NEW: VOY Choices [PG] J/C
TITLE: Choices
AUTHOR: C. Lee clee@shaw.wave.ca
SERIES: Continuation of Perfection
SUMMARY: Janeway and Chakotay continue to develop their relationship. But can it survive the choices of command?

DISCLAIMER:

STAR TREK: VOYAGER is © by Paramount Pictures Inc.

CHOICES is © 1997 by C. Lee.

This work is based on the plot and characters of Star Trek: Voyager. It is not intended to infringe on any Paramount copyrights, and is not being sold for the author's profit. It may not be excerpted or adapted without the express written consent of the author. Permission is given to circulate the text in electronic form without charge, with all identifying information and disclaimers intact. This is my second story and is somewhat a continuation of the first called Perfection. The story also assumes reader knowledge of Janeway's background from Jeri Taylor's book Mosaic. There are lengthy J/C scenes. This story is rated PG for sexual situations.

All feedback to CLeebert@aol.com will be appreciated. (I even enjoy criticism, so fire away :o)

Enjoy!

The pervasive gentle hum of Voyager's systems echoed through the deserted corridors. There were over three hours until the start of alpha shift, but Captain Kathryn Janeway tensely made her way towards the bridge. She had been up for hours. In fact, she barely slept at all the last few days.

Last night was no different. Although she had prepared for bed as always, she was no sooner lying comfortably, willing herself to submit to the fatigue, before she angrily tossed aside the sheet, jumped into an outfit, and rushed towards the holodeck with a tennis racket in hand. Even after a two hour gruelling duel, pounding the tennis ball and holographic opponent, she could not shake off her tension. Kathryn Janeway ended the session with a long hot stinging shower allowing her tears to mingle freely with the pulsing spray. She allowed herself this momentary release before emerging from the steaming mist - composure instantly constructed.

Janeway decided to appear on the bridge instead of immediately heading for her Ready Room as she had the past few mornings.

"Captain on the bridge!" announced Lieutenant Suti formally, due to her unexpected presence so early in this shift. The bridge crew snapped to attention.

"Status!" Janeway briskly commanded.

After ascertaining no significant developments, Captain Janeway withdrew into her Ready Room. She hugged a cup of coffee with her quivering hands and submerged into her day's work. Several hours passed before her door chimed.

Tuvok entered and studied her. "Good morning Captain. I understand you've been here since 0348 hours. This makes the sixth morning you've started your shift before 0400 hours."

Janeway waved him to a seat and sighed. "I have not been able to sleep well lately."

"You are putting in over nineteen hour shifts. These are not optimal conditions to make sound decisions. Furthermore, it is not good for your health," Tuvok lightly censured. His tone softened. "I have noticed this behaviour every year. But you've been particularly affected *this year*. Perhaps it would be wiser to discuss it."

Janeway held up her hand. "Thank you for your concern Tuvok," she croaked. Managing to clear her throat, she continued. "I just find it helps to focus on work. To be honest, the work helps me deal with the memories ..." Her voice faded as Tuvok's raised eyebrows revealed his scepticism.

There was a moment's silence. "It has been a long time," he gently pointed out. "But even now you are burying the memories instead of dealing with them. Perhaps I can help you meditate. It may help build a wall so that you can explore these memories without being overwhelmed by the emotions."

Janeway considered his offer. She found Tuvok touchingly thoughtful and caring at times, shattering the self-propagated Vulcan myth of emotional solitude. "Tuvok, I know it seems inconsistent, but I don't want to dull my feelings. I want to feel everything, including the pain. It's what reminds me of my progress. I'm just not ... prepared to deal with it right now."

Tuvok nodded, then briefly touched her clenched fist, before departing.

'Kathryn, pull yourself together - you've got Tuvok worried,' she silently chided herself. She had never known him to make that gesture. She mentally shook herself. She was on duty now and did *not* have time to indulge in personal matters.

Janeway received her second visitor shortly after.

Commander Chakotay stood silently appraising her as he delivered his daily reports. Although to most eyes, Janeway looked tired yet able, Chakotay had long practised reading this Captain. He frowned as he noticed the slightly puffy eyes, the dark circles and tense shoulders. He could see she was distracted with her thoughts as her eyes focused inward. Her face looked wan, her mouth slightly droopy, but most alarming was her failure to notice his open scrutiny. This contrasted with her normally sharp and snappy composure. Even still, he could see her impenetrable shield would not welcome his concern.

"Captain, I understand you've been on duty since 0400 hours. Holodeck logs show your usage between 0100 and 0300 hours. Given your departure from the bridge yesterday at 2300, I'd estimate that you've barely slept last night -"

"Commander, I've already had this lecture this morning. I appreciate your concern, but this subject is wearing thin. Now if you're finished with the scrutiny, I need to review these reports."

He was dismissed. Well, at least she noticed. But this wasn't over just yet.

The day passed rather uneventfully. By 1900 hours, Chakotay realised that Janeway was planning to spend another evening working. Not if he could help it. He steeled himself, then entered her Ready Room. She continued reading, barely acknowledging his presence. He moved towards her replicator.

"Captain, can I join you for dinner?"

"Actually Chakotay, I'm not really hungry."

"Do you mind if I eat?"

With that, she glanced up at him and took in his set jaw and determined eyes. She knew that *look*. She sighed. "I don't suppose you were intending to go to the Mess Hall."

"Not unless you prefer to dine there."

Janeway rubbed her face and held up her hands before finally yielding. "All right, Chakotay. You win. I'll have vegetable soup and Orillian spiced rolls.

"Why don't we move to your quarters or mine. I'd like to change before dinner and it's time you gave this room a rest."

"Chakotay, you're pushing it," she warned.

Chakotay flashed her his most disarming dimpled grin. "But you will join me?"

She had to admit, there were very few people who ever pushed her. Fewer still who got away with it. And certainly not aboard this ship. She rewarded him with the first hint of a smile he'd seen all week. "Commander, did I ever tell you, you could charm your way out of a Klingon firing squad?"

As they nestled on Janeway's couch after a light dinner, they were reminded of the warm camaraderie during their months on New Earth. Since their return, they fell into an easy friendship. They still spent some evenings together - loathe to give up their special bond, yet hesitant to develop it deeper - knowing the enormous risks at stake.

Chakotay knew Janeway never discussed her personal matters with anyone. Despite his friendship with B'Elanna, he was the same way. They both valued their privacy which was especially important given their position. But he wanted to help her. He realised in order to receive her confidence, he had to give his. So Chakotay was the first to break their mutual reserve.

"I remember when my father died. I was instructing a class on Advanced Tactical Training. We were developing a counter attack for the Nikoan manoeuvre when Admiral Hayes walked into the room. I remember how elated I felt because I thought he was offering me a new commission on the USS Argonaut. Admiral Hayes explained the Cardassian attack on Dorvan V. At first, I thought he was briefing me for a special mission. Then, I was shattered to learn that my father was one of the casualties."

Understanding the significance of this emotional disclosure, Janeway moved to place her hand on his arm.

Chakotay continued. "I was granted a leave of absence and I pulled out all owed favours to get on the fastest ships to Dorvan V within a few weeks. I don't know what I expected to find there. I just knew that my father was gone. Maybe I half expected to find him, if I looked and cared hard enough."

"His death must have been very difficult for you. You once told me that you had a tenuous relationship with your father. There must have been many things left unresolved."

"Yes, there was. I was overwrought with guilt and self-recrimination. He died unexpectedly young. I always thought there'd be a time when we could deal with our differences and finally share our life. At that point, our relationship had been reduced to perfunctory yearly news updates. I was so caught up in my own important world, I didn't stop to consider the issues in *his*." He shook his head and continued. "We were very different. He was bent on preserving our history and culture and I was eager to discover and explore new worlds."

Kathryn moved closer to share his space. His grief was almost tangible.

"After the disastrous Earth-bound discovery expedition, and my subsequent announcement to join Starfleet, we lived in separate worlds. The trip only served to highlight the great gulf between us and how little I wanted to share in his world. My father was very hurt by that. He went on to colonise Dorvan V, and I went to the Academy. Although I came to Dorvan V on breaks now and again, it happened less often through the years. The truth was, I thought I had outgrown my father. I was tired of his hidden lessons. The requests to keep up many of our traditions. And of our meaningless conversations. We were more like virtual strangers instead of family. He'd politely ask about my life in Starfleet - all the while not understanding my love and enthusiasm for it. I'd politely ask him about the settlement. But we both knew that these conversations really masked our bewilderment for the other's choices. Eventually, we hardly communicated at all. I was barely aware of his involvement against the Cardassians."

"Those dynamics happen even with the best of intents. Given your career in Starfleet, you'd have to accept long periods of separation."

"But it *was* my fault! Here I was in Starfleet, to seek out new lifeforms and to have tolerance for the many differences. But, the truth was, I didn't have time or understanding for my own father. I know he tried to understand. And he never discouraged me. He tried so hard to make sure I wouldn't lose my way. I always thought it was *his* ways he didn't want me to lose. He just never knew how to reach me - and I didn't bother to let him. After his death, I went to Dorvan V to find my father. If not his body, then the person he was. He had so many friends who regaled me with tale after tale of his generosity, ideas, vision and courage. They were so eager to tell me about him. Then I realised - they understood that my father had wanted to share these stories himself. I never gave him the opportunity to do so."

Chakotay paused and looked up, clenching his jaw. Janeway reached up to smooth his cheeks. "You've changed a lot since then Chakotay. I don't know anyone who spends more time and effort giving himself to people than you. Your father would've been proud of the man you've become." Chakotay returned a pained smile, then turned his face into her open palm, and planted a soft kiss there before reaching up to take her hands and hold them in his lap.

"I was so consumed with grief, and guilt. Here were complete strangers, trying to share the man Kolopak was, with me. It seemed he frequently talked about me - how proud he was. He often told me that, but I guess I only remembered the disappointment he felt for choosing such a different life. His friends assured me that my father never stopped highlighting my Starfleet accomplishments. Knowing his feelings about my chosen path, that bothered the hell out of me because I realised that was all he knew about me - the only thing he had to hold on to."

Chakotay's voice broke - then he resolutely continued. "So, over many days, then weeks, I immersed myself in Kolopak's world. I don't know when it happened, or even why. But gradually, they accepted me, like the leader I imagined my father had been to them. I felt humbled by their generosity of spirit - and for the first time, I felt my roots. By the time Starfleet investigation revealed that my father had been intimately involved in that Cardassian battle, I was beyond reason. I was angry that an older, untrained, peaceful man like my father was involved. That many more were willing to take up his cause. I was livid that the Cardassians were there. I was enraged that Starfleet allowed this all to happen. And most of all, I was furious that I had not been there to save him."

Janeway quietly surveyed the consuming fire that ignited his eyes, and the uncompromising edge to his tone. She unconsciously shuddered as she realised how fortunate she was to have his immediate support. A person with nothing to lose was a dangerous enemy. As her shiver reached him, Chakotay blankly stared at her, then returned to the present and released his rage.

He continued more evenly. "I started addressing their tactical mistakes, and trained them to increase their chances of success. Then I got involved in some raids. Initially, it was to keep the older people from getting killed. Eventually, I started to lead various missions as it was obvious many of them did not have the proper skills. Before I knew it, *their* fight was *mine*.

"So I resigned my Starfleet commission and took up the battle against the Cardassians. That was the day I donned this tattoo and assumed my father's mantle. We weren't even called Maquis at that time. But after a while, our defensive and offensive campaigns started to attract attention to our cause. Soon, former Starfleet graduates started joining our ranks. Even one of my former students, Ro Laren, was amongst them. That's when I realised we were making a difference - Starfleet and Cardassians were taking notice."

"And all the while, fighting your demons."

Chakotay nodded. "In a strange way, I'm glad we're here. Far from the crazy life as a Maquis. I know I was good at it, but I realise now, that was not the life I wanted. It was the banner I took on, and ironically, the one that brought the most attention - and you. Being in the Delta Quadrant released the heavy obligation that I shouldered for so long. If we were to go back now ... I don't know if I could return to that role. And oddly enough, I'd say the same for many of my former crew. Voyager has offered me, ... *you've* offered me, a life and chance to become the person I've wanted to be. And that's something for which, I'll always be indebted to you."

"Chakotay, I think Voyager and myself are more in *your* debt for establishing a special communal life here. In many ways, *you* are the centre of this ship. I think your father would be pleased to find you at peace now. Maquis cause aside, the peaceful man in him must have found it difficult to reconcile the warring differences. If your father could only see you now."

Chakotay looked down at her smooth hands. They were warm and strong and giving. And they looked so right nestled in his. "He has." He looked into her surprised eyes. "Remember those three days on New Earth I spent on the hills on the anniversary of my father's death? Well, that was the first time he revealed himself. The second time was when I was anguished about the fate of Seska's child."

"You never said anything."

Chakotay looked at her eyes again, revealing how he longed to. "The day was beautiful as I started the vision quest on the open hills, and my father appeared. He understood the years of guilt I carried, and removed them from me. I finally realised he had always wanted me to follow my own path, and not his. He saw that I had come to peace with myself and was pleased for it. And he knew much of it was because of the life you gave me. I came back to the shelter, eager to share this with you, but the journey was long, it was late, I was exhausted and fell asleep. I thought I'd have a lifetime to share it. Then the next day ... well, the opportunity was lost and we packed to return to our life here."

They looked down at their entwined hands, both lost in their memories. That *was* a significant day. Chakotay had finally reached his father, after years of searching. During his absence, Kathryn had come to recognise her feelings for him. After the three-day-long separation, they were impatient to see each other again, and share their new-found discoveries. But before her budding feelings could take root, she nipped them to resume command - leaving them both wondering what might have been.

"Oh, Chakotay. Sometimes I wish things could have turned out differently. Voyager's return was a mixed blessing. I try not to imagine how different things might have been had we stayed. I've always driven myself to look ahead, not pine behind. Yet, it's hard to separate the close bond we established while making a life together on that planet, to the close bond we have making *this* life together on Voyager. The differences are not just in our roles or responsibilities, but in the impact our choices have on our future. And it's not something I've come to terms with."

"I know. Kathryn, my friendship and bond with you is more important than anything. Our relationship as it is now, means too much to me to lose. And I wouldn't want to jeopardise it in any way until we were both sure of where we were headed. I'd like to think we could make a future together, but I'm also content to just share this journey with you and see where it leads."

Kathryn was touched by his intensity. And she was gratified that once again, Chakotay understood and shared her care and hesitation. "It has taken me a long time to admit people into my life. Your friendship and support has always meant a lot to me." Taking a deep breath, she considered where her next words would lead them, then resolutely continued. "Chakotay, I'm glad you've come to terms with your father. I know how important that is. I've ... never gotten over my father's death." Janeway looked down at her clenched hands.

"It was 15 years ago today wasn't it?" he softly added.

Janeway looked up at him in surprise. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised. As First Officer you would have access to my personnel file."

"What was he like?" he gently encouraged.

"My father was a wonderful man. But he was gone during most of my childhood and youth. He was the most important person in my life, but I guess we always value the things we don't have. He was an Admiral in Starfleet and he specialised in Cardassian intelligence in a time when little was known about them. During my youth I grew resentful at the little time we had together. But in our later years, I came to terms with his absence. I outgrew the need to captivate and earn his attention, when I realised I always had it. It's just a shame that we had so little time left."

Janeway paused, then haltingly continued. "When my father and fiancé Justin died, I felt my whole world had collapsed. It took many months for me to recover, and even then it was only due to the will and strength of my sister Phoebe and my mother. I'd hate to think where I'd be without them. I had always thought my father and I were the strength in our family. But after his death, I realised how wrong I'd been. I was devastated, but their quiet strength and giving nature was the sole source of my recovery.

"I'm ashamed to think I'd always taken my mother for granted. She was always so solid and dependable - the one I could turn to in need. But as a child, I saw my mother's warm haven as a seductive refuge, and something I pushed away from - as if by needing her I was admitting a weakness - that I was not yet ready to tackle the world. Instead I tried to cultivate my determination and drive to do everything independently.

"During that difficult year, I learnt a lot about myself. Knowing firsthand how important it was, I cultivated a better empathy with people. Now, I'd like to think I had my father's drive and my mother's warmth."

"Your parents must have been incredible, if you are anything to judge by. I can't imagine you *not* having a personable nature, that reaches into people."

"No, I was awful growing up. Quite obdurate and scathing. I had little tolerance for weakness. Before their deaths, there wasn't a thing I didn't think I could do. I was *that* cocky. But I'll never forget the gentleness, the humane spirit ... and a good kick, that rescued me from my depths. It pains me to think my sister and mother believe they've lost me as well."

"Is that when you met Mark?" Chakotay hesitantly asked. He tried to keep his tone bland, so it would not betray his intense interest.

"It was shortly after that year that I rediscovered Mark. Mark had been a childhood acquaintance for whom I held my infamous scathing opinion. I couldn't see him for his admirable mature qualities and gentle character until then. But he became such a wonderful friend and a balm to my ordeal. Although my sister and mother were godsend, he helped me rediscover the spark and love I had for space exploration."

"Was he in Starfleet?"

"No. Losing my father and Justin the way I did, I guess he was a welcome change. I don't want to belittle his importance by implying he was convenient. I loved him. He'd been the quiet supportive force that made me whole and alive again. And we were planning a wonderful life together."

Chakotay was painfully aware of her continued affection for Mark, but his hope flared at the past tense she used to describe her feelings for him. This was the first time she spoke about him. He had felt the other man's presence for so long it was strange to publicly acknowledge him. Still, he was torn between discovering more, yet respecting her privacy. "Kathryn. You don't need to explain -"

"No. It's better that you understand. It had taken me a long time to feel again, and Mark was with me throughout it all. He'd been in love with me since the fourth grade, though heaven knows why. I thought I was the luckiest person in the world to be able to have that kind of devotion. And as my strength grew, so did my love for him. He completed my soul when I thought it was lost forever."

"Was he very different from Justin?"

"Yes. There couldn't have been two more different people. I was passionate about Justin. Perhaps it was because of his tightly controlled demeanour. Or that I alone had delved beyond his brisk and cold exterior to find a beautiful sensitive core. With him, it was an inevitable conclusion that we would be together. I was completely captivated by him and found him irresistible. I suppose in retrospect, our relationship advanced more quickly than I was comfortable with, so I was so much more emotionally vulnerable. He was my first love and having it end so prematurely and tragically, made it especially difficult. Mark was completely different. Our relationship progressed very slowly and I developed so much confidence and strength from his open and giving love. In turn, I was completely able to share myself with him and give him all my love."

"They both sound like good men for you. You were very fortunate to have each of them come into your life when they did. Oddly enough, you might not have considered them if their order was reversed."

Janeway was silent for a moment, reflecting on Chakotay's statement. "You're probably right," she slowly said, "but I was willing to share my life with both of them. I'd like to think our love would have endured through any stage of it."

"I'm sorry Kathryn. I didn't mean it to come out that way. I can see why they meant so much to you and why they're still in your heart. You've been through a hell of a lot. Most people suffering your losses would have nothing left to give. Yet, instead of being bitter or angry like I was, you continue to give to this crew, day after day, and make hard decisions that benefit others but takes its toll on you. It'd be easier to give up, or take the understandably selfish way out - but not you. You're an incredible woman Kathryn Janeway!"

Kathryn snorted. "Chakotay, you flatter me, but it's a little misplaced. I've had the best training, and still, I failed to make important decisions that could have saved lives. Or at least one life. What you see is no hero, but a person who's haunted and driven by so many mistakes of my past. Perhaps it is only in this quadrant that I can more objectively consider them. You know, a few months ago, I would never have discussed this with anyone. Even a month ago, I would not have dwelled on this subject."

"But ever since the Tokath swarm incident with the Kazon, you've been acting peculiarly."

"Chakotay, does anything get by you? During that incident when we were trying to find a solution to save Voyager from having its shield and hull ingested by the Tokath, I finally discovered the reason why I had such a hard time coming to terms with my father and Justin's death. Until the Tokath incident, I completely blocked out what really happened with the Terra Nova on Tau Ceti Prime. The memories came back under the stress of making an eerily similar decision between saving two sets of lives: return to the planet to retrieve our people and face another swarm attack which we could not survive - or leave our large away team behind." Kathryn paused as she inwardly recalled the painful events.

Chakotay nudged gently, "Go on. What happened when you were thrown out of the test vessel and your father and Justin were trapped on board. Your files read that they drowned in the crash."

"No, they were alive!" Janeway choked. I couldn't make the choice. There was only enough energy for a single transport and I could see them both. And they looked at me - relying on me to save them. At that moment, I couldn't choose one over the other. They both meant too much and I was afraid to face either outcome. Instead, I thought I could defeat the odds. I worked on a way to get them both. But I was seconds too late. I had always risen to challenges and I was determined to win this one. I gambled like James Kirk, and tried to avoid my Kobayashi Maru dilemma. But I lost everything instead. I might have even won, but I was too slow gaining consciousness and I lost precious time."

Chakotay expelled a deep breath. "Oh, Kathryn." He enveloped her in his embrace as she reflexively donned her wooden mask to prevent the sob from escaping. "And you'd only realised it this past month and kept it to yourself. God, Kathryn - why do you have to be so strong?" As Chakotay rocked her in his arms, he felt her body shake as it finally betrayed the deep anguish.

When the shaking subsided, Kathryn pulled herself away from his warm, intoxicating embrace. Somewhat embarrassed by her reaction, she focused on his bars, and cleared her throat before looking into his waiting eyes. "I'm sorry. I haven't lost control like that for fifteen years. It's all been overwhelming. The combination of confiding anguishes, last month's revelation, the significance of this day, the sleepless week, the comfortable shoulder -"

Chakotay shook his head harshly. "Kathryn, you don't need to play Captain around me all the time. It's been a difficult journey as it is, and I'd like to think I could share part of my pain and insecurities with someone else - and not have it affect my professional relationship." Gently he added, "I'd like to think you could as well."

Kathryn smiled at herself, and at him for the obvious attempt. "Chakotay, I may never reveal this much of myself again, but, I want to thank you for making this evening easier for me. I didn't realise how much I needed to talk."

Chakotay smiled at her acknowledgement. "You don't need me to tell you that it wasn't your fault. Call it the limitations or frailties of being human. We can't always know what the future will be to make the right decisions every time. In hindsight, perhaps you should have cut your losses and made a choice. But, can you honestly say that you'd be any less haunted? Perhaps you'd be angrier with yourself for not exhausting other options, no matter how slim to save them both. Either way, you lose: cutting your losses and choosing one over the other without trying other options - or trying to save them both, succeeding, yet running out of time. I guess that's why they call it the Kobayashi Maru dilemma. Neither solution succeeds. But it *is* time to accept the outcome. You've punished yourself long enough."

"You didn't see the look on their faces. There was a calm assurance that I would somehow manage ... and I failed."

"Kathryn, you were all Starfleet Officers. You were also younger then and more idealistic. Had it been either of them making the decision, and they saved you, would you have been able to forgive them for losing the other? And if you could forgive them, then why not forgive yourself. It's been fifteen years!"

"It may have been fifteen years ago, but I'm reminded with each crisis that requires me to make life and death decisions. And especially out here, without any back-up or room for failure. There's just too much at stake. I can't let my judgement be clouded from making a timely decision."

"So that's why you've held me at bay," he whispered. Chakotay did not realise he spoke his thoughts aloud until she looked up at him in shock. And they both recognised the truth. Chakotay knew Kathryn was more vulnerable than he'd ever seen her. Had he been a bigger person, he would have backed off and given her the space to recover, but he couldn't stop himself from pursuing this naked truth now that it had been exposed.

He quietly continued. "You're not afraid of standing against protocol or tradition. I've seen you make decisions that countermanded Starfleet protocols because you felt it was in Voyager's best interest. You're afraid of being involved with me because you don't want to be in a position to make that kind of choice again. Me versus Voyager."

"No, it's not like that -" Kathryn whispered.

"Yes, it is, and we both know it," Chakotay quickly cut her off. "I'm a big boy Kathryn. You are Captain of this ship. I've been big enough to execute your decisions that I've personally disagreed with. I've been big enough to quell months of mutinous sentiments from my former crew in our early stages when *I* couldn't even begin to explain my loyalty to you. Hell, I've even *left* you and gathered the crew while you remained on the bridge ready to self-destruct Voyager. And if I can do all these things and still not let it affect the way I feel for you - or not let how I feel for you interfere with my job - then I can also accept the choices you're bound to make as Captain of Voyager - even if that includes you sending me to my death."

"But I can't!" she ground out. "After losing Justin and my Father to Starfleet, I don't think I could get involved in a relationship with another Starfleet Officer. And least of all, with someone directly reporting to me. I don't think I could bear to make another life and death decision with someone I love. Not again. Because, as Captain, I *know* which choice I'd have to make." She choked back her tears. Her emotions were at a fever pitch. She hadn't felt this unnerved for fifteen years.

Chakotay watched Kathryn struggle to regain her control. 'Damn!' he cursed himself as he leapt off the sofa. He went to stand by the window, giving her the time she wanted to collect herself. He was being unfair to her. So much for relieving her of her burdens of command. 'Damn!' he cursed himself again. 'The first time she truly opens up and I barge my way in while she's at her most vulnerable,' he angrily thought.

When he heard her shift, he returned to her and held her fists. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you like that. I understand your hesitation. Any less a person would have quit a long time ago, and settled for an easier life. You've had the strength and tenacity to make it to the top. Well, you're definitely the highest Starfleet rank in this quadrant," he grinned and waited for her slow response. "And as Captain, you've forced yourself to confront these life and death decisions many times over. But you can't spend the rest of this life avoiding intimate connections to people. It's not fair to yourself, especially when the possibility of 70 years on Voyager is very real. The delta quadrant isn't some kind of penance that you have to endure for not being perfect. Perhaps you should give yourself the same fresh start you've given so many of us. Perhaps it's time to let go of the past and -"

"And let the eagles go to sleep Chakotay?" she smiled wryly up at him with moist eyes.

He grinned then flashed her a beautiful dimpled smile. 'God, she's captivating!' "Yes. Even the eagles must know when to sleep. And that goes doubly for stubborn Voyager Captains."

Janeway stifled a yawn at the mention of sleep, and burst out laughing at Chakotay's improvisation.

Chakotay felt he never heard anything so welcome. It had been an intense evening, and the joyous release was unimaginably sweet. He laughed aloud with her, startling them both with a full throated bellow. They looked at each other between the tears and laughter and found their arms embracing each other.

Then somehow it all changed. Chakotay looked down at her with such unguarded tenderness that her vulnerabilities surfaced and creased her brow. Unconsciously, he bent down to smooth away her furrows with his lips. But when she reflexively closed her eyes and tilted her face to meet his lips, he couldn't prevent the long groan from escaping as he covered her quivering mouth with his own. Kathryn pressed into his open mouth and like flames licking dry wood, they were instantly consumed with a burning need to be closer. He felt he was drowning within her never imagining she'd respond to him so voraciously, even despite their last kiss on New Earth. How he found the strength, he didn't know, but he pulled back from her so abruptly, she gasped with shock. Moments passed as they panted for air and tried to quell their thudding hearts.

"I'm sorry Kathryn," he rasped. "There's nothing I want more than to be with you. But not like this - when you're too vulnerable. I need you to come to me freely."

"I may never be able to do that," Kathryn choked.

"I know," he said simply. "That's why I have to leave you now. Because if you're ever mine, Kathryn Janeway, I won't be able to let you go." He kissed her lightly one last time, and left her sitting on the couch as he exited her quarters. Strangely they were both reminded of their last night on New Earth, when then too, he had stopped the kiss. She recalled how he had held her soul in his hands and gently returned it because he knew that was what she wanted. Again, it was Chakotay who now returned them to reality. This time, he held her soul in his hands but did not return it immediately. He held it gently. Waiting for her to reclaim it. Waiting for her to make a choice.

God, she didn't remember feeling this empty before.

As Kathryn lay quietly in her bed, her thoughts continuously shifted between the past and the present. Amidst the swirling white mist, she saw her father toss her up in the air and race through the cornfields. She felt Justin envelop her in his arms when he revealed how he couldn't let the Cardassians harm her. She watched the Terra Nova bubble below the water's surface as it extracted the last breath of life. She heard her anguished scream echo incessantly with that realisation. She felt her hold on life slipping, but found herself cocooned in her mother's embrace instead. She felt the cold splash of reality return with her sister's drive. She saw Mark's last farewell as Molly Malone jumped into his lap knocking him back. She saw every face past and present of Voyager's crew. Yet in the end, her thoughts rested on Chakotay's endearing face. And with that image, a tear slipped onto her pillow, as sleep finally enshrouded her.

Chakotay tossed in his bed. His thoughts kept churning through their evening. He was at once elated and concerned and angry. His relationship with Kathryn had moved to a different plane with their shared revelations. He had wondered about her past but still could not have imagined such a tragedy. God that woman's been through hell and back. But much as she'd like to believe she lived in the future, she did pine behind. Her past clouded her more than she cared to admit. He didn't miss the coincidence of the tragic ship's name Terra Nova. New Earth. When she named the planet did she see it like the vessel that entombed her Father and fiancé? Or did she see it like he did - a new life?

Chakotay had to admit, his interest in discovering her past was not solely motivated by simply wanting to help her. But even he surprised and displeased himself when he practically forced her to confront their relationship. As if she didn't have enough on her mind. But, ever since his return from New Earth, he was besieged by niggling doubts that perhaps they should have come to a resolution on their relationship. Instead, he followed her lead, which inevitably meant the safe return to status quo. He knew in his heart, this was the right thing to do, and what Kathryn needed, but a small part of him grew impatient at this continued state. This part of him seized on the opportunity to refigure into Kathryn's life, asking her to consider them again. The bigger part of him was angry at placing her in this situation when she was not ready. Especially today of all days.

But in the end, he couldn't deny that he was pleased at the overall outcome. The possibility that he meant something more to her was gratifying. And when they kissed! He groaned aloud. When was she going to allow herself to fully embrace him instead of shielding herself? He sighed. She certainly wasn't going to feel comfortable exploring this relationship if he kept pounding on his chest. In the end, he had a rather sleepless night.

The next morning, Janeway woke up feeling rested and lighter than she had in a long while. Then she recalled last night's talk with Chakotay and smiled. He tugged at her heart. Sharing her past with him helped her put things into perspective. Perhaps she *was* punishing herself - forcing herself, time and again to make the critical life and death decisions as Captain of Voyager. As if it would undo the tragedy of the past. Chakotay was right. Even now, she couldn't have saved one life over the other, without having tried to save them both.

Every decision she made in the delta quadrant was the same. Every crew member was valuable. Her decisions were based on all of them succeeding, and not walking away, accepting the smaller losses. How many times did she risk the entire crew to save one life? Some might criticise her for being foolhardy, but they could not afford to continue this journey, without every member. Everyone depended on each other, and she gave each of them confidence that they could count on their Captain to fight on their behalf. They'd been fortunate in their encounters to suffer as little losses as they did given the circumstances. But she knew that without the full support and confidence of her entire crew, they would not have made it this far. She was also gratified that any one of them would willingly sacrifice their own lives to save the rest. It was that symbiotic relationship that fuelled Voyager.

Chakotay woke up dazed. He hardly slept last night. He was anxious to see Kathryn again. He wondered how she'd feel this morning. Did she regret either their emotional or physical intimacy? God, he hoped not. He was trying to rein in his emotions and contain his imagination. By the time he got to the Mess Hall, he had convinced himself that she would retreat again. When he didn't see her at breakfast, his heart sank and his suspicion seemed confirmed. He sat down to eat, looking so preoccupied that he didn't notice B'Elanna and Kim's approach. They veered off to another table when they failed to catch his eye.

"Commander." Janeway stood looking down at him impassively.

He motioned for her to join him. "Captain. I didn't see you. Have you had breakfast yet?"

Janeway smiled at his mild discomfort. "At ease Commander. I've already eaten, but I came to see you before duty shift."

"How are you feeling this morning?" he asked.

Janeway beamed at him. "You know I feel better today than I have in a long time. I wanted to thank you for being there yesterday. You've helped me more than you could know."

Chakotay sighed with relief.

"Chakotay, you look like you've been through the wringer!"

"Kathryn, you surprised me. I thought I made a mess of everything. I'd like to apologise for coming on so strongly yesterday. I should have been more sensitive. I should have -"

"Chakotay, please stop. We can't change the past. I can't change the past. You were right. I've been letting it affect the relationships around me. You've always been a good friend to me. I'd like you to be able to count on me as well."

Chakotay sat stunned wearing a foolish grin on his face. He never expected *this*. Unsure of what it meant, but damn happy all the same, he reached across the table and gave her hand a squeeze. "It's good to have you back again."

"Come on. Duty calls."

As they entered the bridge, they caught Tuvok's eye. He noted the difference in Janeway's comportment and nodded approval.

Over the next few months, they spent most of their free time together. They were tentatively developing their relationship. They talked more about their past. They spent time sharing their recreational interests. They even explored Chakotay's New Earth holoprogram several times. She had not run the program since she first came across it. It did not seem right before now. She could visit the planet without feeling the weight of the past.

Despite all of this new-found closeness, they were always careful to maintain a distance. It was odd, yet comforting that they could spend so much time together, and still maintain a platonic relationship. They were quite accustomed to keeping a firm check on their simmering sexual tensions. Their last kiss reminded them just how volatile their passions were and neither of them were prepared to face that, yet.

Tonight, Chakotay had a surprise for her. All he told her was to dress in hiking gear. She decided to return the surprise by telling him she'd cook dinner and bring it along. He raised his eyebrows but wisely kept quiet. She had Neelix prepare all the ingredients, and promptly appeared after her shift. She dismissed a protesting Neelix from the galley and asked him to return in an hour. The last thing she needed was his hovering concern and suggestions. Cooking, like captaining, was best done solo.

She wanted to make something special. Something that would surprise and impress Chakotay. He still teased her of the botched attempt she had made with their breakfast on New Earth. If the monkey hadn't appeared and lured her outside, the pancake wouldn't have burned. She had taken the pan off the cooking element, but the bottom sizzled anyway. Chakotay gamely ate it, but she took a good ribbing.

Since then, she had never convinced him that she knew how to cook. In spite of her resistance, her mother had insisted she learn all of the cooking basics. Especially because of this 'chore', she had wished for a replicator like everyone else. "No wonder you like replicated food," Chakotay had jibed, "if all your meals turned out like the pancake." So she chose a soufflé lightly seasoned with fresh herbs from the hydroponics bay, Chakotay's favourite fried corn, and spiced fiddleheads. That should show him! Although not exactly practical for a hike, it would be preserved if packed properly.

As she checked on the soufflé's progress, and admired her expanding creation, Neelix returned. "Well, Chef Captain, how goes dinner?" he boomed. Her face must have been pitiful as her ego deflated with the soufflé. She would have cheerfully strangled Neelix had Chakotay not interrupted over the comm. system.

"Captain, I just wanted to see how dinner's coming along. Will you be ready to meet me in Holodeck 2 in fifteen minutes?" She swore she heard laughter in his voice.

Between her gritted teeth, she managed to reply. "Chakotay, I'll be there ... with dinner. Janeway out." Neelix made his escape at that point, so she was left staring at her once beautiful soufflé.

They met at the holodeck each carrying gear. She asked him about the contents of his pack but he just grinned in reply. They entered on a narrow ledge, halfway up the foothills of some beautiful canyons. She estimated it was mid-afternoon. There was a slight breeze that whistled through the valley. "Are we climbing up or down?"

"Up, just a bit. It would normally take a skilled climber 9 hours just to get here but I advanced the program. It should take another hour to get to my perch." They started climbing in companionable silence, altering leads.

At one point the faint trail they'd been following petered out and they stood precariously on a slip of ledge. Janeway looked around Chakotay to the drop below. "What next?" she asked.

"This is the tricky part. We climb along the wall face. There are a few hand and foot grips on the sides of this cliff. We just need to climb around that protrusion, about 50 feet. We could use gear, but the holographic safeties are in place."

"We'll do it your way then. Au naturel, I presume." He grinned at her then tightened his load.

"Just follow my holds. I've done this many times, although it's been a while. There's just one nasty and pointy jut. You really have to reach for the footholds. Then, hug yourself into the point in order to get around it. There are unexpected gusts of wind that pick up as we go around, so be sure that you've got a firm grip before letting go, and be prepared to lean into the wall face when that happens. Ready?"

She studied his grip as he started off. She followed suit, and managed reasonably well. Although they were moving fairly slowly, they were almost at the apex within a few minutes. She could see the pointy jut that he referred to. She watched his approach before he disappeared around the other side. The angle of the reclined wall was also going to be difficult. She'd have to lean back, relying on her arms and feet to grip her to the wall. As a female, her lower centre of gravity would have helped, but the backpack shifted this centre and removed this advantage. Her arm muscles strained as it fought against gravity's pull. She shifted her right foot to search for the next hold. She could hear Chakotay urging her to reach further and further. Just as she thought she couldn't stretch anymore, she found the foothold and gasped relief. 'Now to get around this bloody jut!' Chakotay was right. The jut was pointy, and she had to push into it in order to maintain the precarious balance. As she swung herself around, and transferred her weight to her right side she felt his warm grip anchoring her wrist. She came around to see him grinning his approval.

After that, the rest seemed easy. They were nearly at the ledge, when she heard the wind's approach. She instinctively hugged into the wall, but saw Chakotay was just transferring his weight to his right. The wind managed to unhinge his left arm and may have unseated him, but she quickly slid her right arm along the wall and caught his elbow, reinforcing his hold until he could regain his grip. This time it was her turn to grin at him. They held that position for several minutes, waiting out the gust, grinning at their preposterous position. When they finally reached the ledge, he embraced her in his arms, whispered his thanks and gave her a quick kiss on her forehead. She returned her thanks but could only reach his lips. Although she meant it to be equally quick, Chakotay flinched back and they separated uncomfortably.

Chakotay turned and started walking. "It's just a little further, and there's no more climbing."

A little off-balanced, she stood a moment, before following, unsure of what just transpired.

They rounded a final bend, and Kathryn exclaimed in awe. "Chakotay, it's beautiful!" She could hear her voice repeatedly echo in the distance. There was an eerie hush as if they had reached a pocket of space where no sound existed and the echo only added to the surrealism. The final bend presented the mouth of the canyon, as it spread itself before them. The plunging canyon walls and river meandered into the distance. The dry climate provided a crisp and sharp vista and the bands of colours glowed in the late afternoon sun.

Chakotay watched enraptured as she took in the view. 'Beautiful' still resonating in his head, echoing his sentiments. Just then, she looked up at him to share her joy and caught his gaze. She shivered. He mistook that for a chill and stood behind her to share his warmth. Still confused over his previous withdrawal, she moved slowly away as his hands dropped from her arms. "Are you hungry?" she asked politely.

It took him just a moment to recover, feeling like the echo: a beat behind. "Yes. I'm looking forward to your feast."

They busied themselves setting up camp. As Kathryn removed the dinner packs, she noted that the force field meant to keep the contents heated, intact and protected from any jostling were disengaged. Her spirit sagged. The controls must have rubbed against her backpack as she was hiking. She opened up the contents, only to find a melange of vegetables and soufflé scrambled throughout the container.

"Mmm, looks good. What is it?" inquired Chakotay casually.

Kathryn glared at him, daring him to so much as smirk. When he didn't blink, she softened. "It's uh, an unnamed speciality of mine."

"I'm looking forward to it. I hope it tastes as good as it looks."

Kathryn looked at him again, suspecting he was toying with her, but he maintained a bland face.

Chakotay settled into a comfortable position as Kathryn waved off his attempts to help her prepare dinner. "Where are we?" she inquired.

"We're about fifty kilometres from my childhood home. I discovered this place when I ran away once. That morning, my father wanted to discuss a ritual I was to undergo, which marked my passage from boyhood. I refused to learn what it was about. I thought it was another nail that would seal me into my tribal coffin. So while the elders were discussing my task, I jumped onto my hover-bike and flew as fast as I could. Somehow, the wind guided me to the valley below. I'd never ventured this far alone. I was only intent on widening the distance from my 'burdens' at home and instinctively steered towards the unknown. And when I saw the mouth of the canyon gaping before me, I was awe-struck. I felt I had to know this place.

"I looked around, trying to find a place where I could absorb the view. I knew a high ledge would be best. I couldn't spot one because flying crafts were not permitted in the canyons due to noise and turbulence. But I was sure there was some way up, so I took my hover-bike back until I found a starting place to climb. I left my bike behind, and spent the rest of the day just to reach the point you and I started from. Once there, I was so disappointed that the view was blocked, I knew I couldn't quit. I skirted around the ledge until the trail ran out. I'm not sure what I was thinking, but I had come this far, and I felt the view was just around the last bend. Reaching the far side became my focus. So I started climbing the rock face like we did. I was young and agile, and felt no danger, until I came to that jut. I tried feeling around it, but I had just about given up when I found that final foothold. By this point, my only focus was to find my view. So I drove myself till I got here."

Janeway shook her head, imagining a younger Chakotay climbing a strange rock face - solo without any protective gear. Reckless. Then she remembered her equally heedless stunt to swim the banned Martian crater alone. "How did you feel when you reached it?"

"There's something momentous about driving yourself to a goal, testing yourself and pushing your limits until you reach it. And then finding it well worth the effort. As I marvelled at the view, I also realised that I had overcome my fear of heights. I had not even thought about it. My only focus was to find this place. I just sat here for hours as if I alone existed."

"There is something compelling about this place. I can see why it's special." She handed him his dinner.

Chakotay waited until she was comfortably seated beside him, gazing out and ingesting the view. He then took a healthy scoop of her 'creation'. Although it didn't immediately appeal, he managed to chew with relish. Kathryn looked relieved and started to eat herself. She took a tentative bite and managed to swallow. By the fifth bite, the mixed flavours and cold rubbery texture took on a distinctly unpleasant edge. Neither of them could deny their distaste any longer. They both put down their plates and looked apologetically at each other.

"I'm sorry. I guess the climb took the edge off my appetite," Chakotay offered.

"No. That was awful."

They reached for their canteen of water and gulped it down to wash away the lingering taste.

"I think I prefer the burnt pancakes," Chakotay quipped.

"I think I prefer Neelix's leola root soup."

They started chuckling. Then laughing. Soon tears were streaming down Janeway's face as she howled. "The look on your face when you first started to chew - as if it were a tantalising treat!" This sent Chakotay roaring harder.

"You should have seen *your* face. As if you had to convince yourself this wasn't as bad as you suspected. But found it only got worse!" Janeway broke into a fresh wave of laughter, clutching her stomach and rolling uncontrollably.

"And was it as good as it looked?" she managed between waves.

"Yes." His simple answer had them both hysterical. "So what *was* dinner?"

He could barely make out "soufflé" in her attempts to answer him. Finally, Kathryn had to put up her hand, as she gasped for air. "No more ... Chakotay ... please ... no more."

Chakotay was the first to recover. He watched Kathryn as her laughter slowly subsided. Captivated again by her beauty. When she could finally breathe, she explained. "It fell but I was too stubborn to use the replicator. I'm sorry. I ruined dinner."

"No don't be. I'd eat it every day to hear you laugh like that."

"Well, you're fortunate I care enough about you that I won't hold you to that." They exchanged a fond smile. "We may have to cut our evening here short. The climb has made me ravenous, and we should get something to eat."

"As a matter of fact, I came prepared." Chakotay opened his pack to reveal tortillas, vegetables and fruits. "Neelix came to see me after he left you. He was quite beside himself, and wanted to apologise for spoiling your dinner."

"So you *were* toying with me all along," Kathryn smirked.

"Well. Let's just say I wanted to observe the legendary Janeway composure."

"I may have to put a commendation in your file, for coming prepared. But I think from now on, I'll stick to bridge duty."

"Kathryn, you can cook for me any time. Your meals are never dull." They shared a final laugh at her expense, and devoured the contents of his pack.

"So what happened when you returned home? Was your father very angry with you?"

"Surprisingly not. It was too dark to climb down, so I camped here overnight. It was my first time solo. But I wasn't scared. I felt quite safe. I thought he'd be very worried or angry because I didn't make it back until the following afternoon. All the way home, I had rehearsed a speech about being old enough to have some independence, and freedom to go about my life as I chose, and not have to follow the path set out by our tribe. But when I returned, nobody seemed to have noticed my absence. Finally, I confronted my father."

"Father, you can stop worrying. I'm back now."

"Yes Chakotay, I can see that. But we have not worried. The spirits have kept you safe while you underwent your Ptarmagh - the ascension to manhood."

"No Father, you don't understand. I didn't undergo your ritual. I ran away."

"No Chakotay. It is you that does not understand. You can not run from yourself. Your spirit guide has served you well. You have taken the first step in the Ptarmagh, and challenged yourself, beyond your childhood fears to achieve your goals."

"At first I was annoyed. Then stunned when I realised he was right. I had conquered my fear of heights, and had driven myself to reach these new heights. Much as I tried to avoid the ritual, I had actually undergone it. Ironically, from that experience, the need to reach beyond myself and discover the unknown has always been a burning drive."

"And the compulsion to enter Starfleet. Your father was right about this being your Ptarmagh. How did he know?"

"Many years later, he told me that they had sent out a search party when I did not return home by nightfall. He had found my hover-bike. From there, their scanners revealed my location. Reassured that I was safe, he controlled the urge to haul me off the cliff. Instead, he saw how my action could suit his purpose so he had everyone pretend nonchalance at my absence."

"Your father was a very wise man. I can see him in you." She looked about her in awe. Each sweep revealed another beautiful facet. The setting sun had cast a reddish net across the canyons. "This is breathtaking. One can't help but feel like a minor visitor in time. A dot beside these ancient monoliths. And the silence is unnatural. What causes this?"

"You're always the scientist Kathryn. This particular spot seems to be in an eddy bubble, protected from the swirling winds."

"It makes for a wonderful refuge. Did you come here very often?"

"I used to come here whenever I needed to get away. I spent hours here losing the world. Finding my core. You are the first person that I've ever brought here."

Then Kathryn gazed into his eyes and found herself staring into his soul. And she felt drawn in, wanting and needing to be a part of it. There was a pure beauty there that uplifted her. A calm sense of belonging. Of rightness. As she moved closer, he matched her movement. Like two sides of a mirror. One being, appearing as two. They merged and embraced, shattering their reality.

Chakotay whispered, "Kathryn Janeway, I love you." He pulled back to watch her reaction.

Her smile slowly spread, until it reached her eyes - and with it, a tear coursed gently down her face. They were reminded of the time on New Earth, when Chakotay had first revealed his devotion to her. But the barrier that had always been between them, was no longer there. She ran her finger along his tattoo and cupped his face, looking at it, as if to etch the memory in her mind. She leant into him, hovering inches from his lips. Their breath mingled, exchanged and quickened in sync, as they were struck with this intimacy. Then she touched his mouth and tasted his lips. And felt them move with hers. As if they had always belonged there.

Chakotay strove to maintain some equilibrium, but as this kiss progressed, his control spiralled away. *This* was what they had carefully avoided the last month. Afraid it would sweep them away - before they had a chance to establish a comfortable rhythm to their relationship - trying it on for size. But now ... with his admission of love ... and her embracing response ...

When she moaned into his mouth, it was all he could do to contain himself. He felt his body shiver and he pulled back to look at her, delighting in the passion that played across her face. His own flared in response. He gathered her, deepening the kiss while gently laying her down, keeping constant contact, as if she were his lifeline. Then she gasped and bolted upright, knocking him aside.

"Kathryn. What's wrong?" he hoarsely asked.

Kathryn reached to the nape of her neck and scraped off a handful of cold slop. Chakotay had laid her atop her plate and the soufflé had oozed up her back and around her neck. They both chuckled. "Well, it looks like this soufflé has spoiled more than just dinner," she huskily noted.

Chakotay lightly traced her chin. "No, I don't think so," he softly replied. The lingering passion in her eyes was almost his undoing. He gave her one quick kiss. "Computer, end program." As the cliff was replaced by the sobering black and yellow grid, he helped Kathryn up. "I think this is what we've been trying to avoid since that last evening. But I don't want you to think I intended to seduced you with the setting."

"Chakotay, you know I don't think that. But you're right. I think the next step has to be done with a clear head. There'll be no turning back." She reached up to entwine her hand around his neck, but heard a splat. They looked down to see more soufflé had fallen off her back.

"It looks like you need to take a shower and get all this food off," he grinned as he scraped the residual off her back and hair. "Why don't you go ahead. I'll clean up this mess." More seriously, he brushed back a loose strand of her hair and caught her eyes. He looked for, and found the smouldering embers. "And if you're ready ... I'll be waiting for you in my quarters," he softly proposed. "But I want you to know, that I'll understand if you don't come."

"Chakotay ..." she trailed off.

"I know. You mean a lot to me too. And I'll wait forever, if I have to Kathryn Janeway."

Kathryn departed the holodeck and made her way back to her quarters, thankfully without encountering anyone. While showering, she marvelled at her relationship with Chakotay. Although she had played out the pros and cons many times, it now came down to a single fact: she was in love with him. Forever it seemed. And despite her control and her waging war against this, he'd become too dear to her. And she finally recognised this inevitability. Their awkward dancing earlier only proved that they were both avoiding the inevitable.

They were acutely aware of their volatile passions and spent the last month keeping it under tight control. They avoided any intimacy as neither of them trusted themselves to hold back. And today was the proof. It didn't take more than a kiss. Hell, it didn't take more than an unguarded look. This was going to be a distraction. They'd been progressing slowly, but even the first light kiss on the cliff proved that denying their passions now was becoming awkward and possibly detrimental to their careful relationship. Perhaps it was time. Her body certainly betrayed it! And her mind? It was almost convinced. Wouldn't it be better to have him in her life completely, than to regret having never done so? Which regret would she prefer?

But even as she debated, she took extra care with her appearance. Her skin glowed and held a faint trace of an exotic Benaran perfume. Her hair was brushed in loose waves around her shoulders. But as her hand leafed through her closet, she rejected the silk night-gown, then the other feminine attire. She settled on her uniform. Perhaps it was out of habit, but she wanted to remind herself and him, that whatever else they may become, she was still Captain - and they could not forget that. Just before she left her quarters, she hesitated, then secured her hair back in a clip.

She appeared at his door about ninety minutes since her departure from the holodeck. She hesitated outside, suddenly nervous. What if she was wrong? What if he gave up and was sleeping? God, it had been a while. If their kissing was any prelude to their intimacies ... Was this a mistake? Then she remembered his constant face. His gentle reassuring eyes. His devotion and understanding. His beckoning lips. And she knew this was right.

Chakotay stood on the other side of the door. He'd been pacing for an hour. It had not taken him long to clean the holodeck. He had showered and shaved, wanting to cleanse himself from the exerting climb. 'Come on, Chakotay. How many times do you shave before going to bed?' he mocked. Perhaps she wasn't coming. He had been so sure. God, she's driving him nuts. He recalled his father telling him that when a man really loves a woman, he'd be willing to do anything for her. He thought it was a silly romantic notion. But he knew with a fierceness there wasn't a thing he wouldn't do for her. But waiting. The uncertainty was getting unbearable. Perhaps she was right. Perhaps they should reconsider. He never realised how mischievous the spirits were. To have finally met his equal. A woman that considered duty above all else. *He*, who had little time for love. Women yes. Love no. Until now. It wasn't too late to reconsider. He just as quickly discarded the notion.

His door buzzed. He opened it immediately to find her standing there, surprised by his quick response. He struggled to interpret her presence. She was in uniform. But she was here. He was elated.

"Can I come in Chakotay or are you going to keep me out here?" she nervously teased.

"No. Sorry. Please. Come in. I was just surprised to see you here," he babbled.

"You did invite me to come."

"Yes. I did. You smell wonderful. Um. Do you want something to eat?" He inwardly groaned. He couldn't believe he said that. And didn't they just have dinner together?

She was feeling more reassured. 'He's just as nervous as I am.' She moved to place her hands on his thudding chest.

Her communicator chirped.

"Tuvok to Captain Janeway."

"Janeway here."

"Captain, we've detected a spatial singularity."

Janeway heard the words he did not say. "Is it a wormhole?"

"Very possibly," replied Tuvok.

"I'm on my way, Tuvok. Call all Senior Officers to the bridge."

They both snapped into motion and headed out the door.

"Captain, I'm going to terminate Kim's level two diagnostics. We'll need full systems online."

"Good idea Commander," she replied as they made their way towards the turbolift. "It seems today may turn out to be quite the day." As they rode up to the bridge, their eyes met and wordlessly exchanged their understanding.

As Janeway stepped onto the bridge, she exuded optimistic confidence. "Report." She noted that all the Senior Officers were present.

Tuvok relinquished command to the Captain. "Long range sensors have confirmed what appears to be a wormhole. At our present speed of Warp six, we should reach it in three hours."

"Tom, increase our speed to Warp seven. Senior Officers to the Briefing Room."

As they assembled around the table, she saw everyone trying to contain their enthusiasm. "Given our last encounters with wormholes, I don't need to mention the restraint we'll have to project to manage crew expectation. But like you, I do feel quietly optimistic." She watched Kim let out a bigger smile.

"Tom, how long do we have before reaching the wormhole?"

"At Warp seven, we should be there in fourteen minutes."

"B'Elanna, I want you to modify probe configurations, so that they're ready to launch on our arrival. Use the sensor data to determine what modifications will be required."

"I'll get right on it Captain."

"Harry, I want you to run continuous scans on the wormhole for any indication of its egress. I'd also like you to work with Tuvok scanning the adjoining systems for signs of civilisation."

"Aye, Captain."

"Tuvok, I'll need you to analyse the strategic capabilities of any populated systems."

"And determine the necessary precautions," Tuvok finished for her. She nodded approvingly.

"Chakotay, you've got systems and propulsion. If this wormhole pans out, I want us to be in top form for the ride."

"I'll re-divert all current activity to make this a priority," he agreed.

"Doctor, I'd like you and Kes to be on alert as we go into this sector."

"Yes Captain. That *is* my general purpose."

"You've got your tasks people. Let's cross our fingers. Dismissed."

Over the next fifteen minutes, Voyager was abuzz with activity. They had just reached the wormhole and sensors confirmed its stability. The probe was launched and immediately disappeared into the opening.

"Report!"

"Captain, we've just lost contact with the probe. But from the data it was transmitting, the egress is at least thirty thousand light years away. We'll have to analyse the data to determine more specific information," Kim reported.

"Why have we lost contact?" inquired Janeway.

"The shields may be inadequate to maintain its hull integrity. Or the wormhole itself may be interfering with communication. Or it may have travelled beyond transmission range. We can't know for certain until we examine the sensor logs," conjectured B'Elanna.

"Agreed. While you and Harry work on that, consider the modifications required to send a shuttlecraft through."

"Captain, long range scanners are picking up signs of ten approaching ships travelling at three quarters impulse," informed Tuvok. "At their current speed, they should be here in thirty two days."

"I thought you said all adjoining systems were uninhabited," questioned Janeway.

"That is correct. There are no inhabited systems within one light year," puzzled Tuvok. "Extending scanners. There is one inhabited binary system about one point four light years which is in line with the ship's current path."

"Well, I'd say this welcoming committee may give us more answers to this wormhole. Set an intercept course, travelling at Warp three. That should cut the months down to a few hours. In the mean time, I want a full report on the probe sensor data."

Two hours later, the Senior Officers were assembled in the Briefing Room. All eyes were on B'Elanna as she delivered her report.

"Contact with the probe was lost when it progressed about twenty percent into the wormhole. What little log we have, definitely shows an egress towards the alpha quadrant. Very conservative estimates would peg it at thirty thousand light years. I think it's more likely forty thousand. There's no sign that the probe was destroyed, so it could have made it all the way through. Harry and I've been working on modifications to Shuttlecraft Four. We're reinforcing the hull and diverting all the spare power to the shield. By boosting its transmission gain, we should be able to maintain communication contact for a longer period. If we maintain communication when the shuttle progresses at least halfway through the wormhole, it can establish contact with the probe. We can use the shuttle as a repeater and relay the data from the probe. This should provide final confirmation."

"Good work, B'Elanna and Harry. Lieutenant Tuvok, what can you tell us about the ten approaching ships?"

"It would appear they do not have Warp Capability. They are running on a crude propulsion system, and I would say they are near top speed. I would estimate that they've been travelling for five hundred and twenty-three point four days and appear to be heading directly for the wormhole. Their weapons are no threat to Voyager."

"Well, this should be interesting. Lilliputs versus Gulliver. How much longer before interception?"

"In three minutes, but we should be in communication range now," stated Paris.

"Stations everyone."

As everyone filed out onto the Bridge, Janeway noted with satisfaction, the crispness of her crew. The optimism was increasing.

"Tuvok, hail their ships."

"Captain, they are responding."

"On screen. I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation starship Voyager."

"I am Captain Pelos of the X!alosian squadron. We are guardians of the wormhole and request that you not venture near it."

"Captain Pelos. We are travellers from a distant region of space. We're interested in going through the wormhole as an expedient means home. Perhaps we could meet to discuss this in more detail."

"I'm under strict orders to destroy any vessel traversing the wormhole."

Janeway managed to keep a straight face. "With all due respect, Captain Pelos. We've analysed your defensive capabilities and they are no match for our ship. We are willing to consider your claim to the wormhole, but would like to meet with your leaders to discuss an amicable solution to our request."

"One moment please."

As communication ceased, Janeway turned to survey her Officers. "Captain, they're no match for us. We can return to the wormhole, launch the shuttle, evaluate the data, and be through the wormhole before they reach us," reasoned B'Elanna.

"Captain, Starfleet regulations require us to consider the X!alosian claims to the wormhole. Until then, we are morally bound to honour their request," countered Tuvok.

"But Captain, we can't just -"

Janeway held up her hand cutting off further discussion. "Tuvok is correct. The X!alosians have made a claim and we will have to examine the merits of it. Although we can do as you suggest B'Elanna and not technically engage in combat, the spirit of this regulation will be violated. Consider this. Although this race may not be technically advanced, they are spacefaring and possibly close to Warp Capability. Being so strategically close to the wormhole will undoubtedly encourage this along. If this wormhole does prove to be a viable route, then this corridor will be very important. It's equally important that we establish good relations with the X!alosians. It's too early to make any decision yet, but, I've got a feeling they'll want to come to terms with us. I'm sure they recognise their weak bargaining position."

"Captain, we're being hailed," informed Tuvok.

"On screen."

"Captain Janeway, I've relayed your request to Prime Consul Tenan. She has agreed to meet with you and discuss your request when you arrive at X!alosia. Captain Pelos out."

"Lieutenant Paris don't even think about it," Janeway said as Paris was forming the words 'Friendly sort'. "Set a course for X!alosia, Warp six. Commander, I'd like to see you in my Ready Room."

As they seated themselves at her desk, Janeway sighed. "What do you think Chakotay?"

"Thirty to forty thousand light years will make a hell of a difference."

"But is it worth the risk of making a possible enemy?"

"Frankly, yes, Captain. They wouldn't be the first enemy we've made in this quadrant, and certainly not the fiercest. Their claims on the wormhole are dubious. They have little grounds to support it. They can't just claim the wormhole if they cannot defend it. They have no means of reaching it for five weeks. Nobody wants to be a bully, but if they give us little choice ... I just can't see us passing this opportunity."

"Neither can I," admitted Janeway. "But your reasoning surprises me, Chakotay, given your Maquis background. I recall a certain group trying to defend a land without recognised claims. But, you're right. It will make a hell of a difference. It would mean so much to the crew if we cut this trip by half. Just think about it! Within decades we'd be in communication range with the furthest outposts. With their new ships, who knows how quickly they could meet us!"

"But what about Starfleet regulations?" worried Chakotay. He didn't think she would so readily agree.

"I know. Starfleet regulations have always been important to me and I believe wholeheartedly with their principles."

"But?"

"But as Captain of this ship, I also owe a duty to my crew's welfare. I don't know if this ship will survive seven decades with the amount of battles and repairs we've had to undergo. For that matter, *we* may not survive seven decades. This is a young crew, but even Kim would be in his nineties by the time we reached home. What family could this crew return to? I know we owe an allegiance to Starfleet, but we've also developed an allegiance to each other. We may be all the family this crew will ever know."

"And the cost of breaking this regulation?" asked Chakotay. He wanted to be sure she had considered all the issues.

"On the one hand, breaking regulations is breaking regulations."

"Which you've done before. You trespassed through the Swarm space to avoid putting fifteen months on our travels. And they were not a docile species."

"That's true. But the issue is not *can* we, but *should* we? We'd still need to consider the merits of their claim. We could just as easily claim this whole quadrant for the Federation, but without a strong presence, nobody would acknowledge our claim."

"Rendering it meaningless. Right now, that's about the extent of their claim."

Janeway reluctantly nodded. "But I'd like to give their leaders the benefit of the doubt, and see if we can come to some equitable solution."

"Hopefully we'll resolve this in good faith. I've seen you negotiate Captain, and I'd place my wager on you any day," Chakotay grinned.

Janeway smiled back and reached out to pat his hand. "I think you've already done that."

"And have I won?" he asked softly. Chakotay's breath caught in his throat, waiting for her answer.

"Ask me on the other side of the wormhole," she evaded. "Let's get back on the bridge. It's getting a little steamy here," she grinned.

Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay stood waiting for the X!alosian Consuls to appear. Their early presence sent the administrative staff scrambling to round up the leaders.

"Captain, I've got a bad feeling about this. First it took repeated attempts for them to acknowledge our hails. Then there was that delay until they could find Prime Consul Tenan. And now this. They invited us over an hour ago!"

"They were obviously not expecting us this quickly."

"Surely Captain Pelos told them about our 'advanced' technology. They seemed surprised by our speed. Do you think they were stalling for time when Captain Pelos sent us here?"

"I'd bet on it. I wouldn't be surprised if they thought it'd take us a full month to make this trip. It took them almost two years, after all. A month would be all the time they needed to assume position around that wormhole and stake their claim."

"Well, if things go badly for us here, we still have several weeks. We can outrun them to the wormhole and still avoid a conflict."

"Agreed." They both turned as they heard the approaching Administrator.

"Please. Follow me." He led them down several corridors and opened a door to a large room where thirteen Consuls gathered around a long table. They stood up as the Administrator introduced twelve in turn. He turned to the final Consul and exaggerated a low bow to her.

The X!alosians were small humanoids. They had an appealing heart-shaped face, with red eyes, peach skin and blue lips. Their hair resembled wide leafs of seaweed as it stuck against their head. Everyone wore their hair long except for this X!alosian. She stood and greeted them. "I am Tenan, Prime Consul of X!alosia. You must be Captain Janeway. We were not expecting you for months. Captain Pelos was not exaggerating when he said you had advanced technology."

"This is my First Officer, Commander Chakotay. I hope our early arrival is not too great an inconvenience." They were motioned to a newly vacant seat.

"Captain Pelos notified us that you were interested in negotiating a fair passage through the wormhole. X!alosia has claimed the wormhole and intends to block its access." Tenan indicated that Janeway should continue her request.

"We are members of the United Federation of Planets. We are travellers from across the galaxy. We believe the wormhole may be an expedient way home."

"We have been space faring in the last decade and have not met any other ship. During this time, our technology has progressed quite rapidly, but it seems you've done what our scientists have claimed as impossible. Broken the speed of light. We are interested in learning about this technology, and the other one that allows you to instantaneously appear."

Janeway took a sharp intake of breath. "I'm afraid your request is impossible. We are bound by Federation regulations that prohibit us from interfering with the natural development of your society. Our highest regulation is the Prime Directive. As we explore this vast galaxy and visit many planets, we are guided by these principles. The trade of technology would definitely violate that. I'm afraid this is non-negotiable." As Tenan started to shake her head ready to terminate this discussion, Janeway offered an alternative. "Perhaps there is something else of value to your society. Medical supplies, water, minerals, currency?"

Something had obviously caught Tenan's attention. She leant forward. "Do you have allurium? It is a precious metal here and is the basis for our currency. It is becoming rarer to find as all our known mineral deposits are being depleted."

"What would be a reasonable exchange for passage through the wormhole?" inquired Janeway. She was eager to get to the bottom line so they could be on their way.

"Three hundred bars seem appropriate. That should provide us with enough allurium for the next decade. It would give us time to investigate other currency basis, and ease the speculation and inflation that's been plaguing us for the last few years. It would also give you passage through the wormhole," she acknowledged.

"I'll need to consult with my Officers and let you know in one hour. In the meantime, we will need a single allurium bar."

"That's a great deal to be left with newcomers," worried one of the Consuls.

"Perhaps Commander Chakotay can be our guest until you return," smoothly interjected Tenan.

Janeway looked at Chakotay who gave a slight nod. "It's settled then. We'll contact you in one hour."

The Senior Officers were gathered in the Briefing Room. Janeway explained the events and the proposed exchange.

"What will this mean to the ship's resources if we were to replicate three hundred bars of allurium?"

"Captain, the amount of energy to produce this much matter would be enormous. In terms of replicator rations, this would be the equivalent to the entire crew usage over four years," determined Harry.

"It would be worth the decades we'd save," Janeway stated. She could see all were in agreement. "How long will it take to produce this?"

"We could do it within three days, but I'd prefer to stretch the energy load over six," requested Harry.

"Captain, there is also the matter of delivery. I'd suggest using one of the shuttlecrafts instead of transporters. We'll need to conserve as much energy as possible to prepare for the journey through the wormhole," suggested B'Elanna.

"Good point, B'Elanna. Which craft can be spared?" asked Janeway.

"For this load, the only one that'll do is Shuttlecraft Four because of the reinforced hull. After the allurium delivery, we can easily complete the remainder of the shuttlecraft modifications," notified B'Elanna.

"It seems I have some good news to tell the X!alosians."

The week was almost up and there was a palpable buzz in the air. Despite everyone's effort to keep their enthusiasm contained, the excitement of significantly reducing the journey was infectious. Even if it was an uncertainty. Janeway couldn't help noticing how smoothly everything ran. It seemed everyone was eager to ensure Voyager was in top running condition.

Chakotay had stayed behind on X!alosia. He had developed a good rapport with Tenan, and was her personal guest. As such, he had been able to expedite many requests including shore leave for the crew. He had been busy meeting with various Consuls to exchange ideas, learn about their cultures, and offer information about the quadrant. But when Tenan discovered his appreciation of nature, she insisted he take some shore leave and spend the afternoon in their beautiful wilderness. Chakotay had refused, as the allurium was to be delivered shortly. But Tenan was insistent and had even gone as far as elicit Janeway's request for him to do so.

This X!alosian terrain reminded him of the foothills of the Rocky Mountain. He had spent the last few hours hiking up to the top of this hill. 'Hill,' he grimaced. 'It felt more like a small mountain.' He flexed his tired muscles. The planet was a little larger than Earth with a corresponding larger gravity. He looked around. He'd have to build a fire. Despite the late summer climate, it was getting chilly at this altitude and he planned to rest for an hour.

Finding some kindling wood, he built a small fire in the clearing. It threw off enough heat to take the edge off the chill. He sat contemplating the last few days with the X!alosians. Although they were courteous and respectful, he couldn't help shake the feeling of mistrust. Perhaps it was his imagination or the difference of cultures. There was something calculating behind their comments. It always seemed a little too insistent and specific. This climb for instance. They had discussed their love for their planets' beauty a few days back, yet Tenan insisted only today on his leave. He knew Tuvok's team was more than able to handle the delivery, so he relented. Still it seemed strange.

He discovered that the X!alosians had yet to successfully traverse the wormhole. Their ships did not make it past the ingress. Their shields were inadequate coverage for the pressures of the wormhole. So what was the point of Captain Pelos' mission? Were they planning to send another ship through? Was it for sentry duty? And how were they planning to defend themselves? With pellets?

He found Prime Consul Tenan a puzzle. She had established a strong rapport with him. Almost a little too forcefully. But she was exceedingly polite where the other Consuls were less so. He'd almost characterise them as being suspicious. Perhaps understandable under the circumstances. He found Tenan went out of her way to avoid offence. Almost as if she was waiting out a game.

The wind started to pick up unexpectedly. He looked around and was alarmed when he saw the sway of the trees. They were like wheat being tossed in a gale. Before he could extinguish the fire, a gust churned it up, momentarily blinding him with the smoke and flying cinders. He tried to stamp out the fire, and kicked the assembled sand into its centre. As the smoke cleared, he saw the flames had been successfully extinguished, but his stomach lurched when he heard an unmistakable roar. He turned around to see the remnants of flying embers torch the far trees. Each tree lit the next in succession.

"Voyager, this is Commander Chakotay, I have an emergency!"

"Commander, this is Captain Janeway. What is it?"

"There's a fire blazing out of control near my present location. I need your assistance. Direct repeated phaser fire just above it to draw out the oxygen and suffocate the fire."

"Understood! Prepare for beam up."

Chakotay helplessly watched the fire spread. Seconds later, Voyager's beam precisely sprayed a phaser blanket around the blazing area. The smouldering view vanished and was replaced with the cool sterility of the transporter room.

Chakotay rushed to the bridge. He saw the phaser was working. The fire was dying.

"B'Elanna, direct a hydrogen beam at the same co-ordinates," Chakotay ordered.

The hydrogen beam reacted with the remaining oxygen producing an enormous explosion, suffocating the fire. In its place, a spray of water soaked the charred surface. He breathed a sigh of relief.

"Commander, in my Ready Room."

After Chakotay explained the situation, Janeway released a long drawn breath. The aftermath depended on the X!alosians. She hated not being in control. Especially over her crew's welfare.

"Captain I hold myself completely responsible for this."

"I'll contact Tenan immediately and explain the situation. I suggest you get a few things in order. I don't know how they'll handle this, but we are subject to their laws. They may want to question you. If that's the case, we'll do everything in our power to ensure you're fairly treated."

"Captain. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too Chakotay. There isn't a person with more respect and understanding of nature than you. I could never fault you on that. Your fast thinking minimised the potential damage. But I've got to uphold Federation regulations. You're First Officer aboard this ship. You and I are subject to the same rules as everyone else. Even more so. Let's hope the X!alosians are reasonable."

"I understand. I'm sorry." He turned and left.

Janeway clenched her jaw. She hailed the bridge and barked out a series of orders. "Harry, recall all personnel on shore leave. Hail Tuvok. After that, I want Tenan. Janeway out."

Seconds later, Tuvok appeared on the monitor. "Captain, the transfer has successfully completed. The X!alosians have examined the allurium and are satisfied with the shipment. We should conclude within ten minutes."

"Good. We've got a crisis. Commander Chakotay is implicated in a forest fire. He'll need your help. I'm going to contact Tenan and try to sort it out. In the meantime, I want everyone on board immediately. Janeway out."

"Captain, I have the Prime Consul. I'll direct her to your monitor," advised Harry.

"Good afternoon Prime Consul."

"Good afternoon Captain. I'm glad you contacted us. A fire was reported in the region Commander Chakotay was hiking. We're worried for his welfare."

"Thank you for your concern. Commander Chakotay is safe with us. I regret to inform you that he may have unwittingly started the fire. I'd like to discuss the circumstances with you in more detail."

"Captain, if that is true, then Commander Chakotay will have to face the charges. The penalty for environmental destruction is very severe. We will need to take him into custody and question him."

"I'd like Lieutenant Tuvok to be present with Commander Chakotay during all questioning. I'd like you to consider our willingness and co-operation on the Commander's behalf. Commander Chakotay's respect and regard for the environment is second to none. Unfortunately, your extreme weather patterns were unanticipated."

"I'll do what I can for him Captain and take your co-operation into consideration. Tenan out."

Prime Consul Tenan was true to her word. Commander Chakotay's trial was expedited and heard within days and he had been treated well. Captain Janeway's heart sank when she heard the normal sentence was life imprisonment. It seemed that X!alosia had an unfortunate history of environmental abuse, and adopted stiff penalties to successfully combat it. She'd been nervously pacing in her Ready Room when the final verdict was delivered: five years imprisonment! In X!alosian terms, it was exceedingly fair. Yet in her mind, she screamed at the harshness of his 'crime'.

She also had her crew to consider. What were they to do while he was incarcerated? They couldn't break him out. He had admitted to the charges and submitted himself for the penalty. She had to respect the X!alosian justice system as well. But she couldn't ask her crew to hang around for five years. It wasn't fair to them. Even if the wormhole did shave decades off the journey. The inactivity would undermine their well-honed discipline. She dreaded the obvious solution. They'd have to leave him behind. *She'd* have to leave him behind. She balked at the thought. Surely, there's *something* she could do. She sought an audience with the Prime Consul.

Despite their lengthy meeting, Tenan was unyielding. Janeway had even offered herself in exchange for Chakotay's freedom. Tenan's eyes flew open at that, obviously surprised. But even as Tenan's tone softened, she could not accept this alternative either. X!alosian laws were very specific. The perpetrator must pay for the crime. Janeway had considered staying behind with Chakotay, but her duty to the crew made that impossible. After exhausting every option, she finally had to admit defeat. She had extracted a personal promise from Tenan that Chakotay would be well treated and cared for. She returned to Voyager broken.

The crew was edgy. The earlier excitement had been replaced with a nervous dread. Everyone was concerned about their predicament. And she knew she had to make a decisive stance. The crew would eventually recover. She did not know if she could. She performed her various duties but as an automaton. Feeling empty.

Finally, she called her Senior Officers. "As you all know, Commander Chakotay has been sentenced to five years in X!alosia. I've investigated all options to free him, but have been unsuccessful. I see no other alternative, but to continue our journey."

"Captain, we can't go on without him," implored B'Elanna. "We can ... we can break him out."

"B'Elanna. What about the consequences. How will we be able to maintain any credibility with our crew, if the Senior Officers neglect their duty? How could I ask any of them to follow me, if I can't follow my own guiding principles? Commander Chakotay understood that." She sighed. "B'Elanna, Chakotay means a lot to everyone. To me," her voice broke. She paused, then continued determinedly. "But I can't forget my duty to my Office. Breaking him out is not an alternative."

"Captain, couldn't we just stay and explore this region of space for five years? We'd still be shaving decades off our trip," offered Harry.

"I can't ask the crew to give up five years for this. We'd be living a hollow purpose during that time. Discipline would disintegrate under these conditions - we'd never make it the rest of the way home. I know how difficult this will be for the crew. It will get easier when we're on the other side of the wormhole - we'll be facing new challenges. It will get easier," Janeway insisted. But even to her ears, this sounded hollow.

Everyone saw how difficult this was for the Captain. Probably more so than for any of them. They did not want to add to it and kept quiet. They knew she had explored all options.

"Dismissed." Janeway stood and looked out at the planet. She imagined Chakotay alone in a cell. 'God, how do I tell him?' Behind her a throat cleared. She turned to see Tuvok, standing by his chair. "Tuvok, what is it?" she croaked.

He stood beside her, gazing out the window. "Captain, I understand how difficult this is. When I left you and Commander Chakotay behind at the planet, I was in a similar unenviable position. I know you and the Commander have developed a close friendship. I'd also felt your loss and was very much aware of the crew's difficulties. Because of our shared circumstances, I'd like to counsel you to rethink your course. I have found that human emotions are not so easy to dismiss. In truth, they endure far beyond reason. Given the tragic circumstances, I can only conclude that the crew will not recover as easily as you'd expect, and *that* may have a negative impact on our progress home. As I've found first-hand, it becomes exceedingly difficult to command a crew who do not share your opinion. Finally, I believe that you will be adversely affected by this decision." He turned at this point to look at her, and saw the tears well in her eyes. She blinked them back.

"Tuvok. Thank you for your counsel. But this is the only way," she hoarsely whispered.

He left her alone in the Briefing Room.

Janeway sat down to compose a brief note. "Chakotay, I always knew I'd have to make the choice. I'm sorry. I wish it had been you. I love you. Kathryn. Computer: transmit message."

Janeway strode onto the bridge with more enthusiasm than she felt. "Ensign Kim, notify all stations that we'll be leaving orbit in one hour. Hail Tenan, and put her through to my Ready Room." She strode into the sanctuary of her Ready Room and sat catatonically with her head in her hands, until she heard the chirp.

"Captain, I understand you are leaving orbit in an hour. I'm sorry your visit didn't turn out better, but I wish you the best in your journeys," offered Prime Consul Tenan.

"Thank you Prime Consul. I have a final request. I'd like to meet with Commander Chakotay one last time. I owe it to him."

The silence lasted so long, Janeway nearly passed out holding her breath.

"We will grant you this favour. But, you will need to leave your communicator with us during your visit."

"Agreed. I'll beam down to the detention centre in two minutes. Thank you for your help."

As Janeway walked through the series of locked corridors, she could not help feeling wrong for leaving Chakotay. He was no criminal. He was a victim of circumstance. And a victim of her circumstance. She was brusquely asked to wait in a small room. The door snapped locked behind her. A note of finality. She shivered. She noted a door on the opposite wall. She expected he'd come from that direction. During the interminably long minutes, she wondered if he'd even appear. His anger would be justifiable. She composed, then recomposed her words. Needing them like armour. But in the end, when he was pushed into the room, her words deserted her, leaving her naked and exposed.

He hesitated for a fraction of a second, before rushing to her, embracing her. He buried his face into her hair and groaned. "I've missed you so much. I got your note. Let me hear you say it. Tell me you love me."

She was surprised. She didn't know what she had expected - certainly not this. Feeling his crushing embrace and his joy, she felt cocooned from reality. He kept echoing his request, needing to hear from her. "Chakotay, I love you," she finally offered.

He embraced her tighter. Then he lifted her off her feet, sweeping her around and around, laughing into her hair. "Kathryn, you don't know how long I've waited to hear you say that. I've loved you forever." He kissed her then. Like a man, starving, unable to quench his thirst for her. She could have drowned in his arms and not noticed. His love felt tremendously uplifting, scattering the earlier despair. She knew she'd pay for it later, but not now. Not right now. Finally, he released her. He cupped her cheeks and rained kisses down her upturned face. Her beautiful awe-struck face. He was laughing like a man who had been given his dream. "Don't worry about a thing Kathryn," he promised. "I'll take care of everything. When we get back on Voyager, I'll do everything in my power to make this work. Oh, Kathryn. You don't know how happy I am!"

Kathryn stared stunned. 'He doesn't know! He! Doesn't! Know!' punctuated her brain, stabbing her heart. She pushed herself back, inwardly reeling. "Chakotay! Haven't you heard?" His blank expression confirmed her fears. "Chakotay, you've been given a five-year prison sentence! I'm sorry Chakotay. We can't stay. Voyager is leaving in an hour!" Then as his face crumpled she sobbed aloud, and bit down on her knuckle to keep herself from screaming.

His mind howled 'NO!' This couldn't be happening. When did it go all wrong? His brain shrieked for answers. He finally managed a few words. "But ... your ... note. It said: 'Chakotay, I always ... love you, Kathryn.' I thought you were coming for me."

It was a nightmare. It was worse than anything Kathryn could have imagined. But even still, she embraced it. She wanted to feel his pain. To punish herself. To impale herself with this knowledge. To know this was her doing. "The note said: 'Chakotay, I always *knew I'd have to make the choice. I'm sorry. I wish it had been you.* I love you. Kathryn,' she finished brokenly. Realising the mistake. The transmission must have dropped the middle packets.

Chakotay was numb. He was beyond feeling. Having spent the week in the small empty cell, listening to the foreign clicks and sounds, replacing it with memories of each moment spent with her. It was such a relief to get her message. Kathryn was going to get him out. He had been so overwhelmingly happy. A lifetime ago. But the thought of spending five years in that cell. Alone - without her. Then stuck on this planet for a lifetime, while everyone went on - she went on. It was too much to consider. He could feel himself shut down. It was easier this way. Feeling no pain.

He looked across at the woman standing there. Watching him. With remorse. And pain. She was the one who held the key to his prison. But she just watched on, waiting with wide-eyed horror. In a small part of his mind, he wondered what she wanted. Why she was here. But he let the idea drop. It was too much to consider. Then as he watched the woman straighten herself and assume a bland face, a voice screamed recognition. *This* woman he knew. The one with the mask. The one he tried to reach. A lifetime ago. And her words came tumbling forth from a well in his mind:

"I don't think I could bear to make another life and death decision with someone I love. Not again. Because as Captain, I *know* which choice I'd have to make." And he remembered her shattered face. Like the one he saw minutes before. Now hidden behind this mask.

A voice. So much like his own. Echoed in his mind: "And if I can do all these things and still not let it affect the way I feel for you - or not let how I feel for you interfere with my job - then I can also accept the choices you're bound to make as Captain of Voyager - even if that includes you sending me to my death." Was that him? Had he made that promise? And those questions thawed a part of him. Enough that he recognised her purpose here. He reached out.

"Kathryn wait. I'm sorry it had to end this way. If you love me, then promise me something. Promise me you'll take good care of the woman I love. I ... understand. I hope you'll forgive yourself too. God speed your journey home."

Kathryn nodded. Not trusting herself to speak. Only just managing to scrape together her composure. They held hands. Like paper. Husks of an empty soul.

Doors clicked opened, and guards came in, tearing them apart with a slight push. And it was finished.

The walk to the main gate was agonising. She had left the cell so composed. No lingering glances. No final goodbyes. Just a heart, bursting with regrets. Until the deafening click of the locks. Sealing him in this hell. While she made her way through the gates to the heavens beyond. Each step leaving him further behind. Each step a lash. Each lash producing a layer of calluses until the pain was almost endurable. She gulped a deep breath. She was ready. And dematerialised.

Janeway strode onto the bridge. "Status."

"Captain, all systems are ready for departure," replied Tuvok. He returned to his Tactical Station.

"Lieutenant Paris, set a course for the wormhole. Three quarters impulse power. Jump to Warp seven when we clear this system."

Paris turned slightly around. "Ma'am. We still have time to beam him up."

"That's an ORDER Lieutenant," she barked.

Paris turned forward. "Aye Captain. Course laid in. Impulse engines engaged."

"Ensign Kim. Have Shuttlecraft Four ready for remote navigation."

"Aye Captain. It will be ready for arrival at the wormhole."

Janeway nodded, and strode into her Ready Room. And collapsed on the couch. How was she going to manage seventy thousand light years without him?

Chakotay lay immobile on his cot. Staring unseeing at the ceiling. It could have been minutes. It could have been hours. It could have been days. It seemed meaningless now. The shock had slowly worn off - until he was faced with the cold reality of the situation. How had it come to this? His mind sifted through his past. The present and future seemed irrelevant.

He had given her everything he was. Their dance the last month. Hesitantly started. Each step carefully considered. Then taken. While they fitted themselves, and adjusted their being. Carefully balancing their roles. Gradually giving, then receiving. Extending their trust. Tightening their bond. Spinning with joy. Until they were so intertwined that his heart and soul were hers. He had always feared losing himself to her. Now he knew why. He had nothing left.

He remembered something his Father once said in a heated exchange. Something that had always bothered him. "Chakotay, you are so blinded by devotion. One day, Starfleet will let you down. What will become of you then?" Was he right then? Had he blind faith in Starfleet? In Kathryn? Was it misplaced? He groaned, not wanting to believe it. But coming back to the undeniable conclusion: he was left here alone.

"Sbg!jeo*" barked a X!alosian guard. "Lsekuh awiu!ef liseu*hsw awku!!asf." Although he could not understand him, Chakotay gathered he was expected to follow.

Chakotay looked up at the X!alosian. He felt the old familiar anger return. He wanted to punch that X!alosian face. Not caring about the consequences. Wanting to end this hell. He quietly followed instead.

He was led to a comfortable room. The door snapped behind him. The sound still unnerved him. He was surprised to see Prime Consul Tenan enter.

... Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Janeway bolted up. How long was someone at the door? "Come in."

Neelix hesitantly entered. "Captain Janeway? Are you all right? I know you didn't want to be disturbed. I was just worried."

"Come in, Neelix. What can I do for you?" inquired Janeway.

"I was wondering if you could come down to the Mess Hall. There are a few people gathered there. They've heard about your decision to leave Commander Chakotay behind and they wanted to discuss it with you."

She looked at Neelix. He was nervous. Concerned. Sad. She imagined the rest of the crew were in a similar state. She sighed. She should have addressed the crew before they departed, but she was feeling a little too raw. "All right, Neelix. Have the entire crew assembled. I'll be there in five minutes."

She knew she'd have to address their concerns or she'd have a mutiny on her hands. She could not afford to dwell on Chakotay. Not now. Not while she could change her mind. Paris would never know just how close she'd been. She needed to keep busy. And she needed to focus the crew's mind as well.

The buzz of the Mess Hall quieted immediately as Janeway entered its doors. Janeway looked over the assembled crew. Her crew. They were all eyeing her. Waiting for her to make the first move. Waiting to counter.

"Thank you for gathering here, and asking me to address your concerns. By now, you'll have heard that Commander Chakotay has been sentenced to five years imprisonment according to X!alosian laws. This was tempered from a life sentence. As you all know, we become subject to the laws of the host worlds we visit. It is one of the duties of Starfleet personnel to follow our directives and respect these foreign laws. None of us are above this duty, including myself, and Commander Chakotay. In the best interest of this crew, I have decided to continue our journey home. I know this decision will be difficult for many of you, as it will be for me. Commander Chakotay was an outstanding First Officer, and a valued friend to us all. He will be sorely missed. But there are new challenges ahead, and I need your continuing support to overcome our odds, to get us home. I know many of you have questions, I'll answer as many as I can. And as always, you can contact your department heads, or come see me directly."

Harry stood up. "Captain, we've always had the utmost faith and respect in you. But many of us feel it's wrong to abandon the Commander." The crew nodded in agreement.

"Harry, none of the options are ideal. They all come with a cost. As Captain, I've weighed the implication of each of them and have come to the undeniable conclusion that we need to continue on with our journey. This is for the crew's best interest."

Paris stood with Harry. "Captain, we've heard this 'for the crew's best interest' speech before. And we understand why *you* have to make that decision. There's not a person here that doesn't respect you for it. But the crew collectively declines to let you make that choice on their behalf. We're willing to forgo the wormhole to get Commander Chakotay back." The crew cheered their support and stood.

"Unfortunately, command does not quite work like that. As Captain, I must make the best decisions, whether it is easy or not, popular or not. I appreciate everyone's concern and willingness to give up this route home. It's a big sacrifice. But I can't let you make it. Commander Chakotay wouldn't want it either. I can't have this crew second guess my decisions even with the best intentions. Command control would be eroded. If you question this decision, then what about the next? What if someone hesitates to execute an order under critical conditions? I need everyone's confidence in my leadership. If there's anyone who believes I'm no longer able to captain this ship, I'd like them to stand now and address it."

Everyone sat down. Uncomfortably. They knew Captain Janeway was right, but no one wanted to leave the Commander behind. That's what made her Captain. *She* was able to make the hard decisions. In some small way, they felt reassured.

"As there are no takers for my job, I suggest we get back to our stations. We've got a wormhole to investigate." Janeway left the room. Everyone nodded in grudging agreement. Tuvok noted with satisfaction, the crew's renewed respect for Captain Janeway. They filed out, determined to perform to their utmost.

"I can't believe how she turned the whole room around. I was so sure she'd relent when she knew we were all willing to sacrifice the wormhole," exclaimed Harry to Tom.

"I know," replied Tom. "Remind me not to get in her way again."

"Please be seated," Tenan cooed. She held up a communicator badge and tossed it on the table. "This is for you. A present from your Captain. She thought we may have a need to communicate. Of course, I had to wait until she left our system. We wouldn't want her to take our prized prisoner."

Chakotay picked it up and pinned it to his chest. "Why? You had her word and mine. I wouldn't be here if we didn't respect your laws. We deserve the benefit of the doubt. We've always conducted ourselves in good faith."

"Commander Chakotay. Prison must not be agreeing with you. Why the sharp tone?"

"Why wasn't I told about my sentence?" demanded Chakotay.

"Chakotay, you don't seem to understand how things work here. I ask the questions, and you answer." This was stated mildly enough, but the underlying threat was still there.

He snorted. "Or what? You lock me up?"

"As I said, you don't understand how things work here. The state does not provide for the prisoners. They are kept confined, but it is up to the families to provide for their welfare. Alas, you have none here. But I've made a promise to your Captain. *I'm* to ensure your well being," Tenan laughed. "Of course, you do need to make it easy for me. To answer your question, there was really no need to tell you your sentence. You've admitted to the crime. Life imprisonment. Same as always."

"But the Captain said five years!"

"Ah. We told your Captain a necessary lie. Sentences aren't negotiable. It really was for the best. She'd have worried and found it hard to leave you. As it was, she had a hard time. She even wanted to trade places with you," Tenan laughed. "I like your Captain. I admire her Federation principles. It's helped us enormously."

"What do you mean?" asked Chakotay suspiciously.

Tenan laughed again. "Ah, you're jumping ahead."

"What do you want?" demanded Chakotay.

"Well, now that you are no longer Starfleet, you are free to tell us all about your technology."

"What?! You're mistaken if you think I'll ever tell you that," he spat out.

"No. I don't think I am. Your pride in the Federation is strong. But I think you'll come to appreciate my care. A lifetime here is a long time. And I can be a very important friend. After all - I'm not the one who abandoned you."

Chakotay's rage got the better of him. He took a menacing step towards Tenan, but hit a forcefield she had just activated.

"Come now, Chakotay. I'm disappointed in you. We could help each other immeasurably."

"There's NOTHING you have that I want."

"Oh no? You'd be surprised how thirsty you get sitting all day. That's why our family bond is so strong. You never know when you'll need them. And I'm all the family you've got," she snickered. "You can file *that* away in your X!alosian cultural database." As she saw Chakotay's anger increase, she adjusted her tone. "Chakotay. You and I were friends before. There's no reason we couldn't still be. Your co-operation would show the X!alosians how repentant you were. In fact, there may be little need for you to stay here. You could be my guest. Eventually hold a valued position. You just need to co-operate."

"You can wait a long time. I'd rather rot here than help you in any way!" he growled.

"It's a shame really. Well, I'll come back in a few days, after you've had some time to think on this. It's amazing how clear one's priorities are on an empty stomach," laughed Tenan.

Chakotay gritted his teeth, finding her laughter very abrasive. "Wait. What did you mean when you said you found Federation principles helped you enormously?"

Tenan looked at Chakotay then, as one would eye an insect under a microscope. "I've always liked you Chakotay and I've done you a favour. I've taken you off Voyager. I'm afraid their journey is going to be a rather short one. There are explosives aboard your vessel that will ensure they never make it through the wormhole."

"NO!" Chakotay howled and lunged for Tenan. She had anticipated his reaction and activated the forcefield.

"There's nothing left for you to hold on to. Soon they'll be gone. I'd suggest you start thinking about ways to make your life easier here."

"WHY? Why, when we've dealt with you in good faith?"

"It's nothing personal. When we started to explore space, and found evidence of other life, our people were not quite ready to embrace this. The additional discovery of the wormhole caused great concerns. Our scientists indicated that it was a corridor that linked two regions of space and we were on the exit ramp. Our military decided to destroy it. Unfortunately we have not been successful. All of our ships have exploded at the mouth. When your ship came, it was a godsend. It was the perfect vehicle into the wormhole. Your advanced technology proved our people's fear of other races. You could have easily destroyed us with it."

"You could have asked for our help, instead of feeding your suspicions."

"Would your Federation principles allow you to destroy the wormhole?"

"No," he admitted.

"Besides, despite all of your lofty ideals, the undeniable fact is that our misgivings have served us well. Your ideals have not."

"There has to be another way. Let me talk to Captain Janeway. I can convince her to collapse the wormhole without blowing up Voyager."

"I'm sorry Chakotay. I wish your people well. But I can't afford to take that chance. The wormhole MUST be destroyed. And we can't afford to lose this opportunity. Think about what I've said. I'm not your enemy Chakotay. Perhaps your ideals may be."

Chakotay was escorted back to his cell. This time, he took note of all the corridors and security systems. He lay back on his cot, waiting motionless until the guards, finally bored, left their post. During this time, his mind taunted him with images of Voyager. Receding in the distance. A brilliant explosion against a black carpet. Extinguished in a void. She needed his help. He would do this final feat.

He looked around his cell for something that could help him escape. He flipped the mattress off his cot, and gathered a few springs and clips. He unravelled the wire that tied several of the cots together to compensate for his larger size. He took off his communicator and set up a homing signal even though Voyager was beyond communication range. He worked on his cell door. The security system was rather crude, so he managed to short circuit the lock with the clips. The release mechanism still prevented the door from opening. He connected the release with the wire to the communicator, and varied the frequency until the door quietly swung open. The other doors were easily opened using the same method. He wandered down the corridors, slowly making his way towards the main gate. From the stairwell, he could see the communications room where he had first appeared with Tuvok. He counted nine guards.

He retreated back into another corridor and jammed a clip into an exposed electrical outlet. The short circuit immediately extinguished the power to this section. He tripped a fire alarm and raced back to the stairwell. Six of them raced down the hall. Two were in the communications room. That left one guard nervously scanning the flashing console, screaming into his hand-held radio. He managed to sneak past this pre-occupied guard and into the communications room. He quickly overcame the two unsuspecting guards. He encoded a brief message to transmit on Starfleet's emergency comm. frequency. As he reached for the transmission button, he fell on his face. Stunned, he watched a pool of blood collect along the console top. His immobile fingers, inches from its goal. He tasted blood as it gushed from his mouth.

The shuttle was in position at the gaping mouth of the wormhole. Tom sat at Voyager's helm. Shuttlecraft Four's viewscreen and helm controls had been configured to remotely link to Voyager's viewscreen and Tom's station. Captain Janeway did not want to risk any crew to the wormhole.

"Captain, the X!alosian ships have broken formation and are turning around," alerted Tuvok.

"How far away are they from our current position?"

"They are 0.04 light years away. They would have reached our position in another 13.7 days. Curious."

"Keep an eye on them Tuvok and alert me if there are any other changes. Harry, are all systems set to use the shuttlecraft as a repeater?"

"Yes Captain. Systems have been configured and are activated. The moment the shuttle comes into range of the probe, we should start picking up the data."

"Good. Tom, take her in."

Everyone leant forward, as they were able to vicariously experience the ride through the viewscreen. As Tom made his way into the mouth, it was quickly swept up in the gravitational pull. Tom called out navigational headings as Harry relayed systems statistics.

"We're about a third of the way in. All sensors have been extended to maximum range. We're nearly half way in!"

"Communications has been established with the far probe. Downlink successful. Data indicates a distance of forty one thousand, two hundred and seventy six light years. The wormhole has been confirmed as stable," Harry excitedly reported.

The bridge crew cheered. Before Harry could continue, the shuttlecraft exploded, causing instability within the wormhole.

"Red Alert! Helm, get us out of here!" shouted Janeway as the warp explosion spewed out of the wormhole mouth. Voyager rocked harshly, although they managed to avoid the brunt of the explosive shock. The wormhole had disappeared from the viewscreen. "What the hell happened to the shuttle? B'Elanna and Harry I want answers in ten minutes."

B'Elanna and Harry alternately presented their results to the assembled Senior Officers. "Because of the remote link, we were able to get all the telemetry readings from the shuttle. As far as we can tell, there was no systemic reason for the shuttlecraft explosion," Harry started.

"But we've managed to examine the debris hurled from the wormhole," continued B'Elanna. "We've found traces of tri-anium. This is normally a stable compound but is quite explosive when exposed to extreme pressures of gravitational forces that exist in the wormhole. For this reason, tri-anium is considered a dangerous substance and is not found on any Starfleet vessel. Captain, the replicator would not produce this. But tri-anium is readily found on many planets, including X!alosia."

"Harry, have the bridge conduct a sensor sweep of the departing X!alosian vessels. Their technology would not allow them to patrol this amount of space or venture into the wormhole. My guess is that Captain Pelos' mission was to destroy the wormhole. Commander Chakotay reported that the X!alosians were not able to penetrate beyond the wormhole opening. Their vessels kept exploding. B'Elanna, how far down the wormhole would it take to collapse the wormhole with a massive explosion?"

"Captain, it's not simply a matter of distance. The X!alosians would NEVER have collapsed it. The tri-anium exploded our shuttlecraft, causing a warp core explosion. It was *this* explosion that destroyed the wormhole."

"So," hissed Janeway. "We were a convenient launching vehicle. They must have placed the tri-anium on Shuttlecraft Four during the allurium delivery."

"Captain, it would seem I've failed my duty to protect the ship," frowned Tuvok. "I will implement protocols to ensure this does not happen again. I will adjust the scans to thoroughly catch all hazardous substances."

"Tuvok, we were all fooled by the X!alosians. With all the personnel required to offload the allurium, it would have been easy to sneak it aboard. I concur with your changes and suggest a thorough sweep of Voyager as well."

"Aye Captain."

"Captain, the bridge has confirmed tri-anium on the X!alosian squadron," informed Harry.

Janeway shook her head. "Lucky for us, we used the shuttlecraft as a probe. I'm sure the X!alosians expected us to march right in, Voyager, shuttlecraft and all. We've got some unfinished business," growled Janeway. "Stations everyone. I want Chakotay! Warp nine!"

Chakotay lay semi-conscious. He could hear the X!alosians work around him. Cutting away his shirt. Trying to save him. He knew they were too late. He could feel his hold slipping. His last thoughts were a patchwork of regrets. If he only had another second. Was Voyager gone now? What of Kathryn? Was his faith misplaced? Would he never return home? As his view darkened the cold crept up his body. He felt so alone. Why, Kathryn? he silently wailed. He wondered why the wail still echoed.

"He's dead," pronounced the X!alosian Doctor. He reached up and turned off the wailing alarm, that monitored the patient's vital sign.

"Captain, I'm picking up a Starfleet beacon signal," announced Harry.

"That must be Chakotay. Lock on to the signal and beam him up when we get within range."

"Voyager has just entered orbit around X!alosia," notified Tom.

"Captain, beaming up the beacon signal co-ordinates."

"Transporter Room. Do you have Commander Chakotay?"

"No Captain. All we have is a bloody shirt."

"Tuvok, Lock onto human lifesigns in the prison complex. Start with the beam-up co-ordinates of the last transport."

"Harry, hail Tenan. Then scan the surface for our allurium."

"Captain, there are no human lifesigns in the prison complex. I am attempting a cellular match using Commander Chakotay's bio-buffers. This may take a few minutes," notified Tuvok.

"Captain, I've found all the allurium, but no answer from Tenan," reported Harry.

"Keep trying Ensign."

"I'm getting a response now."

"On screen. Prime Consul Tenan. I'll save you from telling more lies. We've discovered your tri-anium plot. I'd say this renders our contract null and void. We're taking back the allurium *and* Commander Chakotay," she growled.

"Captain Janeway. Captain Pelos has notified us the wormhole has collapsed. We'd like to thank you for your help. We're happy you weren't hurt in the explosion. I'm afraid the contract is very much valid. We have no intention of letting you take back the allurium. You are no longer welcome on X!alosia. Oh, and as for Commander Chakotay, I'm afraid he has just died."

"WHAT!" roared Janeway.

"Commander Chakotay was shot while escaping. Our medical team tried desperately to revive him, but he suffered massive injuries. I believe they are about to perform his autopsy now. Alien lifeforms are of great interest to them."

"Prime Consul Tenan. Let me make myself perfectly clear: I am *demanding* an immediate return of Commander Chakotay's body - INTACT! And I want the allurium! I will use whatever means I have at my disposal -"

Tenan cut her off. "Or what Captain. You'll fire on us? I don't think your Federation principles will allow that." She laughed and signed off.

"Tuvok, have you got a lock on Chakotay?" demanded Janeway.

"I am close to establishing a positive identification. Yes. I have a lock."

"Beam him directly to Sick Bay. Code Four. Ensign, ignore all hails. I want the allurium in Cargo Bay Two. Now!"

Janeway rushed down to Sick Bay. The Doctor and Kes had already established a cold air envelope around his body to minimise cellular damage. They had also connected an artificial respirator to his lungs and heart. Next they attempted a neural stimulator. She sobbed as she looked at his topless colourless body. He looked so ... dead. She could see he had been shot in the neck. The blood had crusted over his face, neck and upper chest. Even after repeated attempts the Doctor was unsuccessful at restarting cortical activity. Janeway felt her hope drain. She moved to hold his hand - squeezing it, wanting to touch him one last time. It was so unexpectedly cold she flinched. So unlike the fiery warmth she remembered.

"Doctor, we're getting faint synaptic activity," reported Kes.

Her hope flared. As the Doctor and Kes spent the next five minutes repeatedly resuscitating then losing his brain activity, she silently urged him on. Bargaining for his life. Bargaining for hers. When his brain activity seemed stable, they all breathed a sigh of relief. The Doctor and Kes spent the next half hour coaxing his heart and lungs to work on their own. They were able to turn the cold air envelope off and attend to the damage in the neck and spinal nerves. As she felt the warmth gradually return to his hands, she sagged with relief. She had no idea of the hours that passed until Kes finally shook her.

"Captain. He's going to be all right. We'll keep an eye on him, but he'll be unconscious for several hours. Maybe even days. We'll let you know if there is any change."

She wanted to shrug Kes off and stay with Chakotay. But as she looked into Kes' eyes, she saw the whole crew. And her responsibility to them as well. She could feel the familiar weight of her duty return. She had hoped to suspend it a little longer. She sighed. "You're right Kes. I have some unfinished business on the bridge. Contact me if there are any changes. And notify the bridge of Commander Chakotay's recovery."

As she made her way back to the bridge, she felt lighter than she had for days. She looked around and could see that the news had already spread - and smiled.

"Report."

"Captain, Prime Consul Tenan has been hailing us for the last two hours. We have not responded. Shall I open a channel?" inquired Harry.

"Not yet. Is the allurium onboard?"

"Yes it is. Captain, we've recovered three hundred and fifty-eight bars."

"That's fifty-eight more bars than we sent down!" questioned Janeway.

"I have ascertained that we have the X!alosians entire allurium reserve," announced Tuvok.

"Would you like us to return it?" inquired Harry.

"No. Not yet. Respond to their hails. Onscreen."

"Captain Janeway. What is the meaning of this! You've taken our entire allurium reserve. This is an outrage."

"Prime Consul Tenan. You're not in a position for outrage. You've lied to us. Planted explosives aboard our vessel with the intention of destroying all hands. You've destroyed the wormhole. You've killed Commander Chakotay. I'd say you've got off very lightly. Consider this a 'friendly' warning and think twice before you manipulate another species again."

"But we'll be ruined without the allurium -"

"Cut the channel," ground out Janeway, barely containing her anger. "Harry, recycle three hundred and eight bars back into the replicators. The additional eight bars should compensate for our energy loss. Helm, set a course for Captain Pelos' squadron. Warp six. Offload the remaining fifty bars onto their vessels. They should receive it in about two years."

"Captain, I doubt the squadron was prepared for a return trip. They may not make it back," pointed out Tuvok.

"I'm aware of that Tuvok. But not to worry. I'm sure the X!alosians will send out a recovery vessel if required. Helm, after the allurium delivery, set a course for the alpha quadrant. Warp seven."

"Yes ma'am. Course laid in. And Captain. We're happy to have the Commander back."

"Tuvok you have the bridge." Janeway smiled as she strode onto the turbolift. She had finished her duty here.

If Kes was surprised to see the Captain so soon, she did not say. Both the Doctor and Kes retired and monitored Chakotay's condition from their office.

She leant over his body. Holding his hand to his chest. It felt reassuringly warm and strong. She couldn't help resting her lips on his forehead. Tasting his bloody ordeal. "Chakotay. Can you hear me?" she whispered, then pulled back just a little to watch his resting form. "Thank God you're back. You gave me quite a scare. You have to get better. The crew needs you back - I need you back. Today was hell. I almost lost *everything*. After I left you, I came on the bridge and ..." she softly recalled. She spent the next few hours relaying the events of the day, status of ongoing projects, worries for their future. She found it soothing just to talk, keeping close contact, as if to erase the last few days.

Occasionally, she reached out and smoothed his brow as it twitched. Finally she rested her hand there, compelled by the warmth. Compelled by his life. Feeling bold enough to lovingly explore the sunken contours of his face. Delighting in the rough feel of his stubbled growth. Finally running her fingers through his blood-matted hair. Why hadn't she done this before? While she had been on the bridge, Kes had cleansed the encrusted blood, and changed his prison garb for a medical robe. Even still, she could see flakes of blood in the fine lines of his face.

She asked Kes for a wet towel and carefully sponged it over his face, all the while talking. As she wiped his dried lips, she faltered. She could see the blood staining his teeth. Coating his tongue. She wept then as the impact of his near death hit her. Great wracking sobs. Her tears dropped on his face, his eyes, his cheeks, his ears, his nose, his mouth. She wiped her face with his towel. She could smell his blood as it dried on her skin. His blood on her skin. Her tears in his mouth.

His tongue poked up to his parched lips. "Ka...rn"

"Yes, Chakotay. I'm here. Shhh. Don't talk," she huskily advised as his mouth worked silently. She stroked his cheeks and motioned for the Doctor and Kes. "You've been hit in the neck and won't be able to speak for some days. Here's the Doctor."

"Well, Commander. You're making excellent progress for someone who's been shot, died, and resuscitated. You've had severe spinal cord injuries that I've treated, grafting a new nerve column. You'll need to undergo another surgery to completely recover all locomotion and nerve sensations. In the meantime, you may feel parts of your body tingle, as the electrical impulses sort themselves out with the new path. You'll be bed-ridden for a week, but after the operation, you should be completely mobile within a few days."

"W..h..e..n?" Chakotay struggled.

"When? When you're strong enough to withstand another operation. Perhaps within a week. Captain, if you'll excuse us, there are a few more tests we need to conduct."

"Captain, I'll call you when we're finished," reassured Kes.

It had been ten days since his return and four days since his final operation. Although he had almost fully recovered and was far beyond the critical stage, Janeway still shivered, recalling his cold, lifeless body. She had spent the majority of her off-duty hours in Sick Bay. If that caused any comments, she didn't hear them. People were respectfully silent. Although their hopes for a shortened journey were dashed, the crew was surprisingly upbeat. It seemed this incident had shown them how an individual was worth sacrificing a shortcut home. In a way, the crew had a chance to make the same decision Janeway had made so many years back with the Caretaker.

Janeway shifted on her blanket as she gazed out at the canyons. It was strange she had chosen to come here. She needed to feel Chakotay's presence even when he was absent. The Doctor had *ordered* her to take some R&R after spending so much time by Chakotay's side. He wasn't able to speak or move fully. But she enjoyed sitting with him, and recounting the day's events. It helped her feel her First Officer was back. As for the man, himself, she wasn't too sure. He would track her movement from the moment she entered Sick Bay, with a strange expressionless gaze. There were times that his gaze was so intense, she had trouble maintaining his stare.

"Kathryn?" he whispered.

She jumped up to see Chakotay edge around the corner. "Chakotay. What are you doing here? When did you start walking? I'd better not hear you climbed here!"

He managed a shaky laugh and shook his head. "Not yet," he whispered. She helped him sit down and noticed he brought along his medicine bag. "I'd been practising my walk all morning, waiting for you. The Doctor told me he ordered you here. I managed to convince him this was a good place to exercise. You seemed deep in thought. What's on your mind?"

"I was thinking about the X!alosians," she lied. "After Harry examined the results of the probe sensors, he found an interesting twist. The probe detected a Borg cube. Presumably on its way to investigate the probe. Perhaps the X!alosians were not so wrong with wanting to destroy the wormhole. Surely they would not have survived a Borg attack. Perhaps it was a mixed blessing for us as well. I don't know if we would have survived a Borg encounter either."

"Perhaps. It doesn't excuse what they did."

"How's your throat? Is it all right for you to speak?"

"Yes. The Doctor is encouraging me to use my voice as much as possible."

"Oh? I was getting used to conducting all our conversations," she laughed. "I guess this means it's your turn."

He shook his head. "No. I could listen to you speak for hours."

Kathryn laughed again. "That's because you had no choice. It's good to hear your voice again, and see you walking about. How do you feel?"

"Like I've been to hell and back." He tried for a light tone, but it came out sounding harsh.

She looked up at his haunted eyes. The easy bantering had disappeared. She had not discussed the more emotional impact of her decision and knew it was coming. "I know," she added quietly. "I feel the same way. Chakotay I don't know what would have happened if you died. As it is I'm going to live with this guilt for a long time. But the worst part is, despite everything, despite what they did to you, as Captain, I would have to make that choice again. I'm ... sorry."

"I know. And it's not easy for me to accept it. As First Officer, I know you've done the right thing."

"And as my ..." 'what?' she wondered. 'My love? My friend?' "Chakotay?" she finished lamely.

He frowned. Equally unsure. "I know that despite everything I told you earlier about being prepared for this outcome, I couldn't help but feel betrayed."

"Chakotay," she groaned.

"I truly believed I could handle a relationship with you given our position. But when I was down in that prison, I've never felt so abandoned. As I felt my blood cool, my only thoughts were of regret. That perhaps I had misplaced my faith in you and Starfleet. After serving you both with all my heart, I couldn't help but feel forsaken and alone."

"So where does that leave us?" she whispered.

"I don't know. I just know that it's going to take me a while to work things through. Make no mistake - I'll give you my all as First Officer. I just don't know how much of me is left."

"I understand." But inside she sobbed. Knowing this was the price she'd have to pay. Yet willing to accept this as part of the bargain. He was alive! "Come on," she over-enthusiastically encouraged, wanting suddenly to leave this program. "Let's take a tour around Voyager. You haven't seen the modifications B'Elanna has made to Engineering." She fell silent. Even to her ears, her voice sounded sharp. Betraying her hurt. "Computer: end program," she quietly commanded. She knew she would not visit this place again. She was no longer welcome in his world.

She offered her hand to assist him up and saw tears streak down his face. Her face moist with her own. He accepted her hand and they stood together. Awkwardly. Not composed enough to leave. Aching too badly. He embraced her then. Holding her tightly. Grieving for lost selves. Feeling their anguish merge. Then slowly ease. In each other's arms. Until they could breathe. In sync. And finally they separated. "I'm sorry," they said together. "I understand," they both responded. Unable to break their connection. Then they laughed, giving rise to their earlier lightness, dissipating some of the charge.

"Kathryn ... " he trailed off.

"I know. You mean a lot to me too. And I'll wait forever, if I have to Chakotay."

They smiled.

And they left arm-in-arm, supporting each other. Unsure who needed whom more.

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