original Sin. They had those really cool names like In Pain And Dying Of Genital Warts and other long names to fill up page space.
Gayle Amiott gamiott@harborcom.net
Ah well. As long as "Dying Days" doesn't feature man-eating blacmanges from the planet Skyron in the galaxy of Andromeda, I guess we'll be okay.
Lance Parkin ljparkin@aol.com 24/3/97
Oh no, I don't concern myself with trifles.
Peter Anghelides topsham@ibm.net
ObWho: Which Doctor Who companions, apart from Zoe, would have wanted to take part in a Karkus newsgroup?
Jean-Marc Lofficier rjmlof@idt.net
Let's start one. In KARKUS #42, who is stronger, Leep or Mulb?
[Subject: Re: Curse of Fenric - tosh!]
Rico Augood [Attribute lost] 26/3/97
Rico, he say:
Donald - Tosh!
Gulliver angus@spuddy.mew.co.uk
There's no doubt that even the BBC cannot kill the shows enduring popularity.
Craig A. Reed Jr Trboturtle@aol.com 29/3/97
Well that hasn't stop them trying, at any rate........
The TARDIS lands on a desolate planet. The wind is blowing, and there's no sign of life. This bleak landscape is broken only by a rock, a few metres from the TARDIS, and a long-dead tree stump in the distance. The 1st Doctor steps out, walks to the rock, and sits on it. He stares forlornly at the tree stump. Ian exits the TARDIS.
IAN: Doctor, what are we doing here?
DOCTOR: Waiting for Godot.
IAN: For God, eh?
DOCTOR: Hmmm?
Barbara steps out.
BARBARA: Ian, what's happening? Why have we stopped here?
IAN: He says he's waiting for God.
BARBARA: Waiting for God?!
DOCTOR: No, Chesapeake, I'm waiting for Godot! Godot!
BARBARA: Oh?
IAN: Waiting for Godot, eh?
BARBARA: Who's Godot?
IAN: God knows.
Susan appears.
SUSAN: What's going on?
BARBARA: We're waiting for Godot.
SUSAN: Godot?
IAN: Godot.
SUSAN: Oh. Godot.
DOCTOR: I'm starting to think he might not come.
Dum diddley dum diddley dum dum....
[Subject: Re: What if: Dr Suess had writter for Who?]
Lance Hall chall1@usa.pipeline.com 30/3/97
Who's on Saturday
One day, one fantastic, dramastic, somnabulastic day
A twelve lived man, with gray hair and not much of a tan
Told his planet to crammit, dammit, and scrammed it from Gallifrey...
To his elation he'd made preporation for transcental, trans-universal transportation
It's shape was a box, with four sides and a top, and it gave him the gift of time/space teleportation...
He travelled near, he travelled far, he travelled without the use of a car
He popped, and stopped, shopped, and flopped, mopped and glopped and he only needed one thing for this.
It wasn't a plane, a boat or a cane, but a stolen Type Forty TARDIS
Time was his highway, his Sinatra's "My Way"
He had a sly way, a unigue and a kind way of defeating the foe the day after Friday
We can all sleep tight, all through the night in spite of our fright,
even if our pajamas are quite too tight, for try as they might when they put up a fight, the baddies are spite to our delight, for Who is on Saturday night.
D R Blythe [Attribute lost]
Time Lords don't have sects. Their babies are found under gooseberry-bushes. (Or on looms, if you prefer.)
Mr Clueless walander@ozemail.com.au 30/3/97
(Dan looks around, stunned, as applause breaks out all over RADW)
Dan: W-w-what's - what's going on?
(Max Quoordlepleen suddenly appears beside him, carrying an assortment of objects, including a trophy)
Max: Congratulations, Dan, you've managed to be the one millionth poster to make that joke!
(Cheering)
Dan: Er...
Max: That means that you win all these fabulous prizes from our sponsors, Master(R)Money(tm)! Yes, not only do you get the satisfaction of becoming famous, but you also get this trophy!
(Max hands Dan a block of blue wood with a teaspoon stuck to it)
Max: Yes, the world famous Sgloomi Po award for The Thousandth Telling!
Dan: Er, thanks...
Max: But that's not all! We also have an Adric here for you! (Hands Dan a huge urn, roughly large enough to hold a lot of dust found in Mexico)
Dan: Yeah, wow, can I go n-
Max: And most importantly of all...
(Max pulls out a copy of Timelash and twunks Dan with it)
As you know, tax regulations require professional authors to come up with a new word every year. It has to be a word that people will use and find useful - usually everyday things which don't have a handy name, like the thing that slides down over a cash machine, the 'back of the knee', or the vague sense that there must be something better on another channel than 'The Bill', even though you've checked.
Now, there are a number of useful words that haven't yet been coined. I could really do with one that means 'yes, albeit it with some reservations' - the best I've done so far on that one is 'moo'. ('Did you like Happy Endings?' 'Moo').
This other word has a more specific application: it's bound to come in handy on any internet or fanzine discussion of a TV show.
It's good this one, and I'll explain the derivation if anyone needs it explaining. It's a verb.
To harlan - 'to continue to argue about something long after anyone else is interested; to basically be in the right, but not about anything that matters; to take part in an argument long after the original question has ceased to be of any importance, and the argument somehow seems more important.'
So, for example -
'Lance, are you still harlaning on about the pre-Hartnell Doctors?'
'The Remembrance thread is over bar the harlaning'
'A few posters harlaned a bit, but the consensus is that ... '
'Some fan magazines still harlan about JNT's producership'
Glad to be of service.
Peter Goddard peterg@strodes.ac.uk
An umbrella has multiple uses apart from sheltering a person from the rain. It can protect you from acid jets on Dulkis, you can hook it round a sword and threaten to decapitate someone or if it all gets too much you can use it to slide down to your death on iceworld.
Yes an extremely multi-functional tool for the galactic traveller ranking close to the towel for sheer usefulness.
Mark Blunden markdb@netcomuk.co.uk
Indeed, and of course if you are carrying an umbrella, fellow travellers will assume you also have a full array of other survival gear such as sonic screwdriver, long multicoloured scarf, cricket ball, remote stellar manipulator, flute and jelly babies, and will gladly lend you any of these things if you happen to be without them. :)
Lori Grenci lorigrenci@aol.com
The Doctor can't fly like Superman...
Robert Smith? smithrj2@mcmail.cis.mcmaster.ca
How *did* he get to the ground so quickly then?
Keith Topping keith@tooon.demon.co.uk 1/4/97
There's a really quick way demonstrated in 'Logopolis'...
Jean-Marc Lofficier rjmlof@idt.net
I've been kind of arguing that we have now two divergent continuities (LUNGBARROW -- which I don't "buy" -- (snip))
Daniel Ben-Zvi israel@bridge.net
Okay, so here's the $64,000 question: Why exactly don't you "buy" Lungbarrow?
Michael John Montoure montoure@serv.net 2/4/97
If it costs $64,000, I can't say as I blame him ....
[Subject: Re: Dr. Who Comics]
A. Nelsen rassilon@u.washington.edu
I was wondering if anyone here knew what they were going for?
Christopher D. Heer [Spam protected email address]
Other sexy, intelligent, attractive comics, I should think.
Robert Smith? smithrj2@mcmail.cis.mcmaster.ca 3/4/97
Please add me to your list.
- Robert@aol.com
Christopher D. Heer [Spam protected email address]
Ancient Greek for "lighthouse."
Ian McIntire imm@cwru.edu
I thought it meant "This bath is too hot."
Jason Miller jmiller6@uoft02.utoledo.edu 3/4/97
Occam now, Doctor. We surpassed such little tricks when the Universe was less than half its present size.
-John A. Franklin-Robbins
"some time lord guy"
Alden Bates abates@wn.planet.gen.nz
Oh, I might as well throw in a question: You are faced with a Dalek and are armed with a rubber band, a tube of glue, five pounds (whatever unit) of sliced cabbage and an unspecified quantity of marbles. How do you defeat the Dalek?
Mark Blunden markdb@netcomuk.co.uk 4/4/97
Oh, so *you've* got them! I lost those shortly after joining radw.
Geoff Weasel geoffw@iquest.net
I don't know about any of the rest of you, but it's all DOCTOR WHO to me....
Robert Smith? smithrj2@mcmail.cis.mcmaster.ca 4/4/97
Green gunk, yard of junk,
Even if it's Cyberpunk,
It's still Doctor Who to me.
Everybody's talking bout a new kind of canon
But it's still Doctor Who to me.
Kate Orman korman@laurel.ocs.mq.edu.au 6/4/97
What, one which allows for his weakness and strengths? :-)
Eva Jacobus ejacobus@hannay.mit.edu 7/4/97
The Cartmel Master Plan? Dear God, knowing his plan for the Doctor, I can only speculate as to his plan for the Master...
[Subject: Re: Timelash question]
Jeri Massi jeriwho@pipeline.com
Does it ever end? No, sorry, just kidding. Here's the real question:
I noticed that several times in the story, the characters make reference back to the Third Doctor and Jo Grant. Which story are they referring back to?
Mr Clueless walander@ozemail.com.au
*None*, thanks be. And if anybody ever considers writing it, may the gods of Ragnarok have very little mercy on your soul. :)
Glenn Langford langas@wr.com.au 9/4/97
Picture a man sitting in front of a typewriter - his back bent, his shoulders hunched. His eyes glance furtively up at the three stone-like figures in front of him. He types quickly, for he knows that this will probably be his last story. What he doesn't know is that he is part of another, larger story. A story written -
- in the Twilight Zone...
[Subject: Re: Sex and the Dr.]
Ken Carriere kcarriere@msn.com
Because, for 26 years, he didn't. And it's too late to start now, IMHO.
Kate Orman korman@laurel.ocs.mq.edu.au 11/4/97
By a strange coincidence, I can vouch for the fact that this isn't true.
Chris Krisocki? chrisk@webtv.net
I've just rewatched the beginning of The War Machines and have noticed something quite interesting: take a close look at the car to the left of where the TARDIS materializes, I believe it's a Volkswagen Beetle, and you'll see someone either getting out of it or standing by it - it's difficult to tell, the print has so little contrast. When the TARDIS materializes, the person simply disappears! Am I the first person to spot this? Where's Daniel O'Malley when you need him?
Paul Ripley [Attribute lost]
You're absolutely right. It appears to be a man getting out of the car and as the TARDIS fades in, he fades out.
Daniel Frankham danielf@merlin.net.au 11/4/97
Hitherto unknown unfortunate side-effects of the TARDIS, 1:
SAVAGE: Mr Taylor, sir, the strangest thing just happened!
STEVEN: Really? What was it?
SAVAGE: A man just appeared out of thin air! He appeared in the very same spot where your friends left in that strange blue machine!
MAN: I say, what's going on? Where's my car? Is this Cromer?
[Subject: Harlan Ellison]
Brian West briest@mail.globalnet.co.uk
So what! Apart from allegedly writing some shitty Star Trek script whats he ever done?
Dave Stone dave@sgloomi.demon.co.uk 12/4/97
he done some books and stuff but I don know bout that cos I oly watch tv
dzien@nic.com 12/4/97
I'm not really sure about this one, but I would like to see William Hartnell as a Muppet.
Daniel Ben-Zvi israel@bridge.net
The fourth companion in question is Kamelion. He wasn't in very much but, IMO, he does count.
James Milton miltonjg@onaustralia.com.au
He wasn't in enough, in my opinion, and I've never really understood it. I'm aware of the problems they had working the robot, that it was almost impossible to include it in a scene, but Kamelion was a shape changer. Couldn't he have spent most of each episode as a human or human in a monster suit or whatever, with only occasional glimpses of the robot underneath when someone's control of his form faltered
Robert Smith? smithrj2@mcmail.cis.mcmaster.ca 12/4/97
He did. Of course, he didn't always call himself Kamelion. Usually he just called himself "the hatstand".
[Subject: Re: Hartnell and Yoda ....]
Zoinks23 zoinks23@aol.com
They talk the same, they make the same noises, they laugh at their own jokes (or for no reason at all). They are both older, wiser grandfather-type figures.
Hmmmmmmm......You be the judge.
Lance Parkin ljparkin@aol.com
Word order Hartnell mix up? Emphasised statement a question make? Prune wrinkled muppet Fozzie Hartnell is? Carry knobbly sticks do they? That is the problem.
Craig A. Reed Jr Trboturtle@aol.com
*Shakes head*
This thread has more staying power then a Cyberman on speed.........
Jason Miller jmiller6@uoft02.utoledo.edu
This brings whole new meaning to the concept of junior high school peer pressure.
Imagine, if you will, six different 14 year-old Cybermen, wearing their Cyber-Nikes and Cyber-baseball-caps, offering CyberWeed to poor innocent little Marvin Geekley out behind the school, before first period begins.
And Junior Cyberleader holds out the joint, and forces young Marvin to inhale... "Youuuuwillbeeeliiigguzzzz"
[Subject: Re: Hartnell and Yoda ....]
RxWho rxwho@aol.com"hmmmmmm-emmmmm-ueemmmm" -- Wm. Hartnell & Yoda
Kate Orman korman@laurel.ocs.mq.edu.au
It's *uncanny*, isn't it? :-)
Lance Parkin ljparkin@aol.com
Hartnell was green as well, of course. Back in the days of black and white all actors had to be painted green, or they wouldn't look right on TV. For 'The Three Doctors' he had to be painted a very odd red colour.
K. Michael Wilcox kmwilcox@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu
ObWho: What if, by some fluke, Peter Cushing had won Best Actor for the first film? How would the history of Who have changed?
Jon Blum jblum@Glue.umd.edu 14/4/97
Future location shooting would have become much more difficult -- the drop in Britain's mean temperature after hell froze over would limit the amount of time people could be outdoors, and the swarms of flying pigs overhead would have created additional problems...
[Subject: Re: Hartnell and Yoda ....]
Daniel Frankham danielf@merlin.net.au 14/4/97
So... maybe Susan wasn't his granddaughter... just his apprentice...
DOCTOR: Hmm, my dear, remind you I must, a Jedi does not scream at the first sign of danger. Learn control you must!
[...]
THE MASTER: Yes, Susan. *I* am your father! Examine your feelings. You know it to be true!
SUSAN: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
[...]
THE GHOST OF ALEC GUINNESS: She was our last hope.
THE DOCTOR: No. There is an Other.
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