It was cloudy. The Golden Grahams were few. Not enough in the box to fill a bowl. Arthur poured them in. He added milk. He wanted to make them last. He ate them one at a time. The first one was misshapen. He threw it out the window. The window cleaner caught it in his mouth. The second one was a perfect square. Arthur ate that one. Crunch. Slurp. Gulp.
< slap >
Thanks mister resident-slapper-get-out-of-rut-one's-stuck-in-er I needed that - caught in a right old Penswick warp I was, couldn't have composed a long sentence if my lifetime's supply of malted cereal depended on it. It's this book I've been reading see? Took me nigh on a calendar year to peruse it, what with it being the proverbial embodiment of all that is execrable in Doctor Who novelisation. Being a magnanimous fellow, I thought I'd better give it a fair crack of the Nestle's Instant - and that took time.
Given that The Pit is so notoriously bad that even my new window cleaner of no moral compunction - he who wipes down the panes with a Yorkshire Terrier dipped in creosote ("gives the glass a lovely finish Mister Banana, and sod what the do-gooders think") - looks down upon it with disdain, I considered it my duty to approach the book with an open mind. (The book down the street on a plinth outside Mrs Langoustine's front garden; the open mind pulled on a bogey attached to a rope. "'Ere put the roof up Mister Banana, I'm fair sweating in this sunlight." "No way Open Mind, It would be prejudicial of me to put up the roof and deprive the artist Neil Penswick the right to give his opus a fair perusal.")
Mind, they aren't half short. Subject verb object, that's about it really. Still took me year to finish it, but most of that was biting the bullet to actually start it - once I'd picked it up I read it in a single bath session and this with Skelton banging on the door and doing his first generation cyberman voice ("HOOOOw LOOOng arE YoU goiNG to bEeeee? OOOTher PeopLLLLe waNT to UUUse thE BaathrOOm tOO yOu KNow.")
This book is no doubt illegal though in a way that isn't enforced any more, you know the sort of thing:
It's quite possible that Penswick's violated 3) but it's only an archaic law that's still on the statute books. He'll get away with it.
So these two anthropomorphisms arm-wrestle: on one side "Penswick's attempting Orwellian simplicity of expression, but makin a hash brown sans brown of it" and on the other "Penswick actually *has* a reading age of seven". I must grant victory to the former and concede that Penswick's short sentences and monosyllables are an intentional stylistic touch. Mister "Marty" Magnaminity insists. Doesn't work though. Perhaps a slightly wider vocabulary would help out here; would point out the pitfalls of describing the monsters as "very nasty beasts, with lots of teeth", or the interplanetary vehicles as "Space-Hoppers". Would inject a little expression into the proceedings.
So null points for style, but does the Nordic singing accreditation carry on to storyline as well? You bet your honeybasted ass it does. You see there was I picking my nose with a flail and wondering where all the broken membranes and mucous and nasal hairs were, this activity usually being none of the tidiest, when I realised that my the wielding-weapon in question had shape-changed into to the well-manicured finger of a Zen-garden miniaturist. If only life was like that. Shape-changers, eh? Easy egress. Bone JFK-Airport-minus-Wild to include shape-changers in your narrative. No matter, it's done now. Time to move on.
Motiveless murders? Do me a favour â^À¦ what sort of ground-rendering expositional device is that? You wanna write a book by Spyrograph or something? "MURDER! NO MOTIVE! This enigma to be unraveled by Major Cardboard of the Cliché Police and his funky rhyming Martial Law/Holy War backdrop."
NO WAY it's and ladders Snakes and Ladders, do me *another* favour - Mousetrap is the metaphor for life's random nature, mate, what with that little fella jumping off the diving board and not always hitting the mark. As every late 60s schoolboy bleedin' well KNOWS.
"'Ere watch where you're treading, Sly! The ground's full of holes
with
poets down the bottom - didn't yer read the signs? "A little black
thing among the snow, crying 'weep weep' in notes of Ripping stuff and no mistake. That little marker yer aim yer bowling
balls at I mean. Masonic conspiracy? Not in this instance Sonny Jim,
thought I'd tread the cultist conspiracy track this time. So that's a
third one - don't make me ask for a *fourth* favour. Purlease.
Further down The Spinal Tap catalogue we go. Bloody Stone'enge again.
Why not give one of the other stone-circles their chance in the
limelight? Only last week I had Long Meg and her Daughters round my
front door pleading their case. "It's not fair: we can stand in a ring
just as well as those overrated Wiltshire monoliths but as soon as
anyone wants a stone-circle for their story where do they go?
Stone'enge *every* bleeding time. I mean how many more millennia are we
going to have to wait?"
You see they can put a cordon round the real Stone'enge to keep all the
druids and hippies and Time-Team lookalikes out but they can't put a
figurative cordon round Stone'enge as a plot setting to keep the
imaginatively sparse out. Why's that then? It's because yer very nasty
beasts with lots of sharp teeth insist on Stone'enge or no monolith ring
at all. Megalithic snobbery - that's all it is. Favour number four
Neil, in your own time please.
I was discussing this Gallifreyan cover up malarkey with Mrs
Langoustine
in an igloo just last Thursday, and she had some interesting comments on
the matter. "When I'm grilling a kipper," she said "I always use
kitchen paper to take the grease from my hands and use it to buff up the
wooden furnishings. It does give the sitting room a certain piscine
aroma but that is more than compensated for by the unique sheen that
only herring fat imparts. Now when I was employed to clean round Jilly
Goolden's house twice a week she fair went ballistic - said that she
couldn't get the fish smell out of her nose; that this had destroyed her
capacity to suss out wines; that now every wine from the lowliest
Languedoc to the majestic queen of Chardonnay smelt like it had kippers
in it. Don't tell anyone I can only smell kippers, she said - it'll
destroy my career, she said. Paid me handsomely to keep my mouth shut.
"Course I tried to sell my story to the tabloids for a tidy sum and do
you know what? Not interested. Never a week goes by without some fool
spinning a yarn about destroying a celebrity wine-taster's olfactory
capacity. Old news, they said."
And that's what's up with this Gallifreyan cover-up shenanigans. Old
news. Your honest reader toils through yer reading age of Seven; and
yer exposition-by-Spyrograph; and yer very nasty beasts with lots of
teeth; and yer shape-changing nosepick flails; and yer poets down holes;
and yer Spinal Tap catalogue and quite rightly expects some not
insubstantial narrative reward at the end of it all - only to receive a
medium dollop of Gallifreyan cover-up. Old news. Forget the five
favours - just give me lots of money for time served.
Arthur loosened his sarong. It fell to the floor in a pile. He
carried
his nakedness to the bathroom scales. They fled out of the door. "Too
heavy, too heavy, don't stand on me, it hurts" they shouted. Arthur
looked toward the door lest the scales should return. He reached behind
to test the bathwater. Just the right temperature! Hang on a second.
What is this object? The loofah has fallen into the water. Must put it
back on the rack. It will get saturated. Arthur's eyes still watched
the door. Arthur fished the loofah from the water...
"WHHat tHe heLLL dO YYYoU TTheeeeNk yOOOU arE DoooiNG???
"Oops, Sorry Mister Skelton, I was caught in another Penswick warp.
< slap >
Thanks Roy.
Arthur Banana 23/8/00
[As chosen by Ed Jefferson]
[ Things they'd never say on RADW...]
Like Adam said, I love all you guys really... :)
"Look, I am absolutely *sick* of all the net cluelessness that is
practiced on this newsgroup. Could people *please* follow my example
and start snipping unecessary text from their replies? Thank you."
(YADS)
"The DWM comic strips are utter, utter shite, and there's no way in
*hell* you'll ever convince me to make them part of *my* personal
canon. Screw Steve Parkhouse *and* the horse he rode in on!" (FINN
CLARK)
"Could people stop referring to blowjobs and jism, I find it a
thoroughly disgusting topic of conversation, quite frankly. I'd much
rather talk about breasts. Wobbly wobbly..." (ADAM RICHARDS)
"Okay everybody - this is *exactly* where 'The Infinity Doctors' fits
into continuity. Now pay attention..." (LANCE PARKIN)
"Flexihistory? Never heard of 'im. What an absurd suggestion." (JON
BLUM)
"No, I'm at a total loss. I know nothing about what happened in the
world of Who on that particular day. So sue me." (DAVID BRUNT)
"Y'know... that Magrs guy knows what he's talking about when he's
writing Who. Hopefully he'll get the job of commissioning editor when
Justin Richards finally hands over the reins to a worthy successor."
(WILLIAM DECEMBER STARR)
"What?!? You ignore *every* reference to the Looms in the novels?
Are you nuts or something? The Looms are at the very *centre*, I tell
you, of Gallifreyan society! ...Who said 'potato' at the back?" (RAY
TATE)
"Look, I keep telling everybody - *don't* read 'The Burning' when it's
published!" (LANCE PARKIN, after explaining at length about 'The
Infinity Doctors')
"I listened to 'The Fires of Vulcan' today, and all I can say is... it
was marvelous! Bonnie was a revelation! Hopefully this will silence
her critics forever..." (STEVE DAY)
"You're right, my sig *is* kinda excessive, isn't it? I think I'll
trim it down a bit..." (SNARKY)
"Thank god we didn't get some fanwanky things like - hah! - Krynoids
in that novel..." (MARK STEVENS)
"Far be it from me to act as a mediator, but there's a simple way to
resolve this argument. Will both of you just shut the fuck up before
I claim the pair of you?!?!" (ORINOCO)
"Well, I've been following the EDAs closely for several years now and
I'd just like to say 'Well done' to everybody involved. I have the
utmost confidence in the future of the range..." (JACK BEVEN)
< sigh > "How many more times? *Don't* read 'The Burning' when it
comes out,
thicko. It's a complete waste of paper, I kid you not..." (LANCE PARKIN
again)
"I'm sick of all these 'rad' novels. Why can't we get back to some
good old-fashioned 'Earth-invaded-by-martians' storylines?" (JONN
ELLEDGE)
"Actually, I am *that* Gareth Thomas." (GARETH THOMAS)
"Yes, I know some people on RADW go for the '400 line post' approach,
but I like to think I can sum up my thoughts on the direction of the
EDAs in a couple of lines." (IMRAN INAYAT)
"I never really saw the point of starting 'An Unearthly Child' with
that rather ridiculous looking police constable. A blatant attempt to
pad out an underunning episode if ever I saw one..." (ED JEFFERSON)
"I was always fond of the colour 'red' for some reason..." (TERRANCE
DICKS on his lunchbreak)
"I never liked the fact that after 'Genesis' the Daleks were
somehow... weakened and that Skaro was destroyed in 'Remembrance'.
So I've decided to write a new novel which will see the Daleks return
to their former glory, their star-spanning Empire feared throughout
the cosmos. Some authors would probably do a silly thing like, say,
retcon the destruction of Skaro, but I'm doing the clever thing by
setting my novel, 'War' at a point in time *before* Skaro's
destruction. I know this may seem like a revolutionary kind of idea,
but Who's about *time* *travel*, y'know?" (JOHN PEEL, just popping in)
Meddling Mick
6/7/00
[As chosen by Ed Jefferson]
[Subject: Re: Authors who should have written for Who]
Shakespeare: The
Tragedie of Davroff, King of the Dalecks
ACT I scene
I; a heath
enter a ferocious mutant
they fight
exeunt Davross and Nyderio
exit Dalek 2 enter
Doktorio, Lady Smythe, Sullivane
exeunt ... et cetera ...
Shaft Tse Tung 2/4/00
[Subject: Re: Hooray for the writers! Questions about the craft]
>>Now
we
are determinedly set to write for a certain Doctor
Ann wrote:
> Does that mean that in your contract with Big Finish or BBC Books, or
DWM "I was working the Sixth
Doctor beat ... a rundown, kicked-in-the-shins side of town, spat on by
both the casual viewer and the BBC, but hey, at least it's full of
colourful characters.
"One morning I decided to knock off late and had
begun absorbing my lager through the pores of my skin when SHE arrived.
You know the type -- a screamer when she's tied up, and I don't mean as in
busy, sister.
"'Who killed Glitz,' she asked as bits of her swung loosely,
leading the other bits of her as her legs cascading over my desk.
Flashback to the Baker Boys' piano and knew I was in either in love or in
trouble.
"'I dunno, sweetheart,' I replied, pulling out both my Magnum and
a condom to keep all bases covered, 'I always thought it was the Heavy
Metal revival."
Charles Martin 18/3/00
Steve Roberts wrote: Sounds painful. Have you
seen a Doctor about it?
Orinoco 21/1/00
[Subject: Doctor Who Trivia Contest]
I am now pleased to announce a brand new Doctor Who contest
in which you can win some fabulous prizes. All you need to
do is to answer every one of the following ten multiple
choice questions correctly, and I'll draw three winning
entries from a box. You must answer all ten questions
correctly in order to be eligible for a prize. The prizes
are as follows.
1st prize: A real full size Dalek! This blobby mutant
inside a wastebin is guaranteed to unclog toilets and
entertain you for hours. Comes to you straight from Skaro,
the Dalek planet. WARNING: The Dalek to be issued to the
winner of this contest is very disruptive, it has failed
obedience school, and its vocabulary apparently contains
only one word, an eleven-letter word that begins with an
"E".
2nd prize: A complete set of seven 16mm films from the
classic story "Marco Polo", each one individually
autographed by William Hartnell himself!
3rd prize: Peter Davison's celery! Now you can become a
proud owner of the actual stick of celery worn by the great
Peter Davison on Doctor Who! Now, here are the questions.
1. What is the Doctor's real name?
2. What is the Master's real name?
3. What is the official title for the first story?
4. What year does the UNIT sequences in "The Time Warrior"
take place?
5. By what other name is the Loch Ness monster known as?
6. Approximately how many people in the world currently own
a pirate copy of a 16mm film print of "The Tenth Planet 4"?
7. In what year do we expect someone to send their pirate
copy of "The Tenth Planet 4" to the BBC archives?
8. Who is Gordon Bennett?
9. What color is the door control lever on the TARDIS
console as used in "Logopolis"?
10. What was the final score of the football game which Ace
made a reference to (the halftime score) in "The Curse of
Fenric"?
This the deadline for all contest entries is April 1st.
Michael R. Wall 16/11/99
[As chosen by Dr. Evil]
[Subject: Re: Is Dr Who Gay?]
Meddling Mick wrote: Stephen Graves wrote: I'd rather not say,
although the image of William Hartnell strutting his stuff dressed as a
leather dude complete with peaked cap and handle-bar moustache should be
enough to give anyone the willies.
Meddling Mick
9/8/99
[Subject: Re: Thoughts on Warriors' Gate]
Shane "Remo D" Dallmann wrote:
>The end of episode three. Just what throws the Doctor from the Tharil
Yeah that part throws me every time. My take on it is that the Doctor is
part of some virtual reality as a means of explaining the Tharil history.
With the arrival of the Gundan robots, the "tape" ends and the Doctor's
perceptions return to the real environment. He has in fact been sitting at
the banquet table unaware that Rorvik and co have been watching him
experience some sort of psychic vision (as they would see it). The *real*
cliffhanger ending is the Doctor realising what a complete dickhead he must
have looked to Rorvik and his crew sitting there talking to himself and
eating handfuls of spider web.
Podmix 1/6/99
[Subject: Re: The Titles of Dicks]
Chris Orton wrote: It could be worse. Just imagine, say, Terry Nation's
version of Pride and Prejudice... "Country House of the Daleks" (a.k.a.
"Persuasion cutaway")
Chapter 1. The Death of Jenny Bennett ...or then again it might go
the Babylon 5 "more pretentious than you've had hot dinners" route...
Chapter 8. The Deconstruction of Mortgaged Houses ...or the "middle period Doctor Who" method... Chapter
11. The Space Dance ...winding up with the "late Doctor Who"
approach: Chapter 14. Revivification of the Proposal
Graham Nelson 28/4/99
[As chosen by Dr. Evil]
Paul 'Ozymandias' Harman wrote: >And
yet, there he was without a scratch in "Mark of the Rani". >Now, I'm
sure
Dm will have some words to say about this, but while I was in >When we see the Master disappearing in
"Planet of Fire" - that's when the >Comments? Scene: Lord
President's
office. BORUSA, FLAVIA and the CASTELLAN are discussing the latest crisis
to hit Gallifrey. FLAVIA: So, to sum up: Someone has somehow gained
access to the Ancient and Forbidden Timescoop controls to reactivate the
Death Zone, the Doctor's disappeared from all his timestreams (except
one's caught in a sort of loosely glossed-over Time-thingummy), he's
proabaly in the Death Zone, and no-one knows where the Timescoop controls
are hidden except for whoever's behind this dastardly scheme. CASTELLAN:
That's about it, yup. The questions is....what are we going to do about
it? BORUSA: Hmmm. Wait a moment! I've got it! How about I timescoop the
Master here and send him into the Death Zone? (Long Pause.) FLAVIA and
CASTELLAN both point at BORUSA. FLAVIA and CASTELLAN: Ah-*ha*! BORUSA
(slapping forehead): Shit! Ben Woodhams 2/2/99
Troy wrote:
> Alpha Centuri: Just one oversized, girlie voiced, phalic shaped, eyeball
> -Anyone got any more suggestions?
Humans.
I mean, is there anything that won't kill those guys? They're practically
bags of water, so you just have to prick one of them, and all of the
water pours out! If it's too hot they dry out and burn, if it's too
cold they freeze. And they've got a vital organ right on top of their
bodies, apparently to provide their enemies with a convenient target to
aim at!
How do these guys think they can conquer a galaxy, with their blunt
teeth, their thin little claws which'd break if they so much as scratched
their asses... They can only see in one tiny little band of the em
spectrum, can only hear a tiny segment of the audio spectrum, and they
don't smell too good either.
Daniel Frankham 12/12/98
[Subject: Re: Loch Ness monster survey]
Anthony M Cervino wrote:
Karen Jo Nyctolops wrote:
That's it! and all this time I was trying to reconcile the two reports I
had.
Description 1: It was this huge great, long-necked, ferocious
reptile.
Description 2: It was a little, ugly bloke taking a swim.
Thanks, Karen.
Richard Smeltzer 8/10/98
Robert Smith? wrote:
DOCTOR: Oh no, we're trapped! The TARDIS will never d... dem...
hmmm.... fly again! BARBARA: Don't tell me there's another knob jammed
in the console!
IAN: I keep telling you, I came into the console room
after I'd had a shower, because I thought I'd left my toothbrush on the
console. And then it lurched to the side, and my towel fell off, and...
DOCTOR: No Smithsonian, it's the octopus! It says it won't make the column
go up and down any more! It's arm is getting tired! And it says it got a
splinter from the stick!
SUSAN: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
Daniel Frankham 10/7/98
Steve Manfred wrote: Either
that or the night shift at Dimensionally Transcendant Janitorial Services
had been slacking off again and letting the Vortex get all dusty...
William December Starr 17/5/98
On 3 May 1998, VoidIndig0 wrote: This post works best if read in the style
of the Cybermen voices from "Tenth Planet" Chris Rednour 4/5/98
>Look at how many times Borusa had regenerated, he was being realistic Yes,
this was specifically stated in an exchange cut from the final version of
'The Five Doctors': Lance Parkin 29/3/98
Charles Daniels wrote: Next week, Bill & Ted review "The Merchant
of Venice". Rob Stradling 19/2/98
[The Space Museum: Episode 2]
"The Dimensions of Time" begins with a short scene of the TARDIS crew
standing around looking like they've all been hit over the head. "They're
gone!" says Barbara. "And we've arrived!" replies the Doctor. Ah, that
explains everything.
The next scene informs us that we're on Zeros, the famous Planet of
Eyebrow People. Three Moroks -- about half the population of the planet --
briefly discuss how bored they are.
Meanwhile, three Wesley Crusher clones are fomenting revolution. They
decide they need to track down the four people who've just shown up in the
museum that appears to comprise the entire planet.
Elsewhere, Ian steals a gun from a glass case. In a demonstration of
just the kind of keen intellectual powers posessed by the second season
regulars, he playfully points it at Barbara, Vicki, and the Doctor and
then tells the latter worriedly that he "could have blown a hole" in him.
The crew argue for a few minutes about what to do. "The fact is the
future," says the Doctor. "Yes," replies Ian, "I see what you mean."
Somehow, they come to the conclusion that if they leave they'll end up in
the cases. There is some consternation over the fact that Ian has lost a
button.
Moving on, the four attempt to locate the entrance. The crew argue
about which direction to take. Barbara observes that "actually, all the
corridors look alike" and the Doctor helpfully points out that "you have
to turn right before you can turn left." This seemed to go on for hours,
although it was probably only about a minute. It sounded like the cast was
improvising.
Around this point I went to the kitchen to put away a glass. While I
was away, I heard goofy danger music, and when I got back, the Doctor was
lying on the floor with the Wesley Crusher Trio standing over him. The
leader suggests to the dorkiest one that he stand guard over the Doctor
while the others wander off. When they return, the guard is bound and
gagged on the floor. The Doctor is gone. "He was like a whirlwind!" says
Dorky Guy. The Crushers leave, and there is a pan to an unexplained Dalek.
It babbles something in a high pitched voice, and the Doctor pops out,
giggling.
Meanwhile, the rest of the crew has been wandering in circles. (How did
these people ever find their way in in the first place?) Ian decides to
unravel Barbara's cardigan to mark their trail. In another demonstration
of just the kind of keen intellectual powers posessed by the second season
regulars, he tries to do this with his teeth. After a moment, Barbara has
a flash of inspiration -- she can use Ian's penknife! Barbara has a keen
tactical mind.
A few minutes later, the Crushers show up and follow the thread. I
guess it's not like they have anything better to do.
In another part of the museum, the Doctor comes upon a chair and sits
down. He is strapped in by a metal seatbelt, which he doesn't notice until
he tries to get up. A couple of doors open up about two feet in front of
his face. (I'm sure they weren't there a moment ago.) They reveal a Morok,
who sounds like he's going to pitch condominiums at the Doctor (he begins
with something like "Welcome to beautiful Zeros!"). Instead, he
interrogates the Doctor using a machine that shows thoughts. This is a
pity, as the condominium idea might actually have been more interesting.
Miraculously, the rest of the crew finds the entrance. They open it and
we see them peering out of the door. The scene is badly overexposed. We
hear a crowd muttering somewhere. "They have the TARDIS!" cries Barbara.
*Who* has the TARDIS? Where is it? We never find out.
The Morok asks the Doctor where he comes from. The screen shows stock
footage of walruses, which must have been the first thing the director
grabbed out of the vault.
Dr: These are some good friends of mine!
Morok: But you're not an amphibian!
Dr (Knowingly): Oh no?
Then, for some reason, the screen seems to show someone in a jumpsuit
and a cowboy hat. Angered, the Morok decides to make the Doctor into an
exhibit.
There are two more episodes of this next week. God help us all. M.
Wesley Osam 11/1/98
[The Sontaran Experiment] Dan Blythe 13/11/97
Just discovered in the files of the BBC, it's the unused final pages of
the last chapter of THE EIGHT DOCTORS! I think this says it all, really.
As she followed the Doctor out of the old console room and towards the new
one, Sam put on her best Bogart accent. "Doc, this could be the beginning
of a beautiful friendship!" The Doctor nodded. "Indeed it could..." He
paused, looking at this young plucky new companion that he was saddled
with. "But first, let me show you this." He opened a white-roundeled door
and gestured Sam inwards. "The Pudding Room." Sam gasped. "Doctor...
that's a lot of pudding." The Doctor grinned. "Two-hundred and forty
american dollars worth of pudding." "Worth of pudding?" echoed Sam.
"Aw
yeah," replied the Doctor. "You could've gotten a hundred dollars worth
of pudding, and that would've been a lot of pudding," Sam argued. "But we
had to go all the way... all the way home, baby," the Doctor grinned,
pulling off his jacket. "Two hundred and forty dollars worth of pudding."
Throwing his jacket into the corner, he continued. "Now excuse me while I
kiss the sky." As the Doctor began to rub his ass in the pudding, Sam
knew that this was the beginning a beautiful friendship indeed. Greg
McElhatton 22/10/97
STATE OF DECAY Exclusive! An In-Vision special by Andrew Pixie.
SCRIPT State of Decay was originally called Invasion of the Vampires and
written for the third Doctor. Horrible vampire monsters were led by the
Master to Earth to suck the planet dry. UNIT narrowly defeated the alien
menace by utilising garlic bullets and wooden missiles. Barry Letts
wasn't too impressed and commissioned The Claws of Axos instead.
A few years later, Dicks rewrote it as The Giant Vampire, the
debut story for the fourth Doctor but Barry recognised the script. It
became The Wasting in 1977 as Dicks became rather cynical about his
script. It was also submitted as part of the Key to Time sequence, now
entitled A Shit State.
Dicks later explained at a convention that he changed the name
from A Shit State to State of Decay because it just might attract
unintentional negative views - "This story is A Shit State." Another
rumoured title seems to point to Return of the Krynoid but this cannot be
100% confirmed.
So how did Terrance get on with the dynamic new production team?
"That script-editor was a right bastard - we couldn't agree on
anything. I wanted to call the story The Vampire Mutations but he
insisted we call it Decay - No Vampires, Honest. He was adamant that he
didn^Òt want the viewers to latch on to the fact that the story featured
vampires. Oh he was off his cake, that one. He cut all my stuff about
the chief gnome and his fishing rod because he wanted to get rid of the
fantasy aspect of the series and return to its scientific roots!"
"He also insisted that we put in that bit about Grimm's theory of
Language or whatever. I said to him, "but Chris, it's crap."
"No, no, no!" he cried. "It's fascinating!"
"He punched me on the nose and I agreed that it was, after all, a
really good idea. Choking through blood, I asked him if the H was short
for Hamilton. He replied that I should know that his full name was
Christopher Don't Give Me Shit Bidmead and kicked me savagely in the
nuts."
Dicks goes on, recalling those halcyon days; "After that I just
agreed to write whatever he wanted. I wanted to get paid. A lot of
people have asked me why the scenes in State of Decay were so long.
That's down to sloppy directing and I blame that twit they got from All
Creatures Great and Small. Mind you, that Moffat was a whizz when it came
to crosswords, but he was happier when he could film Christopher Timothy
ramming his arm up a cow. SCRIPT EDITING "Yeah, but we're desperate mate. This new producer needs a script
done in record time and if he doesn't get it then I won't get paid.
You've got a reputation for churning stuff out at breakneck speed."
"You cheeky git!"
"Come on - we'll pay you £ching!"
"Okay, I'll do it!"
Chris Bidmead extensively reworked the script that Dicks
delivered, maliciously ripping out the carefully constructed fantasy
elements that Terrance had slaved over. Out went Damian the chief gnome
and his band of magic fairies with their purple shoes. Instead in came
Kalmer and all that stuff about the Laws of Constanants, how words change
over the years. A good example of this is the phrase; "Three cheers for
the chubby new producer!" which changed into "Sack the fat bastard!" Gone
too was the chief gnome's fishing rod of terror which summoned up the
giant vampires from the magic circle on Ancient Gallifrey. Rumour has it
that Stephen Payne came across this draft of the story whilst writing The
Greatest Script in the Galaxy.
Bidmead had this to say about Dicks; "Obviously I respect the man,
he has a great talent. I just don't think it lies in writing. He's
probably just unsuitable for writing Doctor Who. If there's one thing I
think I achieved as script-editor on the series, it was to change the
direction that Doctor Who was going in. After the ghastly Graham Williams
era, I feel that JNT and I totally revamped the show to its advantage.
More science and less fantasy, that sort of thing. I mean, did you see
that Nimon one, good God!"
At this stage the interviewer asked Bidmead if he has seen some of
the later shows. As he had not, we took the opportunity to show him The
Twin Dilemma, Mindwarp, Paradise Towers and The Happiness Patrol.
"!"
Christopher H. Bidmead is now residing in a mental hospital
where he was last seen scribbling strange figures with three eyes on the
wall in his ward with a green crayon. The editorial team would like to
publicly deny all responsibility for the state of his health. A state of
decay... DIRECTOR AND TEAM He needed a script fast and so he called in the resources of
Terrance Dicks whom he knew he could get for peanuts and asked him to
rewrite this script for the fiftieth time, the script that had been
rejected by the BBC every two years since the early seventies.
Now he needed a director. Using his vast network of in-house
contacts, he managed to get someone who once worked on All Creatures Great
and Small roped in. Peter Moffat could get several complicated shots of
Christopher Timothy sticking his arm up a cow done in record time. This
meant that he was cheap and everyone could go home on time, if not early
which was, of course, the main priority on Doctor Who.
Peter Moffat didn't see eye-to-eye with Bidmead either. The
script editor didn't want a gothic, Hammer-style production despite the
fact that the story cried out for such treatment; "How the hell can you
set a vampire story in a medieval community without it looking gothic and
moody? What the hell was Bidmead on?!" FILMING This was around the time that Louise appeared nude with a Dalek in
the pages of Colour Climax magazine.
Nicholas Courtney had this to say about State of Decay. "Ah yes,
State of Decay. Brilliant stuff by Terrance Dicks. I relished the
opportunity to wear an eyepatch. And you know, there^Òs this hilarious
story about the eyepatch..." VISUAL EFFECTS. We then asked him to elaborate if we gave him a bit more money.
He agreed.
"All right then - the producer, a fat bloke with a beard, I
seem to remember, asked me to knock up a sort of gothic tower.
But could I do it on the cheap? I reused an old space rocket from Blake's
7 and tarted it up with paint and crap and stuff and that seemed to do the
trick. When I showed it off to the script editor (he was a funny bloke, I
can tell you. Kept on juming up and down and screaming about being too
silly and too much fantasy and not enough science. When he saw my
shit-hot model he started crying and told me that no-one would believe
that it didn^Òt look like an old space rocket left over from Blake's 7.
Then he gazed up with a funny look in his eyes and disappeared with a set
of scripts in his hand.
A saw him later on that day and he was trying to explain that he'd
worked it out that the castle was actually meant to be a decrepit space
ship. I nodded and smiled, I hadn^Òt the heart to tell him that I had
seen Christine Ruscoe's set designs. I wasn^Òt sure if he^Òd notice that
the interiors looked like stone and brick. There was a furious row which
ended up in a vicious stabbing and various broken limbs but Christine took
it very well. She never worked on the show again once she got back on
solid food and returned home." POST PRODUCTION. John Pettigrew 11/9/97
Just had a quick trip in my TARDIS and picked up a copy of "Hello"
magazine from late January 1998. It contained the following article.
"The Great Wedding of January 1998" Last weekend saw the joining of
Ms K.
Orman and Mr J. Blum in matrimony at a lavish ceremony. The families of
the bride and groom were present along with a disconcerting assortment of
characters who all claimed they were from 'RADW'. This is believed to be
a small town somewhere in Ireland. The bride looked stunning in a white
dress and elicited gasps of admiration when she stepped out of her
carriage - a large blue box that seemed to appear out of nowhere. The
groom wore a battered suit with a paisly waistcoat topped off with a white
fedora. The atmosphere was joyful, typified by a Mr K. Topping who kissed
anyone heard to utter the words "devil", "goblins", and "wonderful" in the
same sentence. The ceremony, a Jewish-Wiccan mixture, was truly
delightful The only concern happened when the question "does anyone know
of any cause why these two should not be joined?" was asked. A Mr T.
Prime, formerly known as Mr J. Plotz, was heard to utter "because Blum is
a wa" before being sharply cut off. After interviewing Mr Prime at his
hospital bed police captain Lytton announced they were dropping the search
for his assailants as all the guests at the ceremony "were looking the
other way at the time". At the reception a large six-sided table was
needed to hold the wedding gifts which comprised almost exclusively of
bottles of chocolate sauce. An exception to this was a copy of "The Joy
of Sex" which was presented, along with a compendium of erotic fiction,
by a Mr A. Hart. A piece of artwork was presented by a Mr J. Long but
this caused much consternation and was deemed 'inappropriate' for such a
gathering. The catering was performed by a Mr D. Becker who, unlike the
vast majority of guests, appeared not to enjoy the day. His entire menu,
bizarrely, consisted of sour grapes. A doctor at the gathering, one of
eight present, suggested he may be suffering from a vitamin deficiency and
that a change in diet involving the intake of humble pie would be
beneficial. Entertainment was provided by Mr Azaxyr, a stand-up
comedian.
His routine was generally accepted although certain jokes relating to
events of the 1940s did cause some unrest in the audience. A slight
moment of concern was generated when the person who created the place
cards was accosted by a woman who appeared to shout "there is only one 'd'
in 'Davison". A Ms E. Frohman is currently helping police with their
enquiries. At the going away ceremony the garter was caught by a Mr P.
Shields who described himself as a "bitter bachelor". The scramble for
the bouquet was won by a Ms B. Summerfield who said she hoped it would
bring her luck for next time around. The happy bride and groom left
hand-in-hand along with a gentleman who was heard promising them "a quick
trip around the universe and then home in time for tea". After the
reception a Mr J. Peel announced that he was setting up a solicitor's
practice. He told 'Hello' that "in the unfortunate case of a divorce
being required we can make it seem as though the marriage never happened".
Graham Nealon 19/7/97
[Subject: Re: The last word on retconning] If the cunningest, deviousest
Doctor of them all is going to be so easily outwitted, then perhaps the
earlier, less experienced ones were even more easily befuddled?
BRIGADIER: Benton, it's time again. BENTON: Oh no, sir, I can't
do it.
It's cruel. BRIGADIER: If we don't, he'll just get bored and nick off at
the earliest opportunity. We need to keep him interested so that when the
alien hordes finally arrive, he'll be here to turn them away. BENTON: Oh,
all right. Who's gonna wear the rubber suit this time? Daniel Frankham
11/6/97
lwgreb@earthlink.net wrote: Not really, since I
don't
remember any Dr. Who robots that had big grey bushy sideburns and black
glasses, but I may have missed something. Darryl 7/5/97
Roper
Not a comment on
you personally, but I've been looking for an appropriate post in which to
insert this, and your's was the unfortunate first to come along ;) Don't
these requests remind anyone of Sam Seeley in "Spearhead From Space"? Some
shaggy little man with an unintelligible accent wanders up to Threatening
Military Officers, brandishing vague hints about the location of hidden,
top-secret, super-valuable items. He's treated with no respect, and
threatened with all sorts of punishment. A few minutes later, Steve
Phillips and Steve Roberts, all dressed up in thick plastic and navy blue
jumpsuits, burst into his little cottage and start tearing the place up in
search of missing clips...
Jason Miller
[Things I learnt from Doctor Who] 101: Anyone who
doesn't live in London:
a) lives in a mansion or b) poaches or c) has second sight or d)
worships
Satan or e) various combinations of the above With a special note: if
Scottish, plays bagpipes; if Welsh, works down t'pit, (or did afore they
shut it down). 102: Aliens are always green, and come in threes. 103:
Mining is the Universe's biggest industry 104: Species besides homo
sapiens are usually either good or bad. The few morally ambivalent races
have a pronounced class system. 105: Soldiers drink lots of tea, and
never swear. 106: As you go through life, always remember not to stop and
smell the plastic flowers. 107: Laughter is a universal language.
Especially evil laughter. 108: Anyone who comes from outer space probably
wants to kill, enslave, or eat us. Unless they have a sidekick wearing a
miniskirt. 109: Sideburns good. Moustache good. Beard evil. 110:
You can
never solve a problem with guns. Try the bazooka instead. Daniel Frankham
danielf@senet.com.au [Dec 1996]
> Still Katy and a Dalek,
though.
INT INFERNO DRILLHEAD AFTERNOON SIR KEITH and STAHLMAN study read-outs
from the main computer. The read-out clock says 72:43:09. Various
TECHNICIANS in suits, ties, and white lab coats putter in the background.
Dramatis Personae Davross- Prince of Skaro, later King
Doktorio- Moorish
adventurer and adversary of Davross Nyderio- Knight of Skaro,
loyal Advisor to Davross Lady Sara Jayne Smythe-
Consort to Mercurio, Absinthio, Fellatio-
Wizards to Davross Doktorio
Harrie Sullivane- Apothecary to Doktorio
Dalek 1
Dalek 2
Dalek 3
Dalek 4
Dalek 5
Dalek 6
Dalek 7 &c
Enter Davross, Nyderio, Two Daleks
Davross: Fair Nyderio hast my
plan
thou seen To smite the Thalls and drive them from the land?
Nyderio: Pray tell, I long for good news in this
war. Davross: I'll snare
them with a diplomatic ruse
With cunning linguistics I'll pleasure them
For when they think they've won they will have lost
And then my Dalek beasties'll disever 'em!
Dalek 1: A GREAT AND
WOR-THY PLAN IT IS MY LEIGE!!!!!!
Dalek 2: IN-DEED IT SETS YOU UP A-BOVE
THE GODS!!!!!!!!!!
Davross: Oh my stars! Nyderio: Control yourself sirrah!
Dalek 1: I SHALL EX-TER-MIN-ATE THE
BRUTE!!!!!!
Dalek 1: I AM SLAIN!!!!!! VILLAIN TAKE MY
PLUNGER!!!!! Dalek 2:
OH UN-TIME-LY DEATH!!! THOU WERT A NO-BLE DAL-EK!!!! Davross: What
fortitude, come let us plan our conquest
Dalek
2: OH THAT THIS TOO TOO SOLID CAS-ING SHOULD
MELT, THAW AND FORM AGAIN AS AN EYE-STALK!!!!!
OR THAT THE CRE-A-TOR HAD NOT RANGED HIS
CA-NON A-GAINST SELF EX-TER-MIN-ATION!!!!!!
Doktorio: Well we're here Smythe: Did
somebody say canon?
Sullivane: I'd gladly take a cannon to this
planet. Dokrorio: This is no time for metallurgical
discussions! The Lords of Time have set us
on a quest. So lets away to yonder
bunker.
Sullivane: Lead the
way. Doktorio: After you
sirrah.
>
Interesting.... hmm. :::Rereads:::
> magazine you are *only* writing about one particular Doctor for
a
certain
> amount of pieces (like a reporter or a policeman covering a
beat)? For
> example, are you the designated 6th doctor writer for
BF?
Or can you write
> about #8 next time, or #1?
>'Dalek Cutaway', my arse.
a. John Smith
b. Theta Sigma
c. Doctor Who
d. I.M. Foreman
e. Tom Baker
a. Jacknappes
b. Jehosephat
c. James Stoker
d. Professor Thascales
e. Emil Keller
f. Neil Toynay
a. The Tribe of Gum
b. An Unearthly Child
c. 100,000 BC
d. The Cavemen
e. Verity, here's that thing about the cavemen you wanted,
Love Tony
f. Serial A
a. 1972
b. 1973
c. 1974
d. 1975
e. 1980
Hint: Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart was still employed by
UNIT in this story, and in another story he stated the year
he retired from UNIT.
a. The Skarasen
b. The Borad
c. Adric
d. A surviving Plesiosaur
a. 5,400,000,000
b. 5,500,000,000
c. 5,600,000,000
d. 5,700,000,000
e. 5,800,000,000
a. 2023
b. 2024
c. 2025
d. 2026
e. 2027
a. Ace's boyfriend
b. Dorothy's boyfriend
c. Sophie Aldred's boyfriend
d. The president of Iceworld
e. Jarvis Bennett's son
f. The manufacturer of Nitro-9
a. Black
b. Red
c. Gold
d. Blue
e. White
f. Gray
a. Perivale 600,000,000; Rest of the universe 600,000,001
b. Perivale 1,200,000,000; Rest of the universe 0
c. Perivale was disqualified for using illegal muscle
enhancing drugs
d. Perivale 600,000,000; Rest of the universe 600,000,000;
Skaro 1,200,000,000
e. The game was suspended due to darkness at Wrigley Field
f. Perivale 700,000,000; Nyssavale 800,000,000; Leelavale
650,000,000
>>Ha ha! Erm... I just got a strange vision of all the Doctors dressed up
as
>>members of
the Village People and dancing to FGTH's "Relax." I'll put it
>>down to an
overactive imagination...
> Ah,
but which Doctor was dressed up as what?
>Like many others (I suspect) I found this story incomprehensible when I
>first saw it--since then, I've "caught on" and find it quite effective.
The
>concept of zero coordinates makes perfect logical sense for a concept
such
>as E-Space--but there's one part of the story that continues to throw me.
>banquet back into the hands of Rorvik? Not simply the Gundan axe-blow,
>surely?
> Whilst
reading 'Players' I noticed that once again Terrance Dicks has
> used the
blandest, most uninteresting chapter titles *yet again* in one
> of his
books. Okay, so chapter titles are not important, but doesn't
> anybody
think that Terrance could try to think of something more
> interesting
than "Attack", "Plans Afoot", "Capture", "Flight" and
> "Kidnap"? I'm only
early on in the book, so I'm half expecting to see
> the title "Escape to
Danger" soon.
Chapter 2. The
Expedition
Chapter 3. The Visit of Tarrant
Chapter 4. The
Destruction of
Sara
Chapter 5. The Dalek Invasion of Bath
Chapter 6. Seek - Locate -
Proposition
Chapter 7. The Piano of Terror
Chapter 9. And The
Gravel Cried Out, No More Coaches
Chapter 10. Spinning In The Light Of A
Deathly Grail
Chapter 12. The Time Recital
Chapter 13. The Space
Outing-To-Pick-Strawberries
Chapter 15.
Bloodwedding
>As we all know, the Master died in
"Planet of Fire". He burned up. He
>disappeared. He was no more.
>the shower
the other day I worked it out.
>Time Scoop dragged him out of reality
for the events in "The Five Doctors".
>And Rassilon returned him
unharmed
into the real Universe ready for his
>further adventures. So, basically,
Borusa saved the Master from death.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> AND THE "WUSSIEST ALIEN LIFE FORM OF ALL TIME" AWARD GOES TO:
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> in a cape. Any two year-old with a sharp stick or halogen
> flashlight could take out his entire planet.
>> I, Karen Jo Nyctolops, subscribe to the theory that the Loch Ness
monster
>> is/could be a product of:
>> a: Zygon "Earth-conquering" bio-technology
>> b: the Borad's deliverance via the Timelash
>Both of these. There is more than one and they take turns being seen.
>This is why different people describe the monster in different ways.
>Should time travel ever become a reality, I intend
to travel back to 1964
>and offer any or all monies to make it a reality
that the script involving
>the key plot point of having a giant
octopus be
the dangerous and
>malevolent entity at the heart of the TARDIS
Console be filmed.
>Yes. There's never been a rule that things
physically
>attached to the police box disappear whilst in the vortex.
>Tom Baker's scarf in "Shada"/"The Five Doctors" comes to
>mind. The
Doctor also brushes off some dust on a panel
>just after landing in "The
Brain of Morbius," so clearly
>that went along with it too. :)
> Who died and elected you proofreader sorry my keyboard is
shot. and
> it would take me too much money to get a
new one right
now. you under
> stood the post right? so there
fore the
communication was not
a problem.
> next time don't criticize
what you
don't know after all
even the
> doctor manage to travel with a busted
tardis for years you
can offer
> me the courtosy of reading my post
comig
from a busted
keyboard
>there were going to be accidents he was going to die eventually.
'We're immortal barring accidents, Borusa, why
are you seeking immortality?'
'Because I'm an accident-prone
goofball.'
'Good point. Carry on.'
>It's a classic story, this spider like dude
comes
in and messes with this
>world of butterflies and ants and uses the ants
as drones, and then the
>butterflies have to kick it's ass with help of
the larvae-like dudes who
>went underground when the bad stuff happened.
>And the atmosphere was weird.
As a sideline, I do find the names of Styre's
experiments pretty hilarious. I wonder if he would have gone on to
'Experiment 9: Measuring human resistance to decapitation with a
nine-inch blade', or 'Experiment 10 : Measuring human resistance to being
chopped into lots of little pieces and jumped on from a very great
height'?
In early 1980, Terrance Dicks was thrilled to bits to hear from the new
producer of Doctor Who. Apparently he wanted to use some old tat that
Terry had written years ago but had always been rejected by successive
production teams over the years. It was the one about giant vampires!
Christopher H Bidmead hated
this
script; "Terrance, this script is shit!" He said to the stalwart writer.
"Well, stuff you then," replied Dicks.
JNT was in a right dither. Gary
Downie had
yet to join his happy little team and he only had Barry Letts for support
and Barry would only give him practical and formal help, not emotional or
physical relief.
Location filming took
place at terminal 7 at Heathrow on 24th to 27th of June 1979. Patrick
Troughton was ill that week and couldn't make it. Louise Jamieson had bad
memories of this story - "Nick Courtney had been up all night with a
stomach bug and he didn^Òt look too right the next day. After a few dodgy
starts, I seem to recall him bumping into Davros every few minutes or so.
I was convinced that he was going to throw up on me and Camilla (Rhoda
Lewis). David Banks pulled me to one side when Nick spewed up. It missed
me but the little midget - I can't remember it's name, Mr Sun or something
- got covered. This was my earliest memory of Jon Pertwee as the Doctor.
He made me very welcome when I joined the cast. "Now listen to me," he
said in that rich dark brown voice of his. "This is my show, just leave
the hero business to me. You're just paid to smile, flash your legs and
say 'What is it, Doctor?' at the end of episode one. Do that and we'll
get on just famously."
Tony Harding
reveals the
secrets behind the sumptuous effects on this story; "Basically, we were
skint!"
Tom Baker recorded a
voice over for episode three when it was discovered that it under ran. He
says; "Buy HP Sauce. It's as rich and brown as my voice and it's great
with sausages."
>Can anyone besides me see a connection
between the robots of Dr. Who &
>Isaac Asimov?
>BTW, what incentives does Auntie
offer for
the return of lost clips? A big "Thank you" and a kiss on the cheek? A
tape of other
>hard to come by clips would be a suitable (and inexpensive)
reward.
I always dress for the occasion..........
but first I'm going to slide down these bannisters!
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!
\
\
\
\
\
\
\
\
\
\
\
(splat)
P. Bennett September 27, 1996
David J. Howe (bfs@pavilion.co.uk) wrote:
> Just to be a pain, we are
changing the picture in the paperback of
> COMPANIONS for a different
(and
better quality) shot from the session.
SIR KEITH
But... but it can't be!
STAHLMAN
I agree! That is totally impossible.
SIR KEITH
I simply don't understand. How could
the drill-head simply stop drilling?
STAHLMAN
Why has drilling stopped? What has happened
to my project?? VORUS enters the control room.
VORUS
My Skystriker! My glory! VORUS dies. All APPLAUSE.
Then, THE DOCTOR enters the room and examines the computer readout.
THE DOCTOR
Great jumping jehosephat!! Gentlemen,
*that* is why drilling has stopped. You
have finally reached the bottom of
the barrel.
Jason A. Miller (JMILLER6@uoft02.utoledo.edu), 5th February
1996