Mon, 21 Oct 96
Brian Smith
Look for truth in traffic signs.
Marcus Durham
Yeah, I saw this "Large plant crossing" sign and I spent all day waiting to catch a Triffid :-)
Jason
You twonk, Marcus! The sign would have to read "Large *cross* *plant*"! =-)
22 Oct 1996
Chris Rednour
Isn't it apparent? The Doctor [in the movie] was half-BBC on his Auntie's side!
24 Oct 1996
Jon Blum
In the tradition of classic sayings such as "Teachers do it with class"and "Dentists do it, then tell you to rinse"...
David Banks only does it with Cybermen.
Chris Bulis gets better the more he does it.
Kate Orman does it to the Doctor, again and again.
Andy Lane did it with Sherlock Holmes.
When Jim Mortimore did it, it was so long they had to cut it.
Paul Cornell keeps saying he's not going to do it anymore, then does it anyway.
Neil Penswick did it once, and was never heard from again.
The first time Dan Blythe did it, he finished two months before they expected him to.
When Paul did it, Andy Lane and Jim Mortimore undid it.
Steve Lyons does it to the sixth Doctor.
Lance Parkin documents in excruciatingly detail exactly when and how everyone did everything.
Dave Stone does it coruscatingly. With penguins.
They can't afford to get Chris Bidmead to do it anymore.
David McIntee does it with lots of adjectives.
Ben Aaronovitch tried to do it, but he lost his drive.
When Eric Saward did it, EVERYBODY DIED.
and last but not least... John Peel only does it with Roger Hancock's permission.
Jonathan Andrew Sheen
Jon Blum did it at an incredible loss, then went back to do it again, in a different way -- with Kate!
Steve
Terrance Dicks did it three times, then five, and now eight!
Ian "Trying to do it with Nyssa" McIntire
When Craig Hinton does it, he sues the Terrileptils for criminal damage.
Terrance Dicks has been doing it for a long time and shows no indication of slowing down.
When Paul Hinder does it, he uses a fake name.
The last time Paul Cornell did it, he invited everyone else to do it with him.
When Simon Messingham did it, he didn't get much response.
When Nigel Robinson does it, it's over in an instant.
Gary Russell likes doing it with lizards.
Urac 'Ratbat' Sigma, does it with the DWAS.
Davros does it from the waist up.
The Master does it with his shades on.
The Valeyard does it to himself.
Krynoids do it in pairs.
The Black Guardian does it through his agents.
The Kandyman does it in the kitchen.
The Monk does it with anachronistic technology.
K. M. Wilcox
There's one which occurred to me as I was cruising through another thread, but I feel so awkward writing it that I'll abbreviate the obvious bit.
Mel DI screaming.
Nick Caldwell
When Ace does it, last one behind cover is salsa
The Master does it, and you will obey him
Bambera and Ancelyn do it with some style.
Ron Grainer did it with tape recorders
Peter Howell did it perfectly
Dominic Glynn did it with a Casiotone
Keff McCulloch did with the "Demo" button.
Nick tried to do it with Fastracker, but gave up
Alden Bates
Lance Parkin Just does it.
Gareth Roberts does it with turtles.
Darvill-Evans did it 'cause he could.
Marc Platt does it in strange ways.
Robert Smith?
John and Kate are doing it with Vampires
Terrance Dicks is doing it with everyone.
Martin and Keith are doing it with goblins.
Ben Aaronovitch did it, but John Peel is trying to pretend it never happened.
Geoff We@sel
Andrew Cartmel does it with or without the Doctor.
Geoff Weasel will get around to doing it one of these days.
Chris Sweitzer
The BBC told Virgin to stop doing it.
But, if you ask, the BBC will send you directions on how to do it.
Even if you don't ask, radw will tell you how well you did it.
Ben Aaronovitch is doing it again.
John Peel is un-doing it.
Shada never finished doing it.
Davros does it with one hand.
The "The NA's" thread does it endlessly.
The TARDIS can do it with one "Eye" open.
Sarah G. Hadley
Gareth Roberts did it several times with Chelonians.
Phil Segal did it and failed miserably.
Eric Roberts did it while posing as Ming the Merciless.
William Hartnell and Paul McGann did it with fake hair.
Thu, 24 Oct 1996
Marcus Durham
Go on, lets celibrate Who's birthday in style.
K. M. Wilcox
Oh great, you just had to restart that whole "Is the Doctor celibrate" thread again. [Insert smiley here]
Sun, 27 Oct 1996
Dave Headman
DO NOT STOP!!!!!
DO NOT STOP!!!
Please,
Please,
Please,
Alden Bates.
Really Dave, not in public. ;-)
Sun, 27 Oct 1996
Rebecca K. Dowgiert
I think zees ees all an elaborate physchological experiment...
Stimulus: MORE NEW WHO!!!
Response: [The sound of radwers salivating]
Alden Bates
Physchological experiment nothing, he's trying to make us all drown in our own drool! It's obviously one of those evil Star Trek fans trying to rid the world of Whovians! It won't work I tell you! We won't go down easily! I have buckets and mops at the ready! I have extra exclamation mark keys fitted to my keyboard!!!
What say we cruise over to the Star Trek group and ask who's the better captain, Kirk or Picard?
(No, wait, they might retaliate with a "McCoy sucks" post.)
Sun, 27 Oct 1996
Chuck Foster
Both Marcus and Random have shot up too.
K. M. Wilcox
Yeah, last time we saw them, they were knee-high to an alien microbe.
Alden Bates
OK, you'll love this. It's from the TV Week section of the Evening Post (A newspaper from NZ's Wellington region.) October 28th edition.
DOCTOR WHO
1996, AO, 8.30pm, TV2
US TV-movie remake of the BBC classic the producers hoped would lead to a new series. The screen's seventh Doctor Who, Sylvester Stallone, briefly reprises his role at the start before handing over the Tardis to Paul McGann. This adventure is set on the eve of the millennium in gang-ridden San Francisco and features the time lord's first screen kiss. Eric Roberts co-stars as his old nemesis, The Master, who's still crazy to take over the world after all these years.
***
Yes, it _does_ say Sylvester Stallone. I'm just trying to work out whether Philip Wakefield is trying to boost the ratings or who's having who on...
Daniel Frankham
OK, how many 80s Cybermen does it take to change a light bulb?
2. One to change the bulb, and one to punch himself in the hand and say "Excellent!"
How many Omegas does it take to change a light bulb.
1. He'll do it as soon as he thinks of it.
How many Great Intelligences does it take to change a light bulb?
1. But he'll have to possess a Lama, construct an army of Yeti, and manifest himself as a luminous blob first.
Stuey Forsyth
I feel that you are all sad anorak people with no lives whatso-ever. You are all obsessed if the words "Doctor Who" appear anywhere, and if you see the glimpse of an episode, you ejaculate wildly. Doctor Who is a crap programme, and therefore you are all sad people who watch it.
Dave A. Lartigue
TROLL REVIEW: "Doctor Who is shite"
Well, I can't say I was disappointed. One only needs to look at the title of "Doctor Who is shite" to realize that one is in for a troll of the worst quality.
Some troll-fans are starting to get worried that the art of the troll is being lost, but I prefer to think that in this case, S. Forsyth is simply an inexperienced troller, trying his hand at an early attempt.
Now, he does include the word "anorak" in his response, indicating at least a passing knowledge of his intended audience, which is a good sign. However, this is followed up by a disappointing foray into the worn-out trope of "You derive sexual pleasure from this TV show you watch," which is a sure indication of a first-time troller. The troll then degenrates further into a half-hearted sentence slamming both the show and its viewers in rather weak ways "crap" and "sad", giving the impression that even S. Forsyth was losing interest in his own troll.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being "Adric: Best Companion Ever" and 10 being "No Shadows in Outer Space" (a masterpiece of a troll that survived on its own for months!) I'd give "Doctor Who is shite" a 1, which indicates, well, shite.
Keep at it, S. Forsyth, but I suggest a much easier trolling ground to start off in. The Star Trek newsgroups are ideal for the young troller trying to advance his art.
Steve Biggs
"Holy plots!" exclaimed Chang Lee. "It's the Master as a snake!"
"That's right, Change Lee!" the Doctor replied, pulling the sonic screwdriver from his utility belt.
"Mmmmrrrreeeoooowwww! Need some help?" asked Grace, raising her whip. *CRACK*
"Quick, Chang Lee, back to the TARDIS!"
Kate Orman
Bwa ha ha!
Nanananananananananana Bat McGann!
Sat, 26 Oct 1996
Piera
Hey, Dave, if you wanted to get literary, you could pay an homage to Edward Gorey and have 26 radwers killed off in the fashion of his poem, *The
GashlyCrum Tinies*...with, perhaps, a few minor revisions... Ok, so how about this:
The RADW Murders (with apologies to Edward Gorey)
A is for ALDEN who fell down the stairs.
B is for BLUM assaulted by bears.
C is for CHRISTOPHER who wasted away.
D is for DAVE STONE thrown out of a sleigh.
E is for EG CLAYTON who choked on a peach.
F is for FOSTER sucked dry by a leech.
G is for GLEASON smothered under a rug.
H is for HAZMAT done in by a thug.
I is for IAN who drowned in a lake.
J is for JASON who took lye by mistake.
K is for KATE who was struck with an axe.
L is for LORI who swallowed some tacks.
M is for MARCUS who was swept out to sea.
N is for NATHAN "BRIGADIER" who died of ennui.
O is for OMEGA run through with an awl.
P is for PIERA trampled flat in a brawl.
Q is for QUICKCITY who sank in a mire.
R is for RANDOM COMPANION consumed by a fire.
S is for SMITH? who perished in fits.
T is for TRBO TURTLE who flew into bits.
U is for URAC "RATBAT" who slipped down a drain.
V is for VOWLES squashed under a train.
W is for WEASEL embedded in ice.
X is for EXNER devoured by mice.
Y is for YADS whose head was knocked in.
Z is for ZEBEE who drank too much gin.
Tue, 29 Oct 1996
Alden Bates
Space. Infinite blackness pierced with pinpoints of light.
Pan down artistically to reveal a long row of irregularly shaped space vessels in varying states of activity. A small spectator craft, shaped incongruously like a bumble bee hovers into view, rounding a particularly large planet parked on the starting line.
Behind the multifaceted eyes, a crowd of spectators stand on staggered platforms, staring through the shielded material with binoculars. Behind them on a huge wall screen, an announcer is sitting at a news desk.
"And entrant 21 is Dennis McLaughlin, piloting... er..." a puzzled look comes over the announcer's face and he shuts off the microphone for a second while he confers with someone off screen. "ah... Peri."
The crowd leans forward to look, but the craft has swung out around the orbit of Mondas, so the entrant in question is a barely distinguishable dot amongst the starscape. The craft begins to move closer...
On the screen, the announcer is handed a piece of paper. "Late breaking news everyone, if you'll direct your attention to entrant 13."
The craft turns and whips away, arcing towards a distant point in the lineup.
"Entrant 13 is, of course, Alden Bates in the V-Ship Technomancer," the announcer informs everyone as an angular, T-shaped behemoth becomes visible. "Apparently there's some problem with a missing crew member. We take you now to our man on board, Dave."
The screen switches to a view of Dave, who is standing on the top tier of the V-Ship bridge, sticking his finger to his ear as if he's got one of those in-ear microphones. In reality, it's just that his fake ear has come loose.
"Thanks Chris, well, you can see that the whole ship is a hive of activity. I'm going to see if I can get in a few words from the captain." Dave moves towards the captain's chair, where Alden is busy speaking into a microphone.
"Yes, the _red_ minnow ship. Yes, the one with the infinite improbability drive and the bio-tracker. All right, take one of the Adrics with you. Good, out."
Dave sidles up to Alden as the latter punches another button on the chair. "A moment of your time?"
"Oh, all right. What is it?"
"We hear that one of your crew members is missing. Care to comment?"
Alden stands up, brushing off his uniform anorak. "Yes." He sits down again and looks enquiringly at Dave.
Dave stares back for a moment, before realizing that this is all he's going to get. "Um... what's this we hear about a missing crew member?"
"Ah, well. We had a count up of all the Mels on board and there was one missing. There are reports coming in that Chuck Foster has somehow gotten hold of her. Anyway, Engin and Adric are going to have a look, just in case."
Dave looks puzzled and glances at the camera. "Mels?"
Alden gestures down at the bridge. We draw back to take in the entire bridge area revealing the bridge crew. They appear to be made up of red-headed women, old men, and boys in pyjamas. "Sorry," Alden says apologetically. "I didn't have a crew, so I had to use the cloning vats. ADRIC!"
There is a massive wave as a quarter of the bridge staff turn their heads and ask: "What?"
"No, that one," Alden points to the Adric by the food dispenser. "Get away from that."
Dave taps Alden on the shoulder politely. "How can you condone such an evil act?"
"Simple. It was this lot, or I'd have to clone Yadallee."
There is a sudden burst of static as the collective Mel screams overloads Dave's microphone. Dave faints.
Alden looks down at the man's shattered eardrums sadly. "Medic!"
The picture switches back to show the announcer with a mildly stunned look on his face. "Uh, we'll be right back after these messages."
Tue, 29 Oct 1996
Piera
Come to think of it, I'm sure Mary Poppins is a Time Lady.... She now joins the ranks of Willie Wonka, The Marx Brothers and Mrs Piggle Wiggle as suspected Time Lords....
I'm going to start keeping a list soon...
Robert Smith?
The Who or What is JNT? (humor) thread hovered menacingly in mid-air, it's beard wibbling in the light, blotting out the images of the friendly
threads, like "The NAs", "UNIT Dating" and (now sadly deceased) "Day 7 on the film set". Looking down at the Weekly Stats thread, it began to chuckle.
"No, my dear Weekly Stats, you must die. Die, Weekly Stats, DIE. Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha"
The Weekly Stats thread began to shimmer and change, colours exploding outward as the alien nanites began to do their work.
A figure sat bolt upright in the newsgroup, curly hair on end and eyes alight with intelligence and a touch of arrogance.
The Lives before Hartnell thread looked on in alarm and a touch of terror.
"W-w-weekly stats?" it stammered.
"You were expecting someone else?"
"I...I...I..."
"That's three I's in one post. Makes you sound a very egotistical young thread"
"W-w-what happened?"
"Change, my dear. And, it seems, not a moment too soon. I am Off Topic: Doctor Who, whether you like it or not..."
/cue the theme music
29 Oct 1996
K. M. Wilcox
'All Daleks Great and Small' about a group of Daleks in a small country village (as opposed to a large country village, I suppose).
'Late Show with Dalek Letterman' about... Ah, you can all make up your own jokes.
'Kiss of the Dalek Woman' about some guy trying to find just where her lips are supposed to be.
'Gilligan's Dalek' which would contain the line 'Hey, Skipper, look what I found!'
'The Dalek Gourmet' with great recipe tips.
'The Dal-X-Files' about two government Daleks investigating the unusual cases.
'My Mother the Dalek' starring Jerry Van Dyke.
'Daleks of Our Lives' in which Austin is upset with Sami for exterminating Carrie.
'Skaro2' about a group of Daleks trying to survive on a hostile new planet.
'BatDalek' about the Dalek Knight. (also available: 'SuperDalek', 'SpiderDalek', and more.)
'Davros Quinn: Medicine Dalek' about a Dalek physician trying to deal with life on the frontier and the prejudice of the humans.
Brigadier Nathan Rogers
"Dalek Under Fire" - a Dalek comedy show starring a well known Dalek who undergoes lots of problems :)
"The Dalek Foxworthy Show" - "If your plunger is black, you might be a Dalek"
"Third Dalek from the Sun" - the story of a Dalek who survives the Hand of Omega
"Dalek Soup" - uhm you know
"Independence Dalek" - a Dalek breaks free!
Chris Rednour
Daleklahoma!
Beauty and the Daleks
Little Shop of Daleks
Little Daleks in Slumberland
K. M. Wilcox
"One Dalek in the Grave", about a Dalek adjusting to retirement.
"The Trouble with Daleks", about a town which finds a dead Dalek in the woods.
"Funny Dalek" -- "Daleks. Daleks who need Daleks... Are the luckiest Daleks in the world..."
"My Favorite Dalek", about a man who tries to pass off a Dalek as his uncle. (American spelling intentional)
"All My Daleks", "Daleks of Our Lives", "The Gold and the Exterminated",
"The Guiding Dalek", "As the Dalek Turns", "One Dalek to Exterminate" -- a few of the many Dalek soap operas.
"Skaro Gladiators" ('nuff said)
"Mr. Dalek Goes to Washington" -- "You are corrupt. You will be ex-term-in-at-ed."
"My Life as a Dalek", from Sweden
"Dal-X-men", about mutant Daleks fighting prejudice and each other.
"Moby Dalek", in which Ahab searches for the elusive white Dalek.
Payndz
'Daleks' - the comic escapades of six Dalek friends who frequent a Skaro coffee shop.
'Dal(tr)ek' - "To seek out new life and new civilizations... and EXTERMINATE THEM!"
'Young Daleks In Love' - self explanatory.
'DR' - Dalek medics deal with patients by exterminating them.
'The New Adventures of Davros and Clark'.
'Xena - Special Weapons Dalek'.
'Skaro Hills 90210'.
'Daleks Behaving Badly' - Black and Grey get pissed, leave unwashed plungers around and exterminate the neighbours.
'The Daleks' - animated sitcom with a family of yellow Daleks.
BTW, did anyone else notice Tom Baker's Doctor in 'The Simpsons' recently ('Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming'), or was I hallucinating?
'Dalek's Army' - aging and incompetent Daleks (the ones with the metal bands instead of chicken wire and xylophone bits) defend Skaro against the evil forces of humanity.
'The Dalek Detective' - a Dalek recruit to the police battles human prejudice and a tendency to destroy police boxes.
Nicholas Kaufmann
"The Dalek that Roared" -- Peter Sellers plays the roles of Davros, his entire Dalek army, and the President of the Thals in this political satire.
3 Nov 1996
Gordon Dymowski
Dalek Shadows -- the gothic soap opera featuring the supernatural occurrences at Kaledwood. Starring Davros as Barnabas Kaled.
The Dalek Brothers Hour -- "Davros always liked you best" "That is irrelevant -- you must be exterminated!"
Thu, 07 Nov 1996
K. M. Wilcox
Here's a new idea: Dalek Rock from K-Thal records Yes, it's all those great Dalek hits in one three-album collection! For only $39.95, you can get....
"Dalek Haze" by Jimi Dalex
"Don't Fear the Dalek" by the Blue Dalek Cult
"Stairway to Skaro" by Dalek Zeppelin
"Proud Dalek" by Creedence Cleardalek Revival
"Little Old Dalek from Pasadena" by the Beach Daleks
"Money for Daleks" by Dalek Straits
"Under my Plunger" by the Rolling Daleks
"The Day the Dalek Died" by Dalek McLean
"Dalek Magic Woman" by Fleetwood Dalek
"The Night the Lights Went Out on Skaro" by Daleki Lawrence
"Don't Worry, Be Exterminated" by Bobby McDalek
Brigadier Nathan Rogers
"Dalek Case" by Green Dalek
"Head over Plunger" by Alanis Daleksette
"Dalekrena" by Los Dalek Rio
"Dalek Paradise" by Dalekio
"No Dalekity"
"Dalek" by Micheal Dalekson
"Smells like a Dalek" by Dalekana
"Eleanor Dalek" by the Daleks
"Losing my Plunger" by R.E.D
"Kung Fu Dalek"
Richard Prekodravac
1. Never befriend a mathematical genius.
2. Always carry more than two cannisters of explosives.
3. Jelly babies help break awkward social gatherings.
4. If plan A fails, use plan B.
5. A multicoloured jacket is not a fashion statement.
6. Anyone with a duck on their head is evil.
7. Even heads are people too.
8. Flying down from the Eiffel Tower would draw attention.
9. The Mona Lisa has "this is a fake" written in black texter on the canvas.
10. Time travel fucks with your mind.
Alison
11. When exploring alien planets, always wear your least practical shoes
12. Soylent green really _is_ people! (oops.. sorry, wrong show)
13. You can never have too many pockets
14. Always interfere-- everybody else does
15. If it ain't broke, it soon will be (at least in the Tardis)
16. Don't go near the water, it's full of Haemovores/Zygons /stranded Rutans/etc
17. The sonic screwdriver: don't leave the Tardis without it.
18. Evil goateed megalomaniacs have more fun
19. Never stay where the Doctor tells you to; you'd miss all the death threats
20. There's always time for a cup of tea
Alden Bates
21. Never trust a man wearing the Beard of Evil.
22. Never fire energy weapons in an enclosed space.
23. Don't stand too close to the time accelerator.
24. Telling the Logopolians to shut up is a fundimentally stupid thing to do.
25. Aces are rare.
26. When you're trapped in an energy bubble, screaming is fun.
27. Running from a time scoop is a pretty silly thing to do.
28. Resistance is useless.
29. When suffering from Lazar's disease, remove all extranious(sp?) clothing.
30. Computers work better if you hit them. Hard.
Terisa
31. If the Doctor tells you not to worry, worry.
32. If the Doctor starts talking about the history of your name, either run or grab a mirror.
33. If you're a pretty young woman with a habit of wearing heeled shoes, bet you'll end up traveling with the Doctor.
34. If you come across a guy with a name that sounds like an anagram of Master, run.
35. If you see a tall blue box with the words Police Call Box on it, immediately run in the opposite direction.
36. Always remember to carry gold, comes in handy when dealing with Cybermen
37. Aquire the taste for jellybabies, especially if you're in the company of a tall man who likes long scarfs.
38. If the Doctor tells you he's not planning something, don't believe him.
39. If the Doctor pulls out a recorder, run. Your ears will thank you for it.
40. If your Doctor suddenly aquires the taste for cat, run.
Chris Hankenson
41. If you want to become someone important in the universe, just stick yourself with a title i.e. "The Shepherd, The Guy with the Nice Shoes,
etc.
42. When creating the superior being of the universe, remember limbs.
43. Never wear blue on a world made entirely of CSO.
44. Drinking too much carrot juice can cause a regeneration.
45. The boy you hate in school may just be Trion royalty.
46. Police boxes should never be pink.
47. It's O.K. to kiss the woman who killed your previous self.
48. The best way to celebrate the defeat of an alien menace is to nip off to the pub for a pint.
49. Any doppleganger of yourself will be evil.
50. Ancient Gallifreyan weapons would not make good wedding gifts.
LoriGrenci
51. Tea is something that you go home for and have with muffins and strawberry jam.
52. It's OK to wear gloves even when it's not snowing.
53. Somerset is a place on earth and has its own accent.
54. Cricket is really a game that people play.
55. There are places in the universe where nobody has heard of Roberto Alomar.
sabrina
56. As soon as you think it's safe to go upstairs, the Daleks learn how to hover...
57. All the really useful controls are hidden behind roundels.
58. If you stow away in the TARDIS you'll end up either killing off the dinosaurs or writing _War of the Worlds_.
59. If, while traveling with the Doctor, you discover that you have a double, you're going to get kidnapped.
60. Any episode that is canceled in the middle of production and shrouded in mystery for years will eventually be released on video with narration
by Tom Baker.
Mr K A Bray
61. If K9 is written out of a story in the TARDIS, then that story usually features Water, Rocky Terrain, or Daleks
David Mandell
62. Sleep is for tortoises.
63. Good looks are no substitute for a sound character.
64. Never trust a man who wears a hat.
65. Another thing I have learned from watching DW is that when ever you get into trouble just race up and down corridors. This is good exercise and confuses that bad guys.
Richard Prekodravac
66. Don't eat the yellow dip.
67. We know what really destroyed the dinosaurs.
68. Keep your keys in your shoes.
69. Anything impossible is possible.
70. Act as if you own the place.
71. Check the radiation meter twice.
72. Clouds of LSD do not exist.
73. Some radiators are highly intelligent.
74. A frying pan isn't only for cooking
75. The problem with alien intelligences is that they're alien.
76. A cricket match is the best form of diplomacy.
77. Beware of small girls with red ballons.
78. Parachutes are people too.
79. I said, DON'T eat the yellow dip.
Dai David J. A. Lewis
80. When in the console room, hang on to the hatstand, the TARDIS may buck and sway, but the hatstand stays upright.
81. Anyone with an evil chuckle is bound to be taking over the universe.
82. If you think you're being followed, run like f**k, you are being followed.
83. If the doctor says "I'm just popping outside for a quick look around", club him over the head and take off again.
84. If the doctor asks you would you like to go somewhere nice/peaceful/tranquil/restful politely decline.
85. Anybody with a suspect Welsh-type accent and a dodgy beard or mask is the Master, run like f**k.
86. Every other alien in the universe has only a single name
87. Get your retaliation in first !
88. Everytime you land on Earth phone home and warn them about the invasion/attack/crisis thats about to happen, before it happens
89. Just when you think things can't get any worse...............
90. Electrified floors disguised cunningly as chessboards can be fun.
Alden Bates
91. If you're on a crashing space freighter, stay in the escape pod.
92. If you hang around Time Lords, expect aliens at your wedding.
93. If the Doctor starts getting tortured, you're in a Kate Orman novel.
94. If _everyone_ starts getting tortured, you're in a Mortimore novel.
95. If a cat looks at you hungrily, don't run.
96. Safe Time travel is an oxy-moron.
97. Co-ordinates 00000 can be virtually anywhere.
98. There's no such thing as sledgehammer morilising.
99. Don't take a job being a guard for anything important.
Richard Prekodravac
100. Don't eat the yellow dip
Daniel Frankham
101. Anyone who doesn't live in London:
a) lives in a mansion
or b) poaches
or c) has second sight
or d) worships Satan
or e) various combinations of the above
With a special note: if Scottish, plays bagpipes; if Welsh, works down t'pit, (or did afore they shut it down).
102. Aliens are always green, and come in threes.
103. Mining is the Universe's biggest industry
104. Species besides homo sapiens are usually either good or bad. The few morally ambivalent races have a pronounced class system.
105. Soldiers drink lots of tea, and never swear.
106. As you go through life, always remember not to stop and smell the plastic flowers.
107. Laughter is a universal language. Especially evil laughter.
108. Anyone who comes from outer space probably wants to kill, enslave, or eat us. Unless they have a sidekick wearing a miniskirt.
109. Sideburns good. Moustache good. Beard evil.
110. You can never solve a problem with guns. Try the bazooka instead.
Richard Develyn
111. Never let alien monsters bring you a cup of tea (or build meteor prediction computers).
112. If you meet a savage in Scotland, check her jewelry.
113. Madness, in scientists, is betrayed by their eyes.
114. Plastic tea trays mend enviromental domes.
115. Anyone dancing the Highland Fling is about to make a speedy exit.
116. If some lunatic tells you aliens are kidnapping children from your airport, believe him.
117. The Dr is NOT human (important)
118. You can't bargain with a Cyberman.
119. Yeti are not shy, timid creatures.
120. Loyalists side with alien invaders.
121. Don't start the TARDIS with the doors open.
122. If you've been hearing a beeping sound for some time check your pockets.
123. If in doubt scream at it (sometimes works).
124. Keep a spare supply of mercury (saves a lot of bother).
125. The Dr really IS NOT HUMAN (you should have learnt last time).
126. Lethal weapons are often kept in museums.
127. Never believe the scanner.
128. You can play billiards with nuclear weapons and Cyberman spaceships.
129. Umbrellas protect against corosive gas.
130. Monsters wont kill you if you tell them you're clever.
131. Like poles repel.
132. Always look in the obvious places (behind the picture, under the pillow, etc).
Dave Smith
133. ALWAYS check the scanner before entering a gang shoot out.
134. Reversing the polarity WORKS every time.
135. The Answer to Time travel CAN be found in a junkyard
136. The Old West is not where you want to be if you have a toothache
137. Always tip your hat to inanimate objects, because you never can tell if they're sentient.
Richard Daniel Henry
138. Aim for the eyepiece.
139. Build high for happiness.
140. Don't trust the dryfoots.
141. Resistance is useless.
142. Two hearts are better than one.
143. OTT Space Pirate Captains may be more than they seem.
144. Sexual reproduction is inefficient.
145. K-9 isn't water-proof.
146. Never grab a strange hand in a quarry.
147. Janet Fielding looks great in a purple uniform.
David Margerison
148. Always remember your Venusian lullaby's.
149. Never trust radar - it always misses alien invasions.
150. Always die in reverse polarity.
151. The Key to time has feelings too.
152. A sonic screwdriver in the hand is worth nothing if in the hands of a Terileptil.
153. Always rember where you parked your Tardis.
154. The means justify the end (of your self esteem)
155. All alien races are stupid.
156. Time is a confidance trick invented by the Swiss.
157. Always carry an umbrella - even in the middle of summer.
K. M. Wilcox
158But be prepared for a lot of really inane questions if you do. I get them all the time.
Chris Sweitzer
159. Unless you are a Timelord, don't eat the mushrooms.
Robert Marks
160. The scarf is one of the most useful things in the universe; never leave home without it
Marcus E. Durham
161 - Nyssa looks great without a skirt
162 - Nyssa looks great anyway
163 - If in doubt, write K9 out
164 - Beware of religious cults
165 - Beware of people with beards
Richard Augood
166. Don't trust the guy called "Het Remsat"
167. If it looks like you're going to be horribly killed by some lunatic alien, don't worry: "No, you will not die yet."
168. Ducts good; corridors bad.
169. It was written that one would come amongst every civilization, everywhere, ever.
170. If you see a policeman, give his nose a tug, just in case.
180. What this thing you humans call 'love' is.
181. The more futuristic a vehicle looks, the slower it'll go.
182. Don't worry if you're in a slow-moving, futuristic-looking vehicle - anyone chasing you will run even more slowly.
Thu, 31 Oct 1996
Marcus E. Durham
STOP PRESS: UK Gold announce new Who in November.
A BBC spokesman said: "You didnt think we would be as stupid as to stop making Who did you? No, we didnt stop making it, we just stopped showing it!"
The UK Gold run will commence with season 27. A season so secret that the people who wrote scripts for it didnt even know they had written them. Few details have been released, but we do know the first story is a retro 70's story and features a Crossroads cross-over. Unconfirmed reports suggest Benny will become the companion. Unconfirmed reports suggest Miss Diane will also join.
Fri, 1 Nov 96
Attribution lost
8. Don't go to a costume party at Dave Stone's dressed as a dolphin.
Jason
Trust me, Dave's told me about his parties. Just don't *go*! =-)
Dave Stone:
Was that the party with the clarified beef dripping and nipple clamps, or the one where people came as their favorite character from the Grattans catalogue?
Jason
I think I remember references to nipple clamps so I'd guess at the former...
Dave Stone
Took me ages to squeeze into that reinforced winciette teddy, I can tell you.
Jason
I bet, but at least you didn't have to keep performing that pose that some of the characters do where they smile at one of the others and point
to something out of the shot. Whats so damned interesting that they have to stop *working* to laugh about it? =-)
Wed, 30 Oct 1996
K. M. Wilcox
"And here in the Bathroom of Rassilon we find the Toilet of Rassilon, the Bidet of Rassilon, the Sink of Rassilon, the Shower of Rassilon (If only he used it.), and the Medicine Cabinet of Rassilon. Please don't look inside the cabinet, as you may find the Razor of Rassilon, the Toothbrush of
Rassilon, and a few of the other Toiletries of Rassilon. Oh, and under the sink is the Plunger of Rassilon."
Next week on "Lifestyles of the Powerful and Dead" we enter the Bedroom of Rassilon.
1 Nov 1996
Random Companion (On Regeneration)
Maybe it's something you don't do in front of members of the opposite sex, like changing clothes.
Jason
Bugger.
Robert Smith?
That too.
Daniel Frankham
From the Adelaide _Advertiser_ today:
[snip most of story about 2 fossickers getting to keep $400,000 they found buried at a Melbourne railway station]
"...Six other people claimed the money was theirs but Senior Detective Chris Gorissen said outside the court that five of them had dropped out of the race when they discovered it was going to court.
"The sixth claimant, who identified himself as Dr Who, said the money fell from his time machine."
Fri, 01 Nov 1996
James Bow
If you will recall the plot to the actual opera, Madame Butterfly, it's about a Japanese woman who falls in love with a European, who is so different, he might as well be an alien.
In this movie, Grace falls in love with an alien.
Robert Smith?
...who might as well be European! :-)
Sun, 3 Nov 96
Jason
Re: ********* FREE INTERNET ***********
Yes, *FREE* THE INTERNET! All over the world internets are being held
captive, locked in little boxes cunningly disguised as computers and
being fed spam through the air vents at the back. This is no way for
such a noble creature to live and being covered in shredded spam really
*is* undignified, believe me, I've tried it... oops!
Only you can help. The Society for Halting Internet Torment (S.H.I.T.) are trying to free these poor animals from their bonds but we need your support. Write to congress, write to Letterman, write to your granny, she hasn't had a letter off you in years, but most importantly, write to us. We are doing what we can but our finances are limited. Send your donations to:
S.H.I.T.
P.O. Box 141
Sheffield
England
SH1T
We accept cash, cheques, postal orders, VISA, Delta, Switch, Mastercard and Flavian Pobble Bead. Please make all cheques payable to "Jason's Interesting Toy Emporium
Sat, 02 Nov 1996
Slywy
There seem to be a lot of closet A-Team viewers out there. So why not start a useless thread about it?
Chris Sweitzer
sure...I love it when some fans come together
4 Nov 1996
Jon Blum
*Here's* a cheery thought for Colin fans -- it's actually possible to enjoy Colin Baker's time as the Doctor *without* bashing McCoy!
5 Nov 1996
Christopher D. Heer
I think it's more of a "leave that subject alone" sort of thing. Like Virgin and the Valeyard.
Phil Hallard
"Virgin and the Valeyard", eh? What a splendid title for a fanfic story. It would have to involve an encounter between the Doctor's dark thirteenth incarnation and... hmmm... Victoria, say?
Wed, 06 Nov 1996
Darryl W Gillikin
While I disagree with John Long on this, what I think he's referring to is the accompanying quote ("Commodore 64 freak and Random Companion's slave"). The above statement doesn't bother me at all (I find it very amusing, and it in fact makes me just a tad envious of you! :-) ).
Nick Caldwell
Phoowar! Those C64's, eh! Not a bad bit o' sillicon!
6 Nov 1996
Random Companion
Right, well I've got the suspicious yellow dip, a couple of bottles of ginger pop and the Worlds of Doctor Who CD. :) What's everyone else bringing?
Si Jerram
That Dip is so suspicious. I had one sample accuse me of putting my breadstick in some other cheese and chive mix.
Mon, 11 Nov 96
Nathanael C. Nerode
Kate Orman and John Peel co-writing an NA?
Robert Smith?
The Doctor sat, brooding, the purple bruise under his left eye beginning to welt. The cuts in his wrist were beginning to hurt, to hurt, ohgodtheywerehurtingsomuch, hurting, but he sat, still brooding, the pain contained. For now.
Goofily, the Doctor hopped from foot to foot, his umbrella swirling as he pointed happily to the ceiling. "You see that Ace! That's Skaro!"
The Doctor reeled from the shock as the pain and memories flooded through him. Skaro, which had been completely, finally and totally obliterated. It wasn't true, it *couldn't* have been true.
"Hee Hee!" laughed the Doctor, "I guess the daleks were smarter than me after all!". Ace smiled as well and thumped him on the back. "Right on, Professor" she laughed.
The Doctor shuddered as the wires that were attached to his skull began to do their work. He tried to close his mind, to shut out all memories of just who and *what* he was, but the pain was too intense. Ace's face leered in at him. "You bastard!" she spat.
"Well, I guess Skaro never really was destoyed then, huh Professor?" asked Ace, smiling sweetly. "That's right," confirmed the Doctor, hopping up and down where he'd accidentally stabbed himself in the toe with his umbrella.
"No, no, nooooo! It's not true. It's dead. It's *dead*!" screamed the Doctor through the pain.
"Oh no it isn't!" he giggled
"It is" he screamed, "It *is*".
"Oh no it isn't!" he giggled
Wed, 06 Nov 1996
Christopher Rednour
We'll be back with more on "Tests - and the RADW Posters Who Love Them" in a few minutes...
R. Dan Henry
Remember. Always practice safe testing.
6 Nov 1996
Randy/Jean-Marc Lofficier
Even worse! Have you noticed the brazen sign "WHO CARES" in the opening credits of MILLENIUM. If that's not Chris Carter crying to tell us something, I'll donate Marcus Durham's brain to an illegal organ transplant bank.
Peter Anghelides
Too late.
Fri, 8 Nov 1996
Jason
Dalek: a fictional robot-like creation that is aggressive, mobile, and produces rasping, staccato speech. [from a childrens television series, Dr Who]
Marcus E. Durham
Dalek?!?!?! You just decribed Yads :-)
Fri, 08 Nov 1996
Rob Stradling
There is a parallel universe in which Hollywood superstar Kate Orman plays the seventh Doctor, with Sylv McCoy as her trusty sidekick Willy Wonka.
Her debut story was THE COCOA BUTTER TERROR, which was soon eclipsed by the far superior sequel THE LEFT-HANDED LEMON CURD.
During her stint as the Doctor, Kate also appeared in several adverts for chocolate products, remebered for the catch phrase; "Ooh, nice tie, sir!". The makers of Dime Bar recently announced that they would be sponsoring a thirtieth anniversary story, with the proviso that Kate must perform the role as the jocular advertising character, rather than the angst-ridden, tragic Doctor familiar to hordes of fans.
Leading fandom writers are already predicting that TIE-MENTIONS IN DIME will be an embarrassing flop.
Stay Tuned!
6 Nov 1996
Marcus Durham
[Yads]
Your prof is false punch druk
[/Yads]
Simon Bevis
At the risk of incuring great psychological damage, could someone please translate the above??
Chris Rednour
*ahem*
Your proof, that which sustains your entire argument like the solid concrete foundation of a tall building, is - unfortunately - false, therefore indicating that your reasoning skills are impaired by a higher than normal level of punch - probably of dubious origin which opens up the possibility of the presence of a foreign, probably alcoholic, substance in said beverage - in your system, which is fatally impairing your brain's higher functions.
-The Yads Translator, v 9.1
6 Nov 1996
Liane
I've materialised by this great lake of Chocolate Sauce, and I've noticed that several groups of women take great delight in chasing a few men about (ouch! they've just tied up this curly haired chap with his own scarf!) and throwing them in. There are also several groups of men chasing women for the same questionnable purposes.
Other landmarks I've noticed:
Thu, 07 Nov 1996
Richard Prekodravac
There's a universe where you dress up as Mel. :-)
Er um.
I'm not saying it's this one. ;-D
Alden Bates
Piera
Alden Bates (Who's getting far too creative in a discussion group. Thankfully.)
[scene opens in the console room, Colin is pedalling furiously on the exerciser while Alden stands by in a cute yellow jumpsuit
holding a pocketwatch.]
Well, OK, I can bounce around and act cheerful, and I can wear a silly red wig, but there is no way I'd be able to scream that
well.
8 Nov 1996
Iain McCord
Fri, 08 Nov 1996
R. Dan Henry
9 Nov 1996
Jeff Gilson
Scene: A dark, smokey coffeehouse on Skaro. A number of Daleks, (the black and silver ones, not the white and gold ones. What was the last time you saw beatnik Daleks wearing white and gold? Sheesh.) are sitting around, drinking strong brew. There is a microphone in one corner. Slowly, one of the Daleks approaches the microphone. He (She? It?) is wearing a beret slightly askew toward his left light.
See what happens when you get me thinking?
Thu, 7 Nov 1996
Dave Stone
8 Nov 1996
Christopher D. Heer
Mon, 11 Nov 1996
Random Companion
Yads
Alden Bates.
13 Nov 1996
Si Jerram
Bill Thompson
Tue, 12 Nov 1996
R. Dan Henry
12 Nov 1996
Ian McIntire
Sat, 16 Nov 1996
Diane S
Chris Sweitzer
17 Nov 1996
Robert Smith?
Sat, 16 Nov 1996
Robert Smith?
Brigadier Nathan Rogers
Alden Bates.
Marcus Durham
Alden: Im Alden
That joke was written by Alden Bates. I told him to post it on the newsgroup, but he refused. So I've done it for him :-)
Fri, 15 Nov 1996
15 Nov 1996
Robert Smith?
Fri, 15 Nov 1996
David Margerison
Fri, 15 Nov 1996
Marcus E. Durham
Sun, 17 Nov 1996
Jason A. Miller
18 Nov 1996
Brett O'Callahan
18 Nov 1996
Robert Smith?
Sat, 16 Nov 1996
Paul Gadzikowski
18 Nov 1996
Mon, 18 Nov 1996
Mon, 18 Nov 1996
12 Nov 1996
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Wed, 13 Nov 1996
Alden Bates<>
I repeat, if anyone follows up just to say something nasty about The Pit, I _will_ scream. >:-)
R. Dan Henry
Alden Bates
Now, you're not going to do that again, are you?
13 Nov 1996
Nah, it doesn't quite scan, does it?
R. Dan Henry
Jeffrey Willia Vail
Let us go then, you and I,
That is not who I exterminated.
In the room the Daleks come and go
Then love, let us exterminate each other
I want an eyestalk, an uncommon want
Of the Doctor's first disobedience I sing,
"I fear thee, ancient Time Lord,
Alfred, Lord Exterminate
Fri, 15 Nov 1996
Aidan Alexander Folkes
[Scene: TARDIS exterior. Blobby and Daleks, present no Doctor]
Cue Noel Edmonds who is one of the Daleks.
Sat, 16 Nov 1996
14 Nov 1996
Twas two-three November
Mon, 18 Nov 1996
18 Nov 1996
Chris Rednour
Mon, 18 Nov 1996
Terisa Lambert
19 Nov 1996
Nicholas Kaufmann
Sat, 23 Nov 1996
Sat, 23 Nov 1996
Stephen Crocker
Sat, 23 Nov 1996
Thu, 21 Nov 1996
Thu, 21 Nov 1996
Alden Bates.
20 Nov 1996
Robert Smith?
Wed, 20 Nov 1996
R. Dan Henry
Wed, 20 Nov 1996
Master: I have you trapped Doctor
I saw a Dalek on my screen,
Thu, 21 Nov 1996
21 Nov 1996
Robert Smith?
"Go on then, dear boy, why don't you, erm, do it, yes? You like guns, my dear boy, don't you? Well, go on, pull the trimmer, er trigger, end my life, hmm? Life killing, er, life. Oh yes, oh dearie me, yes. Look me in the eye, hmm? Simple, my dear boy, simple! Pull the trigger, end a, erm, yes end it."
21 Nov 1996
Robert Smith?
Thu, 21 Nov 1996
Dennis McLaughlin
22 NOV 96
Bruce Greenwood
22 NOV 96
Thu, 21 Nov 1996
Trina L. Short
21 Nov 1996
Michael J. Jones
Fri, 22 Nov 1996
Fri, 22 Nov 1996
Alden Bates
Deirdre Barlow
Sat, 23 Nov 1996
Chris Sweitzer
Fri, 22 Nov 1996
Brigadier Nathan Rogers
Chris Sweitzer
Sun, 24 Nov 1996
Paul Shields
Marcus E. Durham
22 Nov 1996
Mac: "Well, I've got this idea for a script. You see, dinosaurs from the past are roaming freely around central London"
Fri, 22 Nov 1996
Anyone going to own up? (posted via dejanews)
Tue, 26 Nov 1996
David J. A. Lewis
Tue, 26 Nov 96
Simon Gray
Thu, 21 Nov 1996
Wed, 27 Nov 1996
Mon, 25 Nov 1996
Paul Chan
David J. A. Lewis
Paul Chan
Jeremy J L Douglas
David J. A. Lewis
Paul Chan
David J. A. Lewis
Paul Chan
Aidan Alexander Folkes
26 Nov 1996
Wed, 27 Nov 1996
Christopher D. Heer
Distant Dave
Thu, 28 Nov 1996
Yads
If you have any corrections email me
This page version 1.4, last updated 5th January 1999
Er, hrep,
There's a universe where you *are* Mel. Doesn't that just blow your mind?
Doctor Who:Terror of the Vervoids
Starring:
Colin Baker as the Doctor
Alden Bates as Melanie Bush
In unison: thirty one, thirty two....
[Alden wanders off momentarity. Colin stops pedalling]
Colin: thirty three, thirty four....
[Alden re-enters]
Alden: Here, drink this.
Colin: CARROT JUICE?!?!?!?!
Alden: Yup, it'll stop you posting so much and stop you rating so high in the stats.
Colin: Have you looked at my sig recently?
Alden: Look, when you hit number one in the volume stats, then you can worry. Drink up before I incite another flamewar.
Oh wait, in an alternate universe I _can_ scream that well. [grins happily]
R.C.W. PARKER
Yes, so swivel on that one BBC! I bet that pissed off a few high ups didn't it - Barbara Windsor looked very pissed off at the back when McCoy and Davison got up to collect the award.
Well she had been tipped of that a relic from the sixties was in line for the award.
Jonathan E Andrews
The key here is accepting that Dr.Who is a work of fiction.
[sticking my fingers in my ears and humming] I can't hear you. I can't hear you.
Alden Bates
The Book of Dalek Poetry
Oh, darnit, now you've got me thinking weird things.
Dalek: THIS IS MY POEM. I CALL IT "SUPERIOR."
WE ARE THE SUPERIOR BEINGS
YOUR DEFENSES ARE USELESS
EXTERMINATE!!!
EXTERMINATE!!!
A round of applause goes up around the coffeehouse. (Don't ask me how, just accept it.)
Random Companion
David Duchovny & Gillian Anderson?
To which the standard response is: Fwhooorgh!
And she's not bad either.
Yads
BTW Hoser, GREAT list, as good as the official Clubs' Listing for r.a.dw found on nl2k.edmonton.ab.ca
I find myself compelled to make a sentence from the following words: "damned," "praise," "with," and "faint."
Alden Bates.
Shhhhh, don't tell the New Zealand government, but the stats threads are actually nuclear powered. I've got a Taranium power
core in the basement.
Clueful Merkin. He's an afper.
?????????????????????????????????
Here's a switch, Yadallee can't work out what someone else has said.
Perhaps we should frame this post.
Simon Bevis
Has anyone got some tips in understanding Yads??
1. Get drunk. This doesn't help if your computer is in a public place.
Punt druNK?
Bruce Alan Greenwood
Coming soon to BBC2 - The Yads Files. Yes, a new children's television show starring the world's most incoherent Canadian. Watch as he beats up Republicans and saves the Royal Family, howl with laughter at his "punt DRunk" speech, and then furrow your brow when he tries to say almost anything.
You know, this could almost work...
And it has a better chance of being made than new Who. :-(
Alice Steinke
Who is Michael Jayston?
No, Who is Paul McGann. Who *will be* Michael Jayston.
Slywy
Yes. She met Adric once, and in remembrance of his death, smeared yellow dip all over her body as a symbolic gesture of the sex they had together.
Sex sold separately.
("Batteries not included" remark deleted by the RADW D-notice office) :)
Darrell Patterson
At the moment my all time favourite band is:
THE CURE
Aw, shucks.
Marcus Durham
No, dont get Aidan started about cats! :-)
It's the sheep *I'm* worried about... :-)
Alden Bates : The Sheep Within
Coming this fall to Fox
Me? Fall off a sheep? Never!
No, no. We have an Alden and we have an Aidan:
[cue music from Muppets]
Aidan: Im Aidan
Together: We're two of a kind
Aidan: I post about PAL
Alden: And I lust after Mel!
David J. A. Lewis
I have really got into anagrams lately (not that you really want to know that, get back to the point) and I decided to try some anagrams of DW, what do you think:
rec.arts.drwho - crow dr haters
dr who - how dr
doctor who - hot rod cow
william hartnell - will martian hell
patrick troughton - outright crankpot
jon pertwee - we torn jeep
tom baker - kerb atom
peter davison - inverted soap
colin baker - eclair knob
sylvester mccoy - cry comely vests
paul mcgann - clap gunman
Brigadier Nathan Rogers
Eeeek! No more jokes? How will we survive without jokes?
Well, you've been managing pretty well for some time now...
David J. A. Lewis
Just as a matter of interest what Zodiac sign are the Doctors, taken as the day they regenerated ?
The Doctor's starsign is Pyrex - he was a test tube baby ;-)
Angus Gulliver
Interestingly, in 1993 Sky television said (jokingly) that the BBC must be run by the Daleks if they don't do new Who.
I put this theory to the test by writing to "Davros C/O BBC TV Centre"
I got a reply from viewer and listener correspondance...
Yeah, thats what happend last time I wrote to Alan Yentob :-)
Next time I plan to write to The Supreme Dalek.
Yads
Here at the Party.
Yads can cry if he wants to, cry if he wants to, CRY if he wants to.
You would cry too if Yads happened to you!
John Long
holy shit, this is the longest sig I've ever seen
Then you've never seen...
_
__( )_ While Eeyore frets ...
( (o____ and Piglet hesitates ...
| | and Rabbit calculates ...
| (__/ and Owl pontificates
\ / ___
/ \ \___/ ...Pooh just is.
/ ^ / \
| | |__|_HUNNY |
| \______)____/ pooh@pooh.corner
\ / ------------------------
\ /_ (dennis@eng.utoledo.edu)
| ( __)
(____)
_
__( )_ "Oh, bother!" said Pooh.
( (o____
| | "I have eaten too much honey, and
| (__/ I can't get out of this .sig!
\ / ___ Whatever am I to do?"
/ \ \___/
/ ^ / \
| | |__|_HUNNY |
| \______)____/
\ /
\ /_
| ( __)
(____)
_
__( )_ "That's okay." said Rabbit, whose life
( (o____ was made up of important things.
| |
| (__/ "I'll just take away your
\ / ___ honey jar, and let |\ /\
/ \ \___/ you out when you've | ||||
/ ^ / \ lost enough weight." | |||| ________
| | |__|_HUNNY | / | / / \
| \______)____/ @ @ \/ _ \
\ / =>X<= / \
\ /_ \ | |\
| ( __) | |_______\ |/
(____) /___/ /______/
_
__( )_ "Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.
( (o____
| | "Thank you, Rabbit."
| (__/
\ / |\ /\
/ \ | ||||
/ ^ \ | |||| ________
| | |____\ / | / / \
| \______) _____ @ @ \/ _ \
\ / \___/=>X<= / \
\ /_ / \ \ | |\
| ( __) | HUNNY | | |_______\ |/
(____) \_____/ /___/ /______/
_
__( )_ And so, Rabbit went on his merry way.
( (o____
| |
| (__/
\ / /\ /|
/ \ |||| |
/ ^ \ ________ |||| |
| | |____\ / \ \ | \
| \______) / _ \/ @ @ _____
\ / / \ =>X<= \___/
\ /_ /| | / / \
| ( __) \| /________| |_ | HUNNY |
(____) \________\ \___\ \_____/
_
__( )_
( (o____
| |
| (__/
\ / /\ /|
/ \ |||| |
/ ^ \ ________ |||| |
| | |____\ / \ \ | \
| \______) / _ \/ @ @ __
\ / / \ =>X<= \_
\ /_ /| | / /
| ( __) \| /________| |_ | HU
(____) \________\ \___\ \__
_
__( )_
( (o____
| |
| (__/
\ / /\
/ \ ||||
/ ^ \ ________ ||||
| | |____\ / \ \ |
| \______) / _ \/
\ / / \
\ /_ /| |
| ( __) \| /________|
(____) \________\ \_
_
__( )_
( (o____
| |
| (__/
\ /
/ \
/ ^ \
| | |____\
| \______)
\ /
\ /_
| ( __)
(____)
_
__( )_ And by-and-by, Pooh would entertain
( (o____ himself by humming tunes and thinking
| | about the shitload of honey he would
| (__/ eat once he was thin enough to get
\ / out of here.
/ \
/ ^ \
| | |____\
| \______)
\ /
\ /_
| ( __)
(____)
_
__( )_
( (o____
| |
| (__/
\ /
/ \
/ ^ \
| | |____\
| \______)
\ /
\ /_
| ( __)
(____)
_
__( )_
( (o____
| |
| (__/
\ /
/ \
/ ^ \
| | |____\
| \______)
\ /
\ /_
| ( __)
(____)
_
__( )_
( (o____
| |
| (__/
\ /
/ \
/ ^ \
| | |___\
| \______)
\ /
\ /_
| ( __)
(____)
_
__( )_ One day, Pooh's friend Piglet
( (o____ came to visit.
| |
| (__/ "My goodness, Pooh!" _
\ / gasped Piglet. _<_/_
/ \ __/ _>
/ ^ \ "You certainly have '\ ' |
| | |___\ lost some weight!" \___/
| \______) /+++\
\ / o=|..|..|
\ /_ | o/..|
| ( __) 0==|+++++|
(____) 0======/
_
__( )_ "Yes," agreed Pooh.
( (o____
| | "I am still too big to
| (__/ get out of this .sig file." _
\ / _<_/_
/ \ __/ _>
/ ^ \ '\ ' |
| | |___\ \___/
| \______) /+++\
\ / o=|..|..|
\ /_ | o/..|
| ( __) 0==|+++++|
(____) 0======/
_
__( )_ "Well good luck to you." said Piglet.
( (o____
| |
| (__/ _
\ / _<_/_
/ \ __/ _>
/ ^ \ '\ ' |
| | |___\ \___/
| \______) /+++\
\ / o=|..|..|
\ /_ | o/..|
| ( __) 0==|+++++|
(____) 0======/
_
__( )_ "What I wouldn't give for
( (o____ a ham sandwich." said Pooh.
| |
| (__/
\ /
/ \
/ ^ \
| | |___\
| \______)
\ /
\ /_
| ( __)
(____)
_
__( )_
( (o____
| |
| (__/
\ /
/ \
/ ^ \
| | |___\
| \______)
\ /
\ /_
| ( __)
(____)
_
__( )_
( (o____
| |
| (__/
\ /
/ \
| ^ \
| | |__\_
| \______)
\ /
\ /_
| ( __)
(____)
_
__( )_
( (o____
| |
| (__/
\ /
/ \
| ^ \
| | |_\__
| \______)
\ /
\ /_
| ( _)
(____)
_
__( )_
( (o____
| |
| __/
\ /
/ \
| ^ \
| | |\__
| \_____)
\ /
\ /_
| ( _)
(____)
_
_( )_
( (o____
| |
| __/
\ /
/ \
| ^ \
| | |__
| \____)
\ /
\ /_
| ( _)
(____)
_
_( )_ "I'm getting weak!" said Pooh.
( (o____
| | "Where the fuck is Rabbit?!?!"
| __/
\ /
| \
| ^ \
| | |__
| \____)
\ /
| /_
| ( _)
(____)
_
( )_
( (o____
| |
| __/
\ /
| \
| ^ \
|| |__
| \____)
\ /
| /_
| ( _)
(____)
_ "I gotta sit down." gasped Pooh.
( )_
( (o____
| |
| __/
\ /
| \
| ^ \
|| |_ _
| \___)/ )
\______/
_
( )_ "Fuckin' Rabbit."
( (o___
| |
| __/
\ /
| \
|^ \
| |_ _
|\___)/ )
\______/
()_ "I'm gonna kill that sonofabitch."
( (o___
| |
| __/
\ /
| \
|^ \
| |_ _
|\___)/ )
\______/
()_ "Not much time left..."
( (o__
| 7
| _/
\ /
| |
|^\
| |_ _
|\__)/ )
\_____/
"ARRRRGGGGG...."
_
| \ _
|x| |-----__/ )
()___ ___)_____/
_
| \ _
|x| |-----__/ )
()___ ___)_____/
"Oh shit!" said Rabbit.
|\ /\
"I forgot all about the | ||||
poor fucker." | |||| ________
/ | / / \
@ @ \/ _ \
_ =>X<= / \
| \ _ \ | |\
|x| |-----__/ ) | |_______\ |/
()___ ___)_____/ /___/ /______/
John Long
Now wait a minute, the Drashig is one of the most realistic monsters I've ever seen on DW.
This, of course, is true, once you define "realistic" to mean "looking as much like an accordion as possible".
Keith Topping
Pertwee was *rubbish* though, wasn't he? I mean, come on - be serious - he couldn't act his way out of a paper bag!
Nonsense. That's exactly what he does when he exits the Axon spaceship.
Chris Rednour
Two "I"'s in the subject line makes you seem to be a very egotistical poster.
On favourite companions:
Chris. He tried to save me from burning to death in "Sleepy," for which my spirit will always be grateful.
Eric "But marks off, Mr. Cwej, for failing" Gjovaag
Marcus Durham
Gween is the colour.
Stahlman is my name
We're all together
And Primords is our aim.
So join us here for the fun and games
'Cause Stahlman, Stahlman is my name.
The Kedamono Dragon
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I'm sorry, Alden, I can't answer your question. BTW, I didn't much like the Pit. (Covers ears and runs) :-)
Oh no.....
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Keith Topping
A DALEK LIMERICK:
There once was a Dalek called Dalek
Who exterminated everybody...
FAILING TO SCAN IS A SIGN OF AN IN-FER-IOR PO-ET. EXTERMINATE!!!
I met a traveller from an antique land
And exterminated him.
While the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a prisoner exterminated upon a table.
That is not who I exterminated at all.
Exterminating Michelangelo
For we are here as on a darkling plain
swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight
where rebel Dalek factions clash by night.
When every assembly-period seems to bring forth another
And all the times he kicked our polycarbide arses...
I fear thy skinny scarf,
For thou art long, and lank, and odd,
As is poor Mawdryn's barf.
Marcus Durham
But lets face it, JNT would employ Mr Blobby if he thought it might help the ratings. ;-)
[Scene: TARDIS interior]
Doctor: Stay in the TARDIS and watch out for the Daleks.
Blobby: Blooby BloobY Blooby
[Doctor Leaves]
[Blooby carears about the console room and bumps in to the wall. It visably moves ( Cheap BBC sets ) ]
Console: BLEEP! BLEEP!
Blobby: Blooby Blooby Blooby
[Runs to console. Knocks it over at which juncture the viewer opens to a scene of Daleks]
Blobby:Blobby Blobby Blobby
[Exits TARDIS]
Lead Dalek:TAKE US TO THE DOCTOR OR YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED!
Blobby:Blobby BloooooBy
[Blobby jumps on Dalek and knocks it to the floor]
Dalek:HELP, HELP, CAN NOT MOVE, CAN NOT MOVE. I AM IMOBILISED.
[Dalek Self Destructs]
[Other Daleks Trundle away as fast as possible]
[Blobby runs after them but comically falls over the Doctor who looks totally bemused]
Noel:GOTCHA!
Doctor:You Bastard!
[Gets out sonic screwdriver and destroys the Beard of Evil(TM)]
[Everybody Laughs]
[Go to Credits]
John Peel
Ed, don't worry about it. If you got the impression from the book that I thought dolphins were fish, then it's my fault.
Jim Vowles
And all through the net
Not a whovian was typing
(They weren't ready yet.)
The young ones were peeping from behind the sofas--
They stay there, apparently, until the show's over--
And Kate way Down Under, and Jon in Columbia
were chatting online with a guy from Northumbria
Then out on the net, there arose such a clatter,
We all logged on immediately to seewhat was the matter
When what to the RADWers should suddenly appear
But a new guy from UK, and I don't mean Chris Heer
His sig how it sparked, his banter, how merry
but he called Alden a Commie, and Dave Stone, a fairy.
He's tortured poor Jim, who took recourse in verse
He's annoyed even Marcus, and caused Lori to curse
In whining and bitching, even Brett got outdone
And Peel ceased his writing and pulled out a gun!
Poor Ian was livid, Jeff Beuck broke his mouse;
Simon Bevis threatened arson (his mail, not his house!).
RJ Smith and Slywy logged out with disdain
Even Random Companion won't post near that name
Poor Topping, poor Roberts, poor Wigufll and Henry
Poor Jason, and Richard (whose last name is not in my memory),
McCaffrey says newsgroups now have no appeal
(To anyone other--of course--than Jill Deel).
His name always changes, be it Doctor or Golding
His politics annoy us, his ventings deranged
And if he got married, it must be arranged
But I heard him exclaim before he logged off that night,
Happy Whoniversary to all, and remember--Vote Right!
John Long
There's nothing like a rant from a well-informed individual.
I should know.
Brendan Schmidt
~
Oh my giddy Aunt! Everybody back away from the newsgroup slowly. Its the TILDE OF RASSILON, and we're all in trouble now*
Yads
Take a TARDIS to the quarrel.
This has got to be one of the more amusing things Yads has said. And it's coherent too! What a minute? Has hell frozen over? Be right back. I've got to go check. ;-)
Yads
Take a TARDIS to the quarrel.
Or, you could take a TARDIS to the quarry; I'm sure the coordinates are well-saved.
Paul "Ozymandias" Harman
Happy Birthday to Who,
Happy Birthday to Who,
Happy Birthday dear Doctor,
Happy Birthday to Who!
Attrib Lost
Meet Nicholas Courtney who played the Brigadier and Dave Prowse who played Darth Vader in star wars,
Chap in black cape and funny helmet there. Five rounds rapid!
Marcus E. Durham (re US coverage of the anniversary)
We'll get the UK media to cover it though. We're gonna dress Jason up as the 6th Doc and use Superglue to stick him to the outside of TV Centre. 6 Floors up! :-)
Rob Stradling (On the "Chat with Klingons" crosspost)
Chat with Klingons, five rounds rapid... ?
Attribution lost
I Saw half a Dalek in the shop
I just read the subject line as "I saw half a Dalek in my soup" and told my subconscious mind to kindly sod off.
R. Dan Henry
The TARDIS has excellent taste. And incompetance? Let's see you pilot a TARDIS better, Smith?
If you check the New Adventure Birthright, you will clearly see that the account Bernice opens in Victorian England bears the name "R. J. Smith, Esq". Positive proof that I can travel in time.
azaxyr
Aw, go away you Jew.
It is by engaging intellects of the caliber of azaxyr that Jon Blum has built a reputation as a dazzling debater and unlimited wit. The power of comparison, you see. That's why I always follow up a few Yads-posts when I fear anyone may be doubting my sanity. :-)
David J. A. Lewis (On Who would make a good Doctor)
I also think Richard Wilson.
Doctor: I don't believe it.
all pink, with spots of blue and green.
I saw green Zarbi,
and an orange cow.
I think I'll stop taking acid now.
David J. A. Lewis (On What if Hat-trick made Dr Who)
I wonder who'd star, any ideas ?
A few suggestions:
The Doctor - Paul Merton
The Master - Rory McGrath (well he has got a beard)
The Rani - Josie Lawrence
The Valeyard - Clive Anderson
The Admiral
I still love to fantasize about the timeline in which Colin Baker's Doctor is the Doctor in all of Tom Baker's stories. :-)
I like to fantasize about the timeline in which William Hartnell's Doctor is the Doctor in all of Sylvester McCoy's stories:
Attribution lost
Men screamed? I don't remember that.
I seem to remember Adric screaming now and again, but I'm not sure he fits the general definition of "men" :-)
John Long
I feel cheated (being a big Pertwee fan) that the third doctor never got a chance to kick some Cybermen ass. Why did the writers miss this opportunity? It's a bit sad really - they're my favorite villains.
DOCTOR WHO - SILVER OVERCOMPENSATION
DocThree: Ah, Sarah Jane, just what I need, an afternoon of
skydiving and mountain climbing, since I'm as capable of
that as any younger man!
[suddenly Cybermen attack]
Leader: Get the old man. He doesn't look strong enough or capable
enough to resist.
[smacks fist into palm]
We shall have his time ship!
CyberLt.: Yes, Leader
Leader: Excellent.
DocThree: Why, I'm as hearty as a man half my age!
[DocThree throws gold on the Cybermen, and they collapse dead]
Sarah: Doctor, you did it!
DocThree: Indeed, Sarah Jane, just like a young man.
[credits]
[Exit chased by a bear]
slywy
At the risk of sounding really stupid (moreso than usual), whatever did happen to Deel?
Well, at the end of the last story, we saw her being taken away in the body of a giant shadow ve-
What?
Oh. Sorry, wrong reality.
Bruce Greenwood
Just to keep you posted, PFJ is the amazingly funny and humourous chap who put a whacky and fun filled joke on his page claiming that Paul McGann had appeared on a new British cable channel and said that the BBC was making new Doctor Who some time next year. A few killjoys got a tad annoyed when they discovered that he was in fact pulling their legs after 3 or 4 weeks of happiness, and so he told everyone he was doing it for charity.
And so we despise the bastard.
Jeffery Beuck
And besides, McCoy is my favorite Doctor, not Pertwee.
The man has taste. Hmmmmm - I think it's chocolate.
Christopher D. Heer
YAY YAY YAY!
THEY'RE FINALLY RE-RELEASING THE OLD ONES!
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Iä! Cthulhu Ftagn! The Stars are right! Iä! Iä!
Trina L. Short
[SINGING]
B is for Benny, she's good enough for me.
B is for Benny, I wish she'd been on TV.
Benny Benny Benny starts with B!
[/SINGING]
Marcus Durham
What legal implications?
Don't worry Marcus, the BBC are just tracking down all of the people on the Net with Who stuff, storming their houses and tearing
down their web pages. Nothing to worry about unless you run the umtsdw home page or something like that. ;-)
My name is Deirdre Barlow and I dont know what your talking about :-)
Trina L. Short
Not much choice? Out of Mel, Ace, Benny, Roz, and Chris, I'll take Benny any day! :)
Perhaps we should start our own club...the BWNA (Benny Worshippers Non-Anonymous). Or perhaps we should just abbreviate it BWA, so we can expand it to BWA-HA-HA (Benny Worshippers Association, Here Always, Her Admirers)
Alden Bates
RADW posts are like baked alaska. Flamey on the outside and soft and gooey on the inside.
Oh no! Alden is turning into Forrest Gump.
:: thinks a bit ::
Let's make a movie about him :)
[ACTION!]
My Mel always said "Life is like a box of Whizzo chocolates...you never know when your going to find something that makes you start screaming."
[CUT!]
:)
Random Companion
Camber Sands has a lovely beach. We could go Dalek Hunting in the dunes, or have a game of cricket. Have to find something for the Trekkers to do, though.
Perhaps we could hunt them?
LOL
BTW you dont actually need to hunt them. Just tell them that Trek isnt real life and they start spinning round and eventually explode :-)
Robert Smith?
Personally, I'm giving my "straight-face" award to a three-way tie of Malcolm Hulke, Terrance Dicks and Barry Letts:
Barry: "Yes, you know, I think we *could* do that convincingly on our budget..."
Terry: "Can they be gween?"
Jonathan Blum
I will agree that it's depressing that Tegan didn't get to use the skills a flight attendant has in her stories -- these people are incredibly well-trained in survival issues!
Tegan: Would anyone like some peanuts?
Adric: Yes, please!
Tegan: Well tough, we 'aven't got any. Now, if we encounter any swirly things, you should bend over and put your head between
your legs...
Adric: Can I put my head between Nyssa's--
Nyssa: [slap!]
Tegan: Brat.
Doctor: [sigh]
Simon Gray
What are girls...?
They're the other (semi-)intelligent species on the planet, the ones the Doctor will never resemble after he's regenerated.
Marcus Durham
The meet will be a joint UMTSDW, RADW, demon.local meet. I believe it to be the first joint Who/demon.local meet ever.
...so remember, people, make sure those scarves are no longer than 4 lines long !
Marcus E. Durham
I know a Compusocks user who insists its called Usernet. So he's not only clueless, rich but also has an inability to read :-)
Si Jerram
Organ Donor Card.
In the event of my untimely death I should like the following body parts to be reused:
The lenses of my eyes, so that someone may see again.
My Kidneys so someone does not have to undergo painful dialysis.
My heart to give someone new life.
and my sense of humour to enable some RADW reader to lighten up.
David J. A. Lewis
(On casting people from Whose Line Is It Anyway in Who)
I wonder who'd star, any ideas ?
A few suggestions
The Doctor - Paul Merton
Poor Cybermen. ;) They'll be browbeaten into submission.
The Master - Rory McGrath (well he has got a beard)
What about Angus Deighton with a goatee beard? Rory is most definately my candidate for Savalon Glitz.
Surely Angus Deighton looks and sounds much too bored and cynical to be the Master. What about Borusa or the President of the High Council?
"And this weeks Dead Daleks are The Masters team on 10 points, but this weeks Super Cybermen are The Doctors team on 14 points"
The Rani - Josie Lawrence
How about Leslie Joseph?
The Valeyard - Clive Anderson
Oooer.. I'd find it hard to keep a stright face under cross-examination though.
I challenge anyone to find a role for Ian Hislop.
How about Davros. He is short, ugly, thinks he is funny and always loses to Paul Merton. :-)
Bart T. Lammey
"Biting me is irrelevant. Fun is irrelevant. Nothing really matters. Anyone can see. Nothing really matters. To me."
Marcus Durham
For a start we could argue that its not commercially viable.
Gee, Marcus, where was that attitude when I was trying to convince you why the BBC wouldn't make any more Who on its own?
Christopher D. Heer
Licence to be smug with hindsight.
Andy Williams
please ignore, this is a test.
Brigadier Nathan Rogers
That's like asking Yads to make sense and Becker to shut up about the Pit ;)
I swear, I will mincemeat you in public. 
The Panatropic Index. Random's Index The Doctor Who Quotefile Index The Main Quotefile Index Go Back to the old alt.fan.pratchett/rec.arts.drwho quotefile. Go On to the January 97 Quotefile.