The Key
by Phantom (phantom1313 at tfrid dot com)
This is a parody of Deep Space Nine and little nuances that I and my friends have picked out and laughed at. I originally wrote it as an assignment for a creative writing class, keeping the nature of the Key a secret at first. Writing parodies about my favorite shows, particularly Deep Space Nine, is great fun, but many of the satiric elements are based on inside jokes. I will now attempt to explain the jokes. Foremost is the amount of time that the crew spends in Quark's bar, leading to their obsession with alcohol, and despite all the other varieties available, they still prefer beer. Another element of satire, one that is less obvious, is Sisko's clock that he built in the first-season episode "Dramatis Personae." He seemed so pleased with it that it grew into a constant obsession for him, leading the rest of the crew to despise it and make many attempts to destroy it. Beware, this story is extremely strange.
Disclaimer: Star Trek is the property of Paramount. Calm down, guys, this is nowhere near professional quality.
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"Oh, look!" exclaimed Julian Bashir in his smooth accent. "I've discovered the key!"
"The question is, what are you going to do with it?" asked Miles O'Brien. "That key is practically a symbol of corruption. If you make use of it, you'll forever be a fugitive running from the law."
Bashir replied, "Yes, I see your point. But it's such a dilemma! The temptation to use it is great. I've always wondered where the key was hidden. Now I know! We can use the key together! Join me in my life on the lam!"
"Well, all right, Bashir," O'Brien agreed. "But you know Odo will kill us after he realizes we've found the key to his wine cellar and raided all his booze!"
Bashir cried, "Cheerio, and break out the drinks!"
"Oh, no!" whispered O'Brien. "Here comes Odo!"
"Get rid of the key!" Bashir hissed.
"Good morning, gentlemen," greeted the constable.
"Good morning, Odo!" they chorused.
"How's your beer been lately?" asked O'Brien. Bashir gave him an elbow in the ribs.
Odo looked at him suspiciously. "It's just fine. Now if you'll excuse me, I have work to do."
The two men breathed a sigh of relief as Odo passed on into his office.
"What did you do with the key?" asked Bashir.
"Uh, I put it in Odo's office."
"You what?" gasped Bashir. "Now we'll never get his beer!"
Odo entered his office with a melancholy air. He had lost his skeleton key, and he had a craving for his beer. He cried out in surprise when he discovered the key on his desk. Heavenly music played as he reverently picked up his key and cradled it.
"This is even better than spying on Quark!" he exclaimed. "This key fits into any lock in existence. I can do anything with it. I can even break into Sisko's clock case and destroy it!"
Quivering with excitement, Odo raced out of his office. In his haste he didn't pay attention to where he was going and bumped into Jake Sisko.
"My key!" he wailed. "Jake! This is all your fault! With that key we could've destroyed your father's clock!"
Jake dropped to all fours, searching frantically for the key. "I can't find it!" he wailed.
Quark saw the key on the floor. Suppressing his ecstasy, he whistled casually, sauntering towards them. With a deft flick of the wrist, he swiped the key and scurried back to his bar. With a crow of triumph, he held it in the air. He could get into any locked area on the station! Think of the profit!
The key was snatched form his grasp. With a startled cry, he looked up. Sisko flashed a satanic grin as he dashed away.
Sisko looked at the key with reverent awe as he ran. He had the world in his hands! The possibilities were endless!
He turned his head and heard angry shouts behind him. The others, drawn by the allure of the key, gave in to the corruption and crooked influence of all it entailed in the promise of infinite possibilities.
The End
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