Sorry it's so late.


Welcome everyone to the latest Quote File. The Quote File is basically all
the smartest, wittiest, most entertaining stuff collected off of
rec.arts.drwho, filtered by trained hands (they're bunking off this month,
so I'm doing it) and presented back to you in a sort of instant-nostalgia
recycling exercise curiously reminiscent of the Reader's Digest only more
enlightening. Essentially, it is the funniest quotes to appear in the
newsgroup as nominated by *you*. To that end, if you see a quote you think
deserves an entry in the Quote File, just mail Robert at

smithrj2@mcmail.cis.mcmaster.ca

or the handy-dandy

radwquotefile@geocities.com

and include the attributions and the quote in full.

Please don't be shy about nominating stuff directly to Robert via e-mail.
Saying 'quotefile!' in the newsgroup may just be a way to express how funny
you think a post is, but it's also highly likely that, due to the sheer
traffic of stuff round here, it won't find its due receptacle. Even if you
only think it's mildly funny, or if you think that nobody else might get the
joke, Robert would *much* rather have too much to choose from than too
little.

I've tried my best to get the dates and attributions right, but a few will
probably have wandered about of their own accord, so please don't get too
upset and be sure to mail Robert with any corrections for the web page(s).
(No, really, I'm sure loads of mine are completely screwed.)

Disclaimer: The copyright of all material contained herein remains with the
original poster. No attempt is made to supercede any copyright and the Quote
File maintains its impartiality under Fair Use for purposes of Comment or
Review.

The quotefile is updated monthly (usually midmonth, although it varies
depending on the schedule) and past and present quotefiles can be found at:

http://geocities.datacellar.net/Area51/Corridor/1161/

On with the quotes!

------------------------------------------------------------------

> "Rufus T. Firefly"  wrote in message
> news:HFwG5.110484$4d.15694110@news02.optonline.net...
> >
> > Nonono!!
> >
> > Even better!
> >
> > Give Target back the rights, and print all Doctor Who books in large
type,
> > using words on an 8-year-old reading level (but also 'capacious,') and
> make
> > them out of pre-yellowed paper for consistency's sake!
> >
> > Also, write some young English child's name in crayon on all the inside
> > front covers.

You've read The Eight Doctors then?

Gordon  17/10/2000

--------------------------------------------------------------

[Re:  Aging, or something]

ICS0MRM@leeds.nospoo.ac.uk (Matt Michael) wrote:

>"Jonn Elledge" wrote:
>>I'm now 20. I'm no longer a teenager, I'm a 20-something, albeit
>>a very new one.
>>It's all down hill from here, isn't it?
>
>I can't tell a lie: yes it is.  You've passed your sexual peak and are now
on
>the greasy slope down towards the grave.  I'm eighteen months older than
you
>are, so you can imagine how I feel...

Greasy and covered with fresh soil?

Meddling Mick  19/10/2000

-----------------------------------------------------------

The_Fannish_Inquisition@LordPrincePopeCardinalQueen.Snarky (LPPCQ Snarky)
wrote:

>I thought you wanted Arcs? Well, whatever -- I do. I love arcs, I just
>absolutely adore them....

So do I.  They're dead brill for surviving floods.

Alden Bates  21/10/2000

------------------------------------------------------------

[Re: Alternative Programme Guide - Serial 4X!]

Generic Usenet Insurance Claim Form #242

Claim filed by : Mr. Gordon Dempster, temporary leader of the alien
Voord since Yartek has the trots...

Claim filed against : Mr. Charles Daniels, proprietor of the Unauthorised
Programme Guide.

Claim details :

1 Monitor
1 Keyboard

 : both covered with Pepsi Max sprayed from Mr. Dempster's mouth while
reading the aforementioned guide.

1 Replacement hip

: broken after falling of chair while reading the aforementioned guide.

1 Cat

: severely flattened and bereaved of life after being landed on by Mr.
Dempster after falling off the aforementioned chair while reading the
aforementioned guide.

1 Psychiatric bill for 6,031,769 and a half Voord

: psychologically traumatised when their temporary leader hopped into a
Lodge meeting with the two-dimensional remains of the aforementioned cat
embedded in the back of his rubber suit.

Total claim value : A night alone with Peri, Nyssa, Tegan, a water bed, a
keg of baby oil and a large can of whipped cream.

Payment is due immediately, failure to pay will result in you being forced
to eat Adric's sweaty rubber pyjamas.

Yours wibblingly,

Bex Tarrant

Bureau Of Legitimately Legal Offensive Counsels Keeping Stuff

Hertz-Uranus

Gordon  24/10/2000

------------------------------------------------------------

[Re:  Bush or Gore?]

Guess Who wrote:

> Just a quick poll here: which of the following do you would you
> rather see in a new Doctor Who movie:
>
> a. sex and nudity?
> b. graphic violence?

The correct answer is: c) Ralph Nader.

Daniel O'Mahony  25/10/2000

------------------------------------------------------------------

[Re:  Again with the Arcs!]

Merlin The Time Traveller  wrote:
> Oh, I like arcs too, but they generally mean trouble.

Too true, too true. I was in a pub t'other day when this parabola came
through the door, obviously having had a few already, and started feeling up
this ellipse's girlfriend (a really cute hyperbola, if I may say so).

Well, pretty soon the bouncer (a hulking great B-spline) threw them out
into the street, still going at it. When we left the parabola was lying in
the gutter, slashed up until he was barely continuous, let along
differentiable.

Nothing but trouble, arcs.

Steven Kitson  29/10/2000

------------------------------------------------------------

>Jonathan Blum  wrote:
>> Until you know, why don't you spend lots and lots of time fighting it out
>> with the people who were just complaining about how Justin apparently
>> only wants to do standalones forever?  Because *everyone*'s arguing in a
>> vacuum here...
>

Wouldn't arguing in a vacuum make for a very short argument??

C. A. Reed Jr.  29/10/2000

------------------------------------------------------

[Re: Ace - and the lesbian subtext...]

On Tue, 31 Oct 2000 16:02:18 GMT, Merlin The Time Traveller
 wrote:
>
>Typical humans. Always seeing homosexual subtexts in things that aren't
>there.
>
Oh come on.  Didn't you ever see the way K9 looked at the Doomsday
computer in Armegeddon Factor?  K9 and that computer were alone and off
camera for quite a while in those episodes.   You can't tell me
that the conflict between the Captain's mechanical bird in Pirate
Planet and K9 was anything other than a release of pent up erotic
tention.

And what about the TARDIS?  K9 was always being left in the TARDIS.  Come
on....*nudge nudge, wink wink* you know he and the TARDIS must have got up
to something there.  And what about The Doctor himself and K9?

I can't wait unitl we have a PDA that explores this.

Mr. E. Blackadder  31/10/2000

--------------------------------------------------------------

[Re:  Comics]

What I like about the comics is how I can just cobble together any number of
idiotic attempts at drama-enhancement (The Capitalised Things, deliberately
awkward insertion of words such as 'fear' and 'dread', etc), along with DW's
own silly technobabble and Colin-era
names with Zs and Xs in them, and no matter how ridiculous the result
gets, it always sounds exactly like the comic strip dialogue!

"Beware, Doctor!  Here, in the Omniversal Spectrum, we will finally
begin the Cleansing!"

"No, not the Cleansing!  I knew there was something suspicious going
on when the Soap of Disharmony and Loofa of Rassilon were stolen from that
alternate 18th-century London museum!  It was exactly the kind of thing the
Master always does..."

(cut to a brief scene of Izzy having an LSD trip where she's a cartoon
character, and she's riding Alpha Centauri)

"Hahahaha!!!  Yes!!!  Open for me, Omniversal Spectrum!  Bathe this
old Zatrexxian body of mine in your all-encompassing essences, so that
I may become a GOD!"

"No, I won't let you do this!"

"You cannot stop me, Doctor!  I have achieved the Elevation!!!!"

{HAHAHA, YES DOCTOR!  KNOW THAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU THE DREAD HIGH
ALL-DESTROYER GONORRHAX!  DORMANT FOR MILLENNIA, I AM FREE!!!  NOW!!!  NOW
YOU BEGIN TO FEAR!!!}

(Now here's a picture of the Doctor screaming in pain, with the
colours reversed.)

James  31/10/2000

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Merlin The Time Traveller  wrote:

>Leaving aside any comments or criticism of the editors of the books, if
>you were miraculously granted total control over the EDAs and the PDAs,
>what would you do?

1) I'd have a slight bias towards publishing PDAs featuring the first
four Doctors simply because it looks as though we're going to be hip-deep in
Sixth/Seventh Doctor adventures next year, and hardly any First or Second
Docs.  I'm not suggesting that the PDAs would ignore Docs 5-7 completely,
just lean slightly more towards the earlier Doctors and let BF have their
fun with the later ones.

2) A few more historicals/period pieces.  All this 'alien planet with
two opposing factions' stuff... yawn...

3) A complete and utter ban on Third Doctor PDAs that feature UNIT and the
Master in the *same* novel.  Christ, what a boring set up.  Can't
UNIT combat anyone *other* than the Master in the PDAs...?

4) Leave Gallifrey in its current state and not refer to it.

5) An arc featuring Faction Paradox, who totally fuck with the Second
Doctor's regeneration - totally screwing up 'tWG/SfS' *and* Season 6B
in one fell swoop, when the Doctor regenerates into someone with a
hand-drawn face.  And just as Mark Stevens's head is going all 'Scanners' on
us, the Krynoids would turn up and reveal that they'd
never been plants at all - they're actually fish in a cunning disguise.

Meddling Mick  31/10/2000

-------------------------------------------------------------------

On 31 Oct 2000 21:51:31 GMT, rayctate@aol.com (Rayctate) wrote:

>>Just curious if I'm reaching in picking up >this lesbian subtext, or if it
was
>a >conscious decision by the creators?
>
>You're reaching far into infinity.
>
>Whereas enough onscreen evidence has been given to suggest Xena and
Gabrielle
>are lovers, and certainly BUFFY SPOILER AHOY arat and Wolliw, Ace and the
rest
>of the female costars on the show are just bonding.  They're friends.

And if they occasionally poke each other in the arse with a 2'-long
black latex-clad phallus, well, what are friends for, hey?

James  01/11/2000

-----------------------------------------------------------------

[Re:  Favorite Authors, and that Boat Cruise I believe...]

> Who are your favorite authors ...

I was gonna say that my personal favourite would have to be *me* - but
then I had horrible visions of what I'd be like after seven nights on a
boat with a bar ...

Dave Stone  02/11/2000

------------------------------------------------------------

On 2 Nov 2000, Daniel O'Mahony wrote:

> Alzarian wrote:
>
> > True regenerations should be reserved for TV and Film
>
> Why film?

Its hard to do a glowing wibbly video effect in print.

Chris Rednour  02/11/2000

---------------------------------------------------------------

> In article ,
> "Andrew Brook"  said:
>
> >> the Ultimate Guide
> >> http://www.fortunecity.com/tatooine/forbidden/392/pindex.html
> >
> > Yesterday this crashed my computer. Today it doesn't exist. Oi,
> > what's going on?

Apparently when they say 'forbidden' they really mean it.

William December Starr  03/11/2000

------------------------------------------------------------------

> gordon wrote:
>
> > The Bampot wrote
> >
> > > >New Adventures are toilet paper.
> >
> > Just because you haven't gotten past the "See Yartek. Yartek is
> > swimming. See Yartek swim." stage of reading...

Then can I recommend Catastrophea?

"See the Doctor.  See the natives.  See the Draconians.  See the funny
Indian colonials.  Fight, natives!  Fight, Draconians!  Fight, colonials!"

Daniel Gooley  03/11/2000

------------------------------------------------------------

[Re: What would YOU do?]

Cameron Mason  wrote:
> M.H. Stevens  wrote in message
> news:3A011A09.E1EA988A@postoffice.swbell.net...
> > > > > < snip Mark hating Endgame >
> > > Change is bad, isn't it Mark?  You'd like if every book were a Target
> > > novelisation, tradder than Malcolm Hulke.  Change scares you...
> >
> > The line is a bit extreme but yes change does scare me most of the time.
>
> What's wrong with change?

Well, it's fiddly, isn't it? Especially since they shruck the 10ps and 5ps.
And it takes _ages_ to sort out the right amoung to pay for something, and
then the shop assistant finds you've miscounted and you feel really
embarassed. And it makes your wallet really big and heavy so you feel really
rich except you're not 'cause it's all 1ps and 2ps and then you go and buy
three 'Doctor Who' books and a CD and can't afford to eat for the rest of
the month.

That's what's wrong with change.

Steven Kitson  04/11/2000

-------------------------------------------------------------------

[Re: 37 years!]

Merlin The Time Traveller  wrote:
>   "Cameron Mason"  wrote:
> > M.H. Stevens  wrote in message
> > > A character who is the history of the show. Who has now lost his
> > > history.
> >
> > The history still exists.
> > Cameron
>
> Yes, 37 years worth of exciting history of the world's best, and
> longest running TV show ever that now suddenly isn't important and is
> apparently only holding the same series back.
> [and so on].

Yes, indeed. It was awful, you know, when Peter Davison turned into
Colin Baker and the BBC Thought Police came around to my house and poked
about in my tender young mind, erasing my memories of all the 'Doctor Who'
stories I'd seen because, as soon as something changes, it means that what
went before doesn't actually exist any more.

As I was only about seven, I fought this, because I didn't understand that
you're not allowed to enjoy; to watch; even to _remember_ past adventures if
something has changed since they were made. Of course, now I'm older and
understand how these things work, I realise that change is Bad, and stops us
from ever even thinking about anything that happened before. As I quite
liked the old stories, and I will of course be obliged to forget them if the
Doctor does, then the only option I can see is to fight change, with all my
body and soul.

Join me, brothers! We will storm Wood Lane, and with our makeshift
weapons we will make our way up, yea even unto the office of the great
Director General himself! And there, we shall demand that there never,
never again be any changes made to our precious Doctor!

Not all of us shall survive, comrades, I will not lie to you. The security
guards, though fat and lazy, are better armed than us; but they have not our
conviction, our strength of will. And that strengh, that will that we have
learn from our great Time Lord hero, shall carry us onwards until we reach
our goal. And those of you who fall, who give your lives in the glorious
battle, shall be remembered for ever by those who succeed; your names shall
be written in blood upon the wall of Television Centre.

Do not tremble, my comrades! Do not fear! For Victory awaits!

Onward!

Steven Kitson  04/11/2000

-------------------------------------------------------------

[Re: DW Video Sighting, Toronto]

  "Hetman"  wrote:
> Invasion of Time has arrived at Sam the Record Man in downtown TO.
Just
> $24.99.
>
> Cheers.

-Hello. I'd like to report a Doctor Who video sighting.

-Really?

-Yes. In Toronto. It swooped over my head, then it flew in a giant arc
from east to north. Then it hovered above me, flashing.

-It didn't happen to look like a glowing beer bottle did it? (sniggers,
makes drinky-drinky motion to colleague)

-No. It looked very much The Invasion of Time. It opened up and flapped
away.

-Sure it did (makes smoking motion with hand, rolls eyes, stupid grin,
snigger) Did it ask you to take it to your leader? (laughter)

-Are you making fun of me?

-Of course not, Mr Moron

-Hetman. I'm serious.

-So are we, Mr Loopy. So, did it probe you? (wild uncontrollable
laughter)

-*#@& you!

Later that day, Invasion of Time opened up and flattened downtown
Toronto with a gigantic video.

Merlin The Time Traveller  10/11/2000

----------------------------------------------------------

[Re:  Political Leaders]

Keith Brookes wrote:
> > How do you think various political leaders of today and yesteryear would
> > react to invasions?
>
> Tony Blair - "Well, we would stop the Dalek invasion, but Brussels has
> passed new legeslation stating that any attempt to do so would be
> obstructing the Dalek's human right to bloodthirsty conquest."

William Hague - "Well, of course, I was a Dalek killer in my early days...
I'd go out before I went into the pub for my 14 pints and my army of fans
and I'd slaughter Daleks..."

Da Cat Badge  11/11/2000

----------------------------------------------------------------

[Someone's misnamed Colony in Space.  Naughty naughty...]

John Long wrote in message <3A159A29.5176@epix.net>...
>Alden Bates wrote:
>>
>> During the mid-Pertwee era, the Master is shown to have pinched quite
>> a lot of Time Lord knowledge (presumibly from the Matrix, though it
>> hadn't been thought of yeat) which you can see in Colony of Death, The
>> Daemons, The Time Monster, etc.  It's likely he found out about the
>> Death Zone's traps from there.
>
>Colony of Death?  I haven't seen that one yet.

John: "I wanna see The Ambassadors Of Death."

Gilliam: "But I wanna see Colony In Space!"

John: "Ambassadors!"

Gilliam: "Colony!"

Dr. Who: "Why don't we do both?"

(slams down bottle of Tardis-Cola on the Time-Space-Visualizer)

(images of the Ambassadors and the Brigadier joining the battle with the
colonists and IMC, Jo Grant and Liz Shaw notice each is wearing the other's
outfit and screams)

Voiceover Guy: "Tardis-Cola. It's wild and wacky stuff."

Benjamin F. Elliott  18/11/2000

--------------------------------------------------------

>"Misha Lauenstein" wrote
>>   brianosullivan@my-deja.com wrote:
>> > I'm fed up reading about Doctor Who Busts.
>> > Give us more information on the Doctor Who Penis.
>> > I sent away for mine over six weeks ago and it still hasnt arrived.
>> > Doctor Who Penis where are you?
>> >
>>
>> And remember, each one has been lovingly hand-crafted in a pose that
>> evokes the character of the associated Doctor.

So we get a crotchety penis, a short scruffy penis, a dandy penis with a
shock of white hair, a bohemian penis with a mop of curls, a pleasant open
penis, an overweight penis, a dark scheming penis and a penis that last saw
any action one night four years ago?

Gavin Winters  19/11/2000

-----------------------------------------------------------

[News From The Future]

Using the new Time-Space Visualizer from Phillips Electronics, I have been
taking a sneak peak at Doctor Who related news from the upcoming 3rd
Millenium. A few things caught my eye ...

April 2001:
Karen McCoy circulates a plan to make a cartoon remake of Babylon 5, and
discovers that Doctor Who fandom is darned tolerant of pests compared to
most other realms of science fiction.

October 2005:
A group of 71 aliens known as "Companions" arrive on Earth, end all the
wars, and start sharing their technology. One of their diplomats - Da'an -
sues in court to get The Claws Of Axos banned from television, on the
grounds that it sprerads unfounded accusations about his Axon friends from
the Mutara Nebula. The case is thrown out of court. The judge is unavailable
for comment, as he has tragically exploded while showering. FBI Agent Ronald
Sandoval is investigating the case.

November 5, 2007:
A day of joy turns to tragedy at BBC Television Centre. 77 injured, 14
life-threateningly. 29 arrested. The event started out peacefully as a
whopping 50 missing Patrick Troughton episodes of Doctor Who, 74 missing
episodes of Z Cars, and 2 missing episodes of Dad's Army, were returned to
the BBC by collectors who had searched through their own and friends film
archives. While details remain sketchy at press time, early indicators are
that the crowd turned livid and screamed about false advertising when they
learned of a typo in the original advertisement that caused them to start
searching. Evidently the "o" in Lost was replaced by a "u" ...

March 2019:
Production of the Doctor Who TV series is halted for 18 months out of claims
that it is tired, and the director of BBC1 insists that the suspension will
be used to refresh the series. Jenny Grade insists that her Grandfather's
sentiments toward the show in the mid-80s have nothing to do with this.

November 23, 2063:
Doctor Who celebrates its Centennial. Tom Baker makes his first public
appearance in 10 years, ending speculation that his evil experiments into
time-repulsion had failed. As Tom threatens the leaders of Earth with death,
a Police Box appears in Russell Square to save the day.

June 1, 2164:
Scientists insist that the Dalek effort to poison the atmosphere failed,
even as millions of people fall dead every hour. In other news, the
Gore/Lieberman campaign is insisting on another recount in Florida,
confident that this recount will be enough to give them victory.

The machine committed suicide in horror upon seeing that last one. I wonder
if I can get it repaired under warranty.

Benjamin F. Elliott  24/11/2000

-----------------------------------------------------------------

[Re: TV Movie Question]

< < Truthfully, what was shown onscreen bore more resemblance to east
coast
cities, than west coast cities. They could have set the story in New
Jersey.  > >

True, but then you'd have the fate of Earth decided in a back alley in
Jersey-doesn't really sound right, does it?

Bokman7757  29/11/2000

---------------------------------------------------------------

John Long  wrote in message news:3A248504.7EE6@epix.net...
> the opening of The Mutants
>
> "I couldn't open it even if I wanted to.  No, I'm not meant to.  I
> couldn't open it even if I wanted to."  -- 3rd doc.
>
> Could someone explain the reasoning behind repeating this line?
>
I think it means he can't open it.

Keith Brookes  29/11/2000

-------------------------------------------------------------------

[Re: Todd Toys and Doctor Who - Perfect Match!]

>Isn't it strange how the tiny Harlequin >figures have far better detail and
>likeness than the Dapol figures?

A 5 year old kid with a lump of clay could get better detail than the Dapol
figures.

Fett  01/12/2000

-----------------------------------------------------------

On Stardate 28 Nov 2000 21:21:10 GMT, fett2002@aol.com (Fett) sent a
Galactic Union telegram to rec.arts.drwho, containing the following
momentous news:

>Adam RIchards:
>>I think there's a glumness about Revenge; >the cheapness spills over
>>into the atmosphere of the piece. The >caves look very dull and boring.
>>The plot is rather haphazard and contains >one of my least favourite
>>cop-outs - we're told that if a bomb >explodes it will blow up a
>>planet, but when we see it actually blow >up all it does is kill one
>>human. There's some ridiculous ideas >(the "Glitter gun")
>< snip >
>
>Y'know, the glitter gun sounds pretty stupid in premise, but I'm thinking
it's
>actualy much more of an actual legitimate thing than it sounds like. The
idea
>one gets from just the name is a cheap gun that spurts out gold sparkles
that
>travel all of ten feet and then fall harmlessly to the ground, but I'm
willing
>to give the benefit of the doubt that it's actually something much more
complex
>than that.

Oh, believe me, it is - when you press the secret button, a recording
of "Rock & Roll Part II" starts playing...

Lorrill Buyens  02/12/2000

--
Keith Brookes