Kenneth J. Sliviak

A note of precaution to all readers of this work, please be advised that this is a work of fiction! It was not written to be taken seriously, or as a prediction of things to come. I wrote this work as a joke and as a way to make fun of myself and many of my crazy and eccentric quirks. The whole notion that this work is a joke is clearly evident from the title. The very idea that I would be willing to become a parent, by adoption of course, and decide to attempt to raise a daughter should be enough to cause many of my friends and associates to burst out laughing. By the way isn't there some really weird and deranged ghost story that starts that way (coughs Leslie?).

Anyway, one reason why I decided to write this was to bring to life one of my most favorite sayings about myself, "remember what I am going to do in a given situation is not important, but what is important is what I am capable of doing". Using this quote as a starting point I devised all these nasty little tests I could put the imaginary boyfriends of my hypothetical daughter through. As many of my friends can testify I am fully capable of pulling off many if not all of these trials right now however, I would like to assure everyone now that while I may be crazy and a bit eccentric I would never really put someone through all of them. (Heck give me some credit, I came up with some really good ones that are not that "evil".) Of course I have been told by some of my associates that should I ever decide to make this work a reality the biggest opposition would come from the previously mentioned hypothetical daughter. Many of my good friends already know how easily my arm bends and twists on its own, and in many cases I would already be wrapped around someone's finger from day one, so in reality should the hilarious idea of me raising a daughter ever did become a reality (oh please God don't be that cruel) the title of this work would have to be changed from "So . . . you want to DATE my daughter?" to "So . . . you DON'T want to date my daughter?"

Hopefully by now I have convinced all you readers that this is nothing more than a work of fiction, and that I am not going to use this "guide" as standard operating procedure for future events involving hypothetical daughters and their imaginary boyfriends. With that said I would like to invite you all on the wonderful journey through my crazy little part of the world and view the notion of children growing up through my eyes, the eyes of a highly overprotective single dad who only wants the best for his precious daughter.

If however, I have not convinced you yet that this work is only fiction and that I would never put someone through all of these trials then there is no convincing you. I encourage you to read on anyway, trust me it is worth it. You can yell at me and mock me all you want when you are done. To be honest all I really care about is if you found some humor in this work, or at least picked up on some of the inside jokes. Many of the hints and nuances, not to mention the trials themselves, have an entirely different meaning for my friends and people who know me far too well. With that said, read on and enjoy! 

Introduction

Part 1: My daughter?

Overview

The Test of Identity

The Test of the "Holidays"

Challenge of the Bards

The Test of Wits

The Test of Culture

The Test of Adaptability/ Survival Skills

Overview

Waiver Form

The Test of Identity (slightly more complicated)

Welcome to my home

Big "Sister" Immunity

The Trials of Lingo

The Test of Lineage

The Test of Humility/ Service

The Trials of FEMA

The Test of the Shrubbery ("Briar Rose")

The Test of the Longarms

The Test of Eccentricity (a.k.a. The Snipe Hunt)

Trial by Combat

Conclusion

This work is designed to serve as a guide for those foolish and feeble minded young men who may wish at some point in their lives to befriend and maybe should they be truly lacking in common sense wish to date my daughter. Some may think me mad for writing this, and to be truthful I am mad and perhaps a bit eccentric, but as a parent it is my divine rite to terrorize all potential boyfriends as I see fit. These tests are designed to weed out the truly undesirable candidates, but also to serve as a form of entertainment for my daughter and me. (What did you honestly think that I would be the only one administering these tests?).

Since I consider myself a semi-fair person I have written this guide if you will for all the tests and trials that all potential boyfriends must pass before I approve of them. Keep in mind however, that the more serious the relationship you wish to pursue with my daughter the more serious and shall we say difficult the tests and trials become. This guide will help you by informing you ahead of time of what you are up against and getting yourself into. Some basic information for each test and trail is included, but fear not more detailed instructions will be given when you start each test and trail should they be required.

With that said read on if you dare and chose thine fate. Remember that "just friends" and "serious dating boyfriends" have to complete the tests and trials in this guide, but their difficulty is based on your interest in my daughter, and why that interest exists. Only the truly foolish, suicidal and down right insane of candidates need to concern themselves with the third section of this guide. Do not even look at it, or read it unless you have a serious yearning for extreme humiliation and the occasional beating.

So . . . you want to DATE my daughter? May I be so bold as to inquire why? You see there is a slight little problem with this situation. The problem is not with my daughter going out on dates with a boy; the problem is simply you dating my daughter. If you get down to the heart of the matter the problem is you and me! I am not sure you fully grasp the complexity of the situation you have put yourself in. You want to date my daughter. The key phrase that you always have to keep in mind is my daughter. That's right my daughter, as in possession, belonging to me, MINE! Yes, the girl you wish to go out with is my daughter, to be more correctly my only family, heiress to everything I own. She is very precious to me, and I have done everything I could to provide for her nothing less then the very best in life. My daughter is very special to me and deserves nothing less then the very best. Don't you agree?

Now is where we run into some trouble. It is an indisputable fact that my daughter deserves the very best, nothing short of perfection, but now you have entered the picture. I have nothing against you personally, its just that, well you're, how should I put this? I am convinced of the simple fact that men are nowhere near perfect. Face it, were evil little creeps at times. No where in the world is there such a thing as "the perfect man", and likewise there is no one in all the world who is good enough for my daughter, and there never will be! So you see, here is my problem. You are simply not good enough for my daughter, and you never can be. It's that simple. Well, no it actually isn't that simple.

There is one other factor you have to consider, me! As I said before my daughter is my only family and we are inseparable. You can't deal with one and ignore the other. We're like a package deal, you get both of us, or none of us. Now you want to pursue a relationship with my daughter. That seems like no big deal, but you forget about the other half of the package, me. Heh, heh, heh, heh. So in reality you will not just be pursuing a relationship with my daughter, for in fact you will also be forming a relationship with me! There is no getting around this issue. I am part of the deal, take it or leave it. However, what you do have control over is what kind of relationship the two of us have; we can either get along just fine and be pals, or I can be your worst nightmare. The choice is yours.

There is only one more slight little problem. For some strange reason my daughter has also taken an interest in you. Honestly, I don't know why she would? After all we both know by now that you are not good enough for her, and you never can be good enough . . . unless? There is one thing you can do that can greatly improve your chances of me liking you. Even though there is no way you can ever be good enough for my daughter there is a way for you to prove yourself adequate. You see I have developed a small series of tests, and if you pass them and perform well then I just might someday approve of you.

The tests and trials in this section are for those young men who wish to either befriend and or date my daughter. Although both friends and boyfriends complete the same tasks the difficulty is increased for the latter. With each test or trial listed you will see some basic information on what is expected of you in order to succeed. You must realize that these tests and trials are not a simple pass and fail system. It is almost impossible to fail any of these tests and trials. How well you perform the required tasks and more importantly your attitude while doing them in most cases determines your success.

I do not wish to worry you by these tests and trials, in fact many of them are easy and can be a lot of fun provided of course you understand the true meaning behind them. Of course as with most things in life these tests and trials are easy at first and then gradually increase in difficulty. You will be informed when the time comes for you to complete each test or trial, and of course you will be provided with any additional background information or research that may be required. Ample advance notice will be given before each test and trial and likewise ample time to complete each task will also be given. Should at any time you have any questions or concerns about any of these tests or trials feel free to ask either my daughter or myself. All the information you need to succeed in these tests and trails is not included in this guide, so you may need to look elsewhere for you answers from time to time. Who knows maybe your success depends not on how much you know, but in how much you ask and learn?

Relax, sit down, take deep breaths and enjoy yourself. This test won't hurt you at all, really. This test is by far the easiest. In fact so far you have done very well in the trials, after all this is not the first test you have endured. Far from it! Your first task was to prove to my daughter that you were not only worth noticing, but also worth socializing with. Much to my disappointment you were successful in that regards. The second task you completed, little did you know, was having my daughter convince me to let her have a boy come over for a little visit. My daughter, bring a boy home for a visit. Over my dead (daughter gives me sad pouty look, wipes tear from face, sobs, flutters eyes, "daddy please?") ah what the heck. If she finds you interesting then just maybe I will to, and that is your fourth task. By the way the third trial was building up the nerve to come here and see me.

The Test of Identity is as follows. Tell me about yourself. You know the basics; name, age, family, where you are from, what are you interested in, how long have you liked my daughter, do you have any pets, cats vs. dogs, have you ever held my daughter's hand in public, favorite food, music preferences, knowledge of foreign languages and customs, how far can you run in thirty seconds?

Your goal in all of this is simple. My daughter for some reason finds you interesting. I want to know why she does, and I want you to give me a few good reasons why I should let you to continue to see her. If I also find you interesting and feel that you are proper in your manners and would make a good companion for my daughter then I will grant my blessings for you two to continue seeing each other. In all I just like to know who my daughter is hanging around with just to play it safe. I like to know that my daughter is keeping good and proper company and that she will be safe when out and about. Convince me that you are not trying to corrupt my daughter, are good company, and willing to do things of a mutual interest and I just might someday approve of you. If you can do that then you have succeeded and passed this test.

Now is when the fun starts! Ha ha ha ha ha! You should know that after you have successfully completed your forth task (see above) you will be allowed to continue to see and da , ugh accompany my daughter on social outings. The rest of the tests and trials will be conducted as you continue with the court, ugh visiting my daughter. Now keeping with proper etiquette and how things were done in the good old days (ha ha ha) most, if not all, of your visitations with my daughter will be chaperoned by a trustworthy adult, and many of them should occur at her home. Yes back in the good old days on many dates you never left the girl's house and the two of you would just talk to each other. What a novel idea!

On one such visit to my house you will be given a date. (No you idiot not my daughter, a calendar date. You know day of the year? minus 50 points.) It could be any day of the year, but the date will be important because it will be the date of a "special holiday" that we shall celebrate. That's right you are invited to a party! Now keep in mind that I said "special holiday" and I am not referring to your standard Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. These "special holidays" are days on which great events, in my twisted mind at least, of historical importance happened. It will be your job to tell me what great event happened on that day and why it is important. Then on the day of the holiday you will come to my "celebration" and you should come knowledgeable about the event (know thine trivia!) and prepared to discuss various aspects of that event with my daughter, my other guests, and myself. That's all, its simple really.

Now for those of you who are very bold, brash, daring and up to a challenge here is an alternate version of this test. You probable already knew that there are only 365 days in a year and that there have been many important events in history. As the numbers and fate would have it many important events happened on the same day. When I give you the date I will have already decided which "holiday" I was planning to celebrate. You might be able to guess it, maybe not. If you are unable to guess the holiday I had chosen, or even if you could, you might be aware of another important event that happened on that day that you feel should be celebrated instead. (Sorry unbirthdays do not count.)

Here is thine alternate challenge. Tell me about your "holiday" and why you feel it is very important and therefore should be celebrated. Make plans for what type of celebration is called for in order to honor this holiday. Celebrations could be many different forms, elaborate dinner parties, grand all-night story telling sessions, duels with wooden weapons in honor of the dead, it all depends on what the holiday is. If I am amused with your new proposed "holiday" and feel that it is worthy of celebration (in most cases I will since I am always looking for a new "holiday" to celebrate) you will be in charge of organizing the festivities. The uniqueness of your "holiday", preparation measures, and how well it goes will all determine your success. Should you choose this alternate version I must warn you that should you succeed it will only serve to make you look better in my eyes and perhaps earn you a few brownie (evil laugh "I know something you don't know" ha ha ha) points.

Halloween is my most favorite holiday and for many reasons, one of which is story telling. Everyone loves a good story and it seems as if the classic ghost story is one of the most popular types of story and it is maybe for that reason why they are constantly retold over and over again. It seems as if fall with the weather just starting to cool off, the nights growing longer, and the trees loosing their leaves and beginning to cast ominous shadows on the ground all add to the lure of the ghost story.

Even though ghost stories are my favorite, any story if told properly can be good. Story telling is perhaps one of the oldest forms of entertainment and communication that we humans have ever used and devised. Up until the last century and the invention of television, stories printed on paper or broadcast over the radio were the only form of information people could get aside from face to face interaction with each other. Many people read stories, and this is fine for some, but for me the story has to be told. When telling a story one can not just simply read it aloud from a book! The story must be brought to life by vocal nuances, movement of the hands and body, and other tricks not only to involve the audience in the story, but also to ensnare them into the world of the story. My research into story telling has shown that while the traits of the story itself are often important, the way in which the story is told is by far the most important factor in a good story.

So with these factors in mind tell me a story. It can be about anything really, but it has to bee a good story. It doesn't have to be a long one, nor a short one for that matter, but it has to be a good story. If you don't know any stories then feel free to ask my daughter if she knows any good stories, or if you wish you may browse through my collection of stories. I have many stories in my collection, most of them are on print of course, yet a few do still reside in my head. A good storyteller can memorize the story. When you find a story that you like and feel that you are prepared to share it you will get your chance. Who knows maybe I will host a story telling party and you can share your story with a few of my friends? Maybe my friends will share a few stories with you, and maybe, just perhaps there might be a chance that I might tell a story or two? However, if I do tell a story I won't tell too many. I've been known to cause a lack of sleep in my audience for various reasons.

This test is one of the easier ones, for it simply tests your wits, or how quickly you can think and react to a situation. In this test we will do a bit of "role playing" in which I shall give you a few situations and you tell me the most proper thing to do in each situation. Your success in this test depends on two main factors, how long it takes you to come up with your response and what that response is! Here are a few examples of some questions and situations you may be tested on.

Situation 1: You have taken my daughter to a school dance that has now ended. Some friends of yours have invited you and my daughter to join them in some after dance festivities. My daughter has to be home no latter than 11 PM and it is now 10:30 PM. It takes you 20 min. to drive her home. What do you do? (Please give a response for all possible festivities.)

Situation 2: My daughter is walking to work after school when you notice a pack of drunkis kegus (you know party harty, jock and frat boy type a.k.a. big dumb and easy to pick off at 50+ yards) begins to follow and harass her. Despite all my daughter's counter measures they will not leave her alone. What do you do?

(*Author's Amendment* Some of my previous readers of this work have had a few questions on this situation, mainly "so where is the boyfriend during all of this?" In order to ease their worries, and to maybe make this one a bit easier to answer I will tell you. First of all if the guy is a true gentlemen, and he should be, he would be right next to my daughter escorting her to work! However, for the purpose of this question we will assume that he is not with my daughter. You (the boyfriend) notice the situation and know that you must respond somehow. When you look at your surroundings you notice the following: range 100 yards, grade 30⁰ downwards to target, slight breeze SSW, humidity 40%, temperature 50⁰ F, clear LOS, targets are unaware of your presence or intentions. Most important of all, you find yourself standing next to your Kreig Wagon, which is fully loaded with everything you could possible need for a two month reenactathon, which includes the Gettysburg mega-event, a few other smaller Civil War reenactments, random stops at WW2 air shows and tactical events, oh and lets not forget about the two week stay at Pensic! By the way I've heard that they're doing siege warfare this year at Pensic, and you just happen to have a bastilla! HAPPY NOW JAMES?)

Situation 3 (bonus question): You have taken my daughter somewhere and you are running late. No matter what you do there is no way you will have my daughter home on time. Maybe you got lost, your car broke down, the restaurant was too crowded and dinner took forever, regardless of the reason you will not make curfew. What do you do?

Define the following terms (sample answers follow)

Curfew (the absolute latest time my daughter has to be home. At exactly one minute past curfew, by my watch heh heh heh, the make, model, year, and license plate number of your car will be called in to the police as a stolen vehicle and I shall unleash the dogs of war. Any attempt to sneak back after curfew will be meet with extreme resistance and futility. Ideally the time stated as curfew is 30 minutes after you bring my daughter home as in 11 PM really means 10:30.)

NO (I'm armed and daddy taught me how to use it!)

I wouldn't do that if I were you. (The small dot of light you passed off as just another star is really the moonlight reflecting off the scope affixed to daddy's Mauser rifle, or the steel tip of the bolt loaded in his Roman bastilla. It all depends on his mood.)

You're late! (Abandon all hope for resistance is futile. Don't move and what ever you do don't run. Only my daughter can save you now. Oh yeah, I'm only the decoy for the sniper you don't see!)

By now you might have realized that I am a big fan and advocate for many things non-American. While I have many reasons for feeling this way one major reason is because well, America has only existed for a little over 300 years as we know it today and well, come on modern society is sooo boring. Most people will agree with me, or should, that the rest of the world, like Asia and Europe for example, is much more civilized and interesting than America and here in lies your next challenge.

You are to pick a culture different from America and learn about it. It can be any culture that you wish as long as it is not an American culture, but yes you may choose one of the indigenous populations if you so desire. You will then learn everything you can about this culture and then present your findings to me. Remember how things are presented regardless of what they are is the most important part of a presentation! Some possible topics of study can include ethnic garb, beliefs, customs and rituals, history, language, etc. The only required area of study is food. As part of your presentation you must learn how to prepare at least one dish familiar and unique to your culture of study and prepare it for me and my daughter. Of course if you so desire you may also demonstrate some of your other findings, within reason of course. Ah Cultural Anthropology in action, it’s a beautiful thing!

Congratulations you've survived . . . so far! Now you have arrived at your final and most difficult challenge, yet like many of the challenges you have already faced this one in its own ways is simple. For this test all you have to do is survive one little night. The sheer simplicity of this task is what makes it so challenging.

You will accompany me for a little hike in the woods near my house. At some point along the way we will stop and I will show you where you will be spending the night. All you have to do is survive until morning. It's that simple really, well okay not really. This test serves to see how well you can adapt to life outside the pampered ways of modern society. You will have minimal equipment to work with. A sleeping bag, ground cloth, fire making supplies, a pocketknife, and about one pound of hamburger meat is about all you will have with you, aside from your wits. Using only the above mentioned equipment you will have to build a shelter for the night, cook your dinner, and survive till I come and get you in the morning. If you were ever in Boy Scouts then this should be a piece of cake since it should sound like the wilderness survival merit badge.

Am I going mad or did the "M" word just escape your lips? What's that? IT DID! (Slump over in seat, grasp at chest, "quick the nitro pills!", okay, yes I think I'll be okay) What kind of mad man are you? Do you enjoy scaring me like this, or are you just glutton for a good old fashioned beating? Of course you know if you keep on pushing this issue I'll have to get "medieval" on you!

Okay, we really need to talk and I want the truth now. Don't you like me? I thought we were friends. I was actually starting to enjoy having you around, even able to tolerate you most of the time. No, but that isn't good enough for you is it? No just being my daughter's friend and a welcome guest in my house isn't enough for you. You want more? Fine then, I'll give you more!

Like I said we used to be friends, but now you have decided to deliberately become my sworn enemy! No, friendship with my daughter is not enough for you and now you feel like you have to take her away from me. Ha, like heck you are! I dare you to even try and pursue your intentions boy, because I just happen to have a few more tests and trials for you. Go ahead and just try to complete them, I dare you! Of course you should know that they are much more difficult and maybe even slightly more dangerous than any trail you have faced before. However, before we begin we just have a few legal issues to deal with.

Please read and sign the following form.

I _________________________ hereby state that I wish to enter into a state of engagement with ______________________. I also understand that as part of this agreement that I am subject to the completion of several more tests and trials, and that permission for me to marry ______________________ will not be granted until I successfully complete each task. I also understand that as part of each trial I will be subjected to overwhelming and intense humiliation and the occasional beating, and that cuts, scrapes, bruses, sprains, broken bones, mental breakdowns, etc., etc. may result from such tasks. Not only am I aware of such risks, but I also expect to suffer from them and look forward to them. In addition to this I will not hold anyone in the Sliviak family or any of their friends, associates, or minions of doom responsible for any damages that may be inflicted upon my person, or immortal soul since by entering the trials I bring all such suffering upon myself. I know and understand that only by completing these trails will I ever truly be worthy of marrying ________________________. I also state and certify that I am of sound mind and body and that I am entering these trials of my own free will.

Now that we have the legal issues resolved I have just a bit more paper work for you to do. Don't worry it is not that complicated, just sign your name a few times with your social security number, give at least three character and five job references, oh yeah and I'll need two copies of your fingerprints. What for you may ask? Well simple silly, it's for your criminal background check. Relax its only a criminal background check, lots of people have them. Heck I've had several myself. You only need to worry if you have something to hide!

Oh, didn't my daughter mention to you what I do for a living. Huh, must have slipped her mind. I work in emergency management, you know part of the brand new Department of Homeland Security. I've got some friends at the bureau, you know the FBI, who said they can handle the actual background check for me and all I needed to do was get these forms filled out. Well here's a pen get to it boy! Relax, I'm sure a bright and intelligent boy like you will have no problem passing this simple background check. Besides I know my daughter and I know that she would never become involved with a common criminal. Or would she?

I find it amazing how these Homeland Security, FBI, and CIA agents work and how seriously take their job. At times they almost seem like Santa Clause. You know, "they know where you've been sleeping. They know when you're on-line. They know whom you've been talking to, so tell the truth or pay the price! Oh you better watch out, you better not lie, better not hide I'm telling you why. Cause the Feds will check up on you!"

Of course you've been here before a few times, but now I want to show you some of the more interesting features of my home that many of my guest are often unaware of. This is a very easy test for you, because well, it really isn't a test at all. All you have to do is go on a little tour of my home and estate so I can show you a few things. Before we begin our little tour there are only a few simple rules you have to know. First, please remove all footwear when entering the house and wear the fuzzy slippers in the designated areas; after all we don't want to ruin the hardwood floors. Second, please refrain from any flash photography during the tour since it can harm the lavishly decorated interior of the house. Third, keep your arms and hands at your sides at all times and don't touch the stenciled walls due to the fact that the paint might still be wet. Forth, be on the look out for nasty little goblins, orcs, and other minionesc creatures. They are somewhat harmless, but they do like to run off with unattended children. Oh, I almost forgot the most important rule, DO NOT FEED THE GARGOYLES! Now that we have explained all the rules the tour can begin.

The Grounds:

Let us begin the tour outside and view the many splendid features of my yard. The front yard is nicely decorated and highlighted with colorful flowers during the spring and summer however, most of the more interesting features are found out back. What was that? Over there you mean by the hill? Oh, yes well I do have a rather large estate that does expand well into the woods over by that hill, but there is really nothing over there that would interest you. Well yes, okay it is a cave, but trust me you don't want to look over there it is dark, dank, and (sound of breaking bones fills the air) that was nothing really. If you will just follow me I can show you the most lovely European fountain in my, why I guess those do look like words, but trust me they are . . . joint cracks in the rock and fracture lines . . . yes fracture lines. Really who would carve the phrase "Lair of Mordrid" above a cave anyway? Why of course that is English armor from the 100-year-war period how observant of you. Now if you will just follow me (large reptilian head emerges from the cave, half a rack of ribs hanging from corner of its mouth). Yes, well you've seen my pet lizard now so can we go, please? (Lizard flicks its tongue and then snaps at boyfriend's foot.) Mordrid how rude! That was not nice now go, go back in your cave. Yes that's a good guard dragon, back in your lair, now shoo. Sorry about that, Mordrid doesn't like strangers. He tends to be a bit "protective" at times. What kind of lizard did you ask? Well . . . uhm, you see he's a . . . really big . . . iguana, right an oversized iguana. What you don't believe me? Listen I don't care how many episodes of "The Crocodile Hunter" you have seen that was not a Komodo Dragon! Everyone knows that it is technically illegal to keep them in captivity. Shall we move on to the back then?

In my back yard there are many wonderful items. Mostly they consist of flower gardens, ponds, walkways, and fountains based on the grounds of the royal palaces of Europe. Of course if you follow the trial through the woods you eventually will come across my graveyard. Oh, don't worry its not a real graveyard. I mean come on, why would I hide a bunch of bodies in the woods? Anyway, by far my most favorite part of the grounds is my hedge maze. It took a great deal of time to plan, plant, and not to mention maintain, but it is so much fun to walk through. Who knows, maybe someday you just might have the chance to wander through my maze (heh, heh, heh).

The House:

As you can tell the house is rather "old fashioned" in design. It was originally built back in the Victorian era, but has a few wonderful examples of medieval European gothic architecture. I have invested a lot of time and resources to restore the house it its original splendor, and have tried to keep many of the interior designs of the house as they originally were in order to capture the true beauty of the Victorian house.

Well I know you have been here a few times before, and are familiar with some of the rooms of the house so I won't bore you with things you already know. What I really wanted to show you is a little place that many of the guests to my home seldom see, a part of the home I like to call the white tower (evil laugh). Don't worry, it's only a tower where some of my more favorite rooms in the house are located, and we call it the white tower because it's . . . painted, white. Okay now, follow me.

Here on the ground floor of the white tower is my office. Most of my work that my job requires can be done from here. It is nice to be able to work out of my home from time to time because it allows me to spend more time with my precious daughter. In fact my daughter's siting room is also in the white tower, right above my office in fact. Her balcony is set overlooking the main windows of my office, so in fact I can see everything she can below her balcony.

You may notice the wide assortment of decorations throughout my office. These are items and pictures collected from the many places I have traveled in my life. If you see anything of interest feel free to ask about it. Why, what's with the big black bird you ask? Why that's just my raven perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door. Tis a bird and nothing more.

Now I know what you are thinking, "Sir", you say, "you are deceiving, for rumor says in the floors below where the light is dark and a cold wind blows there is a chamber, a deep dark chamber somewhere on the floors below." That's a myth and nothing more.

Beneath these floors once were catacombs, but they weren't built of human bones. True in the dark goblins might be creeping, but human flesh they are not eating. There is no dungeon on the floors below. Now if you don't stop your rambling, of vicious lies I've often heard before you'll date my daughter nevermore!

Now let us forget such rumor, of secret caves and hidden stairs. There is one more place I want to show you. It is one of my most favorite places in the house where I keep a vast collection of very interesting artifacts. Follow me if you will, to my war room!

This one is not really a test or a trial so you can relax, for now. Your wonderful tour of my home will end in one of my most favorite rooms, my "war room". Here is where I keep my vast collection of toy soldiers, military uniforms, and weaponry. Keeping with the age old tradition most if not all of my weapons have been given names that match their "personalities" and my own. Most of them have girl names and they are all precious to me. Do not be fooled by their "old fashioned appearance" since just about every weapon is real and fully functional. Each has advantages and disadvantages to their use. In competent hands each one is dangerous, and in well-trained hands each one is deadly.

Now here is the challenge. Like myself, my "girls" tend to be a little cautious from time to time, and many people might say slightly (okay fine, extremely) overprotective when it comes to my family, especially my daughter (my only child and heiress to all that I have). My daughter is very familiar with her "big sisters" and has been trained in how to use and care for them properly. She is well aware of the effectiveness of each weapon, and my skills with each of them. Since I am a semi-fair person I have given my daughter the supreme power to grant you immunity from one of her "big sisters". I will let you come up with the many reasons why they might be upset with you. After all you are a teenage American guy, I am sure you can come up with at least one situation!

Okay sit down boy, we need to have us a little talk. If you truly are intent on pursuing this crazy idea of yours then I have to lay down a few ground rules first. I've been meaning to talk to you for some time now about all that offensive language that you have been using lately and don't you even pretend that you don't know what I am talking about!

First, my daughter is not known as "honey", "darling", "baby", "sweety", "dear", etc. She has a real name you know, the name that I gave her. Use it! Unless of course it is a more formal occasion in which case she is to be referred to as Miss Sliviak, and don't you even think of adding anything on to the end of that. Second, I am not your father so don't even think about calling me dad. Third, unless you are glutton for a beating, or willing to prove the fact that you can run like a Kenyan don't you ever under any circumstances utter the dreaded nine letter "G" word in my presence. Forth, if I ever catch you outside my daughter's balcony late at night quoting Shakespeare, ah no wait never mind that I'm sure you know the ending of Hamlet.

Well I think that about covers the basics and most important rules. If at any time however I think of a few more rules and regulations I will immediately let you know.

There is one more thing that you need to understand before you continue any further in the trials. By now you most certainly know that I view the world in my own unique way and tend to have opinions on many issues that are drastically different from the "mainstream" culture. My view on marriage is no exception. Contrary to what you might have been told and caused to believe by your family, friends, and peers when you get married my daughter is not going to join your family. What ever gave you the silly idea that you could just walk into my life and steal my daughter from me? No when you get married my daughter will not join your family because you are joining my family! (You do like my last name don’t you?) You see the purpose of these trials is to not only to see if you are good enough for my daughter, but also to see if you are good enough to join my family and carry on with the great heritage that has endured the centuries.

Herein lies your next challenge. If you are going to join my family you must know something about it. I am sure that my daughter has mentioned to you about some of the many great achievements and deeds done by my ancestors. If she hasn’t then maybe she could enlighten you in regards to this matter. When you feel that you have confidently learned about my family’s history tell me what you know. Start with my daughter and tell me about her. Then move on to me and what I have accomplished in my life. Next, talk about my parents and Grandparents, etc., etc. Go back as far as you can. (Don’t worry I can only go back a few generations myself). The point is that you have to know who these people are if you are to join my family since then you will also be related to them in name and spirit. Through your potential marriage into my family you will be a continuing link in their legacy, and you have to know what that legacy is. Of course I won’t let you get off so easy as to let you just ramble off a few facts about my family’s history. You have to make it interesting, be creative. The more creative you are the better job you will do.

If you think that my daughter is going to spend the rest of her life in domestic servitude you're nuts. My daughter will never slave all day at domestic chores while you sit on your lazy arse or work all day only to come home late every night. She is much to good for that type of existence. You will be expected to know how to properly run and maintain a household. Believe it or not maintaining a properly kept household is not as easy as it sounds, but don't worry I will soon make you an expert at it. Just how am I going to do this you may ask? Well the answer is simple, for I shall turn you into a Silver Fish!

What’s that, you don't know what a Silver Fish is? Oh, I'm sorry I thought you knew, but don't worry I'll tell you. The Silver Fish is one of the highest ranks one can achieve in Girl Scouts, in 1913! Ya das it right. Ve vill turn you in to a goot little Edvardian Girl Scouten. Don't worry all the information you need to become a Silver Fish is included in my reproduction 1913 Girl Scout handbook. My daughter will be the one who will instruct you. I know it sounds like a strange tests, but I am confident that you can succeed. After all if 12-year old girl can does this stuff I am sure it will be no trouble for you. Oh, don't worry I won't require you to wear the uniform to all your meetings. Woolen stockings do tend to itch.

Do you remember what I do for a living? Well in case you forgot I work in emergency management. Emergency management is a fancy way of saying that it is my job to keep people and their property safe from disasters. To accomplish this people in my field use the comprehensive emergency management cycle which consists of four phases, mitigation (steps you can take to prevent a disaster or lessen its impact), preparedness (what to do in preparation for a non-preventable disaster), response (what to do when the disaster strikes), and recovery (how to get your life back together after the disaster). Although there are emergency management personnel at every level of government, most of the responsibilities for implementing and responding to disasters rest on the local governments of cities and towns, not to forget of course the families.

Here is your next challenge. Disasters can happen to anyone, anywhere, at any time. It is the responsibility of all people to be prepared to respond accordingly in order to save themselves and their families. Therefore it is your job to be prepared to assist your future family in order to save them when the unthinkable happens. Fortunately for you and your future family there is a wealth of information available to the general public on how to prepare for disasters and it will be your next test to learn this material.

For this trial you will be required to successfully complete the following courses that are available through FEMA's independent study program and the American Red Cross.

It is my humble opinion that two of the greatest storytellers of all time were the Brother's Grimm. True, one can make the argument that they were technically not storytellers, as we do not really know if they told any of their stories, but with out a doubt they amassed one of the greatest collection of stories ever and even after all this time they are still very popular.

What I find very interesting about the tales of the Brother's Grimm is how they have changed over time. Believe it or not their stories were not always the candy coated Disney versions most of us knew as children. Far from it! In fact many of the original versions of the stories were very different from what we know today. You see the original plan of the Brother's Grimm was to preserve the classic folktales and stories of the peasants, a kind of folklore project you might say. It never occurred to them how popular these stories would become, and that anyone would tell them to children. When the Brother's Grimm learned that children were being told these stories they tweaked them a bit and changed a detail here and there to make them less dramatic.

Here is a very brief version of one of my favorite Grimm fairy tales. Today almost every one knows the story of Sleeping Beauty, but how many have heard the original version called Briar Rose? Well the story begins much like the modern version of Sleeping Beauty. There is this King and Queen and they have a baby daughter and everyone comes to this big celebration and gives the baby princess all these cool gifts. Well the one person who was not invited was this evil sorceress and she got all mad and bent out of shape so she put a curse on the princess. On her 16^th birthday the princess would pick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel and she and the rest of the kingdom would fall asleep for 100 years. Sure enough on her 16^th birthday she pricks her finger and everyone falls asleep. The kingdom and castle soon fall into neglect. As part of the curse the sorceress causes a large briar patch to grow around the castle, and up its walls and so after a few years the castle in totally covered in thorny bushes. A few decades go by and a legend has emerged about a briar castle in a far away kingdom and in this briar castle there is the most beautiful princess in the entire world known as the "Briar Rose". Many people regard this story as a myth, yet some brave young knights go off in search of this briar castle. Those who go off on this quest never return. Now about 100 years after the princess and the kingdom fall asleep a price hears the story of the briar castle and goes off on a quest to make the "Briar Rose" his wife. Well the prince finds the briar castle and tries to climb up the walls to reach the tower window. As he climbs up he finds the walls covered with the skeletons and armor of all those knights who never returned, because they died while trying to enter the castle and the briar patch had gown around them trapping their remains for all time. Soon however, the prince enters the window of the tower. You must remember that this day was 100 years after the spell had begun so as the prince is walking around the castle looking for "Briar Rose" everyone starts to wake up. When people ask him who he is and what he has come for he tells them that he has come to marry the princess. They do and the story ends happily ever after.

Isn’t that such a sweet story. You might be wondering what this story has to do with your next challenge. The answer is simple, it has everything to do with it! You see I may not have a castle made of briars, but I do have a very large and elaborate maze made of hedges. Your task is simple. In the center of my hedge maze is "Briar Rose" my daughter. You have one hour to find her and bring her back to me. That’s all there is to it. Well okay there maybe is one little catch. The maze is very complex and elaborately designed. There are several dead ends and other obstacles that you might encounter in the maze that just might impede upon your progress and success. Oh, one other bit of fairy tale trivia that just might come in handy. Remember that most evil sorcerers guard their castle strongholds with deadly traps, man-eating monsters, and countless hoards comprised of minions of doom all of whom are bold and determined to keep the brash young prince from rescuing the princess.

Many people have heard of déjà vu "the sensation that you are seeing something that you have seen before", but how many people know about déjà boom? What's that you've never heard of déjà boom? Well lucky for you I am well versed and educated in this strange phenomena. Déjà boom is very similar to déjà vu, in fact they are related to each other. Déjà vu is seeing or experiencing something that you have seen before, and déjà boom is when the item or situation you are experiencing is the raw and destructive force of gunpowder unleashed upon an unsuspecting target! (Smell the sulfur in the air and let out evil laugh.)

Now as you should know by now my daughter is my only child and heiress to everything I own. This includes my wonderful collection of weaponry. As some people, and all people for that that matter, should know the best tool for preventing accidents involving weapons, such as firearms, is to educate people in how to use them. Once one is familiar with a weapon, and more importantly what it can do to them and others, they come to respect the weapon and treat it properly and safely. Now given the simple fact that all of my weapons will someday reside in my daughter's house, and that you just might be living there as well you need to learn how to use them, and care for them. Only through education and hands on experience can one learn the proper respect for the weapons, and it is my job to teach you.

You have to understand that I really do not care if you like guns or not. The simple fact is that my daughter will inherit a lot of guns and you very well may have access to them. For this reason alone you need to now how they work so that you can properly deal with them to save yourself and others. I am not trying to turn you into a trigger-happy, gun-loving sniper. I am only trying to instill the fear of what these weapons can do to someone if not treated properly so that I can save your life and those of other people. Guns by themselves harm no one. It is the stupid, ignorant, and uneducated finger on the trigger that causes the accident!

Now as part of your training you will learn about every gun I own. You will learn what type of gun it is and some of the history behind it. In addition to this you will learn the technical stuff such as rate of fire, range, accuracy, size and type of projectile, and most of all what it does to the target upon impact. (Watermelons are a great visual aide!) Last but not least you will learn how to care for the weapons, as in how to clean them, store them, take them apart, etc. When all is said and done if you never hold my weapons again I don't care. All I am concerned about is that you understand what they are capable of, and how to care for them in a safe manner. As I said before I am not trying to make you like or enjoy firearms, I am trying to teach safety and save a few lives.

I bet right now you are feeling pretty good about yourself. No matter what obstacle I put in your way you always find a way to over come it. Well now we shall see just how good you really are about overcoming real dangerous situations. Oh, don't worry this time you are not pitted against me or any of my minions. This time all you have to do is survive once more as you complete a relatively simple task.

I believe it was Hamlet who once said "there are more things in Heaven and Earth Horatio than are dreamed of in your philosophy". In this trail you will prove Hamlet right! Many fascinating creatures inhabit this world, only a fraction of which are known and recognized by modern science. While I do not claim to be an expert on all of the wonderful creatures who inhabit this world I have spent several years studying a few of them. Believe it or not I have found that in this very area and on my vast property there lives a wonderful, healthy, and thriving population of Snipes, Figments, and Delsionums previously unknown to science, and still unrecognized by the mainstream.

Your task is to also undertake a study of these wonderful creatures. You will learn their names, identifying marks, habits, etc, etc. Once you feel that you have learned all you can about these creatures you will set out on an expedition, by yourself and bring me back one of these creatures alive! Failure in this task is not an option. If you do however find it impossible to bring me back a live Snipe, Figment, or Delsionum then you better have a good reason! After all they are out there, you just have to look very hard and carefully to find them.

Of course as before in some of the past trials you may use whatever resources you desire to help you in your task. As I have mentioned before I have devoted many years of study to these wonderful creatures and am more than willing to give you some advise. May I also recommend that you study my work "The Art of Sniping" which contains information on many of the creatures I have studied as well as information on how to view and capture them. Once again my daughter is wise in this matter and may prove once again to be an invaluable resource.

My last bit of advice to you is this, be very careful! While many of the creatures you may seek may appear harmless never let your guard down. As Alice soon found out things are not always as they seem. Granted you may have nothing to fear from the Jackalope, but to track the elusive Flying Fang-toothed Squirrel is to place one's life in danger and always, always be wary of the Man-eating Chunk!

By now you should know how my twisted and often demented mind works, or at least be able to understand me somewhat. Now you may wonder why I often refer to myself as a "semi fair" person. Well the reason I give myself this title is very simple, sometimes I don't fight fair. There comes a time in life, not very often mind you but sometimes, when you just can't play by the rules such as when you need to make an example out of someone. Now is one of those times and you are one of those people.

Despite all my best efforts, crazy ideas of silly trials, minyins of doom, and blood sucking figments of my imagination you have passed every trial, test, and task I could think of and so now after many sleepless nights and countless hours of deliberation on my part (not to mention all the arm twisting, pleading, sobbing, pouting, name calling, yelling, cold shoulder giving, and gilt trips courtesy of my daughter) I have been force, uh I mean decided to consent the fact that you have bested me. Although you may have won the war my most worthy adversary there is still one great battle to be fought, and this time I won't loose!

For the sake of honesty and brevity I will be up front with you. There is no way you can "pass" this trial because honestly there is nothing that you can do to pass it. To coin a phrase all the cards have been stacked against you. The trial by combat is very simple in nature, in fact one could say that it is very Roman in nature. (Those who are about to bruse salute me!) All you have to do to hold out against my minions of doom once more, only this time in an all out full contact melee. Now of course this time you should fair much better against my minions of doom. After all this time you will be armored, and you get your choice of weapons. You also can specify if you prefer to be beaten by wooden weapons, or metal blunts. Here is the only catch. You start off fighting one of my minions of doom. All the minions are killed or maimed by "fatal blows" or strikes that would really kill or maime someone. Also if you manage to kill a minion two more will take their place so you will never run out of minions. The only other catch is that you are "immortal" and can never be killed by the minions. They can only beat you severely until you decide to yield or I show mercy upon you.

The trial ends once I feel and you agree that you have learned a simple lesson, some of my friends have said that I am a great and loyal friend, but I am an even deadlier enemy. Now is when you will learn why I am so deadly an opponent. Just because my daughter is going to marry you doesn't mean that I will not stay in contact with her. Remember this is my daughter, my only child, heiress to everything I own, my legacy. Just because she is no longer living in my home doesn't mean that I no longer care a great deal about her and would not defend her and protect her at all costs. If for some reason my daughter every tells me that she is unhappy, or that you are not taking proper care of her and giving her the love and respect that she deserves then I will find you, and when I do I will rectify the situation.

No, no it can't be! I've, I've . . . been . . . defeated. You gallantly faced every challenge I could put against you, completed every task, and performed far better then I thought you could. Now after all of this I know that I have no choice but to admit . . . that I . . . I was w, wr . . oon . . g . . . wrong about you. (okay precious, sweety, the most wonderful little girl in the world, let go of daddy's arm, please!) You have faced many challenges and obstacles that few men would willingly face, and I guess that you have proven yourself adequate (ahh, ahh, ouch, precious stop with the arm that hurts! Okay, okay I'll say it.) You have proven yourself g . . . goo . . ood enough for my daughter and more than worthy of her.

I hope that you hold no hard feelings about me now, and have at least some favorable memories of the trials. It is my goal and hope that someday you may understand why I have made you endure them, and who knows maybe someday you just might need to use some of them yourself. (Hey a new family tradition!) If you ever do decide to become a parent, by adoption of course, I guarantee that you will soon learn one simple fact. It only takes three words, "it’s a girl", to soften a heart of stone, but it only takes two words, "I do", to break it.